Outcast

Eric,
Your action scene started right off the bat and got me engaged, following Derek and Jacob through their fearsome challenges. You had abstractions such as Conviction, Strength, Comfort and Wisdom assisting the two in their struggles. Perhaps, having personified these virtues, you might consider describing their physical features to make them more believable to your readers. Overall a winner. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Love the intro paragraph; really has drawn me in. The dialogue is good, the suspense is there from the beginning, the internal conflict is ongoing trying to decide what choice to make knowing that it is going to make a difference in their lives. I have seen some grammar issues but mainly it is comma errors; nothing that can’t be fixed. I am enjoying this story and have decided to back it after reading the first three chapters. Keep up the good work!

K Meador
Journey to Freedom/The Chamber

Eric,

Thank you for sharing Outcast. The story is interesting, and I believe it will appeal to many readers. I have just a few comments on chapters 1 and 7.

Chapter 1
Strength’s arms “looked like they were filled with balloons.” I see the image you are trying to portray, but “balloons” do not sound strong to me.

In the last paragraph you write “… allowing Sally to stick him in the foot with one of her paws, causing Derek to develop a slight limp.” Developing a “limp” seems somewhat awkward to me here. I would describe how his foot is injured, and then have Derek limp later.

Chapter 7
“Do you want something greater then darkness” should be “greater than darkness.”

Keep up the good work.

David

Eric,
Outcast is a fabulous sequel to Closet which I had reviewed awhile ago. I love this Christian fiction genre as I know the author has a mission beyond pure entertainment. It's a brilliant writer who can draw readers into works of fiction written in the fantasy genre. Your prose is richly detailed and you've crafted a captivating account of spiritual warfare in a very imaginative style.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Hi Eric,

I was trawling authonomy and I spotted your profile, so I popped over to look at your work. Since you seem to be more interested in comments on this book, I thought I'd have a read and leave a comment. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Chapter 1: Atmospheric and eerie beginning. I can almost taste the tension in the air; i'm expecting an attack on Derek and Jacob at any moment. Death is nearby, I think. I wonder where on Earth they are. I'll have to read on to find out more. ;)

1 tiny suggestion here. Occasionally, I think some of your paragraphs feel pretty long. They could make for pretty intimidating blocks of text on printed pages. Is there any way you could paragraph a bit more often to make the reading easier and quicker for thickos like me? ;)

Reading on... Ah it seems they're on a rescue mission. Who are these riders closing in? For some reason, I feel they're not exactly friendly ;). But they're trapped by a ravine. where can they go? ah they follow the advice of Guidance and walk out across the ravine to escape. Phew. Close call and nerve racking.

I’ve a tiny suggestion here. In general, I think it’s best to avoid forms of started/began as actions don’t really start. They just happen. eg instead of “Jacob was starting to get pale and his knees were shaking” I think “Jacob was pale and his knees were shaking” would work better. ;)

Reading on... Ah they're in this scary place to free lost souls. a worthy cause, indeed. Who is this strange man on the other side of the ravine, though? Why is he beckoning them on? Wow the wall of flame came out of nowhere. I almost jumped. What will they do now? Oho they walk into the flames. These 2 are v brave. Conviction joins them and bolsters their courage. And then they're across the ravine and racing to a house. Phew.

Who is this strange owner without form or features, though? Eerie. Sound like he's been exiled/cursed for failing a task. Poor man. He tried to fetch a bigger prize, little realising that bigger didn't mean better. now he's stuck until he can place the man who took the original prize. :(

Uh oh... what's this? The strangers features seem to be reforming. Did Derek or Jacob take this prize the stranger spoke of? Derek sees the danger but Jacob seems oblivious. I want to shout at him to run while he can. Too late. Jacob's legs are immobilised now. This stranger is the dreaded Sally. Then she turns into a coyote and strikes. We get a vivid and heart-pounding fight, and then Derek and Jacob manage to chase the coyote off.

I've a small suggestion here. I think, where possible, it's best to lead off with dialogue as it reads quicker and easier that way. eg instead of "Derek pointed with his head toward the door. "I'll explain once we're outside..." " I'd write something like " "I'll explain once we're outside." Derek pointed with his head towards the door...".

Chapter 2: A new character for this book. Rachel. I wonder, is she the 1 in need of rescuing? She seems to be in the same realm, with her sightless son. She's nervous and feels unworthy of the task before her. I think Strength gives her the heart to do what needs doing, though. Yes, she seems more resolved after his words. :)

Who's this Rah? He seemed to come out of nowhere. no wonder Rachel was so shocked. Uh oh, he's dangerous, maybe even psychotic. My blood froze when he got a knife. She manages to dodge in the nick of time, though, and locks herself and Timothy in the toilet. Phew. Another close call.

Spooky scene when she meets a mirror image of herself and Timothy. Ah but it's OK, they seem to be there to help. The strange being gets incensed by Rachel's questioning, though. Peculiar. I hardly think a guardian angel would act in such a way. I sense a trap. Ah indeed, it was a trap. The being and the "other" timothy transform and demand the child. Rachel won't let him go, though. I want to cheer. At the last moment, she manages to escape. I only pray she gets away...

I just saw how long this comment's getting. Sorry, I think i lost track of time while reading your story. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with magic and adventure. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue is believable and feels real. I especially like the way you keep the story at such a fast pace, jumping from 1 crisis to the next. I was breathless after 2 chapters, but I still wanted to read on and find out what new exciting developments your story had in store.

I've rated your book with 6 stars, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I think there's a real audience out there for your work.

Best of luck,

Pete

I usually don't read this catagory but you got my attention from the start and kept it, way to go! Definately a great read for fantasy enthusiasts.

Leslie Gervais
"Love Has No Borders"

will add to my BS a.s.a.p.

Hi Eric,

Thanks again for backing Whither Thou Goest. Sorry it’s taken me so long to get to Outcast. So behind!

Looking first at your pitch, consider changing the wording to reflect more of a back cover, interest-grabber, instead of an author explaining the book. Shoot for short sentences, active, interesting verbs, and active voice instead of passive voice. You might do something like (and I’m making stuff up since I haven’t looked at your book yet):

It was darkness like he’d never seen before – ugly and cold and thick with agonized cries of the lost. The Demon Rah and Sally the Witch were on a campaign of terror, dragging souls into the demonic realm. Derek knew he had to stop them. But, even accompanied by the Holy Spirit and his new sidekick Jacob, was he ready to face that kind of evil?

Since so many readers comment on the beginning of books, I usually go a little later. I’m starting at Chapter 6 in Outcast.

You’re very good at giving the action beat by beat, which keeps the reader involved. Your sentences tend to be pretty complex, which provides ample opportunity for dangling modifiers like this one: “She turned around to face the old lady with beads of sweat…” The “with beads of sweat” follows the “old lady,” but I think you intend it to modify Rachel. Your complex sentences also hurt your dialogue, making your characters sound stilted and unnatural. People tend to speak in short, incomplete sentences and imperfect meanings. You need to give your readers a little more credit for being able to draw parallels and infer meaning. Having Rachel say “You are the same person,” and “I need someone stronger and wiser…” and the old lady spouting flawless, grammatical wisdom begins to sound as obvious as a Sunday School lesson for third graders. Life is messy, dialogue is usually sloppy but full of personality, and life lessons are rarely linear. I see what you’re trying to do here – too well, actually. Let the story live, and let the Truth breathe through it, instead of using your characters as preaching puppets.

Your message is an important one, and I hope you’ll be able to bring it to more readers.

How totally wonderful you are, Eric!! :) Thank you so very much for keeping my memoirs/testimony book on your bookshelf. :) May God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have gold ******-rated your book :) - hope you've ****** 'd mine, too. Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because, I'm #1 on the editor's desk & I don't want to lose traction & to remain in the top 5 to be chosen February 28. :) Please read my profile page: I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after almost 1 year of trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Oooh, I like this short pitch more. "...enter into a demonic world in search for lost souls." Got me wondering why they're lost, what kind of world is this, and how brave Derek and Jacob are.

Somehow you've attracted more of my attention with the long pitch for Outcast than for Closet.

Will read chapters and give you feedback. Have starred both Closet and Outcast, based on pitch, for now.

LL Su

Hi Eric, I think that you have an original idea here for a story and I love that you've integrated a Christian perspective into it. Don't know much about that market, only that it's pretty lucrative and widespread. I think that you do a good job here with integrating action with dialogue. I have a couple of suggestions for you. Try to limit passive language. To say "there was the sound of leaves being trodden" is an example of this. Key words: "there" "being"--both of these signal passivity, I think. Better to say "Leaves crunched in the distance." Also, watch when you're doing dialogue that it is written in the way that people actually speak. If you read it aloud, and the sentence gets really long or has weird pauses, etc. I think this is a solid start, with some minor punctuation, etc. issues. Get as many people as you can to look it over for you and keep editing! Well done.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Outcast
I have not read the first book, but found no difficulty becoming absorbed in the human struggles and temptations of the journey toward and the survival from. I'm equally supportive of the use of adjective names that spark immediate recognition and anticipation of each character's claim on humanity. I do feel the manuscript could be tightened, eliminating and combining some descriptive passages, to allow the action to continue. As I think of my granddaughters' thirst for Christian books, I suspect this book and probably its prequel would generate much conversation as they explored the motivations and missions of the characters. Nicely done. I can back in a couple of days.
Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

I read ch 1. Here are my notes:

We start with action. It's clear Derek and Jacob know one another, I assume from another story.

Faceless rider, that's bad news.

I take it Guidance and Sally are from another tale

A lot of metaphors here in names

Ch 1 is packed with action and mysterious people and creatures--the makings for a good story

I have a couple suggestion about pacing and structure I'll put in your messages.

OUTCAST
I never read closet but I've found Outcast an interesting read. You have an easy way with words and the story idea is a good one. Some minor grammar mistakes - a word missing a few letters in the first few paragraphs, and a bit of an edit and this will be a tighter leaner script. I think you could make your characters more rounded - more description to give them colour and to help the reader engage more with them.
On the whole this just needs some reworking and IMHO will be much better when you've had a good thought. Good luck.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLLAGE

I think you have an interesting story to tell! For the most part, I found your writing very good and easy to read. I think it could use some editing as you are occasionally too wordy. I'd take out the unnecessary filler words, tighten it up a bit. It could especially use this in some of the dialogue, with long wordy sentences that don't sound completely natural.

Otherwise, I like what I've read so far.

Anne
Closeted Courage

Dear Eric, I love your delightful sequel of spiritual warfare & I laughed every time something tickled me in your pitch, as Sally the witch & the demon Rah returning is good. :) "Jesus shows up in different ways" also made me laugh & even my eyes sparkled :) - probably because he appeared to Saul on the road to Damascus & also in Revelations to John. :) I love that "Jesus shows up" in your story. :) He even served the disciples fish & bread & they didn't ask Him who he was, knowing it was Jesus. :) Now, I'm expecting a trilogy? :) I LOVE YOUR BOOKS. :) Hope you'll keep my book on your book shelf, the longer the better, because I'm ill with lupus & had my 1st mini-stroke last Wednesday with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & 4 more small ones since - I'm 12 from the editor's desk & they chose the top 5 end of November. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your help. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :)

I really liked and supported "Closet" and "Outcast " didn't disappoint. It's just as good. I have given you a high star rating.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Eric, sorry, I didn't get very far. Maybe it's just me, but you seem to be straining at passing your verbage. :(
Try simplifying this by reading out loud to yourself.
started to run = ran
with eyes looking upward = looked up
started to look at Jacob and then back at the other one=momentarily glanced at Jacob

you are using a lot of phrases as adverbs (adding information to describe how, when, where, etc. the action happened). Just use some adverbs! or better yet, use a thesaurus to select a more specific verb--run can be trot or sprint

sorry if my comment is disheartening, it will take an extensive edit to implement my suggestion, but it was agonizing me as I tried to read.

Your premise is interesting, and I liked visualizing your location description. I just couldn't get far. Read it aloud. You would never say it that way.