Hidden Within

I have read this before and it is every bit as thought provoking as the last time. It is a sensitive subject, dealt with sensitively and I for one applaud your bravery for tackling it. It will upset and offend some, and it should do.
It is beautifully written and deserves to ascend.

I am sure you have done some work on it since the last time and it shows.

Brava Sue, it is very very very good. Starred and on my shelf asap.

Millie C
Crown of Thorns

WOW I could feel the tension in the life of your poor MC, surrounded by holier-than-thou people. Even her parents are not supportive. Thank God for her sister. As the reader, I hope Susan finds her way out of the abusive relationship she's in. So glad Laura is in her life. I absolutely love the renewal of relationship between the two sister, that you portray in the story.
There were a few typos I thought you might want me to point out:

Chapter 2: “She should use this time to her head around this meeting.”
You might want to not use Susan’s name so much in each sentence, only when it switches back and forth between characters.
Chapter 3:
You might want to introduce Laura as the big sister at the very beginning of the first statement made by Laura. I was confused until two sentences later.
“…and even to the psychiatrist the Church Counsel hired that”
Chapter 4: If Susan ever felt her life was endanger…” Should be, “in danger.”
“…heard about her wonderful her vicar husband…”
Again, wow! Highly Starred and Watchlisted for now, hope to get space on my shelf soon!
Blessings to you!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Amazing story! Very few writers take on this subject matter. Must be something about anything dealing with the church. I was a minister's wife for sixteen years and suffered mental and emotional abuse and control. I think many men abuse the power given them as ministers. I hope you go on with this; I'd love to see how it ends. It you get a chance, please take a look at IN THE FAMILY WAY.

Debbie Martin

loved this! ;)

I read your first two chapters.

General comments: A gripping start. A sympathetic main character. Vivid imagery. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... she was often taken as much younger than her 28 years.' Spell out number 1-99.
2) 'A sense of anticipation filled the air' is telling. How did her anticipation manifest? Consider describing the onset of her anticipation so vividly the reader will experience it along with Susan. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.
3) Excellent end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) Nathan put his arms aroud her shoulder, kept smilig at Margaret in a relaxed way and said. "Always great with the excuses ... " Comma after 'said.' 'Nathan said' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag precedes dialogue, the dialogue tag is punctuated with a comma.
2) "Come on Vicar's wife; let's get your baking out of the ... " Comma after 'on.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue, but didn't offset their name or title with a comma.
3) "Ah, here is your lovely little wife, vicar." Capitalize 'vicar.' When 'vicar' is used as a name, it becomes a proper noun and should be capitalized.
4) 'She new she was pushing the time and ... ' 'New' should be 'knew.'
5) "Oh, thank you, that's very sweet of you." Susan said. Comma after 'you.' 'Susan said' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation). There are more cases where dialogue followed by a dialogue tag is punctuated with a period when a comma is appropriate.
6) 'She hoped everyone in the room wasn't privy to the thunder she felt herself.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe her 'thunder' so vividly the reader will experience it along with Susan. By doing this, you pull the reader deeper into the scene.

I hope this critique helps you further polish these all important opening pages. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and, if it's worthy, keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a marvelous day.

Al

I am no expert here but I noticed you invite people to comment.
Chapter 1
Some one runs into her but that's it. I am not seeing any significance to this. Perhaps being pre-occupied or something she runs into that person, otherwise it just seems to be out there for no reason.
The sun sparkled.... Perhaps use cast down or beamed on the passing...and ricochet, rebound or reflected the.....
It may be just me but when i think of sparkle i think of stars or diamonds. I hope this helps.
I think you have a great story in the making!
Red

You tackle tough subjects well, and you obviously write with skill. I think the story has so much potential that you don't want readers bailing out on it; a little more hook and a little less prose at the start would really empower the ms. I see some earlier comments that may help to tighten the book and keep it's pace, no sense in repeating them here. All in all, though, a terrific story shaping up. Highly rated. Best of luck with it.
Michael Croucher (Bravo's Veil)

I think this looks very promising indeed and I hope you will press on and finish it because it should be published one day.

Sue,

You have heard the "slow start" comment a dozen times but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be said again. Had it not been for the encouragement of others (e.g. Shubie) I too would probably have closed down the screen long before your story got to its first adrenaline fix deep into chapter 2.

I can fully understand why you have written the first one and a half chapters as you have - to emphasis the apparent normality of Susan's life. This needs to be there to heighten the dramatic impact of what comes after. So your challenge is keep the casual browser reading until your story explodes. In other words you need to create and early ‘reader hook’ without losing the literary chiaroscuro of a mundane life juxtaposed to vile abuse. I believe you can do it.

I am going to be so bold as to make a suggestion that I hope will help and get you thinking. Write a new opening line. (The added bonus of a new first line is that it will get rid of the seriously lame current first line.) You need an opening line that carries a tantalising question mark. You can easily leave that question hanging and no need at all to go back to it. The reader will register it and want to know what it means. Something like, "Susan touched at her cheek and gave a silent prayer that the concealer was doing its job.” I know this is shite and that you will be able to come up with something far better but try to imagine all the questions such a line immediately raises; questions that will (hopefully) get people wanting to find out what/why/who. And while I am being so bloody brash I would also suggest you compress chapter 1 and most of chapter 2 into a single chapter – maybe finishing at the end of the “Susan drove home . ..” paragraph but with an extra chapter-end hook after “Would they make it together? How long could she . . ?"

Sorry again for writing so presumptuously and pompously. I must sound like a very nasty big-head. I don’t mean to be. I’m just saying I think you have a great story here, really well told, and just missing some importnat hooks in some critical places.

Good luck (and feel free to write back telling me I is a stoodip donkey)

Elin

p.s. work the short pitch as well. Doesn't do your work justice. "In the arms of love. In the claws of fear."

Sue,

Thanks for asking me to take a look at this. I see many others have commented on your first chapter, and I agree with many of their comments. There is one other feature of that first chapter that goes on to affect your explosive 2nd chapter that I think is worth mentioning. Your prose sometimes falls into a patten of "Susan did this, then she did that. Then Susan saw this and thought that." Try to re-arrange some of these sentences to break that pattern.

I would also recommend reading aloud the dialogue that you write. The lines given to Nathan I think seem a bit unnatural (the rather longwindedness of some of his bits, his redundant use of "God..." when beginning a sentence). These things are best remedied by either saying aloud yourself and having somebody else reading them out to you.

All of that said, the subject matter covered here is something very different and I think quite special, and I hope you stick with it and work through the kinks. This is a story that needs to be written! cheers -cc

Okay, as requested, here's my take on the question of the opening, but please regard it as one unpublished writer's opinion.
Only you can know where your story begins.You may rewrite the opening many times because the seeds of the ending and hints of the theme should be in the opening, and may not be clear yet. So, bearing that in mind, at the moment it gives the impression that the reader is in for a story about Susan's problems with - the law? authority figures? shopping? the church?
She looks at her watch twice. The second time is before she goes into the church, and this time there is more tension. I sense a conflict. I suggest this is where your story begins, for now, and everything before that is throat clearing. Try cutting it and see what happens, but don't throw away what you cut.
You don't need a view of the two churches because it's all in that paragraph, which, by the way is very strong.

A great story hampered by a slow start.

You have too many references to watching her watch. I thought she was waiting for someone, but she wasn’t. Then she’s speeding. Then she’s stopping at a church. But she’s late. Husband makes snide remarks. But it doesn’t give a depth of fear of him.
The clothes she didn’t buy, we have no idea why they weren’t suitable. Suitable for him, or suitable for her role as vicar’s wife.
Too much weather reporting.
There are point of view issue with the sad smile and a description of her. Would she be conscious of giving a sad smile? And sad contradicts smile.
Veiled hints at the time before don’t make any sense. Before what?

To be honest the first chapter does not do the rest justice. I realize you are trying to show a woman who is slightly disorganized, and failing her duties, but as we have not context for how, or who this will have repercussions on, it does not hold the attention the way it should.

Once we get to meet husband, and discover his brutality, the reader is pulled into sympathy for her a situation they will want resolved.
I wish you luck with this.

the first chapter makes it seem like she has some mental issues, and the second chapter makes you know why. :D Nathan is not the nice man as he looks like early on in chapter two, but coming towards the end... I like this book. i'll be watching this!

This promises to be a disturbing read. I only had time for the first three chapters, but already I can see you have the material here to explore some deep levels of conflict. Once chapter two takes off the dialogue carries the narrative at a pace that drags the reader along by the hair. It's horrible, this misogyny in the church. I gather Susan is a believer and so her conflicts will be more profound because of that. I should like to see them examined in depth.

The opening chapter gives no hint really of the violence to come. Getting a parking ticket seems a little bland an opening for such a novel. personally, I'm quite happy to be lulled into a false sense of security and then wrong-footed, but I think most readers will require a stronger hook.

I'll rate it now and keep it on my watch list for future readin when I've cleared my backlog.
best of luck.

Forgot to tell you I'd be starring it and placing it when I'm allowed.
Lenore

Hidden Within
I've read all five chapters, upsetting as the material is, and obviously, since my book is about child sexual abuse, I understand the trauma of the victim as she faces others and their incredulous reactions. You have a good flowing text, but I would like to see more introspection to make the story really pop. I've just finished reading Alice Hoffman's Blue Planet, about a beloved man in a community that turns out to have killed a girl 15 years earlier. Different plot, but if you read it, you will be drawn into the wife's feelings, her dilemma, considering his positive community reputation, so her lack of support for him becomes awkward.

I see what her plan is, buoyed by limited support, but what I want to see is the helplessness, not only the bruises. I want to envision how she feels as she leaves the house for errands, why she doesn't keep going and find shelter. I want her reaction when he belittles her in front of church groups — the lack of self-esteem she must have, but embedded anger that has no voice. I'm unclear about Mr. Saint -- an obvious name?That needs more definition which I assume comes in later chapters.

I do like the lack of support and assumptions that this is her fault for not being available to her husband. Fault is consistent with the victim as the abuser puts the responsibility on the victim. Let Laura try to work out these opposing theories. She needs to be raped because she is cold. She is cold because she is raped. Helpless or assertive? How does she manage this defeatist and self degradation so that she can go buy electronic equipment?

You do have a story to tell her, but those who have not suffered abuse of any kind need to understand why she doesn't just pack a bag. You and I know why. Let her tell readers so they can understand her physical and emotional pain.

My best to you,
Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

Sue,
I have read chapters 1 and 2. You write well and we empathise with Susan from the start. The contrast between Nathan's public and private faces in chapter 1 & 2 set the scene for the rest of the book well. I like that in chapter 2, we see the first subtle signs of rebellion from Susan. This sits well with your pitch and shows her readiness for change.
I wish you luck.
Kipper

Sue,
I have read chapters 1 and 2. You write well and we empathise with Susan from the start. The contrast between Nathan's public and private faces in chapter 1 & 2 set the scene for the rest of the book well. I like that in chapter 2, we see the first subtle signs of rebellion from Susan. This sits well with your pitch and shows her readiness for change.
I wish you luck.
Kipper

Sue,
I have read chapters 1 and 2. You write well and we empathise with Susan from the start. The contrast between Nathan's public and private faces in chapter 1 & 2 set the scene for the rest of the book well. I like that in chapter 2, we see the first subtle signs of rebellion from Susan. This sits well with your pitch and shows her readiness for change.
I wish you luck.
Kipper

Sue,
I have read chapters 1 and 2. You write well and we empathise with Susan from the start. The contrast between Nathan's public and private faces in chapter 1 & 2 set the scene for the rest of the book well. I like that in chapter 2, we see the first subtle signs of rebellion from Susan. This sits well with your pitch and shows her readiness for change.
I wish you luck.
Kipper

Hidden Within is one more vivid example of the fact of spousal abuse and the psychology of both abuser and victim. Even while wanting Susan to win in the end, I find myself continually frustrated by Susan's passivity and low self-evaluation, which work to Nathan's advantage over her. Anything the law can do seems inadequate punishment for the Nathans of this world--unless they find themselves in prison and more powerful and aggressive prisoners make the former abusers their "bitches"--and they are forced to endure what their wives endured at their hands. When HIV infection follows, then there is, perhaps, true justice.

This is a well told tale, and if the promise of the first chapters is kept, it could go far. Shelved.

Bill

This isn't something i usually read but your writing is quick, sharp and descriptive. All things i enjoy in a book.
Best of wishes with this and good luck.
Katie

At first glance ...

"in her little red Honda."

Is there any other kind of Honda than "little?" Scratch little.

She "looked down quickly at her watch" ... How about "glanced." One word instead of three.

She "really" wanted to make one stop. Scratch really. If she wanted to, then she really wanted to, of course. Half as many words.

She tapped her food "down" on the accelerator. How else but "down" would you tap the accelerator? Scratch down.

Go through the entire story doing this, looking for redundancies, finding ways to say it with fewer words.

Best wishes ... FEL "The Final Cruise"

Hidden Within ... is on my WL now, Jan. 30, 2011. Will get to it soon as I can.

FEL

You handle such a difficult subject matter so very well, without being morbid and by keeping the reader guessing. The characters are very well drawn, and it kept me reading in the hope that this Nathan might meet a particularly grisly end. Good luck, I hope to see this shoot back up, it deserves to be read by everyone. 5 stars, Leigh x

Bang. As the twist hit me right between the eyese. Wasnt expecting that even if i did read the introduction.
Great contrast betweent he two worlds but written so they simply run into each other.
Look forward to reading more soon.

Oh wow. I started reading this thinking it was going to be a 'chic-litty' thing, which the pitch seemed to suggest. I don't normally like, but I was going to say how much I was liking this. The start is quite uplifting and beautifully described, but it's at the end of the first chapter that it's clear something is not as it should be. Then again, those nails just pressing into her wrist is a forerunner of worse to come.

This is very well told, full of such a contrast, which is perfect, because that's what her life is - contrast. What appears on the surface and what is true behind closed doors. I would love to read more of this when you upload it. Watchlisting you for the moment.
Cariad
STONES.

This is fantastic. Such a great contrast between the violence and abuse and the apparently caring ecclesiastical environment. The tension starts almost immediately as you sense Susan's fear. I raced through everything you have posted and eager for more. A great read and a very strong subject. Undoubtedly a book I would buy to take home. More please!
Shubie

Sue -

Hidden Within - I read this before and was certain I left a comment. Can't find it. A gentle entry is followed by a shocking revelation in your first chapter. Things are coming to a head for Susan. In a classic setup where the victim must face down her shadow your setting is unique and helps the drama no end. The style of writing would easily draw me into the story. New golden stars and a place on my WL. If backing is stretched in time please remind me. Best success, Pia

Great pitch. I especially liked the closing sentence of chapter one. Really really good, both gripping the reader and explaining in part why Susan is at St. Christopher’s! I’ll keep reading.

Nitpicks (feel free to ignore!):

“she was already going a little too fast.” This might sound a little better as, “despite the fact that she was already breaking the speed limit.”

I think it would sound more realistic if you switched around the two sentences “Susan pulled . . .” and “A sick thud.” As SOON as Susan remembers where the police car hides, she should feel the sick thud. Then when the car actually pulls her over her stomach should be somewhere near her toes. :)

“The autumn day turned bright and crisp and what HAD THREATENED to be a cold when she LEFT home morphed into a gentle breeze.”

“to his eyes which looked down. . .” This needs a comma: “to his eyes, which looked down . . .”

“She had to grab it and steady it.” The two “its” is redundant. Just, “She had to grab and steady it.”

I’m not sure what the ticket-scene is for. It doesn’t exactly reveal an important aspect of Susan’s character, and if it’s direly important to the plot, I would leave it out.

-EZ

HIDDEN WITHIN

Interesting start and a good pitch to draw the reader in. A few grammar mistakes in 2nd para -- I think the odd comma would benefit. Also your opening line seemed a bit clumsy to me - mixed tenses - should passing windowpanes be passed? Besides it sounds like they are passing by not the driver. May be me.
The book flows and I was a bit shocked as I got into chapter 4. What an absolute horror her husband is, she should leave him at once - but all to easy to sit and suggest this from the comfort of your own home. Will she find solace and love from Mr Saint.
Very readable and utterly believable.
I shall give you good stars and put you on my WL. Good luck with this.

If you find a quiet mo could you please take a look at The Crossing please?

Faith
THE CROSSING

Well, after the good, but late and speeding wife in chapter 1, I didn't expect what was to come in chapter 2. You totally turned this round on its head, making it quite an interesting read. Surprises are always good, plus it totally put things into perspective as to why Susan is so timid. The vicar is horrible, and I can see that their marriage is going to end very badly. Susan is such a nice character, placed in total contrast to Nathan. Mr. Saint is interesting, the way he was looking at Susan most definitely not stares of pity. Romance will be blooming between these two, and hopefully he'll save her from her horrid husband.

Fascinating characters: the good and the bad as well as the saintly :) All the best, Marita.

I couldn't stop reading - I want more.
Your story is (sadly) believable.
Excellent job on developing your characters, especially with Susan's naivety and Nathans' hostile ways - I hate him. (reminds me of my abusive ex)
I don't get why Susan is speeding in chapter one though. Maybe start with ‘A siren sounded and a police car came barreling out onto the road.’ as your first sentence. A cop car with lights and sirens going has more impact for those who hope to be hooked by the first sentence than Susan glancing at her watch.
I've ******ed your book and will keep it on my shelf.
Please tell me you will be downloading more - I want to know what happens.

- Linda -
Ommay's Island

Chapter One hooked me into the story with Susan's stress at being late (I can relate to that!) and undertones of something more sinister going on. Then the shock of Chapter Two and her nasty husband. All really compulsive reading. Chapter three let it down a little - Laura, Janet, Jennifer, Tom - too many characters introduced and skimmed over too quickly. I had to reread this part several times to make sense of who was who. But this has the makings of a page-turning novel. Your writing style is easy to sink into. Happy to give Hidden Within a high star rating.

This is highly readable and I love the way you are developing the tentative relationship between Susan and Mr Saint. I also get why Susan is so unsure of herself, brought up on a diet of obedience to men, and her lack of experience with sex, makes her an ideal target for an abusive man. What I am less sure on, is Susan's sudden blurting of what is happening to her sister, Laura, with whom she barely has a relationship and now suddenly they are best pals. Her obedient and compliant nature, suggests she would be more likely to believe Jen's version of her marriage, and I thought she would have tried harder to conceal the truth from Laura and put her off. Susan knows she is right, but she lacks the conviction to go to the police because the church is brainwashing her, and therefore her confession to Laura seems out of character. I personally would make this revelation to Laura less forthcoming. Maybe Laura could keep pestering her and as her relationship with Mr Saint grows (and she understands just how sick Nathan's 'loving' is) she finally lets Laura in. I also think you rush over what could be very taught scenes e.g. at the family home with the dad, and the flashback scenes with Mr Manning, this means the characters are lacking depth and roundness in places. What you do have is a page turner and with lots of attention to craft and building characters that the reader fully empathises with it would be unputdownable. Hope my thoughts of some help. Jake

oH, great - a flawed Vicar! I like the way the nasty builds slowly through the mundane parish lunch. I think you could make more of the speeding fine at the beginning. It's a nice metaphor for what the novel appears to be about although you haven't uploaded much. why not open with the police car sentence? It's more eye catching and may be remembered as Susan's life gets worse. JRM

You have a very unique story here, with the twisted vicar and abused, good-girl wife. One of the issues I had (and always have with stories of abusive relationships) is that it always makes me a bit impatient with the wife, wondering why she would put up with it. I'm not saying in true life situations, I'm saying in fiction, where it's the writer's responsibility to create a believable situation. I think that you have done it here. You could have made Susan unbelievably naive. She's somewhat naive in her life experiences--for instance she knows that her huband's behavior is wrong but isn't really 100 percent sure because she's so inexperienced. The fact that this is tied into spirituality and religion for her makes it more complicated. I think this is an interesting premise. The overall prose struck me as a very good first draft. You have proper grammar, etc...but much of this needs a good going-over to reduce some wordiness. "Susan moved her foot to the brake to slow the car down" could be "Susan tapped on the brake pedal." I'm not sure she would have the time to think: "Luck was not with her today." Does anyone think of luck in this situation, or just a sinking feeling? She does get a "horrible feeling" but why? Does she get lots of tickets, or is she afraid of her husband? Of course, we wouldn't know this for several more paragraphs. Watch when you're describing how or why someone is doing something. You don't need to say someone looked "with sadness" if you say that tears are in their eyes. Reduce your sentences to active words, get rid of things like "which was" and "even." Cut, cut, cut! Read aloud and don't be afraid to shorten. A good start, keep at it!

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Hi Sue,

You need to strengthen the hook in your first paragraph- let us feel a sense of apprehension, danger. Why is she speeding? Instead it feels just annoying, which is no way to open a book. That first sentence needs to be AWESOME. "Just when Susan thought she was going to get away with the third crime of her short life, the scream of a siren shattered her ears" etc. Humor? Danger? Hook us in!
Watch for passive voice-- there's a lot of "was" going around..do a search and destroy on it! The car just seems to have a mind of its own, but we want to know what Susan's thinking!
Para three- 'tiny' repeated. Also, how are we seeing her? It's third person POV right? Not universal god POV. You have to come up with a way we can see her without just throwing out her dimensions.
I like the cold church, the drama of Christ on his cross, he almost seems ready to drop blood on her.(shudder)
Next paragraph needs a lot of work. too many different thoughts, and exclamation points!! are to be avoided...
There's a nice hook at the end into the next chapter...why is this woman so haunted? What is "driving" her? We still don't know. We should START the book with this sense of impending doom...
Chapter 2
You start the chap with an irrelevancy, who cares about where she parked the car, unless it shows her lateness/disorganization,which I think I'm getting already.
Grocery bags? Where did they come from?
Dialogue- too many qualifiers. Let the dialogue unfold without so many tags/descriptions. Use the words the convey the tone.Even without all the "light and mocking" and I'm not liking Nathan just for calling her "little woman".
Aha, an abuser! After Nthan critiques her and grabs her arm, definiely lose the qualifier, unless its her thought, her justifying him, then put in italics or something.
Would Nathan be saying "God" in his rant? Seems inconsistent, like he'd be technically honoring God even if actions didn't support.
"Susan forced herself to think right" revise.
Okay you're losing me in all her internal dialogue...muddled, confusing, and if that's to show her state of mind it goes on too long. Give us info another way? or is it even important?
Hm. After all that drama, now, other than the intrigueing Mr Saint and his cigar and eyes (what color are they?) it's a boring committee meeting! What's it about? Make it interesting--a ban on lewd movies at the marquee, or smoking 100 yards around the church! LOL
OMG. Whoa! porn and rape? I was unprepared... lead us in a little more gently, some hints, like "he was usually going to do those things when the lights were low. Her heart raced as she considered how to escape" slow it down, let us hope she can escape and try to, with her.
Eww..penis on her leg. jarring note.
Strengthen the hook into the next chapter.
Chapter 3
Jennifer- Stay with the sing-song coercion behind the sugarplum exterior. Here's a woman who's sold out to the oppression, expose her. Why all the backstory? Do we really need all that?
Backstory on Laura...I'd rather see this in realtime, in some interaction between her and Susan.
oh, Jens' a friend. Thought she was a sister. Make clearer.
Hot Cycle, cold cycle" Good!
Not sure this long reflection in bed is the way to go.. Sidebar about John Manning. Is he a character? I do get the pressure/judgement of the male-dominated church leadership here and that's good to include.
Ends on a note of her beginning to get a spine. Im rooting for her!
Chap 4
Need transition between early-morning wakeup call and kitchen. Too unclear/abrupt.
Yay! Rebellious sister to the rescue! I feel like things are picking up speed here. The dialogue flows much better and feels more real.
You skim over Laura's story. I want more of this. I want the conversation between the sisters as Laura shares her pain. It'll make her more 3 dimentional...
The chapter ends on a whimper rather than a hook. Even with a family drama, keep us turning the pages with interest in what comes next, and there must be a lot!

This is an important story Sue, and needs to be told. It's in rough shape but with some polishing, will really be a diamond and shine light on a neglected subject. Good work!
Aloha
Ven

Thanks for reading my two short stories. You were very brave to have done so considering our genres couldn't be more far apart. Mine is set in America with American spellings and your is so very middle English.

That said I found this a very enjoyable read. The first chapter was short and drew me in. I thought you got off to a great start with the police siren, but I do feel you should re visit a sentence to avoid using the word 'came twice'. Also 'came on', doesn't sound right. Maybe simply 'A siren sounded..... Other than that I thought the read was smooth and interesting.

There was some good character development of your MC and mystery surrounding her visit to the village and church which begged me to turn the page.

In the second chapter I liked the interaction of your characters by the use of some realistic dialogue. I was however forced to stop when it came to the part sentence in brackets. I would lose the brackets, although this is purely a question of individual style.

After three chapters I stopped to reflect. The story development is definately there as is the character development. I found it hard to reconcile the chic lit tag with the religous tag. Having said that, the setting was very visible in my mind, but for my taste, it was all a little too Marks and Spencerish. The three chapters did leave many questions unanswered and surprisingly I found my self asking those very questions a reader would want to read on to find out where the story was taking us.

I can see this doing well with your target audience

Good luck
Declan

An interesting story that engages the reader well.

backed,

Lisa

'Hidden Within '

You convey the story very well and are able to convey emotions and create empathy. I found the chapters you have uploaded to be articulate, well thought out and convincing.

Jane
'Breath in the Dark'

Ch 1
Chic lit tag is bang on. And there is a definitely and recognisable feel of this is now, too. I know Cambridge and everyone in the UK must be familiar with at least one M&S. I was a bit surprised by some of the nit-pick comments because I thought the writing flowed well and cleanly. I didn't pull up at any point. But I suspect you may have edited post the comments.
Perhaps the siren seems to be more than just that of a police car and presages that all is not well in her life. She is making sudden decisions. She feels ill. All is not well. The fact she is minded to pray suggests she is very ill at easy emotionally as well as physically. We wonder why? I like these dabs '...in rich red wood...' and esp '...a drop of timber blood...' The introduction has us screaming, 'What's wrong girl?' Is she having an affair? Wld read on to find out. A blond in a little red car... hmm. What is she up to?

Hello there,
Just read your four chapters and well, I went from indifference to interest to real emotion and captivation.

The start with the police car didn't captivate me at all. I'm still not sure why it was relevant and think that a more relevant or startling start would be better. Perhaps a hint to what happens to her? I then read the rest of the first chapter without being grabbed that much at all. And so onto chapter two, when interest started to pick up....until bloomin heck I didnt see that coming! Suddenly there were was rape, tension, abuse, anger, then despair at her sister, then hope - lots of emotion for the reader and from the reader.

For what it's worth - I think you do need to do something to increase interest in the very first part of the book. Agents may well not read the first four chapters as I did, but want something more grabbing or intriguing. My thought would be to almost chop the first chapter out but perhaps you find that a little drastic? I do very much like the images of Christ and the wish that he would help her. So maybe starting in the church?

BTW I agree with previous comments by Sly80 about variation and think that is something you should look at - also reading other books with the sole purpose of seeing how they address the points Sly80 has addressed here. And in my opinion if you address these issues and do something with the start you have one hell of a book - no pun intended.
Loads of luck and thanks
Richard W Hardwick - author of Andalucia

Hi Sue
I think with a little work, this will end up even more gripping than it already is. I don't think Monsoon has an 'S' on the end.
Good luck
Sue

Hidden Within

Sue, I love the way you’ve given me insight into Susan’s life right at the start – ‘Monsoon clothes would never be considered acceptable.’ This is great, as I empathise with her immediately and understand much about her narrow life and state of mind right away. Yes, she would thank the Policeman! I understand Susan already, and her sudden impulse to do something different from her normal routine. This alone would keep me reading on.

Your characterisation is outstanding … ‘This time she’s going to pray ’. Excellent, and why in another church? I want to know. ‘Maybe it was a plea’ – excellent.
I love: ‘Then, as had become her habit …’ Sue, I don’t know what the grammatical word is for what you’ve done here, but the use of ‘habit’ for Susan – while she is visiting a church to pray – with its associations with piety and modesty is utterly inspired. Very moving end to chapter one, and a good hook to keep me reading.

Now I get a feel for Nathan, and I don’t like his pompous, mocking tone. And I don’t like how everyone keeps calling Susan his ‘little wife’! I have a palpable sense of foreboding. This is a well-crafted novel, with first-rate characterisation. Hints of back story coming in – just enough to pique my curiosity but not intruding into the scenes. Reading on I see that Nathan is actually quite cruel - a real bully yet Susan speaks up, apparently not too cowed by his subtle yet constant put-downs. Ah, now I understand his indignation! What a terrible threat to his ego that must have been - Susan being asked to chair the restoration committee. You expertly show how Susan wrestles with conflicting interests – her churning emotions and the more pressing need to concentrate on her duties.

Interesting interaction between the people at the meeting – clues to underlying resentments, hints of intrigue and illicit attractions. I like Susan very much – she comes across as self-contained and surprisingly not weak, considering the way people seem to want to put her down.

Well, this is unexpected! But not that much of a shock, knowing Nathan. I’m aware now of how cleverly you have built the subtle tension earlier – that sense of foreboding. Of course I’m gripped.

I’ve read on now, and want to strangle Jennifer. Some friend she is. Susan might not have broken her parents’ heart but her own is cracked from the strain of burying herself.

Sue, this is a thought-provoking and searingly realistic portrayal of a young woman struggling to maintain her sense of self within an abusive marriage to a convincing, charming but horribly cruel and inadequate misogynist. There are some minor nitpicks, some of which I’ll message you, but which I’m sure will be sorted out as you hone this work. This novel has huge potential, brilliant characterisation and an excellent storyline. I’m putting it on my shelf.
Diana

The start of the story has the reader wondering why Susan should need to pray in another church when she is the wife of a vicar. When we first meet Nathan, the tension between the couple is palpable - very well conveyed without making it overly obvious. Later we see how Nathan undermines her at every chance, and probably lies in order to do so too. Nice subtle drawing of her reaction to Mr Saint too.

Nothing subtle in Nathan's reaction when she gets home. Nothing very godly about him at all. Jennifer, on the other hand is much 'holier than thou'. 'Could she look them in their doubting eyes and tell them all to go to hell?' - it is to be hoped so. Thank heavens for good old earthy Laura, 'All you could see was what Mum and Dad felt. You couldn't see me'.

The plot so far is brilliant: the downtrodden butter-wouldn't-melt religious woman married to the vicar from hell. The idea of her and her sister proving that Nathan is as bad as she claims is a fabulous hook. I also suspect there's the chance of a romance blossoming with the aptly named Mr Saint who seems to already have an idea that Nathan isn't very nice. Characterisation is great and the dialogue very natural. The writing, while skilful, needs some further editing (suggestions below), after which this will be an excellent and very commercial prospect.

Possible nits: 'A siren came ... the police car came' - watch out for words such as 'came', 'going' and 'got' as often there are stronger words to use - also watch out for 'look/looked/looking'. 'tiny framed [frame]'. 'Susan's music was blaring', what music and from where, e.g. radio? 'use this time to [get] her head'. 'homely women that [who] filled the lounge chairs'. 'threw [her] face down across the arm'. 'This could be consider for'??

Maybe try to introduce a bit more sentence variation as in places it becomes a bit staccato, e.g. Susan's car ... Nathan's car ... Susan felt ... She tried ... She couldn't ... He should.

The story starts with us looking at the Honda, and in the next line being inside it with Susan. It might be better to start out inside the car with her and having her realise she is speeding by noticing the dial, then slowing down. Later 'The car veered off' is outside again.

Oh my goodness Sue..oh my goodness. This is..I am lost for words, but very very grateful to you for writing it. The characters are so real, they leap from the page. I could kill that bastard Nathan with my bare hands, funny that, always thought I was a pacifist, but he makes me see red.
The narrative is strong and you treat a touchy subject with such venerability that I want to cry over it all.
Beautifully written and 100 per cent genuine.
On my shelf in the next change round and 6 stars winging their way to you now.
Thank you again.
Millie x

Hello, I have read all four chapters and am eager to read more. The pacing is good, and the characters are developing well.

The character of Sooz is well rounded and works well ,given the backstory of her parents behaviour, her reticence in standing up for herself is understandable. Nathan needs a good punch in the mouth. I hope someone gives him one {Mr Saint} perhaps.
Domestic violence is a difficult area to tackle and you have done a great job allowing the reader to comprehend how this type of behaviour is hidden, the abuse is profound, and the victim is the one that is made to feel guilty.

I like where this is going. Well done.
Suzannah Burke
Twisted.

Hello Sue,
I read Hidden within with interest. As you have only uploaded 4 chaps I guess it is a work in progress. You adeptly create the tension very early on and I soon guessed something was amiss with Nathan. That small flag kept me reading on. Tension is again created in m/c feelings for the Mr Saint. ( I assume he's going to be one). You have such a strong compelling story to tell, told in crisp uncluttered prose, but If I were to criticise it would be to suggest you cut out most of the info about the numerous church duties the couple perform. They get in the way of the story and slow it up. Also, in the last scene in chap 1 a couple of descriptions jarred, 'his face ploughing into her vagina' was one. Perhaps this scene requires a re-visit and some polishing.
I will continue to read and in the meantime have starred and WL it.
If you have the time I would appreciate your comments on Lovesick.
Jenny

A clear, well delineated story with much to recommend it. It's both charming and frightening in its simplicity, but there are assocaited negatives with simplicity as previous readers have pointed out.

Have you thought of spreading out the back story beyond just chapter 3, so there is a sustained reveal of it, allowing for greater character develpoment and intereaction, e.g between Susan and Laura. Just a thought.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON