Benjamin's Gift

Greetings!

I found your book through the Alliance of World Builders. If you're of the inclination, I'd appreciate a read of Winter Wolf.

I tend to be outspoken, so I hope that you don't mind my commentary.

Introduction ::

This 'first chapter' didn't really do much for me. I tend to skip prologues and introductions. I read yours, but like with most prologues / introductions, there wasn't anything here that really, really gripped me. The writing quality was good, however, and I didn't see anything that jumped off of the page at me in terms of needing correction. It just wasn't my cup of coffee/tea/hot chocolate.

Gemini's Heart

The first sentence is redundant. You tell us he is of small stature; leave it at that. Cut the not very tall. That is what small stature is. A first line of a book (Intro/Prologue excluded) needs to be really, really strong. Right now, you do a lot of info dumping. He was a man of small stature isn't necessarily a bad starting sentence, but I think with your general quality of writing, you can come up with something even better.

The major thing that is jumping out at me in the first two or three paragraphs is the general passive nature of your writing. Your POV is held at arm's length, a narrator discussing the life and virtues of Benjamin, rather than an immediate get-in-the-seat with Benjamin.

The pacing of this first section was pretty slow for me. You have good grammar and demonstrate good use of language, but you tell me about his life; you don't show it to me. There is so much potential for intensity in the moments prior to Benjamin meeting the ghost, but you feed us so much information on his day to day life that these important, intense moments are lost. It really feels like you rush to set up Benjamin, rather than just throwing Benjamin into the thick of things and letting us see him for who he is as the story unfolds around him. We don't need to know about Benjamin's gym habits to know how he reacts to a 'ghost'. (I call her ghost because I'm not really sure what she is.) There is a lot of potential in the basic story line, but it gets lost in the monotony of daily life.

The second thing I noticed is that the dialogue between them came across as very stilted to me. Benjamin, after you set him up to be freaked out about the whole thing, is just too calm. He doesn't pace, he doesn't throw his hands up in the air, he doesn't struggle for acceptance. He goes along with the ghost with very little complaint or needing convinced. All he cares about is that he can go to the gym. This didn't feel natural to me.

I think if you let yourself slow down, you can take your general good use of language and turn it into a fantaastic story. Right now, it feels more like something I would find in a history book; a relay of events without that spark that makes Benjamin come to life on the page.

The Sewers ::

I like your inclusion of general magic in this chapter. Throughout, I got the feeling that you wanted to get through this section as quick as possible to get on to something more enjoyable. Your characters go through events so quickly that there is no time to settle on any one scene before you are off on another event or piece of information. I think there is one thing that I can suggest that will really, really improve this story. Please take your time! Don't be afraid to get in there and get your hands dirty. Let us see your characters come to life. You have a good sense of grammar, you understand how English works -- you have moments where your writing gets that spark. But I continuously got the feeling that you wanted to hurry, hurry, hurry.

Your plot premise here is really interesting, and I think once you execute things where your writing doesn't feel rushed, you will have a really good story here. I hope that this hasn't discouraged you too much, because the idea behind the story is really interesting, and I think there is potential here. I'm going to put this on my watchlist to see what you decide to do with this story, and I hope that you decide to go back and take your time with it -- show us your characters, your story, your world. Right now, you're telling it, in my opinion.

Good luck, and I hope this helps you.

Just to let those know who have commented, and those who intend to comment. I understand that this needs a LOT of editing. I am working on it, it may take me a while. I thank you all for the suggestion and critiques. It means so much to me.

This needs some editing, let me reread it when you've done this. Message me.

This is very good and I think it could definitly make an EXCELANT published book! It kept me interested the whole time, and has a very good story line!
However, it does need alot of editing (which is OK cause every great book does!)
The introduction was very good.
I noticed that you are a passive writer. I am too. Detail in the proper places is the real trouble that Passive Writers have.
For example: You could cut out the detail on his morning rutine and his bath at the begining, but you could DEFINITLY add alot more detail when he first meets Gemini after the ghost hunters leave. Her height, her form, her posture, and even more on the sound of her voice. You could add more detail about his feelings. Just how frightened was he? Did it make his heart stop and the color drain from his cheeks? That is a freaky, but special moment, and it needs more detail to bring it to such.
It is the same in a few other areas of the book too. Detail that brings your reader into the life, mind, and heart of your character.
You also have a lot of run-on sentences and scenes that go way to fast for the reader. I have trouble with the same thing in my writing. That is where a little more detail in areas would help as well. Taste, touch, sight, smell, feelings - put these into your book and your character, then it will personalize it so much more for your reader, and not only draw them into it, but put them in the same world!
Try reading aloud to yourself more often. That helps me a lot! Also, try having a trusted friend or family memeber read it, and have them help you out with the editing. They will have a fresh readers perspective of it!
Again, I really liked it A LOT and I hope it gets big! Good job! Polish it up and it will be GREAT!
On my watch list, and I am backing it, and giving it a good rating!
Kathryn Fogleman - The Dragon's Son -

Benjamin's gift. Notes.

A distinctive fantasy, with an unusual take on aspects of the genre, it has charm, but is rough around the edges, and in need of editing and revision.

First, I'm a pernickety person, and have all sorts of unreasonable ideas as to what a book should be, so feel free to dismiss anything I say out of hand, anyone who knows me does.

Thank you for sharing your work.

First thing is a fairly standard point of view I have towards prologues and such, I couldn't see what the introduction added to the story.


Chapter 1.

This gets going slowly, but has an intriguing premise and a distinct mystery when it starts to roll. Benjamin is a marginally sympathetic character, the mystery woman, Gemini, is altogether an enigma. She could be anything, she could be honest, or a figment of his imagination, or trying to lure Benjamin into something nefarious or dangerous.

I'm not sure what stage you are at in the writing process, but this needs a lot of editing. Do you have a particular writer whose style you like and wish to emulate? Do you have a writer's guide to grammar, punctuation, and so forth? Check out your local library for resources for writers.

This guy is a geek, but goes to the gym? Hmm. Also, there should be some sort of veneration of hardware going on when his lifestyle is introduced.

I have indicated some of the things which I feel require attention. I know that I get blind to my own errors, having looked at the pages so many times that I only see what I expect to see, rather than what is actually there. One way to overcome this is to read your work out loud, slowly, you can also record yourself doing this and listen to it, this can help to highlight issues in the text.


He was a man of small stature, not very tall. This is tautology, one or the other.

Often he thought about kindling a relationship . . . Very few people think about KINDLING a relationship, men least of all.

The day was Thursday for Benjamin . . . This made me wonder what day it was for everybody else.

it felt like a cat had caught his tongue--I know the proverbial saying "cat got your tongue?" but it seems out of place here, I can't see what you mean by it.

When he asks the book if it has legs, there should be a question mark.

Benjamin's mother sounds very unsympathetic, is she meant to be a selfish bitch?

He had recalled the Ghost hunters . . . This makes it sound as if he remembered them, rather than called them again.

Maybe his mother was right. But there is no explanation . . . Going from past to present tense like this is a bit confusing.

Mister I have been here far longer than you have. . . This doesn't sound respectful to me.

Mister I think you can help me with my plea . . . Who is she pleading to?

It was a piece of this wood . . . You don't need 'this' in the sentence.

The morning was unusual . . . I would have a more distinct break than just having a new paragraph here, as you have gone from one day to the next.

. . . her face had tints of colour in them . . . Face is singular, them is plural.

He got up out of bed and found some cloth(e)s to wear.

A few questions are left hanging: how and why did she choose him? How could she have been there longer than he has if she chose him? Did she actually materialise out of the WC?


Chapter 2.

You let your imagination loose a bit more in chapter 2, with some vivid scenes. The mystery deepens, with Wilber saying Gemini is not to be trusted, but then again, is Wilber? Benjamin appears to be a hunter, a rare type of person, deepening the mystery further.

Again, there is a fair amount of editing to do. I don't know how you approach this side of writing, one of the things I try to do is to work out what bits I need, and get rid of anything I don't. Ernie's shop, for example, seemed to have extraneous detail, it didn't further the story or develop Benjamin's character, neither did it add particularly to the atmosphere. It could be made into a telling detail if it were integrated into a wider view of Benjamin or his neighbourhood. The dialogue does not seem to reflect the different speakers, the tone is very much the same no matter who is talking. Dialogue can be used to help build the individuality of your characters very effectively, as well as to propel the story, try to get under the skin of each character and find their voice.

Sadly, Ben only smiled at Sally . . . The 'sadly' is an unnecessary value judgment, the reader can make their own.

. . . a shadowed (shadowy?) figure was living in his apartment . . .

. . . phycological (psychological) analysis . . .

. . . it seemed to likely (too unlikely?) for this to happen in the same week.

I like the combination lock.

I was really unsure about a Queen called Whitney, no matter what she is Queen of.

Ben saw a mystical world, one he could only . . . This whole sentence is unnecessary and gets in the way of the story, just tell what he sees, and then his reaction.

. . . and many other fascinating creatures from fairytales. I felt this undermined the suspension of disbelief.

The kid seeing him materialise could freak out more.

Gemini's impatience seems a little at odds with her former behaviour.

Ben said as he covered his mouth with a portion if (of) his jacket.

I like what I have read so far it is a different topic then what I ususally read and I must admit the hairs on my arms rose when the woman first appeared.
The only drawback I had was the wording in the first paragraph of chapter one, I think if you read through them slowly word by word you will see what I mean I am not sure if a word is missed or if extra words have been inserted but I found it confusing.
I really like you voice in the story and the pacing. I have given you a high star rating

I like what I have read so far it is a different topic then what I ususally read and I must admit the hairs on my arms rose when the woman first appeared.
The only drawback I had was the wording in the first paragraph of chapter one, I think if you read through them slowly word by word you will see what I mean I am not sure if a word is missed or if extra words have been inserted but I found it confusing.
I really like you voice in the story and the pacing. I have given you a high star rating

I read your introduction and first chapter.

General comments: An interesting start to what appears to be a thought-provoking love story. A sympathetic main character. Good dialogue. Good pacing. Good drama.

Specific comments on the introduction:
1) 'If lost all of your ...' Comma after 'lost.'
2) 'In country that history forgot ...' Insert 'a' after 'in.'
3) ' ... people there practiced a a magical custom ... ' Remove one of the two 'a' words.
4) 'A person would put there entire heart in that gift.' 'There' should be 'their.'
5) ' ... when the givers heart is not accepted?' Givers (plural) should be giver's (possessive).

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) ' ... once a day for an hour in a half.' 'In' should be 'and.'
2) 'Except on Sunday's ... ' Sunday's (possessive) should be Sundays (plural).
3) 'Ben drew a bath for himself to was the seat and grim off ... ' 'To was the seat' should be 'to wash the sweat.'
4) "We recorded it in your bathroom," They told him in all seriousness. 'They' should be lowercase. When a dialogue tag (tells who said something) follows dialogue, the first word in the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name). There are many more cases of this type of problem.
5) Ben walked over to the book, put it back and said. "Do you have legs or something, you crazy book." Comma after 'said.' When a dialogue tag preceeds dialogue, the dialogue tag is punctuated with a comma. Also, put a question mark after 'book.'
6) 'It was 2:17 pm' should be 'It was 2:17 p.m.'
7) "Oh, sh--" Ben yelped. You asked if 'yelped' was the right word. I think it is.
8) 'Benjamin quickly jump out of the toilet,' 'Jump' should be 'jumped.' Also, I thought Ben was in the tub.
9) 'She placed her black, ghostlike, hand on his as gesture of thanks.' Remove comma after 'ghostlike' and insert 'a' after 'as.'
10) "Why do you stare at me Mr. Ben," she asked inquisitively. Comma after 'me.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. Also, punctuate this dialogue question with a question mark.
11) ' ... and found some cloths to wear ... ' 'Cloths' should be 'clothes.'
12) ' ... it smelled like his mothers cooking ...' Mothers (plural) should be mother's (possessive).

I hope this critique helps you polish these all important first couple of chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

I hope you will put "Savannah Passion" on you shelf and keep it there until it is selected for the editor's desk.

Have a sensational day.

Al

This is a wonderful pice of work. Well written with an interesting plot. Ben is a great character and you have captured his essence well. Happy to back with 5 stars. Eunice - The Temple Dancer - and others.

I like what I have read so far. I have added you to my watchlist. Could you look at my novel, "Outcast?"

BENJAMINS'GIFT.
Dear Elizabeth,
This is a nice story you have coming on here. You've obviously thought a lot about what you're going to write about and it shows. You cover a wide array of emotions which you handle well. Some good dialogue and you show you're not afraid to write dialogue which is often the hardest part of a novel. Good
You do have some editing to do - a few missed words here and there. Just take your time, a paragraph at a time. A very good effort and i believe will improve with your writing skills.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Thank you very much for your comment.

Your fantasy is well written and descriptive and you have created an excellent main character in Ben. Your use of imagery is excellent and the pace of your story flows well. I do like what I have read. I have given you a high star rating.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Your fantasy is well written and descriptive and you have created an excellent main character in Ben. Your use of imagery is excellent and the pace of your story flows well. I do like what I have read. I have given you a high star rating.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning