Puramore - The Lute of Pythagoras

Steven,

In the first three chapters of Puramore - The Lute of Pythagoras, you've set up a tantalizing, globetrotting adventure with hints of universal consequences. I like the contrast of the disciplined career military man with the various supernatural aspects of the story. The down-to-earth reality of Smythe's life makes the magical occurrences just as believable. The various colorful settings give this a real cinematic punch.

Overall, the writing is good and clear. I noted just a couple of edits and other things you might want to consider in future revisions.

Prologue

. . . most of whom were many times or more spiritually powerful than himself . . . Delete "or"

. . . the horde reaehed You want "reached"

After Eagle comes into the pavilion and presses something to Imhotep's forehead, the pronouns get unclear and there seems to be some action missing: "After he (who?) ceased convulsing (when did this start?) and reopened his (Imhotep's?) eyes, he (Eagle?) returned the object to the robe."

The prologue is narrated from Imhotep's point of view, but there is no report of his experience when Eagle presses the object to his head. If you're deliberately holding something back to build suspense, OK, but this is a character who regularly travels to the Celestial Realm -- not much fazes him. I kind of want to know what he saw or felt.

Ch 1
He immediately lost consciousness, as his head and forearms crashed into the steering wheel due to the force of the impact. The wordiness and expositional style steal the force from this episode. Try something like this: "His head and forearms crashed into the steering wheel. He immediately lost consciousness."

The effects of the loss of blood and the cold night air made him shiver. Again, too clinical and explanatory. Try a more active approach: "He shivered from the cold and blood loss."

I think "medivac" should be "medevac" -- short for medical evacuation.

Ch 2
Refer to Smythe by name at the outset to make clear the point of view.

Is it really necessary to review his entire career in such detail? If so, maybe some of this can be folded into the scene with Lord Chamberlain. This is an important chapter but not very active, and this static review of Smythe's past slows it to a crawl.

The acronym for the Hong Kong trading firm seems inappropriately humorous for this kind of story. OWCH? Really?

. . . house number posted discretely . . . You want "discreetly"

leather-bound chairs doesn't sound right. Leather-bound usually describes books. Did you mean leather-upholstered?

General brought the white card . . . Insert "Smythe"

Cool idea for a fantasy-thriller! Good luck with it!

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
ENDURANCE
TIME SQUARED

Steven

Your cover drew me in for a look.I take notes as I read, in hopes that you will find something of use when you edit. I think these are the valuable things we can provide one another. My comments don't go over well with people who are here only for praise. Most books on here can use work, mine included. I'll point out the few places I stumbled.


prologue

I read it several times and still didn't fully understand this phrase. ". . .most of several times or more powerful than himself . . .." Eliminating 'of several times or' I think would remedy this. If that changes the meaning then I'm afraid i still don't get the sentence.


1
I like the the idea and the storyline, but parts of it were a bit over written for my tastes. ie- "the man commanded with the roar of a lion that caused Smythe to flinch violently."


"Whilst he could never understand the reason for his interest" The first part of this is odd to me, it seems the second part ""a spirtual attraction to pre-Columbian cultures" Explains the interest.


You might re-read the paragraph of the nurses dialogue that starts "We've never successfully . . ." It's a bit stilted.

Great premise,
Bill

Crits on HAKTAW HEART are always welcomed.

I really appreciate your taking the time to review Puramore. I f I can return the favour, please let me know.

The similarity between The Fifth Element and Puramore perhaps lies in the ancient involvement of alien civilisatons in meddling with mankind's development. The basic premise, however, is vastly different as presented from the fifth chapter onward.

This is a mainly a plot-driven rather than a character-driven science fiction novel. Nevertheless, some reviewers have commented that I've overdeveloped some characters, such as Smythe's, which is seen as dulling the pacing. Though I agree with you that character development is less than a hallmark of the genre in general.

Stretching the borders of reality is the heart and soul of sci-fi. Accordingly, General Sir George Smythe has a special place in social hierarchy; as a result, like James Bond, he walks through life breaking most if not all the rules, including attack helicopter flight over the Pyrenees. That's one of the secrets of his success.

Thanks the best wishes for the novel's success, Briefcentury.

Well written and exciting; this book should hold its readers captive. It seems to owe something to The Fifth Element, and the characters are pretty artificial, but that's perhaps OK for the genre. I have to leave off at the end of Chapter 5 where the story parts with our usual reality in earnest; it's not my genre and I couldn't presume to say anything relevant. Just one thing caught my eye: private attack helicopters operating on the French-Spanish border, where both countries keep a keen lookout for Basque separatists? I doubt it. But I must commend the authentic feeling of the local color in the different chapters. A couple of typos still mar an otherwise good-looking text.

Good luck!

GG

Well written and exciting; this book should hold its readers captive. It seems to owe something to The Fifth Element, and the characters are pretty artificial, but that's perhaps OK for the genre. I have to leave off at the end of Chapter 5 where the story parts with our usual reality in earnest; it's not my genre and I couldn't presume to say anything relevant. Just one thing caught my eye: private attack helicopters operating on the French-Spanish border, where both countries keep a keen lookout for Basque separatists? I doubt it. But I must commend the authentic feeling of the local color in the different chapters. A couple of typos still mar an otherwise good-looking text.

Good luck!

GG

You have clearly researched your genre and I think you write perfectly for it. This is not my usual but you sustained my interest and I am happy to back your work.

I think you could do well with this.

Best of luck

Laura
Beneath The Blossom Tree

The book sounds like an exciting premise. I like the storyline.
I've only managed a couple of chapters, but I can see where you are going.
Charaterization is good and I can easily empathese with the Captain.
Juan seems to be an intriguing character, clouded in mystery.
The first chapter takes place in ancient times and the second is in present day. That held my interest.
I'll have to come back to find answers to all the questions you've put into my head, in only two chapters too!!
I think this could turn out to be a very promising story. It's got plenty of the main ingrediants.
The one little problem I had was that I had to backtrot a few times, as I got confused by your long sentences.
I would suggest shorter sentences, so as simple minded people like me, can understand what you are saying.
All in all, it's a very good read.
Good luck.

SF42

Hi Steven

First I'll tell you the one and only note I took: '...a week far off faded off...' confusing.

The only other thing I noticed is that you seem to skip past important things without explaining them. Like when Eagle put something to his head, you say 'after he finished convulsing' - what? You didn't say he was convulsing in the first place. You don't say what it felt like or what he was thinking while he convulsed.

I think after an edit with how your sentences read in mind, this will be very good. I don't really have a lot else to say - I'd point out that Horus was a falcon, not eagle, but I'm sure you know that, so Eagle is something else. Good luck with this :)

I'd appreciate if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

I have one one word for this book: EPIC!!! I have only read the prologue and I am hooked!! So backing it after I have read it all! Good luck!

D.Barker
The Rohubot Chronicles

I'm sorry to say that the story didn't really engage my interest right away. I'll continue reading at a later time and maybe you'll change my mind. Your very first paragraph was difficult to comprehend because of the sentence structure and some word choices, and many of your verbs lack imagination. Once again, I'll let you know if you change my mind as I read further.

Here come the promised comments after you caught me with your pitch in the PITCH ME thread in the ON WRITING forum.

The theme of your story caught my interest straight away as my second book is in part also set in Egypt.

Yes, I'm going to critic your opening paragraph – so take a deep breath. Why? Because it's the most important and the one which drags your reader in and should inspire them to read on. Yours doesn't show the strength of your writing which is otherwise apparent throughout.

Opening the first sentence with “he could see” tells me what's going on. I want to be in there from the off. To be one hundred percent in the character's pov it's better not to mention the words, he felt, he heard, he saw. Let me live and breath with him. Try it without the “he could see and it'd be much better. Yes, you might have to re-word the sentence, but it'll strengthen the description too and put a reader more in-situ.

Same with “nevertheless he knew”. The sentence would have been perfect starting at “his army of workers”.

Just as a follow on – the repetition of desk wasn't needed. A reader would know they were scattered there.

This is just me being female! Would he have been called a chief engineer in 2700BC?

Loved the part about Astral travel n the prologue. Brilliant. So was the god-speak. Vainglorious? Perfect!

It's not often you see multi-facet stories here, so I was pleased, when fromafter the prologue, chapter one and chapter two jumped to the present times and then into the future. To me it meant there will be plenty to keep my head going throughout the book. I'll be back for another visit when my reading list has lessened in length. Good luck with your book.

I enjoyed reading the first two chapters.

I added the novel to my bookshelf.

Wishing you deserved success.

Happy to back your work! This is quite different than anything I've read on this site. Good luck. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
Sue50

Happy to back your work! This is quite different than anything I've read on this site. Good luck. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
Sue50

Dear Eddie,

Thanks for your support.

Steven

Dear Steven,

I found your novel extremely well written, a facinating storyline. I absolutely loved 6******it. It is still on my watchlist and will be on my bookshelf as soon as I have room.

Eddie
'Island Of Dreams'

Dear Steven,

I found your novel extremely well written, a facinating storyline. I absolutely loved 6******it. It is still on my watchlist and will be on my bookshelf as soon as I have room.

Eddie
'Island Of Dreams'

Read the first three chapters. Very good writing. I'm not really into fantasy, but this story is intriguing. I plan to read on when time permits, but I'll put you on my WL for now.

David Schild

A very intelligent piece of work. Well written and fascinating. Happy to back you. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Hi Steven,

As promised, I took a look at Puramore. I have to state at the outset that I never, ever read fantasy; it's practically a foreign language to me. That said, good writing is good wriitng, and yours is very good idea. I think you'll find a sizeable audience for this, as fantasy, and ancient times, are both very popular genres. I'm giving you a heap of stars for your imagination and the quality of your wriitng.

I hope you will take a look at Animal Cracker. I'm wishing you the best with your work.

Andi
Animal Cracker

Thus far, I am liking the direction of this story. Only a short way into the book and I see excellent writing and creative imagination at work. I will get it on my shelf when I am able. Well done!

Justis Call
Snow Bound

Hi Steven, This is an intriguing blend of political power and spirituality, especially with the ancient Egyptians as a parallel to Smythe and his military position. Aguila's rescue as a spirit guide, along with Smythe's natural desire to keep such an experience private, gives an underpinning to his other international contacts. And the Ancient Order suggests that there might be a connection to all of these. I like archeological stories yet this is working all of that into a present human mission, it seems. And it's very well-woven and smoothly written so that I didn't feel confused. I'm familiar with the Egyptian god names but I wondered about people who weren't in the first section. I guess most people would be familiar with the Mexican names. Looks like a fascinating book and I'm glad to shelve it. Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Swan Bonnet)

I compliment the author on a sophisticated and artistic writing style. The detail and understanding that repeatedly surfaces during the story would not shame any officiarndo of the English language. I hesitated when I read in the pitch that there were shades of Dr Who in there somewhere, because I hold no affection for that style of science fiction. The first chapter created visions of the TV series...Stargate. As I read on my interest waned as the pace slowed somewhat to accomodate further elements of the storyline.

No question regarding the author's competence but the story doesn't hold my interest.

Hi Steven

This is a most unusual book, in a good way. The Prologue sets the scene admirably - all is not what it may seem and time and our place in it, will show whether the lilkes of Blake and Davinci are heretics or saints. Chapter 2 introduces some familiar characters and ideas, though with a new spin. I found myself being drawn in due to the story line, but also the unusual prologue and pitch. I am familiar with the characters, however i don't see this as an obstacle for other readers; it's a strong piece of sci-fi in it's own right.

Whilst Marking Time is more a comedy (with fantasy running through it, perhaps) I would welcome your comments.

Good luck
Crispy

I appreciate your comments, Crispy.

Your engaging writing style definitely sets the tone of the novel in the first chapter. I want to read more and shall...

Added to my WL.

Cheers.

Your story has a good beginning...from once you start the scene with the Pharoh. I find the preface and the poem before the chapter well written and witty, but unneeded. Weed out what isn't absolutely needed to tell your tale, to keep readers interested. As for it's genre, I think this book will be well accepted within it's realm.

Hi Steven

This is a most unusual book, in a good way. The Prologue sets the scene admirably - all is not what it may seem and time and our place in it, will show whether the lilkes of Blake and Davinci are heretics or saints. Chapter 2 introduces some familiar characters and ideas, though with a new spin. I found myself being drawn in due to the story line, but also the unusual prologue and pitch. I am familiar with the characters, however i don't see this as an obstacle for other readers; it's a strong piece of sci-fi in it's own right.

Whilst Marking Time is more a comedy (with fantasy running through it, perhaps) I would welcome your comments.

Good luck
Crispy

Hello, very well done, a most unusual work, which is great, because it is not like the rest of the crowd. I read through the first posted chapter. The opening almost reads like non-fiction, but really pleasingly done. My only criticism would be that the reader does not have an actual character that they can blend with, and no action is happening. However, when you go into your personal story at the end of this chapter, the reader becomes attracted to you. But yay! I like the second posted chapter! Hmm... yes, well done. I read the 2nd chapter also. Your writing is clear and clean, and your work is well done. The font is a little difficult to read? I'm not sure if it's my screen, but maybe a more common font would be nicer. Even when I used the slider to adjust the text size, it was still a little difficult to read.
Thank you for sharing. :)

Thank you.

These days I find myself gravitating towards joyful and good things.
Your book contains advenure and hope.
That's what life should be.

These days I find myself gravitating towards joyful and good things.
Your book contains advenure and hope.
That's what life should be.

Graham,

After reading the first three chapters, I must say that you possess an engaging and artistic writing style--you showed plenty of riveting dialogue and pacing.

I know this is a work-in-progress. It's bound to evolve into a polished piece deserving literary representation with a lot of hard work and attention on your part. You've got what it takes, just roll up your sleeves and get to it.

Your book is on my watch list.

Enjoyed the first two chapters very much. I love science fiction and this didn't disappoint. Have backed and star rated.
If you get the chance have a look at mine. Reading the quality of your work, your comments, positive or other would be greatly appreciated.

Graham Lench
The Eighth Day

Graham,

After reading the first three chapters, I must say that you possess an engaging and artistic writing style--you showed plenty of riveting dialogue and pacing.

I know this is a work-in-progress. It's bound to evolve into a polished piece deserving literary representation with a lot of hard work and attention on your part. You've got what it takes, just roll up your sleeves and get to it.

Your book is on my watch list.

Enjoyed the first two chapters very much. I love science fiction and this didn't disappoint. Have backed and star rated.
If you get the chance have a look at mine. Reading the quality of your work, your comments, positive or other would be greatly appreciated.

Graham Lench
The Eighth Day

Enjoyed the first two chapters very much. I love science fiction and this didn't disappoint. Have backed and star rated.
If you get the chance have a look at mine. Reading the quality of your work, your comments, positive or other would be greatly appreciated.

Graham Lench
The Eighth Day

I was drawn in my the interesting pitch. The story itself didn't disappoint. I hope you have great success with it.
Laurence Howard, The Cross of Goa

Coming from you, Pete, that's about the best review I could ever expect to receive.

The writing style is indeed experimental as you noted. One recent reviewer thinks it's akin to the styule employed by David Mitchell in his book Cloud Atlas. The book received glowing reviews after its release in 2007.

If you'd like to receive a PDF copy of the book, let me know. I'm making one available to all reviewers. All I ask in return is posting reviews to the title's listing on either Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble. If that's too much trouble, heck, I'll send you one anyway.

Well, it looks like you're well on your way to deserved ED recognition and a book deal.

Your book is on my shelf through the end of the month.

All the best...

Steven





QUOTE] Hmmm I think this is a fascinating and strange story. I suspect you've written this book in such a way as to intrigue readers and draw them in. While I did find the 1st few chapters a little confusing, I think you've tried to raise a lot of questions in my mind. The techinque feels clever and deliberate. I almost have to read on and find out what will happen next. ;)

I also think the use of such disparate elements as fantasy, sci fi, spirituality and Aegyptology makes for an unusual and powerful story. I've never read anything quite like this before. And I mean that in a good way. ;)

I'm v happily giving this 6 stars right now. I think it's wonderful you're experimenting with your writing in such a way. I really hope you get this published. :)

best of luck,

Pete

Hmmm I think this is a fascinating and strange story. I suspect you've written this book in such a way as to intrigue readers and draw them in. While I did find the 1st few chapters a little confusing, I think you've tried to raise a lot of questions in my mind. The techinque feels clever and deliberate. I almost have to read on and find out what will happen next. ;)

I also think the use of such disparate elements as fantasy, sci fi, spirituality and Aegyptology makes for an unusual and powerful story. I've never read anything quite like this before. And I mean that in a good way. ;)

I'm v happily giving this 6 stars right now. I think it's wonderful you're experimenting with your writing in such a way. I really hope you get this published. :)

best of luck,

Pete

A well written and most fascinating start to what I feel will be an epic story. I like the unusual structure in the opening chapters, it really makes the reader think, and I feel is most relevant. I like the way in which spiritual occurrences or items are the central anchor of the story. You have a very nice flow to your writing and I found the opening chapters very engaging and intriguing. I loved what I read, very unique!
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

Thanks for your comments, Rachael.

I realise my unconventional approach challenges the reader's attention. You, however, saw right through that which heartens me greatly. I can only hope to reach readers with a similar appreciation for my literary style and message.

I'll review your book forthwith...

A well written and most fascinating start to what I feel will be an epic story. I like the unusual structure in the opening chapters, it really makes the reader think, and I feel is most relevant. I like the way in which spiritual occurrences or items are the central anchor of the story. You have a very nice flow to your writing and I found the opening chapters very engaging and intriguing. I loved what I read, very unique!
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

Dear Steven
I love the overall concept and your writing in general. I'm sure i'll see your work in print one day. But i can see that your book not having a well defined protagonist and a clear central plot from page one might be a difficult sell (if your aim is publication). I agree with one of the other reviews, the first few chapters feel like a collection of short stories. So, i think you have three options. 1) Stick to your guns - to reap rewards you have to take risks 2) Develop a linear story (as has already been suggested) or 3) You have a book of short stories that have clear links. If you haven't read Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell do. He is a genius at doing this.
I hope this helps.
On my watchlist for now.
Good luck
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

Thank you for taking the time to review Puramore as well as referring me to Cloud Atlas as a kindred spirit.

After receiving your comment, I subsequently read reviews of Cloud Atlas issued in 2004 by NY Times, Washington Post, The Guardian and goodreads.com (http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/49628.Cloud_Atlas). Surprisingly, despite the cutting-edge and non-linear approach, the book received the highest marks (A+'s and A's in the main with only one C) across the board of rating service opinion.

Even though Puramore may only approach the high level of literary excellence and originality Mr Mitchell's novel clearly defined, I think I'll opt to "stick to my guns" and hope to reap the rewards. Let's see what happens. I know it's a risk, but one I'm willing to assume (unless HarperCollins UK insists otherwise).

You can actually preview the print edition now available through Blurb Press. The URL is as follows:

http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/2138172

Smashwords ebook previews are available at

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/33421

And thanks for adding Puramore to your WL. St Viper's School for Super Villains is on my book shelf.

Dear Steven
I love the overall concept and your writing in general. I'm sure i'll see your work in print one day. But i can see that your book not having a well defined protagonist and a clear central plot from page one might be a difficult sell (if your aim is publication). I agree with one of the other reviews, the first few chapters feel like a collection of short stories. So, i think you have three options. 1) Stick to your guns - to reap rewards you have to take risks 2) Develop a linear story (as has already been suggested) or 3) You have a book of short stories that have clear links. If you haven't read Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell do. He is a genius at doing this.
I hope this helps.
On my watchlist for now.
Good luck
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

Steven,
Your book is reminiscent of the literary Goliaths of the last century, heavy on flowing prose intricately descriptive and intellectual expositions covering abstract, socially relevant ideas. Enter General Sir George Smythe narrowing everything down to his POV while engaging us on a similar vein. As I followed his adroit handling of challenges crossing his path, I got a sense of his being a man's man, a double-o-seven reincarnated with an iron resolve to set things right in the most bizarre of situations. Thank you for this mentally stimulating read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Kenneth,

I died and went to Author's Heaven after reading your authonomy.com review of
Puramore.

I subsequently reviewed both your bio and first two chapters of The North Korean. Your excellent and compelling story must be told in full soon. Its on my watch list now.

I am keenly interested in Asian history, especially during the 20th century era before and after WWII. My interest primarily stems from stories of the period related to me by former in-laws, both of whom are deceased, who served as Christian missionaries in China for a decade after the war. They somehow managed to flee the country to America with their child in tow soon after Mao Zedong came into power. Unfortunately, they failed journal their experience for posterity's sake.

A more poignant portrayal of pre-Mao China was rendered by Steven Spielberg's film, Empire of the Sun, and The Last Emperor. "Interesting times" doesn't quite adequately express that period of time in Asian history.

I look forward to reading Eddie's complete story.

Steven,
Your book is reminiscent of the literary Goliaths of the last century, heavy on flowing prose intricately descriptive and intellectual expositions covering abstract, socially relevant ideas. Enter General Sir George Smythe narrowing everything down to his POV while engaging us on a similar vein. As I followed his adroit handling of challenges crossing his path, I got a sense of his being a man's man, a double-o-seven reincarnated with an iron resolve to set things right in the most bizarre of situations. Thank you for this mentally stimulating read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi Steven. I’m not much of a fantasy reader but your pitch drew me in.
I like your narration. Good and solid with choice words that blend well together. There is a fair amount of showing and it helps visualize the surroundings. The dialogue is crisp, well adapted to the time periods you cover. The pace is such that there’s interest to turn the pages.
Now, there are a number of chapters (5 that I read so far) unrelated—at least at this point. There is no character to follow through no cursive flow of action. Sounds like a collection of short stories, each with its characters and tensions. From personal experience, I had a similar problem with the beginning in one of my books. Couple different agents told me that while well written I lost their interest by third chapter. They advised I drop it and develop a more linear story; one which would hold reader’s interest. I see the same problem in your book. For whom am I supposed to root? What am I supposed to watch for?
That aside, I really enjoyed your voice I will be backing it ass soon as a spot becomes available on my shelf (tomorrow I guess). Good luck.
Dan

Thank for commenting on Puramore, Euro.

I actually received the same input from a NYC literary agent re linearity not too long ago. The point is well-taken. It does indeed represent a risk to the novel's readability.

The protagonist actually represents a group of five individuals, General Sir Smythe being the leader, whose purpose and role as such follows an ancient Vedic tradition. I know it's difficult for the reader to initially follow the story given there's no real well-defined protagonist from the get-go, although Smythe's encounter with the antagonist define him as one in the first chapter. I know this is a somewhat radical departure from the norm but I'm banking on enticing the reader investing time to complete the first-13 chapters so I can later thoroughly develop the story plot with solid and meaningful characters that add value to the ending.

Well, at least the approach isn't as plodding and ponderous as the first three chapters of Victor Hugo's Les Miserable. I'll tell you that I almost put the novel down for good after he spent one chapter laboriously describing the mired scene at Waterloo without one word of dialogue. I was glad I stuck it out well before I finished reading the book.

Puramore is somewhat akin to an old-fashioned "who done it" novel. I want the reader to be engaged enough to sift through the clues and begin to develop their own theories about what's it all about from philosophical standpoint..

It's my hope that the novel will form the basis for a TV or film series; thus the reason the chapters appear serialized instead of free-flowing. Given the right direction from a publisher, a desired adaptation will be easily performed.

Thanks, again. I'll take a look at your novel in a couple and post my comments accordingly.

This is a well written peice of sci-fi. Its well organised and descriptive enough to allow a good flow to the story without bogging it down. Fair play to ya.

Regards
David Whelan
The Silent Saga

Thanks, David, for taking the time to comment on Puramore.

I read the prologue and first chapter of Silent Sage. Very intriguing and well written so far. It's on my watchlist now.

that looks amazing *speechless* :3

This is a well written peice of sci-fi. Its well organised and descriptive enough to allow a good flow to the story without bogging it down. Fair play to ya.

Regards
David Whelan
The Silent Saga

Hi Steven,

I received your message and I took a look. I have read through to chapter 6 end. I must admit from the outset that I am not a fan of fantasies built around ancient unknown foes, or where people are selected becuase of some `special status' (like Harry Potter) though I know it is an possibly attractive elements of theme these days. The prologue was interesting factually, though I thought a bit long winded and I am still at chapter 6 wondereing of the relevance. The narrative voice is fine, and instils credibility, but once again it seemed a bit drawn out and I think some economy of expression would be helpful.

At this point of the story I am still not sure what is going on and there have been a number of characters introduced and their histories related without me understanding how they fit into the story. I know that there is an element of mystery, of the unknown that will drawn the reader on, as it did me, but it seemed a bit fractured in terms of the storyline.

I noted a few problems (small) related to confusion of point of view and some redundancies in expression. Did you mean `an altitude of forty five degrees' or `an attitude of forty five degrees' in respect of the HST?

Despite the above I believe you have written (so far as I have read) a sound imaginative piece of work, and I believe it will have appeal amongst readers.

I'm going to put you on my watch list, for eventual placement on my shelf (when space allows).

All the best

Brian

A great pitch. Happy to support you. Sorry I didn't have time to read any more. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

It looks like you've been away from authonomy for awhile, no? Almost 100 days between comments. I'm not very active here either. I took a look at your first two chapters - or I should say preface and prologue. I would need to read a little more before coming up with something intelligent to say. So far it held my attention.

Hi Steven. I’m not much of a fantasy reader but your pitch drew me in.
I like your narration. Good and solid with choice words that blend well together. There is a fair amount of showing and it helps visualize the surroundings. The dialogue is crisp, well adapted to the time periods you cover. The pace is such that there’s interest to turn the pages.
Now, there are a number of chapters (5 that I read so far) unrelated—at least at this point. There is no character to follow through no cursive flow of action. Sounds like a collection of short stories, each with its characters and tensions. From personal experience, I had a similar problem with the beginning in one of my books. Couple different agents told me that while well written I lost their interest by third chapter. They advised I drop it and develop a more linear story; one which would hold reader’s interest. I see the same problem in your book. For whom am I supposed to root? What am I supposed to watch for?
That aside, I really enjoyed your voice I will be backing it ass soon as a spot becomes available on my shelf (tomorrow I guess). Good luck.
Dan

Wow, very good! Your writing is intelligent but easy to read. Your descriptions are also wonderful. I rated your book and backed it, you deserve it!

Take a look at Dahlia Ravensarr if you love fantasy!
-Corrina

K.Z.,

Thank you for reading the entire novel. I appreciate your favorouble review comments and backing as a result..

Puramore is my first novel. I'm working on the sequel, The Retopians, which I plan to finish soon.

You are very kind to reward me with your encouraging words.

Nice! Everything about this was captivating for me. The foreword immediately told me this will be the typo of book I would write and/or read. In my experience it is always the science fiction writer who immediately comes up with a story when he hears something happening in the world that has the potential to be reality-as-we-know-it changing. I instantly got the impression that that's what you did here. The result is a very readable book for me, dunno how much polishing you have done but it felt like enough for me to never stumble upon words while reading. I love the name Smythe, and I immediately related to his want to of touring the American archaeological sites, even though I'm not American those temples in the jungle fascinated me from the moment I first saw or heard about them. I think the book starts out great, the pace was right for and stayed right throughout.

Nice! Everything about this was captivating for me. The foreword immediately told me this will be the typo of book I would write and/or read. In my experience it is always the science fiction writer who immediately comes up with a story when he hears something happening in the world that has the potential to be reality-as-we-know-it changing. I instantly got the impression that that's what you did here. The result is a very readable book for me, dunno how much polishing you have done but it felt like enough for me to never stumble upon words while reading. I love the name Smythe, and I immediately related to his want to of touring the American archaeological sites, even though I'm not American those temples in the jungle fascinated me from the moment I first saw or heard about them. I think the book starts out great, the pace was right for and stayed right throughout.

Puramore -
like this a lot and will happily back it. I like the dialogue and characters and your flow of writing.
backed with pleasure
abi