Book Jacket

 

rank  Editors Pick
word count 95318
date submitted 03.05.2008
date updated 08.11.2009
genres: Fiction, Fantasy
classification: moderate
complete

TORBREK and the Dragon Variation

Lexi Revellian

 

Tor is Dragon Master in the rebel army. But why is King Skardroft taking an interest in her? Fantasy with humour, and no darned elves.

 

Family you inherit, friends you choose; studying the records of the legendary Hundred Knights, the King’s cold-blooded agent Corfe unearths a secret about Tor that even she is unaware of, a secret that will change the outcome of the fight for Calambria.

And because of this, Tor faces a conflict of loyalties that lead her into love and adventure.

This is fantasy that non-fantasy readers will enjoy…

 
 

tags

, adventure, alternative middle ages, amusing, battle, battles, complete, dagger, dragon, dragons, entire, fantasy, fiction, first love, friendship, g...

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Xantilor

 

How big is a dragon?  Tor did not know, but she was about to find out.

Her horse stepped through misty drifts of bluebells at the edge of the forest.  As she emerged from dappled shade she saw Kallarven Castle, as big as a walled town, its mellow stone covered in ivy, peaceful in the morning sunshine.  The castle was set on gently rising ground, which would not seem gentle to soldiers fighting their way up it in full armour against enemy arrows.  Swans glided on the moat, and swallows wheeled above its turrets. 

Sprawling across the drawbridge was the dragon.

It was bigger than Tor had thought possible.  She’d guessed it might be two or three times the size of a horse.  She had been wrong.  Its massive body was covered in dull brown scales, tiny on its head and large on its torso, dwindling again towards the tail.  Graduated triangular spines ran along its backbone, and the long coiled tail had double spines at the tip like an arrowhead.  The dragon was curled up, wings folded, and appeared to be asleep. 

Tor told herself that so large a creature would lack manoeuvrability.  With extreme caution she coaxed her horse quietly up to the dragon to have a closer look.  There was no getting away from it, it was enormous.  She should have brought her lance rather than her spear.  Too late now.  Just how far would it be able to shoot flames?  Retreat was not an option; Tor had come to defeat the dragon, and that was what she would do.  She supposed she could attack it while it was sleeping…this might be her best chance, but she could not make up her mind to do something so unfair.

The dragon opened its eyes, regarded Tor, and spoke. 

‘Don’t even think about it.’ 

The sun flashed on Tor’s spear as she levelled it. 

‘You can talk!’

‘An astute observation,’ said the dragon, squinting and turning its head.  ‘Your spear’s reflecting the sunlight right into my eyes.  Do put it away.’

‘I think not.’

‘Then perhaps you could tilt it differently?’

Tor adjusted the angle of her spear, which seemed to satisfy the dragon.  Its large head moved on its snaky neck until it was a few feet from hers.  Her horse tensed and pranced to one side.  The pupils of the dragon’s eyes, black against golden irises, were neither vertical like a cat’s, nor horizontal like a goat’s, but in the shape of a three-pointed star.  They enlarged slightly even as she stared into them.  Tor backed her horse, ready to move fast.

‘My name is Xantilor.  What is yours?’

‘Tor, short for Torbrek,’ said Tor, keeping a wary eye on the dragon.  She tried to establish some ground rules.  ‘Are you going to breathe fire at me?’

‘We can come to that later, if you like.  I’ll give you plenty of warning – follow the usual rules of engagement.  But first, Tor, tell me a little about yourself.  Why have they sent a girl this time?’

‘They didn’t send me, I volunteered.  And how do you know I’m a girl?  Nobody else has guessed.’  

It was disconcerting that he had immediately seen beyond the male attire and armour she was wearing.  Tor had grown used, in the past month, to passing as a man.

‘That is because they are men and see what they expect to see.  These days girls do not ride, or wear armour, or fight; they stay quietly at home doing what they are told.  Men see you, behaving quite differently from every female they have ever known; behaving, in fact, just like a man, and they do not think twice.  I, however, am a dragon, and not so easily deceived,’ Xantilor finished proudly, ‘and I would hazard a guess that your real name is Torbraya.’

He was right, but Tor had never liked the name, and was not going to admit to it; she thought anyway they were straying off the point. 

‘I didn’t come here to talk about the perceptive qualities of dragons.  I’ve come to rescue the Princess.’

‘Why?  She’s really rather a dull girl.  Limited conversation.  And she’ll no doubt want to marry you if you rescue her, it’s usually done I believe, but not advisable in this case.  No, if I were you I wouldn’t bother.  Not worth risking your life for.  None of the others have succeeded, after all.’

‘What did you do to them, talk them to death?’ said Tor rashly. 

The dragon bridled, then subsided.  ‘I’ll ignore that.  I would like you to tell me the story of your life.’

‘Why?’

‘Let us just say there is something about you.  And don’t rush it.  We have plenty of time…’

Xantilor settled himself, his chin resting on his crossed front feet, and looked at her expectantly.  Tor had encountered sheep fiercer than this dragon appeared to be.   She hesitated.

‘So you’re definitely not going to breathe fire at me?’

The dragon closed his eyes briefly.  ‘There is a lot more to dragons than fire.  Forget about it for the moment.  Why don’t you sit down?’

Tor accepted that he would not take advantage of her being off guard.  Not quite believing this was happening, she tethered her horse, got out her bread and cheese and sat on the rough grass in front of him. It was pleasant in the warm spring sunshine, with the buzz of bees and birdsong in the background.  There was a small silence. 

‘Begin at the beginning,’ Xantilor suggested. 

‘Right,’ said Tor.  Maybe duels with dragons always started this way, with an exchange of the combatants’ personal histories, but this information had been lost in the mists of time.  Perhaps it was part of the usual rules of engagement he had referred to.  Still, there was no reason not to tell him her story…

‘I never knew my parents.  My father was killed in battle before I was born.’

‘Was your father a soldier?’

‘No, he was a troubadour – by chance he got caught up in a skirmish against King Skardroft’s men.  Then my mother died having me, so my grandfather came to get me.  He’d fallen out with my father when he married – my mother was from the wrong family or something.’  Tor had asked him for details, of course, more than once; he would look at her under his bushy eyebrows and then get on with whatever he was doing.  He had never spoken much about his past.

‘Was this your grandfather on your father’s side?’

‘Yes.  He arrived when I was a few weeks old and being cared for by a neighbour.’  Tor knew he must have been bitterly disappointed when he discovered the last of his line was a girl.  ‘He brought me up as if I was a boy – taught me to ride, hunt, even to read and write.  But the main thing he taught me was to fight; he started training me as soon as I could hold a sword.  I loved it.  He said when he was dying, that he’d taught me all he knew and I wouldn’t meet many people who could fight better than me.  He was proud of me.’  Tor turned away and ran a hand across her eyes; it was only half a year since his death.

‘What was your grandfather’s name?’

‘Attalor.’

‘Was it indeed?  And where did he come from originally?’  Xantilor’s interest had sharpened.

‘From the North.  Atherly Berrow.’  She looked enquiringly at the dragon, but when he said nothing, Tor continued with her story.  ‘When I came of age on my eighteenth birthday, I went to Yarrow – that’s the nearest town to my village – to see a lawyer about my inheritance.  My grandfather told me to just before he died; it was a surprise to me, because we never had any money.  I dressed as a man for the journey, it seemed safer.  I chopped a bit off my hair.’  She ran her hand through her shaggy mane, that the summer sun would burnish with gold.  ‘It was nearly a day’s journey on foot.’

‘Did you not have a horse?’

‘We used to have one, grandfather scraped together enough to buy a good cavalry horse for me to learn to ride.  But it was old when we got it; it died soon after my grandfather.  I couldn’t afford another one.’

‘What did your inheritance turn out to be?’

‘Not a great deal of use.  There’s a large house and estate, but it’s outside Tarragon and has been taken over by Skardroft for one of his cronies.  No point at all trying to claim it as things stand.  But there was this dagger.  I’ve never seen one like it.’

Tor drew the dagger from her belt and held it out for the dragon to examine.  The black handle was set with sombre jewels in black and purple, with entwined snakes and a miniature skull on the end of the pommel.  An engraved inscription read, TRUTH UNTO DEATH, and the number eighty-eight.  The narrow blade was black.

‘I don’t know what the metal is.  It stays black even when you sharpen it.’ 

The dragon seemed about to say something, then changed his mind, and waited for her to continue.  Tor took a deep breath.  The next bit of her story was awful, and she didn’t want to think about it, let alone describe it.  She was not going to cry any more.  Get it over with.  She spoke in a rush, her voice unsteady.

‘When I got back to the outskirts of Cramble – that’s my village – it was being sacked and burned by Skardroft’s soldiers.  I don’t know why.’

Pictures ran through Tor’s mind; the astonishing, horrifying beauty of whole buildings billowing in flames…and the terror of the villagers with nowhere to run except on to the weapons of the soldiers, who surrounded the village in ranks three deep.  Screams were barely audible above the conflagration’s roar, and the stench of the smoke had stayed in her nostrils and on her clothes for days. There was a silence while Tor won her battle not to burst into tears.  She cut to a more bearable part of the story.

‘I found one of the soldiers’ horses on its own in a barn and stole it to get away.’  Tor looked at the dragon, feeling this needed explaining.  ‘I’d never stolen anything before, I’m not a thief, but with what was going on in the village the normal rules didn’t seem to apply.’  Xantilor nodded, and she went on, ‘I’d just untied it when its owner turned up.  He’d been doing some looting away from the troop; he was carrying a sack full of stuff.  He went for me and I killed him.’

Tor paused while she remembered staring at the dead soldier at her feet in the dim barn, and feeling only triumph.  Any doubt, pity or remorse she might have felt had been wiped out by the numbing shock of seeing Cramble obliterated.

‘I found out afterwards that no one got away.’  Everyone, all the people she had known since she was a child, they were all dead.  Her childhood had ended that night.  ‘I’d heard in Yarrow that a counter-revolution was brewing against Skardroft, planning to put King Urquin back on the throne of Calambria, so I went to join them.  Luckily I ran into a group of them not too far from Cramble.  I’ve been with them for the past week or two, in the cavalry.  Obviously I didn’t say I was a girl.  I’ve still got the horse, as you can see.  He’s called Carrots.’

Xantilor appeared to consider her story.  Tor thought it was his turn.

‘What about you, how did you end up here working for Skardroft?’ 

There was disapproval in her tone, and the dragon sounded slightly defensive as he replied.

‘I may look in my prime, but I’m not as young as I was, so when I was offered this I took it.  It’s a comfortable job, not much to do, pleasant surroundings; paid in gold, and three sheep provided to eat each week.’

‘Don’t you get bored?’ asked Tor. 

She would have hated hanging around in a backwater with nothing happening and only a dull Princess to talk to.  But it did account for his friendly behaviour.  In his situation, she too would seize the opportunity to converse with the occasional stranger, even if the stranger had come with a view to a fight.

‘You have pinpointed the negative aspect of my situation, but we will leave that to one side for now.  I have come to a decision.’ 

Xantilor started to get to his feet.  Tor sprang up – were the preliminaries done with according to the dragon’s idea of a duel?  Did the fighting begin now?  Standing, he loomed over her, blocking out a sizeable expanse of sky.  But he said, more formally than he had spoken so far,

‘I have been indolent for too long, granddaughter of Attalor.  You come as a portent to me.  I have made the decision to join you and offer my services to King Urquin’s army, fighting as did the warrior dragons in the Dragon Battalions of old.’

Tor beamed with surprise and delight.  What would her fellow soldiers in the troop say when she returned with a dragon in tow? 

‘Good decision.  You don’t want to work for a tyrant like Skardroft.  But you won’t tell anyone I’m a girl, will you?’

‘Indeed no.  Dragons are noted for their discretion.  I suppose you will want to bring the Princess with us?’

‘She is what I came for, Xantilor.’

‘Then come with me and I will introduce you.  Her name is Gwenderith.’

They walked side by side over the drawbridge and into the deserted castle, Xantilor’s claws clicking and scratching on stone slabs, and then across a huge empty expanse of grass with groups of trees round the edges.  There was a small tower set in the inner defensive wall, the only inhabited part of the whole place.  Tor knocked on the door and asked if the Princess would come out.  While she was waiting Tor looked around, and was struck by the haunting beauty of her surroundings.  It was so peaceful; just the noise of leaves in the breeze, birds and the distant murmur of the river behind the Castle.  If one was going to be a prisoner, or indeed the dragon guarding the prisoner, one could be in worse places.  A minute later Gwenderith emerged, followed by her maid.

She was a little older than Tor and beautiful.  Her face was a classic oval, her complexion creamy; she had big eyes with long lashes and a lot of black hair elaborately coiled about her head with jewels in it.  The dress she wore was stiff with gold lace and embroidery.  She had a small but ludicrously aggressive lap dog who yapped non-stop at Tor until the Princess picked him up (‘Really, Muffin, behave yourself; what will our visitor think?’)  Her manner was serene and stately as she welcomed Tor and thanked her for negotiating her freedom from the Castle.  She seemed to be on civil terms with Xantilor.  It was difficult to know what she was thinking under her veneer of extreme politeness. 

Tor could not resist asking her whether she had ever tried to escape, because in Tor’s view it would have been easy – presumably dragons had to sleep sometimes – but the Princess seemed mildly surprised as she said calmly,

‘Why, no; I knew someone would come for me in due course.’

 

 

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HarperCollins Wrote

The manuscript here is a fun, solid foundation for an engaging youth adult fantasy.

It’s a well-written story following Tor, an appealing young woman who has been forced by political circumstance to pose as a man in order to join the army and use the master sword craft passed on by her grandfather. The reader meets her shortly after she achieves her aim, and as she faces her first initiation trial – to slay a dragon and rescue a princess.

Only, like Tor, the dragon, Xantilor, doesn’t turn out to be entirely predictable – and so begins a friendship that elevates Tor through the ranks to Dragon master and offers a beleaguering kingdom a chance of survival against a tyrannical neighbour.

It is a very appealing premise, and the sassy heroine and opinionated older dragon offer the reader an entertaining pairing of heroes, but at the moment it doesn’t quite live up to its promise. Primarily, the fantasy world needs more realisation; secondly, we'd feel closer to the characters if their motives were explored in greater depth.

For example, Tor’s own history is fascinating and has been carefully thought out. Skardroft’s destruction of Cramble, her grandfather’s legacy, and the weight of her disguise are all important and establish the wider political situation in the readers mind. But because the depiction of these details seems a little rushed, the picture as a whole is a little hazy. The tyrant’s ambitions could be revealed earlier in the story, as this and its connection to Skardroft’s hate of the Hundred Knights should be the framework into which everyone’s personal motives are woven. The core of the work is in place, but I wonder if there’s quite enough around it.

There are some really great characters and ideas in the story. I’d like more of them – and I’d like to be more afraid of them, too. The downfall of the dragons is certainly intriguing, and Corfe is brimming with wicked possibility. Overall, the manuscript is of good quality with an engaging voice and lightness of touch – but more work is certainly required to strike the right balance between a quickly paced story and a richly built world.

26/09/08

LMJT wrote 726 days ago

Hi Lexi,

Well, this is wonderful. I've only read the first chapter so far, but what fantastic, vivid writing you use. I could really visualise everything you were showing me, and the dialogue is just perfect. The piece feels very polished and professional, and the characters are all very well drawn. Tor clearly has room for development throughout the narrative, and I'm curious to see about how the sassy dragon will be received when she takes him back. The idea of the Princess being painfully dull is hilarious, and a certain American socialtie came to mind when you brought her in! Well, apart from the black hair, anyway.

The humour you are using is excellent. I have to admit that, when I read it was fantasy with humour, I thought it would be more crass and slap-stick. I don't know why I thought that, but you have written a piece that's intelligent and exciting.

In your blurb, you say that this is fantasy for non-fantasy lovers, and I have to agree with you. I haven't read much fantasy (any!) since I was a child, and I think what works here is the fact that, despite the surroundings and dragons, there seems to be an emphasis on the universal matter of relationships.

If I had one observation/criticism to make, it would be that I felt the dragon asking Tor to tell the story of her life was a device for you the writer to tell the readers about your protagonist. However, as I read on and realised that he wants to talk because he's so fed up with the dull princess, I realised there was a reason for his questioning. I know this is a finished book, so not sure how much you are looking to amend anything, but I would re-arrange things so that we know why the dragon is asking before the end of the scene.

Anwyay, thank you for the read. I look forward to more.

ZIYA wrote 726 days ago

Hi Lexi,

My brother recommended your book and I read it with keen interest. As a filmmaker I see every story from the eyes of camera. And my judgment is in just one word:
FANTASTIC.

Lisa Polhill wrote 834 days ago

I didn't want to even try this as I normally avoid fantasy at all costs. However, as I began to read a smile soon spread across my face and I quickly realised that I could easily become hooked. The dialogue is excellent, the knights fascinating, the castle enthralling. I want to read more and will continue with much anticipation.

Burgio wrote 46 days ago

TORBREK
I was browsing through books with gold stars (people say on the forum older books here were better) so I stopped to read Torbrek. I liked this a lot. It begins in an amusing way: the dragon is much less frightening than I anticipated. Then Tor tells the dragon her life story. I’m used to reading screenplays so maybe this thought doesn’t apply but in a movie script, a scene like that (two characters sitting talking) is called a “talking heads” scene – and is something to be avoided at all costs. The movie would probably begin with the bad guys sacking her village (get heads up out of popcorn fast) so I’m wondering if that wouldn’t work better here too. Either way, this is a good fantasy story. It has a magical fun tone to it. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

lizjrnm wrote 157 days ago

I love this - I realize you dont need my support but WOW - no wonder you have kicked ass on this site! BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

Famlavan wrote 164 days ago

I have been doing research to find out what a book needs to attain your level – Think I might give in now!! May I congratulate you on a superb piece of writing. I quite warmed to the dragon and that simple line “Or you.” Was so telling. Mmm, think I feel a rewrite coming on – Hope you have a deal in the pipeline this deserves it.

lizjrnm wrote 170 days ago

I realize you have long since gotten the gold star but I had to comment on thi sstory - you have an incredibl eimagination an da real talent for putting it into words - I hope this has found its way to a publishing house at this point - definitely a book I would buy based on the pitch an dyour vivid descriptive prose and characters are just the right fit! Backing this even though it isn't necessary!

Liz
The Cheech Room

writer_woody wrote 173 days ago

This had me hooked and I like the characters and the dialogue.

Backed.

Andy (Fortitude)

Unbridled wrote 184 days ago

An intriguing read! I loved the originality of the dragon talking like educated nobility, and the princess being dull. Her last line in the first chapter was brilliant. Tor is courageous and sassy in a likable way. Perhaps I might have liked to not know her whole story right from the beginning, but I suspect there is more to be revealed. You are a wonderful writer - your voice is fresh and fun. I will definitely be reading more.
-Lizzie

SE Champenby wrote 193 days ago

Harper Collins left you a comment? What can I say after that? I love this! Anything with a dragon in it has got my vote. (Only what does the star mean? Have you already made it to the editor's desk?) Shelved.

Eric Pullin wrote 200 days ago

Just read chapter one and some of the comments - especially H.C's. If the little I have read is anyting to go by I will thoroughly enjoy my journey through this work. I love having pictures painted in my mind by the words that I read - your writing has the quality to do just that. It is no surprise that this work has achieved such heights on this site - the only surprise will be if it does not go on from here and achieve even greater things. I anticipate experiencing much pleasure as I continue through this book. I will comment as I go. Best wishes with this and your other works Eric.

Jedward wrote 217 days ago

Marvelously charming! You deserve your star! Shelved, Jedward (Knut)

Jedward wrote 217 days ago

Marvelously charming! You deserve your star! Shelved, Jedward (Knut)

marywood18 wrote 225 days ago

Very entertaining. I liked the humour and loved the dragon. I didn't think I was a dragonny person, well, an admirer, I mean, I may emulate the human version I'm not sure! This flowed really well. I did notice a few passive sentences and quite a few adverbs. But, I would class this as a literary work and as that entails beautiful descriptions, which you are a master of, then these two, usually, no go's, are acceptable. The work you have put into crafting your writing shows, your point of view is precise and well chosen for your first chapter. I'm only sorry I haven't time to read more. The pace is just right. I am an advocate, though of letting characters tell the information we need in the dialogue, you don't do this, but it doesn't detract from your work, it adds to the humour. I think this one should make it on to the shelves, bookshop shelves, that is. A good first chapter always spells a winner, because it is the hardest one to get right. good luck with placing this, best wishes, Mary.

J&M JENSEN wrote 237 days ago

I know you don't need my backing now you ahve the covetted gold star, but I am backing because I found this humerous and pleasing and wanted to show support.

M&J
GRAEMOR

Aevanyll wrote 251 days ago

This is a pretty good book for a light read. It could have a bit more depth like Heart of Rock, but is decent nonetheless. The beginning is hilarious and quite enchanting. It doesnt seem to have the same feel as the rest of the book, though. Probably because it gets more serious, but perhaps you could add a few similar scenes in later on, just for a bit of continuity.
I was ecstatic when it was ascertained that Linet's activities were, in fact, selfish. They were, and she turned out to be an utterly inadmirable character.

But I do like it, as I said.

eamonn walls wrote 257 days ago

I find that when I read the Harper Collins reviews they are almost invariably too soft on the criticism, but in this case I agree totally with their comments. This chap reminded me a bit of Patrick Rothfuss mixed with Chris Paolini. It is good at a foundational level: the ideas are there, it's just a case of making this world and these characters more real. Still happy to back this one :)

Alpha Tango wrote 261 days ago

Wonderful book. I personally think that Harper Collins might be a tad overboard, but that's me. If it hadn't been already selected, I would have read it first. It makes a great lead into Zander.

Craig Bassett wrote 263 days ago

Hi Lexi,

I enjoyed reading your novel. You have a gift for drawing the reader into the story, the feel of it and the simple things that we all find embracing, like the warmth of the sunshine on our bodies. I believe you will do very well with your dragon tale. I put you on my book shelf.
Regards,
Craig (painted lives)

ScoRho wrote 269 days ago

This is a fun read. It's well written and the first two chapters exhibit a professional style where the story is more important than the writer. I only wish I had found this long ago, when I could have helped its climb to the top.

RWGOOD wrote 340 days ago

Sorry it took so long but i always try to read the whole story. I figure if you write a whole story then the person commenting should read the whole story. Just had a tonne of watch lists i had to wade through.
Excellent story Lexi and yes, i can see why it would appeal to non fantasy readers as well. You do an excellent job creating your world and characters. A few 'typo's' that are too few to mention and it seems that no matter how many edits are done, they're always a couple more in hiding. The beginning grabbed me and kept me moving to the well timed climax.
Very well done and backed.
Richard
quick post script. the comments from HC are accurate except one thing. they didnt pick it up which they should. i've read some of HC's published stories and they pretty much come up crappy next to this puppy.

JohnRL1029 wrote 412 days ago

HA! This is genius. I love the talking dragon. What I love most about this story is the fact that you avoid the conventional and do something completely unexpected. The warrior prepares for battle against the dragon, and I'm thinking: "Oh well...here's going to be a typical fighting scene..." but then the dragon talks! The warrior turns out to be a girl. The dragon and the girl talk about their personal lives and their duties. The dragon switches sides...for good or bad...I don't know yet. Very clever. Reminds me a bit of Douglas Adams humor.

If Harper Collins knew what was best, they'd pick this puppy up. They seemed to love it, just thought it needed a bit more editorial work, but what book doesn't?

This is great writing.

Ian Kingsley wrote 489 days ago

Beautiful writing, as always, Lexi. I loved the observations about the dragon's eyes, comparing them to the slits of a cat or goat eye. Tremendously visual, as are all your descriptions. And humorous too. How do you find the time to write all this and inhabit the forums? Is it because no one is buying silver these days? Ian Kingsley
;-)

shayzzee wrote 507 days ago

I loved this from the first two sentences. I’ve always been a big fan of fantasy and love the style of your writing! I love the dialogue between Tor and the dragon, and that the dragon sees through her disguise, and that they become ‘allies’.

It’s been on my WL for awhile ... but it was worth the wait and will be going on my bookshelf for a spell. :)
Cheers!
Cheryl

Julia Weston wrote 529 days ago

I know you've already recieve the HC critique, but I still want to tell you how much I enjoyed chapter one. The exchange between Tor and the dragon made me smile. I'll be back for more; still trying to figure out the site. Thanks,
Julia

JayG wrote 557 days ago

Well, I suspect that you’re going to hate me, but...

The review from HC called this a YA story, but you don’t mention that in your blurb, so I’m looking at this as a novel that “non fantasy readers will enjoy.”

First, reaction as I read it, taking the role of an editor doing a cold read:

• How big is a dragon?

This is you, standing center-stage and talking to your audience. But had you said, “Tor stopped at the tree line, hesitating before moving into the clearing, studying the dragon.” It would have been Tor on stage, doing something anyone reasonable would do in that situation. In effect, you just said, “Once upon a time.”

• Her horse stepped through misty drifts of bluebells at the edge of the forest.

Very poetic, but here we hit a primary problem. People are doing things because that’s what you see happening in your head. And what you’re seeing is a Disney cartoon. I’ve been in many forests and stepped into many clearings. None had flower-beds at the edges—or anywhere. In nature a clearing occurs either because of an area recovering from a fire or because there are grazing animals keeping the grass—and the trees that would grow up through it and shade the grass into becoming forest floor—trimmed. But in this Tor doesn’t urge the animal into the clearing. She’s not on a trail. The animal simply steps into the clearing from... Dunno. So we have no context.

• As she emerged from dappled shade she saw Kallarven Castle, as big as a walled town,

An important point. As presented she’s not seeing the castle, she HAS seen it. I don’t mean that you’re telling the story in past tense, I mean you’re telling me that in her “now,” it’s already happened, and she’s both noticed it and recognized what it is. Therefore she has no reaction that we, as readers experience. Is it her destination? Dunno. Is she glad? Afraid? Apprehensive? Dunno. Is she looking for the dragon or a night’s rest? Dunno, because the moment in which she would react is-already-past. See the problem with you, as yourself reporting this? It’s history, not story, and there’s no discovery, no uncertainty, just a series of reported events. Boring, in other words. Sorry, but it’s inherent in the passive method of telling a story that virtually all untrained writers use.

• Sprawling across the drawbridge was the dragon.

So here it is, the “Oh shit,” moment, when we learn by her reaction, why she’s there, what she hopes for, and if she’s frightened or looking forward to combat. We should be with her when she thinks of possible plans of attack, and asks herself why she doesn’t just turn around and come back with an army. Wouldn’t you? I know the script says she’s got to face the dragon, but were you her, would you not review your options? I sure would. But of more importance a reader will, and that’s what they will be asking, so you absolutely must have Tor react in a way that answers their questions and concerns, or they will be the one to turn around and leave.

• She should have brought her lance rather than her spear.

You need to do your research. No one on horseback carries a spear, because on a horse they call a spear a lance. And no one on horseback would throw a spear because once you do you’re disarmed. Miss and you’re dead because the enemy will be still carrying theirs, and her training is to fight others on horseback, not dragons.

• You can talk!

Excuse me? In a society in which dragons are a known threat, through all of time, the people who might encounter them are not aware of something major, like having the intelligence that goes with speech? This is absolutely unbelievable, and renders Tor a moron. Sorry, but she certainly seems so because she doesn’t think, she doesn’t react, she just “does,” because the script she’s carrying tells her to.

• The sun flashed on Tor’s spear as she levelled it.

Spelling! You didn’t spell check this before posting it?

Okay, lots of problems. Spear points are not chromed. And: who’s seeing the sun flashing on it? You have the dragon complaining, so are we in the dragon’s point of view? You’re not there to observe, and you’re certainly not standing with the dragon. This matters, because there is no reason to mention this, since the dragon will, in a moment. But that also makes no sense because the dragon has a “snaky” neck, which means it has only to lift or lower its head by a foot to get rid of the reflection. And that means the following sequence is you, being self-consciously cute.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Okay, I’ve beat you about the head and shoulders more than enough. So here’s the problem. Tor doesn’t exist. The dragon doesn’t exist. Only you do, because you’re providing no more and no less than you, telling the story as you would at a campfire. Every word comes from you and is about the story. Each sentence is declarative, and is fact based. Read it one sentence at a time, without applying emotion unless it's inherent to the wording, and you’ll see it. In nothing thus far has there been any trace of emotion, just description that comes from an external observer. So as a reader I’ve made no decisions, and know the character as a person not at all. Given that, how much empathy can I have for her? Why should I worry if she’s in trouble when she doesn’t seem to care? Why is the dragon at the castle? Dunno. How old is she? Dunno. Is she armored? Trained? Dunno. Is it morning? Afternoon? Hot? Windy? Dunno. What does the dragon smell like? Dunno. You say retreat is not an option, but anyone seeing a force far more dangerous than anticipated would be fairly stupid to say, “Oh well, I’m going to die if I go on, but I’d planned on going on so I guess I have to.” Yet she does. Is there a reason? Dunno. See the problem?

Now, as you read this to an audience, your voice is full of emotion. You use inflection, hesitation, modulation, and the other tricks of the storyteller to bring the story to life. Your expression, tone, and body-language tell much of the emotional portion of the story—the things I complained about being missing. And that’s good. What odds would you give, though, that if a stranger took your place at the podium, they’d read it as you would, using the same body-language and vocal tricks?

You’d better be saying the odds are really good because that’s-the-job-you’ve-assigned-ME. Who’s playing your role tonight? Me. I have guess at everything because you’ve included no stage directions, no information on the character’s mannerisms and vocal quirks.

I assume you see the problem. And here’s the solution: the techniques of the working fiction writer are designed to resolve that problem. Instead of telling, you present the physical fact being reacted to, be it the sight of the dragon, a scent, or a bird dropping on the forehead. You do that so the character and the reader sense it at the same time. That limits you to presenting only what has the character’s attention, but that makes our world their world.

The reader, observing what the character is about to notice—before they do—is now free to speculate on both what the character will do and what they would do in their place. Immediately, you have the uncertainty that’s missing from your telling. Something needs to be done, but what? Will the character make the wrong decision? And now we’re doing what we came here to do, worrying.

Next, the character reacts to what they just noticed, and does it according to their personality and the situation, not your script. This matters. And one reason it matters is that in sensing and reacting, the scene clock just ticked forward.

Eventually the character acts on that motivation, and in acting, determines what will next catch their attention next, beginning the cycle anew and ticking the scene clock anew. And in that there was no place for the author to feed in interesting tidbits because the character cannot see you, hear you or react to you. We learn through observation and reaction and thought, not explanation. And in observing we experience.

Okay, the short version: You know office-writing. You learned it in school. It’s for non-fiction. Instead, you need the techniques of the selling writer, which just happens to be the title of the best book on writing I’ve found. Dwight Swain was a highly popular writer of adventure and sci-fi, and while it’s far from an easy book, being a college level text, it is a book that will have you saying, “Oh my God, why didn’t I think of that myself,” at least once every other page. It took me several weeks to get through it because after two pages I needed two days to think about what he’d said, and how it related to my writing. I needed another day or two to edit everything I’d written to reflect the new idea. And then I went back, opened the book, and repeated that. At one point I literally hated the idea of opening the book because I realized that I was going to read two pages and then have to edit... again. You’ll find Techniques of the Selling Writer on Amazon.

If you’re not ready for that kind of intensity, and want to kind of sneak up on it, Debra Dixon, one of Swain’s students, wrote a book of her own that covers much the same ground with a warmer read, though with less detail. That can be found here: http://www.debradixon.com/gmc.html

Sorry for the pain. Hope this has some value.





Faltarego wrote 559 days ago

I've only read two chapters of this so far, but I'm enjoying it immensely. I think Xantilor is a wonderful character, very wry and world-weary, but still up for some verbal sparring. Looking forward to the rest, and I hope you do well with this.

Lynn Hardy wrote 571 days ago

I must say, your opening paragraph is eloquently written. Several things I love about this first chapter:

You informed us that the character was female, but quickly let us know how big a secret it was instead of surprising us with the fact that the knight was a girl.

I see great potential for comedy with the princess.

A subtle hint that her grandfather was known to dragonkind is masterfully done.

Only one minor suggestion: With such vivid descriptions, what does the dragons voise sound like?

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 572 days ago

0h I like this very much, the perfect blend of fantasy and humour. I suspect that dragons and publishers will be conquered with equal panache.
Patrick Barrett (Shakespeare's Cuthbert)

samoana75 wrote 575 days ago

great book! Can't wait for the sequel!!

RC.Magnus wrote 579 days ago

Hi Lexi,

I am very much agree with HarperCollins thoughts on this engaging fantasy. I found it very vivid and yet there is something missing. Not sure what is missing but all I know is that you pitched it well, to me. It intrigue me and I wanted to read it but never had a chance until now and by all these comments had me thinking, wow.

One thing I know is that being critiqued by HarperCollins is a bonus and it is something we all like to happen, congratulations.

I think you'll like mine own, A Ducelord Saga: The Mage King.

Cheers,
RC.

Peter Kelley wrote 581 days ago

A fun first chapter. I appreciate your use of humor. Too many stories in this genre are so self reverential they beg to be put down. I'll be interested to see if you tell us more about the dragon. He seems like an interesting character.

PaulWeightman wrote 586 days ago

Hi Lexi, well i thought i would add my views to those others who have read your novel. i really enjoyed this. i guess everyone is a critic in their own way on most things, but as i like this genre. i really would like to see a sequel to this. top marks Lexi.

RyanT71 wrote 621 days ago

Hi Lexi, I am new to the website and this is one of the firsr books that I have looked at. I have just read the first chapter and have been so captivated by your beautiful prose that I have placed it onto my bookshelf so that I can compete the whole book.

It appears that you have set an very high standard for other authors to aspire to. I look forward to reading more and will complete a more detailed submission once I have read the whole book.

What I have read so far is wonderful.

Gordon Long wrote 626 days ago

Dear Lexi,

I really enjoyed your story. Congratulations on your success in the hurly-burly of Authonomy.

I suggest you rework the ending of the story. If you have to actually call a chapter "Tying up Loose Ends", then it's really a tack-on. Then you have one more after that. The end of Ch 32 is a good ending by itself, better than the end of Ch 34, but it comes in the wrong place, because of all those loose ends. The last bit about Corfe would make a good epilogue.

Obviously there's a sequel. Looking forward to it!

Nadia Williams wrote 653 days ago

Well, if that's your first effort, I think you have a lot of potential. (c:

Nadia Williams wrote 654 days ago

Hi, Lexi.

I agree fully with HarperCollins' comments. It's good, but it still needs work. In the last few paragraphs of the first chapter you seem to rush through things. A delightful plot, however, which I think has much potential.

Lucie Roberts wrote 661 days ago

Hi Lexi. Thanks for your comments on MB. Secretly agree with you about Ostraka--she is a bit OTT! Point taken about "like" but I'll leave the stutter, I think. Would like to return the favour, but see that you have uploaded 3 books--any tips on which one to go for first? Thanks again and gratz about Torbrek.

Silven wrote 661 days ago

Excellent reading, I look forward to continuing
Enzo

Silven wrote 662 days ago

Lexi,
you have a great wonderful engaging story here, and I think that a story that is so engaging in the first chapter bodes well for the remainder.
cheers

Silven wrote 668 days ago

I am adding this to my watchlist. Torbreck is the name of the first high-rise apartment block built in Brisbane, Australia ages ago, how about that? And your pen name, such a great High Fantasy author name.
Cheers

2004carlt wrote 670 days ago

This isn't the funny one but thought you might like it.......

http://www.authonomy.com/Forum/Posts.aspx?forumId=9&threadId=5425&pageNumber=1

Pierre Van Rooyen wrote 670 days ago

Dear Jane Austen,

Can't write as well as Jane Austen? Lexi, you write beautifully. Please forgive me for only reading the first chapter, but I can't keep up with Authonomy and also have time to write. I realise now that Torbek made it past the editors desk. What were her comments like? Useable or wishy-washy? My own opinion of editors is firstly that they cannot write; and secondly that they only know what they don't like.

They are notorious for rejecting marketable books. A prize winning debut novel was resubmitted under a different title and author's name and was rejected by ten agents. Never mind Harry Potter being told to go and jump by both agencies and publishers.

I believe in big ideas and handling them boldly. So have backed Torbeck. See you in a moment re Trav.

Regards, Pierre.

Jeff Blackmer wrote 675 days ago

Complete manuscript, middle ages, adventure, fantasy, AND no elves?! To the watchlist it goes!

Cas P wrote 675 days ago

As a big fantasy fan and also a collector and enthusiast of all things dragonish, I came to Tobrek with high hopes. But while I found this to be very well written, I have to admit to being a touch disappointed. I found it stretched my credulity a bit too far that someone who had come to kill the dragon should so quickly sit down to have a nice cosy chat with it. Tor's willingness to immediately launch into her family history was a bit too convenient, as if it was there as a vehicle for giving background information. I would like to have seen more action before getting to this stage, perhaps Tor could have fought the dragon and come to a stalemate, and then been talked out of killing it by the revelation that it knew her grandfather. Perhaps my impressions were influenced by my conviction that no-one does dragons like Anne Mc Caffrey, but that is why I wanted to read Tobrek, in the hopes that one day I will find someone who can do the same! Anyway, I will persevere with more chapters in the hope that the story becomes deeper and more involved. Good luck with it, and I would certainly appreciate any thoughts you may have on 'King's Envoy', which is a completely different kind of fantasy.

Anne Wright wrote 676 days ago

PS I've had a quick peek and, despite my usual resistance (although I do like Harry Potter!) I think I'm going to enjoy this. Will keep you informed!! Anne

Anne Wright wrote 676 days ago

Hello Lexi Have added Torbrek to my watchlist and, although it is not the kind of literature I go for in a big way, will delve into it and get back to you. Regards, Anne

Pierre Van Rooyen wrote 678 days ago

Dear Lexi, Likewise. Have put Torbek on my watchlist. Does the yellow star mean you've been through the gate (the top five) before? Nice work if you have. Regards, Pierre.

yaasehshalom wrote 679 days ago

Gotcha. :)

yaasehshalom wrote 679 days ago

Hi there mate - thanks for your comments on Damaged. I'm glad you liked it - sorry you found it depressing but that was kind of the intention when I wrote it, lol. I guess if people find it depressing then it's doing its job ;)

Yep - Tally is meant to be a girl :)

I've been meaning to read Torbreck but I have so many books I have got to read, I dont know what to do. Once again thanks very much for your comments - I really appreciate it :)

Tami Su wrote 682 days ago

Lexi,
Thank you for taking the time to read my manuscript and for giving me some very helpful, usefut advice that I plan to work on soon. I really appreciate your help.

I have put your book on my watchlist and will get to is asap. I don't know if I can give you the good advice that you gave me, since it looks like your manuscript has done very well. Good luck!

Tami Su

C V Fryars wrote 685 days ago

Lexi,

Started last night and have read the first three chapters in between vying with you on the forum.

I must admit that as I began to read I thought that this was not for me - dragons, princesses, etc. But I stuck with it and it began to grow on me.

I like the gentle narrative style, which just flows along easily, and with that touch of humour underpinning it. Tor is beginning to be an engaging character and the banter between her anfd Xantilor is good.

I also think the dialogue trips along nicely.

I did think, though, that while the characters' names gelled with each other, there was a mismatch in the place names, eg ; Tarragon, Calambria (shades of Spain); Atherly Barron, Cramble (England); Yarrow (a village in Scotland); Katlarven (Scandinavian?).

Oh, and yes, wasn't the reference to men at the beginning sexist? Only kidding!!

Looked at your commensts on my book again. Yes, you were strict and I was probably too traumatised to take it in first time. ButI I forgive you because you said some really positive things in the comment and in the forum.

I hope you read more and enjoy the humour. But, PLEASE don't read Chapter 7 or you'll be back at me with a vengeance. To counter that I've a space on my bookshelf and will put you on it, so you might be gentle with me the next time.

Will get back to the book later. Going to spend the weekend on shameless plugging to drum up some readers. Hope the women bookshelf me before their cursors go into meltdown when they encounter Stevie's underpants. You know, i've written underpants more in past two days than in the whole of my life before.

Have a nice weekend.

Chas

Stella Sandberg wrote 685 days ago

Hi! I haven't read the book yet, I'd just like to point out that Tor is a common Scandinavian man's name, after the male Old Norse god of thunder. There are women's names starting with Tor-, such as Torgerd, Torlög, Torborg but they wouldn't have "Tor" as their short form, possibly "Tora". Of course, this is fantasy, but I just noticed this in your pitch and wanted to let you know Scandinavian people might find it weird! :)

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