CATNIP

You write with confidence and flair. This is a great set-up with skilled execution. Excellent. You say that this is being published, maybe it has already been published, not sure. Anyway, I think we'd arranged a reading swap, so here are my opinions for what they are worth. Feel free to ignore them completely!

Here's the nitty gritty:
I like the title and the short pitch. Long pitch works better with just the first two paragraphs. The third repeats bits of the first two and then gives too much away, sounds more like a synopsis, not a tease.

Love the Pope quote!

Your assured use of language reinforces the humour of the story, the narrative voice is robust and assured. It works well with the character and POV of Amanda Dunbar.

Don’t like the first paragraph so much. Too much waffle! The first line is a bit contrived. What about starting a little further down with, “Christopher Mallory had met Amanda Dunbar only once.” It’s is snappy start, intriguing and makes me want to read on. Who are these people? Why did they meet only once and why is that important to the story – great – you’ve got me hooked! The paragraph that leads on from here is excellent – this would be a much snappier start and we are thrown into the story straight away.

Love the wording of will – brought a smile to my face. Some gems in here, “chronic irritability of my daughter-in-law” and “infuriating ineptitude of my son”.

You draw characters very well, in a few concise and amusing sentences. Love the sentence, “Alice Mayhew Dunbar...assurance of the flagship of the fleet...” etc etc wonderful writing. “Air of patient melancholy” is great, as is, “melted gracefully into a chair”.

Good ear for dialogue. It flows and you are getting backstory in without me realising (sneaky!)

Love the name of the cat!

There’s quite a lot of backstory/description in Chp2, you get away with it, because your writing is impeccable, but perhaps it could be thinned out or broken up a touch more? First 12 paragraphs are mainly descriptive, with one short break. The pace really drops off here and my eyes are starting to scan.

Chp3 is back again on top form. Wonderful writing, full of pace and pizzazz.
Very well done, an immensely enjoyable read from a highly skilled and capable writer.
6 stars from me.
Sharda.

Can I just say one thing? I LOVE the way you write. The first chapter is so uniquely written it really captured me! Your descriptions are so vivid, it makes it so easy to visualize the surroundings and the characters. There's humor here which I really like and you did it with taste which is really hard for some writers (including me!) You might just be the perfect writer. Six stars!

I absolutely loved your first chapter though it seems that your book has more the makings of a fabulous movie than a novel (I mean that in a good way). Your descriptions were so vivid that I could picture everything. This sounds like a really fun read. It is written with humor and wit. Have you tried to query this book yet? I can't imagine why an agent hasn't already snatched it up. Highly starred and placed on a waiting list for my shelf.

All the best,

Rena (Bunderful) - Master of the Miracles

Valerie,
What a premise to work with, to have a cat inherit a considerable estate to the chagrin of the woman whose husband should have been the heir and the amusement of the daughter who would inherit all once the cat passes away from natural causes. It is both mindboggling and comedic the way the late Mrs. Dunbar has her final say over the lives of those she's left behind, and you pull it off with wonderful finesse. You wordcraft is in clear evidence with concise descriptives and clever dialogue. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

I can't remember if I've commented on this before but I was skimming through and it really charmed me. Great descriptions, really likable and interesting characters, this just has something for everyone to love. It's such a lovely story and you do a nice job of building the mystery. I get the feeling you keep the reader on their toes and that is what I expect in a mystery. I'll absolutely shelve this when I can!

Missy

This is great fun and finely written. I think the premise is funny and the style works well. Best of luck with this!
Tod
http://www.authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

You write with confidence and flair. This is a great set-up with skilled execution. Excellent. You say that this is being published, maybe it has already been published, not sure. Anyway, I think we'd arranged a reading swap, so here are my opinions for what they are worth. Feel free to ignore them completely!

Here's the nitty gritty:
I like the title and the short pitch. Long pitch works better with just the first two paragraphs. The third repeats bits of the first two and then gives too much away, sounds more like a synopsis, not a tease.

Love the Pope quote!

Your assured use of language reinforces the humour of the story, the narrative voice is robust and assured. It works well with the character and POV of Amanda Dunbar.

Don’t like the first paragraph so much. Too much waffle! The first line is a bit contrived. What about starting a little further down with, “Christopher Mallory had met Amanda Dunbar only once.” It’s is snappy start, intriguing and makes me want to read on. Who are these people? Why did they meet only once and why is that important to the story – great – you’ve got me hooked! The paragraph that leads on from here is excellent – this would be a much snappier start and we are thrown into the story straight away.

Love the wording of will – brought a smile to my face. Some gems in here, “chronic irritability of my daughter-in-law” and “infuriating ineptitude of my son”.

You draw characters very well, in a few concise and amusing sentences. Love the sentence, “Alice Mayhew Dunbar...assurance of the flagship of the fleet...” etc etc wonderful writing. “Air of patient melancholy” is great, as is, “melted gracefully into a chair”.

Good ear for dialogue. It flows and you are getting backstory in without me realising (sneaky!)

Love the name of the cat!

There’s quite a lot of backstory/description in Chp2, you get away with it, because your writing is impeccable, but perhaps it could be thinned out or broken up a touch more? First 12 paragraphs are mainly descriptive, with one short break. The pace really drops off here and my eyes are starting to scan.

Chp3 is back again on top form. Wonderful writing, full of pace and pizzazz.
Very well done, an immensely enjoyable read from a highly skilled and capable writer.
6 stars from me.
Sharda.

I really liked your book after 3 chapters. Hopefully I get some time to come back and read more. I think it would be a great comedy to see in theatres as well. I'll back this with 5 stars. Come check out my website if you feel like trying the next level.

-William
Bookkus Publishing
www.bookkus.com

This is a really impressive book. The cat being left everything is always funny to read about. It's families worst nightmares.Hope this makes editors desk, it really deserves to get there. best of luck

Hi Valerie,

I've been reading this book for a while now and I finally got a chance to leave feedback. I've read the first five chapters. This is really good. Of course if you read my profile, you'll see that I'm a cat lover (have three of them). I love your writing style--great descriptions that make me feel like I'm watching a movie. I couldn't find a thing wrong with the book. I'll be back to read all of the chapters you have posted. Can't wait to see what happens next.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Great! This book definitely will have an audience. I work in a library and a large group of readers are always looking for a mystery.

I kind of like the playful way you start the book - but there is something that doesn't make sense. If it wasn't a dark and stormy night, then why SHOULD the book start out that way? Wouldn't it make more sense to put something like "It wasn't a dark and stormy night, but the will nevertheless was read..." or "It should have been a dark and stormy night..." Anyway, that's a nit, but I wanted to say it because I think it's a clever beginning that's slightly ruined. It is engaging right from the start, though - an easy to read, flowing style, and although you start with backstory the style draws us in. I would say more but Authonomy is playing up and won't let me read the following chapters!

I kind of like the playful way you start the book - but there is something that doesn't make sense. If it wasn't a dark and stormy night, then why SHOULD the book start out that way? Wouldn't it make more sense to put something like "It wasn't a dark and stormy night, but the will nevertheless was read..." or "It should have been a dark and stormy night..." Anyway, that's a nit, but I wanted to say it because I think it's a clever beginning that's slightly ruined. It is engaging right from the start, though - an easy to read, flowing style, and although you start with backstory the style draws us in. I would say more but Authonomy is playing up and won't let me read the following chapters!

Excellent! Clear, precise and interesting. WL'd

Hi Valerie, I have just read the first seven chapters of 'Catnip' and really enjoyed them. You draw your characters so well that the reader feels as if they have known them for some time, ( if indeed we do know them - I suspect that a lot more is to be revealed!) Your descriptions are beautifully vivid, and the plot, though by no means original is handled with such homour that it draws the reader in. In my opinion one of the finest elements is the 'character' of Marmalade, who appears to be far more than mere feline. I have my theories about this and cannot wait to read more to see if I am anywhere near the truth. I wish you the best of luck with it and am putting it on my watchlist and shelf when there is room. Perhaps you would do me the favour of reading my book 'Sanctuary'. any and all comments etc are welcome. Thank you Tina Cox - x

A lovely writing at work. Such beautiful and amazing. The will is well written and makes one want to open a page after another. Marmalade is one lucky girl. Star rated.
Josphine
Notime goes bye

A lovely writing at work. Such beautiful and amazing. The will is well written and makes one want to open a page after another. Marmalade is one lucky girl. Star rated.
Josphine
Notime goes bye

Hi Valerie, I've had this on my watchlist for some time. The ginger cat caught my eye - I have always had ginger cats for years now and there have been times when I've contemplated leaving it all to my cat! . I've read the first three chapters and really enjoyed it. It's a very entertaining read. The story has so much potential that I can't wait to have time to read more. For the moment though, I just wanted to say that it's well written, great characterisation, excellent description and I hope it does well for you. Highly starred and will go on my shelf very soon.

All the best
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

Hi Valerie, So sorry but it won't let me copy/paste onto your comments section so I'll have to leave it here. Hope that's ok...

Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[10] Speed- fluid flow
[09] Enjoyment – great style to the writing
[09] inherently dramatic situation handled well.

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[07] too many capitals in brackets
[07] 3 dots good, 4 dots bad…
[10] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[09] Coherent / Order
[10] Character/Subject Development

Marketing
[10] Cover Design
[09] Pitch – juicy.
TOTAL
[90/100]

Comments: Congratulations on getting this published. It has a solid feel to it, assured writing. I’ll say my piece anyway but it feels a wee bit redundant now, however, the characterisation is a little overplayed I think but purposely so I think. I was unsure of Alicia’s age and during the description of her immaculate visage wondered if we were heading in to slightly uncomfortable Humbert Humbert territory.
Once again, Congratulations.
John
Star rating 5

Thank you, John. It let me copy/paste from my messages.

Reminds me of PD James. The writing is excellent and the story just right.
No crits.
An excellent story and a great hook in the first chapter.
Well done,
Shelved.

Truly charming story, and beautifully written!

Best of luck with it,

Carolyn Brown Heinz - Mage at Midnight

Truly charming story, and beautifully written!

Best of luck with it,

Carolyn Brown Heinz - Mage at Midnight

I read the first three chapters.

General comments: A captivating start. A fascinating ensemble of unique characters. Clever wit. Vivid, evocative narrative. Well-managed tension. Smooth pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... I bequeath my jewellery in the hope ... ' 'Jewellery' should be 'jewelry.'
2) 'Alice Dunbar, who had initially gone very white, was purple now, with rage.' 'With' rage is telling and it is redundant to 'purple' and Alice's spoken dialogue. Consider deleting 'with rage.'
3) Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.
4) ' ... the estate will revert to the only member of my family that I have any use for, ... ' 'That' should be 'who,'

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) ' ... brought from the far east by a sea-faring ancestor.' Capitalize 'far east.'
2) "It seems to me young man that if you want to get ahead in this world, ... " Comma after 'me' and 'man.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.
3) "I had the rat-race of Bay Street for 8 years." Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where you should spell out numbers.
4) "If you will just tell me what changes you want I'll have them processed and ... " Consider replacing the ellipsis ( ... ) with an em-dash. Use an ellipsis for hesitation. Use an em-dash for interruption. Since Amanda interrupts Christopher, an em-dash is appropriate.
5) "NO!" There is no need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics or an exclamation mark (which you did) to emphasize words.
6) "James runs the company now, does he not?" He said gently. 'He' should be lowercase.

Specific comment on the third chapter:
1) No nits.

I hope these comments help you to further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a marvelous day.

Al
PS: I've hiked the Bruce Trail. Splendid geography.

Crime/Thriller and Sub-genre Review Group
Title: Catnip
Author: Valerie Tate

Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[07] Speed
[08] Enjoyment
[08] Interest

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[05] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors
[05] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors
[08] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[08] Coherent / Order
[08] Character/Subject Development

Marketing
[05] Cover Design
[08] Pitch

TOTAL
[70/100]

Comments: I read the first three chapters. A captivating start. A fascinating ensemble of unique characters. Clever wit. Vivid, evocative narrative. Well-managed tension. Smooth pacing.

Star rating: 5

My grading criteria: 1=not publishable, 5=publishable, 10=exceptionally publishable

This is a Canadian mystery cosy and a very fine one. It might shock civilians, but the one apparent good guy in the story is a lawyer. I know, I know, it boggles the imagination. Talk about twists and turns!

The premise: A wealthy old lady wills the bulk of her estate to her cat– as well as two gallons of vinegar to sweeten her daughter-in-law's temperament. Yes, that's clever.

This cosy is modern: A DNA sample is drawn from the cat and a microchip implanted under the skin as is done these days. That doesn't prevent the cat from being snatched nor does it prevent a murder.

Follow me so far? This is a wonderful mystery and for the cosy fan, it's … catnip!

Dear Valerie,

Sorry about the delay in posting this revew on your page but you know the trouble I had last week with the
IT problems - thankfully now resolved.

Here is my review for the purposes of our new thread.
Crime/Thriller and sub genre review group
Title: Catnip
Author: Valerie E. Tate
Chapters 1,2 and 3
Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[8] Speed (Easy/Fast)
[8] Enjoyment
[8] Interest (very good scenes)

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[10] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors (easy fix)
[10] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors (easy edit)
[08] Free of Distracting Dialog (too many exclamation marks)

Story
[9] Coherent / Order
(9) Character/Subject Development

Marketing
[3] Cover Design
[05] Pitch
(TOTAL
[78/100]

Comments:

I very nearly passed on this book as I was so put off by the cover. It reminds me of one of those cutesy calendars. Okay I’m biased towards dogs but even so, if your book hadn’t been part of our new crime/thriller thread I could have missed this little gem of a book. Lisa Scullard, who is also part of this thread has a particularly good illustrated cover design. I know that you are only using this for the purposes of Autho as your book is to be published.
4.5 stars

Other Comments
The ‘revenge from the grave’ plot does, at first feel a little dated, but you, I can tell are going to take this in an altogether different direction than the stuff of Sunday night television drama of yesteryear.

I really liked the way you flashed back so that we could get the measure of eccentric Amanda and she is a particularly well-rounded character.

You are an engaging storyteller and a competent writer, and far too good at your craft to need all those exclamation marks, particularly noticeable in both the short and the long pitches. The humour is apparent by the tone of your writing – we don’t need to be reminded when to laugh.

I note that another an earlier reader has suggested that there are too many characters that start with the same letter A. If the reader has to keep going back to see which A is which, that can be confusing. You may, of course, have done this deliberately and I have missed the reference.

I wish you every success with the forthcoming publication of this book.

(Alison) Lambert Nagle – Revolution Earth

Chapter 4
To whom does "they" in the first paragraph refer?
I still don't see how the cat got to be in Chris' possesion after Amanda died? Did I miss it, I've been reading very thoroughly.

Again, descriptions of the old house are lovely, and they are broken up with the right amount of action and dialogue!

J T Carroll

Chapter 3
insure Marmalade's well-being [ensure, insure means take out a policy, ensure means verything will be done to make a certain situation prevail Read more: Difference Between Ensure and Insure | Difference Between | Ensure vs Insure http://www.differencebetween.net/language/difference-between-ensure-and-insure/#ixzz1lveHf8oa]

And, why did the cat stay with Chris? I thought the granddaughter was supposed to be caring for it. And, now that I think about it, how did the cat get to Chris' office to begin with? Maybe this is answered in the next chapter or later on?

J T Carroll

Comments on chapter 2:
Chapter 2, para 3: summoned him [you need to give his name, Christopher, right?] A “rule” that I’ve been informed of by some editors is that if it is the first time a character is mentioned in a paragraph, you should not use a pronoun. The only exception is content written from the POV of the protagonist, who would not refer to themselves by name. I noticed this other times in this chapter, especially where Christopher greets the gardener and enters the house.

In this chapter, as in the first, I’m beginning to notice a lot of passive voice. Count the number of times “is, was, were” are used in the first five or six paragraphs. Although it’s readable, changing some of these passive sentences to active might just be the spice you need to move this book up the ratings!

The description of the house is superb! However, you say all of those impressions were gathered from a later date because … [This is jarring, the reader wants to experience the room as Christopher did, it doesn’t add anything, you could just as easily modify it to say these impressions became secondary when he caught sight of her ….]
the doctor’s [remove apostrophe] feel
Just a thought here, it’s a pretty cruel mother who would say the wrong son was killed in a car crash, maybe softening it to something like her favorite son was killed would help the reader maintain sympathy for Amanda.

Still enjoying ...

J T Carroll (Bitnapped!)

Hi Valerie,

I'm reading for the Crime and Thrillers group. Loved the first chapter! Just found a couple of nits that I've attached, my comments are in brackets. I'll keep reading, attaching comments as I go and then filling out the rating when I've gotten about 10K words through.

- J T Carroll
over-riding [overriding]
She had seen to it that they had been absent, unwilling for any but themselves [I’d replace themselves with her lawyer, since of course, she already knows] to know of her intentions. It was with some curiosity and a little trepidation therefore[no need for therefore, but if you want to use it, better at the beginning of the sentence], that he had anticipated the meeting in his office that day.
[I got a bit confused here, because I thought you were going to describe the original visit of Amanda to the lawyer, but you return to the present day reading, maybe something to indicate that transition, such as “On the day of the reading, Alice ….]
Alice Mayhew Dunbar sailed into the office at precisely 2:00 with the assurance of the flagship of the fleet - handsome, (Had the expression on her face and the look in her eyes been different, one might even have said, beautiful.) well-preserved, and about as warm as a Huron January. [lovely description!]
and... 'Atlas Shrugged'! [Sorry, is this a local expression, it was meaningless to me]

jewellery [jewelry]
[loved the description where the cat is brought in, I could imagine it very clearly!]

Hi Valerie,

I'm reading for the Crime and Thrillers group. Loved the first chapter! Just found a couple of nits that I've attached, my comments are in brackets. I'll keep reading, attaching comments as I go and then filling out the rating when I've gotten about 10K words through.

- J T Carroll
over-riding [overriding]
She had seen to it that they had been absent, unwilling for any but themselves [I’d replace themselves with her lawyer, since of course, she already knows] to know of her intentions. It was with some curiosity and a little trepidation therefore[no need for therefore, but if you want to use it, better at the beginning of the sentence], that he had anticipated the meeting in his office that day.
[I got a bit confused here, because I thought you were going to describe the original visit of Amanda to the lawyer, but you return to the present day reading, maybe something to indicate that transition, such as “On the day of the reading, Alice ….]
Alice Mayhew Dunbar sailed into the office at precisely 2:00 with the assurance of the flagship of the fleet - handsome, (Had the expression on her face and the look in her eyes been different, one might even have said, beautiful.) well-preserved, and about as warm as a Huron January. [lovely description!]
and... 'Atlas Shrugged'! [Sorry, is this a local expression, it was meaningless to me]

jewellery [jewelry]
[loved the description where the cat is brought in, I could imagine it very clearly!]

I really like the premise of this story. It sounds cute, intriguing and interesting.

I love the first sentence and introduction to the scene.

The will and testament shows Dunbar’s voice amazingly well. I really like it. Didn’t like that it was bolded too much, I liked the centered effect. I’d get rid of the bold and italics and just leave it centered.

I stopped reading at chapter two because it just wasn’t holding my attention. I think you do a good job describing things, but in my opinion, there’s too much description and history. Some of it could be spread out more.
I think there may be a bit of an over description with the actions of the characters. For example when Suzanne comes in with the cat, and you describe Alice’s expression, “she darted a suspicious glance”. I don't think "suspicious" is needed when it's shown so well that Alice is suspicious.

I think the descriptions of the characters when they arrive are spot on. How you compare them to a fleet, and Alicia’s description was lovely. I can just imagine her melting into a chair. The description of the cat was good too.

I don’t like all the exclamation marks. I hate them in description and exposition. It’s a bit like a person nudging you and asking, “do you get it?”
I think some of the dialog could use with less of them.
I admit through, my hate of the exclamation mark is personal.

I’d consider changing some of the “A” names, Amanda, Alicia, and Alice though all very nice names get a bit confusing in the first chapter, especially when you’re first getting introduced. If you read the rest of the book I’m sure it’d get easier though.

Though this might not be my cup of coffee, there’s a lot of good suspense in here. The reader knows that something bad is going to happen, and this slow build up suits the story perfectly.

I love this! What a great story. Funny, charming and very well written. Backed.

Catnip
Valerie,
I have read the first nine chapters.
I have found this a surprisingly pleasant story and a lovely read. It is part comedy, part love story, part mystery. I was compelled to read on by your light air and charming character descriptions. This is a soft and inviting read, and I star it highly.
Hook and Plot- There is something very classic about this premise- the murder-mystery hook of an eccentric millionaire putting conditions on her heirs. In a funny way  this very classic premise creates its own, very subtle, hook. I feel hooked by the inevitability and to some extent predictability of what I expect the story to do (whether it be right or wrong in the end). However, this also creates a standard which you will need to meet in order not to disappoint, which you do well.
The plot and continuing hook are interesting one for me, because to some extent the continued hook comes from the fact that it is not clear what kind of story this is in the beginning. I mean to say, that with the, quite classic, plot mechanism of the pet getting the estate, you open us up to ponder if this is going to be a murder mystery. You certainly preset a set of characters that have a real motivation in considering a murder. But then you bring out the possbility of a love story merely by your description of Alicia and Chris. 
All in all, I found it quite readable, and even some of my temporary objections (you repeat the history of the town at least twice in the segment I have read, which seemed a bit too much for so early in the book) dissipated as I kept reading. There is something pleasantly mesmerising about your book that I very much enjoy.
Character development- In this short section I have read you do a fabulous job developing the characters. First, Amanda- it was very clever of you to flash back to the conversation between Amanda and Chris. She comes out very clearly and robustly. It was the attention that you gave to little details, like her insisting on calling him Christopher, that helped draw her character.
With Alice, you really run the risk of making her into a caricature in chapter one, but you nicely avoid this later on, particularly as she interacts with the cat, especially when he runs away. It is likely that her character will be further developed later on, so I will hold judgement until I read further.
James you are very, very careful to develop, with the story of the car accident, the fond description by her mother, and the background information you provide about the town. He is a rich, strongly developed character, although relatively minor at this point.
Alicia is shrouded in mystery, which is, of course, the point. Your description of her alluring beauty is a great set up for the obvious love story with Chris.
Chris, lastly, works well as a bemused and amused master of ceremonies to the circus. Although I would have liked to have seen him interacting more with Marmalade.
Humour- I would strongly suggest that you slow down and spend a couple of chapters showing a few of the disasters rather than summarising them. This runs the risk of affecting your plot development, but would bring out the comic aspect which is dying to come out. By this I mean that I would like a chapter devoted, for example, to Marmalade destroying a lovely dish that Alice created, and her subsequent reaction, leading to broken plates, or some-such. I love pet humour, and you really have set up for it by the premise. When you summarise as you do in chapter 5 you reduce the impact of your humour.
Ambiance and descriptions- This is very richly described, and is almost travel fiction in the extent that it makes the town come to life. As I said earlier, you do give me the town background several times, and I thought at the time that it was too much. However, after reading it it does not sit badly in the memory. I would suggest you consider consolidating, or at least making sure that the narratives of the town's history do not overlap.

My comments as I read

1. I think it's start out with too many descriptions of the people. Perhaps it could come a little bit later, perhaps after the reading of the will.
Atlas shrugged?
But the descriptions are really fantastic, particularly the description of the cat
This is a good hook, and its laid out well.
Two. What is a small furniture town? Furniture making town?
I normally  object so much background information so early on in the book, but for some reason it works really well for me here.
3
The will reading works. 
4
I honestly cannot say why, but this is engaging- in spite of the fact that there is no hook at this point, except the Love interest. We know that they need to behave or they will not get the money. 
5
I think you would do better to tell  a few of these stories in detail. They could be funny, but when you just enumerate them it looks like a lost opportunity. 

6
The plot thickens,,,
7
I think it works, though. I am still curious
8 thickens further. 
9 
You are repeating the town history
Repeated my question" should be "his question"
Ooh, hook punch, not a slap!


All in all, I think this is a lovely read. Six stars. I will read further and comment accordingly.

Best,
Maeve

I'm very impressed with your writing. Actually, the comment right before this one is pretty much what I would say. I can't make up my mind about that first paragraph, though. Don't know if I'm fond of it, or not. There's something about it that hits me wrong... don't know what to say about it. Just me, though.
The will (bold) - I'd like to see you experiment around with other ways to format that. No suggestions; however.
Except for the above, I think you're one of the better writers on the site. Not much more to say. I wish you the best of luck. I'm sure you'll make the desk. Anxious to see what HC have to say.

Oh, what if you leave the 'had' out of "Christopher Mallory had met Amanda..."

Hey Valerie. I've read some of this now and I must say your voice is very engaging. Your sense of humor is clearly infused in your writing, which is clear and flows well. There were some punctuation issues, but nothing a decent edit won't fix. I wish you the best of luck with it!

Jasmine

Hi, Valarie. Just some personal opinions, here.

First, let me say how impressed I am with your writing. Characters are well defined by the dialog, and I have no problem picturing what’s going on, where they are and why, who's speaking, their personalities, etc. Nice.
I wasn't fond of the first paragraph; It felt more like a pitch than the beginning of the story - just my amateur opinion, of course.
I'm concerned with what the first few pages would look like in an actual book. I strongly advise ordering a proof from CreateSpace. It won't cost more than 10 bucks, or so, and you may decide to make some changes. As an eBook it probably won't matter, but in print, formatted for book size, it might appear rather odd. Not sure about that, but it wouldn't hurt to get a little preview.
Of course I didn't read the whole book, but from the short/long pitch it sounds like something that would sell, and if the quality of writing remains as high throughout the book as what I did read, I think you have a good chance with it. Best of luck to you. See you on the desk.

A truly delightful read. It’s beautifully written, quirky, intelligent and intriguing. The characters all have distinct personalities, and the descriptive passages are colourful enough to avoid slowing the well-paced narrative. Your Degree in English Literature shines like a beacon.

I feel presumptuous offering any suggestions at all, but in the hope of being useful, these were the (very minor) points I might have quibbled with.

The first sentence in Ch1 – would you consider using ‘begin’ instead of open? It seems to me to flow better.

At the end of Ch3 –
‘Well, my friend, what do you think of all this?’
He yawned widely...
Marmalade yawned widely?

Ch4 – Chris’ apartment. I know this is a point of grammar currently under discussion, but in terms of usage, it would still sound more natural to me to say ‘Chris’s apartment.’(The same comment applies to James’/James’s later on.

Typo towards the end of Ch5 (in reference to Marmalade) – ‘...it seemed as if he knew exactly what he was going...’ should be ‘doing’ I think.

I’m also not a fan of exclamation marks, which you’ve used quite a lot, but that’s just personal preference.

I’ve read five chapters and would have read more if autho hadn’t had one of its ‘error’ attacks. I’ll certainly be back to finish it, and in the meantime, I’ll be backing it as soon as I have room.

Hi Valerie

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Valerie,

Sounds like Marmalade and Knick would get along well! Knick also strode in like he owned the place from day one. Looks like you have a really fun story here! High stars and I'll add you to my watchlist.

All the best to you!

Patti

Valerie, I am still stumbling trying to negotiate this site. I posted my comments somewhere else, but here goes again. I finished CH 1 and was amazed at your descriptive finesse. Your characters are right on and I think you must have been a student of Egri because it seems you have your characters' insecurities on cue. I stumbled once, and actually had to rethink Atlas Shrugged to see if I missed something. Looking forward to CH 2. Chippewa "Episodes"

Valerie, finished CH 1 and I am totally hooked. I loved the old dame's sense of humor and I can sense the coming storm. You write characters the way Egri suggests: build on their insecurities. I had one stumbling block, and it caused me to stop and research my memory bank regarding Atlas Shrugged. I missed your meaning there. Going on to CH 2 and a good read. Chippewa "Episodes"

Valerie, what I have read so far really pulls me in. Of course, having retired as a homicide detective only fuels the fire, so I am expecting much. I have printed out your first chapter and will read it in bed with only a dim light. I will fill you in once your first chapter has digested. Chippewa

Dear Valerie

What an interesting read, full of comic asides and witty, bright humour. It feels rather like an Agatha Christie, but more amusing and lively. I am pleased to have spent some time in the company of your entirely plausible characters, faded, jaded and vengeful. Great writing skills also make the reading a pleasure. Thank you.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

Valerie, Catnip was on my WL, I think from the forums, but if this was a return read, sorry for the delay. Very easy to read and quite enjoyable.I should think there would be a big market for this. I hope it gets published.
I take notes as I go, noting where I stumble. Sometimes the notes fill a page, but this was super clean so just a couple of things in 4 chapters, both of which are more my stumbles than yours.

CHPT1 -I didn't get the "Atlas Shrugged" reference, one of my favorite books by the way. Hopefully others did.

Chpt 2 or 3? ". . .and he never sees her now but that he spits." - I've never heard this phrasing before "but that he spits." I got what you meant just had to read it twice.

Chpt 4 . . .it was a simple matter of taking a mouth swab." I know this wasn't supposed to be funny but it made me laugh. I can't read cats and I certainly wouldn't come at that one with a swab, simple matter haha.

Nice work
Bill
HH

CATNIP
This is a book written about a clever idea: what would happen if a woman left her extensive estate to her cat? You have a good mix of characters (including the cat). Dialogue is well done. Overall, this is funny, light-hearted fun. I’m adding it to my shelf. Wannabeawriter. Who Killed the President?

Hi Valerie,
I really enjoyed the opening chapter; reminiscent of those old Ealing Comedies with Alec Guinness and the like. Good characters, although (and I will read on) I assume Mallory and Alicia will come to the fore. You painted a great image of Alicia, in particular her relationship with Marmalade. One tiny gripe: "average height" doesn't say anything about Dunbar's height. Just a pet hate of mine.
A great read.
Best wishes,
Robert

Alrighty!
The beginning has a good draw - I like the old matriarch ... and the cat. However, shouldn't the OK's be spelled 'okay'? You have an engaging style, but a lot of typos and that detracts from the voice. I would recommend having someone look at this and thoroughly check for errors. There is also a ton of description. For a mystery, that might be a good thing, however, so I can't really make a recommendation regarding that. One thing I do love is how you describe the thief trying again and again at catnapping and failing.

Reben

Catnip

I've read into this now and feel able to comment. You have a strong comic narrative plot-shape here which you are furnishing with appropriate characters. The writing is consistent, well-edited and has a suitable haughty-yet-amused tone that fits the piece well. This feels in many ways like the premise for an Ealing comedy from the 1950s, with perhaps Alec Guiness in the lead roles of both Mr and Mrs Dunbar. The comedy is genteel, the crime caper that is about to develop benign and light-hearted. You write very well indeed and I found myself smiling gently at several of the scenes.

My suggestions are not the kind I normally put, because to be honest I couldn't fault the writing or the style you have managed to achieve. There is a seamlessness to both that perfectly compliments each other and this is in some respects a study in how to create a tone for a whole piece, characters, narrative and settings. My questions are around the style and the whole place of this comic novel in the market. In many, many respects this would work very well as a screenplay for a TV play or series, the concept is perfect for that kind arena. I don't particularly read comic novels, only Douglas Adams and Terry Prachett but have never got into Tom Holt or Tom Sharpe, which I am imagining, particularly the latter, that this is like. My questions are thus;

Why set this in Canada when it is so obviously a novel of the English upper middle class?
Where do you see this sitting in the current market? I know it might even be considered rude to ask this question, us writers aren't meant to think about genre if we're purists, but I wondered where this would go on the shelves on your local bookstore.

You write very well, masterfully. I found some of the scenes a little contrived and almost too genteel, the characters more caricatures than real people, double that for the cat. But I am sure that also fits the tone and style of the genre. Catnip is a piece of work that you should be proud of, I do worry about it's marketability however as a novel and do think that some of the visuals and over-the-top responses of the characters might work better in terms of wider audience as a screenplay. The plot hangs on a central joke and there is a slight danger in that that once the humour of that initial joke has worn off the impetus to complete the story wears off with it. Old lady leaves inheritance to cat works as a joke, as an intriguing hook and I know you will go on to all kinds of shenanigans involving the cat and the relatives attempts to circumvent the wishes of the old crone. The danger I suppose is if the reader doesn't buy the joke or finds all of the characters so disagreeable that they don't pursue the story, then we are in a bit of a bind.

I am very impressed with your style and your voice and your writing. I think, on balance, I am one of those who doesn't buy the joke at the heart of the book, not that you don't make it work very well and play it for all the laughs inherent within it, because you do. This doesn't mean I can't recognise excellent writing when I see it, I can and have. I will promote this book in the forums over the coming weeks, as I said I think it is an excellent example of style and tone working seamlessly and being threaded expertly through all aspects of a novel's production. Well done for that Valerie!

In a nutshell, great writing, great characters, great style, but perhaps my sense of humour is broken and didn't find the joke of cat inheriting family fortune worked as a novel, but the TV play, now there's a wonderful idea. Take care, best wishes - Andrew W.

Very entertaining opening. I agree with the person who said it almost seems more like a movie than a book. But then maybe that's just because in recent years this is a bit of an untapped market (as far as I know) in books - mysteries that don't take themselves too seriously. I suppose if Terry Pratchett can write fantasies like that, why can't there be comedic mysteries? This is very well-written and it's going on my watchlist.

I'm posting this here too, Valerie! ;)

I just have to say here—Chris is absolutely wonderful! What a good guy! :) Mrs. Stuart is perfect! Love the addition of her character. I think the pace and introduction of each chapter is right on course, so far. ;) I love your short chapters, Valerie, like Ch. 14. You are doing nicely. I love the story just as it is. I can’t think of one thing to change at this point. It’s great!

You have such a heart, Valerie. A delightful one, the way you write! It comes through your words clearly and beautifully. Well done. (I’m referring specifically to the part where Alicia is on the stairway, all dressed up, not sure about Chris who’s standing in the entryway. His smile is so timely and precisely moves the characters next actions forward in a natural way that is completely convincing and well-written. Good job!)
I’ve finished through Chapter 17, and I have to say, “I LOVE IT!” You’re a fabulous writer, Valerie. I would buy your books! You sweep the reader away in your story, creating for them a break from real life. That’s an accomplishment, to create something so real that it is an escape. Pretty good! You’re born to write. Let your dream come true! You’re amazing! :)

Ellise

Just going through all sorts of legal wrangles involving a will at the moment, so I was drawn to this, especially the “two gallons of vinegar to sweeten her disposition”. Very good.

I laughed about the Animal Protection Society because that’s exactly what my legal argument is about. In the UK, if you leave money to a charity as well as living people, or in this case a cat, then that charity can start all sorts of legal proceedings, probably not against a cat in this case though. But you never know. Imagine the fun a solicitor would have. I like the sense at the end of ch1 that the cat has a lot of power, but really it’s Mallory who’s going to have the fun.

I like the description of a “furniture” town in ch2, which skips back pre the death of Mrs Dunbar interestingly, and then we find she’s doing it to protect the place her husband built from greedy relatives and developers. It’s great stuff. I like it. It’s a good idea.

In 3, we’re back to the reading of the will having discovered more about Alice, and none of it is good. Would a judge uphold it if it’s contested? Just what I was thinking. The determination of Chris Mallory to carry out the letter of the law, alongside the contented cat makes for an interesting image, and I just get the feeling there’s going to be some kind of twist. It’s been on my WL for ages but now finally backed and rated.

I love your short chapters. I'm contemplating using them in my own book for the short snippets that I think would benefit from them. Great job, and great inspiration! :)

Love the ending to Chapter 5! Just great!

Quite clever the way you did Chapter 6! You're a natural. ;)

Love, love, love the part about the cat's claw catching in the lace-edged tablecloth and dragging it through the house trying to escape the dreaded linen-monster! Hilarious! That whole paragraph is delightful! You've written a wonderful escape for readers of mystery / humor! I've enjoyed all I've read, Valerie! Thank you for the great laughs!

Ellise