THE VIRUS

There is drama by the bucket load here; it keeps the reader rivetted to the page. I didn't expect the two old people [ch. 4 ] to get a bullet in the head. That was scarey.

Accurate formatting and structure makes this an easy and enjoyable read.

Good Luck
Mary

I've taken a quick peek at some of the comments and see there are plenty more qualified than me to advise you.
So I'm just going as a reader. First off, whilst you are generous about the writing ability of others, don't underestimate yours.
I'd never have the imagination to write in this genre. The pitch reads well and is complex, promising much. And from what I've read so far, you deliver.
I'm not surprised this is doing well. The story line is topical and very plausible in this world of ours. From the very start, you give us action which intrigues. I need to read on to see where you take us with this story, meanwhile starred and on my shelf next turn around. Margaret.

This is an excellent story, gripping from the start. I love the characters and the way the story unfolds. It is fast paced and very exciting, it had me turning pages on the edge of my seat! The virus obviously relates to reality, which makes this very believable indeed!
I really enjoyed what I read
Backed and starred with pleasure
Rachael
Dreamscape

EM,
I read the first two chapters. I'm used to laying the foundation for epics, myself. So, to me, I enjoyed getting immersed into the setting and getting to know the characters. Perhaps the comments about the pace for a thriller is correct. But, as a reader, I'm good with your beginning. The dialogue, I specifically mean the dialect, might be a bit much (too true, if one could say this), but were you to read my historical fiction dialogue, you might see that I too need to moderate here. You have a great premise, and I see that you are full of good ideas with a talent for prose. Starred well by me. Five stars, to be exact and honest. I enjoyed the read and wish you well.
Cheers!
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

So far I like the premise. And I like your writing style. A couple of mechanical things - I would cut the opening couple of lines about the virus (too much too soon) and just start the story with the guy in the truck. Other thing - I'm from the usa - there are two movies here, one is called 'Repo Man' and the other is called 'Uncle Buck' I know there's no correlation but as a reader the repitition of both struck a chord - perhaps use different names? Anyway I liked what I read so far.

Kris
Killing Death

Well, Mr. Delaney,
This is an interesting concept. Words, words, words, it's amazing how each of us can put them all together and come up with a meangingful whole. And you, dear sir, have made my heart pitter patter with excitement--your first two chapters did, that is. You said such nice things to John Campbell and Ms Margaret in your comments that I had to come check out your work. Once my pulse calms down, I shall sprinkle you with some lovely stars.
Cheers!
Bea

EM,
I read the first two chapters. I'm used to laying the foundation for epics, myself. So, to me, I enjoyed getting immersed into the setting and getting to know the characters. Perhaps the comments about the pace for a thriller is correct. But, as a reader, I'm good with your beginning. The dialogue, I specifically mean the dialect, might be a bit much (too true, if one could say this), but were you to read my historical fiction dialogue, you might see that I too need to moderate here. You have a great premise, and I see that you are full of good ideas with a talent for prose. Starred well by me. Five stars, to be exact and honest. I enjoyed the read and wish you well.
Cheers!
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

THE VIRUS

COVER: wish it wasn't cut off. I think the title a bit too bold but its a good cover for this site I'd say.

SHORT PITCH: Hm, well. I prefer pitches that don't tell me what they're supposed to be so I'd say cut out everthing before pitting...and then rework what's left

LONG PITCH: I think it very good.

TEXT: First chapter is solid. A few Very minor things that bothered me...I like that he's a repo man but part of me is a bit put off by the casual dialog...wish I could articulate why...could just be a taste thing. I also felt there was slightly too much info on him/his ilfe here. Why would he say "who the hell is Helen ...?" aloud? It felt false...as if you were trying to drum up excitement over what he'd found.
chp2 - might be a bit too much uninterrupted journal here, I'd condense them some...felt slightly like when people include a lecture in a novel without interesting visions or audience reaction or something to keep me glued. Fun to see ye olde AIDS conspiracy brought to life here.
good job all around Emmett...best of luck with this!
let me know if I can help out with the cover.
-=B

Hi Emmett,

I enjoy this style of writing and I like the way the story rattles along. The premise is good too (from the pitch/blurb) and strong enough to carry the reader. I think you are a natural story-teller and this combines really well with your 'inside' knowledge. The dialogue has a good feel to it as well.

In terms of crit, I agree with a lot of the comments below: but developing that 'craft' is where most of us are at and why we are here.

Please accept, reject or ignore as you see fit.

I agree with the comments about the opening para - it does not read well and it is not as clear as it could be; whereas the paras that follow are much stronger and do a good job of drawing in the reader. As JWA says, do you even need it?

I also agree with the comments about 'back story' and a tendency to over-explain.

My main issue is with the shifting POV: it seems to switch from Joe (in the third person) to a neutral narrator. I think it would be better for the reader to 'ride' with Joe and stay there.

Anyhow, it is a great story and the crit is easy fixed.

Backed. Good luck.

Terry

This is an excellent story, gripping from the start. I love the characters and the way the story unfolds. It is fast paced and very exciting, it had me turning pages on the edge of my seat! The virus obviously relates to reality, which makes this very believable indeed!
I really enjoyed what I read
Backed and starred with pleasure
Rachael
Dreamscape

Hi

The tense shifts are distracting... your knowledge of the job Joe does is evident and adds great interest. Best of luck!

I've taken a quick peek at some of the comments and see there are plenty more qualified than me to advise you.
So I'm just going as a reader. First off, whilst you are generous about the writing ability of others, don't underestimate yours.
I'd never have the imagination to write in this genre. The pitch reads well and is complex, promising much. And from what I've read so far, you deliver.
I'm not surprised this is doing well. The story line is topical and very plausible in this world of ours. From the very start, you give us action which intrigues. I need to read on to see where you take us with this story, meanwhile starred and on my shelf next turn around. Margaret.

The Virus- Hi Emmett. You have had some comments from people far more qualified to critique than me (or so they may think) but I will tell you what I think, for what that is worth. For a start I only ever read the first chapter of anyone's work as I'm a bit of a slow reader and haven't the time to read much.
I did like your opening paragraph although you do need to check it, maybe rework it. The writing was not as good as the rest of your work and if I had been presented with that paragraph alone I might have put the book down and left it.
Back story - I know, from my own writing, how tempting it is to tell the reader all you know about a character but find a way of drip feeding the back story into the main narrative. For example, when Jeff calls this is an opportunity to tell the reader he is Joe's son. The reader wants to know who this person is and there is no need to keep them in suspense. You maybe don't have to tell the whole story but you could drop in that Joe has brought the boy up and he has turned out ok. I wouldn't presume to plot your story or give you words to us, that's up to you.
I was surprised to learn that repo men could take a car from outside a persons own home without informing them - but then again I have, fortunately, never been in the position to have anything repossessed.
The only other thing I would mention, that had not already been mentioned - possibly-, be consistent about what you call your character. Sometimes you say 'Joe' sometimes you say 'Kelly'. Make up your mind and stick to it. It doesn't matter which you use but always use the same. I kept having to remind myself there was only one person being talked about, especially as 'Kelly' can be a forename in the UK (don't know about the States).
Hope these comments are of use. Good luck with your work. I'll try to have a look at the other things you have posted.
Kristen Stone
Kianda Mala - The Monkey Man

I love this novel! Liz

I have read extracts before from THE VIRUS. It is a fascinating plot and a very analysed storyline - the reader must keep up! A page turner. It does need an edit and I would strongly recommend that you read the whole aloud as for an audio book. This will enable you to see where to make changes especially with speech which does come across a bit wooden and a bit too precise. As an example take a look at 7's last but one chapter?
Chapter 7 second para; Marshall - license. This sentence doesn't make sense! Also how would anybody else know what's on the driving license? Forgive me but this is a glaring error, unless of course I've missed a previous scene.
Anyway 5stars and all the best.

Thank you so much, Suzanne, for your time to have actually read some of my manuscript. I appreciate any / all critique. One does not need to sugar-coat it for me as I am a realist with strong desire to better my craft as a story-teller.

I'll review the Ch7 area you point out. Much of my MS is not polished I admit. I'm working on that now.

Thanks again.

Emmett

I have read extracts before from THE VIRUS. It is a fascinating plot and a very analysed storyline - the reader must keep up! A page turner. It does need an edit and I would strongly recommend that you read the whole aloud as for an audio book. This will enable you to see where to make changes especially with speech which does come across a bit wooden and a bit too precise. As an example take a look at 7's last but one chapter?
Chapter 7 second para; Marshall - license. This sentence doesn't make sense! Also how would anybody else know what's on the driving license? Forgive me but this is a glaring error, unless of course I've missed a previous scene.
Anyway 5stars and all the best.

Hi there,
I noted you have a book posted on the site. I can’t swear it’s one I would like, but I’m happy to take a look if you’d like me to (always if time allows). My readings are usually of two or three chapters only; it’s enough to see if the book is going to grab the reader and identify major features of style, and by limiting myself it means I can look at more books. It follows that my comments are usually purely practical rather than comprising general praise. Often a book doesn’t appeal to me. This is a matter of taste and doesn’t imply criticism.

There’s no “charge”. You don’t have to back, star or even read my book and my response to yours will be unaffected by your response (or lack of response) to mine. I don’t trade backings. By all means trash my stuff. I like to laugh at my own pretensions.

Jim Williams
Death and the Tango in Madeira

The best start you can ask of a fast paced thriller is that it is an immediate start. And this you successfully achieve. Though I think, it might work better without the first paragraph.
The writing gurus that I’ve seen all say ‘no back story for at least three chapters.’ I think if you kept his past up your sleeve and fed it in later it might work well, and get everybody involved and hooked with the story.
The writing is tight, as it should be, and the characters come to life quickly. It is a good concept: a repo man finding documents in a car he’s grabbed and suddenly all hell breaks loose. I would buy this book.

Recommended on the thread, I had to read. It's a pretty tense read, especially Judith's torture. I'm not sure whethr this is a quarter of the book or a half, but if the second part is as strong as the first, should do very well. Backed.
Lara
GOOD FOR HIM and
A FEAST OF TALES Good for Her

It approx 1/3 of the MS. Needs much repair in narrative, punctuation and so forth. I am working on that though. I am glad you are enjoying it and thank you for your backing. I really appreciate that.

Emmett

Recommended on the thread, I had to read. It's a pretty tense read, especially Judith's torture. I'm not sure whethr this is a quarter of the book or a half, but if the second part is as strong as the first, should do very well. Backed.
Lara
GOOD FOR HIM and
A FEAST OF TALES Good for Her

Chapter One:

Overall: Very good! I like the premise. The dialogue between father and son is great. I like both of the characters – and this is coming from someone who has had an experience with the Repo Man. (He was actually very nice. Very big, but very nice). The writing is solid, but could use some tightening here and there. Nothing major. I can get quite nit-picky, spouting off rules; my aim to write better myself and help others too. I have given this five stars and have kept in on my WL. I'll come back for more later.

Major thoughts: (Please take anything I have to say with a grain of salt. If you disagree, ignore me.)

1) lose the opening sentences. Start where the story starts and end with a bang.
2) choose one POV and stick with it. You switch from present to past. You have to choose one. I'd go with the third close/past.
3) Cut the back story on Joe and rework elsewhere. It slows up the pacing. Also, a lot of this is a "tell." For example you tell us "raising a kid alone was hard." It would be much more powerful if this was shown in flashback somehow, and later in the story. It's always best to start the story--then work in the bits of pieces here and there. Or so I hear.


Nitpicks:
Commas: Sure I do, Son. Damn, Dad. (Dad should be caps) Oh well, Dad (etc.) Nighty night, Jeff. Night, Dad. (I'm sure you get the point).

Turning the page, Joe observed...

Personal taste.
A) Lose the dialogue tag "Jeff answered back. It's not needed.
B) Lose any necessary was verbs. (i.e.) The car he was looking at. Is he supposed to repo this car? If so, maybe try: "The car Joe was about to haul off sat parked, facing out, etc. You don't need words like looked, felt, appeared, etc. b/c you're telling the story from a close third POV.


Awkward: There was not a dark window etc. Maybe a shorter sentence. Every light in the house was on.

Uncle Buck makes me think of the movie with John Candy. No biggie.

A bit cliché: his life would be changed forever. Maybe: A pit of dread formed in his stomach. Two simple words popped of the page: deadly virus. (not exact, but...it ends the chapter with more of a hook...)

CHAPTER TWO:

Oh Yeah! This is more like it. The pacing rolls.

nitpick: the word felt and feel, last sentence. His eyes locked into their sockets like metal balls. He clutched his fingers on his chest and fought for his breath. (I don't know...just trying). (I'd put sweaty palms before vomit. It's like your palms tingle, then get sweaty. And then...not that I'm a vomit expert).

Watch for "as he" "as they", etc. Rephrase. He placed the notebook on the (etc) and opened the door with his free hand.

Nice job, Emmett. Excellent "Hotlanta" sense of place and real good job fleshing out Joe. Would have liked to see just a little less exposition about Joe after his conversation with his son. I can definitely see keeping some of it, but some should be dispersed in smaller pices as it began to slow your story. Joe's my kind of character and his story easily held my attention.

Oh yeah, almost forgot, the second time you mentioned straw on the windshield it came across as repetitive. I think a another interesting tell-tale sign of a stolen car would work better.

Best of luck, Emmett.

Thomas J Winton

Thank you Thomas for your remarks. My #1 priority is to take out some of the black space spent introducing Joe to the reader. Many have commented about that. Be advised this was the first chapter of fiction I had ever written. It has been a long time.

I have learned a lot about narrative since then. I decided to wait and collect critique as opposed to reacting to every comment. This way I gain more useful insight as i am sure you can imagine. People like yourself are invaluable and I really appreciate your input. Thank you.

AS i am not your editor I will just say that your book , what there is of it , is very well written - very engaging and involving , there are a few small nits that will eventually be fixed but generally you know how to tell a story just like I do and its good stuff - I read chapter 10 and enjoyed it - of course we all have personal scope ,a kind of writers sixth sence and I hope to read more of your work to get a bigger picture of human nature - if only I could paint big pictures ,well anyway -- good luck and keep writing whatever you do - thanks !

Hi Emmett
The book opens well with a little quick hook. Although I wouldn't put 'life as he knew it would never be the same.'
sounds cliche. Show us don't tell us, the old standard I tell everyone in the writing groups I hang out in. the dialogue section is good, moves along the pace fast and begins to draw me. but the long background section is again telling and not showing, really slows everything down. Either show us or break it up and insert later. I'd get right into having him repo a car. The ending sentence wrecks it for me, again telling me and is nearly identical to the last sentence in the opening paragraph. Perhaps have him opening the diary and reading something like, 'the virus was unstoppable'. something to grab the readers attention and want to read on. I like the idea of using a repo man as hero, and describing the tow truck was fairly accurate, if you need any info on vehicles let me know, as I'm also a licensed auto technician.
Thanks
Frank

Nice job, Emmett. Excellent "Hotlanta" sense of place and real good job fleshing out Joe. Would have liked to see just a little less exposition about Joe after his conversation with his son. I can definitely see keeping some of it, but some should be dispersed in smaller pices as it began to slow your story. Joe's my kind of character and his story easily held my attention.

Oh yeah, almost forgot, the second time you mentioned straw on the windshield it came across as repetitive. I think a another interesting tell-tale sign of a stolen car would work better.

Best of luck, Emmett.

Thomas J Winton

Dear E M - ah, this is a good'un! Straight into the story - just how I like it! Great dialogue. I like Joe already! You said I would (cos of MacGyver!). Really looking forward to reading more. Lovely, fluid style. You're a natural, old mate. Straight on my bookshelf. All the best, Ceeds

You just wait! AND.....to you only, should you like, I will extend this offer that once you have read what is available here, I will send you the conclusion. This will entitle you to become only one of less than ten people in the WORLD to have read it.

i will to insist on verification on that you have actually read it. That is why I ask you this question:

Agent Fuller's train of thought was broken by_____________? Fill in the blank correctly and you will be sent the balance of the manuscript if you send me your email request to : emmett@delaneytowing.com

Thanks again for your support. I genuinely appreciate you.

Emmett

Dear E M - ah, this is a good'un! Straight into the story - just how I like it! Great dialogue. I like Joe already! You said I would (cos of MacGyver!). Really looking forward to reading more. Lovely, fluid style. You're a natural, old mate. Straight on my bookshelf. All the best, Ceeds

Chapter 2. I decided to leave you my review via the comments box rather than email (due to problems with my other computer). I thought this was a good chapter, and the structure worked well. My only suggestions are minor, relating to the notes, and the letter. I thought the notes could be condensed a little, because at one point I had to stop myself from skimming them (But, take this with a grain of salt because my mind always did wander during science class as a kid). However, I did think they were a clever way of getting the reader into the thick of things. Now we know what Joe will be doing next, which will undoubtedly put him into danger. Also, in regards to the letter to Jason, the writer says they assume it has been sixteen years before he has received it—after they had died. I’d take this out because it didn’t ring right. Yeah, maybe they assumed he would get it passed onto him at a certain age, but it still pulled me up because the person was being so precise. It seemed more for the reader’s benefit than Jason’s. I think the line saying that it may seem strange about receiving the package so many years after their death will be enough to convey the time that has passed.

Anyway, as said above these are only minor points. Also, nice touch with the reference to AIDS. This amps up your story to a whole new level. –Marita.

Dear E M, Many thanks for your compliments on "The Doctor of Summitville" and for reminding me of THE VIRUS, which I'm now re-reading with keen interest. When I'm a little farther along, I'll return with comments. So far, I like your theme, style, and early use of dialogue for a running start. High stars for now, Bill

The pitch is excellent, and the idea of a repo man as hero is a nice twist, I'm sure he would have unusual skills that would come in useful saving the world.

The prologue bit at the start didn't really seem to add anything. It's only a paragraph but it's quite vague and the 'life would never be the same' line is a bit of a cliche, and melodramatic one at that. If events are going to exciting and life changing you don't need to make that claim beforehand, and in any case that's for the reader to decide.

You go back a few hours and switch to present tense. It's a little odd to have the present in past tense and the past (2 hours earleir..)in present tense. But what makes it extra diffficult to process is that the whole rest of the first chapter continually slips betwen past and present tense at random. So 'Jeff answered back' or 'Kelly pinched a small amount...' and numerous other examples appear inthe middle of 'The repo man speeds along...' and it's impossible to tell which is the one you mean and which is the one that's a mistake.

It's a shame because that inconsistency made it very difficult to read with any flow.

His chat with his son felt a bit too expositional. To have him arbitrarily ask his dad for an explanation of his work practices was kind of convenient. I would suggest if you want readers to know what he does, just show him doing it. Overexplaining stuff, or giving us the history of how he got into the business makes for a slow start and is totally unnecessary, in my opinion.

Ending the chapter with 'his life would be changed forever' is repetitive and again a bit of a corny line.

The characters and the general premise seem very promising, but I wanted to be caught up in it and I certainly think it has the potential to be a page turner, but the writing errors made it very tricky to get into it and a lot of the preamble felt like you were setting up stuff that didn't need setting up.

Finally found a little time to sit down with this. A few nit-picky things off the bat. Some people say never to use an exclamation point. I’m not that severe, but I’d suggest treating them like you have to pay twenty bucks for each one you use. In the opening phone conversation with Jeff, there are so many that I started to feel numb to them, and then when you really need one for emphasis, it’ll have a harder time doing its job. Also, watch your tense. I thought at the beginning that you were going to go for present tense (not always my favorite to read, but it could work for a suspense/thriller), but then it slipped into past tense during the phone conversation, tossing in another present tense near the end with “Kelly laughs.”

On the bigger structure, I’m not sure how I feel about the teaser paragraph to open, then flashing back. To me, it actually kills some of the suspense. We know he’s going to find something earth-shattering, so everything else becomes, “Yeah, yeah, get to it already.”

Love the flavor of the dialogue. Great job there.

At the end of the phone conversation, though, it comes to a screeching halt with a *big* dose of backstory/infodump. It might be more natural to only give a little bit of background, something that would be natural for Joe to reflect on *at that moment*. I’d suggest maybe just a little bit about Jeff—he’d just hung up with him, so it’d be natural to be thinking about “that kid of mine.”

Hmm ... actually, with just a slightly different intro paragraph, you could almost start the book with the second scene instead, right when he gets to the Nissan. It’d be a shame to miss that nice dialogue at the start, but I’m also not sure what purpose it serves in the long-run.

I’m also not sure about the last line of the chapter. Telling us (twice now—at the beginning and end of the chapter) that Joe’s life was about to change forever is another tension-killer. A thought—even though most of the notebook is indecipherable to him, maybe he spots a single word or phrase that chills him. “Deadlier than (insert nasty disease here)” or “Near-absolute fatality rate” (I’m just spit-balling here).

Hope some of this is helpful. If there’s anything else I can do, you know where to find me.

I started reading and I like your wordsmithing. The dialogue sounds real but is “slow.”
Actually, the whole first chapter does little to grab the reader. I get a feel of Joe but he’s too much of a regular Joe, not enough to turn the pages.
Remember, thriller means tension on every page and your first chapter has none (or much too little). Also, you start with a few line of Joe reading and then go into backstory. I would suggest to do the chapter chronologically…Joe repossesses the Sentra, finds the notebook and starts reading…keep it linear.
Ch 2 is basically focused on reading the notes. While it gives the needed info on the “threat,” the virus, id does little to advance the main story. You’re losing the reader. I understand that the stuff’s important but too much in one place. Reader expects action and by the end of second chapter there’s none.
Ch 3 introduces new characters, nicely done but just a little too much telling and not enough showing. By the end of it I don’t know why I should care about these characters. How do they tie into the plot…and what’s the plot?
Ch 4 brings new characters. That’s okay but… You market yours as a thriller, though you’re doing it more as a mystery. Also, your POV switches from Fuller to the Pesedniks. Agents/editors advise against that.
I gotta stop…must run to the store. Your writing’s nice and the voice clear (I like that) but the story doesn’t grab me, the way a thriller’s supposed to. You need more tension and action in the beginning. Readers who buy thrillers don’t care much about the quality of the writing (see Clancy, Brown, Silva, Patterson…even Uris or Ludlum), they want a story that’s gonna make them sweat.
Maybe: Start with Joe following the car (HH is driving), a black sedan stop the Sentra, Two guys get out and shot the Dr. As police sirens are heard, the assassins run away. Joe goes to see if he can help. Before dying, she hands him the notebook.
I know, standard stuff, but that’s what readers of thrillers want.
Stay focused on Joe. If you need other characters have him witness what’s going on. Stay in his POV.
Good luck. I’ll back it in a few hours, when I can clear my shelf.

The Virus
The author has supplied everything it takes to glue the readers to the page with this plot and character development. The pace is what readers would expect of such a genre and the idea is fascinating. Our hero has such potential and allows readers to know him enough to care about what will happen next and who is involved.
I too agree I would drop the opening and start with him on the job. I might downplay the phone conversation about smoking with his son in chapter 1. A little goes a long way to establish their relationship. The manuscript does need some tightening-- color of notebook, example, is yellow, orange too often. Let us warm to what he's found, then as he sees it, let us see the detail.
Certainly stared and will shelf as soon as possible, Good luck.
Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

Six Stars! Great book. Hope you get published and a movie is made. One criticism-Pesednik is spelled Posednik and Pesednik. Are you a White Sox fan? (Scotty Posednik) Great job!

You've come up with one of the most original and intricate plots I've seen around here. It does need some grammar work but like you said, you know that. From a readers standpoint, you've got a nice hook and a great writing style. It's got the right pacing and excitement for a thriller. It held my interest, that's what is important to me. I liked the characters and your dialogue felt real, and you use the dialogue to move the story along. It's not all chunks of narrative and info dumps. I think you've got something here that works and that will be popular, it's something a lot of people would read. Government conspiracies and old secret projects always win me over! Nice job and good luck with your book!

Missy

Emmett, you must have an amazing mind to have come up with this premise. I'm never sure which way things are going to twist - good for a thriller. What's good is that your writing doesn't get in the way of the story, it's a vehicle to help you follow. Good job

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Hi, Emmett. I couldn’t help myself and decided to start from the beginning, rather than chapter 2. Of course, I will still send you my thoughts on chapter 2 as I’m rather opinionated ;-)

Anyway, here we go with chapter 1: This is a good start. You have all the right ingredients in here for a good story, and you have set up your MC well. He his likeable, but with flaws. I always like a character that has flaws, with distinctive likes and dislikes. If they don’t have this they can come across as not real, a 2-dimensional character that is the perfect man, but not someone I want to read about. But with your MC, Joe comes across as 3-dimensional, and very real. If anything I picture him looking like your avatar. The guy sitting on the motor-bike, and in Joe’s case with a cigarette hanging from his mouth.

I also got a good sense of what Joe’s son was like through the dialogue. My only suggestion in regards to chapter one in line with making it even better is to do with the six paragraphs telling us about Joe and his background. I think it would flow better if some of this information was interspersed throughout the dialogue as well as drip feed to the reader further down in your text. Tying it to some action would also work well.

Examples of where to place certain information: When Joe goes to reprocess the car you can let us know he’s a repro man here, which flows naturally with his actions. And in relation to mentioning about his son’s mother, this could be linked to the phone conversation with his son.

As said above, this is a good start. My only comments relate to structure. Everything else works well, the choice of words were good, the description of settings gave me a sense of place, your dialogue was natural, and there were no noticeable typos to pull me out of the story.

Chapter 2 coming to you soon ... in a day or two :-) All the best, Marita.

There is drama by the bucket load here; it keeps the reader rivetted to the page. I didn't expect the two old people [ch. 4 ] to get a bullet in the head. That was scarey.

Accurate formatting and structure makes this an easy and enjoyable read.

Good Luck
Mary

Emmet – I found your plot line to be very clever. You have done a good job with character development and their underlying motives. I once knew a repo man who lived in our neighborhood – I did not realize what his work involved. Very interesting.

I do think you are at the top of your game with this story. It was suspenseful and a page turner. It had me wanting to sit and keep reading until I had finished – not too many books on this site have had that effect on me! You certainly know how to keep the interest up all through the writing.

There were a couple of places where you could tighten up the sentences but that is your call. I am sure as you read and re read your manuscript you will continue to polish until it shines. I see that a reader before me has left you some very valuable information and has taken the time to do a lengthy review.

Best wishes to you with this. It reminded me a lot of a John Grisham story.

Jennifer

I just read the opening of THE VIRUS.

I think you should delete the first two paragraphs and start off with "The repo man . . ." That paragraph presents some nice imagery and descriptive language, whereas the first paragraph in the current draft is disorienting. Moreover, it's not very tight from a structural/grammatical standpoint. The second paragraph is fine from a grammatical standpoint, but it's not quite as strong as the third paragraph (at least in this reader's opinion). Indeed, the second paragraph is also a bit disorienting because you throw the reader into a hazy street, but where? London? Bangkok? a small town in Kansas?

The third paragraph, however, introduces a character, a place, contains nice descriptive language, and contains a modicum of action (i.e., a moving vehicle, a clattering engine). To me, it seems like a good way to start a story. Regardless, remove the comma from the last sentence in the third paragraph. Also, consider "a box of tools shaking violently" rather than "a violently shaking box of tools." Just personal preference.

Change "A cell phone rings, he responds" to something more precise. After all, it's not any old cell phone, or some ambiguous anyman cellphone, or a Pavlovian dog type response to a ringing bell. It's Joe's cellphone. Also, I think "answer" or "picks it up" or something along those lines would be a bit more precise then "responds". With "responds," it conjures the image that he shouts out into the air "Joe Kelly" when the phone rings. Either way, as written, it's a comma splice.

I can hear in my head a man answering the phone "Joe Kelly!" but it's confusing on the written page. You know how it's supposed to sound, but a reader has to stop to think about how it's supposed to sound and you don't want your reader to have to stop to think about anything. You need to play with dialogue, both with the words and the tags, to make it create the desired effect. In other words, make your dialogue fool proof. The way you have it, a reader can envision a phone ringing (somewhere) and some guy shouting, not necessarily into the phone, "Joe Kelly" as the ringing phone continues to ring in his pocket, or the cup holder, or the passenger seat (let alone the fact that it's "a" cell phone, so it might not even be in the truck. Alternatively, a reader can't get confused as to what is happening if the line is something like,

"He fumbles for the cell phone vibrating in his cup holder and hits the speaker button.

'Joe Kelly here; how can I help ya?'

This is just meant as an example though; play with the language to get the desired effect.

So he's talking on the phone with one hand and fumbling with a pack of smokes with the other. How's he driving? This is why I added the detail about speaker phone. Otherwise, maybe give us the detail that he's guiding the steering wheel with his knee. That could show us the kind of guy Joe is.

You don't need all of the tags throughout the dialogue (e.g., "replied Jeff Kelly"; "asked Jeff") because there are only two speakers, so we know who is saying what.

The clause "in the direction of his first address to check" is a bit cumbersome and I'm not sure it adds much. Consider cutting it or rephrasing it.

The dialogue generally sounds real.

Instead of "Member" as shorthand for "remember" I believe it should be 'member (i.e. place an apostrophe before the "m" and make the "m" lower case. Similarly, change the period between "Thursday" and "Member" to a comma.

I don't know what a "pan-roll" is and other readers might not either, so it's a little bit confusing to use jargon so early in the text. Also, what's "Vinings"? If it was shorthand for "Vining's house/place", you should insert an apostrophe.

The part of the dialogue about recovering more cars than any police officer feels a bit contrived, as though you are more concerned with providing the reader with information than relating a conversation between father and son. The way it is, it sounds a little too "Leave it to Beaver" for me. Like, "gee whiz, dad, you're the best." Maybe you can soften the edges up a little bit like this: "Uncle Buck says you recover more cars than the sheriff's department. Is that true?"

Regardless, the exclamation points in Joe's response seem out of place. One would think Joe would be more nonchalant in his response. As written, it makes Joe sound manic.

Joe can't "scowl" words, so modify that tag on the dialogue. Instead, insert a period within the quotation; then write "Joe scowled." (Sort of like you did with "Kelly laughs"). Or delete "Joe scowled", for the scowl is somewhat implied with the "Quit worrying so damn much." The dialogue does a good job on its own to convey the feeling.

"Everybody would be healthier, that's for damn sure" is a comma splice.

As a general observation, I find the use of present tense somewhat awkward. It's not wrong, but it's unconventional, so unless you've decided to write your text in present tense for some specific purpose, it's a decision worth reconsidering.

I hope these comments are somewhat helpful. You do a really good job developing your protagonist in the opening paragraphs.

Rob
(Aralen Dreams)

' The Virus'

I for one was totally engaged with your writing. The pace puts the reader straight into the story and I think that as a writer you have a storytelling gift.
You have a vivid imagination and a talent for putting it into words.

Jane
'Breath in the Dark'

On chapter four and really, really like your book. You have a way of getting the reader to turn the page.

Great cover and first chapter! I love the whole big-brother thing you started with.

Ok, you have some interesting ideas going on here that have potential for a strong narrative, but good ideas do not translate automatically into sound structure. You have to structure a “thriller” in a way that engages the reader from the beginning. Unfortunately (in my opinion) your structure is way off for a “thriller.” This starts out reading more like a literary novel: meaning you spend too much of your time (word count) on exposition and character development details that have little do with pushing your plot forward. You also have a tendency to dissect your scenes mechanically. You should try to avoid breaking scenes down into body movements, because if it remains a habit, over time, it will eat up your word count. Gloss over the trivial details (write economically), and save your word count for scenes and details that move your plot swiftly along. Moving your plot quickly and descriptively is essential to the action “thrill” genre.

Character development in a thriller (action-oriented) novel should take place with a little more brevity and art. Remember, in a thriller, the action and plot “is” the main character. The character is less important as what the character is doing, or the situation he finds himself in. In a literary or character driven plot, you can spend more time sketching out little character details—in action though you want to build and exciting plot. No one read the Matrix to find out what kind of cigarettes the hero smoked, or what kind of computer he had. So that action reader does not really care about the the kind of truck the hero drives, or what Uncle Buck has to say. Those kinds of details should be woven in quickly, not dwelt on in every paragraph. Sorry-its just a fact of the genre that it needs to move along at an engaging pace.

So for a thriller, weaving character and plot development “subtly” into the “action” is all important in this genre. There are a lot of exciting novels and you have to be able to compete with. You will not compete well, or catch the attention of an editor or publisher in this genre if the most exciting event in your first two chapters is the character drifting into the wrong lane in traffic, and if the most dangerous event is that he is talking on the phone while driving.

In chapter one, you flash back form “note reading.” You should consider finding the point in your story where the rising action, or climatic event takes place, and start with that--then flash back to more brief details that build the drama, setting, reveal obstacles, context, and so forth. This is a “thriller,” so start with a “thrill”—not a note book entry. I think you should consider revising your first two chapters and reducing them to a few paragraphs, outlining the beginning. Start with a low revelation to action ratio; just a few details that point to the rising action or critical mass (such as an explosion or a death) is all that is needed. It may not be what you want to hear, but in my opinion, you can’t avoid editing this down. It moves too slowly for a thriller. By the end of the first or second chapter your reader should be breathless and engaged, this materail leave me yawning and wanting something exciting to happen. You can't let the first two chapters go by without grabbing your readers. They won't read this far unless you give them something to hold on to. You need to boil the plot line down to the events that make up your main action sequences--reveal them artfully, placing more emphasis on developing the plot and less time on trivial details. If you want to write with an old fashion straightforward narrative form then fine—but do so perhaps with the character approaching the car. Give the reader enough of a visual led up to provide us with the info that he is a repo men, then get the notebook in his hands somehow, show some realization as to the context of what he is reading, then move forward quickly to discussing it with someone with greater knowledge. Then perhaps it will be a good time for some rising action thrown in his lap, more resolve on his part, more rising action, obstacles, and so forth until you conclude. The point is to make this move faster.



You may want to write from an outline, make one if you do not have one, to stay on track. List all the important plot developments intrinsic to the rising action and the obstacles to you hero, the assign them in the order that they occur to your chapters. That way you'll kow if you are lingering too long in a chapter without accomplishing anything relavant to the plot. With an outline you know you are off track if your chapter is getting long and you have not accomplish your plot point for the chapter yet. Its pretty strightforward.

I say this because your second chapter is put forward basically in the form of a note book entry. For a “thriller” you are revealing way too much in the form of note books entries. This is not a compelling structure for the modern thriller. Imagine if this book was made into a movie—your first twenty minutes of your movie would be your character reading from a notebook. You must visuallize your narrative as if it is unfolding in screen play form in your mind, and write in such as way as to keep up with the action you would want to see if this were a play or movie. Weave the details in artfully--do not stop and ask your reader to bare with you as your character reads a notebook to reveal plot and rising action that should be reveal “in the action” of the character.



For example in the first chapter:

“blinks his eyes to assure..” and all that. This is the kind of small, dissecting the action details that can eat up your word count if you don’t pay attention to it. You can’t write like this all the way through an action novel, or you’ll never get anywhere. In action/thriller, these kinds of details are important when it’s intrinsically related to the plot. If your hero is a room full of natural gas that’s getting ready to explode and you want to show him blinking his eyes as he realizes that doom is near, that’s great. But if you try to describe every little body movement (as a matter of prose style) then you are missing the point of action/thriller genre, and entering into a more literary style. You need to strike a better balance between the two. You lean heavily toward wordy exposition, and not enough toward the action.

“Ford F-450”, “potentially deafening to most drivers,_ “it means simple he must play his talk radio a little louder….” All this is small details. The reader does not need to know what kind of truck it is unless it is going to be really important later in the story that it was a Ford super charged or whatever—it just does not matter. It does not matter that is “potentially deafening to others.” This style is an attempt at a literary voice and level of details that does not serve you in action writing. It only slows you down. Indicate somehow that the truck is loud, and show your character (in action) turning up the volume. This will provide the reader with situational info, and provides some quick artful character development: namely that this character is the kind of guy that is likely just to turn the radio up when his truck is making a lot of noise. lol That’s all that is needed here and can be done in one or two sentences rather than a whole paragraph. That’s a lot of words off your count that are going toward superfluous details that get you nowhere in relation to an action plot.

“He tosses a pack of camels….rolls into the vent.” Joe turns of perimeter highway… unto Paces Ferry Road, first address and so forth. Uncle Buck and so forth… more stolen cars than any police officer… and so forth. “ it would be like prohibition..” “outlaw those friggin things… everyone would be healthier…that for damn sure…and so on. Are you serious? Way too much idle character development for action/thriller. This sort of material should be hinted at here and there sporadically throughout the ACTION. In this case it makes up the whole first chapter of your book. Move on with your plot weave this stuff in, a little here and there.


“Aspiration steer him in the direction of criminal justice…” this should not be in the narration. Do not stop your action narrative to tell your reader (in the narration) that your character is aspiring to go into criminal justice. You’re supposed to be narrating “the action,” not his hopes and dreams for the future. If it’s important to the plot, you can hint artfully to his aspirations with a college text book on criminal justice in the seat next to him. Artfully is the key. Show us with clues what his dreams are. But give us these small details in little bits along with a healthy dose of action, not instead of action.


In brief,

I would edit with a keen eye for economy of expression—show the details that push the plot, lean toward action, not exposition. I only read the first two chapters, which are slow in my opinion—but the premise is sound. Find your rising action and start with that--something captivating--then weave in your back ground material, going light on character development, and leaning more in the direction of plot development. If you stick to that philosophy as regards the thriller novel, this can really shine. You have a strong overall voice, and story telling skills-and your premise is compelling. You just need (in my opinion) to hone your intuition on how to structure a action/thriller manuscript. Goodluck with it. I wihs you the best. Enjoyed what I’ve read.


blueboy

The reader is haulded straight into the action here. We know, as a repo man, Joe's day is never going to be the mundane 9 to 5; so when he comes across the hidden journal it seems just part of the job. My heart was beating too as Joe discovered the gravity of the diarised info.
Good writing style. The precise formatting and paragraph structure makes for very comfortable and easy reading. I like the caring relationship between father and son. I also found the extra little bits of detail [Ch. 2. "Joe leaned his seat back a notch..." ] for example, quite clever.

Good Luck with this; it's very good.

I am never comfortable commenting on a book on the strength of a few chapters, but as that seems to be the name of the game, here goes.

First off, you are a storyteller, my favourite kind of write and you have made me determined to keep on reading. The protagonist Joe we first meet is unusual and, unlike so many heros on this website, he is not too good to be true. You also make the universe he inhabits seem vivid.

I aim to read only one Authonomy chapter a day as not to get too distracted from my own stuff, but I got through three chapters before I forced myself to stop. Look forward to starting again.

You nearly lost me in the conversation that started the first chapter, I began to wonder if this guy was worth persevering with (glad I did though). Maybe the typography did not help what with the paragraph spaces and indentations. Chapter three for some reason has clearer typography. I know that what looks good on one PC looks crap on another but it is unusual to have two different styles in one document.

When we get to the note book, I had to stop myself skipping as your positioning piece had already given the game away. I think that there is too much of it all in one go.

As a novice writer I find myself watching for the kind of pitfalls I tend to splat into. Just how to describe a new character to the reader is always a tough thing but I am worried when an author introduces a lady as 'stunningly beautiful.' it is the kind of thing one might say to another person but somehow it strikes a wrong note. Maybe if you wrote that someone else though that she was stunningly beautiful then that says something about both characters. As it is the third paragraph of the third chapter reads like a briefing note. Also that paragraph makes seem so damn perfect and unreal.

Anyway enough of the niggles, good luck!

The opening is soooo important and I struggled a little with yours. My own preference would be to go straight into the story rather than set the tension. However if you do use it, perhaps consider:

“Could this be true? What was the virus referred to in the notebook? Something about it said this wasn’t just another conspiracy theory. Life as he knew it would never be the same.” You’ll note I’ve addressed the tense issue in your second sentence. By the way the first chapter is present tense and the rest is in the past. In my view the first chapter needs to be consistent with the rest.

By the end of the first chapter, I’m convinced you don’t need the opening para. I’m already hooked.

In chapter 2 I particularly like your simile – eyes like metal balls.

I wasn’t going to nitpick, but quite a few places during chapter 3 I noticed the extra commas after speech. If you have an exclamation or question mark, there shouldn’t be a comma too. Also there was at least one place where the comma was outside the speech marks.

At the start of 4 we get the moon is waning because it’s a thin sliver. This sort of duplication may be typical of Dan Brown, but the best advice is to delete unnecessary phrases or risk annoying the reader.

At the end of 4 there’s a classic tell rather than show. (Hey I know I’m bad at doing this and in most thrillers it doesn’t matter only at the end of the chapter I think you miss a trick). The assassin “skilfully despatched”… How about The assassin “double tapped”… or something that shows us he’s a skilful assassin.

This is a gripping thriller with a likeable character – the repo man Joe. There’s good use of language to create atmosphere and the characters are distinctive and interesting. I don’t think the author has quite found his voice, but a few rewrites with some aggressive editing should address this.

Murray (Lost Isis)

Great imagery, plot , prose.
Enjoyed reading this!
Best,
Alison Butler

Emmett, you've got a great story here. A great thriller, I should say! And, we have Joe Kelly, repo man extraordinaire.

Sure, you've mixed tenses -easily straightened. I see CarolinaAl's done a good job pointing to several things like that for you! But the plot you have is sensational - all too real in a conspiracy theory kind of way! I'd like to suggest a few things for you to take or leave - I just want to see you ratch up the tension, then this'll be unstoppable, just like the damn virus itself...

Opening - I'd love to see this start with *The repo man speeds across the Chattahoochee River...." (cutting 1-285 - not really necessary.). Then, I'd drop in the para you have before it - *The streetlights......." I just think it'd kick more ass, as they say. By doing that, mid-kick... I'd also drop that mini-prolog para, honestly. Also from the end para in ch.1. BUT, maybe end the 1st chapter with something like - *Could what he was reading be true or was it a demented conspiracy theory?*

Also, there's a long piece of *info dump* on Joe's background - which maybe could be threaded in later. Not all of it - I'd keep the piece relevant to his son. Great dialog there, by the way. It's just the info kind of slows things too much at this point. All thrillers need a *rest*, a little change of pace, I think, but in my view this is too much too soon.

Now we get to those notes... wow. For now, I'd only say the note "My God, what have we done?" needs to stand out a bit more - so maybe a reaction there from Joe mouthing - "What? What have you done...?" kind of thing. Rack it up!!!

I SHALL read some more as soon as I can, but for now, I'll say this -

You've got a great voice, Emmett, and a plot to match. I hope you don't mind the suggestions, and I'm backing you with stars for the kind of thriller you've produced as rare, I hope, as this virus.

Kay
(Waystation to Prosperity Street)

Good wirting. Backed. Chuck

Thank you Chuck.

Emmett

Good wirting. Backed. Chuck

Emmett, the excitement is starting to build. A wise man once told me to follow the story and don't worry about the technical stuff until later. This really has the potential to be big. I'm going to move it up to my shelf as soon as I get room.

I'm still trying to read myself out of my back log, only doing a chapter or two as I rotate books. Patience, son, and I will finish.

Best of luck,

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

I'm glad you like it and of course I would appreciate the backing. I have always thought I had a great story, from a plot standpoint. I am mindful that I lack some of the skills of editing / punctuation etc,.. I'm a realist and most of all I want it to be at least presentable to a professional when editing becomes the call.

My feedback from those who have read all ten chapters has been very positive in reference to storyline. My critique has come from punctuation mostly and my irratic narrative. I'm aware of these things. Much of my manuscript has had changes made to it which are not reflected here. I want to be able to simply replace a chapter with a chapter so to speak.

I'm anxious to know what you think of further chapters.

Again sir, thank you and happy writing.

Sincerely,

Emmett
(E M Delaney)
-- THE VIRUS

Coming Soon:
MIRACLE IN THE SWAMP

Emmett, the excitement is starting to build. A wise man once told me to follow the story and don't worry about the technical stuff until later. This really has the potential to be big. I'm going to move it up to my shelf as soon as I get room.

I'm still trying to read myself out of my back log, only doing a chapter or two as I rotate books. Patience, son, and I will finish.

Best of luck,

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An intriguing start to what seems to be a captivating story. An engaging, potent main character. Atmospheric, southern descriptions. Good drama/tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) 'What is this virus the notebook's author is talking about?' 'Is' should be 'was' to keep all the writing in this paragraph in the past tense.
2) "Hey, Jeff, what's kicking son?" Comma after 'kicking.' Same thing with "Yeah. I remember Jeff." Comma after 'remember.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more caes of this type of problem.
3) " ... and do up some ribs," replied Jeff Kelly. 'Replied' should be 'replies' to keep this conversation in the present tense. There are many more cases of past tense dialogue tags that should be present tense.
4) "Quit worrying so damn much," scowled Joe. Period after 'much' and rewrite 'scowled Joe' to 'Joe scowls.' 'Scowled Joe' isn't a dialogue tag (tells who said something). It's narrative that tells who did something. Therefore, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a period, and the narrative is written as a complete sentence (in present tense to keep everything the same).
5) Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.
6) 'With dad away at night Jeff had ...' Capitalize 'dad.' In this context, 'dad' is a proper noun and should be capitalized. If you write 'my dad' or 'his dad,' then 'dad' is a common noun and isn't capitalized. Also, comma after 'night.' Introductory phrases are always offset with a comma.
7) 'The car he was looking at while talking to his son sat parked, facing out, ...' 'Sat' should be 'sits' to keep the writing in present tense. There are many more cases of mixing past and present tense in this chapter (and probably in your manuscript). It's best to keep all the writing in one tense.
8) ' ... his life would be changed, forever' is foretelling. Foretelling takes some of the drama and energy out of your story. Readers like to experience events as they occur. They like surprises and twists. Consider not foretelling.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for recommending "Savannah Passion" in your profile. I'm grateful for your support.

Have a fine day.

Happy holidays.

Al