Crossed

This is a good read. The pace keeps up nicely and there are humourous touches as well as plenty of intrigue. Well written.
Lara
A RELATIVE LOSS

You've cleverly wound the vampire thread around the motivations, embarrassments and emotions of teens. Well done. I think you will find a publisher for this.
Lara

A RELATIVE INVASION

Good character development with Alfie. I believe this book has great potential. At the same time I wasn't interested in reading past the first chapter. Maybe I just don't get excited about the character dating someone. I think you do well at pointing out the inner struggle Alfie has. Be careful of spacing. Also at one point you used the word bed instead of bend.

An interesting and promising pitch... so I took a (very) quick look. Can't stay long...

Funny how since his name's Alfie, I can't take him serious. I wonder if that was the point. It's a childish name, which suits the child that won't grow up.

Good job on introducing the concepts (glamour etc.) subtly, without it being a list. Some grammatical issue with teh first sentence, I think because of too many 'ing' verbs that have no subject. Threw me off a bit.

I'd like a bit more of a hook in the pitch. Yes, they're pursued and yes, they have nothing to lose... but what are they doing? Fighting back? Running away? Trying to find a place for themselves?

Lastly, a common comment for me, watch for subtle breaking of the POV. In Alfie's case, it might be justified (he does have a high opinion of himself...) but if his is the POV, then perfectly formed abdomen (really? abdomen or abs?) and the beautiful nose (or something like that) are out of place. People don't tend to think/comment on their OWN appearance. Need an outsider for that.

But it does kind of fit for him! Gotta run now.


Shakat
Stand

Crossed was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. I read the 1st couple of chapters and Loved it! I'm happy to place you on my shelf. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side and find a place for it on your shelf. Thanks. Sue50

Backed Crossed. Loved It! Jilted vampire, a psychotic faery mother, and a mob of angry gypsies- irresistible to fangfans like us. You weaved a spell with words that draws the reader in from the first paragraph! Recommending your tale to friends on Authonomy who love urban fantasy. Hope you will find time to take a look at our book Dark Side.
CC Brown

Ch 1
The first few graphs are a marvellous little drama of allure. I was instandly and absolutely envious of Alfie. O to possess such potency...even for a day...hell, an hour wld do! Your writing bounds along like a strong and youthful pulse, full of confidence and good humour. Alfie's self-confidence is also enviable. Surely nothing can stop him. But something is after him it seems. Cld it be her, the she-obstacle who kept him from his fix earlier. Is she already drinking her fill from said sheep? But then if she were surely he wld have sensed one of his kind. Is he to become her prey, pray tell.
I will come back for another bite anon.
Meanwhile if I can tempt you to taste a drop of WATCHING SWIFTS I will devour your story whole ... in an ecstasy of sanguine pleasure *bows*

What the hell? Why not? I'm going to have a read on the strength of your cover because ... I like it. I like that there are two of the damn crosses, too. And I like the original crosses of that kind, they remind me of the glorious history of the British Isles ... and I like Celtic decorative work. I also like the title. I have no idea how I will get on with your story. But if your writing has the same appeal as your cover all may be well. I am behaving subjectively here! But what the hell? Why not?
Orlando Furioso
WATCHING SWIFTS

Smoothly written, stylish, fast paced and amusing. Lots of hooks to keep the reader turning the page. This is all set up for an intriguing and entertaining read. Much luck with it.

J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon

Enjoyed reading the first chapter, this is well written and enticing.
The character of Alfie is well drawn out and leaves the reading wanting to know more about him.
I like the line "Better a live chicken than a dead lion"
There was one typo I noticed you say 'bed' instead of 'bend' just a minor nit pick, otherwise the prose was perfect.
Well done,
Jacoba

I've devoured three chapters, and think this a wonderful story. To be backed and recommended. Not even a typo to quibble about. Very well done indeed. Marj.

well thought out piece; original narrative style- effective dialogue for this vampire tale: this is on my watchlist, sure to back...
read SEASONS...

Carolyn,
What a great start. Loved the chemistry between Alfie and Rho and the characterisation of all four. The dialogue is very real and the humour, particularly with Alfie, very amusing. Cracking pace too. Was entertained by the antics of these Fae folk and would have continued reading byond ch7 if there had been more. W/L'd and rated for now. Good luck with this...although I'm sure that you don't need it...

Babs

Carolyn,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The italics to highlight the mind's eye also works

The dialogue has compression but what really works is the amount of lingo you insert there (i.e."walloping great prat" - frame that one) which add freshness and makes it distinctive...

...so kudos for you

The jewel of the narrative however is the psychological map of your central character, Alfie. The ebbs and flows as he goes about reconciling the narcissism with the self doubt, the wishes with the pauses....

......and she does his psychological map shows.

Some of my favorites:

"Gah, so close" "uhh well, you were, uh, swearing"
This works because by introducing vocal sounds into the dialogue, you are introducing expressive elements, that make description unnecessary

"scanning once, twice...."
By counting rather that labeling, the reader counts with you, therefore inserting himself in the act...of counting

"eyelids pulse in a vibrant rainbow"
I have never seen this which is why I liked for, If wanted to read about things I have already seen, I would take the subway...lol


Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

"point of indecency" "brows knit in fury"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he describes...the reader feels

"perfectly formed" "lovely scent" "mere thought" "sweet pink lips" "awesome spells"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

Thanks for your comments. I haven't had much time this past week to read much - work is crazy - but I plan to read more of your story soon.

CROSSED

Dear carolyn,
This is not my genre however it is so well written that I continued reading and backed it.
The sentences are varied, so there is a rhythm to the writing. The dialogue reflects different characters.
There is a nice pacing to the unfolding story.
Well done.
a zoomer

CROSSED

Dear carolyn,
This is not my genre however it is so well written that I continued reading and backed it.
The sentences are varied, so there is a rhythm to the writing. The dialogue reflects different characters.
There is a nice pacing to the unfolding story.
Well done.
a zoomer

Chapter 1

Very nice opening chapter. Alfie is definitely a lively character. Will have to read more to find out about the others. As I read, I jotted down a few observations/thoughts. Perhaps you'll find them useful, perhaps not.

I know this chapter is from Alfie's POV; however, I thought the bit with his "tight t-shirt," "perfectly formed abs," "narrow hips," "perfectly sculpted nose," would've been a descriptor as to how the girls across the street viewed him. I know he was trying to impress them, but I'm not sure if a guy would describe/think of himself in that way.

" peacock display" Loved this bit as well as the sheep and sheperd comparison. Women, especially young women, are excactly like that when they are in a group, which is why many guys avoid going into such a den.

"For the second time in as many days . . ." You started two consecutive sentences in the same way. I didn't know if it was deliberate, so I thought it would be worth mentioning.

You tend to have additional or unnecessary spaces (2-3) between sentences. I believe one space is now the generally accepted rule between sentences in novels. But also check spacing between words. For example, "Better a live chicken than a dead lion." You have an additional space between the words live and chicken. Really small in the grand scheme of things, but also easy to fix.

Thanks for taking the time to back and comment on Death and Destiny. I very much appreciate your suggestions.

Natalie

You write wonderfully -- a wonderful gift for description although you might want to try and rein it in a little bit. Lots of hair colors flying around in the first two chapters I read. I also found myself longing for some dialogue - while Alfie and Rho's point of view is interesting - and you really imagine what it must be like for them, the reader needs a bit of a break between all those paragraphs in their heads. And I felt it when Rho encounters Fae. I think bringing some dialogue in earlier will keep the reader (well, me at least) interested. Good stuff - and certainly an audience for this genre so best of luck!

Dear Carolyn, I your wonderful plot of these characters & I especially love precious Alfie, as portrayed in your plot in your pitch. :) Tight paragraphs & dialogue zoomed me right through chapter 7. :) I laughed when Alfie hid in a maple tree of a racoon's abandoned nest :) - in my memoirs, I tell about when I was young & being able to climb our neighbor's maple tree higher than anyone in the neighborhood, so you triggered memories in me. :) Alfie stole the show in your story & is #1 in my mind :) - he never gives up, no matter what. :) I have read, commented on, & put your book on my watchlist, to back for at least 24 hours when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted, but written my best from my heart. :)

Well written example of the genre with plenty of original features :)

:) comment to follow after I've read your book - read & commented on 11 hours later :)