Dinetah Dragon

For me, this work is something that should be published now. I would love to turn the pages as the book rests in my hands.
This is not only a story that is powerfully written but also challenges readers to examine reality. I have six starred this and look with anticipation to future works.
It is on my shelf.
Bendiciones,
Eva

Great writing. Really. Usually I have to strain to see the story beginning to be woven in the first chapters, but you write with...a purpose. Yes, that's it: a purpose.
I also love the mixture of mythology and the modern world. Almost reminiscent of American Gods. I like how clear you make your intentions with this story. Every paragraph is leading the story forward, and keeps the reader engaged. I was going to comment on your pitch, and say that you could stand to make it slightly more intriguing, but reading the tone of your story I don't think it is necessary. Up to you.

You have a great narrative going, excellent word choice, and though some people may tell you that the story's "been done" don't get discouraged. You find your talent in taking an age-old idea and making it new and original, and perhaps most importantly, exciting and beautiful.

Rated and backed.

Your writing really grabbed me from the start. I try to do the same in my writings as well. I enjoyed watching Ariel coming into herself. Cole's death was tragic and well written. Death scenes can be hard and I felt you pulled it off well. Then bringing him back to life - well done. Truely enjoyed your story.

Malachi King

For me, this work is something that should be published now. I would love to turn the pages as the book rests in my hands.
This is not only a story that is powerfully written but also challenges readers to examine reality. I have six starred this and look with anticipation to future works.
It is on my shelf.
Bendiciones,
Eva

this is different, it would fit folk stories quite well... keep me posted on progress

Great writing. Really. Usually I have to strain to see the story beginning to be woven in the first chapters, but you write with...a purpose. Yes, that's it: a purpose.
I also love the mixture of mythology and the modern world. Almost reminiscent of American Gods. I like how clear you make your intentions with this story. Every paragraph is leading the story forward, and keeps the reader engaged. I was going to comment on your pitch, and say that you could stand to make it slightly more intriguing, but reading the tone of your story I don't think it is necessary. Up to you.

You have a great narrative going, excellent word choice, and though some people may tell you that the story's "been done" don't get discouraged. You find your talent in taking an age-old idea and making it new and original, and perhaps most importantly, exciting and beautiful.

Rated and backed.

Hi Don. At very long last, here are my comments on the first four chapters of Dinetah Dragon. As always, a pinch of salt is recommended as well as retaliation should you disagree with any of my impressions and thoughts.

First of all, you write beautifully. That is evident as I have read eagerly through chapters which bear little obvious fantasy, and deal mainly with matters that are far out of my comfort zone. The isolated lives of Navajo single parents, mid-western fundamentalism, rich-bitch slumber parties and lesbian teasing are all well out of my normal reading. Quite brave things to write about in a book that is then a fantasy too. An impressive concept all around.

I have a couple of daft niggles. One is chapter titles – a bit of “Authonomy editing”. Don’t double up your chapter titles, i.e. don’t leave them in the uploaded text as well as the Authonomy field for chapter title. That’s just annoying. Then I spotted that there shouldn’t be a comma after “GAO” or after “point out” – and then whoooosh! I was swept away by your tale and forgot to nitpick.

I have a couple of broader comments. I like the “journalist seeking secrets” beginning – but I can’t help but feel a little underwhelmed by the level of threat arising from these enquiries. I’d more likely expect the dispatch to be one sent to a friend to be opened in case of untimely demise. I’d also expect a little more scepticism on behalf of your journalist self. I have watched too many episodes of the X Files.

Then, I was a little unsure about the ease with which the interview was arranged (and the subsequent frankness of the interviewee). And then by the fact that there was so little reaction to (or explanation about) the “flying toddler” (quite difficult to picture) or to the question as to whether Ariel’s physical appearance was appropriate.

Overall, that first chapter is I think the one most needing a polish.

Then, in Chapter 4, I was disturbed by the insert about the interview process. It jarred. Although I knew this was all an interview, the fact that your narrative is so engrossing means that aspect is forgotten and needs to be brought in sooner. Perhaps at the beginning of Chapter 2 there should be a little scene setting – of Ariel settling down to tell her tale. Perhaps throughout there should be little inserts indicating discomfort on Ariel’s behalf, the interviewer’s attempts to gain trust, or Ariel’s own attempts to gain the trust of the interviewer, or start manipulating him for what she reveals will I’m sure soon become quite extraordinary. A bit of cat and mouse psychology revealed by playwright-like directions perhaps.

Anyway. This is a superb read and I shall be returning for more in due course. I must break away to honour my other promisees on the long list, but I am definitely intrigued. You have given me a great desire to read more and I feel that is as much as a reader could ever want from a book.

Best of luck with this. Cheers, TRM.

Hello there, I'm here to have a read of your book. It's not quite the kind of fantasy I read but I'm willing to give it a go. As always what follows is just my own (nonsensical) observations and you are free to use them/ not use them as you see fit.

Wow, exceptionally well written! Very easy to just lose yourself in the story.

However...I'm finding the opening set-up a little jarring. I can see why it has to be a flashback, but the opening just distanced me a little too much. Totally up to you though on what you want to write.

Chapter one- I'm a lot more engrossed here. Might even say drop the prologue, but then I don't know how important it is that this story is Ariel's told via Dan, rather than just Ariel's.

Reading on, I have very little else to say, really. You've really got a strong narrative style going. Well done!

Not sure this helps you an awful lot but generally it's top stuff. Good voice, interesting set up, lovely descriptions and settings, and good characters.

Good luck and all the best!

Sam241

I’ve seldom read a more professionally written book on this site. The narrative and dialogue are tight, focused and evocative. I only have a few nitpicks and had to search really hard for them. This is an excellent opening and I hope you do well with the book. Backed.

Nitpicks:
My Freedom of Information Act request in hand, I contacted the GAO, and after about three weeks’ worth of bureaucratic wrangling I received the records I had been looking for: defence spending spreadsheets for the past ten years.
I should point out, these were about as dry of reading as you can imagine, so (night) after( night) of poring over giant lists of expenditures for manpower, equipment and other such expenses started to get tedious after the first few (nights.) It was on the fourth (night) that I found something interesting.
The above sentences are so long they’re practically paragraphs in their own right. There’s also some repetition in the second sentence. Suggest breaking them up a little and eliminating some of the repetitions. For example: My Freedom of Information Act request in hand, I contacted the GAO. After about three weeks worth of bureaucratic wrangling I received the records I’d been looking for…
I should point out, these were about as dry of readings as you can imagine. So night after night of poring over giant lists of expenditures for manpower, equipment and other such expenses started to get tedious. It was on the fourth night I found something interesting.

…she had made the most of what technology tried to play God on with her. This is a bit clunky, maybe: …she had made the most of whatever technology had tried to play God with her.

Hello,

So I read 4 chapters with pleasure. On first sight, the word "Dragon" caught my interest. As far, no dragon appearance...

STORY LINE
I think I can say I have like the story so far and I really appreciate the important values you are trying to give: family, faith in a higher power and determination in trials despite rejection from society. The young Ariel is living such bad experience from the start to the time she's called up to college. But she fights it her own way, without violence, just by ignoring the troublemakers. I can see that a strong personality is build up, maybe not as strong as her mother like she said but definitely stronger than those young children or high schoolers. It is like her only highschool friend says "When God opens the escape hatch, take it". Throught pain and trials, she finally found her way to happiness. I'll see if that is the case in the next chapter...

WRITING & STYLE
The writing is quite good. I couldn't find any tweak. The prose is good and accurate. The description are not too long, not too short, just what we need, as readers, to appreciate the telling of Ariel story. Her feelings felt real, like if we were with Mr Martinez at the time.
The few dialogues lines are never useless and filled with signification. I know for a fact that it is the problem sometimes (I personally used too much dialogues in my story...). So that's another positive point.

Now, maybe it's missing something, some action to get the reader really into the story. Not that the story of young Ariel isn't interesting but a tint of adrenaline would boost the story.

Your book is in my watchlist and will make it to my bookshelf now!

Cheers, J