Cain Bone Whittled

I've read all you've posted without pause. Exceptional writing - you use words with a rare skill - but the strength is in the narrative and this is a book I would like to see do very well. I noted the interest of writers whose opinion I respect, particularly Sandie Zand and Louise Galvin and their admiration for your work is fully justified. You have my support with pleasure.
Jake.

Cain Bone Whittled

Ardin Lalui

Backed after reading your pitches and opening chapter. Am a lover of literary fiction and was drawn to this for that reason, as well as the storyline. Good opening I thought Ardin. The writing is wonderful and confident - I like how you mix formality with informality in your use of language which I think creates a very individualistic style and which makes for a free-flowing pace as well as narrative without the stiffness of more formal language. With this sort of style, the reader is happy to simply go with the flow as it were. The struggles and triumps of Frank in this story appear as early as this opening chapter giving us perhaps an insight into what we are in for, in the rest of the novel. A nice precedent if this capter is anything to go by. Frank appears to be escaping from a woman (poor thing and very sympathetic from the start because of this), and then more sympathy is piled on as he gets onto a fish train and gets stuck to the ice - how gripping a scene for the reader and painful for him! Luckily he is thawed out on being found by the men who use much water on him in the thawing process which makes him feel as if he is being burnt. Cannot identify fully but my fingers were once frost bitten from being out in the cold for too long without gloves on and, they were defrosted in the kitchen sink full of hot water on getting home (!) - and that was as painful as hell so poor Frank. Nice, well-written scene that, and I also enjoyed the encounter with the policeman. The dog an added bonus - genius touch which, with such a simple addition, much more in terms of atmosphere and depth is created just because.
I think the dialogue was also quite effective and suited the station of the minor characters on the fish train, the policeman and so on. Not so hard to believe that in a single short chapter you have me wondering about Frank - why is he trying to escape this woman, who is this woman, and what will he encounter further on his travels? Also, why is is nervous about the police? Why doesn't he have any money?! Why, why, why? Many questions to make the reader very curious about him and therefore interested in him. You have a good recipe here.
Anyway, colourful, gripping, exciting start and you've done well in starting to flesh out your MC. Look forward to reading more to see how the plot develops further in relation to this 12 year old he later encounters.
(Tiny nits: I am no expert, but personally, I didn't like the use of the word "kid" in your long pitch. Maybe it might read better if you change it to "boy". "He was froze solid to the ice..." - should be "frozen"? Also, last line of first chapter - "What price freedom?" - something missing here?)
Good writing, good plot, nice execution - I think you have wonderful talent as a writer - all the best in finding a publisher. More than happy to back this.
Best,
Zan

Ardin -

Cain Bone Whittled - coming on this by chance, I started reading and was struck by the graphic scene in the fish train ... the feeling rushed into his limbs and round his body. Stone taken from stone, skin from arm, muscle form bone. Take them, he thought, take them and wash them ... And then you shift to first person in chapter 2 ... And the old man says, 'I guess we don't gow up at all, as we get old. Just stay the children we always were.' ... The spare style of your writing is riveting. Besides, a deeply spiritual vein runs through ... Virtue feeds on lust ... ah, now. I rated you book highly and placed it on my WL. Feel welcome here, and take it easy, nobody understands the game anymore since they changed the rules this month. But you could try FAQ, the link appears at the bottom of each page here. Just read and enjoy, it will bring you return readings. And rate and back what you like.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

From my reading of chapter 1, I would say Frank is the most appealing character I have come across for yonks. On Authonomy and beyond. I would tag along with him too, just like the dog. He evidently is used to and probably can handle the cops. Am I to understand this is the town where blacks are not allowed.? Well, I can read on and find out.
Your writing has great voice and rhythm. The McCarthy influence can be felt behind the opening paragraphs, but is is not at all imitative and is soon forgotten as your own uniqueness takes over and holds the reader in thrall. Great sense of place. You put me there.
For now, maximum stars and I'll be back for more very soon.

Compelling and polished dialog drive this excellent work. Difficult to fault on any level. I hope it does really well because it really deserves to.

Hello Ardin, "Cane Bone Whittled" offers a penetrating view of the apartheid in South Africa as it affected several well-drawn characters and surely thousands of others. Its vernacular style lends to the rhythm and sense of reality, placing the reader squarely in the scene. The adventures of Frank, Vernon, and other players, told without exaggeration or propaganda, have expanded my understanding of life under those cruel and fearsome conditions, while the emphasis remains on the tale itself and the poignant experiences of the participants. This is a novel that deserves wide readership--one I would readily buy. On my shelf with bright stars,

Bill Carrigan
"The Doctor of Summitville"

Got you out of the red arrow land, Ardin. Have you given up here or is life too engaging? :) Pia

I agree with the praise you have recieved. I am a James Pattersan fan, so the only thing that was missing for me was a description of your MC. With your command of language, I would have been interested to see how you would have approached this. Although I have to say, I write short stories and have to miss out on descriptions of characters at times to keep the word count down. So I guess that statement sounds a bit rich. lol.

There was also a bit of head hopping with the cop on POV in places. Easy to fix if you had a mind to do it.
eg. Cop wasn't sure wheather to believe him.........The cop didn't look as if he believed him.

Like the introduction of the dog. Wins brownie points for me.

Awaiting space on my shelf at the begining of the new year. Prod me if I forget.

Declan

Your writing is as fine as any I've read in a long time, on or off Authonomy, reminds me of Steinbeck, Hemingway, You have a wonderful rhythm to your writing and your choice of words is masterful. I felt pulled right into the story. You didn't describe Frank, the workmen, or the cop, in any detail but I saw them in my mind. I felt the cold, the dog licking his hand. I'm going to shelve this because it is very very good. I'll read more, too. In fact, let me know when it is published.
Caroline / KC Hart
Summer Rose

One of the things I most like about this site is the opportunity to share with and hopefully learn from other writers at a similar stage in development. I find perspective one of the most difficult aspects to maintain - first person, third person. Each has its virtues. Each has its pitfalls. You have shown me how first person perspective still allows opportunity for narration about things your main character would not have witnessed firsthand. I'm happy to have come across this one.

Jedah Mayberry
- Slow Train Comin'

I've read all you've posted without pause. Exceptional writing - you use words with a rare skill - but the strength is in the narrative and this is a book I would like to see do very well. I noted the interest of writers whose opinion I respect, particularly Sandie Zand and Louise Galvin and their admiration for your work is fully justified. You have my support with pleasure.
Jake.

Ch 1
Brilliant writing. I cld see this as I read. And I cld feel it, too. There is immediate intensity and a questions. Who is he? Why is he there? What kind of life has brought him to this? Who was the woman? Why was he running from her? And why the hell is he carrying a bible? Having said all that and despite his parlous condition he seems close to life, closer to life than most normal folk in comfortable, safe lives. So we may learn something from his one-to-one with life. We want to know where he is going? Will he get there? And then what? Many writers try to catch us with violence and sex, they ram it into us like idiots. Finding a character so stuck he can't move is a novel intro. It is also terrifying. But he seems unfazed. He is clearly used to hardship. He makes no fuss when he is freed and he makes no fuss when the cop bears down on him. He is so odd the rail workers don't bother to beat him up and nor does the cop. He is an outsider. What does he know that we don't? I cld see this like the start of a film. In fact it felt more like I was watching a film than reading. The dog is a brilliant stroke. 'His hand hung over the side of the bench and a yellow dog was licking it.' As you do! This is moving and vivid. But it is also a spiritual point which no camera can catch or convey perhaps. So too, no camera can catch the notion of him being alive between two frozen books. Is that the nature of books? Cold, dead? Is the point, that even a drifter has more life in him than the best of books? Will be back for more anon.
Ron

Backed Cain Bone Whittled. Good start. Solid plot and interesting characters. Suggestion: needs a good proofing. We just took suggestions from readers on Authonomy and did a rewrite of our book.
Examples:
1. In first paragraph of first chapter the word “god” should be capitalized-“God .”
2. First paragraph, third sentences begins -We all of us have... -might be changed to –We all have.. or All of us have...
3. The ice melted and refroze and his back and legs were stuck to it. -needs a comma- The ice melted and refroze, and his back and legs were stuck to it.
Good luck,
CC Brown
Dark Side

I put this book on my shelf a couple of days ago for the rainwashed bone, the steel slap, the understatement of ‘a tight spot’ and a liking for novels that look through the slats of boxcars. Lovely melancholic tone to this and lilt to your narration. Your first chapter is full of hints and leaves me wanting to follow the enigmatic Frank and his yellow dog. I’ll come back for more. I see why Sandie recommended it.

Lean writing, not a word unnecessary or misplaced. Multi-layered - I feel only to have scratched the surface. A book that calls to be revisited from time to time and will yield even more. I have read all that you have written so far and will be interested to see how it develops. There is something indefinable about this which makes me think that it could do exceptionally well.

Ardin this is pure and simple genius. Exquisite. The sense of soul and bone pulled right through -- got into my own heart while reading your work. I don't say this lightly. Damn fine writing. Brilliant first chapter. Six stars, watched and on my shelf as soon as I get a space. thx so very much for bringing your Cain Bone Whittled to my attention. I am blown away. K x

This is lovely. If Tom Waits wrote novels, this would be it. Backed and recommended to others.

~ Sandie

Cheers man!!

Ardin

Great opening chapter. Totally gripped. Enjoy the lean style of writing. The small details spoke volumes about character, setting and mood. Can't wait to read chapter 2 and so forth.

David

Ardin

Great opening chapter. Totally gripped. Enjoy the lean style of writing. The small details spoke volumes about character, setting and mood. Can't wait to read chapter 2 and so forth.

David

Very impressive. Oh and I happen to love John Steinbeck. Backed.

My kind of writing. Terse, brief, no wasted words. Dialogue cut to the bone. I've only read two chapters as I'm about to go out, but I shall be reading on when I get back and will comment properly then. I'm shelving it before I go, because of the writing quality and because I want so much to carry on reading.
Cariad.

Ok. I've read a lot more now. I found the narrative voice excellent. It is both natural and poetic. Both colloquial and distant. Your description of incidents (the ice, the stony policeman, the truck driver) are simple and filmic and at the same time written so that I felt that I was right there. There is a sense of homelessness and tension. I very much like the way you weave the biblical questions in. It adds another dimension and an element that is outside, yet runs alongside the everyday doings and concerns of the characters. I'm on chapter 8 now, and still going. I have nothing to pick you up on, or suggestions for improvement. I'm finding it excellent.

Cain Bone Whittled

Ardin Lalui

Backed after reading your pitches and opening chapter. Am a lover of literary fiction and was drawn to this for that reason, as well as the storyline. Good opening I thought Ardin. The writing is wonderful and confident - I like how you mix formality with informality in your use of language which I think creates a very individualistic style and which makes for a free-flowing pace as well as narrative without the stiffness of more formal language. With this sort of style, the reader is happy to simply go with the flow as it were. The struggles and triumps of Frank in this story appear as early as this opening chapter giving us perhaps an insight into what we are in for, in the rest of the novel. A nice precedent if this capter is anything to go by. Frank appears to be escaping from a woman (poor thing and very sympathetic from the start because of this), and then more sympathy is piled on as he gets onto a fish train and gets stuck to the ice - how gripping a scene for the reader and painful for him! Luckily he is thawed out on being found by the men who use much water on him in the thawing process which makes him feel as if he is being burnt. Cannot identify fully but my fingers were once frost bitten from being out in the cold for too long without gloves on and, they were defrosted in the kitchen sink full of hot water on getting home (!) - and that was as painful as hell so poor Frank. Nice, well-written scene that, and I also enjoyed the encounter with the policeman. The dog an added bonus - genius touch which, with such a simple addition, much more in terms of atmosphere and depth is created just because.
I think the dialogue was also quite effective and suited the station of the minor characters on the fish train, the policeman and so on. Not so hard to believe that in a single short chapter you have me wondering about Frank - why is he trying to escape this woman, who is this woman, and what will he encounter further on his travels? Also, why is is nervous about the police? Why doesn't he have any money?! Why, why, why? Many questions to make the reader very curious about him and therefore interested in him. You have a good recipe here.
Anyway, colourful, gripping, exciting start and you've done well in starting to flesh out your MC. Look forward to reading more to see how the plot develops further in relation to this 12 year old he later encounters.
(Tiny nits: I am no expert, but personally, I didn't like the use of the word "kid" in your long pitch. Maybe it might read better if you change it to "boy". "He was froze solid to the ice..." - should be "frozen"? Also, last line of first chapter - "What price freedom?" - something missing here?)
Good writing, good plot, nice execution - I think you have wonderful talent as a writer - all the best in finding a publisher. More than happy to back this.
Best,
Zan

Ardin -

Cain Bone Whittled - coming on this by chance, I started reading and was struck by the graphic scene in the fish train ... the feeling rushed into his limbs and round his body. Stone taken from stone, skin from arm, muscle form bone. Take them, he thought, take them and wash them ... And then you shift to first person in chapter 2 ... And the old man says, 'I guess we don't gow up at all, as we get old. Just stay the children we always were.' ... The spare style of your writing is riveting. Besides, a deeply spiritual vein runs through ... Virtue feeds on lust ... ah, now. I rated you book highly and placed it on my WL. Feel welcome here, and take it easy, nobody understands the game anymore since they changed the rules this month. But you could try FAQ, the link appears at the bottom of each page here. Just read and enjoy, it will bring you return readings. And rate and back what you like.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Hi Ardin, enjoyed the 10 chapters, would have liked to know more.
Your main character Frank Wilder comes across with a good voice.
You have some excellent description, such as when Frank is near frozen between the ice blocks on the train.
I also thought the same when he found the photographs in the priest's house.
This comes as a shock to the reader I'm sure, it did to me. It was quite unexpected.
Liked the talk of a 'Woman' being made from a rib, with a drop of poison mixed in. Nice one.
Also a bit of humour :- "The man's dirtier than you." He said to the dog.
Over all, I found it to be a very good read. Pleased to star rate your book. RATED.

Kind regards,

Neville THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST - SERIES.

Ardin, As I was reading chap 1, I was thinking to myself that there is something missing here. I soon realized that the language is cultural dependent and then it began to make sense. The story began unfolding and was engaging me to read further. You have a good start here and made me want to read more. I will add to my watchlists. Best of luck. CR Harding

Dear Ardin, I love that you have told about life in South Africa & Frank, the drifter in your pitch. :) Amazing that he didn't die in chapter 1, frozen to the ice blocks :) - totally amazing that he was able to finally get someone's attention. :) Your crisp dialogue moved me right through chapter 10. :) I had no idea that a town like Orania could exist :) - wow!! :) I love how you put me right there with you as you told Frank's journeys & how he is so companionable & even got his friend, the dog when he got freed from the frozen ice. :) What a story depicting the culture & people. :) I have read, commented on, & put your book on my watchlist, to read & to also back for at least 24 hours when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold *******-rated your book :) could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :) - click on author's name, scroll down & click on their book cover or title :) - & you are on your way :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted & is written my best from my heart. :)

:) comment to follow after I've read your book - read & commented on 2 hours later :)