Printed words on empty pages.

Jehmka, Thanks for the read. I take a certain amount of pride in the eclectic-ness of my writing. I think it shows that I have some potential in creating unique and interesting characters and subplots, when I final do get to writing my book.

I do have a book that I started writing, but had trouble understanding the technical skill behind creating an interesting antagonist. I just recently figured out a solution, and am going to start working on it. "The Father" helped me to understand how an antagonist needs a certain appeal to the reader. My antagonist, in '"The Origami Rose", was such a snake, that it turned off the reader. (IMO)

I've read about 8 chapters of "The Father" and it was easy reading for me. You are a very skilled writer and are one of the few authors here, that I've learned a great deal from. I thank you.

OK... I went from "Is There A God?" to "French 101"

Yes, there seems to be a common thread running through these stories... not.

But seriously, "Is There A God", though well-written, didn't do anything for me. Whereas "French 101" made me smile. Yes, it's funny, but what really made me smile is the wonderful contrast between the two stories. I think it would have been clever to put "French 101" right behind "Is there a God?" But then, most people are offended by my sense of humor... so, disregard that idea. I also read, "A cool breeze blows" and "Ugly Beauty".

A very eclectic collection... something among these stories is bound to ring your bells.

Good luck with this collection and all future projects.

OK... I went from "Is There A God?" to "French 101"

Yes, there seems to be a common thread running through these stories... not.

But seriously, "Is There A God", though well-written, didn't do anything for me. Whereas "French 101" made me smile. Yes, it's funny, but what really made me smile is the wonderful contrast between the two stories. I think it would have been clever to put "French 101" right behind "Is there a God?" But then, most people are offended by my sense of humor... so, disregard that idea. I also read, "A cool breeze blows" and "Ugly Beauty".

A very eclectic collection... something among these stories is bound to ring your bells.

Good luck with this collection and all future projects.

...Just some anecdotal short stories (sorely in need of editing) that I wrote as exercises and therapy. I will look at yours asap.
Charles

Hello Charles.
Love the short stories especially number 3, A cool breeze blows. Very imaginative and my kind of story. As a short story writer myself I applaud you for such a cool collection and Back and rate this collection highly. As a short story writer I would be interested in any comments you might deem to make on my own collection of shorts, if in the future you could perhaps find the time. Good Luck with your work.
Christian

Hello Charles.
Love the short stories especially number 3, A cool breeze blows. Very imaginative and my kind of story. As a short story writer myself I applaud you for such a cool collection and Back and rate this collection highly. As a short story writer I would be interested in any comments you might deem to make on my own collection of shorts, if in the future you could perhaps find the time. Good Luck with your work.
Christian

The Lottery Ticket

Your stories have a certain charm about them in their simplicity. Again the way you ended it was perfect, and this time round feel rather loathe to say I thought the same problems were there. I like that they're simple, short and snappy and it perhaps allows the theme, the fleeting moment in a life to come out clearer.

Would they get published? I doubt it. Would they do well as an e-book? I think so.

I mean, in this one I saw the twist coming with the swapping of the lottery tickets, but it didn't ruin it at all. I was more concerned with what would Rusty's reaction be.

I'm in two minds over whether to reinforce the problems I saw before, or to leave them be and recognise that the faults I find are actually the reasons why I like the stories. They certainly move me. They make me think, and they are brilliantly put together. They're original and unique.

I do think they'd do well if you published them as an ebook.

Joe

Thanks Joe.

The problem, which you brought to my attention, is that I'm a lazy and unmotivated writer. If I ever find the perfect story to write, I think I can do well with it.

I think I have the seed of becoming a good writer, (imagination), but no water to nourish it, (inspiration), and no earth in which to plant it. (education)

Your prose seemed to come from a clear visualization of your scenes, and the ability to capture, with words, the essence of the moment. You do not simply indulge in superficial fancy word smithing, as many lesser writers do. I recognized that and like that about your writing.

Your are young and so very talented. I have little doubt of you one day becoming a successful writer.

Is there a God?

An interesting story. I particularly liked the end and that it stopped there, it left my mind moving on and negotiating everything in the story. The writing at times could have been more arresting - particularly the conversation between Emily and her mother, and Emily and the student. The conversation felt very artificial here and could be extended with some descriptions to both capture the air and provide us with some more of an understanding of the characters.

Indeed it was due to things like this that the characters felt like cardboard cut outs, because the beauty of the piece was its theme and the way it was structured. Instead of throwing down the dialogue to progress the story, you could make those scenes the most important parts for understanding the characters. If you have an awkward pause, or a moment where they decide not to talk you can deviate and explain some thoughts at play.

The other thing I liked was the opening - two short paragraphs with stars in between. It felt snappy and different - that, I felt, gives your writing a unique feel. You do write differently and it just needs a little more exposition as your style doesn't seem to be one that has coloured prose - and I don't think you need it. You just need to expand more on the characters to make a truly arresting piece.

Now, on to ch. 19.

Joe

Is there a God?

An interesting story. I particularly liked the end and that it stopped there, it left my mind moving on and negotiating everything in the story. The writing at times could have been more arresting - particularly the conversation between Emily and her mother, and Emily and the student. The conversation felt very artificial here and could be extended with some descriptions to both capture the air and provide us with some more of an understanding of the characters.

Indeed it was due to things like this that the characters felt like cardboard cut outs, because the beauty of the piece was its theme and the way it was structured. Instead of throwing down the dialogue to progress the story, you could make those scenes the most important parts for understanding the characters. If you have an awkward pause, or a moment where they decide not to talk you can deviate and explain some thoughts at play.

The other thing I liked was the opening - two short paragraphs with stars in between. It felt snappy and different - that, I felt, gives your writing a unique feel. You do write differently and it just needs a little more exposition as your style doesn't seem to be one that has coloured prose - and I don't think you need it. You just need to expand more on the characters to make a truly arresting piece.

Now, on to ch. 19.

Joe

You have a nice short story writing style. Well done!

Philip John

Thank you, Philip John. I just wish my life wasn't so f'd up and I could get back to writing. Maybe one day.

You have a nice short story writing style. Well done!

Philip John

PRINTED WORDS
This is a collection of entertaining short stories. I read three of them: the transplanted heart, the beer bottle and the golf story. You have a really good wiritng style for short stories; you know how to give enough detail a reader knows what people look like and what is happening, yet not so much your short story becomes a long one. I especially like the way you eliminate “he said, she said” when you do dialogue with two people talking. That keeps things moving; again, so no extra reading is necessary in these stories. Highly rated as a collection and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who killed the President?

Read Is There A God? great job. I would say to be an atheist takes just as much faith as believing in a God. Becuase if your wrong you'll have probably upset the one that made you and can remove you. Going on my WL for futher reading.

Shain

Dear Charles,

‘Is there a God?’ I don’t know, but I’d love to find out.
Either way, you’ve won my appreciation with that opening paragraph.
‘Choices in unproven beliefs.’ How true, indeed.

The table of contents was a good idea as some readers may choose to be selective.
I’ve read the first three shorts and ‘The Pugilist’ and will certainly be back for more.

The writing as far as I can tell is almost flawless and the stories are simple, warm and heartfelt, each one ending with a great twist. You seem to be a natural storyteller and you show a very good range. You’ve done emotion and action with equal grace.
‘Printed words on empty pages’ has found a permanent place on my profile page.
And I look forward to your novel, ‘The Origami Rose’.

My rating: 6 stars

Best regards,
AGC

- Printed Words on Empty Pages -

I read four of the stories here and have enjoyed them a lot. They're of that bite-sized content that means you fly through them and each contains both humor and deep emotion, ripping emotion in some cases. I'll give brief notes on each one.

Is there a God?
-Here we have a young woman struggling to deal with the death of her father and fighting and her family's insistence of finding meaning in his death through God's work, she not being a believer herself. This was the really intriguing bit for me - that disagreement over religion. It was a very good protrayal of the mix of frustration and jealousy that the non believer feels in the face of a religous person's seeming serenity. The ending is a powerful hit too.

Nitpicks:
-'and he was dressed in his work clothes readying for work.' I'd suggest rearranging this to avoid the repitition of 'work'.

The Pugilist
-A not uncommon story of a title contender asked to take a fall, but with a twist in this case. Here, I particularly liked the dialogue and the fight scenes, which I found easy to viualise and quite realistic (I do a bit of boxing myself and I used to be subscribed to several boxing magazines and would devour the fight reports).

Nitpicks
-The very first sentence is quite long and could be doing with having a few words clipped, I'd suggest.
- Missing 'an' in 'leading with uppercut to the champ's gut.'
-The passage that the above line comes from has a lot of repitition of 'the champ' so could probably be rephrased for a better flow.
-As in quite a few of the stories, there are missing commas in speech before a term of address. So 'Don't get too cocky Champ,' should be 'Don't get too cocky, Champ.'
-'Good luck, son.' Son should be capitalised.
-Cat let lose - loose

A Mellow Beat
-A good of some perhaps too descriptive beat poetry and the people giving it. The strength of this one is in the scene setting and the crowd's reaction.

Nitpicks
- Again, here I thought the very first sentence overlong and in nead of trimming to make it more managable to the reader.

The Funny Bone
- Of the stories I read, I enjoyed this one the most. It has an excellent representation of the tearing emotions and frustration that a separation can bring. It reminded me actually of a Saul Bellow novella which deals with the same theme, and whose name I can't currently remember, making this part of my comment distinctly lame.... There is also a very clever and subtle treatment of the more uncomfortable and unusual emotions that sex can bring.

Nitpicks
-He was excited to met them - meet
-If she didn't know, she'd asked. - ask

As I say, I enjoyed these a lot. They pack a great deal into a short space. I bet some of them could take the prize for the Flash Fiction Friday comps if entered there.

All the best with them,

Ross

I Read "Tough Love."

General comments: A gripping story. Well-etched characters. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on "Tough Love":
1) "Why did we ever stop being best friends?" She asked. 'She' should be lowercase. 'She asked' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name). There is another case of this type of problem.
2) "You started dating Kevin and stopped wanting to hang out with me." I told her. Comma after 'me.' 'I told her' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation).
3) "I really missed you Brad." Comma after 'you.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There is another case in this story where you address someone, but didn't offset their name or title with a comma.
4) Once the conversation between Toni and Brad starts, Brad doesn't have any thoughts or emotional reactions. As written, this makes him come across as cold. Is that your intention?

I hope this critique will help you further polish this story. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookcase?

Have a fine day.

Al

Pat,
That was a comp entry. The words in bold were the prompt.
You would pick that one. It was a comp entry, and the bold words were the prompts. I cranked that story out in about 2 hours and it shows. It is a story that I could sail through if I decided to make it into a book. However, the best I could hope for from it is that it be made into a Movie of the Week. I am looking for a story similar to "Event" (a story that just flows through my fingers to write), but I want it to be unique. I've never written S.F., but I think I would do good at it. I may just give it a whirl.
Thanks for the look.
Charles

I looked at number nine - I was a little thrown by the nouns in bold, but I liked the end-of-the-world setting (much more scary prospect in recent times) and the idea of the family unit bonding together again. A fine, self-contained tale.

P

I looked at number nine - I was a little thrown by the nouns in bold, but I liked the end-of-the-world setting (much more scary prospect in recent times) and the idea of the family unit bonding together again. A fine, self-contained tale.

P

I think you have some highly original work here. It's amazing how well humanity can come across with such straightforward prose. That's talent. Highly starred.
Best,
John B Campbell

Charles, thank you for sending me the link to look at your work. I'm here as a reader, not some 'expert' critic.

Printed Words On Empty Pages.

Title: Original.

Cover: It looks kind of interesting, I guess.

Short pitch: I don't think this does your book much justice, to be honest. It gives no 'flavour' of what is inside, what the reader can expect. From it, the reader really doesn't have a reason to 'open' your book. I wonder if you might think about changing it ? Maybe making full use of the 25 words we're allowed for a short pitch.

Long pitch: Again, we have around 200 words to play with for our long pitches. You're not making the reader WANT to 'open' your book with your long pitch. Actually, it's not really a long pitch at all. And I certainly would NOT be putting anything in there about your previous book 'being taken down until you learn how to write'

Chapter 25 is the chapter you asked me to read: You write....'but then what would he do'.....I think there must be a question mark after 'do'

I would have 'was' in itals for emphasis.....'Rather, ballet with Alex as his partner WAS his life'

I wouldn't use 'door' in the same sentence......you write.....'James tapped on Hinako's door. She opened it to see James standing at her door'......maybe write.....'She opened it to see James standing there'

You write as a dialogue tag....'Hinako tells James'........maybe don't use 'tells' and 'told' after dialogue, maybe use 'said' instead.

I have now read chapter 25 in full, as you asked. I certainly would NOT say that you cannot write, Charles. That is not correct, in my opinion. I liked much about this interaction between James and Hinako, and many of your descriptions are very good. I myself have only been writing since January, we just have to learn as we go if we want to improve ourselves I think. My God I have leanrt TONS since being on this site, still am.

Don't give up, keep at it. And please, don't be so down on your writing abilities !

Warm regards,

Danny.

The DEAD Bloc

Not sure why you're rated so low on the stars. Have you upset a few people on the forums?

Your writing flows well. I did have a double take when Emily went back to work though. I though she and her sister were younger than that. I'll give you 6 stars for now to address the low mark-up.

I read 'the Pugilist' and 'Jake's Place.' They were both competently written, and fine as short stories. To be backed.
My own preference is for novels, but professionals mostly advise new writers to start with short stories, so your choice to do was probably a good one. There are still a few errors and typos, but not enough that I bothered noting them. Good luck with your writing, Marj.

I also read your first two chapters. I wasnt bowled over by the end sentance on story one but the rest I found engaging. i think that short story writing is harder than writing a whole manuscript as you have to get your point over in such a short space. You have a writing tallent no doubt about that and the more you write the more it will develop.
Best of luck with it.
I hope you enjoy mine
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley

Read the first two.

Here are my unsolicited writing tips: (1) keep writing and don't let the the critics grind you down (2) It's unnecessary to use people's names that much when they are talking to each other. Pay attention next time you're talking to someone, Charles. How often do they use your name ,Charles? (3) Flannery O'Connor once made some remark along the lines of once you are explicit in fiction, you're dead. You should really lose the stuff about Spinoza at the beginning of your 1st story. The story itself manages to move, but the thesis statement injures it badly and takes the punch out of the ending.

Also a nit pick: Emily is a grown woman, a teacher. She doesn't seem to live with her mother, but her sister seems to be home with her. It was confusing. I don't know many people who live with their adult sisters. Not everything has to be over-explained, but that threw me.

Some of your description and getting the place names right worked well in #2. As an anecdote it rang true and read well. As a short story not as much. First, I've got a jazz musician in the family so the names were familiar and I was already guessing the ending. If I didn't have a jazz musician in the family the name would have been meaningless. I was curious about whether or not it was true story and I do think you told it well, but anecdote -- not story.

I don't know what your life situation is or how busy you are, but might I suggest you consider taking a creative writing course focusing on "short fiction?" Even at a local community college the teacher is likely to be a published writer and you could probably get some good advice about turning these kernels into real stories.

Read the first one and was disappointed when it ended, which means I was enjoying it. Had a look at a couple of the others and I like the writing but I do prefer a story to last so go write a novel and I will read it all.

Charles,
as I promised, I read 6 of your short stories, but they were more like snippets of stories, then actual short stories. Have you done a word count on each of them? I'm betting most of them are less than 1500 words. Story six was the best of your stories. I really enjoyed reading that one, and the ending surprised me which is a good thing.

Story number one, had a major glitch. When the daughter asks her mother why didn'y daddy wake you up when he was having a heart attack. How could he, if he died in his sleep?

I did like the ending though, about the heart transplant. That was nice.

Story 2 I had a hard time relating to. If the reader doesn't know the music terms you used it becomes a difficult read.

Story 3 and some of the others have a lot of mis-spelled words. You used waste, when it should be waist, massage when you meant message. The story was predictible, but cute.

Story 4 I did not like the tooth story at all.

Story 5 was not plotted very well.

Hope this critique is helpful. Over all, I think you need a little more meat in your stories. They are too short. The Pugelist though, was very well done, so if you wrote them in the order they appear in your book, then maybe you are learning as you go. I know when I look back at the manuscript for my first novel, I cringe now. But I improved it, and it got published. So, I'm rooting for you to keep improving so that one day you too will be published.

Hi. I browsed through, that’s all the time I had. Not my genre but I enjoyed it enough to back it. If you would like a specific story critiqued, tell me which one and I’ll do my best.
Your comments and backing of my book will be appreciated.
Dan

Charles, short stories are a great way to write. That's how I started, now I have a 93,000 word novel on my hands.

The people on this site are knowledgeable, some more than others. Grammar and punctuation can always be fixed. That's what editors are for. Get your stories down on paper and someone will help you with them. In any event, keep writing.

If you have a chance, I'd appreciate it if you could look at a chapter or two of my book, A PLACE IN LIFE, and let me know what you think.

Thanks. Your daughter sounds like a gem.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Your second story has a good feel to it. The dialogue I particularly enjoyed. There is an authentic feel to the way the characters speak and some of their choice of phrasing is excellent.

Nor sure what the theme is, but I'll take a stab that it is all about, taking risks, having faith in your abilities and persitance paying off.

I will read more as time allows.

Declan

Marita,
Thank you so much for the corrections. I just started writing 6 months ago and probably had a 4th grade grammar level. I have been studying grammar on this fantastic site and I think that I have brought my level up to the 9th grade. The only thing I lack is a teacher to grade my progress. I will review your corrections. Thank you.
Here is the site I am referring to. It is one of the best constructed sites I have ever seen.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/index2.htm

Shorts are not only helping me learn to write, they are also helping me to get in touch with myself. I am 53 years old and have always yearned to write the stories that go through my head each day. I was always imaginative, even as a child. I have set a goal of completing 25 interesting theme based short stories that carry a message, then I will return to writing my book. Even now, when I look at what I had written, I can't believe how uneducated I was about writing and grammar. I have learned so much and continue to learn.
P.S. My shorts got to chapter 5. They all should be as interesting as the 1st, so if you happen to read them, I would appreciate corrections/critiques. Chapters 5 and 6 are just garbage from my book to get me over the 10k limit for viewing.
Thank you.
Charles

Is there a God? I liked this first short story. Why? It was easy to read, the content was interesting, and thought provoking ... and I don't know, maybe I connected with it in the sense that I have asked these questions: Education and my own form of logic eating away at what I've been indoctrinated in as a child.

The end was also very moving, Sarah having her brother's heart, keeping him with her for the rest of her life gave me the chills.

I only have a couple of nitpicks:
1) The usage of commas in relation to indearments and names in dialogue. There needs to be a comma on both sides, unless there is a fullstop afterwards as seen in your following example:
That is not what I mean Ms. Parker. Rickey.... Change to: "That is not what I mean, Ms. Parker. Rickey...
2) There is a shift in tenses in the dream in one line: Emily hugs her dad and begins to weep.
You have used past tenses with everything else. Maybe you've done it to place the dream in a different context, but if not change it to: Emily hugged her dad and began to weep.

That's all for now. Thank you for the read. If you need to ask me any questions in relation to my comments message me. All the best - Marita.

Is there a God? I liked this first short story. Why? It was easy to read, the content was interesting, and thought provoking ... and I don't know, maybe I connected with it in the sense that I have asked these questions: Education and my own form of logic eating away at what I've been indoctrinated in as a child.

The end was also very moving, Sarah having her brother's heart, keeping him with her for the rest of her life gave me the chills.

I only have a couple of nitpicks:
1) The usage of commas in relation to indearments and names in dialogue. There needs to be a comma on both sides, unless there is a fullstop afterwards as seen in your following example:
That is not what I mean Ms. Parker. Rickey.... Change to: "That is not what I mean, Ms. Parker. Rickey...
2) There is a shift in tenses in the dream in one line: Emily hugs her dad and begins to weep.
You have used past tenses with everything else. Maybe you've done it to place the dream in a different context, but if not change it to: Emily hugged her dad and began to weep.

That's all for now. Thank you for the read. If you need to ask me any questions in relation to my comments message me. All the best - Marita.

On looking at your pitch it seems as if you don't really know what your book is about. What is the story? Is there a conflict? Is there a resolution? Is there some mystery that will be solved - some issue to overcome - a trial or hardship that is conquered? I don't see a plotline, basically. There very well may be one - but it isn't evident in your pitch yet.

It's called cut and paste from my notes and editing to fit the 200 word max. As I said in my post..."Who gives a sh!te anyway." I'm not looking to get shelved, I'm looking to write a good story. My characters are a part of me. The story is a dream I awoke upon. It writes me, I don't write it. It exists, i don't contrive it. I only have to open up my imagination to experience it.

My story is quite real to me.

In your comments you make several statements about alot of background. Background is often something that's valuable to you as a writer, but might be meaningless to the reader. YOU need to have it, but reveal only what the READER needs to know in order to understand. In my opinion, taking up half the book for background is way too much - if that's what you meant to say in your last comment down there. You really don't have to give her parents that much background in order to make their deaths tragic. Your readers will naturally find the death of parents tragic if they can connect with the child. It's an automatic response.

Thank you for taking the time to read some of my stuff. I've already given a great deal of thought to what you say, but I've decided the contrary. I needed to first give them life before I pronounce their deaths, otherwise it's meaningless.

Be careful about describing each and every movement of a character in minute detail, unless that detail is integral to the plotline. Ash falling on the steering wheel doesn't matter unless his movement to wipe it off causes a chain reaction - or it's just enough weight to make the car explode - or something fantastical like that. But you see what I mean?

The other members have already edjamacated me on this. I'm improving...and yes..".the ash falling" is pushing it. Just like "Day dissolves the last remnants of night revealing a compellingly cloudless azure early morning sky and a sun full of promise." How much is too much.
It's difficult to turn on the imagination of the readers from the get go.

"Too much description slows the read down - such as how many miles (kilometers) away something is - unless you've got a character complaining about it being a long walk, or you need to define exactly how long it will take your people to get there.... Sometimes you can use it to illustrate your character's personality - how he reacts to mundane issues in life, just evaluate each and every scene."

Not enough description/detail makes a story weak. I think I did a decent job in giving Dmitry, Roman, Mickey and Sergey, as well as their girlfriends Violetta, Anna, Lidia and Natasha their unique characters that the reader comes to know.

Now remember, we all cut, cut, and cut some more until we get it just how we want it. So don't take it as a bad thing if you have to brutally edit your manuscript and leave large portions sitting on the floor.

:)
Sherry

...ain't that the truth. (Ha, my second quote on this board from "The Wizard of Oz.)

Thank you Sherry for taking the time to comment.

On looking at your pitch it seems as if you don't really know what your book is about. What is the story? Is there a conflict? Is there a resolution? Is there some mystery that will be solved - some issue to overcome - a trial or hardship that is conquered? I don't see a plotline, basically. There very well may be one - but it isn't evident in your pitch yet.


In your comments you make several statements about alot of background. Background is often something that's valuable to you as a writer, but might be meaningless to the reader. YOU need to have it, but reveal only what the READER needs to know in order to understand. In my opinion, taking up half the book for background is way too much - if that's what you meant to say in your last comment down there. You really don't have to give her parents that much background in order to make their deaths tragic. Your readers will naturally find the death of parents tragic if they can connect with the child. It's an automatic response.

Be careful about describing each and every movement of a character in minute detail, unless that detail is integral to the plotline. Ash falling on the steering wheel doesn't matter unless his movement to wipe it off causes a chain reaction - or it's just enough weight to make the car explode - or something fantastical like that. But you see what I mean?

Too much description slows the read down - such as how many miles (kilometers) away something is - unless you've got a character complaining about it being a long walk, or you need to define exactly how long it will take your people to get there.... Sometimes you can use it to illustrate your character's personality - how he reacts to mundane issues in life, just evaluate each and every scene.


Now remember, we all cut, cut, and cut some more until we get it just how we want it. So don't take it as a bad thing if you have to brutally edit your manuscript and leave large portions sitting on the floor.

:)
Sherry

shawshank, if I was as good a writer as you appear to be, I could write a story that way. I'm not only dealing with the issue of my learning how to write, but there is much I have to research. Ex. Starting at I think the 5th chapter, the young Alexandra will spend the rest of her youth studying at the Vaganova acadamy. My daughter has trained all her life in ballet, so I know a great deal about ballet and the Vaganova academy.....but I have to make her days at the academy come to life. ...not so easy, ...gonna take a lot of research and a lot of notes.

Also, there is another character...a minor character that has a great deal of influence/involvement with one of the main character. I have to give him a past...and make him into a huge a-hole.

By the way, none of the characters in the first chapter appear after the last half of the book. It is just a prelude to the Birth of Alexandra. I have to give her parents a past to make their deaths more tragic.

I'm looking forward to reading your book.

Wow. You have the entire story outlined in "notes!" I have never been able to do that. Your story has a serious tone, and as far as I could tell with a quick skim, it has much potential. It reads like a screenplay, though, not a novel. But do not fear, it is actually quite easy to fix. You have the plot down (something I never worry about), now my humble advice (after all, what do I know?) is to get to know your main character. Let him talk to you. Let him tell the story. Choose a tense, choose a point of view. When you develop characters, instead of plot twists, the characters form their own plot, because they become real, and interact with each other. It will just flow from you. Good luck.

WW, is this any better or is it still crap? Note: I'm trying to figure out "tense".


Chapter 1

It isn’t so much the incessant music being played just outside the tiny office no bigger than a jail cell as it is the God-awful singing. It is as if a ceaseless barrage of obscenity is being shouted directly into his ears. He considers using the earplugs he keeps in his desk drawer but how would he hear the phone ring. Anyway, why should he have to put up with it?

After all, he is the boss.

The floor whines and groans with each step as the three hundred pound mass of a man weighed down with contempt and determination makes it way to the single wide’s portal.

An unyielding frame and tall screws are all that keep the solid pine plank from flying off its hinges.

“Dmitry”, shouts his supervisor from the door of the construction trailer, “…if you don’t shut up your fucking mouths and turn off that damn music, you will all be looking for new jobs.”

“Anatoly, it’s you who should shut your mouth” shouts back Dmitry, “It helps us work and we get a lot done”.

The thin walls quiver from the impact of the unstoppable wooden force colliding with the immoveable object that frames it.

The large man cedes as he recedes.

“What am I to do with them, …” he tells the office clerk, “…they are my best workers?”

WW, thanks for taking the time to give me corrections before I got too far
along. You, saved me a heap of work. (I'm kidding with the comma.)

I think that this is even better.


The windows of the old Voga are half rolled down and two conjoined silhouettes can be seen sleeping in the back seat. As Dmitry approaches Roman’s door, a fluorescent street lamp clinging to the side of a cedar utility pole begins to illuminate the two faces. He opens the door to retrieve the three quarter emptied bottle of vodka still half clutched in Roman’s hand. Roman has the face of a knocked out prizefighter as it rests on Mickey's ham sized shoulder. Dmitry nestles into his berth behind the steering wheel, looking out past the windshield, staring at the back of his mind...

...Reflecting…

...And medicating his thoughts with the analgesic liquid in the bottle.

Sergey will not be joining them tonight. He is in a warm comfortable bed with Natasha.

Is this better W W. (I think what you are saying is "describe, don't explain." Correct?)

(Old)
Dmitry returns to his car to find Roman and Mickey passed out in the back seat with Roman’s head resting comfortably on Mickey’s shoulder. Sergey is absent.

Dmitry opens Roman’s door and removes the three quarter empty bottle of Vodka half clutched, from Roman’s hand. Dmitry then get’s in to the drivers seat and sits quietly staring out past the windshield reflecting and finishing the bottle.

(New)
The windows of the old Voga are half rolled down and two conjoined silhouettes can be seen sleeping in the back seat. As Dmitry approaches Roman’s door, a fluorescent street lamp clinging to the side of a cedar utility pole begins to illuminate the two faces. He opens the door to retrieve the three quarter emptied bottle of vodka half clutched in Roman’s hand. Roman has the face of a sleeping baby as it rests on Mickey's ham sized massive shoulder.

Sergey will not be joining them tonight. He is in a warm comfortable bed with Natasha.

1. Grammar. There is a distinct lack of it. Even in your pitch sentence - with a comma after a snippet of speech. Grammar: get some into you.

2. Stop telling me things. Stop beating me over the head with exposition the size of a deli salami. Show me your story. If people wanted to read facts they'd pick up a history book. Has the summary of a film 'It's set in the 1980's, and this happens and then THAT happens' ever been as good as experiencing that story? No. Why? Because we experience it, we don't get told it.

3. Grammar. Again.

4. What tense is this? Seems unwieldly and awkward.

I probably have a sixth grade education level with my english grammar. I am learning, thank you.

I will research "exposition".

It is supposed to be present tense, but I think I get what you mean.....Hiro whom stands at the barre...
Hiro is standing at the barre. (I'll give it some thought.)

I'll start putting together a new pitch.

Did you take a look at my recently updated chapter 2 start?
http://www.authonomy.com/books/28688/the-origami-rose-/read-book/?chapterid=273577#chapter

...is your critique the same with it?

Thanks W W.
Charles

1. Grammar. There is a distinct lack of it. Even in your pitch sentence - with a comma after a snippet of speech. Grammar: get some into you.

2. Stop telling me things. Stop beating me over the head with exposition the size of a deli salami. Show me your story. If people wanted to read facts they'd pick up a history book. Has the summary of a film 'It's set in the 1980's, and this happens and then THAT happens' ever been as good as experiencing that story? No. Why? Because we experience it, we don't get told it.

3. Grammar. Again.

4. What tense is this? Seems unwieldly and awkward.

Hello Teresa,
Every one has been very helpful and I feel I am improving as a writer.
I've decided to only post finished chapters in consecutive order beginning
with chapter 1. (4 on is still posted to keep me of 10k W.C.)
As soon as I get of 10k, I will delete my notes and only post finished
chapters.

If you ever get the time,...I hope you read "this first time writer's first time
chapter of my first time book."
It's funny, romantic and interesting. (somewhat adult themed)

http://www.authonomy.com/books/28688/the-origami-rose-/read-book/#chapter

Critique is very much welcomed.

very good writing- flowing, effective dialogue and narrative....on my watchlist...
SEASONS....

Thank you so much. It's still at infancy stage, but I am making progress.

My writing will get better once I learn how to write. Members have given me some helpful tips.

I truly believe "The Origami Rose" will be a great read once I complete it, many months from now.

P.S. I have been working on Chapter 21 all morning. If you have time, can you take a read at it and tell me what your first impression was of it. Grammatical and writing tips also very much welcomed.

very good writing- flowing, effective dialogue and narrative....on my watchlist...
SEASONS....

Dear Charles, I love in you pitch, Madam V's quote,"that it is what you give to life that remains in the world long after you have gone" :) - that is so profound & history speaks for itself on your statement :) - it's wonderful that you said it again at the end of your story, to clinch that we got it. :) Alexandra is so fortunate to know Madame V As I read your story, when I got to your lyrics, instead of reading them, I sang them, "We gotta get outta this place, if it's the last thing we ever do," :) - I loved that song when it was popular. :) Wonderful story. :) Since it says literary, I guess it really happened. :) I have read, commented on, & put your book on my watchlist , to read & also to at least 24 hour back when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :) - click on author's name, scroll down & click on their book cover or title :) - & there you go :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted &is written my best from my heart. :)

Thanks Susie, I have no idea what this site is about or how it works. It seems that I am writing with a different
process than the rest of you. I've blocked the whole storyline and jump around chapters. That's probably not
hows it's done? I feel like I'm only about 1/5th the way to completion, but I have some great ideas.
I hope that you all check in on it from time to time to see how it is progressing.
Thanks, Charles Bruno

:) comment to follow after I've read your book - read & commented on 1 hours later :)

Dear Charles, Before I went to bed, last night, I read & commented on your book, but it didn't go through, so I'll try again. Love, Susie :)

:) comment to follow after I've read your book - read & commented on 1 hours later :)

Dear Charles, Before I went to bed, last night, I read & commented on your book, but it didn't go through, so I'll try again. Love, Susie :)