Joanna's Dawn

Responding to your post about love scene. I like the playfulness of it and the hard approach is different. What I noticed in the beginning was there was no flirting. For instance. He flipped her onto the sofa and his hand slips down her breast. Or he pins her on the floor and his cheek grazes her lips. In addition, use more sensual terminology. Instead of tummy, say pulsating abdomen or heaving chest. And lastly break up the paragraphs. Shorter paragraphs make the reader continue reading. There were a few typos as well "hot breath" instead of hot breathe.

Best wishes,
Twhit

i was responding to your post on a message board that you needed help with this scene.

Why thank you Katie, If you had noted lower down this book has not completed its first full edit as yet. However, it is interesting you read to chapter 12, or did you start there??? However, it would have been nice if you had commented on the plot, characters etc, Kind regards (I think) :)

on chapter 12- first 0of all, this is difficult to read as a single chunk. each time the speaker changes, there should be a new paragraph. also, study up on the rules of punctuation. i got a bit lost in some of the lines and fragments.
the chapter begins at an odd place, with no lead in to explain where the characters are or how they got there. if the previous chapter ends where this picks up, i winder whether the chapter should be continuous.
typos- "they WERE evenly matched.

Excellent book, would love to read the rest. Very minor errors here and there, certainly don't completely agree with others that it is riddled with errors far from it.

Excellent pace, great hook on the first page. Great story, stands out from most books on thsi site as actually being a good story and not a piece of vanity writing.

Well done, I would buy

Dear Jonathan!

I find ‘Joanna’s Dawn’ very qualitative and inventive. The first scene is repulsive and shocking, therefore memorable, that’s pretty much what any writer strives to achieve, to catch the reader and make him/her go on – you’ve managed it superbly. If the book were in print I’d buy it without thinking too much.
By the way, I couldn’t help noticing your name and your novel’s title sound a bit alike: Jonathan O’Donnell and Joanna’s Dawn. Was it your intention, or am I just seeing things?
Star rated deservedly high.

P.S. I’ve recently finished my debut novel, The Beholder. Could you please take a look at it if you have time?
Ivan.

All action, fast paced sci-fi thriller, moves like a bullet train along a trajectory or dead and mangled bodies, most of them caused by the heroine. This is clearly blockbuster stuff, Joanna Bond for the space age. It must be said that it's quite a hard read due to the multitude of grammatical errors, typos, misspelled words and loose punctuation. This is a shame because the story itself is well planned and well executed, the characters are stereotypical heroes or villains, but the technical sci-fi bits can't be faulted (well, not by a layman) I am sure this will be hugely successful, a real page-turner. Have starred and watchlisted and will back when a spot becomes available. Jaye

Lots of action and gore here for those who like it. And a little sex, too (for those who like that). It’s a fast-paced SF action thriller which I would have loved during my late teens and early twenties. However, it needs a serious bout of editing and proof-reading; the countless errors are a real distraction and seriously reduce the story’s enjoyment – but I’m not the first to mention this. Not just the spelling, grammar and punctuation, but also the phrasing needs to be carefully looked at. As for the story, I would have preferred the scenes in chronological order, not because I’m easily confused (which I am), but because, for me, it reduces the tension if I’ve already been shown the future and know that the characters are going to survive the current crisis intact. For example, during the action scenes in the departure station the reader knows that they make it out alive as they’ve already been shown parachuting through the atmosphere of Titan at a later time. Similarly, the scene with Don at the end, if moved to its rightful time-slot, would bring forward the much-needed explanation of what’s going on in the world/solar system and how all the action relates to this. Otherwise, it’s an entertaining read, ready-made for an all-action movie containing inventive and exciting escapades. It’s a nicely constructed and described future world; perfect for SF devotees!

Backed JoannasDawn. Great Science fiction. Realistic and fast paced. First chapter hooked us. when you have time we suggest you edit for punctuation and capitalization. We just revised based on comments from readers on Authonomy.
Examples:
Title-Joannas Dawn-Should be-Joanna's Dawn
Pitch-The story opens on earth...-Should be- The story opens on Earth...
Frist chapter-“Has he told you where it is”?-should be "Has he told you where it is?"
“Give me your knife” his had extended impatiently. should be-"Give me your knife." His hand extended impatiently.
Good luck.
CC Brown

Feisty and sexy heroine is this Joanna if you like girls who are six foot eight in their heels and quick with their laser guns. Its a good touch that Earth is more of a dangerous place than Mars for Joanna. Its certainly not for the feint- (not light- Jonathan) hearted this first chapter. and I see what you mean about Tarantino -( who cares how you spell the great mans name this is fun stuff). Joannas a resourceful girl and after James' death is soon killing off the bad guys again. Its a bit of a shock chapter 3 - you surely cant kill her off this quick but then David comes along and its amazing what technology can do for severed limbs etc. This is a fast paced sci--fi action tale with lots of violence and a bit of erotica thrown in. Its great fun

Amazing Science fiction great opening chapter which makes you read more..... and I hate Sci fi books! Great story line with drama and suspence...... Its great to get into a story which grabs attention and interest..... Great imagination and detail some would say not necessary but really helps you relate to characters & reality.......

Story line is great to keep reader interested.... would buy despite not into sci fi storylines......

Great work for a first go at compiling into a book good luck with getting published Jon - Hope you get recognition you deserve X jit

Amazing Science fiction great opening chapter which makes you read more..... and I hate Sci fi books! Great story line with drama and suspence...... Its great to get into a story which grabs attention and interest..... Great imagination and detail some would say not necessary but really helps you relate to characters & reality.......

Story line is great to keep reader interested....

Joannas Dawn
Certainly the gore of the first chapter was enough to capture attention. There is a lot of good to be said about this writing and the author moves the plot along well. I do agree that it needs technnical attention, starting with the pitch which is in need on punctuation. But aside from that, there is a good story here and the chapter endings also garner interest, so as to move the reader forward. Good luck to you.
Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

You are totally fantastic, Jonathan!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because I'm 9 from the editor's desk & trying to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of December :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 20 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 9-1/2 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks earlier this year.

You can't expect a genius to bother with things like spelling and punctuation.

This story is outstanding,a scifi murder mystery,which seem's to be a first of it's kind especially as it seem's to be written more for women to enjoy?,it would make a great film!!!.

Joannas Dawn -
There are some punctuation and sentence structure errors, but they could easily be sorted out with a little bit of a tweek. Good plot, and i like your development of the characters, although some minor parts of the story drag on a bit longer than needed. Apart from that, very good! Well done, and i hope this goes far!
abi

Chapter one: A very gory start, which I found distasteful, but I am sure that is the point. I think the scene with Joanna before anything happens goes on a little too long, do we need to know what she is eating for breakfast? Also wasn’t convinced by the newspapers outside hotel rooms, wouldn’t the daily news be sent electronically? The flying taxi set up reminded me of the Bruce Willis film. I liked the way you gave consideration of Mars’ gravity on the height of settlers (you need to make sure all aspects of this future world are worked out).

Chapter two: That first para of chapter two is very offputting as it is so long (and an info dump) I would cut a lot of it. The whole of chapter two could do with reducing. I would cut all the explanation and her walking here and there and the description of the meals (you do seem to have a food fixation) and focus on the scene where she is nearly killed.

Chapter 3: you don’t really explain the significance of the shop – why did she go there and how did he know where James was. At times I feel like I am reading a film (events are described with little interpretation). I find it difficult to believe James is still alive with those injuries, maybe you ought to tone them down a little – that was a touching scene. After he dies, Joanna seems to catch the baddies unawares – yet I was under the impression James was bait – so not really buying her easy escape. In the park, she is suddenly vulnerable and yet all the other times she has managed to kill the baddies. It would have been better to hint at the man following her otherwise he kind of appears out of the blue (it would have also increased tension as the reader wouldn’t know if he were a goodie or baddie).

Overall, you have an exciting sci-fi story, but you need to improve the execution – why does James have a communication disk? You are right not to tell the reader everything upfront, but you have given the reader nothing to work on at all, except for James brief conversation with Joanna, there has been no real plot clues, just lots of fighting. I would also cut irrelevant description and work on creating interesting and 3 dimensional characters, which are going to be really important if this is to come across as fresh and different, from what is already out there. Ian M Banks writes incredible sci-fi, with very memorable characters, it might be worth having a look at how he does it.

After reading the first chapter i am hooked.
However there needs to be some work on the sentence construction as this at times detracted me from the flow of the chapter. At times you are describing the situation for Joanna or the scene but then get distarcted to put it in context and yet this is all in one sentence. Perhaps conisder re-reading some of the sentences and you will see where they need to be separated. Overall the descriptions are really good and are a strong point, but dont let them take over the way you write as this is where the sentences lose their direction as you try to explain the context.
Again some of the punctuations need looking at, add a few commas to break the sentences particalrly where you refer to Joanna or others and what they are doing. Got confusing working it out otherwise. I find it helps to read it out loud to see how it reads and then the commas find their own place.

As i read this back i feel it is critical and not offering too much positive comment, but the fact that i have the image of the scenes, Joanna and the 'need' to read more says that you have the making of a great story...best i read on.
Well done

Hi Jon,

I think you’ve a gripping plot here, but I have to admit that at first I was distracted by your writing in chapter one. A lack of a comma here or a lack of a period there... (I have to apologize ahead of time if I’ve repeated something someone already said. I don’t read comments before looking at someone’s work because I believe it creates a bias for me.) You have good sensory techniques as far a submerging the readers into the feel of your story. I could hear the scream, I could see the puddle, and I could feel the oil. Also, I think your pacing is great. You keep the action and thrill going for readers. I feel like I’m in the movie theater, watching the action unfold itself in outer space. You use very descriptive verbs—I like it! Your writing gets better in chapter two on. Perhaps just polish up on the first chapter (have a killer one line hooker) and develop your characters more. I want to instantly connect with Joanna from the first time she’s introduced into the story. That’s just my opinion.

Hope all this helps.

Best regards,

LL Su ~}¡{~WONDERFLIES~}¡{~

Hi, thank you, very helpful, have edited and dumped the shower scene, you were right, I had only left it in as it was probably the dirst section of the short story from 05 that remained. Romantic attachment to an old style I don't need. Thank you so much for the great help

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An intriguing opening to what appears to be a thrilling adventure. An engaging main character. Vivid descriptions. Awesome world building. Good tension. Good pacing (except for Joanna going home, showering and getting dressed).

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An intriguing opening to what appears to be a thrilling adventure. An engaging main character. Vivid descriptions. Awesome world building. Good tension. Good pacing (except for Joanna going home, showering and getting dressed).

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) I would break your opening sentence into two sentences, starting the second one with 'Cursing.'
2) "Has he told you where it is yet?" hooked me. Have you considered starting your story with this captivating line?
3) "Not yet" replied the burley giant. Comma after yet. 'Replied the giant' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation).
4) "You know my friend your brother cost me a great deal!" Commas before and after 'my friend.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.
5) Punctuation always goes inside the closing quote marks.
6) ' ... spat from the dying mans broken body.' Mans (plural) should be man's (possessive). There are more cases of plural form when the possessive form is appropriate.
7) Inside, Joanna said "Taxi satation." Comma after 'said.' 'Joanna said' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag preceeds dialogue, the dialogue tag is punctuated with a comma.
8) She shrugged, "I can't walk round like that all day," laughing. Period after 'shrugged.' Period after 'day.' Rewrite 'laughing' into a complete sentence such as 'She laughed.'
9) ' ... the brushed steal button ...' 'Steal' should be 'steel.'
10) Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.

I hope this critique will help you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

I hope you and those you love have a sensational new year.

Al

Hi SamanthaV,

Thank you for taking time to give me feedback, I took that on board and edited chapters 1&2. If you have time to pop back and read them that would be great.

Happy New Year

Jon

You've done so many things well here, In sum, I do believe in the story – such a cool premise! Please message me with specific questions. I've starred according to the site's guidelines (4, shows real promise) and will keep you on my watchlist.

Hi Ellaham, Thank you for giving feedback on Joannas Dawn, I find all feedback useful. I have tweaked chapters 1&2. Hopefully you will like it a little more. Many thanks and Happy New Year

Jon

First of all, congratulations on finishing a novel. That is an enormous and satisfying fete.

Before I give you my thoughts on what I read, let me mention that I am not an expert. I am merely a poor, novice writer struggling to put my worlds onto paper. I know nothing, really, other than my own preference and opinion. So, take my comments with a grain of salt.]

this is a great book you need to read it :-)

Great book, a major page turner, especially like the start, really grabs you.

Needs a major edit. A lot of run-on sentences and tangled verb tenses make it hard to read a times. Interesting enough story though. Backed and rated.

Cat
Lies & Love

A good read :-)

i loved this book so much, i was hooked on it. i can't wait to read the rest of it .

Enjoyed reading the story- thank you for sharing. Some suggestions- you used majestically several times that didn't seem to fit- once to describe Joanna, then to describe David's back and then later in Chapter 10 how Joanne's vomit floated. Perhaps a different adjective might be better. Also the chapters didn't flow together and it make the story a bit more jarring. Some minor typos, some examples are- Chapter 10 - "She had got used to David's metaphors." Chapter 13- "They ware (were?) evenly matched." As the story progressed your paragraphs became longer- Chapter 15 only has 3 long paragraphs. This wasn't a problem in Chapter one. Hope this is helpful and best of luck to you. Desi.

Chapter 1 - New Introduction (thank you all for feedback - very helptful). Let me know what you think. ;)

Hi Jon, Lovely that you'd be willing to share a poem relevant to Twins of the Astral Plane. Thank you and I'm happy to hear it. Now on to your book. First off, you state that you're attempting to write Sci-Fi for females. As a tried and true Sci Fi buff (we gals are NOT a rarity) I sorta take offense at that. I would erase that from your profile page, then I would check out A Dash of Style by Noah Lukeman. It's a help- book on the art and mastery of punctuation and grammar. Your opening paragraph has far too many adverbs and like others have said, (sorry to be redundant!) this among other things is elbowing out the real story trying to emerge. You've got some great passages and ideas here. Best of luck. Shelved. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

Chapter 15 Uploaded - Half the book now present the rest to be loaded up in the next week.

You've done so many things well here, but I'm afraid I have to echo what ellaham and a few others have said: I love the story (the concept), but I think you need to tighten up the execution. Please remember, none of us would even bother commenting if we didn't feel you were on to something. Right now you have a great premise; it just needs some elbow grease and some polish.

Have you had any beta readers (unknown to you) look at this or give you a line-by-line edit? If not, shoot me an email/message and I'll point you in the right direction to find one. If anything, I know of a few resources.

One major thought: I wonder if you are starting this story in the right place. The second chapter has more conflict. Also, you say this is complete, but it's only 21,780 words? Don't you want to be in the 60-70k range?

In sum, I do believe in the story – such a cool premise! Please message me with specific questions. I've starred according to the site's guidelines (4, shows real promise) and will keep you on my watchlist.

The heroine is brilliant and I liked the fast paced action and plot twists. It's refreshing to get away from the endless fantasy and into a proper sci-fi genre.

chapter 14 out today

First of all, congratulations on finishing a novel. That is an enormous and satisfying fete.

Before I give you my thoughts on what I read, let me mention that I am not an expert. I am merely a poor, novice writer struggling to put my worlds onto paper. I know nothing, really, other than my own preference and opinion. So, take my comments with a grain of salt.

I loved the idea of this story, but I didn't fall in love with its execution. Granted, I only read chapters 1, 2, 12 and 13, but still. I think you should read some of your favorite sci-fi books again, except this time read them as a writer. Ask yourself what about the writing drew you into the story. A truly great writer, in my opinion, can convey the maximum amount of emotion with the minimum number of words. Joana is one tough cookie, and while I can see what you are trying to convey with her character, I don't think you've fleshed her out as well as you could. Show us who she is. Use sight, touch, sound taste and smell. You are telling your readers on a very superficial level what is happening. What I would like to see is you fleshing out your characters and your world and making it deeper, richer and more fulfilling to read.

Before I get to the sex scene, which you specifically wanted an opinion on, let me add one more thing. I suggest you go over this very carefully, then give it to someone who won't be biased (i.e., not a spouse or family member or best friend). Take a red pen and remove any unnecessary words or sentences If it doesn't add to the story or the scene, remove it. Read your sentences out loud to be certain, not only that they make sense, but that they have a natural flow and cadence. Also, just as a side note, you should really have a paragraph break before and after dialogue, otherwise it gets confusing having it lost in a giant block of text. And as a rule, I try not to use exclamation points. Convey emphasis by your word choice rather than exclamation points.

Now, chapter 13. I must say, it is a very guy thing to have a fight scene segue into sex. Not really having seen the emotional development of these characters, I had trouble putting it in context. That said, I think this scene had similar problems as the rest of what I read. Break it up so it isn't all one paragraph, and bring the characters into the scene more. Whose prespective is this scene? If it is Joana, tell us what she's feeling. What she's thinking. Don't just make it sex. What makes this different than other sexual encounters? Is she scared by her connection with David? Is there a connection with David? Is there something in her that wants to pull back? Is she conflicted. Right now, I don't see this as anything but sex. Now, judging by her actions earlier, that doesn't seem to be anything new for her. But if you are trying to draw a connection - a relationship - between her and David, then there needs to be more here. If it is just a quick, meaningless romp, then I don't really see the point of having it in the story beyond a brief mention.

Hopefully my ramblings made sense. Even more, I hope they help somehow. I do really like the idea of this story. With some work, I think you could make it shine.

Joannas Dawn
A well written si-fi story, the MC is a believable character
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Chapter 12 uploaded - chapter 13 to follow

interesting prose and premise. could use some polishing though, as we all could. but otherwise a great start to a fine novel. have nbot read enough to comment on structure, so i won't. will read more before commenting further. please read some of my book when you have time and let me know what you think. feedback is appreciated.


cheers
blueboy

I will upload another chapter tonight

Thank you for your comments so far, all very useful, still finding my way around the site. Joannas dawn still needs a final edit, but it is complete. I will add the remaining chapters over the next few days. Just changing the formatting and saving into individual chapters. Will be having a look at you kind foilks works over the next few days. thanks again. Jon

Hi Jonathan,

I think you have an interesting premise here, but the first chapter starts off quite slowly for something labeled a thriller. I'm not saying you need to jump into the action in the first sentence, but you're telling us a lot and it tends to slow the pace down. I like the idea of starting off with Joanna leaving her latest one-night stand, but there's a lot of telling with nothing happening between that moment and when the message comes through.

Also, you might want to tone down the use of exclamation marks - and make sure they match the tone of voice of the speaker. For example, "Inspector Joanna"! Peter said formally... should read, "Inspector Joanna," Peter said formally... (the punctuation should be inside the quotes unless you've got a quote within a quote, and even then the last punctuation is still inside the final set of quotation marks).

You've done a great job of world-building. I can easily picture Joanna's Mars, and this makes it easier to fall into the story. I was, however, pulled out several times when you paused to tell me something either about Joanna or her environment. I don't need to know how she wriggles her feet, nor do I need a detailed description of her shower in order to form an opinion of her - these are more than details, they are chunks of exposition that slow the story down.

I think you're off to a good start, and look forward to reading this again in the future.

Cheers,

Cheryl.
Job Hunted

Dear Jonathan, I love Joanna & her diligence, as you portrayed her in your pitch & all the action she is to face, sounds totally exciting. :) You put me right there with you as I read all of the way through chapter 10, to feel what you were feeling & to be in the action like, "water crashed through the darkness" :) - great word usage. :) "so don't show the shining knight with me, sister" :) - I love it. :) "whispering into his collar" :) - all I can say it "what a great write!!" :) I'll write in my mind that Joanna will find her true love & live happily ever after :) - I really love her attitude & I love happy endings. :) I have read, commented on, & put your book on my watchlist, to read & to also at least 24 hour back when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :) - click author's name, scroll down & click book cover or title :) - & away you go :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted & is written my best from my heart. :)

:) comment to follow after I've read your book - read & commented on 6 hours later :)