The Ultimatum

Hi, Jennifer – this is your CCRG review from AudreyB. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

First of all—thank you *very* much for your support of my book. I never expected it to reach the top 100 and here it is at #56. I’m beginning to feel confident enough to send it to publishers.

Both of your pitches seem very good to me. I can spot the really bad variety and am almost able to say for sure when one is good. I am reminded of a book I read in December, about the baseball player Josh Hamilton. His grandmother’s prayers helped him get off meth.

Some of your sentences are quite wordy. For example, “…holding his scrapbook of articles he had written.” You could cut “…he had written.” Earlier, “…glittered brilliantly with the gems the wall was constructed with.” You could cut quite a lot of that, and end only with “…glittered brilliantly with gems.” A more sparsely worded narrative would suit your story better.

I’m on Chapter 3, and so far there is a lot of narrative but not much dialog. Some scenes could be switched to dialog, such as when Lydia remembers how Brandon objected to her visit.

Chapter 4 is a good example of narration where you could instead offer some dialog, some scenes for the reader to observe. Show us Brandon’s suffering by letting us walk those six blocks with him, and by showing us how the house looks rather than saying it’s rundown (e.g. Brandon noticed a new crop of dandelions blooming in the neglected yard.)

This is an interesting story. It’s nice to read about a grandmother and grandson for a change, and were I to read further, I suspect I would find that many of Brandon’s experience could connect with many readers. I think that with some editing to convert some of the narration to scenes, you could have quite a popular work on your hands!

Best of luck here on Authonomy!

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Chapter seven brought back a memory of some fifty years ago, I drove to Ft. Monroe Va. from Philadelphia with my two little boys and a map. I never was a good driver, and near Va. got totally lost. I prayed, and lo and behold ended up exactly where I needed to be.
I am enjoying your book very much. thank you.
Christine

Very engaging...can't wait to see what happens next.

Liking it so far...

Dear Jennifer

I have read six chapters of "The Ultimatum" and here are my thoughts.

I enjoyed what I have read which, after a long and tiring day, is saying something! :) Your prose is confident, which reassures me, and fluent, so that know I am not going to be tripping up over mistakes. Your tone is similarly assured. There are lots of homely details in the setting of this story to put me at ease.

Your story is also beautifully constructed. We have a tormented young man, with reasons to hate God; we have a faithful grandmother with a message to go and help him; and we have Simeon, ready to rise to the challenge. I urge you to dig deep and write totally from your heart, because you have the most difficult aspects sorted: plot, characters, structure, dialogue. Now, dig deeper and let your prose shine! Then you will discover that you have less need for the everyday repetitions around housework, greeting and leaving, and so on. Comb your MS for places where you can leave any lingering self-consciousness behind, for example, in the first para of chapter three.

One part of chapter three really spoke to me:"God loves you very much He knows you have had a rough life. When God created man he gave us free will. Your father had a choice, just like you do....God cannot take away your freedom to choose your own paths..."

In chapter two you write, "the wound, though years old, was still too deep and raw". I felt that these wounds might be deep, but not raw, as this suggests fresh, new. Deep and festering, perhaps.

The first paragraph of chapter three is perhaps a little longwinded. You can say more with less here, and the outcome will be more affecting. Beware of labouring the point, when fewer words could be just as effective.

I found one missing word, I think, in chapter three, " some of the same things AS the people I write about..."

You can afford to linger, occasionally. For example when Robert comes home drunk and Rachel is taking his supper out of the oven, it is quite clear he is the clumsy one. Why did he reach out to hit her? That kind of context really adds depth.

Your story has resonances with "A Christmas Carol" and "It's a Wonderful Life" but is different from either.

A wonderful, wise read. Thank you.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" xx :)

Chapter four, I love it, it is amazing how Brandon thinks he can test God, he has good reasons to be afraid, you lead up to a great challenge.
By the way yesterday's comment was on chapter three.
Very well written.
Christine

Chapter two, I like the way you pull the reader into the life of a young man living alone. His love and pain from the past,
Look forward to the next chapter.
Christine

Ah! angels, second chapter, I like the way you go right into the story. Lydia was sent to be there for her grandson, very often we do not realize that many things in life are not without reason. If only we would recognize those signs.
Look forward to the next chapter.
Christine

Read the first chapter, I like your description of heaven, I am not sure that God would spend so much time with an angel's commission, as he is all knowing, but it is a nice idea.
You write very well and I look forward to reading more.
Christine

I like what I've read so far very much. You are a talented writer with an amazing story. I pray huge success for you with this book. Lacy

Hi Jennifer,
I just read the first two chapters of your book and I could barely stop reading. It is amazing how wonderfully true to life it is for a fiction book. I do believe God sends us messages in His own way and time. His angels are here on earth. I know that because of my own experience. This is wonderful book and I will definitely keep reading.
Thank you for sharing it.
Blessings, Joy (God's Gracious Gift)

Jennifer,

I found this story a great read. I was drawn into the story. Many of the experiences were similar to those of my own life. This made it more interesting.

I did find an error in Chapter 2 in the second paragraph, "... practically raised him after HIS HAD, MOTHER DIED." This needs to be rewritten. The sentence is a bit confusing.

The story is well written, a side from the occasional errors which can only be found by a pair of new eyes. Do you know of some one who can proof read your stories for you? This will help you a great deal. Every one makes errors that you cannot find yourself. Fresh eyes do wonders.

Keep up with the good work. I gave you four stars.

Don R. Budd

A very interesting read, I especially like how you used something so modern (the taxi driver) as the messenger. You have a great gift of description, and it sucks you into the place at that moment. I also like how the first chapter was with God and the angels discussing what they were going to do, most Christian books do not attempt to write the view of God, but i think it suits this story very well. Instead of just assuming that God was there, you showed that He actually was.
Good luck and keep at it, it's wonderful!

A very interesting read, I especially like how you used something so modern (the taxi driver) as the messenger. You have a great gift of description, and it sucks you into the place at that moment. I also like how the first chapter was with God and the angels discussing what they were going to do, most Christian books do not attempt to write the view of God, but i think it suits this story very well. Instead of just assuming that God was there, you showed that He actually was.
Good luck and keep at it, it's wonderful!

A sweet and delightful story, with an almost a dream like quality.
You have a great grasp at storytelling, and use a varied vocabulary. You use every word and phrase effectively.
You set your scenes well and have well rounded and strong characters.
Original and fresh, a very good read, which I would recommend to others.

Hello Jennifer,
I noticed your book on the up and coming weekly list. It was two spaces from mine, so I checked it out. Your first chapter captivated me! I had to look back and make sure your tag said "fiction". The description of heaven was so well described. I know you can find these details in the book of Revelation, but the way you laid it out sounded as if you saw it yourself. If you read the caption about my book, ("The Chair") you will understand why you caught my attention. My book is non-fiction, with a story of my grandson that saw those very details in a vision.
I am going to continue on with your story. I hope you have time to read 'The Chair', I think it would really interest you, especially since you have the details of heaven so securely in your spirit.
Stay Blessed,
Lynn

Dear Jen, you invited to swap reads.
I like your first chapter. If I was a Christian I would probably love it - and i think it suits a young person very well.
Beat of luck
Leelah Saachi
When fear comes back to Love"

I just wanted to say that this story is amazing! I love the spiritual aspect to it! The understanding of warfare in prayer that the Grandmother has is really cool. I think all of us as Christians need to realize the importance of prayer in the fulfillment of God's plans. The story also reminds us that God is everywhere with us, even in our roughest times when we can't feel God anywhere. It is so true!
The Heaven scene in the very beginning was by far my favorite. I LOVE thinking about Heaven and you constructed the scene very well.

You have a great story here! I couldn't put it down so I will definitely be back for more.
I wish you all the best!
God Bless!
Jenn

A wonderful book. Well written and clear to understand. Leaves you wanting to turn the page and not put the book down. Uplifting and encouraging. What the world needs!

Wow, wow WOW! I really love the juxtaposition of the heavenly realms of the first chapter and then the eartlhy life of the characters and then the intertwining of the two. We too often forget that what we experience with our senses is just a small part of reality, we easily forget about the spiritual realms all around us. You do a good job of capturing that and bringing them together. Wonderful story.

Joe Brooks
The Four PIllars of the Kingdom

Jen

The opening of your book is really very wonderful. A picture of heaven in all it’s glory and everyday busyness. So much work to be done amidst the celebrating. You set the stage well for a life and death appointment. I love that you show how much God is involved with the details of our lives and how much he truly cares.

Plot and character development are accomplished with a gift of working the point of view to your advantage. You have this difficult task down to a T. You have introduced your characters in a way that made me care what happens to them. I want reconciliation between Lydia and Brandon and between Brandon and God.

In chapter four I think it was, you jumped out of Lydia’s point of view only for a second, but it gave a little bit of the story away. “She didn’t know the price she and Brandon would have to pay to see the promise fulfilled.”

“If you exist. If you care, then prove it do me.” Loaded words!

By chapter five, I see where you are taking the reader and Brandon - on a little trip to see where God was present in his life. Jen, I love what you are doing with this story. When I get down or afraid or begin to have doubts, there’s nothing better than to go back and remember God’s faithfulness. Your book will be a big encouragement to those weak in faith and those who have no faith. It will teach them how to look for God in their lives.

Your writing is smooth, pleasant to read and error free and the story is very up-lifting. Six Stars!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Jennifer,
I read your book straight through and was weeping the whole time. I believe that everything turned out alright for Brandon even though you did not write the ending to the story. My own life had hardships and difficulties and when Jesus came to me about two years ago, He explained everything and I am now about recuperated. I expect I will fully recuperate to lead a life in the spirit praying daily, worshipping fully at church and being in touch with family and friends. My hardship was not family alcohol but mental illness. God bless you in your book writing.
MaryBe

Hi, Jen, just checked out your first two chapters. You start off with the heaven scene, which may serve to give your readers some curiosity about the backstory of God's conversation with the angel. You also start your story on the day when things are different, jumping right in after Lydia has been told to meet with her grandson, and the sense of urgency is clear. You sentences are simple and not overly wordy. I did notice that you use the word "had" a lot, and would recommend cutting it out. "Had, Have, Was..." they're not very descriptive. Also, all the informationg about your characters is "told." I think your story would seem more realistic and natural if you "showed" the readers what you needed them to know. For example, maybe Lydia and her grandson could be having a phone conversation, and your readers can gather from the dialogue what you need the know about the characters. Thanks for sharing your work and hope you have the chance to check out my novel soon. Best of luck with goals. Take care!
Jonie - Leave Me Asking

Very familiar. There is so little new one sees especially when you've been a Christian for a number of years. Intercession against a backdrop of what you see... hoping against hope... then the LIGHT dawns and its tears for days!!!!!!!!! Tears of joy and gratitude. The stories may differ, but the balm works the same way for all. So many say, "But you don't know MY story. There's no turning back or forgiveness for ME." There is no person who is too bad to become good; no not one. As the Word says, "Take heed lest you fall." There is then no one too good to become bad. We simply have to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. To intercessors: never give up! Your 'quarry' will land in the Kingdom 'net'.

Simple. Powerful. Intriguing. And just a nice read. I didn’t have any problems. I love the idea of God and an angel speaking to each. I could really sense the beautiful power between them, too, especially God’s. I could really feel him and know the deep resonance in his voice when speaking. It was actually quite amazing to read. Sorry to get religious but I felt like in God’s presence as I read his dialogue. I felt like he was here and a part of me. I felt like this was real. AND I’m not that religious at all. Well, I LOVED it. Nothing bad stood out about it. I actually wished I could say something bad but I can’t. But . . .. there was one thing in the beginning actually. I don’t think you need to list all the stones that glittered from the sun. It kind of seemed too much. 6 stars. I can’t back you now because I just changed my entire shelf and I want to give them more than just a few days.

Hi,
I just read the first two chapters of your book. It's really nice to read something Christian on the site, and not only that, but something that is well-written. The Throne Room scene at the beginning was very well done, and very visual. I liked that lot. You describe your scenes and what is going on in them very well; I can visualize them with ease.
The one thing I would say is that I feel like everything happens so fast; it's almost like every actions leads directly to another, so that before you know it, the chapter is over. I wonder if you might consider slowing the pace a little; let us get to know the characters a little more intimately so we can feel their pain. You tell us what Brandon has experienced, but the pace of the storytelling is so fast we don't get the time to really experience it with him. Anyway, that's just my opinion, one out of a very many.
Again, I am very happy to read a well-written Christian work, so I will support your book.

All the best,
Charlotte12
The Eagle's Gift

A great presentation of the gospel. I have only read three chapters, but I am already looking forward to Brandon's conversion. Many stars and blessings to you.
Marjorie Wilhelmsen
Exact Places

An engaging interesting story that inspires those who are struggling and those who continue to believe.
6 stars

Best Wishes
Dee Farrell

Hi Jennifer,

I was wandering authonomy and spotted that gorgeous dog, so I popped over to look at + comment on your work. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Chapter 1: Fantastical and visual description of heaven at the start. I can really picture the city, awash with all those beautiful colours :). When your character enters God's presence, the surroundings fill me with awe. It sounds as if they are trying to save a man's soul. What a dramatic quest. I hope they're successful. :)

I've a small suggestion here. I think you don't need to explain your dialogue quite so much. eg in "The angel had one more question. "What will be the cost..."” I don't think you need any of the explanation as the dialogue does such a good job of letting the reader know what's going on. We know the angel's asking 1 more question. I think just " "What will be the cost... " would read better and faster. Your dialogue's good. Let it shine on its own merits. ;)

Chapter 2: Sounds like Brandon has had a miserable life. Poor man. And his current life as a journalist on the rough streets must be draining and depressing. This must be the man the angel and God were talking about saving. The 1 light in his life seems to be his grandmother, Lydia. but Brandon doesn't share her devout faith. All the suffering he's endured has seen his belief flicker and die. The moment his mother died seems to have been the last nail in the coffin. No wonder Brandon's doubtful.

Brandon's home seems small and depressing. The stock of TV dinners speaks eloquently without words of a lonely life. The mention of lessons that were painful to learn makes me shudder. Did his dad beat him? It looks like Lydia may be the only real pleasant memory from his past. :(

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think, where possible, it's best to avoid "filtering" words such as knew/felt/saw etc because they place the character slightly in the way of the reader. eg in "Brandon knew that Lydia loved pot roast..." you're telling the reader a fact about him. If, instead, you wrote something like "Lydia loved pot roast..." the reader would get to share his knowledge and thoughts direct. I think such an approach could really get us inside his head. ;)

Reading on... Lydia seems tough and likeable. A bowler in her 70s. Good for her ;). She plainly loves and fears for Brandon. Ah and it looks as if she's following God's word in visiting him. She must be somehow tied up the plan to save Brandon. Seems she and Brandon have grown apart lately, though, because of their differences with regard to faith. Tragic. i hope they can be reconciled somehow. Hmmm when she lands it looks like she's arranged things so she has extra time to prepare herself. She must really be nervous about meeting Brandon again. Strange and surprising words from Simeon. My skin prickled when I read them. Is he the angel in disguise, I wonder?

1 tiny suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more involving if you found ways to show more and tell less. eg "Lydia was startled." is you telling the reader a fact. It's a bit like lecturing them. If, instead, you wrote something like "Lydia blinked/gasped etc..." you'd be showing the reader evidence she's startled. The reader can then infer the meaning for themself. I think it's sometimes a mistake to spoonfeed readers by telling them too much. Showing them things and letting them draw their own conclusions should actively involve them in your story more. ;)

Chapter 3: The reunion is v emotional. Brandon really seems to have missed Lydia. The moment where she asks to pray before eating's a touching little moment. It hints at the way their life together in the past must have been. And it shows both Lydia and Brandon are making an effort to get along; she, by asking to pray instead of just doing it, he by agreeing she can pray.

From Lydia's interest in the Journal clippings, it's clear she's v supportive. Given the dark nature of some of the stories, it looks like Brandon has trouble accepting praise for them, though. I suspect being subjected to such nastiness regularly may have tested his faith almost as much as his mother's death.

I've a small suggestion here. I think, where possible, it's best to lead off with dialogue as it reads quicker and easier that way. eg instead of "Brandon grinned. "The littled blue-haired lady that tried to ball with you but kept putting the ball in the gutters? " " I'd write something like " "The littled blue-haired lady that tried to ball with you but kept putting the ball in the gutters?" Brandon grinned.".

Reading on... The interaction between Brandon and Lydia's bittersweet. Even the pleasant memories now seem to pain him. Inevitably, he eventually asks why she's visiting him. He's agitated when she tells him God ordered the visit. No wonder. His relationship with his faith is more than a litttle precarious, and must remind him of sad times. In the argument about free will, I really feel Brandon's pain and sympathise with him. He's suffered a lot. By the end of the chapter, he's obviously shaken. Will Lydia manage to break through to him, I wonder?

Oops I just saw how long this comment's getting. Sorry, I think i got a bit carried away by your story. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a powerful story here, filled with sadness and hope in equal measure. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue is believable and feels real. I especially like the way you stretch out the tension by releasing information about Brandon's past, little be little. At the end of each section, I wanted to read on and find out what new developments your story has in store. Will Lydia manage to touch Bandon's heart? Can he ever recover his faith after his mother's loss and his own mistreatment? The reader will have to keep reading to find out. ;)

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I think there's a real audience out there for your work.

Best of luck,

Pete

Dear Jen, I will back this when I get on a computer that will allow me to. You write very well. It's effortless to read. five stars. regards David

The Ultimatum

This is a great book that deals with a number of different issues. It is well written leaving the reader wanting to read more!
The characters Brandon and Lydia are great!
Well written
Star rated
Ruth x

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks again for backing Whither Thou Goest. Sorry it’s taken me so long to get to The Ultimatum. So behind!

Your short pitch is terrific. Your long pitch is fine, but I think you could punch it up a little. You’ve got some passive voice, your verbs are pretty low key, and the sentence construction is pretty conversational. To change it up, you could do something like (and I’m making this stuff up; I haven’t gotten into your book yet):

Abandoned at ten. Attached by feral cats at twelve. Shot out of a cannon into a vat of pistachio pudding at twenty. And abandoned again – by the one person who vowed never to leave him – at twenty-five. Brandon was only sure of one thing: God didn’t exist. Couldn’t exist – no matter what his Grandma Lydia said, or how hard she prayed for him…

Since so many people comment on the beginnings of books, I usually pick up later.

Looking at chapter 10, I see that you’re using several different points of view. We hear Lydia’s memories of Robert, Peter Higgins’ discomfort with Lydia’s pain, and Brandon’s recognition of Robert. There have been many successful books over the years that have done this, but it’s currently frowned on. Try to determine who in the story has the absolute most to lose in the story without getting killed or incapacitated, and stick with that viewpoint as much as possible. Keep the number of other viewpoints to a minimum, and each scene should “belong” to a single character – the reader will experience everything through that character. For example, in this chapter, Lydia seems to be the primary viewpoint. However, since the book belongs to Brandon, you could play this whole scene through his perceptions.

You’re using a fairly distant point of view. I think of it as a camera lens, zooming in and out, and unlike changing points of view, you can use different distances in the same scene. You can start out describing a town, then a house in the town, then a room in the house. In the closest point of view, you put the reader entirely into the viewpoint character’s head, experiencing the action beat by beat and understanding everything through the character’s filters, perceptions and understanding. The advantage of having such a close point of view is that it engages the reader’s interest and emotion. The disadvantage is that the reader can only see & experience what the character sees and experiences.

For example, starting at the paragraph beginning “Brandon recognized this man” you could take us deeper into Brandon’s viewpoint by doing something like this:

****
It was the bad guy – the one from his dreams. In his dreams, the guy was different – younger, maybe. But he had that same kind of twisted smile and the same mean voice he was using with Grandma now.

Grandma had a fierce look on her face. He ducked behind her. It was safer there – away from that bad guy.

“Brandon, go get your things. You are coming with me.” It was the bad guy! The bad guy wanted to take him!

****

Of course, you’d do it your way, but hopefully I explained what I mean. You have such a moving story to tell here, and such a sweet message of redemption – I wish you the very very best with it!

I read some more of your book (times fails me to stay for hours up)
I rated it six stars.
It is very well written and you get the reader right into the story.
Hard to let it go once started.
I also find the Angel character very clever.
Great read.
Daelle Worth ~ Rebirthed... From on High

Only read a few but I really love the story. I'll definitely come back to read the rest.
Very well written.

Daelle Worth (Rebirthed... From on High)

Only read a few but I really love the story. I'll definitely come back to read the rest.
Very well written.

I've read through chapter four and plan to finish. Your message is very good. I really like the angel's character.
Blessings,
Donia

Let me start by thanking you for reading and reviewing my book ^_^

I have backed your book, because I think the story is very good, over-all. Well, I say over-all but I've only had time to read the first five chapters, and I wanted to get back to you before too long, since you were gracious enough to read mine. I like the story thus far, and I think you have a very good premise.

However, I have not rated it as high as other books for this reason: the first several chapters, in my opinion, could be a lot stronger. Now, I know in my own novel (not the one I have posted here, but another one) was pretty rough in the beginning; certainly far, far worse than what you have here. But it just feels too choppy. As someone else commented, sometimes short sentences can work; but here it feels more like the hammering of a typewriter, and really detracts from the flow of the story. Your scene in heaven looks great, when I piece it together. But as you have it written doesn't do the scene any justice. Also, the first few bits of dialogue are remarkably similar to the narrative, so that it doesn't sound like real individuals are speaking. You fix this, I feel, later on -- by about chapter three or four -- so that's great.

But I love the story thus far, and will try to read the rest and give you a more in-depth analysis then. Thanks again, so much!

D. Donovich

an intriguing read that would've been less so if not written so...you have real skill, and use all the tools to the full...on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Hi, I'm glad you wrote me to share your story. I am only on chapter 10 but will definitely continue reading. I am really drawn to your message so far and I can't wait to see what happens next. Take care and God Bless Nicole

Sounds like an interesting story and I'll be reading more. :)

Just as a quick note - in the beginning of both chapter 1 and chapter 2 you use "he", "him", or "his" quite a few times in close proximity. This is something I tend to do as well, so it stuck out for me. I suggest you go back and look at that to see if you can blend some of those sentences, or word it a different way to avoid overuse of the same word.

:)

Good luck. I'm interested in coming back for more.

:)
Sherry

I have only had time to read seven chapters so far. This is a well-written story. No grammar mistakes that I can see. The characters are well-drawn, and the premise is intriguing. You manage to create interest enough in the reader that he/she wants to read further. I am backing and assigning stars based on this brief reading. I wish you the very best with this work.

Patricia West Hays
The Witness Tree

If you have any time at all, I would appreciate your taking a small look at my book and rating it as you feel it deserves. Thanks.

I have only had time to read seven chapters so far. This is a well-written story. No grammar mistakes that I can see. The characters are well-drawn, and the premise is intriguing. You manage to create interest enough in the reader that he/she wants to read further. I am backing and assigning stars based on this brief reading. I wish you the very best with this work.

Patricia West Hays
The Witness Tree

If you have any time at all, I would appreciate your taking a small look at my book and rating it as you feel it deserves. Thanks.

I am on Chapter 7 now. This book is great! So far I would rank it 6 stars, but will wait until I'm done. I'm really enjoying it!

Just read Chapter Three-great chapter. I had a couple of tears at the end and forgot I was reading someone's work and instead got sucked into the story. Your style reminds me of whomever wrote The Shack. I really like it so far. Couple typos I want to note: you wrote "steeled" and I think you meant "steered" or "stole" and then drive-y should be drive-by. Look forward to the next chapter.

Great beginning. You really reel the reader in!

Thanks for your critique. It was very helpful, and I will be incorporating it. I really struggled with the term to use for God from the angels. I settled on Master because, as angels they cannot experience salvation as humans can. So Lord or Savior wouldn't work. But I like Father.

Thanks again. I hope to have more added soon.

Jennifer,

I just read the first 3 chapters of your book. The story is fascinating. I can well understand Brandon’s struggle coming to grips with the age old questions of “Why does God allow bad things to happen.” Sadly the answer is of our own doing. We live in a broken world with a ruler who prowls around like a lion waiting for someone to devour.

I think many people would be able to relate to Brandon’s struggle and would find this book to be a good read.

I will say that there are times when you tell as oppose to show. You say that Lydia is still attractive for her age, but you never describe her.

The first chapter when you are describing Heaven, I know as a reader, that I would want to know more about what it was like. More description. Also, you say the word Heaven twice in pretty quick succession. The reader knows where they are, so this may be cumbersome.

The angels refer to God as master. In the OT as well as the New Testament, God is generally referred to as Father or The Father. In fact the angels often say I am sent by the Father. Master seems cold.

Again, this is a compelling story. With some edit and sentence condensation along with some well placed imagery I imagine it would be a wonderful read.

I look forward to seeing how Brandon’s journey plays out.

Blessings,

Sharon

Thanks for the honest feedback. I will certainly be correcting these things. It helps to have a fresh pair of eyes.

Any suggestions on improving the pacing?

I read you first two chapters.

General comments: An interesting start to what seems to be a fascinating story. Engaging main characters. Settings well painted. Thought-provoking narrative. Adequate tension. Pacing is a tad slow.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) 'Failure was not an option' is cliche. Can you find a way to say the same thing, but in a fresh way?
2) 'He could feel God's presence ...' could be 'He felt God's presence.'

Specific comments on chapter two:
1) 'The tiny room was stuffed with a bed, dresser, and an overstuffed chair.' You use two 'stuff' type words in this sentence. Consider changing one of them.
2) 'At 71 years old.' Spell out numbers 1-99.
3) So when he said "Go!" Comma after 'said.'
4) 'The seatbelt light flashed and Lydia felt the plane begin its descent.' Three sentences later, you write 'The plane began its descent ...' Use one or the other, but not both.
5) 'Lydia sighed as he rose from her seat and ...' 'He' should be 'she.'
6) "Help me Lord." Comma after 'me.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases of this type of problem.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapters. These are just my opinions. Take what works for you and discard the rest.

Al

A fascinating book covering complex subjects that is well written and worthy of backing.

backed

Lisa