Shadow Puppet

L J
'Shadow Puppet' is simply superb! I've read to chapter 7 so far and will definitely read to the end of what you have posted. The way you describe how the US Marshalls deal with 'Megan' and her situation is written so well that you can feel the efficiency of the whole operation in your writing. There is also the underlying threat of her being found which adds to the tension - brilliant!
Jane (Jedye)

H LJ
I really enjoyed your first two chapters and it is only lack of time that is stopping me from continuing. You have a very straight forward, easy to read writing style and in the chapters I have read you are managing to build the tension up nicely. I can feel that this will be a gripping read and I instantly feel empathetic towards your MC and her situation. Questions are raised in these first chapters which beg to be answered and I'm looking forward to finding out more!
Good luck with your writing. Many stars and a place on my WL.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

First sorry L.J for being so long reading your book. But very glad have at last, first it has an advantage I love fiction thrillers, and especially if they are good and well written, this ticks all the boxes, read all 11 chapters non stop probably because once started I could not lift my eyes from the page. must go on my shelf now.

Portraits Of A Small Peasant.

LJ, I just read the first six chapters of Shadow Puppet and I'll be back to read more. This is a great book with great writing, but for me it's more than that because my book is also about a victim who is in the witness protection program. I read your chapters with a different perspective than other readers, trying to see how our conceptions of the program line-up, etc. It's funny how similar our books are: we both have protagonists whose boyfriend turned out to be a criminal, she turned him in to the authorities, your protagonist is leaving Denver, mine is moving to Denver. How weird is this! From there, though, there are big differences in our books. Yours shows the protagonist first entering the program and dealing with her initiation. I'm very curious what will happen to her. Will the men who are hunting for her find her? Will she have to defend herself against an attack? In my book, the protagonist has been in the program for a year already, and is starting over for the third time, so the story is more about how she will cope with her new identity and new job. She does face some physical attacks, but the main gist of the story is about her dealing with the moral issues of deception. I love your character, Megan, and it's interesting that you use first-person point of view. Your descriptions, pacing, etc. are really good. Your writing is clear, easy to read, and entertaining. I'll be back for more.
Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Hello L J--

book- Shadow Puppet-

Read seven chapters and will be back to read the other four posted very soon now-
just a thought for starters- that line ' I just brought it all to a screeching halt, and that as your driver heads for the highway- in my mind ' Iv'e ended up on the run now, incognito, until god only knows when'

However not for me to say; because otherwise this book is just so taut, tense and pacey from the start; that
i got to the end of chapter seven record time- a good sigh- I had though i might scan the first chapter, however went back to it to savour every line as the story line got hold of me, and i did not want to miss any; of it.

Everything sounds so true, despite what you say in the long pitch, that it's all fiction--
one of the better thrillers on this site and again in my opinion, it's a film just waiting to happen- U S marshals, Clinton and Barbara and the bug in the shoe- great stuff.- I feel for the main character Maggie as she continuously looks over her shoulder; not trusting any man that moves or looks at her-

This is one book that i really must know how everything ends up for Maggie.

good luck with it L J -it gets my six stars-

tom bye- Dublin Ireland
book-from hugs to kisses-

Hello L J--

book- Shadow Puppet-

Read seven chapters and will be back to read the other four posted very soon now-
just a thought for starters- that line ' I just brought it all to a screeching halt, and that as your driver heads for the highway- in my mind ' Iv'e ended up on the run now, incognito, until god only knows when'

However not for me to say; because otherwise this book is just so taut, tense and pacey from the start; that
i got to the end of chapter seven record time- a good sigh- I had though i might scan the first chapter, however went back to it to savour every line as the story line got hold of me, and i did not want to miss any; of it.

Everything sounds so true, despite what you say in the long pitch, that it's all fiction--
one of the better thrillers on this site and again in my opinion, it's a film just waiting to happen- U S marshals, Clinton and Barbara and the bug in the shoe- great stuff.- I feel for the main character Maggie as she continuously looks over her shoulder; not trusting any man that moves or looks at her-

This is one book that i really must know how everything ends up for Maggie.

good luck with it L J -it gets my six stars-

tom bye- Dublin Ireland
book-from hugs to kisses-

Hello L J--

book- Shadow Puppet-

Read seven chapters and will be back to read the other four posted very soon now-
just a thought for starters- that line ' I just brought it all to a screeching halt, and that as your driver heads for the highway- in my mind ' Iv'e ended up on the run now, incognito, until god only knows when'

However not for me to say; because otherwise this book is just so taut, tense and pacey from the start; that
i got to the end of chapter seven record time- a good sigh- I had though i might scan the first chapter, however went back to it to savour every line as the story line got hold of me, and i did not want to miss any; of it.

Everything sounds so true, despite what you say in the long pitch, that it's all fiction--
one of the better thrillers on this site and again in my opinion, it's a film just waiting to happen- U S marshals, Clinton and Barbara and the bug in the shoe- great stuff.- I feel for the main character Maggie as she continuously looks over her shoulder; not trusting any man that moves or looks at her-

This is one book that i really must know how everything ends up for Maggie.

good luck with it L J -it gets my six stars-

tom bye- Dublin Ireland
book-from hugs to kisses-

Shadow Puppet is the story of Maggie, a woman who knows too much and is put into Witness Protection and given a new identity as Megan. There's nothing far-fetched about the situation that Maggie finds herself in. She could be the woman next door - how many of our friends do we know who end up in relationships such as Maggie's - the kept woman who did as she pleases who happens to fall in love with a jerk seriously on the wrong side of the law. You ask the reader what they might do in Maggie's position - turn the other cheek and carry on with the pleasant life or have the courage to take action - even if you know where that might lead you.........

With a set-up like it's hard to stop reading and you give us a reason for caring about Maggie- wanting to find out what happens to her. I read up until the end of Chapter 3 and you had me hooked... I'd like to read on. Maggie is a credible three dimensional character and her plight is compelling...........

Lambert Nagle - Revolution Earth

Dear Lisa

I have now read all the chapters of "Shadow Puppet" that you have posted on here.

Your story has a great title, cover and pitch. I would definitely pick this up. Your story is fantastic, plausible, and exciting, the tension mounting all the time. I really want to read on. Are you going to upload any more? I like reading your stuff. Very much.

All the best to you. Six stars and on my WL

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))

Shadow Puppet is a fantastic compelling book. I loved the first two chapters where you build up the fear and dread that Maggie/Megan is feeling about her whole lifestyle changing. You had me thinking very deeply about how I would cope with finding myself in that situation. The characters are very real without being over the top. You make the US Marshalls out to be human as well which is often missed in this kind of book. Your writing style is superb and the plot is a real page turner. Six well deserved stars and no hesitation in backing Shadow Puppet.

Kim (Pain)

I confess to being a little upset to run out of material just as the plot has begun to thicken and the MC's situation begins to get more precarious.

Maggie's an easy character to like and to identify with, and her feelings about being relocated and given a new identity have a special poignancy in this time when criminal organizations and governments alike have access to sophisticated technology that can make the lindividual feel not merely vulnerable but entirely powerless.

Maggie does well to question the ability of the marshals to protect her, considering the developments in the last chapters that have been uploaded.

The book reads well, with first person present tense pov used consistently, giving a feeling of intimacy and immediacy. Maggie's difficulties become the reader's and the sense of gathering danger grows more intense as the narrative continues.

Bill

Shadow Puppet- LJ Rutledge
I really like this. I am in 4 chapters and have enjoyed how you slowly pulling back the layers by weaving each new scene with more clues. The writing needs editing (don't we all) but for the most part I think you have a compelling story that is for the most part told well.
I will be continuing on, but wanted to give some stars and back this before I go on.

P Alan Davis
The Red Poppy
Raindancer

Lisa...A good go and I am not even finished reading. Here' cheering for Maggie...RT

Well, LJRutledge, I just read all 11 chapters without stopping. You have developed these characters so well that I can see them in my mind doing everything that happens. You also have humanized the marshal service and the FBI for me, so well that it's easy to believe that this story is actually happening to "you." I was led to your novel by E. Delaney. Just read his "One Wrong Turn" yesterday, and you both leave me hanging. Before I forget, in C6, I believe, you mention the Chek Republic. I looked it up. It's spelled The Czech Republic. Also noticed that you both use "yea" for "yes" Just curious about that. To sum it up I can see thriller movies made from both your novels. Good luck! I'm watchlisting both your novels.
James W. Nelson aka SubRon2
"Daughters"

Shadow Puppet.
A striking cover and a great title. Your short pitch is to the point, and lures me in. The long pitch after that first paragraph wanders a little. Perhaps by making the formidable crime syndicate the subject of that sentence, your message will be strengthened?
I take notes as I write, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. The problem with stories in the first person is the preponderance of the word 'I'!
But the action takes hold from the beginning and the reader is immediately put in the picture.

Do you mind if I show you some nits?
Unnecessary words can safely be deleted to smooth the flow and tighten up the story: absolutely, especially, just, basically, finally, anyway.
You repeat 'finally' in consecutive sentences when he clears his throat. But, if you think of it, if you delete the rest of the paragraph after that first sentence, the message would be even stronger.
Be careful to avoid other repetitions: 'kept it all quiet' doesnt need 'pretended not to know' as well.

That's a neat way of describing what the narrator looks like - and used to look like.

Ch.2. Your style is more fluid and less egotistical in this chapter.
Doesnt this sentence sound rather cumbersome to you - 'I guess, but I cant help but feel bad about the people...'
Wouldnt just saying 'I feel bad...' be enough?
I know your version sounds more like real dialogue, but it is clumsy in the written word, and distracts the reader.

That's an interesting, clever bit about the shoes, and builds the tension nicely.

Ch.3. No worries - I didnt realise that was an Americanism as well as an Australian saying.
More unnecessary words: instantly, pretty (bowled over is a cliche, too).
So, Megan is primed and ready for her new life, yet you have already sowed some seeds of disquiet. You know how to leave a hook.

Ch.4. You dont need the 'out together' after dinner, surely?
I hope we get to hear the details of what Robert did wrong in this story.
Oh - no sooner said..!

I hope I havent been too picky for you. But you have the makings of a good story here, and it is worth getting the writing flowing well, so you can bring the reader along with you on the adventure.
Writing a book is such a tedious business with all the editing and re-editing that has to be done, but it's well worth it in the end. We all have to do it, and be patient with ourselves as we struggle towards elusive perfection!

Jane (Breath of Africa)

Very impressive and well researched. Good plot, good pace, just the things a good thriller should have. Excellent work, backed as soon as I can.

Jack Hughes

L J
'Shadow Puppet' is simply superb! I've read to chapter 7 so far and will definitely read to the end of what you have posted. The way you describe how the US Marshalls deal with 'Megan' and her situation is written so well that you can feel the efficiency of the whole operation in your writing. There is also the underlying threat of her being found which adds to the tension - brilliant!
Jane (Jedye)

Hello L J:

I read all of the chapters of Shadow Puppet which you have uploaded. I enjoyed reading your work and it is clear from the details that you have researched the inner workings of the Witness Protection Program.

Best of success in seeing this novel published.

James

Nice work LJ, fantastic idea also - I think we would all like to know what it would be like to be in the witness protection program... sounds scary... I think in places, the tense is strange. I think you've used present tense the most of the way through this first chapter (im just reading first chapters at the moment, but may flick through the others)... Anyway, I don't think it would be difficult to change some of the wording like... In the 4th last para, where you have " deep down I'm afraid she could be terribly wrong."
could be something like, "Deep down, I was afraid she could be terribly wrong."
Thank you for sharing your writing, I can see you have put a lot of work into this piece, and from the first chapter, it look's a fantastic story. I hope you do well, and I have starred you. :)

This is one of the best books I have read on here. The intensity builds constantly. Great book.

John Lee

You need to put ,in caps, that a reader should down a few tranquilizers before beginning this book. The tension is perfect. I was tense and had to keep reading to see what would happen to Maggie Wilmont.
Well done. Thank you for writing this.

Shadow Puppet.
By L. J. Rutledge.

We get off to a great start to the book with chapter one.
The drive to the airport by Maggie Wilmont, under the protection of US Marshall, Clinton Godfrey.
The story has quite a lot of tension, intrigue and edge- of- the- seat stuff…great beginning to a story that promises to be a thrilling read all round.
Very important to get the reader involved early and your book does so.
Just a couple of pointers below…nothing much.

…It isn’t easy to rip your own life apart, especially when one has had such a comfortable life as me for the past four years…
Would change to…a comfortable life as (I’ve had) for the past four years…
…“Yes, I understand (that) you and I will be flying together… missing word-(that).
“Considering he was just arrested a few days ago… I would say :- …only arrested a few days ago…

I will have to get back to this book, to do it justice…excellent read Lisa. Well done!!
Pleased to star- rate it high on what I’ve seen so far, having read the first ch. and dipped into others at random.

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – SERIES.

Shadow Puppet
Fiction - First person

Pitch. Well written with a great hook. Sounds like a fantastic adventure when a woman turns her boyfriend over to the FBI and is then put into the Witness Protection System with a new ID.

Premise: Wouldn't we all love to escape from our lives at some point? The MC is facing the senario forever! Her perfect life is in the past and she's now adapting to a new life. Sounds really compelling and if carried off, would be widly read.

POV - 1st person. The author has neatly avoided the "I trap". Strong sense of character and stays firmly seated in the MC without wavering. Good job here.

Pacing - It reminds me of making Dulce-de-leche' anticipating the wonderful results of standing in front of the stove, waiting for the plot to thicken. IMO, it would benefit from removal of a good deal of dialog which mostly serves to tell the story rather than show, or adding some action to drive the plot forward. By Chapter 4, not much has happened and the MC is going to bed.

Hooks: IMO, the story would benefit from stong hooks at the end of each chapter. Going to bed is a good time to put the book down.

Mechanics: For the most part, the mechanics are strong. I noted one instance when the word 'breath' was used where 'breathe' should have been used.

Characterizations: Good strong characters, very likable MC. This lady is taking a step into the unknown, but at times, comes across as flat. Maybe in shock or reality hasn't hit yet? The supporting characters would benefit from embodiment and some characteristics.

Dialog: It is a dialog driven story. The dialog is handled quite deftly.

Overall, IMO, Shadow Puppet shows a great deal of promise. The plot/premise is really quite compelling. The mechanics are very strong. The MC is pretty well defined and a strong enough character to keep the reader engaged. But I think the dialog is getting in the way of a good story. It needs some action=reaction to drive the plot forward.

Raechel
Echo

A great read, good hook start and plenty of incident thereafter. I would like to have read to the end. Your characters are well developed, the heroine sympathetic and feisty, the dialogue is natural and the plot believable. You carry on the tension well from chapter to chapter well.
I only have one minor niggle and that is that I feel you overexplain. Just one example
'Because of the frightening things that have gone on over the last few moments I feel a sense of gloom overtake me.' The first section is unnecessary since it is obvious that anyone in the circumstances described is likely to feel gloomy. There were several instances of this nature, where the explanatio n could be cut without any loss, but apart from that I thought you've done a great job. You've been on the shelf nearly a month in testimony! Jaye

Hi, I see you've tagged this YA, but in Chapter one your main character says she's been a stay at home girlfriend for 4 years. The target readership for YA is young-mid-teens (13-16yr olds), and the convention is to have a teen MC of similar age - 17 at most. That would mean the boyfriend is either guilty of underage sex, or your MC is an adult which moves it into adult fiction. In either case the mss is liable to be rejected by an agent specialising in YA fiction.
- NaomiM

I do wish remind this author that the MC should be named in the hook (short pitch).

Lisa, it's impressive, the skill you show in piecing out the story, while at the same time stirring the reader up to Maggie's inward thoughts and feelings, and also harking back to the delusions of her humdrum previous life, which has led to her precarious situation. This demanded not only skilful switching of tenses and persons, but an unobtrusive awakening of each different character into reality, especially Maggie - naive, believable and
a perfect Puppet.
Some improvements:
Chapter 1: "stay-at-home" used as an adjective needs the hyphens.
: "Sickness wells up in my gut" "Gut" or "guts" has been repeatedly used. Perhaps: "I feel violently (horribly, unpleasantly, etc.) sick".
"back peddles" "back-pedals".
"your papers" No apostrophe.
Chapter 2 "carry on bag". "carry-on bag"?
"ladies' apparel" Apostrophe.
"ladies' room" Ditto.
"rest-room". Hyphen.
Chapter 3: (Barbara) "Hey, Megan, " say says" Alert !!!

Congratulations, Lisa. Anyone, young or old, would read this cleverly crafted story.
Highly starred, and WL
David Grant

Wow, this is a great read. I zipped through the first 11 chapters in 40 minutes listening to a Foo Fighters concert. I like it and am interested in reading more. The subject matter is very timely.
Backed with pleasure.
Roberta

Since I cannot seem to find anyone else on here who can follow instructions, I decided to read on in your book.

Chapter 2 is MUCH better! The dialogue is smooth and I find myself wondering if this was not written by a different person. You need to proof / edit / polish CH1 IMMEDIATELY. Had it not been for the fact that I had no other takers, I would never had read CH2 and then on...

I now get the idea that you may have adjusted your narrative (?) in this MS before.

Overuse of adverbs at times.

Introduction of strange character on plane is timely. I felt it coming as CH1 was slow for a 'Thriller'.

Ch3. Back to punctuation. Fine(,) Sam (see that ?)

Another good CH. Story taking shape nicely. The narrative now clearly defines the character's thoughts. Distinct difference here. (???) The Literary Shark is most impressed with this author's articulation of the plot now. Characterisation is good. The reader is getting a good feel for conflict, thoughts and personality of the MC

Noticing that word thrift is improving. As I continue, I am wondering if I have the same book on my screen. Punctuation is better, writing is cleaner. I'm starting to enjoy this story.

Note, The Literary Shark HATES unpolished manuscript reading.

By CH6 I am convinced this manuscript was written in a short period of time (days ?) The Literary Shark just knows these things. I sense the writer coming full-circle with the story. Details are focused, the writing clean and plot developing well. Building the mystery VERY well. I feel like I am reading the work of a professional writer (author).

GO BACK AND FIX THAT FIRST CHAPTER !!! DO IT NOW !!!! I cannot believe the writer allowed this quality read to risk not being seen because of that first chapter.

One little note: In CH6. You did not cap the sentence following intro of news reporter outside the Denver capital.

Overall:
With the exception of Ch1, this is a very good story. It was too slow to start. Details start to grab reader in 2 and continue. A good stopping point was chosen as it has peaked my interest to know what will happen next.

It is difficult to describe the overall appeal of this work because of CH1. There is real promise here. I am going to back this book but will watch to see if repaired before five others appear.

Very clever plot twists, engaging dialogue and real characters accentuate this story. Clever usage of descriptives, knowledge / research and I detect experience shows here.

Polish this work !!!! It was barely acceptable in this regard.



The Literary Shark

LJ,
My first impression was the excellence of the writing as it hummed with life. Then the story took over. I loved the shoes bit in chapter two, giving us the tension we crave at this point. You don't tell us too much too soon. Brava. Highly starred. I intend to come back and read more of this.
Best,
John B Campbell

Hooked by the first paragraph; nicely done. The story held me as I read on and the plot promises to keep me interested. I fully intend to read every chapter you have posted. For now backed and highly rated.
Michael Croucher (Bravo's Veil)

I told Emmett I'd take a quick glance tonight but instead i too a thorough read of the first chapter. It sucked me right in so of course I had to finish it. Very good writing, very good plot. The only thing I'd change is when they meet up with the female marshal at the airport, clarifying that dialogue. I was confused at first - I thought the male had left and it was the female the entire time. I backtracked and got it straightened out. HOWEVER, and I meant to do that, if you read back over that and decide there's no way that could confuse someone, then just write me off as someone that is too tired to be reading anything beyond the numbers on a television remote.
- lisa

Hello LJ (Lisa), As promised I have been looking at your wonderful story. I read it all and am now looking for more. I need to know what happens. There is an urgency about your writing: it drew me into the story completely. There are so many hooks in these eleven chapters and your characters leap off the page. You can feel Megan's panic as she lurches from one dodgy situation to another and then...she meets Mike.
I could really see this is a TV drama or a film because it has all the ingredients for a great production. If it was in a bookshop, I would buy it, it is that good. That is why it thoroughly deserves my 6-star rating. Good luck with this and be persistent. It will be going on my shelf when there is room
Best wishes

Phyllis
PAPER DREAMS & A PASSING STORM

Lisa,
The dry humor at the beginning of "Shadow Puppet" got me hooked, and I haven't been disappointed. Your brisk pacing and engaging dialogue make for an entertaining read. Riding about in Maggie's head as she tackled the dilemma of being in a witness-protection porogram, was a riot. I'm looking forward to more chapters from you soon.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Excellent character development. I feel as if I know Maggie. You have composed a terrific heroine. 6 stars and I could see this as a movie.
Dina of 33 and Halo of the Damned

Lisa-This is terrific. You've got quite psychological thriller going on b/n your main character and the thugs she used to hang out with. Finished the first two chapters and will continue to read. 6 stars. You seem to be an authority on how the witness protection program works. Like the details. They make the story more believable. Dina of 33 and Halo of the Damned

Sounds like a good crime story-like a Goodfellas type of thing. Backed and will soon read. Dina of Halo of the Damned and 33

As I read this, I immediately empathize with Maggie Wilmont. She is in the process of changing her identity which is a daunting prospect. Already I am rooting for her. You cleverly describe her nervousness as she rides with the US Marshal. She’s running scared and she is afraid she is being watched. I have to say, I was alarmed at the shoe incident - its lucky Barbara and Megan have the same size feet but odd that the agent missed them. Suspense builds here in much the same way as their relationship. The dialogue is excellent and the pace of this book is remarkably fast. I like the first case in this instance because it comes across as authentic - you can ‘hear’ the desperation in her voice especially after the phone call ..... Your plot is superb and I am hooked from the beginning. I read all chapters that you uploaded and would love to see more. Great read, highly starred. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

I think I would enjoy this more with the action in my face rather than through the eyes of your narrator. At times I wasn't sure I was seeing the whole picture. For instance, in 7, where she finds exactly what a hornet's nest she's stirred up, we only have her report of her reactions. it would be more dramatic if someone else could be seeing this and remarking upon it. I'm not sure it wouldn't be better reported upon in the past tense throughout.
Lara
GOOD FOR HIM
A FEAST OF TALES (see avatar Good for Her)

Well, Old Bob could learn a thing or two from you, (I didn't look at your critique of his work).

This story can only be written in first person, but, I suggest you change the tense for the odds of you finding an agent who will read this are minimal and the way the market is today, you are looking at rejection - period.

I haven't come across a story in this genre, I can imagine by the foretaste of your imagination this could turn out to be good - just change it to third person.

Drop the adverbs.

And your adjectives.

Punctuation = 100%

Best of luck with your story.

I've really enjoyed what I've been able to read of this so far. It's an exciting book and it's a refreshing branch of YA that we don't see too often. It's proof that a good YA book doesn't have to be fantasy or full of vampires. It's a modern and thought provoking book. You're great with dialogue, use it well, I'd just like to see a little more detail! Oh, I see Bob addressed that below! And my next suggestion, you can do a lot to amp up the suspense here. Just a couple tweaks here and there to leave us on the edge of our seats. Other than that, which is minor, I like this! Great, inspiring character, dealing with real issues. Good luck with this. I think I'll leave it up for a while!

Missy

Hi Lisa. Just finished Chapter 2. I think you have a real story to tell and you do wonders with dialogue. Only one thing. Sometimes it seems a little too casual for a girl running for her life. Even the agent, Barbara, is a little too nonchalant for the situation they're in. Listen, I'm certainly not an editor by any sense of the imagination; but I'd add a little narrative among all the dialogue to better describe the concern Barbara has for the Megan Wheeler. Then, her casual demeanor would have real meaning (for me).

Just trying to be helpful, really.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

If you have an opportunity, I'd appreciate it if you take a quick look at my book, A PLACE IN LIFE, and let me know what your first impressions are. Don't worry, I can take all kinds of criticism.

Look forward to hearing back from you.

Best regards,

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Hi Old Bob!
Thank you for your comments about Shadow Puppet. First person seems to give me a lot of flexibility and makes it easier to thread the time line. I appreciate it that you will make room for it on your shelf.

I have had A PLACE IN LIFE on my watch list for a few days, and have read several chapters of it, given it a star rating and plan to move it to my bookshelf, too. I don't turn over my bookshelf as quickly as I think some other people do in hopes that the authors will receive a more credible amount of credit if they sit there a little long than the quick flips afford them.

Your story is very moving. I actually did cry for your MC when he was taken out of his home. I find it very realistic, particularly for the era in which this would have taken place. I believe you have a real winner here and I look forward to reading more of the book as I find time.

Emmett told me he mentioned to you that I could do you a book cover. I would be happy to entertain that prospect. I am a professional graphics designer by trade and if you want to throw out some image concepts that you want to see, I can browse for elements to make it work. Just let me know.

Thanks and best regards,
Lisa

Hi LJ. I loved your first chapter - doesn't seem much like YA right now. You have such a smooth delivery (I guess they call it voice) and you write in first person. I like that, that's how I write. I think the thing that makes the writing read so natural is your wonderful references to normal things, like the old victrola. Some of us still remember them. I had one as a kid. Anyway, SHADOW PUPPET soounds interesting and I want to read more of it. Right now I don't have room on my shelf or WL, but will move your book on as soon as a place opens up.

If you have an opportunity, I'd appreciate it if you take a quick look at my book, A PLACE IN LIFE, and let me know what your first impressions are. Don't worry, I can take all kinds of criticism.

Look forward to hearing back from you.

Best regards,

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Lisa, Shadow Puppet is really good! You have me on the edge of my chair. I have really come to care about Megan, the way she talks, thinks. I like Barbara and hope she stays in the story. Your story, too, flows. I find it very believable. These FBI and Justice Department people don't mess around, this is for real. I read three chapters and will read more. Eventually, I will back Shadow Puppet, but it may be a while. I hope you understand that have a back log. In the meantime I'll cover it with stars. Good luck. I like your cover, too. Did you design it?
Caroline
Summer Rose

Thank you Caroline! I understand about having a backlog. I have maxed out my watch list. I'm grateful for all your comments. My goal is to make the characters believable. I've actually had a passion about this story for a long time, but it took me a while to get started on it. I actually spent some time working in law enforcement, so I've worked with public safety people from every walk. I hope I can bring that familiarity to life in this book.

I did design my cover. I have done Emmett's covers, too. At present, I'm a graphics designer by trade, hopeful to add published author to my resume before too much longer.

Thanks again!
Lisa

Lisa, Shadow Puppet is really good! You have me on the edge of my chair. I have really come to care about Megan, the way she talks, thinks. I like Barbara and hope she stays in the story. Your story, too, flows. I find it very believable. These FBI and Justice Department people don't mess around, this is for real. I read three chapters and will read more. Eventually, I will back Shadow Puppet, but it may be a while. I hope you understand that have a back log. In the meantime I'll cover it with stars. Good luck. I like your cover, too. Did you design it?
Caroline
Summer Rose

I read the first chapter, and, I have to admit, I agree with Blueboy. The entire beginning reads like a synopsis. I read your pitch (very good) and had the premise well in hand. I was surprised to find the premise outlined for me again at the start of the chapter. I like to think of fiction as a case of the ripple effect: one uses point of view to either ripple outward from the skipped stone or ripple inward from the universe to the site of the strike. Put us in somebody's head, preferrably your MC's, and take us deep inside the MC's world. I would drop the summarization and start with the dialogue (which is often snappy and real), spiced with inner thoughts. You have a winner of a concept here, a good situation, a strong MC, and you have talent. Carve this down to the bare bones, and you will have something.

L.

you have a strong and interestintg story here. but the structure of the narrative is a bit off in my opinion for this genre. i looked around in the first chapter and could not find a good starting point. but you know your book better than anyone else. just start whever your first bit of really strong compelling action is, and back story everthing else. in a thriller you really want to start with thrill, so rising action is a must to start things off. grab your reader's attention and draw them into the story. you have interesting characters also, that are fleshed out well--but you really should take a look at your dialogue and edit it. it's too protrated and formal. a light conversational touch works better. don't have your characters speak too formally--or in volumes as though the information is meant for the reader. it needs to be casual and conversational. large bits of info, if it is a must, should be reveal artfully in the narrative. generally, information delivered in dialogue should be broken down and revealed gradually, either in an ongoing conversation between two characters, or, if by one characer, slowly (in natural flowing conversation) over the course of a few paragraps. doing so will give it a more natural feel, structure, and seem less forced. all and all, a compelling story with merit and marketablity. please read some of my book when you have time and let me know what you think . enjoyed what i've read so far and i will read more. hope this feedback is helpful


blueboy

Very cerebral thriller this. Present tense narration from Maggie/Megan gives an immediacy to the plot and an edge of the seat feel as we know anything might suddenly happen. The story is packed with detail, as if the author might have once been an FBI informant herself and there is therefore a feeling of authenticity.We start with Maggie/Megans drive to the airport and flight to her new life in a nice house near Atlanta. We are filled in with her personal backstory as we go. The tension/drama is being wound up slowly. A tracking device in her shoe/being followed on the plane/the phone call by a mystery caller with a message from her criminal expartner Robert all serve to wind up the tension. However the pace could be quicker still and it may have been better to experience first hand with Maggie the realisation that her life with rich Robert was a sham rather than hear about it in a back story. There is probably too much conversation and unimportant detail in the text and Maggies emotional response to her new situation hasn't been explored fully. We need to know more about her inner life as opposed to her thoughts on the investigation and FBI agents around her. Its an involving story however and I will certainly be reading on when more is uploaded. Maggie/Megan is just realising how huge the human trafficking case (mostly eastern european women but some should be 'czech' rather than 'chek') she is mixed up in really is. A romance with Agent Mike Fulbright is on the cards but I have the distinct feeling that it wont only be agent Judy who is mugged by the desperate gang of criminals who want to silence maggie. More thrills and action required but with a bit more polish this could be top notch.

regards

Brian

Now here is a well executed story. Plot structure begins right away and all the coal is thrown on the fire to keep it burning. It is clear that you have done your homework in regards to your subject matter. That is always a plus when reading a book such as this.

I like the twists and turns that your story takes. Each explained clearly, and appears to be that which is most possible and realistical. I could see this one being a screenplay very easily.

You are very good with dialogue. I like the way your character integrates her thought processes of reaction in every scene. I found myself establishing a relationship with the main character quickly and felt a kindred link to her plight.

I believe this one will go to the top as it one of the best I have read on here. (6 stars)

Sincerely,

Emmett
(E M Delaney)
-THE VIRUS

Coming Soon:
MIRACLE IN THE SWAMP

Dear L J, I love that Maggie was honest & turned in her boyfriend for human trafficking when she found out, as your pitch portrayed. :) Your tight dialogue & paragraphs, not to mention the intrigue of Maggie's safety moved me right through chapter 11. :) Stars were in my eyes for "Megan" as she talks to Mike & feels attracted to him. :) "Maybe they will get married & live happily ever after," I said out loud. :) I love happy endings. :) I was thinking of what I would miss if I had to leave home on the run abruptly :) - not quilts & books, but probably all of my pictures of family & friends that i have all around my chair as I sit her homebound with lupus - my photos keep me company. :) I have read, commented on, & put your book on my watchlist to read & to also at least 24 hour back when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :)