NANDI and the Renewal of Serenity

I like the flow of this. The opening has a great voice and gait of speech. The prologue can be strengthened by a more precise focus on the slave as it’s his conflict the reader is interested in. I feel the bullying scene is a great open for your first chapter. The perspectives and scene before it should be cut and the reader should be hurled into the bullying. It’s a great scene, with a some clashing personalities, that grabs the reader and keeps their attention. If the bullies were as defined as your lead trio, and described with the same intent, you will really exploit that great scene. The more dynamic this conflict is, the more the reader will be invested in the character’s following adventures. The story is a good read.

The prologue had a different sort of flow. Into chapter one there are a few over punctuated sections. To see the initial voice applied to a specific setting would also be interesting. I took notes from the prolog and the first half of chapter one, but similar comments for the remainder of the chapter. So here are some notes on structure:

(…the sun would fall in a manner that priests could never explain.)
The rest are active verbs and the pace is good for the desired voice, keep the flow in the last sentence. Would fall in a manner=fell in manners priests.

(and many believed to be a myth.)
‘others’ believed, as you’re describing a counter understanding.

(They spoke of a black slave … came upon a mirage.)
It would be interesting to have a quick set up for the condition he’s escaping.

(begged the god for mercy)
Which one? The Egyptian book of the dead may help identify a suitable one.

(Almost in an instant,)
Though the vagueness works for the opening voice, you’re discussing specific actions here. Cut ‘almost in an instant’ as your actions here are active, and it references an undefined time.

(Mysterious as the water had appeared)
Don’t explicitly use the word ‘mysterious’ here as that’s the feeling you’re going for. Just show the rainforest, sandbanks and waterfall.

(Whilst he quenched his thirst at the river, the day was abruptly swallowed by a silvery light that masked the sun.)
Cut ‘whilst’ and replace the comma with an ‘and.’ It’s better for flow and instead of fusing the parts of the sentence with whilst, the actions are fused by their proximity.

( Then, an eerie,)
Cut ‘then’ as it’s an undefined time. For some reason I want to read the sentence ‘the startled slave’s ears…’ As it probably takes a male a while after escape from slavery to think of himself as a man.

(and then disappeared, returning the waterfall and the daylight to its original state.)
The object is confused here. Start a new sentence so it’s clear you’re talking about the orb.

(Since his arrival, over and over, after each and every gulp of water, he continued in an uncontrollable gibber, rambling in the manner of a madman.)
This sentence doesn’t flow as well as your others. ‘Continued’ isn’t a strong action here.

(Nothing he said made sense until someone asked,)
If you want to precede this dialog, then do it with a strong visual of the questioner approaching. I want to see this person with a sharp visual, old man/old woman, skin tone and some indication they’re a person of vast experiences. Don’t telegraph with ‘someone asked’ just deliver the line.

("Yes-yes, it exists.)
Cut this part of the dialog. The remaining dialog is strong without it.

( in the sandcave.)
Two words, unless it’s the name of a cave.

( he continued,)
Cut this red tag, ‘he animatedly gestured…’

( he rambled on, extending)
Same here.

(Needless to say, as he spoke they did listen)
‘They listened carefully as he spoke.’

(Dazed, his bulging red eyes began to shift.)
Did something happen to his eyes?

(suffering from sunstroke)
Not sure the ancient Egyptians were familiar with various forms of unconsciousness. The term ‘stroke’ or a familiar translation may be something unfamiliar. Not sure though, don’t take my word for it.

(The hourglass had emptied … the story of Nandi…)
The reader is more interested in the slave’s story. Keep any history lesson succinct.

(It was hot … in the heat. )
Good visual. ‘Few hints of wafts’ a waft already seems like something slight. Wisped on the wafts sounds a little funny though.

(In the street of the marketplace)
The marketplace streets.

(kohl-traced eyes noted)
Describe the eyes, then the event. It will then be evident that the character is noting. The eyes don’t note.

(Tall and athletic…softened the look even more.)
I like the descriptions of this paragraph. The more oblique descriptions like big feet, are good establishing statements.

(Strolling casually by, not once giving any table, tent or trader a glance, the merchant…)
Confused objects in this sentence. The merchant isn’t committing these actions. Replace ‘continued’ with a greater visual action.

( never noticed once that a few of the peasant children had begun to follow them.)
‘…didn’t notice the (cool adjective) of children following them.’

(pouted Bakari)
The context should imply pouting so you don’t have to state it.

( boasted Nandi )
Boasting should be implied, by the words so you don’t have to state it. It more or less it, so stating it is redundant. I’m a tag nazi though, I like dialog that flows with very little interruption, supported by strong actions and a context that conveys not only how a character says something, but all the subtleties in between. If you adjust your actions and frame correctly, you should very seldom have to tell the reader who is speaking. The more tags like replied, boasted, exclaimed, proclaimed, or anything similar, the more you’re dictating and telling rather than showing. Let the characters take over and get out of their way.

(“Just think, perhaps we can store some,” said Bakari.)
Clear and short. If you need a tag this one works. Simple and unfiltered.

(At that very moment)
Cut this reference to time, and start with a strong visual of the bombardment.

(In an instant,)
Cut this

( Where do you wicked squalor asked my permission to go?”)
Is asked intended to be ask?

(Intimidated for sure)
Remove this. Telling. Let the context and character actions imply the intimidation.

(Nandi hung her …brushing her skin.)
Good characterization of Nandi.

You should start your story with the barrage of rocks on the trio. The opening visual is good, but can be described very succinctly as you plunge straight into this conflict. The bullying is far more compelling from a character standpoint, and makes for a great opening.

( one single huge tear, rolled down her cheek.)
Cliché, choose something more off kilter to inject the character with more identity.

Make the bullies more three dimensional. Describe them with the same intent as the trio, as it will magnify the conflict.

Hi Tony
You are the first to find the prologue difficult, still I thank you for the critique. I have tested the book for the easy of reading at several elementary school here in NC and kids in my age range found the book to be an exciting, good read. I have emails froma few kids who loved the opening, the landing of a space ship..

I must admit that some did say that kids that are not avid readers would find the opening a bit challenging , not easy to visualize. When I ran this pass my editor she said to keep it because kids need to be challenged. I know that some will find the opening boring but I tend to go with the majority. However we did miss the repeating of the word 'fell" this will definitely be corrected.

I am sorry your sons found my book boring! But I cannot win them all. Still keep the critiques coming because I do write to please as many as possible..

Again thanks!

I read the prologue and to be frank, I found it hard to follow and I am an adult. It is well written and has plenty of interesting descriptions however I was concerned about the level so I asked one of my teenage sons to read some. He was confused and quickly found an excuse to stop. Chapter one is much easier to read and follow.
…fell to his knees…fell face down…’ maybe change one ‘fell.
In my opinion you should decide either to make it of children or young adult. If you want it to be for children, the prologue should be simplified with less complex paragraphs and a more structured flow. Since the writing is of high quality, I will put it on my shelf for a few days.
Tony
Life Bringer

I do sincerely thank you for your critique. In relation to the age audience, another has stated the same concern. I am considering each and every thought.

I will change the beginning to a more elementary flow. 'Wisemen' were in that era considered as those astute by the Pharaohs - High Priest, Viziers, etc. This I shall keep..As for the 'the bushmen of the Kalahari' ...there are none in this novel. The 'small ones' are characters I made-up. They are 'Twarfs' brought to earth from a celestial home. I now know maybe I need to make this piece clearer.

Agian continue to 'kick' me awake. These I need to improve.

Again the sincerest of thanks
VC

First, your premise and Story look good, just read your Prologue & ch 1 so far, but the general shape is apparent.
Some of your language could be better chosen.
The very first sentence is far too convoluted, especially for a kid's book.-- 'Many moons had long passed overhead when countless stories were told ---' This might be better as, for example - 'Long ago' or 'for a long time' or even 'For/during many cycles of the moon' -- '
'Wise men and those who were charmed' - do you perhaps mean those who were 'seers' or 'visionaries'?
'crop fields' - perhaps 'how the crops grew in the fields; 'his home in Nit, Kemet' perhaps 'his home in Nit, the city, in Kemet';
You refer to 'the bushmen of the Kalahari' a bit remote geographically, wouldn't it be better to just refer to 'small people', 'pygmies' or 'bushmen' without an actual location given? - The Kalahari is presently the last stronghold, but they were much more widespread in the long-ago.
The first chapter flows much more smoothly, no difficult sentences or spelling or grammar nits to pick.
Should do well, and your target audience will like it.

I read the prologue and to be frank, I found it hard to follow and I am an adult. It is well written and has plenty of interesting descriptions however I was concerned about the level so I asked one of my teenage sons to read some. He was confused and quickly found an excuse to stop. Chapter one is much easier to read and follow.
…fell to his knees…fell face down…’ maybe change one ‘fell.
In my opinion you should decide either to make it of children or young adult. If you want it to be for children, the prologue should be simplified with less complex paragraphs and a more structured flow. Since the writing is of high quality, I will put it on my shelf for a few days.
Tony
Life Bringer

First, your premise and Story look good, just read your Prologue & ch 1 so far, but the general shape is apparent.
Some of your language could be better chosen.
The very first sentence is far too convoluted, especially for a kid's book.-- 'Many moons had long passed overhead when countless stories were told ---' This might be better as, for example - 'Long ago' or 'for a long time' or even 'For/during many cycles of the moon' -- '
'Wise men and those who were charmed' - do you perhaps mean those who were 'seers' or 'visionaries'?
'crop fields' - perhaps 'how the crops grew in the fields; 'his home in Nit, Kemet' perhaps 'his home in Nit, the city, in Kemet';
You refer to 'the bushmen of the Kalahari' a bit remote geographically, wouldn't it be better to just refer to 'small people', 'pygmies' or 'bushmen' without an actual location given? - The Kalahari is presently the last stronghold, but they were much more widespread in the long-ago.
The first chapter flows much more smoothly, no difficult sentences or spelling or grammar nits to pick.
Should do well, and your target audience will like it.

Dear Vanessa, I love that you are making a trilogy of your Egypt story as you told in your pitch. :) Nanci sounds so driven to do what is right & is so personable. :) As soon as I read about the Prince, I got stars in my eyes for eventually Nandi becoming a princess. :) Your prologue well-prepared me for your story & I am so glad you are teaching me Egyptian history because I am terrible at learning history in high school & am now 70 :) - your wonderful action-packed story brings it alive. :) Your tight paragraphs & dialogue, not to mention your touch of fantasy, brought me right through chapter 6. :) I even learned some of a new language. :) You are a master storyteller. :) I have read, commented on, & put your book on my watchlist to read & to also at least 24 hour back when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every *****-ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :) - click on author's name, scroll down & click on book cover or title :) - & away you go :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted & is written my best from my heart. :)

Thanks for the comment.

The formatting is an upload issue, I think from my end. the italics were my idea. I will fix this and upload it again. Thanks. I need the critique all of it good and bad. I am new here and still trying to figure out what file extension is used to upload my cover (which is a PDF). Can you assist me with this?

Good start, more than enough here to hook the reader and I'm sure this sort of tale would appeal to children and adults - at least the ones who have retained some sense of wonder at the world! There's a few oddly placed italics and bold fonts, and some of the text is just plain HUGE, but this might be a formatting problem on upload. Worth a look though as it did distract me a little. I'll look forward to seeing the story unfurl, and good luck with it.

Good start, more than enough here to hook the reader and I'm sure this sort of tale would appeal to children and adults - at least the ones who have retained some sense of wonder at the world! There's a few oddly placed italics and bold fonts, and some of the text is just plain HUGE, but this might be a formatting problem on upload. Worth a look though as it did distract me a little. I'll look forward to seeing the story unfurl, and good luck with it.

When you say ' active' explain. Also I notice you read the Hobbit. this is the genre I hope to get in. Open for opinion even the bad ones.

Send me a link to your book.

interesting narrative. i would shoot for a more active voice but your descriptions and flow are well done. please read some of my book when you have time and let me know what you think


blueboy

interesting narrative. i would shoot for a more active voice but your descriptions and flow are well done. please read some of my book when you have time and let me know what you think


blueboy