undo redo

David -

undo red - this sparkles - such a joy to read, like being immersed in a colourful life-current of the imagination. I'm totally taken by the play, the twists and turns of sumptuous words dancing and making music that pleases all my senses. Glad I found this. I reposted my earlier comment to cheer you up :) Pia

Undo Redo is possibly one of the most unique books I’ve read here. What to call it? A thinking-man’s romance, perhaps? Author David Breitling has a great style where complex narratives and high concepts (it’s about neuro-scientists after all) are mixed in with rather base dialog where one person is simply responding to questions for a long string of talking. There are also times when things are happening within the succinct dialog which may sound confusing, but is actually a pretty good representation of how real people think and act at the same time. I believe the author uses these vastly differing styles to show that everyone is human and normal, even highbrow scientific types, and also that everyone is both sane and completely (at least a little) crazy at the same time. I suspect that Breitling is a skilled observer of human nature. That he can translate that into realistic characters on the page is a real skill.

I’ve written a lot about the style more so than the story, but I think the style in this case is a big part of the narrative. In a way, it takes on its own role in how the story unfolds. That is not to say that the book isn’t a pleasant read. While it’s not the typical brainless Harlequin Romance that people will cozy up with at the beach, Undo Redo does offer an engaging romance. In a way, it’s kind of the literary fiction equivalent to a romance novel with all the plusses (great characterization, deep meaning, a classic style) that entails.

In terms of the mass market, I’m not sure how Undo Redo would play out. I’m sure it would achieve critical acclaim and a devoted following. And those willing to put in the work will find greater rewards inside than a typical consumer title would offer. I enjoyed it very much.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

One in a while I find a book here--and it's not that often--where my mind is just spinning and I'm not sure how I can succinctly comment on it, because there is so much to say. Certainly one of the more original books I've found in a long time and I'm always so incredibly humbled when I find a writer who has found a compelling and new way with form. But aside from that, I get a feeling from your work that you are someone who knows exactly what you want from your art and that you have not compromised 1% of your vision in the creation of it. Gushing aside, what I loved about this: you have an amazing, memorable way of conveying images, descriptions that make us pause and ruminate, pause and let the image soak in without taking away from the reading experience. Examples:

"His blue eyes vitrified in Walmart frames."
"His face got corrugated, like an omelet."
"Her face an asterix on a comma."

Your dialogue is entertaining and illuminating. I did have some trouble with the form at first, your refusal to assign "he said" "she said" tags...but after a couple of chapters, I warmed to it and began to appreciate it even. Of course you have some issues with formatting and punctuation. I would advise that you get help with cleaning those aspects up, because I'm afraid you may turn away potential readers. At times the formatting made the reading a bit cumbersome.

On a deeper level than your compelling descriptions and dialogue, you have much simmering below the surface. The student, working on his "neuro-physiology of the unconscious" (whatever is that?!?!?), meeting the visual artist. I loved the artist's first work, the candy that would unfocus and focus. I have a feeling this is a foreshadowed metaphor for the relationship between the two or hey, maybe life in general. Loved the bit where he's calling about an apartment and ruminating about spring, and time...this gives us such insight into him.

Well, I could probably go on and on. Very excited to find this work and will be putting on my shelf promptly, perhaps even on my favorites list as it has had quite an effect on me.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

I think authors who publish editor's comments on their books are very brave, but I am puzzled by this one and not sure that it is very much help to you as a fledgling author. The editor seems to be writing about a different book. I have searched in vain through chapter 9 for the passages he/she quotes. Nor could I find them in a fast read of the rest of the book. I also find the comments on style curious. They seem to be at variance with the way the book is actually written and with your intentions as a writer.
I am obviously not a publisher, but in my view to advise at the end of the comment that the "suggested edits" would be enough to make the book suitable for publication is raising false expectations. I do agree, however, that it is "up to the author" to decide "his priorities".
Incidentally, on a point of detail and as a former editor myself, I was surprised come across in the comment an intrusive apostrophe in a plural and the use of the word realness - not in my dictionary - in place of reality.

Leslie Rocker

I can't believe the HC reviewer called your writing "pretentious."

I'm shocked.

David: Read this when i first came to authonomy and understand how it has made it ranks. Complex yet captivating. Congratulations.
Red

Oh! It's a shame that I took so long to review this! It's well written and I love the culture and science that you bring into it. And it starts off beautifully. The last few lines after "...drifing off" are really...just gorgeous. This book definatly deserves the success it has gained. Way to make art with your words.

Neicy

Extremely good read. Intense, the words light up images like flashing lights on a christmas tree, one after another. the story flows and isn't bogged down by backfill. Extremely well done.
Frank

"undo redo" is right up there with the tiny handful of honestly unique writing styles, and it has been an incredible experience reading this work. It is my understanding, from a short critique David did on my book, that he seems to feel it is paramount that the writer should create material that enables the reader to feel as though s/he were the character, and his writing style successfully manages this with grace and integrity. This is truly a success in the field of "show don't tell." I don't have anything helpful to add to the comments (other than to suggest another run-through for typo's) because I found nothing I wanted to see changed in the story. I highly recommend "undo redo" to anyone who enjoys an excellently crafted story and a fascinating, albeit somewhat painful journey.

David, I sincerely wish you all the best!

Judy

P.S.

After reading more, I want to say more but I don't feel able to put words together to adequately express the appreciation I feel for having had the opportunity to read this work. However, I desperately want to try ---

There are lines and paragraphs that are so beautiful or so clever, or so perfect, you have to stop and think about them, just stop reading and appreciate for a moment, the beauty of the way the words have been utilized, each word apparently chosen with great consideration.

For instance:

"She was a story of awe, as if awe had taken hold and made of her face, its new home."

There are many instances when dialogue and narrative thoughts pushed me to stop and consider what I just read simply because the ideas and observations expressed were so very worth thinking about.

"undo redo" is truly literary art at its finest.

"Innovative, challenging, uncompromising in content and original in style. It pushes boundaries and demands that the reader does the same. No half measures with this; relentless, hits you full on and sustains the pace throughout. It will polarise. But 'unfocus, eliminate the wall from view... and whao' open your mind, go with it, let it carry you along. I have read nothing quite like this. I love it."

First posted back in December - this book is so different it was bound to divide opinion.

By the third "whoa" I wanted to put my head through the computer. Your pitch is terrible, your story is better. But I could not get interested enough to keep reading.

Good luck with your review.

Is this not self indulgent clap-trap ?

I'm really liking your style, brother. I true prose stylist, to quote Stephen King. I like how the driving force of your story is mainly a stream of thoughts and imagery. It's also a very intriguing story. Very different. I'm hooked. I've rated very highly.

David-

After the first chapter, I can't help but reflect. I'll go farther, of course, as there's little to criticize. There's a lot to react to, however.

Only this far, I'm unsure what I've read. I get that the narrator was in a psychiatric hospital, and the dialogue suggests he's a senior member of the staff, yet the mental drifts seem so disjointed and random, it's hard to know if he doesn't actually belong. May seem brutish to say, so please, let me clarify:
There are dozens of succinct, crystalline moments of observation which form absolute images in my mind. The vocabulary, while accurate, seems to this reader almost raving as it leaps from moment to moment. I can't tell if the author is recording his stream of consciousness or if it's the deliberate construction of a genius (yet not entirely sane) mind.

While not entirely obvious, that was a sincere complement.

I'll hold off saying anymore until I've gone further.

On to Chapter 2...

Chap 2

I feel like I just watched a Swedish movie with French subtitles. I speak neither Swedish, nor French.

The impressions are there, regardless. Color, Movement, And Mood, in abundance.

On to chapter 3

After three chapters, I'm ready to offer this book a resounding endorsement.

It isn't for me.

That's an endorsement? Yeah. Because I'm into hard facts, cold machines. I'm a SF geek fer chrissakes.

This is so much more than genre fiction. It's got style. It's different. Fantastic. So what if I didn't like it? That's only a statement of personal taste. Has nothing to do with the fact I find a remarkable mind at work here.

Some people are great at math. I friggin *hate* it. But I marvel at those who are really good at it. The ones who have an intuitive flair for it. That's how I see Undo Redo. Respect to your talents, sir.

-geek

Great News! Hope they enjoy it as much as I did.

Margaret Woodward

Great News! Hope they enjoy it as much as I did.

Margaret Woodward

I finished reading your Undo, and I must say I usually read only a couple of chapters but in your case I read the whole thing. The language is something I really like, is unique, is original, is post modern in the sense that you instead of planting an image on the reader's mind, assume the reader has plenty so instead, play with them.
You establish place like a film director; a studied shot:

"the spread of sofas thrown chessboard-like; black-white-black-white"
"printers and computers assembled with monastic succession"
"tables in a grid; tight in between, like beetles in a tree"
"flower pots descending chiaroscuro-like"
'The grid on which they stood created a trembling vanishing point on the window wash, making Fourteen Street hung, as if stirred by glass"

That last one is the dissolve shot film makers make; for a cinephile like myself that is eye candy.
Throughout, the design prevails over the image, again like a painter/film director does.
Rather than plant images in my head, you are playing with images that ALREADY EXIST in my head.
That I had never seen before and is dramatic.

Finally you are unfolding emotional landscapes rather than showing them

"His pommels a Morris Louis gathered, relaxed now curved next, eyes gyrating then gleaming, his absence not pre-meditated but set, showing at the outset uninvited, the sour grief it brought, parsimoniously filling - lit now, unlit next - his entire persona acquiring a squeamish quality, like a Biafra child staring at the camera"

another one:

"Her face swallowed a smile to hide beneath. Unable to, it gave way to a pose; the back pressing against the neck, the eyes twinkling. The spoon in her hand started playing with the lentils, as if awaiting instructions; again, she tried to issue a smile, as if by decree. Midway to, it turned into an anxious beam supported by the merest of wills. From then on she gave up, the pressure on her face such that the pommels turned corrugated, like paper sent to the trash"

That kind of unfolding - again very cinematic - is majestic. We feel it as we read it.
This one sensational novel

1000 stars.

HI,

What could I say about your work. For sometime I thought I was encyclopedia. There is lots of things. I really liked it.

All the best,
S.Vinay Kumar,
10 roses for love

Hello David' Undo Redo'
i have read chunks of your book before and back in now to read more.
it had to be one of the better books on site in many a new moon.
i have no doubt that it will be published soon and if not, it should be. It's only a matter of time.
i have no hesitation in giving it six stars, now.
tom bye ' from hugs to kisses'
good luck

You have contributed considerably to my ability to write. I have known for a long time that a work needs to flow, but the smooth and seamless flow in Undo Redo has given me the example I needed to drive the point home and force me in a good direction of change. Though I don't know what you are saying about half the time, I suspect it is my shortcoming and not yours. Obviously, you don't need my backing, but, having backed the best book ever to appear on authonomy, Breath in the Dark, I want the gratification of being a (highly theoretical) part of your success. I have never cared for James Joyce, but I shall probably appreciate him more in the future. It seems as though his style is an exaggerated form of yours. I like yours better because I can understand enough of it to appreciate it. How you are able to pull up so many great similes, metaphors, etc., is a wonder to me. James Apologist

David:

I did a speed read of your book and did not have the usual success getting and overview and a good outline of what you have written. I had to go back and read some pasaages in a more coventional style to make even a modestly intelligent comment.

I iwll not try to critique your style because it is so unique I do not think I could do you justice. I will not try to campture your story because it is a free story that, like a couple of wild horses, defies capture. I can only say that it is compelling, fascinating, entertaining, and ingeniously humerous.

I am giving it six stars and putting it on my watch list. When there is an opening (hopefully soon), I will put it on my book shelf and back it.

My books may not be interesting to you but if you get a chance I woulld appreciate a brief comment anyway.

Good luck with this project,

Earl Cripe, PhD

Don't just back a book that you don't understand, just because it makes you look ignorant; must people can't follow this book well, but they won't admit to being oblivious to its understanding. It's better to be thought of as a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. This IS written to confuse you into thinking that its not total rubbish.

What a pain in the butt to read. Gotta go, need to have some soothing teeth drilling sounds now. Or, maybe, can I get a recording of fingernails on a chalkboard, to help me get my sanity back?

David -

undo red - this sparkles - such a joy to read, like being immersed in a colourful life-current of the imagination. I'm totally taken by the play, the twists and turns of sumptuous words dancing and making music that pleases all my senses. Glad I found this. I reposted my earlier comment to cheer you up :) Pia

Undo redo. It’s, THE EMPERORS NEW CLOTHES. Syndrome everybody else sees them, so I had better not let on that I don’t, enough said.
When Andre Previn told Eric Morecambe that he was playing the wrong notes. Eric replied that he was playing all the right notes but not necessary in the right order. I guess that applies to writing.

Hello David!

I´m currently in one of the liveliest cities in the world (Rio de Janeiro) waiting for my mate to return from the dentist. Its a situation strangely reminiscent of your book (which I have just read the first 6 chapters of) where the fantastical and the everyday constantly duke it out for supremacy. I don´t always understand whats happening in undo redo, but I don´t mind, there´s always another indoor firework being lit within the text, always something to hold my attention. I sense that you had fun writing this, and that makes it a pleasure to read. Backed and rated highly, not that you need it!

Dave Ocelot
Boomerang

Sorry but I just didn't find this gripping for me. I found the beginning a little confusing and felt that was where you lost my attention though I did attempt to read further. Best of luck with it though.

Backed and stared undo redo.Enjoyed your book. recommed by CC Brown.

Hi David,

To say I like this work is an understatement. It is brilliant. I'm BACKING and STARRING it and I wish you all the best for the future.

Frank James (The Contractor)

Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a general reader, since I know next-to-nothing about writing this kind of novel.

The pitch hints at some potentially interesting facets, but I’m not certain it would win my attention in a bookstore. The MCs are a neuroscientist (unsure why this is capitalized) and an artist—that could be an interesting combination. But while the language is skillfully woven, I don’t get much drawing me into the uniqueness of the story—they fall in love, things get in the way. This is almost certainly just my personal preference, though.

As I read the first three chapters, it was clear that weaving the language with imagery and metaphor is your focus. In fact, certain passages I could almost imagine being the product of a poetry slam.

This, however, is why I feel I may not be the intended audience for this work. When I want poetry, I go to poetry. When I go to a novel, I enjoy beautiful language, but I want a story. In a character-driven literary novel, I want to feel what the characters feel, understand their motivations and quandaries.

For me, there is too much language without communication. I couldn’t grasp a human connection to your characters, something I could relate to, because the word-weaving was so thick in their actions and the MC’s thoughts, so tightly surrounding the dialogue. The weave was too tight for their souls to breathe through.

I see you have an offer from a publisher, so if I am not in your intended audience, my opinion has negligible value. On a technical note, I did notice grammar and punctuation errors seemed to pop up more frequently in the third chapter, so a little extra polish might ensure you put the best possible product up for HC’s review.

You clearly have a strength for figurative language, and I wish you continued luck with your endeavors.

Love this descriptive teaser, well written, very visual:

"These are two that despite their best, keep bumping against furniture. And when the floor beneath their feet falls off, they set out to test the limits of personal re-invention."

On my WL!!
Justis Call
Snow Bound &
Prestidigitations

unquie and fresh from page one, I wouldn't be surpised if this gets published. Regarless of what happens, I think you are a fresh voice of a writer when a lot of writers are writing remakes of the same story.

Congats on your writing and best wishes for your writing career.

Best regards,
Chipper Newman

undo redo was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. I was was not disappointed. Happy to BACK your work. Thanks.
Sue50

After three chapters, I'm ready to offer this book a resounding endorsement.

It isn't for me.

That's an endorsement? Yeah. Because I'm into hard facts, cold machines. I'm a SF geek fer chrissakes.

This is so much more than genre fiction. It's got style. It's different. Fantastic. So what if I didn't like it? That's only a statement of personal taste. Has nothing to do with the fact I find a remarkable mind at work here.

Some people are great at math. I friggin *hate* it. But I marvel at those who are really good at it. The ones who have an intuitive flair for it. That's how I see Undo Redo. Respect to your talents, sir.

-geek

Chap 2

I feel like I just watched a Swedish movie with French subtitles. I speak neither Swedish, nor French.

The impressions are there, regardless. Color, Movement, And Mood, in abundance.

On to chapter 3

Although I have enjoyed what I have read here, I imagined that this may divide people a little, but judging from the comments, that doesn't seem to be the case. I say this because I think if you lose your place on a page, you may have to go back a few lines to properly pick up where you were.
The story itself intrigued me, though. Original and believable characters, I think that this is a bit of a one-off that, I imagine, would attain success though reader recommendations rather than an obvious advertising campaign. Backed.

The Nomad

THE ISLAND EXPERIMENT

David-

After the first chapter, I can't help but reflect. I'll go farther, of course, as there's little to criticize. There's a lot to react to, however.

Only this far, I'm unsure what I've read. I get that the narrator was in a psychiatric hospital, and the dialogue suggests he's a senior member of the staff, yet the mental drifts seem so disjointed and random, it's hard to know if he doesn't actually belong. May seem brutish to say, so please, let me clarify:
There are dozens of succinct, crystalline moments of observation which form absolute images in my mind. The vocabulary, while accurate, seems to this reader almost raving as it leaps from moment to moment. I can't tell if the author is recording his stream of consciousness or if it's the deliberate construction of a genius (yet not entirely sane) mind.

While not entirely obvious, that was a sincere complement.

I'll hold off saying anymore until I've gone further.

On to Chapter 2...

I really like this story and will continue reading when I get the chance (Sorry for the late comment...I keep having problems with the network filtering Authonomy at work).

Overall, I think the story flows very well, especially the confident use of dialogue in the chapters. (ie. You don't flood your conversations with "he said", "she said" etc after every sentence spoken by the characters). This, in my view, helps the story to flow nicely (I, on the other hand, am not as confident with dialogue in my book in that respect).

Also, combining the talk with the structure at the beginning (the "six months earlier" bit) I end up picturing this as a film or tv series. It's certainly unusual to say the least, but it;s a book where the conversation makes me think at the same time while I'm reading it...love books that do that. :-)

You certainly have a unique way of writing. I was curious who Elise was. Perhaps I missed something. But over all, I was intrigued with the unique tone and narration you have. And the way you put the poetry (at least that's what it seemed to me) between the character's calls about the studio, I thought that was new and very effective. Beautiful even, in it's own way. I'm not a big fan of this kind of writing, but I couldn't help but see the original beauty in it. You write well. As one poet to another, wonderful job! I wish you the best with your endeavors!

--Shieldmaiden

An original story - I loved the first couple of chapters. Slightly confused by "She is beautiful" and then when the first chapter begins, it is Roberto but I'm sure if I read on, I will find out.
Good Luck - you're already in the top five. :D
Backed!

Asma

i am surprised i never came across it....being a neuro scientist yourself obviously you know your stuff and perhaps that is why it is so well writen and it makes all the sense possible. it makes it an itriguing read. i will back it and not because you backed mine....this really deserves to be backed!!!!

David,
A little bit of comment so far (I'm trying to keep agreements). Some edits, some remarks.

C1 A female installation artist suspending herself above the street. So it should say:
“That’s me, (maybe even – your) Sasha, floating inside my glass box”

Good hint of tragedy in this opening.

The annotated abbreviations jar: the tone of the piece expects, nay demands (see what I did there?) a reader who knows this stuff. Alternatively, a clever abbreviated terminology. E.g. just say Tomography, which says scientific technique loudly enough. See? After all if it doesn’t affect the plot it’s just a bit of poncyness isn’t it? I can’t think of an equivalent for MOMA but who the hell doesn’t know what it means? You already give enough that provides the reader to get that: it’s a building in NY where one looks at things with titles that sound like pictures, that are tossed in beeswax… What more do you need? Nothing I think.

C2 Your description of sasha: I know this woman. She has a great ass (bottom in English) and already I want to give her one. Some of these clever expressions go too far: ‘she mailed a pout then a stare’. I get it but why not just: ‘a pout then a stare’, although I would have written ‘A pout. Then a stare.’ (Yes? No?) And some other untidiness. The ‘I did as told’ para: ‘then rushed’ this ‘then’ really fucks the flow, unnecessary echo.
Men are ‘hanged’ keys are ‘hung’ (although men can be well hung). Sat IN the NYU cafeteria.
‘referring to the lab that partnered with NYU’ – got to get around this clumsy one. Maybe just ditch it.
‘inundates’ ? ‘she’s the one WHO worked’

David, I’m sorry but I couldn’t get on with this at all. I’m clearly in the minority, so you can safely ignore everything I have to say. But if I’d picked it up in a shop or a library and read the first page, I’d have put it back down. OK, I could have backed you anyway and just echoed everyone else’s comments, but that would be dishonest. And I’m sure you’d rather have an honest reaction than a dishonest one.

There are some beautiful bits of description in here, but there are also things I didn’t understand at all, and my mind just kept refusing to skip over them and move on. Again, maybe this is just my problem. Maybe I’m not clever enough to get it. But what does ‘This heart brewing me apart, like a torn boogie tragedienne left from troubled times’ actually mean? Or ‘Why not rule over New York denizens that pile like molasses when success brews on those with brazen hearts’? I sat here and puzzled over sentences like these, and it stopped me actually reading the book.

When I got past the prologue I found the text a bit easier to read, but I still kept getting caught on your descriptions. There’s definitely a good story in there – Roberto losing his apartment through no fault of his own and struggling to find a new place to live, a situation that anyone can empathise with – but I felt as though I was swimming against the tide, rather, in trying to understand. I got to the end of chapter 1, but when I reached the para beginning ‘A pale mush on top …’ at the start of chapter 2 I had to stop. I just didn’t get any meaning from that paragraph at all. I think there is a fine line between being unique and unusual with your descriptions, and being obscure and confusing. For me, your book falls on the wrong side of that line – but as I said, I’m clearly in the minority. No book can please everyone, but you are obviously appealing to most people on this site. So you don’t really need my backing anyway :-)

Hey David! :-) Firstly, thank you so very much for your wonderful comments and notes on LONDON. I certainly do appreciate it. Thank you and bless you! Regarding your own work - I'm not at all a critic (just a mere scriptwriter jumping into the novel scene) - just a guy who enjoys a good flow of words, appreciates structure, and enjoys sentences that run together realistically, smoothly, effortlessly. Enjoying diving into your world. Will read more. For now, happily backing.

Blessings!
Jim

This book is beautiful. I just read the first four chapters and I will go on. I am actually an installation artist and I love the way the installations are woven into the story. The dialogue is also beautiful and spot-on. I see a lot of painful handling of dialogue on the site, so this book is really a standout. Its highly sophisticated and subtle.

I read 4 chapters, although it's not the kind of thing I would normally read. It is clever, arty stuff aimed at higher intellects than mine; I'm afraid I found it hard work. For example, I didn’t realize until I read one of your responses below that Sasha is committing suicide at the start. On second reading I can see the clues, but they’re pretty well encoded in language that often is not meant to be interpreted literally (except here). And I still don’t quite understand it. I sense from the other comments that if I put in the effort to read more it would be worthwhile. Anyway, it will be really interesting to see what Mr Ed has to say about this. I wonder whether it might be worthwhile proof-reading it in the 2 weeks before it gets to the editor’s desk; there are many typos in the text which can be a little off-putting. I wish you the best of luck with it.

Hiya David,

I have read through Chaps One & Two twice - I had to in order to understand what was going on. Now I appreciate that this may be just me, or one of the problems with reading on a computer screen, but I'm not sure that the confusion I felt bodes well for the publish ability of 'Undo Redo' - which I suspect has great potential. I noticed that some of your other reviewers also had problems so rather than fob you off with any vacuous platitudes, I thought that I would give you my honest opinion about Chapter One. I only aim to help with my comments.

Chapter One is not an easy read. I gained the distinct impression that I was in a world I did not understand, where everything I thought I knew was going to be challenged: 'A mannequin in the Apple store?' Is that ipad apple? Or the local grocers? And why is it there? For me, literature needs to transport me to another world I am not familiar with. Through the imaginative description I am able to visualise this new world and savour it. Unfortunately, much of the description used in Chapter One left me with more questions than impressions.

The switching backwards and forwards to italics did not help either and I wondered if it was necessary? Roberto also tells his story in the first person but you do not use italics for him. Do you need to do it for Sasha?

However, despite the confusion I realised that I was reading an intellectual piece of literary fiction and I decided to just sit back and try to enjoy the flow, letting it wash me up where ever it wanted...

MOMA's [1] with its dominant capitals and the footnote was an unnecessary intrusion into my trip down your futuristic river. I suggest that you write it out in full rather than direct your already disorientated reader to a footnote at the bottom of the page.

Sadly, I did not understand the poetry at the end of the prologue at all and was very unnerved that in something which appeared to be science fiction, the 'saviour' was called upon three times. (I have a personal abhorrence of all things religious.)

Something went wrong when I moved into Chapter One - I totally missed the switch in perspective at the start and spent several minutes thinking that Roberto was Sasha. This is only a suggestion but I would recommend using his name a few more times and writing a couple of lines to ensure that numpties like me understand that Evelyn is/was his girlfriend. The pace of your narrative is impressive, however, sometimes I feel that I am being left behind in the jet stream.

I did not like the switch into Spanish (or was it Portuguese?) at all. It damaged my sympathy for your main character and I felt it was a bit self-indulgent. By the time Roberto reached the 'electric mat' I was completely bewildered. I feel that you need to explain what that was all about. And why does an electric mat have walls?

'Clap clap clap? No. Frown, frown frown.

The immigration hall had some great snippets of description: 'the passenger line undulated serpent like' and 'amber in spring.' But other bits lost me again: 'the cider bulge?' / 'A lost slip?'

Back in the hospital Roberto was told he looks like a donut. Is he fat?

I am pitying your homeless main character at the moment but the hint that he had an affair with Albertine in Paris whilst 'committed' to Evelyn in New York, is a little off putting.

Again I struggled to understand the conversation with Jonathan and totally missed the point that Roberto has had a highly acclaimed paper published. The dialogue is too sparse and scientific in my opinion to keep the interest of numpties like myself.

The poem/prose interspersed between his phone calls is probably the most confusing thing I have ever read on authonomy and quite frankly, even when you separate the two threads it does not work for me.

Then, all of a sudden I was into Chapter Two and the narrative flowed smoothly. I was in the middle of a futuristic love story between two very interesting characters whom I cared about....

I went back to your pitch and re read Chapter One and it all began to fall into place. But I cannot help wondering, will agents, publishers - or even those at the ed's desk - be prepared to do that? Is it realistic to expect anyone to have to struggle so much with the opening chapter of a novel?

I hope that the comments above, which outline my personal journey through you opening chapter, are helpful in any revisions you want to make. However, I will leave you with another thought: why not drop your first chapter all together and start the novel with the Prologue and Chapter two? I am confident that with a bit of adjustment, you could carry this off. For me, it wasn't until Chapter Two that you really got into your stride and your prose began to flow.

Anyway, whatever you decide, all the best of luck. I will star this highly and back - because despite its problems it has great potential. Good luck for the future.

Susanna
'catching the Eagle'

I love the opening section of your book - I found it very moving. Then I got a little confused, I think because the writing is so clever!! I am backing this anyway, and want to come back to it to read it a little more slowly - I think that like anything worth while it will need some more effort on my part.

Good luck

I've only ready up to chapter 3 so far, but wanted to say how different in a good way your book is. I liked the way the book began and then jumping back in time, it caught my interest straight away.

Deboarh
Diary of a house move

Backed undo redo. Your book has what it takes to hit the big time: name, cover, unquie story line. It will stand out in a slush pile of manuscripts publishers get. Your wording and writing style is what hooked me though. Excellent. Good job with dialogue also.
CC Brown

I hate to say this, but I'm lost. I'm going to remind you that with 223 comments, you hardly need my input, so I think I'll just chalk it up to my chosen genre...I write YA. I'm fond of straight forward and easy. I hate to work and I don't like to decipher meanings. I do like 'in your face' though, and it is unique in that the piece reads like a gigantic poem.

WHOAAAAA

This is one of th emost unique things I have yet to read on authonomy.

Super edgy....super masculine. and VERY authentic New York vibes all around....

Love the paragraph where you describe the YMCA
"mole lighted from above.."
"spread of sofas thrown chessboard like"

I enjoy a bit of "painting" as you like to say.

Just finished chapter one. I'm liking roberto, cool cat, the kind i'd probablly hang out with if I was still living at NYU. He's a bit of a an urban intellectual globe-trotting hipster?

Interesting dialogue between Roberto and Elise, and Roberto and his girlfriend...love the mix of spanish/engish/french...I feel like these are the kind of characters that won't disappoint me...

Overall, cool beans! Looking forward to reading more...just thought i'd comment as i go along..Thank you Davide!

Nicole
The Bosphorus Dreams

ndy