The Tower of Babel

Hi. This is a BHG crt.

I've read everything you posted, and will say first that I think it's an intriguing read. Stylistic, a little aware of itself. I think you're aiming for a certain vibe and the writing reflects this, but that this could possibly work against it a little. Here's my thoughts, as they occurred to me as I read - instant reader reaction as it were, rather than a retrospective. You can take my thoughts as those of just this on reader of course. That's always the case.

Pitch: Short Pitch is ok, but I didn't like the ? My instant reaction to the question posed was 'actually, no.' which means that you have created a negative right off. The 'substance' intrigued me though.

Long Pitch: I think you need to put paragraphs in. It's a big block of type otherwise. Perhaps after the words - 'craft.' then 'three years ago.' then after 'head.' You could cut it somewhat too without losing any hooks.

Start - 'envious ivy' - eh? I didn't get that at all, but that's ok. I also wondered in the second para who's shirt and tie it was - the guard's or the MC's. My general impression of the MC by the time he's read the letters is that he seems a bit deranged and fragmented, which may be what you were aiming at, hope so. Because you give nothing away though, I don't have any sense of him as a person really. Where he is, who he is etc. Your bit with the letters also - by the end I was wondering - who is Stella, how does he know her. Who is the other woman, why had they promised each other their lives? The end of this section is good - 'He was still in his bathrobe.' 'The Tower,' he murmured. 'In that instant he decided.'

However, I need more. What Tower? who are they all, where in the world? By chapter three end I'm no wiser really. Is it Babylon the place? But then L'Herimitage is French.... I think we need some backstory so we know something. It doesn't need to be clunky or an obvious device, but we need to be let in somewhere. You, as the writer, know it all, we know nothing. I felt I was floating above the people rather - what is L'Hermitage? Who is the woman? What's the mystery? Is Israel a person or a place. Is the plant really from outer space - you haven't told us anything about the man and what he does or is. What burden has never lifted? Succeed at what? What is Babel?

I know you don't want to give everything away, and I don't like it when writers feed me it all on a plate, but I felt I needed something, or its begins to be irritating and perhaps a little too stylised. When we have no information or backstory at all, it begins to sound like someone who is deliberately keeping you in the dark and can mean a reader is excluded from the story totally.

CHARACTERS - Interesting people, but again, no real sense of who they are in time and place so I feel I don't really know them at all.

DIALOGUE - Here again, a little stylishness creeps in. It feels as though you are so keen to keep the 'ambience' of the style that it sometimes rings a little untrue. I would also like a little variance in the way they speak - they are both/all maddeningly cryptic.

PACING - Pace stays rather the same, could be varied a little.

Reading that back, it sounds terribly negative and it's not meant to be. I think, from what I can gather, that the idea is a good, intriguing one. There's certainly lots of questions and mystery here, and something very freaky going on with the plant. I just feel you are in danger of perhaps losing your reader by being too vague and stylised. You need to let the reader in just a little more so we feel involved, and know the characters.

I enjoyed what I read - I read all you put up, so it isn't that you cannot write well or the idea is not a good one. I merely felt I was standing too much on the outside and wanted to get hold of them and say 'Who are you people? How did you meet? WTF are you on about?' just a little too long.
Cariad,

Greetings, George. Brutally Honest Crit follows.

Your pitch confused me and I'm not really sure what the book is about. An artist on drugs who has a lover and then finds a leaf that will save him. For lack of a better word....huh? I don't get it. That could be just me, of course. So keep that in mind.

Your writing seems very stream-of-consciousness. I generally don't care for that style being a straight forward kind of gal. Again, that might just be me. The first chapter describes two characters who I'd rather not get to know. Austin seems at times delusional and disconnected from himself. Jessica seems unreal and Stella..who is she?

The letters don't work for me. Too long. Shorter is better in this case. Just put in the important things. That would make for a more compelling read.

The last paragraph is a bid maudlin and cliche for my taste. You can say "I love you" without saying "I love you" four times. Tap into your own experiences and see what you come up with.

Bottom line for me---the main problem with this first chapter is exposition. You're not really telling us what is going on. If you try to be too mysterious, you thwart the suspense and the reader loses interest.

These are just my views, so please take them with a grain of salt. I'm sorry I couldn't have been more complimentary. Best of luck to you, JKinkade

Ah... Something different! By the end of the third chapter, I am quite curious! The atmosphere it exudes is the best part about it, for me. Without much description of the setting, I feel like I have all I need to experience the imagery of the place! This is the way it should be, I think.
I'm looking forward to learning about the plant, and I I'd definately like to learn about the pschycological states of the characters, and how they came to be that way.

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An interesting start. A conflicted, sympathetic main character. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... the sweet haze had loosened his tie and wrecked his collar.' Technically, 'his' refers to the guard.
2) 'A cab pulled up in the sweet-smelling rain.' In the second paraagraph of this chapter, you also used the word 'sweet.' Is the repetition intentional? If not, consider using an alternate word for one of the 'sweets.'
3) 'Crushed, he could not stay.' 'Crushed' is telling. How does this crushing manifest in Austin? Consider showing the onset of the 'crush' so realistically the reader experiences it along with Austin. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.
4) 'He felt as if he were living a vivid dream.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe Austin's feeling so vividly the reader will experience it along with Austin. When you do this, the reader will be pulled further into the scene.
5) "Hey Jessica, it's me." Comma after 'hey.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for your feedback on "Savannah Fire."

Have a fabulous day.

Al

Thanks Al, those are all immensely helpful! Carry on!

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An interesting start. A conflicted, sympathetic main character. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... the sweet haze had loosened his tie and wrecked his collar.' Technically, 'his' refers to the guard.
2) 'A cab pulled up in the sweet-smelling rain.' In the second paraagraph of this chapter, you also used the word 'sweet.' Is the repetition intentional? If not, consider using an alternate word for one of the 'sweets.'
3) 'Crushed, he could not stay.' 'Crushed' is telling. How does this crushing manifest in Austin? Consider showing the onset of the 'crush' so realistically the reader experiences it along with Austin. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.
4) 'He felt as if he were living a vivid dream.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe Austin's feeling so vividly the reader will experience it along with Austin. When you do this, the reader will be pulled further into the scene.
5) "Hey Jessica, it's me." Comma after 'hey.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for your feedback on "Savannah Fire."

Have a fabulous day.

Al

Dear George,

You have an imaginative plotline in this story, and a great main character. I really like the way you convey the artistic process and the way it works in the mind of the artist.

However, you do have some problems.

First, of course, you need a lot more editing. My personal experience indicates that you need to run through the story 20 or 30 more times, fixing all the little errors, tightening up the prose, etc. Get rid of all the "echoes"(For example, "…his work doesn't work like that.")

The major structural problem you have to deal with is the slow forward movement of the plot. Most editors of popular fiction will tell you that your action does not start soon enough, nor does it move fast enough. I am of the opinion that the mystery of what happened three years ago actually constitutes enough action which, combined with the revealing of the MC's character and conflicts, is probably enough action.

However, you have another strength/weakness which compounds this problem; your descriptive talents. You have amazingly poetic technique in your descriptions, and they are a joy to read. However, they tend to get in the way, and slow down the action even more. Much though I hate to say it, you're going to have to go through and cut a lot of the description. I suggest that you cut way down on the descriptions of moving through new settings (the first time through the church, for example). You want to write descriptive poetry, write poetry. You want to write a novel, keep your poetic impulses strictly under control :-)

In general, a great basis for a novel. I'm pleased to support it.

Gordon Long

Interesting, well written, atmospheric. I immediately thought of New Crobazon when I came to New Babylon (cf British fantasy writer, China Mieville). To be honest, I wasn't sure your Austin really captured my imagination (the name alone makes me think Mike Myers, or cars) but the writing is strong. I noted in Ch 1, 'vast tables', not sure about the adjective, maybe 'massive'? In Ch 2, I noted an awful lot of 'he ...(did x)' Any way you can vary that a bit?
Also, 'he knew nothing within her', a bit awkward, how about 'knew nothing of her inner life'?
And in your pitch, 'it all starts with a leaf' I couldn't help thinking of 'Leaf by Niggle'. With a title like that, I think your story has to be exceptionally strong. Anyway, backed, for achievement and potential.

'nothing within her'... oh dear.... did not mean anything sexual by that! :D

I hadn't thought of the Leaf by Niggle connection. Very interesting.

Thank you!

Interesting, well written, atmospheric. I immediately thought of New Crobazon when I came to New Babylon (cf British fantasy writer, China Mieville). To be honest, I wasn't sure your Austin really captured my imagination (the name alone makes me think Mike Myers, or cars) but the writing is strong. I noted in Ch 1, 'vast tables', not sure about the adjective, maybe 'massive'? In Ch 2, I noted an awful lot of 'he ...(did x)' Any way you can vary that a bit?
Also, 'he knew nothing within her', a bit awkward, how about 'knew nothing of her inner life'?
And in your pitch, 'it all starts with a leaf' I couldn't help thinking of 'Leaf by Niggle'. With a title like that, I think your story has to be exceptionally strong. Anyway, backed, for achievement and potential.

George, I've just read your opening chapter. Your talent is evident, and your writing style put me in mind of a Paul Auster novel. To my mind, and please feel free to take this or leave it, I think you might want to pare things down a little, and get straight down to telling your story - a man returns home from a trip and finds 2 letters waiting for him is a great way to hook your reader. Why not have Austin pushing open the door and finding the two letters as the beginning, and work any essential backstory/information in from there. That said, you've got the clay of an intriguing opening here. Best of luck with your writing, and many thanks for your kind comments about my novel 'The Communization of Delusion.' Happy to give you my backing.

NA

Hi George,

After reading your first chapter I was suitably impressed! You have a talent in describing cityscapes and settings, and you created an interesting hook with the mysterious second letter that your MC received - it must really be something monumental if he forgot to get dressed before leaving his apartment! If I had to be critical, I would suggest reducing the number of explanation marks - I know your MC is an artist and thus, perhaps, more inclined to more melodramatic thought-processes, but I personally feel that in using too many exclamations, you lose a lot of the emphasis.
Also, when he's leaving Jessica a voicemail, I think you can do without the phrase in parenthesis. You've already indicated to the reader that he's making stuff up with the line: "He paused for a moment then moved on to the fully ridiculous" so adding (An outright lie!) in the middle is unnecessary.
In my humble opinion only!
But it was a good read, and I wish you all the best!

Maria.

Thank you! Excellent points. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Hi George,

After reading your first chapter I was suitably impressed! You have a talent in describing cityscapes and settings, and you created an interesting hook with the mysterious second letter that your MC received - it must really be something monumental if he forgot to get dressed before leaving his apartment! If I had to be critical, I would suggest reducing the number of explanation marks - I know your MC is an artist and thus, perhaps, more inclined to more melodramatic thought-processes, but I personally feel that in using too many exclamations, you lose a lot of the emphasis.
Also, when he's leaving Jessica a voicemail, I think you can do without the phrase in parenthesis. You've already indicated to the reader that he's making stuff up with the line: "He paused for a moment then moved on to the fully ridiculous" so adding (An outright lie!) in the middle is unnecessary.
In my humble opinion only!
But it was a good read, and I wish you all the best!

Maria.