A Piece of My Heart

Hello Mathias,

A Piece of my Heart is a brilliantly written story with a good balance of plot action, characterization, action, and dialogue. I like the insightful nature with with you weaved your characters. The varying ways in which they relate to each other is very believably. The descriptions are succinct and the narrative and dialogue are captivating. the writing is smooth and the story is fast paced.. Overall this is a well-written story. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Mathias,
This is expertly written. So descriptive without a word out of place. Your work is completely professional. The opener in the upscale Manhattan strip club, then the scene in Christopher's apartment are splendidly delivered. Then it gets even better as it moves to the photo shoot in chapter two, and beyond. You develop Christopher's character at a good strong pace, without dumping it all at once.
Very well done.
Shelved.
Mark

A Piece of My Heart...

God! You already have a piece of mine...too bad you're way too young for me. Is your dad available? Would be nice to meet a real romantic.

Poor Chris! (I can call him Chris, can't I...I feel as though I know him well enough.)

I like this story very much (obviously), although I do think you use a lot of narrative. There's definitely a role for narrative in novels, but it's a question of balance. I think agents are looking for less narrative and more actual scenes to reveal character and backstory, but I may be wrong.

You may not realize how much of your own personality and values come through in your writing, all part of your writing voice.

Only one nit: eliminate most of your adverbs (Noah Lukeman, an agent, says that agents will reject based on too many adverbs in The First Five Pages.)

This promises to be a tear-jerker with a happy ending, I hope...a whole box of kleenex if it isn't. Not to worry. I'm totally sentimental.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions because I'm getting soooo close to the Editor's Desk and want my novel to be the best it can be before it gets there.)

This reminds me of Bret Easton Ellis's work, which is a compliment in the highest form. Ellis is a god. You ever read Glamorama? This is a much different book, but parts of it remind me it. You are a professional writer, a master with prose and dialogue. Really love the scene where Chris feels awkward after sex. WL.

Like they say, if there is no love, there is nothing...
I loved your writing. It's very smooth, very honest at times and reserved at other times, just the perfect balance , avoiding this way a trite, romantic , main stream story.
I like how you command the dialog and how you present your characters. You give the reader the material to independently form an opinion...Beautifully done! Backed without reservation :)
Adina

Comments on chapter 1...

Good opening. Seems like you probably know the scene. And this is a good way of showing Christopher's shallow existence.

One thing I would suggest is looking at this a sentence level. Some of the lines contain excess words and/or clauses. Go through every line and see if you can lose a word (particularly an adverb/adjective) and still convey your meaning. For instance, from this box I can see your second last paragraph. You don't need the "shut" after slamming, because it's hard to slam a door in any other way (you can't slam it open, for instance). If you lose a word here and there, maybe reword a couple of sentences, you'll add pace and clarity to your work.

After that I'd go through EVERY sentence and ask yourself two questions.

1. Does this tell the reader information vital to plot and/or character?

2. Does this tell the reader something new, or that he can't guess from inference?

If the answer is no to either question, consider deleting the offending sentence/clause. Again this will add the aforementioned pace and clarity.

As an example of stuff that could be trimmed/excised, the paragraph beginning "Each component..." mostly expands on the previous paragraph that says he retains his boyish looks. By all means, give us a summary of those boyish looks, but we don't need every detail: the reader's imagination will fill in the blanks, possibly in the way she (or he) prefers "boyish" looks.

That said, it's an interesting opening to what looks like being an increasingly substantial storyline, so I'll give it a run on my shelf.

Best wishes with it.

Regards,

TomW

Enjoyed this a lot. Feels like an insider’s story and that side of Manhattan life is fascinating to many people.
Good opening with the drug scene and then the club. And of course, how could I not like the protag ;-).

Shelved and good luck.

If I had to make suggestions, it would probably be to try to tighten the writing a bit. Feels like there are a lot of words you can cut out to make the text more powerful. For example you wouldn’t need a sentence such as “relishing from the high of cocaine” because the reader already knows it. So maybe a powerful way to show that is describe the scene at the club through his eyes, to show how high he is. The color, sounds, smells etc jumping at him.
Had a little niggle with this sentence: “The hyperactive sensory nerves” felt a little awkward, maybe something simpler like “his heightened senses”

Hope you don’t mind me making these notes. I figure we’re all here for the feedback. As I said I liked it a lot and wish you the best of luck with it.

Dania (The It! Refugee)

A Piece of My Heart...

God! You already have a piece of mine...too bad you're way too young for me. Is your dad available? Would be nice to meet a real romantic.

Poor Chris! (I can call him Chris, can't I...I feel as though I know him well enough.)

I like this story very much (obviously), although I do think you use a lot of narrative. There's definitely a role for narrative in novels, but it's a question of balance. I think agents are looking for less narrative and more actual scenes to reveal character and backstory, but I may be wrong.

You may not realize how much of your own personality and values come through in your writing, all part of your writing voice.

Only one nit: eliminate most of your adverbs (Noah Lukeman, an agent, says that agents will reject based on too many adverbs in The First Five Pages.)

This promises to be a tear-jerker with a happy ending, I hope...a whole box of kleenex if it isn't. Not to worry. I'm totally sentimental.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions because I'm getting soooo close to the Editor's Desk and want my novel to be the best it can be before it gets there.)

Hi mathias,

This is a compelling story. I was drawn in right from the start.

Great characterisation and dialogue. This is very well written and easy to read. I like how Christopher’s character develops, we get to know him a little more as the story goes along. Your vivid descriptions were wonderful.

Chap 3.
Christopher glanced at his watch… Amira should meet. Should doesn’t seem the right word here, perhaps would might work better. Maybe it’s just me.

Only three chapters? How dare you!

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

you know what really drew me in was what you said there about how nothing matters if u dont have your loved one. SO TRUE! and when seeing that i was like ooo i have to read this. and i did and now im left speechless because it was so beautifully written, heartfelt and intense. i mean you have it all drugs, sex, and lost love.
-Cara (first to dream of love)

Mathias,
You have a wonderful premise for your book, which promises many heart wrenching and soulful scenes.
I love any book that makes you feel for the characters being created in it. I tried my utmost to achieve this is my own novel and i believe you have to.
You have some fantastic writing and you set up every scene well.
I'm glad i read this and i'll happily shelve your book.
Also, great title.

Regards,

Mark H

Mathias,
This is expertly written. So descriptive without a word out of place. Your work is completely professional. The opener in the upscale Manhattan strip club, then the scene in Christopher's apartment are splendidly delivered. Then it gets even better as it moves to the photo shoot in chapter two, and beyond. You develop Christopher's character at a good strong pace, without dumping it all at once.
Very well done.
Shelved.
Mark

Hello Mathias,

A Piece of my Heart is a brilliantly written story with a good balance of plot action, characterization, action, and dialogue. I like the insightful nature with with you weaved your characters. The varying ways in which they relate to each other is very believably. The descriptions are succinct and the narrative and dialogue are captivating. the writing is smooth and the story is fast paced.. Overall this is a well-written story. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Hi Mathias,
I really enjoyed this and the pitches and cover are very good, made me want to read it straight away.
It's a shame there is so little of it, I really want to find out what happens with Amira and if/ how he turns his life around.
The writing flows well and Christopher is someone I immediately warmed to and I wanted things to turn out well for him.
I'm putting you on my shelf and I hope there will be more to read soon.
Frances

Hi Mathias,

This is good writing. Smooth and easy to follow along. The subject matter is quite interesting, describing a way of life that is completely foreign to me and I'm sure to many others, which is why I think this will garner a great deal of reader interest. Good job!

Matt

Dear Mathias, slick and fasionable. I guess it is like an expose of modeling. One nit pick: in chapter 2 there are several paragraphs in the beginning which start with "Christopher ....". It is a great title filled with vivid scenes. I invite you to visit A Thousand Words. Keiko

This is interesting, clean prose, tight dialogue even if it dips into the cliche a little bit, that's okay. Sex scenes are well written, but a little bit uncomfortable. The scenes in the strip club are good. There isn't a lot of energy in this chapter...but it's a good start.

Dear Mathias,

Great pitches. The concept of the daily fee exceeding the avg monthly wage is arresting. Perfect cover for this novel as well.

A thought: given how crazy the media is for "true life" these days, if this is indeed based on your own adventures, you might wish to throw in a line to that effect. Might help with the sell.

Suggest taking first paragraph and making it the third. The opening would then be the current paragraphs 2 and 3. Think about it: what would attract your own eye more? A muffled bass or a guy in a filthy stall snorting cocaine? Once he comes out of the stall, it would still be an organic flow as he looks around, notices the music, the soap, etc.

Wonderful description about the feel of the cold water against his heightened senses.
Great stuff: "well past the expiration date" Great bit about the analysis of the face; the sum of its parts, as it were.

Rather than "in every woman alive," how about just "in most women." It's a given that they're alive.

Take him out of the bathroom into the club, right before the paragraph that starts, "Ten's was …"

Why stay clear of CJ, just because she was keeping tabs on him. Is she dangerous?

Wonderful description of the dancing stripper, "her sex right in front of their faces."
Would he really be embarrassed that he had her bra?

Any thought to telling us where in Manhattan the apartment is located?

OK, here's the female opinion on the sex: doesn't the stripper get any attention from him first? It reads like a slam bam, thank you, ma'am – where's hers?

Love this character study. I'm happy to go along without a burst of a story until Chapter 2. Between the old girlfriend and him almost bedding a 17-year-old, now we're into it.

Very well written. I get a Jay McInerney, Bred Easton Ellis vibe. What makes this stand out is the male model aspect. I'm excited for you – it's a very hot project. Shelved.

Hi Mathias! Icelandic perhaps? I really liked your book. It's very current and emanates an insider's feel with every line. Maybe it's because I love shows like America's Next Top Model (and Canada's) and Make Me a Supermodel, I found this interesting to read, but I also have to commend you on your writing. The only thing that drew some attention from how fine this book is, actually, is the first line. "Muffled bass"? Sadly I thought of a fish and not a musical instrument. In any case, I'm shocked this isn't higher in the rankings. I'm curious to know what response you've been receiving from publishers and agents. I think this would do very well in the market, especially since you've positioned it as chick lit. Good luck with this!

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

Mathias,

I've only just started reading this but already know I like it. Your writing is very vivid and engaging. Your premise is interesting and Christopher very well drawn.

Happy to shelve this. Will return when I have more time to read more.

Heidi
Turning Red

This is extremely well written and very timely: it ought to be required reading for all those (perhaps the majority of people nowadays, judging by sales of Hello, Now and Grazia) who are obsessed with celebrity-culture.

Chapter one is mainly scene-setting. We get a clear idea of the superficial attractions of Christopher’s lifestyle, but also a good sense of what makes it so vacuous, and why he suffers a vague sense of self-loathing. The vagueness of that sense recurs the next day, when he stands in front of the mirror at Mark LaPaglia’s. It only comes into sharp relief when he gets that phone call from Amira. And now we have a real story, partly because you’ve managed to establish Christopher so effectively in the reader’s mind. And she’s the love of his life, an admission that takes him completely by surprise.

This is an important book dealing with some quite serious moral issues. It ticks all the right boxes as far as I can see: characterisation, dialogue, scene-setting. It’s uncomfortable in places because of the dark subject-matter, but I can’t help feeling Christopher is on the side of the angels. At least ultimately.

Bookshelved.

Bren Verrill
The Weird Problem of Good.

mathias
this is good stuff, original, entertaining and my only comments are around a few minor language problems. you will need to decide whether you're editing for the UK or the US and then get it edited.

raised maternal affections - aroused might be a better word
under his many years - should be 'during'
at the time his bangs came down in his face - right now his fringe was covering a lot of his face/rather long
hadn't bothered putting up a pretense neither of them believed in

what it was exactly she understood - this is a very good observation, neatly expressed. also mathias' state of mind is coming over very clearly. you write really well. beginning with the cocaine and moving on to the sex gives the reader a good idea of what it's like to be christopher, at least at a certain level.

putting this on my shelf for a while.

maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

Very well staged taking us into the world of pressure, to be good or best, drugs and sex for sale. Your description of the night club was explicit without being prurient - difficult considering the setting. I felt sorry for Christopher, there was just trace of suggestion he maybe was not really in the right life...
Well written, with a suggestion of mystery to come...'he realised he didn't even know her name', maybe he will find out - later! Flowing language, believable scenario, good converation.. good luck Marion

Mathias,
I read this and enjoyed your writing very much. The style is fluent and the character of Christopher come out well. I presume that his shallow personality and his philandering change in the end. The self-recrimination after the first sex-scene makes for interest and serves as a hook. The character has to change to make it a book I guess so I hope Amira changes him for the better.
Some little typos:
Chapter 1: contented not content.
chapter 2: personal effects not affects
chapter 3: in only a few months (time) leave out the word in brackets - it means in the future.
Over all an interesting read. By the way I don't think the sex scene was rushed, because although it is integrally part of the story and it shows what the MC is like, there is no need to be too graphic.
Great stuff!
Best,
Fred

Hi there,
This has a good premise, and it's perfectly true that having everything does not always make you happy if you don't have the person you love - I know someone in this position. So, I feel your story is very realistic, it sort of teaches the reader something too about what we should value which is good.
I like Christopher, I feel I am getting to know him. Your descriptions are good, I feel I can see what you are describing. I'm not going to nit-pick on the writery stuff, there are others who will do that for you!
I will read more, but in the meanwhile, this is on my shelf ;-)
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

would love to swap reads..let me know..:)

Debbie, I just hope you enjoy the script as much as you enjoyed the cover ;)

Haven't read as yet, but saw this on the "pitch me" bit of the home page - the hunk on the cover just ordered me to click on him and find out more ...

Thanks Nicholas. Thing is it has only been published in Swedish in a very small edition. I'm now rewriting it in English entertaining the idea of getting an agent overseas.

I'll make sure to check out ”The Evil People”.

/mathias

Nice piece you have there. But you should really print out the fact that the book is published.

Is Big Book your own label, or is "A piece of my heart" already under an agent's umbrella?

Loved the opening lines. If you have the time, please read the second chapter/novella of my friends book. I was struck by the similarity, both in language and in content. You both have the same "splendid life with a shadow beneath"-feeling when you write.

http://authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=3177

All the best!

// N.N.

Thanks for your feedback, Linda. I'll look into the YA definition.

Hi Mathias, Wow I'm the first I hope it's as good for you...Just kidding. It's late and I'm slightly giddy. So, I've only read the first chapter so far and had a couple of comments. First I loved the bathroom scene. I could picture him snorting the coke. I could picture Christopher enough to guess his style. So far I'm not connecting with him yet, maybe it's the drugs or the self pity on his aging? Just not sure, but it may come soon.

The sex scene was rushed, but that's just my opinion. At first I thought it was rushed then I thought it was intentional because of his shame type feelings. I wanted to mention it just in case you hadn't intended it to reflect his uncomfortableness. I hope I'm not coming off as an ass, I'm just trying to help. I'm not the best judge on these things since I'm still struggling with it myself. It's just observations I'd noticed so far.

On the rating I'd get rid of the YA label. This would not be considered YA unless you wanted to tone down the drugs and sex. Again I'm not 100% on the specifics of YA but I'd check it out. I'll come back for chapter two. Good luck. Linda.