Futhark

Futhark has a strong opening, with Pinch a resourceful character with a lot at stake (survival). There's a Mercedes Lackey novel with a similar opening, so you're in good company in the fantasy field. I didn't mind the present tense narration, but I found the extremely short paragraphs (most of them only one sentence long) made for a choppy read that didn't really draw me in. Present tense is often used to give immediacy, but I think you lose immediacy with the distance you keep from Pinch's experience, which makes the story more telling than showing (sorry about using that standard crit, but it's what I saw). If you could move more into Pinch's head, I think the story would be more engaging. I did like the gnome, and his distinctive speech, but again, it was only his insistence of danger that gave the situation urgency - Pinch still didn't seem very involved or frightened. I think this is quite fixable with another round of editing, and a little exploration of Pinch's responses and emotions.
The second chapter didn't work for me. It felt like a prologue that had been jammed in because someone complained about prologues, and it took me away from Pinch, whom I'd just gotten interested in. The same for the gnome's history, though it did make sense as part of the dialogue that Pinch would want to hear. It's always difficult to judge how much background the reader of epic fantasy will need, but it's almost better to err on the side of not enough information than risk an info-dump that leaves the reader feeling she should be making notes for the quiz at the end of the week. Anyway, that was my take, for what it's worth.

just reading this will leave another comment when i have read more -elisa gianoncelli

Bobdog -

Futhark - Reading chapter 2. Here we lose Pinch for - some backstory? I like to follow characters, so I struggled with this chapter, although I enjoyed the epic battle towards the second half. In the para ... They dug a well, tilled a plot of hard ground ... should it be ... at the end of 'their' turn, relating to the seeds? not sure. The para starting ... Prior to Praetan's dark rule ... reads complex, I lost the thread, especially re: the significance of Doggden Common. Then the combat between Admiral Tamery Flince and Vashe Stryken becomes rather thrilling, and Wizard Stigwart's dissolving of cannon balls. Well, I missed Pinch, but I'm sure he'll be back.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Good pacing and balance. Smooth, mistake-free writing. The vivid, rough beginning brings the reader in and holds them throughout the setting development. Your third-person present style is very unique, but to be successful, I think you need more emotion from your protagonist. So much action and violence and not quite as much reaction or feeling among the characters. What are everyone's expressions when Potts is cut and bleeding? What do these Thrashers look like? At the start, I'm confused whether they are creature or human, which fogs the whole atmosphere. The reader needs as much as possible to identify with to keep the world real.

"...whipping kids at random throughout the day for just about anything." hints at an opinion, a.k.a. streaming thoughts through your third-person protagonist's head. This is good, but it doesn't feel right being the first phrase to do so following and inside your omniscient narrative.

"He steps through the doorway, hefts the sword with the dexterity..." sounds awkward without an 'and' dividing the two clauses. If this is your style, it's okay, but the long description of Pinch's past following ruins the pace affect it would have.

"His effort is wasted..."--though simple, this paragraph is brilliant because it gives another dimension of thought to all the action, rather than the unbelievable slapstick violence of some beginning writers. It's easier to believe this boy can take these Thrashers out with a dog, and provides a more interesting fight.

Overall, a well thought out beginning. The second chapter serves to lay out the setting and plot in more depth. It seems somewhat hard to grasp without dialogue or the main character, and with so much more battle, but the reader may have invested enough in Pinch to read the first several paragraphs, at which point you have them hooked.

Looking ahead, I do like the return to Pinch and a more intimate narration of his movements. One last hope I have--that your antagonist is at least as unique and intriguing as him. The Thrashers in ch.1 are the typical cocky, cruel bad guys. If future adversaries are any different, you have something.

Joel Juedes- Purple Eyes

I read chapter two.

General comments: After a slow start the action picks up.

Specific comments on chapter two:
1) By the time I reached 'By the time of Mullinax's reign, the walls of ...' I was beginning to lose interest (because of so much backstory).
2) 'Den of thieves' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
3) 'Those that escaped sailed beyond ... ' 'That' should be 'who,'
4) I've reached the section about Commander Stryken and I'm still reading backstory. If I was in a bookstore, I'd put this book back on the shelf. The writing is fine, but I want adventure, not backstory.
5) Okay. 'Corponius whipped his staff ...' has pulled me into the action/story. Good action writing from this point on. Vivid descriptions. Insightful narrative. Fun adventure.
6) 'Cut them to ribbons' is cliche.
7) ' ... but seemed to move in slow motion to Vashel, who caugh the flicker of a ...' Who is Vashel and why did you switch into his point of view? Oh. It's Stryken's first name. Consider sticking to one name for each character.
8) ' ... he spun to meet the adversaries that were flanking him.' 'That' should be 'who.'

I hope this critique will help you polish this chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

I've heavily revised the first eight chapters of "Savannah Passion." Would you consider reading the first chapter again (before the end of the month) and letting me know how I might improve it?

Have a fine day.

Merry Christmas.

Al

Futhark - Chapter 1: A hellish nightmare of a work camp where information, to assist the reader, given concerning the hierarchy and regime, is cleverly interspersed with a roll-call. I thought this worked really well. Empathy for Pinch and other inmates is immediately elicited. Pinch's escape, well thought out and described with pace and excitement mingling with a sense of Pinchs' despair, without labouring the point, comes through.
Chapter 2: Lots of information relayed here. Normally I would say too much information is dumped that could, in most circumstances, be let into the story later. Not this time, it read like a document destined for an archive, which did not detract from the impetus and this interesting approach expanded on the world and protagonists the author has created to propel the reader into the fight between the king's commander, Stryken and Admiral Flince.
Chapter 3: Pinch's desperate situation, stumbling into a grove of trees that appear to be made of black glass and eventual meeting with the gnome, Gigno, whom he rescues from being a snack for a monstrous ogre push the story along at a cracking pace.
In summary of three chapters read - the present tense of the narrative somehow distances itself from the story at the same time as it involves the reader. Characters are well-drawn. Dialogue, realistic. Settings, described well with real flashes of inspired imagination. Story line, engaging and confident with the promise of many surprises to come.
A really good read.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

I read your first chapter.

Edgy. Exciting. Well-textured. A credible main character. Good hooks. A gritty, touching opeening scene followed by captivating action. The initial omniscient point of view wasn't as engaging as the later deep point of view when Pinch escapes. Vivid, atmospheric descriptions. Evocative narrative. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter are in a message to you.

Al

How fantastic you are, Bobdogl!! :) Thank you so very much for again backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) May God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s each) :) - could you please ****** mine, too. :) Every ****** -ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf as long as possible because I'm 8 from the editor's desk & trying to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of December :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 20 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 9 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks earlier this year.

Enjoying so far. Watch listed. Will leave a proper comment and put you on my shelf asap. For now I'll leave you with, "originality, easy voice, entertaining read".

Bragitta Shay
"REGENESIS"

Thank you, Ms. Carrovella. I look forward to honest feedback and constructive criticism (if warranted). You are on my watchlist as well and I'll give you my feedback once I have composed it. Unfortunately, I have three other books ahead of yours but I am looking forward to reading Regenesis as the time allows.

Enjoying so far. Watch listed. Will leave a proper comment and put you on my shelf asap. For now I'll leave you with, "originality, easy voice, entertaining read".

Bragitta Shay
"REGENESIS"

the use of the present tence here gives your story a real sence of style....helps the story along...on my watchlist...
read SEASONS....

Thank you for backing me! The present tense has been tough to write in because at various times throughout the story I've found myself slipping back into the past tense. It's something I have to watch out for in my proof reading.

I love your avatar. The classic typewriter is awesome. I've added Seasons to my watchlist but I won't be able to read it for about three weeks. I have other reading commitments I must complete first. I'll update you on my progress in reviewing your work. Thank you.

the use of the present tence here gives your story a real sence of style....helps the story along...on my watchlist...
read SEASONS....

You are totally fantastic, Bobdog.!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) - could you please ****** mine, too. :) Every ****** -ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf as long as possible because I'm 7 from the editor's desk & trying to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of December :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 20 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 9 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks earlier this year.

Dear Bobdog, I love that Pinch escapes from the labor camp & is encountered by unexpected friends, as portrayed in your pitch. :) Your tight dialogue & paragraphs zoomed me through chapter 9 & I really liked the "enchanting girl who" called "upon the graces of heaven" in her song :) - great that you had the lyrics. :) Wonderful that Pinch got a lot of friends :) - that made me smile. :) Hope you will write a lot more touching books. :) I have read, commented on, & put your book on my watchlist to read & to also at least 24 hour back when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated you book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******'ing & at least 24 hour backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :)

bobdog -

Futharg - Pinch, the unlikely hero, I like him, and the writing is lean and flows well. So I've given this some good stars and will come back to read more. You may like my epic of an unlikely heroine :)

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Thank you for your interest and the lead to your own work. I've added it to my watchlist and will comment as soon as I get a chance. Fantasy fiction needs more heroines!

bobdog -

Futharg - Pinch, the unlikely hero, I like him, and the writing is lean and flows well. So I've given this some good stars and will come back to read more. You may like my epic of an unlikely heroine :)

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Happy to back your book. I like this kind of writing.

Thanks very much. I pulled this from your personal description:

"I'm a save the planet type of person. I like the idea of reading books on-line instead of seeing millions of trees cut down every year for paper."

That had not occurred to me before. I think you have a good idea there. I'll join you in the fight for the preservation of the planet and try to read more on-line books and buy less hard-copies. Thanks for the tip!

Happy to back your book. I like this kind of writing.

:) comment to follow after I've read your book :)

Thanks for taking a look. I've added yours to my watchlist and will read it as far as my spirit will allow. You're writing is captivating and original, but the subject matter is much darker than I'm used to. It's hard for me to get through because it strikes a personal chord with me. It is one of the reasons why I began writing fantasy/fiction; to get away from the hard realities this life presents us with.

If realism is your aim, then I'd give you 10 out of 10. It is a mark of exceptional writing which both drives the reader from its shameless truths yet compels him to return in order to face them, that he may become a greater person for doing so. Such dilemas of principle have I found in the writings of Charles Bukowski and William Burroughs, so while you're work is disturbing, you are in good company in that regard.

:) comment to follow after I've read your book - read & commented on 13 hours later :)