Andalucia

Hello there, thank you so much for your lovely comments.
You've put me in a bit of a quandary. I do believe Andalucia could be taken up by a big publisher and do very well. But it's been over a year since I really made the effort on here. I just got so busy and couldnt do anything for a couple of months. And I'd read some great books here, but also others that did well simply because the writers networked twenty four-seven.
And so I decided to do it all myself. I set up my own publishing company Lapwing Books and did everything myself. The book looks great and the reviews on Amazon are amazing and I even got a Booker Prize winner to read it. She stated it was "told with great skill...both moving and inspiring" - and you cant get better praise than that from a Booker Prize winner.
But I find myself still wanting a big publisher as it will be even harder to break into the big time self-publishing. Part of me (the part rekindled by you and your recent comments) think I should still plug away on this, but it takes so much time if you want to move right up the league, because I believe you should give as well as take.
I'm stuck and don't know what to do. Another part of me thinks just stick to the marketing, its out there and published already. Woman's Weekly are doing a feature on me and the book in the next couple of months.
Maybe I should go for an agent using the Booker Prize winners comments, and all the others I've had?
Whatever happens, many thanks indeed and lots of luck...

ANDALUCIA
This is a heart-wrenching story. I like the way you shift between the present where you’ve infused an overall air of melancholy with the past where things were carefree and fun. Anna is abmirable because of her determination to handle a bad diagnosis with such grace. You make it very clear how difficult it is to be the husband of a cancer patient. I think you’ll find a wide audience for this; it’s exactly the kind of book Harper Collins True Life books want to feature so keep plugging away to get this to the top of the chart so they can notice it. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

ANDALUCIA
This is a heart-wrenching story. I like the way you shift between the present where you’ve infused an overall air of melancholy with the past where things were carefree and fun. Anna is abmirable because of her determination to handle a bad diagnosis with such grace. You make it very clear how difficult it is to be the husband of a cancer patient. I think you’ll find a wide audience for this; it’s exactly the kind of book Harper Collins True Life books want to feature so keep plugging away to get this to the top of the chart so they can notice it. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

' Andalucia '

You have the rare ability to make the reader share your feelings and emotions, yet never too much to be overwhelming . The story is powerful and well written. Your writing is not contrived or fabricated and that makes it all the more moving.

Jane
'Silent in the Shadows '

I read and commented on your first chapter a couple of months ago. I'm back to review your second chapter.

General comments: A touching chapter. Candid, evocative narrative. Tremendous attention to detail. Vivid descriptions. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter two:
1) 'It's unlikely I'll be able to see her until 6pm ... ' '6pm' should be ' 6 p.m.' or, better yet, 'six p.m.'
2) 'I'm allowed 40 minutes with her.' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where numbers should be spelled out.
3) 'And then she walked away from me ... ' Technically, 'she' refers to 'the nurse.'
4) 'She hasn't eaten in twenty four hours.' 'Twenty four' should be hyphenated.
5) " ... and the city of Tiberius, named after the Roman Emperor, destroyed by two earthquakes" Period after 'earthquakes.' There are more cases of dialogue sentences needing punctuation.
6) "You can see why this is so necessary for Israel", he said. Comma goes inside the closing quote mark.
7) ' ... in between finally turning from blonde to brown.' Blonde=female. Blond=male. There are more cases where the wrong 'blond' is used.
8) 'Those that know us well laugh ... ' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.
9) 'My brother in law works just a few corridors away ... ' Hyphenate 'brother in law.'
10) Capitalize 'internet.'

I hope this critique will help you polish this all important chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

I'm trying to get my new book ("Savannah Fire") in shape for a run at the editor's desk in April or May. Would you read a chapter or two and let me know what I can do to improve it?

Have a sensational day.

Al

Your writing is so honest that I am swept into the situations and experience them as your characters do. I have learned from you.

Absolutely beautiful, heartbreaking story, written with the deepest passion. I was bawling within the first couple of paragraphs.

If you decide to pursue this, and are interested in hiring an editor, I hope you'll look me up: www.WritingWildly.com. I'd love to work with you on this.
- Genevieve
Under the Same Sky

This is a highly personal story that ably captures the author's emotion. Accordingly, I have no substantive comments. That said, you should revisit the way you punctuate your dialogue. Perhaps you can grab a book off of your shelf and see how it's done there. You also have several sentence fragments, comma splices, and run-on sentences. Often, it appears that your unconventional sentence structure is deliberate and conveys your unique voice. For example, you write, "Mumbles something like she doesn't want to say the words." That sentence has no subject, but the meaning is obvious. Notwithstanding, the authority in the following link is beyond question and the presentation is very easy to follow:

http://www.bartleby.com/141/strunk.html

Apply the rules there to your work and I think it will help you tighten up the manuscript so that you strike a balance between maintaining your voice and crafting technically sound prose. For example, you write, "On the night we found the disco, an undeground bomb shelter." That's a sentence fragment. The latter clause needs a verb. In other words, "an underground bomb shelter . . . . what?"

Similarly, you write, "The sky above shifted slowly from black to grey, white to pale to deep blue; the valley from murky brown to burnt orange like faded memories from Sunday school." The first clause is a complete sentence, followed by a comma, followed by a sentence fragment, followed by a semi-colon (which should indicate the following clause will be another independent clause), followed by another sentence fragment. Indeed, the clause after the semi-colon has no verb. Even if the fragments are important to your voice, if nothing else, you should employ proper punctuation. It feels like you've taken your diary and transcribed it, but you must do much more than that to make your diary a cohesive, accessible book. Good luck with this.

Hello Richard
Can I say how much I have enjoyed reading ' Andalucia ' I found your poignant writing descriptive and very moving.
Your writing is strong and compelling and you have the ability to share your emotions with the reader.

6 stars and well deserved.
Paul.

I have read the three chapters uploaded, I gave you a six star rating after chapter one. In my view, the way in which you have written your experiences couldn't be more perfect. Moving from the present turmoil to the wonderfully descriptive memories of the past alliviates the tension you have created so effectively . . . this is brilliant! As is the journaling style . . . you write the way most of us think, moving quickly from one thought to another, past, present and future entwined. I completely disagree with a comment you received with regards to sustainability, whether or not the style in which you tell of your experience could be maintained at novel length . . . I could have easily continued reading, your flow appears effortless, and it goes without saying, I was absolutely absorbed; not unusual in-and-of itself, but I rarely find myself emotionally involved within the first few sentences of a book.
I hope all is well, and I wish you great success!
Good luck Richard.
Cly (Hybrid)

You have a very interesting rhythm to your prose. In the initial scene, it really stood out to me. I can hardly describe it...it's almost like a building sensation. Your sentences many times start off quickly and take on momentum, building to a crescendo--although crescendo isn't the right word because the overall effect is quite controlled. The short, stacatto sentences, the second verb without introduction after a comma, all of it I felt very effectively captured the first scene, where we are thrust into the waiting room with you, where your thoughts must have been quite truncated and like footsteps in their heaviness. My issue, I guess, is with this particular style continuing throughout the rest. I felt as though here and there I wanted to come up for a breath. Even when the prose spreads out a bit...the part about Afiq...even then there are remnants of your stacatto style, and it is very encompassing, almost overwhelming.

As I'm sure the experience was. It's hard to critique this, Richard, because it is so personal and obviously so heartfelt. I think that you definitely capture the heightened emotions of the experience and I like the almost stream-of-consciousness feel to it at times. Because you have only posted three chapters, I'm not sure how or if you're able to maintain this throughout a novel-length work, or if that's your intention. In this style, with the different tenses and setting intertwined, I think it could be a very effective essay-length work. Again, not sure how the style would work for me in a long text. But it's beautiful writing, emotive and full of evocative description and setting. Little bits of broader perspective thrown in. Really enjoyed this--actually I tend to write the most on things that have stirred something and your work definitely has. Best of luck with this.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Dear Richard - Reading your story took me right back to 1999, when we discovered I had breast cancer that had spread to all my lymph nodes. The outlook was not good - I had a 40% chance of survival, but I did and I'm fine. It was when I was recovering that I decided instead of thinking about writing, I should get on and do it. I often wonder if that is why I did survive - because I had something important left to do.

Your story tell it like it is - no frills, and I do like the counterpoint of the reminiscing sections. You do that a lot when something like cancer happens. It helps to look back and remember those good times when the future looks so very dark. Your writing is good - I like your style a lot. The descriptiveness of the past contrasts with the starkness of the present to good effect. I'm star-rating this story highly, and when I have a space on my shelf I shall back it.

And, talk of coincidence - I grew up in the NE of England and have now lived in Andalucia for six years. Cheers! -Liz (Meggie Blackthorn - another northern lass)

I dont agree with Jane Rowan' s comment for me the 'past' scenes give a respite from the gut wrenching story you tell in powerful language. It made me cringe at the thought that your situation could be anyone's heartbreak/scare. I do agree with Caroline though you still need to edit carefully... but that is true of most of us... most impressed. I particularly liked your vivid descriptive language, almost poetic. Very happy to back you gave you 6 star rating Jeannette

I have browsed through this upload a few times and keep coming back to the same sticking point - I tend to skip the past scenes in favour of finding out what is about to happen next with the breast cancer. It might just be me, but I personally wouldn't buy this novel in its current structure. I wonder if you are trying to make it do too much - is it a memoir of your love and life (for the children and yourself) or are you telling the general reader a story about how your love for each other helped you get through this terrible time? I can't quite put my finger on why the past scenes are not hooking me in, and maybe lack of hook is the issue, the past story has no suspense of tension - the reader knows they fell in love, so what are they gaining from reading it. I do think the writing is gut-wrenchingly good in the current scenes, and I would shelve without hesitation if the reminiscent scenes were not there - I am not saying you don't need them, just think you need to make them work harder or maybe make then shorter and have more purpose. A great book (fiction) that covers similar ground is Stella Duffy's - State of Happiness and then for non-fiction - Tuesday's with Mori. Giving this six stars (for some stunning writing), but not sufficiently bowled over to shelve. Would appreciate your opinion on mine. Jake

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A touching, lyrical opening to what is surely an engaging story. An interesting main character. Well imagined settings. Good attention to important details. Perceptive narrative. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) "She's only going for the ....." When using ellipses ( ... ), only use three dots. Using more dots pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you intend to convey with five dots. You don't want that.
2) ' ... but it's the nurse that comes out.' 'That' should be 'who.'
3) The doctor said "it doesnt feel like cancer", smiled affectionately. Comma after 'said,' capitalize 'it,' and period after 'cancer.' 'Smiled affectionately' should be written as a complete sentence.
4) "But you need to have the mamogram", he added. Comma inside the closing quote mark. Punctuation always goes inside quote marks.
5) "It's difficult to tell, just from feeling" Period after 'feeling.'
6) 'It's shorter' and 'And easier' both need to be punctuated with a period.
7) Capitalize 'motown.'
8) ... and said 'don't worry, there's an army regiment based there the whole time'. Comma after 'said,' capitalize 'don't,' and put the period inside the closing quote mark.
9) 'I leave her at 6.30 am to drive to work ...' '6.30 am' should be 6.30 a.m.' There are more cases of this type of problem.
10) Capitalize 'internet.'
11) 'Its Anna's last day too, probably for months.' Its (possessive) should be it's (contraction for it is).

I hope this critique will help you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

I am polishing the first four chapters of "Savannah Passion" for a possible read by Harper Collins at the end of this month. Would you consider critiquing my second chapter before the end of the month and letting me know how I might improve it?

Have a sensational day.

Happy holidays.

Al

Hi Richard First let me say I am not qualified to comment on the grammer etc. of your book. but to me that doesn't matter. I am numb from reading your account of Anna's cancer. Perhaps this is a book that every woman should read so that they can be diagnosed early. But what a poignant story and beautifully told. You have told it in a way that it is happening, the reader goes through what you, the writer, is experiencing. The story of the kibbutz helps to soften the story, until once again we put through your pain. A very though prevoking read. Kathryn

Lives in between pleasures and sorrows are narrating in your novel. Characters having bitter experience from destiny are usually being weakened, but in your novel some characters have unique boldness to challenge walls of miseries. We all know that soil of Palestine is turbulent. Likewise, mind is also under turbulence. Life is swinging with sitting on hammock of experiments. As a novelist you are thoroughly studied not only of soil, but also of minds.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

Truely beautiful - I couldn't stop reading even thought it was so painful - any woman's nightmare - You both deserve a wonderful time in Andalucia - love to you all x

A truly beautiful piece of writing. A touching and sensive tale of the triumph of love and community over adversity. I'm sure there will be more epic twists in the remaining chapters, I only hope that the finale will be 'living happily ever after' - although real life does not always follow the intended script!

richard, this is a beautiful piece of work. i love the authenticity and the honesty of your narrative. i feel as though, as i read, i actually came to know you and anna, and i was very deeply moved. your writing flows effortlessly and you are a wonderful storyteller because your story comes from the heart. i've rated your book with 6 stars and it's on my bookshelf as well. god bless you and your family, and may much joy and healing always be yours.
mala

Just beautiful. Written in a completely different tone to kicked out. A softer and what seems more mature prose. I can't wait to read it all. Knowing you, Anna and the kids makes this an even more personal read. What a wonderful chance to learn more about and confirm what I already suspect. You and Anna make a great love story that needs to be told.

Andalucia
Many thanks for making me aware of your beautiful work. You have a lyrical style that allows the absence of periods, etc., to not interrupt your journaling style and the streaming of your thoughts. I also assume you are using different fonts on purpose?
I too would like more paragraphs in your travel passages and the same level of emotion that you earnestly feel in your present-day descriptions of her cancer. Or, could it be that there is the same level and style of writing, but the topic of cancer is so emotional that the reader reacts more emotionally to the material. Either way, I want to feel the emotion of the extraordinary life the two of you had before settling into parenthood and experiencing the mortality that plaques is all.
I'm so very pleased to back your fine book just as soon as I can access my self. Did I read right? There is a happy ending? She is cancer free?
Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

I love this piece of writing. What a wonderful way to write a memoir. In this way, you appeal to everyone not just your family. Your writing is superb. I read through fast, anxious to get to the present sections, with thier emotion and pathos. 'Write what you know' is often quoted. And who better to do just that. We've all suffered in our own way. Every reader will empathize with the words and wish they could express their emotion so well. So well that they draw tears from strangers.

I back your book with humility.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

Richard, the start of your story made me cry! Very personal and moving. The present day story, while painful, is warm and I feel close to it. The pieces that are in the past are distant and I feel less emotionally involved. Now this maybe exactly what you are trying to achieve, but I find myself rushing through them to get back to the parts of the book that I am emotionally involved with. Just something for you to consider. This will be on my shelf when I can do a shuffle--be a few days though..sorry about that..the new authonomy.

Hi Richard, been reading this for a bit and will come back to it. Your story is riveting by the way and really well written. It's just a bit too close to home at the moment. I'm facing my own fears at the moment and touching wood each time I think about it. But anyway, all seems to be well just now, and when I compose myself again I will come back and finish what you have on here. Well done Richard, and the very best of luck with getting published. x

Richard, Brave, strong, painful, necessary and extremely well-written. I can - of course- completely tune in with the necessity to write when disaster strikes. It's the only grounding there is for a writer at such a moment and its cathartic effect pulls us through. In your cause, it works extremely well and I am convinced that you are at the right place at HC. They always look for true-life stories and yours is one that stands out immediately. Your book will be found whether it is by going to the ED or by being picked out before. I wish you the best of luck both in your personal life and with your brainchild. Starred. Hannah

Richard - the read I promised. I've read the first 2 Chapters you've uploaded. I'm aware this is very personal and will try to make my comments as balanced as possible. I'll start by saying that true life stories have mixed reception from me. Well done, I'll read or watch the film and shed a tear, or laugh at the right moment. But needs to be well done - we all have issues in our life and books are often a means of escape rather than a reminder - so that was my mindset before I started to read.

You set the scene with the opening well enough. We've read the pitch so no surprises. Then the leap back to Israel. You write very cleanly and make good use of short sentences, something I like but don't always achieve. No issues with grammar and I can visualise the approach into Israel - rereading may improve the flow slightly 'but didnt' but they didnt' one small example.

We now become familiar with the style of your presentation, bouncing between present and memories of the past, emphasised with the font change. On balance I prefer the memories here - the raw emotions do come through the anger and desire to smash someones face - keep that.

You've also changed the structure - no paragraphs for Israel and those short sentences. Overall I find the powerful emotions come through - and the jump back and forward does work but would prefer to see more from the past. Juxtapose that anger and the tears with special moments.

Chapter 2 - some humour good - the use of tongues when kissing, Joe's genetic links to the veg man. The emotions are everything here and I prefer this Chapter - it comes across as more personal. However here the present was for me a better read over the past. The Israel memories I feel need to be more personal. I wanted to read more about you and Anna, juxtapose your emotions in the hospital with the time together. Push some of the other characters back and add more of your early courtship here.

One true life book I did enjoy was a 'A Boy called George' by Sue Edwards - search for it you may wish to read and contact her for comments. It made the ED and the review may also help.


I loved your long synopsis. In 18 lines you paint a wonderful roller coaster of emotions and scenes for the reader. I feel you are some way to achieving that - I did laugh, and I almost shed a tear. Go for it all. Finally best wishes to you and Anna. Best. Steve

Hi. I read some parts from your book, enough to enjoy the voice. I’m backing it and will return, when I have more time, for a more profound comment.
Could you please take a look at mine?
Dan

Richard, this is heartbreaking stuff. The emotion is raw, the detailed observations and honest feelings are so moving, all the more so because you are telling a true story. I don't feel qualified to give you much critique regarding writing technique, although I notice the odd line that reads strangely ('The doctor said, "it doesn't feel like cancer", smiled affectionately') and the odd missing comma. This does not detract from the beauty of your words but could set you back if you are looking to publish.
Karen

Many thanks Karen. All is good now. Andalucia starts very raw and ends up much more reflective and promising. Plus of course the past continues its own travels and catches up with the current. And it's a happy ending because the last chapter will be written in Andalucia when Anna and I get married there this coming April. As for your comments, thanks again. I will check through again for missing commas, though the above line you quoted sounds absolutely fine to me. I like my writing cut quite sharp. But if other people think certain sentences are odd then I should obviously look at them.
Good luck
Richard W Hardwick
Andalucia

Richard, this is heartbreaking stuff. The emotion is raw, the detailed observations and honest feelings are so moving, all the more so because you are telling a true story. I don't feel qualified to give you much critique regarding writing technique, although I notice the odd line that reads strangely ('The doctor said, "it doesn't feel like cancer", smiled affectionately') and the odd missing comma. This does not detract from the beauty of your words but could set you back if you are looking to publish.
Karen

Dear Richard, I love that you have told about Anna & her survival of cancer & all of your places that you lived, as portrayed in your pitch. :) Your tight paragraphs & dialouge moved me quickly through chapter 3, as you took me along with you. :) My sister had a breast removed & survived & the replacement part was even worse than the removal & took several weeks to inflate, so she was happy when that was over & they were both the same size again. :) Thank you for sharing your story. :) I have now read & commented on & put your book on my watchlist to read & to also at least 24 hour back when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing & at least 24 hours backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :) - click on author's name :) - click on author's name, scroll down & click on their book cove or title :) - & you're on your way :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted & is wriiten my best from my heart. :)

Hi Richard,
I have only read the first chapter, but thought that it was time you got a comment.
I am assuming you are looking for comments to make this read better.
The topic is so personal it makes it hard for anyone to tell you how to write it, You certainly have tugged at the emotions with your opening. Some might say it is a bit disjointed, but then that is probably how it felt then and still does now.
The area that I feel needs more work is the travelling to Israel. You have recounted the event, but in a flat way. Part of the problem is that it is hard to know if this is from your point of view, Anna's point of view, or an outsider looking in.
Take a good look at the first paragraph of the Gatwick departure section.
You start with she, have a confusing sentence about blondes and designer dresses lined up on chairs, then what she is thinking and then you launch into the first person. In the next section you are using - we.
I think this approach will hold this back which is a shame as there is a lot of interesting material in there.
I do also think that breaking up your paragraphs could make this easier to read. Long blocks of unbroken text can put people off, and you don't want to discourage readers.
I will come back and read more when I have some time.
Thank you for sharing such a heart-breaking event.
Caro