The Spirit Within

Excellent stuff, Stephen. Edgy and surprising. I enjoyed this a lot: wanting it to go on - more, more, more. A ghost story plus ... ! Hence, it feels kinda unique. Well written too. You have a flow, and a way of engaging me which is very rewarding. Your details are so special. A pleasure to read you. I'm alive when I'm reading you, a bit jumpy, feeling stuff. That's a compliment, by the way.

Well done, Stephen. See you in the book shops. On my shelf.

James

Masterfully written. Your prose has a detatched feel to it, as if ghostly itself, yet still remains accessible and, more than that, compelling. Very accomplished.
Shelved,
Hattie
xx

This gets you from the off. It's a low key start, if anything can be low key where ghosts are concerned. It's touching and sad when our hero meets the child ghosts for the first time, but then, this calm melancholy is shattered by the events of the fire. And then calm again with the heart achingly sad farewell scene between Jack and his wife, which was very sensitively handled and brought a slight prickle to the eyelids.
A very accomplished beginning to what promises to be a great story.

Hello Steven

Fabulous. For an eerily disturbing story, this is great. I enjoyed all the four chapters read. It is an astonishing and well-written work that held my interest. The characters are engaging and the plot is unique. The narrative is very descriptive and the discourses are good. This is a story I shelved from its pitch and I am glad I did it.

All the best.

Janvier (FLASH OF THE SUN )

The Spirit Within...

I think c.3 should deal only with the encounter with Rebekah...that's what moves your story forward, I think.

This is a fine story, however. Personally, I love it. It needs some tweaking, but with the current popularity of fantasy, I think you have a winner.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would really appreciate your brutally honest reactions because I'm revising AND trying to stay on the Editor's Desk)

The Spirit Within...

Chapter 2 is also compelling, but it raises a structural issue for me because I'm wondering why you have it at all. Keep in mind that I haven't read your entire novel, so it's difficult to know the full context. However, to me it didn't move your story forward.

What c.2 shows, however, is that you do know how to create scenes to show, rather than tell, more about your protagonist's limitations and character. What it may not do is to move your story forward, and that's really important.

Structure is my personal challenge. I've changed the structure of my own novel countless times. A really good book if you'd like to re-think your own novel's structure is Scene and Structure by Jack W. Bickham.

Reading on...

The Spirit Within...

Your opening chapter is truly compelling. I would definitely read more...and will, very shortly.

In the meantime, I think you can bump up the writing a notch by reading Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King (the authors should be paying me royalties.) This book will convince you to eliminate your adverbs and a few other tiny weaknesses--the things that agents look for when they're deciding to reject. Yes, according to Noah Lukeman (an agent) in The First Five Pages, agents look for reasons to reject before they look for reasons to ask for a partial.

Reading on, of course, despite my nits, because you are a born storyteller and I do so love your premise...

The Spirit Within...

Do promote your novel here, revising as you go along. I'm told that fantasy is one of the few genres doing well this year, and not all due to the Twilight series.

Commenting as I go along, starting with your pitches...

Love your short pitch. It works for me and will work for agents, too, because it shows your genre(s) and enough about your story to be intriguing. Get yourself into an elevator with an agent!

You have more words than you've used for your longer pitch, and I would use them. However, I like what you've got here very much.

Here's the allegedly winning formula (which I can't seem to apply to my own pitch, unfortunately):

1. Who is your protagonist? (I think you've got that one down well.)
2. What does he want? (Ibid, although you might want to tighten a bit.)
3. What obstacles does he encounter? (I think you can expand on this one with perhaps three specific obtacles. What seems to be missing is what Mark wants and tries to do when his girlfriend antagonizes the violent woman.)
4. a hint at the resolution.

Now, if you can apply this formula to your pitch, please help me with mine.

Reading on...

Hi Stephen,
Well better late than never, I hope. I'm sorry I've not got here to read you before, but have just enjoyed the first two chapters of The Spirit Within and will be back to read the rest of what you've posted soon.
I like the way that the book is heading, so far full of events in just two chapters, and also leaving a sense of wanting to read on and find out the story of your narrator, and what exactly is going on in that cafe. In addition to the protagonist's own story, I have questions in my mind about the man sweating in his suit, the door opening but nobody coming in (Death I presume?) and whether the fat useless manager, who seems familiar to me, will get his come-uppance! Not to mention the arsonist, of course. So in just two chapters you have really put a lot into the story already which I think is excellent. Especially as someone who is criticised for being a slow starter with my won writing. You are straight into the story but without giving too much away.
I found the death of Jack and his parting from his wife quite moving.
I think you write well, although it may be possible that it could flow just a little better. I think there are a few instances of inconsistency with tense - for example you write "A word; a phrase; a chunk of speech, is often all that I am able to pick up as the customers around me tucked into their various purchases." which doesn't sit quite right... I'm possibly more aware of this than others might be, because I went through a process of changing my book from past to present tense and have spotted lots of errors in my recent re-reading of it.
Other touches I like are the ghosts having black mouths, and the fact that the children from the fire are accompanied by a trail of smoke. Nice, original details.
I'm really glad I did get here eventually and intend to be back very soon... in fact I'm going to bookshelf you to push you up a little bit more and hope you get some more attention...
Kath

Stephen,

This pulled me in right away. What an intriguing, different, well-written story. It's full of little surprises along the way that kept me hooked.

You have some truly beautiful descriptions, too. I could feel this story like I was there. Great job.

Shelved.

Heidi
Turning Red

This is really cool... wow... awesome. Love the plot, love the cover, love the writing. Time to shut up and back it.

I love the power of the simplistic first sentence, which draws me in instantly. There's a strong hook at the start of this and it keeps the reader held in. I hope it won't let go and I look forward to finding out.

psychopaths, ghosts, spiritual malaise and gory killings, all thrown together in this disturbing tale of bloody doom.

this has a feeling of uniqueness about it. you manage to do the bloody slasher stuff whilst keeping the emotional side flowing, too.

a rare combination and one i'm happy to shelve.

backing it now and wishing you well with it for the future.

freddie

I think you have the fundamentals of a good story here. There is tension from the beginning with the children's expectancy. And then the fire. And then the strange, perverse women grinning at her destruction...and then more death. All of that is really good. But there is something missing.

I believe that thing is connection. Like the narrator, I have no sense of connection to what is unfolding. And that is not a good thing. Because he is so distant, I am distant. And I wanted to just shake him into reacting. After reading through chapter two, I got the sense that there is no humanity left in him. If that's what you were going for, then bravo, but it felt alienating. I wanted the MC to CARE. Oh, he claims he cares. In statements. But he doesn't REACT. There is no attempt (despite the futility) to try to save the mother and her children. No attempt to run down the perpetrator. Nothing.

I do not want to follow a story who's MC is so uninvolved. You need to give him something that appeals to the reader. Not this indifference. If you are going to keep him so nonchalant, you might want to switch to a 3rd person POV, because 1st person implies a closeness to the character that is just not present.

Sorry, it sounds like I do not like your story. That is not true. It has really great bones, I think you just need to give it some more meat. And some emotion. This story has the potential to be shocking, horrifying, heart-breaking, and touching. Bring us closer to the action through the MC and I think we'll be there.

Thank you for the read!

~Brandi Guthrie~

-Though I know the narrative is coming from a ghost, I didn’t really get a sense of anything. There seemed to be no emotion infused into the text…nor did I get a sense of where they were. It felt like I was sitting there, being told what was happening instead of going along on a journey with the characters.

-I felt disconnected from the characters and have no real sense of 'who' the narrator is.


Your premise is very interesting. With some work, I think you could have a good story here.
Norma
(The Essence)

Excellent stuff, Stephen. Edgy and surprising. I enjoyed this a lot: wanting it to go on - more, more, more. A ghost story plus ... ! Hence, it feels kinda unique. Well written too. You have a flow, and a way of engaging me which is very rewarding. Your details are so special. A pleasure to read you. I'm alive when I'm reading you, a bit jumpy, feeling stuff. That's a compliment, by the way.

Well done, Stephen. See you in the book shops. On my shelf.

James

stephen i was absolutely carried away by your story, totally gripped. i am never happy reading on screen but your writing made me completely forget that i wasn't holding the book.
this mist do well and it can start on my shelf. good luck and well done.

maitreyi
BLOGSPOT - hope you like it when you get there.

pitch : sounds enticing. 'his girlfriend arrives on the scene...' - meaning the dead scene? but then a killer is mentioned so presumably not?

i'll read on, as they say.

Good job. :)
I thought I'd already backed it, meant to, but just in case.
:) Sarah

You suck us into the story - something about dead children makes us sympathetic - even if it's a little eerie. The confusion of the narrator pulls us in. Curious. Like the workings of the Crucifix. Your prose flows well. Don't know why, but I feel "incongruous" is incongruous. I'd use a simplier word. Any way, this is first rate. Loved it. Shelved it.

What a terrifying read. You have a metaphysics of ghosts which bodes well for the story, because the best ghost stories are usually those in which the author has some idea of the relation s/he thinks his or her fictional spirit-world stands in relation to the real thing. Your first chapter is very moving, as the deaths of children will always be moving (something Dickens, among others, constantly exploited). i can see already how this crosses the genres you've identified under that heading, and I'm sure it will go far. Bookshelved.

What an extraordinary imagination you have, Stephen. Thought this was going to be a fairly routine ghost story, but you soon put paid to that. Must get into the habit of reading the synopsis before the story.

Enjoyed chapter one and will read on later. Meanwhile, can I persuade you to take a look at my book of short stories 'Brief Encounters'? It includes 'Marlowe's Last Case', which you might find amusing - having detected a hint of humour in your narrator's voice.

Marko

Marko

Stephen, this is so unusual, I don't think I've read anything similar to it before. I found the descriptions of the ghostly children with black mouths, and the expression on the face of the woman who started the fire particularly impressive. I have only two cavils, and so insignificant they probably won't worry you - referring to the children as 'lovely' and the mother as 'devoted' when they die sounded a bit mawkish, like a death reported on the news. We'd feel sympathy even if they weren't lovely. Also, Jack seeing himself dead is so removed from what we think of as reality that I don't think it's necessary to to say he must have found it surreal. As you can see, insignificant. This is an immensely readable book, very original, persuasive, and should be a success for you. Hope it is. Backing it. Lynn

haha....yah I never notice my mistakes any more...and I've made a bunch of revisions lately...so I know how it feels LOL.

I originally wrote the story in the present tense and then altered it to past tense just over a week ago. I''ve clearly missed changing loads of phrases in the first couple of chapters so thanks for noticing the errors. I really must spend time reading through them again to make sure there aren't any more!

Love this so far! It reads great and is unique and intriguing :)

My only suggestion is to watch your past/present tenses.

IE:
He’s dead like us, the boy suddenly remarks…
How do you know, she asked. (remarks should be remarked…past tense as everything else is in past tense….)

Same thing with The boy was right. I am dead.
Other than that your book is great!! I can't believe I haven't stumbled across it sooner!
I’ve just written a story about an angel…I’d love for you to check it out.
Best wishes!
Cheryl

Hi Stephen

Your first chapter is fast-paced and definitely sets the scene. Absolutely brilliant. When you capture the imagination of readers this swiftly, in one chapter, you definitely have a winner (damn, how do you DO that...back to the drawing board for me!).

Shelved!

Elaina
Gathering of Rain

Love this so far! It reads great and is unique and intriguing :)

My only suggestion is to watch your past/present tenses.

IE:
He’s dead like us, the boy suddenly remarks…
How do you know, she asked. (remarks should be remarked…past tense as everything else is in past tense….)

Same thing with The boy was right. I am dead.
Other than that your book is great!! I can't believe I haven't stumbled across it sooner!
I’ve just written a story about an angel…I’d love for you to check it out.
Best wishes!
Cheryl

Love the line, He had that air of forced superiority that fooled no one. (change to fooled, not fools)
Great!

Okay, only getting through the first two chapters today, must do some work. But I think the story is good. the beginning of chapter two seemed a little slow, but picked up soon after. IMO, this needs to be worked over for tenses, passiveness, and commas. Other than that, it is good.
If you do a little editing and update this, let me know. I'll be happy to revisit it.
:) sarah

Hey, Stephen, I'm gonna try and comment as I go. I really like this so far.

Oh, and if the little boy would say, Excuse me sir, would he not also say, may I ask you a question? instead of can?
Graph that starts, We wondered, me and my sister here.... enquires is present tense, should be enquired.

Graph, Come on Josh, let's just go and look somewhere else... how about, come on josh, let's look somewhere else? Even if they are from an older time, they are still children, and I'd have them talk in shorter sentences. JMO.

Wait, Claire. He looks just like the person she described. (take out to us)

...We were told that an angle would help us. (take out the two of) ...actually she said he would look exactly like you. (take out do) -----many of the passive sentences can be reworded and made stronger.


...Children absolutely love the idea of angels... (loved) ...It (reassured) me to know that these two still (fostered) hope (that someone) in the spiritual world (would guide) them onwards to a better place.


I now stood in someone's living room. (instead of I was now) Toys were scattered...(get's rid of an there)

The two children from the cafe, sat (where? floor, couch?) play games with each other. ...There lips were no longer black, and smoke no longer followed their every move. ...Touching the crucifix...blissfully unaware that death waited just around the corner for them. (loses a was, and take out the two of)

Down a little: "I saw you with it," Claire said. (take out interjected his sibling. I know it sounds pretty, but it pulls the reader out of the story, said is an invisible word. you almost don't see it.)

"Because he told me he was going to operate on Teddy!" (either leave off the tag line, or have Claire give us an action. Or make her cry.)

"What on earth was that?" Okay, would her voice really be hushed? And show me how she's frightened, don't just tell me.

How are the children anxiously waiting? Show me what they are doing. Are they standing quietly holding hands? do they sneak to the stairs, trying to see? What are they doing? Okay, you say in the next line, so do you need to tell us too, when you show us next?

...They (would) not leave her to face whatever (had happened), alone. (and leave it at that.)

The children (we know there are two) ran up the stairs and out of my sight. I (heard) the patter of their little feet as they climbed upward. (IMO, continued upward sounds better.)

Something shattered near me--the noise had clearly come from down here. (Or if you are to leave it, near where I stood.) ...Someone, (or something, broke) the glass...

...They looked down at the raging inferno that (quickly took) hold of their home.

I tried to call to them, but no sound came. (take out the outs. at least the first one.) ....Blood oozed out of a head wound.

Mummy, please wake up," Josh begged. (We know he's distraught.)

The flames (reached) higher, (as smoke filled) the air.

What could I do? How could I save them? (take out to help them, and then the third sentence as well)

I heard a noise from below. ...by the thick acrid smoke that did its best... ....and they now (stood back, admiring) the work of their crime....

...The woman peered up through the landing. I had no idea if she knew (three victims lay sprawled out upstairs. (After whom she was killing, break that up by starting a new graph.)

...The exact time of day (was not is) unclear(, comma) but the fact that the television (was not is)

...I succeed, and (floated) outside the house. The woman strolled along, and I followed. (Just to show the evilness behind her actions, let her stroll away. Uncaring.)

Only a ghost (to pursue her,) and what possible use was I?

....The only difference this time, was (not is)...

(Be careful with those tenses.)

...I could not stop myself (from) imagining...and their mother had (not have) experienced... I really hoped the smoke claimed their bodies before the flames (reached them).

...I (saw) no emotion on their faces.

...Scorch marks marred the edges, where the flames had tried to consume the documents.

...coughing violently as he approached. (take out me) He had inhaled quite a lot of smoke from (standing) at the door.... The emergency services still spoke on the line, trying to obtain as much background information as they could before....

...All of them watched in stunned silence...(the too brave part sounds off, can you reword that?)

...I pitied the tragic young family who had (died) this bright, sunny afternoon. (Yes, we know they were murdered, but to get rid of a was, you can change to died.) ...A few of the onlookers, (comma) who now (waited) for the firemen to arrive, (comma) now looked...flying low. (take out in the sky) ...approaching sirens. The emergency services would not be saving anyone today. (Take out the other sentences and blend them.)

first sentence in last line is confusing to me. Needs to be reworded.

I really like this Stephen. I have nit picks, which I've shown you, but the story is good. I will read more, not pointing all this out in the remaining chapters, because I believe you'll have an idea at what I'm getting at with the passive voice and past tense issues.
I'll comment more when I am finished.
:) Sarah

Stephen - I happened upon 'The Spirit Within' quite by chance whilst browsing. I liked it very much. The idea of the ghost as narrator is unusual and it is interesting to be reading the story from his perspective. The first chapter has a slightly sad feel, increased by the presence of the little ghosts of Claire and Josh. I am interested to know how the storyteller met his own demise.

Two minor editorial points - you change tenses when you say 'the girl suddenly remarks'; in the final paragraph in chapter 1, the first line is a bit confusing (should it say 'I continued'?)
Otherwise extremely well written and atmospheric.

Good luck with this. Have placed on my Watchlist for now with a view to moving up onto the bookshelf as soon as I have space!
Cheers,
Lizzie C

Hi Stephen, Your ghost narrator is very unique, unlike most first person narrators, his sad innocence. The weird business of Rebekah and the crazy woman, absurb both to the ghost and to living people, stirred my desire to understand these mysteries. And that the ghost would witness two freak scenes in the same restaurant. The narrator's dimension is maintained well, the style almost ghoulish. Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

My initial thought was that it must be difficult to come up with a new and interesting ghost story. But I see you've crafted an interesting one...or at least an interesting start to one.
A few thoughts as I read:
-Do people have dimples when they are not smiling? I'm betting they're are some but I wonder if most consider a dimple could show only on smiling faces.
-Wouldn't the kids be commenting immediately about "that being him" if they'd been looking for someone that fits his description? instead of just saying he looks dead? just a thought.
-Really like the sympathetic lost-in-the-world children...draws me right in to find out what's their story.
"What kind of person...terror on a family like that?" feels a bit unnecessary...from the very good way you've let the reader into what's happened to the children we should already be asking that without the extra need for the question.
Cafe setting reminds me of that Dead Like Me show a bit.= an audience that could connect with this.
Feels like a solid story with the intro of Rebekah towards the end of chapter three.
Best of luck!
-=Bradley Wind (A Calculated Embellishment)

Hi Stephen! I found the premise of your story to be unique and compelling. Your opening is good with characters that draw the reader in right from the start. If there was one wish I have for your work, and this is a small quibble, is to tighten some of the dialogue. In real life when people speak, they don't always answer in such a linear way. Sometimes people don't answer, answer some other question, interrupt, or ask their own questions or make their own statements according to their agendas. I found some of your dialogue too linear and in some cases could have ended sooner. Besides that one point, I think you have something here. A story that many readers would want to read...and buy when it's published. Good luck with this.

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

Hi! I've read the first three chapters and I like your premise and the fact that you've chosen to have Mark as the narrator, it helps make the story more immediate to the reader. One thing I noticed is that you sometimes have quite awkward phrasing that doesn't sound natural, like "left it is that I went", which sort of breaks the flow of your story. Other than that, I enjoyed reading this and I wish you good luck!

Brilliant concept of a ghostly narrative. This is a thriller alright and worthy of a spot on the shelf. All the best, Eric

Hi Stephen.

You grip the reader's attention and thrust your tale into his face. You do well with waiting to reveal that the protagonist is a ghost. Your explanations of death and ghosts and even "portkeys" is presented logically and clearly. Your first scene where you introduce the main characters in Chapter 1 tugs on the readers heart. Your second scene of the burning house in Chapter 1 shocks the reader into focus. Your narrative at the beginning of Chapter 2 feels as though a ghost is telling us his observations. Your scene where the man dies is written craftily and superbly. You've raised many questions the reader wants answered. Job well done.

On my shelf. Good luck. Janet Marie

Hi Stephen, Narrator as ghost. I don't know if I've ever read that before but you have handled it as if it is an established technique. The ghost having some knowledge of what he sees and the vignette sort of scenes described. Somehow it really lit the story. I've put in on my WL since I want to read more - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

This is well written and I enjoyed reading it. The opening is good and there is the feel of a thriller about the story from the get go. I like Mark, he is a wonderful character. All your characters are well drawn, they add depth to the story and help to move it forwards. You have an intriguing plot here, one which makes me want to read more and see how the story unfolds. This is a compelling book, it would make a good film. I have no nit-picks and hope to get back to comment further when I have read more. On my shelf!
Bests,
Annabelle
(Look forward to your thoughts on Adelaide ;-))

Stephen, I only had time to read your first chapter. Very nicely done and such an original concept. I will continue to enjoy it from my book shelf.

Masterfully written. Your prose has a detatched feel to it, as if ghostly itself, yet still remains accessible and, more than that, compelling. Very accomplished.
Shelved,
Hattie
xx

Intriguing right from the start and easy to visualise the events. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

This gets you from the off. It's a low key start, if anything can be low key where ghosts are concerned. It's touching and sad when our hero meets the child ghosts for the first time, but then, this calm melancholy is shattered by the events of the fire. And then calm again with the heart achingly sad farewell scene between Jack and his wife, which was very sensitively handled and brought a slight prickle to the eyelids.
A very accomplished beginning to what promises to be a great story.

This is a wonderful improvement on the first version I read. There's still some awkwardness every now & then in the prose but nothing a final polish can't fix. I'm happy to back this.

Stephen, I found myself compelled to read this interesting take on being a ghost. I think the point of the holding room was the fight the near dead put up, and recovered? If I am right, I want to know how 'You' the MC died and why you didn't put up a fight. Remind me never to visit the cafe, where was it? I am wondering also why the cafe seems to attract so much deadness. I would certainly like to read the rest of the book.

I was wondering at first if this had morphed from a piece that you intended to be a screenplay. I think it's the first person, present tense that makes me feel this. It always seems a little informative to me. There is something very unique about this work. I think there is still room for improvement in places but I'm sure you will work that out in your own good time.
Good luck and best wishes
Sue

I like this. I like the fact that the ghosts are not creepy (although everything surrounding their deaths is *smile*). I enjoyed your characters also. They are vivid with believable dialogue. The scenes are eerily intense and amazingly sad. I'll put you up on my shelf for a bit.
Stauna

Stephen,
As someone who has also written a novel based around ghosts (not on authonomy) it's really interesting to see others' take on it. And this is an accomplished one.
I think these two lines sum it up:
How fine a line it is between life and death
To be free from its earthly constraints is nowhere near as liberating as I imagined it would be.
I like it, and that's enough for me to back it.
Cheers,
Simon

What a compelling story. I love the pace of your writing. You include some beautifully-crafted phrases such as ‘Having to leave her behind was the most untimely part of my death.’ There’s a lovely simplicity to this but at the same time it captures how important Rebekah was in the MC’s life, as well as telling us that he is dead. Love it!
The way that the story progresses is gripping, emotional stuff. The scene with the fire and the children is wonderfully written and brought a tear to my eye.
This is easily one of thebest things I have read on here.
You are on my WL but going on my shelf very, very soon.
SarahK

The Spirit Within - Stephen Hilling

Your narrative is strong and it pulls the reader through it at a cracking pace. There is a lot happening in this first chapter and many question marks are lodged in the reader's mind. The chapter works very well as an extended hook to our curiosity and we want to know what is going on. Marks' death, his girlfriend's death, the stuff with the crucifixes and the running through the woods scene all keep us jogging along with the story as each new question is raised. You use some very good turns of phrase, the anonymity of the soil, the ways the leaves whisper and the trees are their masters.

Issues for me, and I don't nit-picking typos as that always seems a bit of a cope out, after all if you have strong characters, a fast-paced readable story and everything else works a few typos are not going to stop an interested publisher from taking a punt with your story. The Buts for me are around the imagery of ghosts, the story is strong and you have intrigue enough to develop a novel here, but do ghosts have to be pale, wispy things people can walk through who have blue, cold lips. Someone said it in one of your comments, reminds them of Ghost with Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze, a flattering comparison - but I would have liked a different twist on what the ghost world is like, your imagination is inventive enough afterall. Maybe they are ashy grey, can move things with their minds, see the horror and anger around people's heads, I don't know, you will know what fits best with your story. And then the crucifixes and the masked man, why do we have to have crucifixes, religious iconography in ghost, vampire, werewolf stories is perhaps a tired device. You imagination sparkles, let it sparkle, wondering if the objects that are left and that Mark picks up can be anything else. Finally, the run through the dark forest and the masked man, I was pitched out of the story with the he had two choices, right or left...I think in some places you have a tendency to overwrite certain bits. The dreamy quality of the chase scene is great, take out some of the detail, keep it poetic and fast-paced, the leaves whispering is good... You also might want to look at the dialogue between the children, it sounds a little movie-like, Did too, Did not - perhaps its just my two kids but when they argue they don't tend to speak that way...

On the whole I liked this a lot and am watchlisting and looking forward to reading further re-drafts. I noted your comments on the time it has taken to write and then the agony of chopping so much of the original draft in the second go through, I agree with you, the process is so painful but what you have here is a very good book length narrative that I know can be even better. I will come back to read some more soon, thank you for the opportunity, best of luck and best wishes - Andrew W.

The Spirit Within - Stephen Hilling

Your narrative is strong and it pulls the reader through it at a cracking pace. There is a lot happening in this first chapter and many question marks are lodged in the reader's mind. The chapter works very well as an extended hook to our curiosity and we want to know what is going on. Marks' death, his girlfriend's death, the stuff with the crucifixes and the running through the woods scene all keep us jogging along with the story as each new question is raised. You use some very good turns of phrase, the anonymity of the soil, the ways the leaves whisper and the trees are their masters.

Issues for me, and I don't nit-picking typos as that always seems a bit of a cope out, after all if you have strong characters, a fast-paced readable story and everything else works a few typos are not going to stop an interested publisher from taking a punt with your story. The Buts for me are around the imagery of ghosts, the story is strong and you have intrigue enough to develop a novel here, but do ghosts have to be pale, wispy things people can walk through who have blue, cold lips. Someone said it in one of your comments, reminds them of Ghost with Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze, a flattering comparison - but I would have liked a different twist on what the ghost world is like, your imagination is inventive enough afterall. Maybe they are ashy grey, can move things with their minds, see the horror and anger around people's heads, I don't know, you will know what fits best with your story. And then the crucifixes and the masked man, why do we have to have crucifixes, religious iconography in ghost, vampire, werewolf stories is perhaps a tired device. You imagination sparkles, let it sparkle, wondering if the objects that are left and that Mark picks up can be anything else. Finally, the run through the dark forest and the masked man, I was pitched out of the story with the he had two choices, right or left...I think in some places you have a tendency to overwrite certain bits. The dreamy quality of the chase scene is great, take out some of the detail, keep it poetic and fast-paced, the leaves whispering is good... You also might want to look at the dialogue between the children, it sounds a little movie-like, Did too, Did not - perhaps its just my two kids but when they argue they don't tend to speak that way...

On the whole I liked this a lot and am watchlisting and looking forward to reading further re-drafts. I noted your comments on the time it has taken to write and then the agony of chopping so much of the original draft in the second go through, I agree with you, the process is so painful but what you have here is a very good book length narrative that I know can be even better. I will come back to read some more soon, thank you for the opportunity, best of luck and best wishes - Andrew W.

I was thinking of the movie "Ghost" when I read this, especially when he sees his girlfriend that he loves so much. What a sad but wonderful story you have here. It will certainly keep a spot on my shelf.

All the best!

Sarah

This is now on my shelf, and I'm reading a lot today so I should get to this and comment soon.

All the best!

Sarah

Hi Stephen,

You set the scene with a tone of ongoing tension and suspense, which fits the type of story you’re telling. The opening chapter raises a lot of questions, which compels us to read on to find the answers. I do like how Mark drifts from one scene to another, listening, observing, as it contributes to the tone and premise of the story. The writing was clear and the pace good.

In the beginning we know nothing about Mark’s past, other than our narrator has died and left behind a girlfriend whom he deeply loves. I felt I needed to know a bit more about him and his relationship with her, so that I could connect with him and feel grounded in the circumstances and setting. So, you may want to feed just a tad more information about his past early on. With the three separate scenes you’ve given in the opening, some more sensory details (visual, auditory, tactile) would draw the reader in more deeply. The catch here is how much does a ghost feel/hear/smell, etc.? Obviously he’s seeing everything that’s going on, so give us more detailed visuals, let us see it so vividly that the picture is seared into our minds. What does the café look like, how many people are in it? The home that the children live in – cramped, spacious, tidy? In the third scene you achieve this, particularly when he happens upon the dead woman, and I had a much clearer picture of the setting.

A few minor niggles -
Should ‘seconds’ hand’ be ‘second hand’?
Since we’re in Mark’s POV, a couple of sentences shifted the viewpoint slightly:
“…alarm bells ringing inside her head.”
“They know something bad is happening.”
The easy way to get around this is to have the narrator make an assumption, like: “They look as if they know something bad is happening.”

This is the first ghost story I've read, so I wasn't sure what to expect or look for, so keep in mind these are just one humble reader’s reactions. I hope this was in some way helpful.

All the best,
Gemi