The Mackenzie File

Hello there Tom. Your story is well written if a tad slow at the beginning. But the fact is no two writers are the same neither are the readers. As some like a fast paced story, so do others preferring the slow start to a great story. I will not dabble with unknown territory, like critiquing your work as I am not an expert. But the little I have read of your work shows me that you can achieve what you've set out to achieve by just being yourself and writing it your way.
I will certainly back your book soon as I can make a space for it.
Cheers
Pamela 'THE OUTRAGE' & 'DEADLY DESIRES'

What can I say, John? :) I am totally amazed at your again helping me to be chosen on the the editor's desk :) - hopefully you'll keep my book on your shelf to the end of January, so I don't slip into 6 & slip out of the top 5. :)
Thank you from the very bottom of my heart. :) May God open the windows of Heaven on you will blessings. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. You must have read my updated health problems on my profile page to see how badly I need help. :)

Tom, I also read chapter 1 and agree 100% with Moderino. The pace at the beginning is too slow and doesn't seem to have anything of real importance. If any of the specific places described has an important role later in the story perhaps you could introduce the description at that time.

Hi Mooderino
Thanks for your message, and your comments. Your points about Chapter 1 are well taken, and similar comments have been made by others. Could I request your continued indulgence to read Chapter 2, to see if there is any improvement.
Incidentally the book has been published by Raider Publishing International (a Vanity Publisher) so I cannot amend the story just yet.
Could I also impose on you to give a glance to The Thackery Journal. This is the only unpublished work and is very much in its early stages.
Thanks once agin. best wishes
John

i found the pace of this very slow at the start. Long detailed descriptions of the town and its surroundings made it feel like reading a brochure and there was too much general information to take in; most of which i suspect won't be all that pertinent to the action to follow, and if it is I probably won't remember it by the time that happens. It's very hard to retain a big block of information like that, especially when it's delivered in such a dry, text-book fashion.

You have to remember that you, as the writer, already have an investment in the story and the characters but you can't assume the reader will automatically have that unless you create it. All that info on the town and it's history may seem fascinating to you, but without something to hook it onto (action, drama, plot) it reads like random information.

The first chapter continues in this vein, with a lot of indiscriminant info, a lot of repetition of details and not much happening. I didn't feel like I was in the story, just being told a lot stuff second or third hand.


I would suggest you concentrate more on people doing things, and not over explain why and what the backstory is, it should speak for itself. Also it is a more effective way to add description through action, so for example a man putting a letter in a desk and locking it is more memorable than a man looking at a desk and describing it in loving detail. Both scenes can give you a picture of the desk, but the one where the desk plays a role, rather than just being set dressing, is the one that will have the most impact.

I would also suggest using language more efficiently. A detective/thriller story relies on pace and hammering a point home too much does the opposite. This story started off very slow and meandered, getting bogged down in extraneous details.

Hello John
My thoughts as I read your work.....
I like the start, good setting of scene – Steinbeck like
You write very well...love your descriptive gentle style
Personally I prefer the simpler – it was compact, neat and comfortable, like an old sweater - (without going into further detail as I think you stretch it too far – but simple, I think it’s a great simile)
I’m happier that the second half of chapter one starts moving (in the car with his son). For me, there was a little too much in the first half, gorgeous as it was at times. I wanted to move earlier and so my thoughts would be to chop some of what comes before, and add it later when they arrive back in the village. It’s like the book suddenly changes when you decide to get going – shorter paragraphs, movement, other people, suspicions - all great stuff and well written. But I just think there’s a little too much description before this and so they seem very different.
My choice (and it is only my opinion and so please feel free to tell me to naff off) would be to prune the descriptive opening, but keep the bits you’ve pruned off as they are all good. Then sprinkle them throughout later (in car with son? Returning to village)
Chapter two seems more balanced – between description and movement. And it adds good depth to the overall story. I like where it’s going. Chapter three broadens out even further. Although I’ve read the synopsis I started in a little town and kind of thought it might stay there. I enjoyed it so much and am looking forward to getting back there. But what is happening is that the story is branching out hugely. And the stuff about Mackenzie and Duncan is interesting too. And so I’m reading this and enjoying it, and looking forward to going elsewhere. That’s a good feel. You’ve set the groundwork for an expansive novel and you write well enough to achieve it I’m sure
With thanks – Richard W Hardwick – author of Andalucía

Hi Eveleen
thank you so much for your message. And thank you for your backing. I hope that you enjoy it. Sadly I have only managed to download a small section of the book. I am having great difficulty. I have left several messages with the site administrator but they don't seem particularly bothered. I'll keep trying.
Best wishes
John

The Mackenzie file
You gave a good discription of the town
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

You are totally fantastic, John!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s each) :) - could you please ****** mine, too. :) Every ****** -ing & at least 24 hour backing moves our books up on authonomy lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf as long as possible because I'm 8 from the editor's desk & trying to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of December :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 20 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 9 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks earlier this year.

Dear John, I love your intriguing pitch about blackmail & murder & how all of the prestigious people fit in :) - WOW :) Your crisp dialogue & paragraphs moved me right through chapter 3 & I was so happy that I don't know & have nothing to do with Ian Duncan :) - he's bad news for sure. :) I cringe every time he is in a scene. :) What a fabulous write with so much suspense. :) So, what happens next? Usually, I write a happy ending in my mind, but with your story, that seems impossible. :) Hope you will write a lot more totally exciting books. :) I have read, commented on, & put your book on my watchlist to read & to at least 24 hour back when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing & at least 24 hour backing moves our books up on authonomy's lists :) - click on author's name, scroll down their profile page, click on their book cover or title :) - & your are on your way :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted & is written my best from my heart. :)