The Chestnut Unicorn (and the Quest for Planet Tara)

CHESTNUT UNICORN
This is an interesting children’s story. Amalie is a good main character; I think schoolagers will like her and be able to identify with her with ease. Your vocabulary seems just right for your age group; I think they’ll follow this readily. Overall, a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who killed the President?

Dani,

I have read the first three chapters so far. I love the voice of your story; it has the real quality of someone telling a tale to a child. I can imagine it would be lovely to read aloud.

I will not nit pick as I can see you have lots of comments to be working on.

I felt the first two chapters flowed beautifully and had a real magical quality. For some reason, I felt chapter 3 felt more grown up, a little more distanced???

Anyway, you have a really magical style and I will read more when I get chance.

Tracey

A most amazing story. Very fairytale like. And enjoyable. Best of luck with it.

I love the sound of your work and will read it shortly :)

Hi Danl,

I’m here for our read swap (Sorry it’s taken me so long). Below are my findings/comments. They are, of course, my humblest opinions and should be taken for whatever they’re worth.

In your short pitch, the comma after “worlds” should be a period as it divides independent clauses. A semicolon would work, but in this case I think a period would be more effective.

You don’t need that ellipse in the short pitch.

I really like the premise, but the long pitch needs a scrub. It gets a bit wordy and sometimes a little tedious to follow what you’re getting at. A good scrub and whittling of words would do the trick, I think.

Chapter one

I love the first couple lines. Great imagery. In the second line, however, you use “gently” twice. Remove one of them.

The first sentence of the second paragraph is clunky. Seems like too much information crammed in. Maybe parse it out.

“She loved to gaze at the sky and watch for heavens gift.” First, heavens should be possessive. Second, not sure what this sentence does for you. You talk about her having a revelation, then you talk about watching for heaven’s gift. I’m not sure what that is and am having trouble following your thought pattern here.

In the third paragraph, drop “Skye,” as we already know her full name.

“her Mothers” Mother should be lowercase in this case. If it’s “Mother said this…” it’s capitalized. If it’s “Her mother said this…” it’s lowercase.

Mothers should be possessive

Drop the ellipse.

From this point on, I read for readability and storyline. But this really needs a scrub for wordiness and grammar. Not a big deal and certainly not something we don’t all deal with. It just reads like an earlier draft in some parts.
The poem shouldn’t be bolded. If anything, you could italicize it.

This is a good start. I love the MC. She speaks well to your reader, which is of the utmost importance. The story is good, too. I think the biggest thing is to give it some good, hard edit scrubs.

Best of luck with this!

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

I read the first chapter, but to be perfectly honest I started to skim toward the end of it.
The most striking thing is this chapter is that no ten year old could possibly talk like Amalia does when she's telling a story to Lionel. I doubt if she could even pronounce some of those words if she were reading them straight from a storybook, much less understand what they mean. She may be a special little girl, but she doesn't sound like a girl at all. In fact, nobody talks like she does. (It was at that point I started skimming.)

I would recommend having the story begin closer to the action, which comes right at the end of the first chapter. It shouldn't take long to get there. All the background information is meaningless to me until care about the character and what happens to her. And I didn't care until she said, "I'm scared." The majority of the background info could be cut away, leaving me with just a story to read — which is all I want.

Much of the present-tense information could be worked into the story itself; in other words, show me, don't tell me. For example, instead of saying that Lionel is cute and cuddly, have him cuddle up in Amalia's lap. Then I could see that he's cuddly. Instead of saying that his ears stand up to attention, you could have him detect some far off sound that makes his ears stand up to attention. You don't have to say that he loves plastic bottles, because I can see that from the way that he plays with one. Cut away the part where you tell me that you're going to tell me about Lionel. Just tell me. Better yet, just show me.

Another example: Instead of telling me that Amalia can name all the stars, you could have her pointing out Orion and telling Lionel the names of them while he cuddles on her lap. That would tell me a lot about Amalia, Lionel, and the relationship between them without your having to say it.

I think you could convey everything you want to convey if you stopped trying to narrate and just focused on the story. And resist the temptation to say anything more than necessary.

I like the idea that there's a young girl with teddy bears and a pet ferret, and she's reading a story to them when something disrupts her and makes her scared. If it were written from the child's point of view (a more childlike point of view and a more childlike child) without so much mythology, I'd like to read further.

I hope these comments help. Good luck!
Owen

Hi Danl,
I have just read your first chapter and I think it shows potential. Amalia is a charming and interesting little girl but I think you need to sort out just what viewpoint you're going to tell this story from. Mostly you place the reader firmly into Amalia's head, but every now and then, such as your initial description of Lionel, you break away and use a third person viewpoint. This, I felt, is unnecessary as it interrups the flow of your writing, and also the story. I think you need to stick to Amalia's POV as all the information you give the reader can all come quite legitimately from her eyes.
Beware though, of phrases such as "she screwed her little face.." No ten year old girl would think of herself in those terms. Amalia also uses words like "eccentric" to describe her father and his friends, - I didn't feel this was the voice of a ten year old.
Beware also of giving your readers information they don't really need, such as in the paragraph beginning "However on this very cold night..." This passage once again is out of Amalia's POV, she can't possibly know this. Such narrator omniscient snippets break the flow. You are also 'telling' not 'showing' events in your book, and you could easily cut this bit.
You already know there are many little grammatical and punctuation errors in this chapter, so I won't list them. I will say though, that a clean manuscript is pretty important if you plan to submit your ms to an agent or publisher.
One last thing to mention, be careful of writing unintentionally funny sentences, such as the one beginning "Without a mother... she grew into a little girl..." I know what you meant, but to me it sounded amusing. What else would Amalia grow into if not a little girl?
I hope you find these comments helpful and I wish you all the best with your writing. Please don't worry about returning the read, KING'S ENVOY achieved its gold medal some while ago. All I ask is that you might consider buying the book, or if it is not to your taste, at least mentioning it to others.
Best regards,
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

An endearing an whimsical tale told with great imagination to rival that of the author of Peter Pan. I love the tone and the inflection and the heart of this. For some reason it reminded me a bit of the Little Prince. It is a favorite of mine. =)

Many blessing and best wishes to you,
Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"

You have a great imagination and your story is very enchanting! The only criticisim I could find was the same thing I'm always told, show don't tell. It sometimes loses my attention a bit when there is a bunch of narrative all together. Good Job!

Hailey Graham and the Secrets of the Cobalt Eye
Jenny Micka

Would consider deleting (outside) in the first para. It was then, the association (cut "that" where you can) . . . Heaven (')s gift . . . would also consider joining the first two paragraphs. And, it was then, the association . . . mother(')s . . . Born eight years ago, her mother's final words gave Amalia Skye her unusual name. (no need for . . . here) without (her) mother to . . . into the little tom girl that she is. (next sentence not making sense. (her father caressing her white hair. and what had inspired him?) . . . She had a tingling inside of her . . . It was on this blustery night, (kill the that) events would change her life, along with that of all mankind. These events, opening the door to miracles, unseen. The sky was dark, and (her name) . . . (a certain constellation of stars).

It sounds like an enchanting story. I think if you try and use a natural voice, it would read less confusing. Tell it as if you were telling a child this story. Read it aloud. Your thoughts are here, but are confusing. Cut words where you can.
A tear tumbled down her cheek. Leave the ellipses at the end of this and drop her her final dialogue for punch. It's a great way that you ended this chapter.
Lots of commas missing.
Amalia snatched Lionel to her chest (cut, cut, cut). . . . huge flash (huge is not needed) . . . they rubbed noses . . . Amalia sat up and arranged her teddy bears . . . watch your dialogue. People use contractions.
Again, read it aloud.
Don't try and sound mystical, allow the story to take the reader there. As I said, I think you need to use a natural voice. After youedit, if you like, let me know and I'll check it out and offer more. Stay with one chapter until it shines. Issues with punctuation can be resolved with the use of an online editing software. I use Grammerly. You should try it.

Best of luck!

Susanne

I have enjoyed reading through your first few chapters, and like the overall character of Amalia. My only reservation is that I feel she could be a little bit older. Some of her spoken language seems a little old for her years. Phrases and words such as 'naked eye' and 'ailing star' are not common words used by eight year old children. However the rest of her characteristics are well placed and it is easy for the reader to picture the image you build. Also, I know you are aiming this book at a young adult market, so there needs to be more of a link built between the reader and your main character. While your work is well written, many eight - ten year olds are not going to be able to read this independently and anyone older may not be interested as the MC is only little and playing with teddy bears.
However, I love your style of writing. My views on the age of your character are just my own views, so don't take it personally! This is a good story.
Well done.

Nice job of building your setting in your opening paragraph. It created quite the nostalgic feeling of winters growing up in Michigan.

Amalia's character is extremely easy to relate to. Reader's will quickly become attached to her. And in most cases you do a good job of writing from her voice. I loved the line, "If you were an outsider looking in you could be forgiven for mistaking this scene for a late night bar brawl after too many sherbets!" Nice voice. I'd look to see if you can work this in more frequently.

I love the quaint feel of this opening. It's calm and inviting and sets the stage for something exciting to flip Amalia's world on its head.

You finish the chapter strong with immediate tension that had me turning to chapter two. Nice hook.

Suggestions: I'd rewrite the sentence, "Without a mother to nurture..." It's too wordy. Break it up. Avoid telling sentences such as "the sky was dark." I'd avoid the two instances of "eccentric" in the paragraph, "The sky was dark..." Mix it up. How does Amalia know what "paltry" means? Be consistent with her voice. The narrator's interruption with "I will stop at this point..." didn't work for me. I'd just continue to write in the narrator's original voice and introduce Lionel. If you went back and worked this type of voice into the earlier pages of this novel, then I would buy this interruption. Right now, though, it felt too out of character.

As a whole, this would benefit from a thorough polish. Your writing is strong, but I think if you tried reading this aloud, you would find better ways to phrase certain sentences that would tighten your narrative and improve the pacing of your story.

Typos: It should be: "heaven's gift." Also: "mother's final words." Don't forget the apostrophe when writing possession. "If" should not be capitalized in the sentence starting, "Although alone in her bedroom..." Same with "Into" in the sentence starting, "She tried to understand what..." You have some missing punctuation in your dialogue. Make sure you review how to properly write dialogue. Other than that, this is well-edited.

This is a solid opening that will appeal to the target audience. I love the way you vividly developed Amalia's life and introduced the conflict. With a bit of editing and polish, this will be even stronger. Good start!

you use good narrative, here with great description and effective dialogue...the steady pace make this book a 'must read'.
on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Hello, I have read three chapters and I have to say that this sure does pull you in and doesn't really leave you go, as an adult. I imagine you wouldn't be able to pry this from a smaller hand if you tried. I really like Amalia, she is a very believable character and you can't help but adore her, and with Lionel as her furry sidekick! I haven't read the other reviews and you have probably got it covered, but, there are some hanging quotes and parentheses. I thought you had a few spots where there was a touch of awkward wording. The scene when she is in the kitchen is a little funny. In that scene I think when you pause from the action and explain who the neighbors are and that they were helpful to the father after the mother died takes a bit too long. It takes a little away from the urgency of the scene. When she narrates the story of the fallen star, the image of a child kind of fades away and she seems a little older. I am sure she has the words memorized since it was told to her so many times so I guess she could repeat the story word for word. It has just the right bit of "scary unknown thing" for a young reader and the suspense to go along with it. I love the poetry that is in it, and that it ties in with the pendant. At any rate, I really enjoyed this and I will put this on my bookshelf when I have an empty spot. Good work!
-Anna

I have read three chapters so far and i'm loving it, Amalia is very real and likeable and the story hooks you in straight away. All my children lined their teddies up around their beds just like Amalia and one still does despite being a teenager now. I'm looking forward to reading more, well done and good luck,
Starred and on my WL
Lindsey
Vortex

In response to your thread; don't despair Danl! You have a brilliant imagination, talent for storytelling, and a great little character in Amalia. I love her brave pills!
The only thing, I think, you need to work on is your punctuation. Give your story a couple of thorough edits. There are quite a lot of speech marks missing. You need to add apostrophes to indicate possession. But these are just small things. I believe this story and your writing has potential. Keep at it!
I'm currently at the end of chapter 4 and can't wait to see what your fantasy world is like!
Becky x

How totally wonderful you are, Danl!! :) Thank you so very much for backing my memoirs/testimony book :) May God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have gold ******-rated your book :) - hope you've ****** 'd mine, too. Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because, I'm #1 on the editor's desk & I don't want to lose traction & to remain in the top 5 to be chosen February 28. :) Please read my profile page: I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after almost 1 year of trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

A lovely read and sensitively written. Somehow the reader is draw in immediately.

Best Wishes


Richard

This is a magical book and Amelia is a wonderful character that I think children will like. I used to love books like this when I was younger, and a part of me always will. You've got the right kind of style for this genre and age range, a storyteller type feel flows from your reading. Does that make sense? I could just imagine it being read aloud. I've read three chapters and was charmed by it.

Stars and a shelf soon!
Missy
Healing Within

Loved this, Danl. I think the age of Amelia might be a little problematical, but otherwise it's magic. I suspect you and I may be thinking along the same lines as my book has some similar themes, although our stories are very different. Best of luck with this. I look forward to seeing it in print.
Nicky

Loved this, Danl. I think the age of Amelia might be a little problematical, but otherwise it's magic. I suspect you and I may be thinking along the same lines as my book has some similar themes, although our stories are very different. Best of luck with this. I look forward to seeing it in print.
Nicky

Loved this, Danl. I think the age of Amelia might be a little problematical, but otherwise it's magic. I suspect you and I may be thinking along the same lines as my book has some similar themes, although our stories are very different. Best of luck with this. I look forward to seeing it in print.
Nicky

I liked the overall concept of your story and your writing. I've only read the first three chapters, so far, but you might want to think about the following. I thought Amelia came across as younger than eight in some places (when she's talking to her teddies) and much older in others (.when telling the story). The age of your protagonist could be a problem. In most children's books, the protagonist is roughly the same age as the readership so they can relate to him/her, but there are always exceptions!
Good work.
I've given you stars and put you on my watchlist.
If you do have chance to look at my children's story i'd be very grateful.
With best wishes
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

backed... AS PROMISED!!!!!

Have 6 starred this and added to our WL which means you WILL make our shelf in the next (+3) round of backings (its 11pm for us). Check our comments trail if u want to confirm this and do feel free to chase at ANY TIME to know exactly how long till ur going up...

Hey Danl - this is fantastic - truly lives up to what I thought it would and some - love the extra little gems, the Nooks' Dev'n accent and telepathic communication. Genius - can we have some more soon please - would like to know what happens next xxx

A budding writer with a unique style. The child in every adult, cannot fail to be spellbound. I shall be waiting for chapters to be added, and for adventure to unfold. Well done Danl.

Danl,
I found this opening chapter very endearing...I like the message of enviromentalism that you have clearly presented and I find that your choice of an 8 y/o girl to portray that message very clever. I'm excited to read more. The only thing I would say is that the pov shift with lionel was a tad bit confusing. Great job so far!
Kayla

Hi Danl, :You've established a lovely atmosphere in the first few pages. The still night and the sense of a quiet-before- the-storm moment feels almost whimsical. You effectively introduce us to your protagonist, Amelia and entice us like a seasoned pro to read further. Shelved and best of luck! JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane) .

Dear Danl, I love Amelia & that she has a 'key' to an arduous journey, as your pitch portrays. :) Your crisp dialogue & paragraphs moved me right through chapter 7 (dupl.) I love your precious Amelia & that she has the necklace with the pearl that was her mom's that she grasps when afraid. :) The engraving of her headboard that was once her mom's with the poem was totally touching. :) I love that you have rhymes throughout your story & that Amelia's guardian was with her & talked to her & told her she would always be with her & I smiled. :) You description of the Nook was precious, too. :) What a wonderful adventure. :) Hope you will write a lot of books. :) I have read, commented on, & put your book on my watchlist to back more than 24 hours when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated our book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing & backing-more-than-24-hours moves our books up authonomy's lists :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted & is written arduously my best from my heart, as I know your book is, too. :)

This is a sweet and fascinating story and an original fantasy. I found lots to like here. I particuarly liked Lionel and his love of plastic bottles.

There are some punctuation glitches: a lack of the possessive apostrophe – “mother’s final words”, “heaven’s gift”, “baby’s rattle”; also “can’t” and " off the pair of them shimmied" " doesn’t need to end with speech marks; spelling – for “ariel” (a character from Shakespeare’s “Tempest”, I think you mean “aerial”.

Some sentences read beautifully and almost poetically, others can sometimes sound a little clunky to my ear. Have you tried reading the story aloud to yourself and amending any phrases that don't flow as easilly as speech? - just a thought.

This has all the makings of a very good read - the joy of repeated edits (sigh!) should weed out the glitches.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Hi. Fantasy is not my forte but I browsed through your book, enough to enjoy the voice. I’m backing it and will return, when I have more time, for a more in-depth comment.
Could you please take a look at mine?
Dan

I really like this. I think there's a lot more to this story than meets the eye, I will look forward to reading the rest of it! Good Luck Danl.

I only read chapter 1, but I liked the story the girl told.
Some nitpicks
And so it was that she grew into the curious little girl with the white hair so lovingly caressed into the world soley by her father Lucien. (awkward sentence)
The sky was dark, which made it easy for her to see the constellations….but she couldn’t see them. (I would change it so that she tried to see them, but couldn’t)
Although in her bedroom (and meant to be sleeping!)….I liked that bit.
At last nights discoveries…at last night’s discoveries.
She decided at this moment that she would tell it out loud this way…she decided at this moment that she would tell it out loud. (Something she had never done before. She always just said them in her head before-although she does it so well, was there something else about this time that was unique?)

I thoroughly enjoyed your book and cannot wait to see what happens next.

Great Book Danl keep up the good work really worth having a good read loved its great A++++++++++

Dear Danl, I can see how influenced you are by some of the past greats. You write with a passion that really pulls the reader in. A little raw, [ but who isn't ], and they are lying if they say theirs wasn't. This was a brave attempt that is bold and descriptive. A will full play to capture the curiosity of any Parent who wants to read with their children, then this book will give you that chance. A refreshing change to most other fantasies, I think you have found your style, that will help you achieve your dream. Good luck and best wishes with your book. And please look out for my backing. Take care, Cicuta, [ Carl, Arcane ].

Fabulous, well done you x

Lots here to intrigue the reader! :)