Rim to Rim –– Death in the Grand Canyon

Fast and furious! Right out of the starting gait. I personally love it. The weight limit., Hilarious! Screamed through chapters 1 and 2. Reading on...

To mix 3rd person and 1st person is something I usually dislike. But here we have Amy, setting out on an adventure, (1st person) but we also have the ominous figures of Dawg and Blade. We know that they are going to meet. You establish Amy's character beautifully - she is apprehensive about things, but she goes ahead anyway. If Sarah and Amy team up, as I expect they will, (I read 6 chapters) they should be a match for the two stupid but dangerous baddies. We would miss something if we didn't have those short pieces with Dawg and Blade. Doing it this way works.
Other things I want to mention: that piece of beautiful description of Celia, 'her soft skin was as beautiful as a much-loved quilt.'
Just one typo I caught in six chapters: Ch 6, 'a common site' should be 'sight.'
Very well done, and to be backed. Marj.

Well, Jeanne; shortest first chapter I've read in - forever. At least you started out with action. That's good.

Suggestion: If you're going to start out like that, try a prologue that will bring the reader up to date to where the story starts. Seriously, I'm not being mean, I just want to help.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

This was very easy reading and I found myself up to chapter eight before I realised it. I like the way you draw your characters. If I found this at the library I'd definitely take it home with me. It's not often Walden and I agree, but there's certainly value in the idea of combining the chapters with Dawg and Blade into one chapter later on. As an Aussie, I'm impressed with the background of the Grand Canyon and will be reading on.

Thank you, Walden, for your comments on Rim to Rim––Death in the Grand Canyon. Oddly, the chapters you mentioned were added later because others said I needed more excitement (the hook ) in the beginning. I'm torn as to which works better for me. I also thought of combining all the short chapters into one and putting it as the second chapter. Who knows what readers will like. I have time tonight to read some of your Titanic story. Thanks again.
Jeanne
Rim to Rim -- Death in the Grand Canyon.

Jeanne,
Rim to Rim-Death in the Grand Canyon has a very compelling storyline. I had no idea that hiking in the Grand Canyon was so dangerous and am glad I returned to the motel instead of hiking all the way down to the bottom. I seldom offer constructive criticism, but this story has such great potential. I found the shifting perspectives to be confusing. I've never suggested this to anyone before, but I think Chapters One, Three, Five, and Seven should be deleted. Those scenes between Blade and Dawg were distracting to me. I think the entire story should unfold from Amy and Sarah's perspective. I assume they will encounter Blade and Dawg at some point in the narrative, but the reader doesn't need those two characters introduced until they become a part of Amy and Sarah's experience. I very much enjoyed the other chapters and have rated the book with six stars as I think the distraction of the shifting perspectives can easily be fixed by simply deleting the chapters I mentioned and starting the narrative with what you have uploaded as Chapter Two.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Jeanne,
Rim to Rim-Death in the Grand Canyon has a very compelling storyline. I had no idea that hiking in the Grand Canyon was so dangerous and am glad I returned to the motel instead of hiking all the way down to the bottom. I seldom offer constructive criticism, but this story has such great potential. I found the shifting perspectives to be confusing. I've never suggested this to anyone before, but I think Chapters One, Three, Five, and Seven should be deleted. Those scenes between Blade and Dawg were distracting to me. I think the entire story should unfold from Amy and Sarah's perspective. I assume they will encounter Blade and Dawg at some point in the narrative, but the reader doesn't need those two characters introduced until they become a part of Amy and Sarah's experience. I very much enjoyed the other chapters and have rated the book with six stars as I think the distraction of the shifting perspectives can easily be fixed by simply deleting the chapters I mentioned and starting the narrative with what you have uploaded as Chapter Two.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Good morning, Jeanne. Well, you got my attention in the first chapter. I especially like the way you've written your dialogue. It's very true to the action. It wouldn't work if the driver said something like "Did you get it?" and was answered back "Yes, I did." under the circumstances. I'm going to pick it up later and read a little more, but I think this is a good start.

I, too, have a book, A PLACE IN LIFE. It's written in the first person and I am looking for first impressions to see if this was a good Idea or not. I would appreciate it very much if you could take a few minutes and check out a chapter or two and just give me a comment on the style.

Thanks in advance.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

hi Jeanne, strong writing. fine pace, compelling action. i could send only kudos but here are a few tiny editing thoughts.

ch1:
maybe "rear-view mirror" or "rearview mirror"

ch2:
found it a bit stange that the MC was daunted upon entering O' H airport property. didn't seem in character. also wondered about her fretting about the airline losing her luggage. such details do make her vulnerable and human, but could you show her humanity with a slightly more positive spin?
.
hmm, 28-pound pack? seems a bit light for backpacking in the GY. i know she's not a hiking fanatic, but maybe a few more pounds?

best wishes, andy

Thanks, Al, for your great comments. I don't know how I missed these errors after 50 (oops--fifty) readings. I didn't know that blond is gender sensitive. I'll go back and fix the errors and re-write the cliche's . This is the type of feedback I've been hoping for.
Jeanne
Rim to Rim––Death in the Grand Canyon

I read your first five chapters.

General comments: A gripping opening to what promises to be an intriguing adventure. An interesting main character. Excellent descriptions. Good tension. Fast pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) "Yeah. "Yeah. I got it." Remove the quote mark in front of the second 'yeah.'
2) 'He wiped blood from his hands' hooked me.
3) Start a new paragraph with "Shut up." Each time you shift focus or dialogue to another character, start a new paragraph.

Specific comments on chapter two:
1) 'Curl up with a good book' is ciche. So is 'I needed to have my head examined.' Consider writing the same ideas, but in fresh ways.
2) 'I wrestled my 28 pound backpack from ...' Spell out numbers 1 to 99. There are more cases of this type of problem.

Specific comments on chapter three:
1) 'A blond woman hopped out.' Blond = male. Blonde = female.

Specific comments on chapter four:
1) 'As sharp as a tack' is cliche.

Specific comments on chapter five:
1) 'The man in passenger seat opened the main compartment ...' Insert 'the' after 'in.'

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a delightful day.

Al

I read your first five chapters.

General comments: A gripping opening to what promises to be an intriguing adventure. An interesting main character. Excellent descriptions. Good tension. Fast pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) "Yeah. "Yeah. I got it." Remove the quote mark in front of the second 'yeah.'
2) 'He wiped blood from his hands' hooked me.
3) Start a new paragraph with "Shut up." Each time you shift focus or dialogue to another character, start a new paragraph.

Specific comments on chapter two:
1) 'Curl up with a good book' is ciche. So is 'I needed to have my head examined.' Consider writing the same ideas, but in fresh ways.
2) 'I wrestled my 28 pound backpack from ...' Spell out numbers 1 to 99. There are more cases of this type of problem.

Specific comments on chapter three:
1) 'A blond woman hopped out.' Blond = male. Blonde = female.

Specific comments on chapter four:
1) 'As sharp as a tack' is cliche.

Specific comments on chapter five:
1) 'The man in passenger seat opened the main compartment ...' Insert 'the' after 'in.'

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a delightful day.

Al

Thanks, Mary, for your comments on Rim to Rim--Death in the Grand Canyon. You are the second person to point out that I need to describe the driver and passenger in more detail. I'll must work on that. Good luck with Qualities of Woods.
Jeanne

I read through chapter five and I must tell you, it was an easy read. In a good way! I wasn't distracted by grammar and other issues; I was just yanked directly into the story and was genuinely interested in what was happening. I like the back and forth between chapters, first with the fast-paced scenes with the driver and mystery man, then with the woman preparing for her journey. I think that in each, you captured a particular tone, and Amy's voice feels genuine and I was interested in her as a character. One thing I had a small problem with was in the car scenes. I realize that you have chosen not to name the passenger for a reason, but it was sort of distracting at times, the use of pronouns only or "the passenger." If you're not going to name him, I think I would have preferred a bit of description at the start, like "the large hairy man" or something, then you can jog the reader's memory a bit with things like "he wiggled his large backside on the seat." It's a rather silly example but I think the point was I can't really get any sort of image of him at all. I don't need a full description, just something.

But really, I loved the pace of this and it felt like a great adventure beginning. Well done!

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

An action packed beginning with polish charcters and diolouge that engages from the first word. Tarrant

I read through chapter five and I must tell you, it was an easy read. In a good way! I wasn't distracted by grammar and other issues; I was just yanked directly into the story and was genuinely interested in what was happening. I like the back and forth between chapters, first with the fast-paced scenes with the driver and mystery man, then with the woman preparing for her journey. I think that in each, you captured a particular tone, and Amy's voice feels genuine and I was interested in her as a character. One thing I had a small problem with was in the car scenes. I realize that you have chosen not to name the passenger for a reason, but it was sort of distracting at times, the use of pronouns only or "the passenger." If you're not going to name him, I think I would have preferred a bit of description at the start, like "the large hairy man" or something, then you can jog the reader's memory a bit with things like "he wiggled his large backside on the seat." It's a rather silly example but I think the point was I can't really get any sort of image of him at all. I don't need a full description, just something.

But really, I loved the pace of this and it felt like a great adventure beginning. Well done!

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

I have backpacked the Grand Canyon and these chapters have nailed the scenery and described the backpacking genre and lingo to a T. Great job. It makes the crime fiction novel read like a true story.

Jeanne,
Great opening scene with action and exciting dialogue. Characters are realistic and jump off the page. Keeps the reader wondering what's in the backpack????
Hmmm...read on if you wanna find out.

Babs, Thanks for your comments. I was hoping someone would enjoy the trip to the Grand Canyon as much as the action story that will become more evident in the last half of the book.
Jeanne

Jeanne, Never been to the Grand Canyon, and don't usually read travel books, but found it very easy to read yours to the end of ch 13. Won't attempt to comment technically as I'm the world's worst...but found it well written and crammed with interesting facts about the location. I liked the way that you kept nipping back to the drug dealers as it was a good contrast to your travel diary. I would have liked to see a little more made of this, although I am assuming that this will come later in the story. On my W/L.Good luck with this.
Babs

Jeanne, Never been to the Grand Canyon, and don't usually read travel books, but found it very easy to read yours to the end of ch 13. Won't attempt to comment technically as I'm the world's worst...but found it well written and crammed with interesting facts about the location. I liked the way that you kept nipping back to the drug dealers as it was a good contrast to your travel diary. I would have liked to see a little more made of this, although I am assuming that this will come later in the story. On my W/L.Good luck with this.
Babs

Pia,
Thank you for taking the time to comment on Rim to Rim--Death in the Grand Canyon. Feel free to make suggestions anytime. I need them. Would it be better to combine the short drug-dealer chapters into one? They aren't named because we don't see them again as bad guys for several chapters.

You are the second person to not like the "sound of the key in the lock was a sigh of relief". I guess I'd better play with it some more.

I'm flailing around in the dark all by myself with the writing process and can't get good feedback in a timely manner. Does Authonomy have a mechanism to partner writers who will read and critique each other's entire book -- one that gives some promise of an equal exchange? I'm too close to my work and can't tell if I'm wasting my time. I also like to edit the work of other writers.

Thanks again. I'm going back for a second helping of Course of Mirrors. That author has a good friend and champion in you.
Jeanne

Jeanne -

Rim to Rim - You have a good adventure going here for a clearly defined readership. The details along Amy's escape and her inner dialogue hold my interest. I only read a few chapters so I don't know how the initial two storylines will join. The drugdealer and his mate come in every other chapter but feel distant, not having names. This creates a gap, at least for me. I'm sure you have your reasons, but it might be more powerful to embody and personalise the looming threat. The first paragraph in chapter 2 needs attention ... the sound of the key in the lock was a sigh of relief ... doesn't make sense. I couldn't resist re-crafting that first sentence in this para ... I felt abondoned, though I was abondoning - the big house, the problems, the tensions, John's world ... Ignore me, I sometimes can't help it :) And thank you for your support of CoM. Pia

Jeanne -

Rim to Rim - You have a good adventure going here for a clearly defined readership. The details along Amy's escape and her inner dialogue hold my interest. I only read a few chapters so I don't know how the initial two storylines will join. The drugdealer and his mate come in every other chapter but feel distant, not having names. This creates a gap, at least for me. I'm sure you have your reasons, but it might be more powerful to embody and personalise the looming threat. The first paragraph in chapter 2 needs attention ... the sound of the key in the lock was a sigh of relief ... doesn't make sense. I couldn't resist re-crafting that first sentence in this para ... I felt abondoned, though I was abondoning - the big house, the problems, the tensions, John's world ... Ignore me, I sometimes can't help it :) And thank you for your support of CoM. Pia

Dear Jeanne, I love your pitch of Amy's determination to backpack hike the trail across the Grand Canyon & that Sarah went with her :) - most exciting is that Amy met Ranger Robert Hansen & romance is added to the excitement :) - but the murderous drug dealer is suspenseful. :) Your tight dialogue & paragraphs, not to mention all of the action, moved me right through chapter 12. :) I have always wanted to take the trip down into the Grand Canyon & saved brochures for years & now my kids are grown & have almost grown kids & I still haven't, but I still have the brochures. :) Thank you for sharing your trek & experiences. :) I have read, commented on, & put your book on my watchlist to read & to also at least 24-hour back when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing & at least 24-hour backing moves our books up the authonomy lists :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted & is written arduously my best from my heart. :)

:) I will comment on your book after I have read - read & commented on 2 days later :)