Tristan vs Sarah - Battle in the Gaiasphere

[The New Age of Magic]

Woow. This is actually one of the few stories I read up here that may even stand a chance of getting published. There are a lot of questions, but you answer them slowly but surely. This world sounds and feels real and you do pull me in.

There is nothing I can say that could make this story better, I'm happy to say.

Good luck!

Happy to support after reading two chapters - I love the ramped up action in chapter two; well worth the wait. And the promise of action in the blurb has been delivered with good description.

Edit: This creative YA will spend some time (again) on my February shelf - warning: may contain fudge!

For readers unfamiliar with 'Parkour' aka 'Free Running', take a look at this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KSr1pozm6Y&feature=fvsr

So far have read the first chapter and am hooked! Great pace and really intriguing storyline. A great read!

I'm back and finished chapter 7 -- wonder what's to come -- . I loved comic books when I was a kid -- horrified my parents who thought surely it would turn me into a monster. Who knows? Maybe it did. All I know is reading this I'm back in comic book land. Wow and Whew!

Thanks.

Mona (Mrs. Job)

Oh my! I see why this is climbing in the ratings. I had determined to read first the books of my "friends" and this was next on the list. I'm not sure I can say reading it is pleasure, given the suspense of its content, but ti is a delight to read something so well written and so gripping. I have to stop at chapter 4 tonight, and I have no more room on my bookshelf right now -- wanting to stay dedicated to those I've been supporting and to those rapidly climbing who need help. I hope for now it helps to rate you and watch you.

If I don't get there soon enough, please feel free to remind me to come back and consider backing you when you get closer.

Thanks for a good read -- a little stimulating before bedtime, I suppose, but fun to picture this as an action movie.

Mrs. Job (Mona)

Hey you two - when are you going to upload some more chapters?
Jane (Breath of Africa)

Hey you two - when are you going to upload some more chapters?
Jane (Breath of Africa)

hello Stuart and Victor-
book- The new age of magic--

Read all seven chapters posted and say that this book is a winner in it's genre and deserves it's high ranking.
Children's fantasy adventure at it's very best; and what beautiful prose; as you describe the characters.
And a great bunch of characters they are; which will make great reading for the children and young adults; as we follow Tristan and Sarah into that box and the light and on into the magical world; to meet Doctor Itago and other .
I found it to be a very readable and original story, that makes for a feel good read; different, yes.

good luck with it; and it gets my six stars.

tom bye
-book- from hugs to kisses'
some fantasy in mine, read chapters30-33 and star as you deem fit ; thanks

I was looking for something to read over my lunch break and came across this. I read the first two chapters and found it highly entertaining. It has great characters, a wonderfully descriptive writing style and loads of potential.

My only suggestion would be to shorten or split the long first chapter and perhaps simplify some of the language if this is primarily for children.

All the best with this!

So I am back to take a quick peek at some of your later chapters and to see how the book is doing :) I got some friends to back it and I thank you for the backing :). I am really liking the progress of your story :) It is definitely a book a lot of different people can enjoy. And your dialogue is realistic, which is really nice because I can follow it reasonably. I will see what I can do to get you some more feedback :) Best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

ride ...

freakin

great ...

a ...

is ...

this...

Hello Stuart,
Ch.4
Chapter ends in mid-sentence
Ch.5
“…a stake prong…” = ‘steak’
OK so far, I’m confused as far as time is concerned. Apparently, it is all taking place in London but the when of it is only once spelled out by Sarah who says the year is 2011. Elsewhere the chronology seems to jump back and forward in time without clarification. Missing bits of chapters may explain this.
You have some good ideas and a minimum of mistakes but all the jumping about in time detracts from the flow of the story. For a children’s book, I think you need to simplify your word use a bit.
I hope that you will rate and comment on one or more of my books, especially “Accident” or “Torpedoed”.
Best wishes, Charles Dyer (Mach100)

Hello Stuart,
Ch.3
‘desecrated’ has religious connotations – you used this word in the previous chapter too - ruined or demolished or destroyed might be better
chapter ends prematurely – I think something’s missing
Best wishes, Charles Dyer (Mach100)

Hello Stuart,
Ch.2
“…an implosion of pointed teeth…” – this is very hard to visualise – it means ‘sudden inward collapse’
“…with the postcode she’d just been able to waltz on down…” this doesn’t make any sense to me
Best wishes, Charles Dyer (Mach100)

Hello Stuart,
Ch.1
“…meeting an X-shaped defence.” Maybe better with ‘in’ before ‘an’
Interesting and strange with a minimum of mistakes.
I look forward to reading the next chapter. Just a point of concern – ‘black laser beam’ doesn’t jell for me. Black beam is fine but the inclusion of ‘laser’ is a physical impossibility. I know it’s magic but it needs to be credible within the bounds of at least most laws of physics.
I hope that you will rate and comment on one or more of my books, especially “Accident” or “Torpedoed”.
Best wishes, Charles Dyer (Mach100)

What can i say, is that the best you can do? Then you answered the my quote and what you wrote in your story with more paced discriptive action that i really enjoyed. Nice! All i can say that pitch self explains the book. great job! ps sorry for the late read and as i have been away and busy so i hope my late comment is still excepted

What can i say, is that the best you can do? Then you answered the my quote and what you wrote in your story with more paced discriptive action that i really enjoyed. Nice! All i can say that pitch self explains the book. great job! ps sorry for the late read and as i have been away and busy so i hope my comment is still excepted

You two have something here. . . . A story that can be bought by big time publishers. Why I say this is that they are looking for the next big thing in the children world. And this magical mysterious world you two have created is something special. I did, however, think the chapter was a bit long, but it didn’t seem to bother me as I read because the characters were so interesting and well thought out. Your writing is superb. There are no flaws. I was drawn in though by your writing and your talent to give us readers a clearly defined image, which seems to be really difficult for many writers. I am a visual person so I need to see what is happening for me to like it. Tristan. . . . Great. You knew from the start that there was going to be something special about him. It’s what draws readers in. They want to learn with him. They want to voyage under the carpet and tunnel to the sacred box. We want to feel like we are part of the story and that’s what I felt. I already feel this is going to be very special. I can’t wait to read more (so you know I always stop after chapter 1 and wait until another day to continue reading, no matter how good the story is). 6 stars. You have me intrigued and curious about this world that has trapped his father. It’s not just the ending with the mysterious box, the training, the reason why they always have to leave a place and get rid of everything, but your writing is entertaining. I can’t wait to read more.

The next best thing on magic after Harry Potter series.
Mind blowing !

This is good.
I want to read on, but I shan't - I don't want to get totally sucked in and be even more frustrated by the lack of an ending than I already am!
You've built the suspense nicely, with a good opening which set the scene well.
You go into more detail that I - butterfly brain that I am - tend to skim over, but it's good, very good.
Backed - as soon as I can get to a PC...
Lindsay
http://www.authonomy.com/books/36640/a-priest-s-tale/

You know the old saying, "You only get one chance to make a first impression"?

I just started and wanted to comment before I moved on... I don't know how to clearly state why it read awkwardly for me... I'm just going to take a stab at the opening to illustrate.

"Arrowheads of evergreen trees towered overhead and exposed a small circle of early-morning sky. Deep purples of night and fiery oranges of dawn blended as if painted in perfect watercolour. A deadly silence pervaded the clearing. Two figure, enemies, stood barefoot with only a few paces between them.

The larger figure looked like a kendo warrior or samurai. His ogre-sized frame appered much larger while protected by thick shoulder pads over the billowy sleeves of his blue keikogi. Black eyes peered with intensity through the metal-gridded face mask. Both hands gripped the base of the shinai. The three-foot long bamboo slats of the training sword gleamed with fresh wax.

The smaller challenger shifted his weight, anticipating an attack. Despite the same protective equipment, the young male appeared much more exposed while sporting a white t-shirt and flower-patterened board shorts. The downy hair on his budding forearms and calves stood erect on goosebumps from excitement and the last of the night's gentle wind. Armed with two shorter hanbos, painted shiny black and etched with red Chinese symbols, he was content to let his opponent strike first."


That's just a suggestion. Style is very subjective. I'd love to see you use descriptive terms to paint the scene rather than definitions. No need to shorten the sentences to fragments in the opening paragraph.

I'll keep reading....

Hi guys, I will get around to reading when I've finished at the office. I would like to voice my contempt at your use of the word "ur" in the author bio section. It is the only slang amongst the real English but it flicked a nerve here and there. I hope you will see enough sense to change it ha ha.

Best of luck

HW

Stuart & Victor,

I've had a bit of a read, and I like what I've seen. The opening craftily places the reader somewhere false before bringing them to the truth of the setting, and this subtlety appeals to me. Carrying on, I was pleased to see a good pace kept and the insertion of questions that really add to the story.

In terms of criticism, there isn't much I can offer. I think there are a few places that are a touch too heavily worded and would benefit from the removal of some words to tighten up sentences. Adjectives in particular are occasionally found where they're not really needed. This is just being picky though, and I find myself asking if your work deserves backing. The answer? Yes I think it does.

D M Sharples.

I'm getting drawn more and more into your story. I've read three chapters, but will try to read more soon! Your action scenes are well paced and well described, and the concepts you have introduced are great; I think kids will really love the world you have created.

Some minor issues I have found: I find it hard to believe in some of your relationships, especially between Tristan and his dad. Their dynamic confuses me - Tristan doesn't seem the type to be obedient, he feels more rebellious, and I don't quite believe or understand how he put up with his dad's secrets and rules for so long. He doesn't seem the type of character that would follow his dad's lead with no answers. So you either need to change that aspect of his personality, or find some motivation or reason why he snaps, and decides he wants to rebel.

The third chapter, the one introducing Sarah, is not always easy to follow - I think you really need to tell the reader exactly what is happening step by step, because sometimes I got a bit lost as to where, when and what Sarah was doing.

Also, the bit where she jumps into the future is great when Tristan starts explaining everything, but there is just a bit too much of a gap between her jump to the future and her getting an explanation, so that part in between is not easy to follow. I like all the clues and hints about what is going to happen in that part, but maybe just condense it so the reader isn't lost for so long?

Hope to read more soon!

Georgi

Having, sometimes, the mind of a child I think the kids will love it - by that I mean anyone between 5 and 85 - when it's finished. I assume that it will be illustrated, but I'm no expert here. .

I thought I was getting ready to read a ninja story and was worried for just a moment but then I was pleasantly surprised to find it was present day and they were in their own yard. Awesome! I read the first chapter and found it riveting. Your writing style is very sound but unique as well. Good stuff!!! 6 stars!
Good Luck!
Erin Jacobs
Earth Angels

Stuart and Victor,

It's taken me awhile to get to your book, but I've finally had a chance to go through a good portion. It almost makes me wish I had a co-writer, thinking two viewpoints make for interesting plot building.


In the first chapter you get into the action with the fight, which makes the reader compelled to read on wanting to know more. At first the character doesn’t seem to understand rules but it sets up what is expected and I suppose designed specifically for its genre of the male Y/A. I like that it centers on magic, something that draws the curious and is fast paced. I like that the wording and slang giving the reader a vision of the characters. The twists kept me turning the pages. Some areas were a bit of a challenge for me, where I expected or would of liked more emotion or thoughts, but I don’t normally read this genre. The many characters at first confused, but the more I got into it the more intrigued I was. The descriptions are wonderful in helping the reader and the dialogue also pulls the reader along. Overall I can see this doing very well in it’s audience, the writing is clear and conveys the story well.

Good luck you’re almost at the top!

Hope to hear your thoughts on my work,
Wendy
“And When”

Great opening! You instantly grab the reader's attention with your opening fight between father and son. Your writing flows well and you have a great talent for translating your thoughts into words. I will be back to read more.
luckyfish09

Im loving the flow and pace of this book. Its pulling me in and i cant stop reading lol accept when i have to sleep :) i cant wait to read more and when my book shelf frees up ill be happily putting it up. The prose is very good and i have nothing bad to say about the plot at this point!

Xx
S-j

I think you have an excellent premise here. Some of your imagery is fantastic. There was some ocassional overwriting in my view but it was rare and can be easily fixed (if indeed the opinion is shared).

I really like this and have given it all the stars it deserves!

Best of luck with it!

Laura
Beneath The Blossom Tree

Well this is certainly different. But you do a good job of drawing the reader into a world of difference. I have to admit that as I start chapter two I am struggling to decide if the suspense is wonderful or if I am simply getting frustrated that I still have no clue what is going on. Your writing is clean and crisp. Very readable but I do wonder if the story unfolding slowly but surely approach isn’t just slightly too slow. Will read a little more though as I am now very curious about just what heck is going on.
Best of luck to both of you with this,
Janny

Backed! I Enjoyed the story.

I enjoyed this so much that even reading it on my computer screen, I forgot where I was and why I was reading. I was completely absorbed into the world you have created. Thoroughly impressive. Six stars straight away and I don't think I'll be able to stop myself returning for more, despite having far too much to do already...

Wishing you all the very best.

Ruth.

This is intreasting. It has sort of a idea of adventure but it just flirts with it because I am not exactly sure where you are going. I liked the combat scene, but I feel like I am mostly in the dark about his personal agenda and his mysterious life. I don't know how in the dark the character is though, he acts kind of oblvious to why his father is placing rules upon him, but being the age he is and how long he has been taking orders from his father I figure he would have some idea of what is going on, unless the entire universe that you are writting about is in on this, and every kid is treated so strictly? That part I was unsure about. But otherwise it was good. I am looking forward to hear what you think about my book. I have been playing around with the beginning so bare with me, if it starts a little dry. Have a good afternoon.

THE NEW AGE OF MAGIC
Stuart Wilson & Victor Ebuwa

Gentlemen:

I am very delighted to back your wonderful story. You guys really know how to write and make the scenes come alive right from the beginning.

Why shouldn't we believe in magic? It's one of the few things left to us in this world that has torn apart all that lies shadowed by mystery, intrigue and dreams of fantasy. You are writing for children and young adults. I am so pleased to see the joy, from story books, I gathered to my mind as a child breathe again in your writing.

You listed The New Age of Magic as incomplete. Screaming for more indeed! Have you actually finished the novel? Are there sequels coming? Given your remarkable talent for telling magical stories, I certainly hope so.

Thank you for asking me to give you a boost toward the editor's desk. You deserve that in abundance. Stars given too. I believe your book should soar like a comet among the constellations of novels in this genre. Congratulations and best of luck to you.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck
A King in Time

Half way through chapter two. I want to know what the heck is going on, and the fight at the start between Tristan and his dad is the first fight scene I've read on authonomy so far, and it was rather good so...backed. The writing is good quality too. Look forward to reading more.

S Carter

http://www.authonomy.com/books/34595/domus-inter/

[The New Age of Magic]

Woow. This is actually one of the few stories I read up here that may even stand a chance of getting published. There are a lot of questions, but you answer them slowly but surely. This world sounds and feels real and you do pull me in.

There is nothing I can say that could make this story better, I'm happy to say.

Good luck!

You asked me to read your book, so here I am.

I've read three chapters so far, and I have to say I'm enjoying it. I like your plot, you've got great description, the action is fast-paced without being too overwhelming. I'll be glad to plop this one on my shelf for awhile. Good luck getting to the Ed's desk.

I've only read the first chapter, but I will be coming back to read more. It is very very good. Very well written, perfect pacing, perfect tension and a very good premise. I couldn't find anything wrong with it except that it reminded me very much of I Am Number Four and that i'd have preferred Tristan to be 2 or 3 years older - but then it's a children's/YA book.

I will keep it on my watchlist until I have a space on my shelf and then I'll definitely back it. I'd appreciate it if you'd give mine a read too :) Good luck

I'm back, looking over chapter two.

It's still good, getting swiftly into the action, which is important in Fantasy.

The passage where the creature appears needs some tweaking; not sure how a mouth can be an implosion (I can see how it might be an explosion, just about), and "as though fighting to escape from another world"... by inference, that's exactly what it is doing, so "as though" is superfluous; Tristan of course doesn't know that's what it's doing, so you need a different answer here to that one. Oh, and I'd lose the sound effects, or at least most of them.

Criticisms over; dialogue's good, Malakai's accent comes through with the simple appelation of "mate" here and there; nicely done, accents are tricky, too little and it's not there, too much and it's unintelligible, you've got it pegged nicely. The line "as I slide down the banister of life..." etc is great, a cuss worth remembering for future use in conversation. I'd remove the ellipses and just have him say it straight, though, and, realistically, an Aussie who'd recently been in England would more likely say "arse" than "butt". "Arse" also scans better with the rest of the insult.

I'll be reading on; it's a nice setup so far, fast paced, first chapter giving us the main protagonist and his personal goals, second chapter pitching him into the action and giving him a whole set of much more imminent and unexpected objectives to assimilate. Reminds me of "Wild Blood", which is a little-known werewolf novel, although "Wild Blood" is considerably more explicit and horrific; the similarity in setup and general style makes me hope that you can hold the whole thing together for the big finish; this kind of Fantasy, with the Otherworld intruding into ours, is hard to handle at the climax.

Okay guys, now you really have blown me away. I severely dislike fantasy, sci-fi etc but this just had me hooked. It was raw enough to be believable but also mystical enough tp be exciting. Such a treat to get absorbed into. Occasionally the number of characters in the story confused me, but I love the jump between 2011 and 2015 and how the two stories correlate. Description is spot on, all the onomatopoeic 'booms' etc add tension and break up the text nicely. I want to read more! Sorry this is such a rushed review but wanted to jot something down before I went to work - will comment in more detail later.

In the meantime, hope you take a look at Finding My Feet too. Like your book, I've been told it's young adult with enough oomph to appeal to adults as well. Very different but maybe you'll be surprised, like I was.

A well deserved backing!
Alex
F.M.F.

This is very "slick" - on my shelf!

Not many hold my attention in here. I’m leaving the critique to the professionals. I've always believed storytelling is a talent, like singing you either have it or you don't, and I find this story very intriguing. Job well done, and I wish you both the best. Now I need go to find out what happened to Jessica after that sistra bite.

Hope you two have a great week,
God Bless
Dana P.
FINDING XANADU and THE JOURNEY HOME

Yo I like this it's pretty morish, and very hard to put down. Some of the imagery is really vivid, and I get a mental picture here that I have found lacking in some of the stories that I have read on here.

I could see this as a TV series Buffy and Merlin were both series that used magic and this type of imagery to become highly successful with the young adults of the world.

Not quite my bag personally but that's just me.

Backed and starred I think!

I've read the first three chapters of the book and I'm very impressed. You have a great way of writing descriptions that really set the scene and I'm enjoying your characters. I love the twist at the end of chapter one- it really took me by surprise. I like that in a book. I know you're marketing this as a young adult book, but I think many adults would really enjoy reading it too.

Watchlisted and will be backed :)

Very well written and an unexpected twist when Chapter 1 suddenly turns from what seems a fantasy novel into a down-to-earth father-and-son 'game' - although the fact it is far more than a 'game' is made clear right away. An interesting opening. I'm not so sure about the first two lines, though, especially the 'watercolours'; also, what else but sky would be above these tall trees? Often the hard-crafted descriptions that took so long to sound just right' are the best to cast aside - because they sound contrived. I think it works better if you start the chapter at... 'A deadly silence pervaded the clearing.' You then get into drama immediately with a hook and the question: why? Authorial intrusion is too evident in 'told' descriptions (as opposed to character-observed descriptions), so this is best avoided at the opening - if you want to impress an agent or publisher rather than put them off. Great potential here, though, and I really like the way it gets to a level with which children can then relate. I am backing this book on rotation.
I would welcome your comments on 'Reality Check'. Good luck!

I'm wowed by your description of the scenary and your knoledge about the fighting scenes! :) I did Judo for a few years, but this is way over my head :/
Your pitch grabbed me in and your first chapter was just as good, making me want to read more -- and I dont say that often.
good book x