The Marinski Affair

Dear John,
The jewels attracted me, of course--initially. Then the pitch and the setting. I enjoyed your beginning, but I suspect that it might be too sedate for today's audience, a situation for which I lament. I'm certainly not qualified to suggest a viable restructuring, but, possibly, beginning with something like (about mid-way down in the first chapter): The figure emerged . . . We become intrigued by mystery and conflict here. Now, a little nit. This very figure then quickly ran and then suddenly stopped. I'd omit both adverbs, personally, but one should be scratched for sure--In my humble opnion as a reader. It looks like a lovely story, and I must stop back to read more of these Russian jewels.
Best,
Bea

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A slow start that ultimately becomes captivating. Interesting main characters. Excellent descriptions. Good tension. Slow pacing at the start, but it picks up after the marquee is mentioned.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) 'You either hated it, or you loved it' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
2) 'They were now used as servant's quarters.' Servant's (singular possessibe) should be servants' (plural possessive).
3) My waning interest picked up at the mention of the marquee. Consider starting the story at this point.
4) 'A shadowy figure peered out from the trees' ratcheted up the drama.
5) Just over an hour, he murmured. Since this dialogue is spoken, it should be in quote marks.
6) 'He shuffled passed the waiter.' 'Passed' should be 'past.'
7) Maybe, he murmured, maybe. Put this dialogue in quotes. There are more cases where dialogue is 'murmured' and not put into quotes.
8) 'Hi Dave,' she called out. Comma after 'hi.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases of this type of problem.
9) 'Looking the worse for wear' is cliche.
10) ' ... or was connected with what he was to do in the next few hours, is uncertain.' 'Is' should be 'was' to keep the tense of the sentence consistent.
11) ' ... and the area would be completely deserted.' Consider deleting 'completely.' It's redundant to 'deserted.'
12) 'Could she trust him, she wondered' should be 'Could she trust him? she wondered.'
13) ' ... get away with it absolutely Scott free' is cliche.
14) 'He was beginning to get impatient, edgy' is telling. Consider showing these two important emotions.
15) 'He slowly moved forward' could be 'he inched forward.'

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a splendid day.

Al

John,
I truly love the premise of this story. Okay, I think the presentation (some of the technicalities of the writing) is a jewel in the rough--and not too rough, really, just needs some polishing (sorry, couldn't help but make a reference to jewels). But all of the important ingredients are here with some very nice characteristics to your prose. I cannot reist this book, happy to look past any little imperfections (my book surely has them, too). I have to WL this first, but with intent. And I have to read in snippets as I'm bogged down with my day job. I will happily make comments as I go. I only had time for chapter one this morning but know that I like your book.
Cheers!
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Hi John-Wow! You have written a lot of books! Just backed the Marinski Affair. It sounds like a suspenseful mystery, one of my most favorite genres. Look forward to reading. Dina of 33 and Halo of the Damned.

Dear John, Your 5th book, I will now read & comment on. :) I love the intrigue of the Marinski collection being stolen 4 years earlier who did it & a rich missing husband & the robbery, kidnapping, blackmail, & murder & who can your trust & believe & how does it connect to the jewel robbery 4 years earlier, as you pitch portrays. :) WOW!! :) As I read chapter 1, I find out that the robbery was an inside job & what an exciting chapter, planned to the last detail. :) As I read through chapter 4, I love Kendell's nonchalant attitude & Mollie's plans to marry him someday. :) His regiments exercise program made me laugh & was glad he didn't end up in the hospital. :) Going to his friend Detective Terry at the police department made me smile. :) Kendell is pretty cool. :) It took a couple of hours to read this one & it really drew me in & I liked it best of your 5 books. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. hope you'll put my book on your shelf to help me :)

Hi. I browsed through, that’s all the time I had. I enjoyed it enough to back it. If you would like a specific chapter critiqued, tell me which one and I’ll do my best.
Your comments and backing of my book will be appreciated.
Dan

John - You have a well plotted story and established characters and clearly to are a skilled storyteller.

This seems very much of a first draft. For instance the description of the end of the party has a couple of references to the last bottle etc. Also, the party seems to have ended very early.

I am not sure that your private eye actually has translated from the 1950's golden age for gumshoes to the present day. All the hanging around the office wisecracking with the secretary dates back to the byegone era. When the hoodlums raid Kendall's office they look at all the paper and leave a mess but nowadays it would all be on the PC's hard drive. They would nick that and leave the paper.

Starting with the history of the house does not help move the story along. It is the kind of thing that an author works out in his head so as to make the story consistant but does not need to tell the reader. We want to be given reasons to turn over the first page.

Finally (good I hear you say) I think it would help the readers if you broke-up the long paragraphs. The two line spaces between then do not help either.

I would spend time on all these comments if I did not feel that you have a jewel in the making. As I have not got my own effort in a state where I could upload it, I have no axe to grind.

Good luck

Gus

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it - read & commented on 22 days later :)

Learned a lot from reading your book, not much to say. Backed.

direct and effective writing gives this story great voice and keeps the interest; on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Hi John, came back to finish reading and now I'm waiting for chapter 5. I do like Kendall and particularly the way he reveals his failings via thoughts and adlibs. How Molly hasn't given him a good shake by now, is beyond me....go on girl... Anyway, great story, skillfully told and with subtle humour. Backed with pleasure.
Best wishes
Babs

Thanks for asking me to have a look. I have read only three chapters tonight - all I had time for. The first chapter is intriguing and draws the reader in from the start. Then we switch to Tom Kendel - a well-described private eye. What's interesting about this crime novel is that it doesn't begin like the usual crime story. The huge mysterious house, the grounds, the mystery lady and the criminal. Your descriptions are well-done. One nit - the word story (as in second story) does not have an e, though the plural can be either stories or storeys. I looked this up because I thought it might be a British/American usage thing. I will try to get back to read a couple of your other books. In the meantime, I am backing, and encourage you to keep writing. The main thing, I have found, is to just WRITE and keep on writing. LATER you can go back to edit, revise, change wording, etc. If you stop to do it in the middle, your left brain will take over, while your right and creative brain takes a back seat. WRITE. Plenty of time for revision later - and that includes my little nit (above). As I said, backed with stars.

Patricia West Hays
The Witness Tree

If you have any time at all - when you're not writing - I would appreciate it if you could have a look at my book and rate it as you feel it deserves. Different genre - but it's not fantasy or horror, and there is no swearing. It is not a psychological thriller and I promise there is no mention of satan or the occult. (I agree with your taste - and I like some of your favorite books). Thanks.

John, thanks for inviting me to read your work, and yes you're right I do like a good thriller.
Chapter one, I thought was meticulously set up to snare the reader. Lots of atmosphere and intrigue. As I hadn't read your first book I was pleased to meet Tom Kendall in chapter two. He came over as a likeable MC with a wry sense of humour and you gave just enough information about the previous case, so those who hadn't read book one would be up to speed. His sidekick Molly seemed suitably long suffering and I suspect that their's is a relationship which is a little one sided.
I liked this, found it an easy read, although the paragraphs were a little long, with plenty of twists and turns to look forward to. I have placed on my W/L while I read on. I hope that you decide to post more chapters and wish you well with this.
Babs

Hi Sly
Thanks for the message and your comments. They are very much appreciated. I will certainly keep them in mind.
Best wishes
John

You have a unique and clear 'voice', John, and there's a gentle, dry and slightly wicked humour in your writing. The story has the feel of some of the more traditional detective series, where a cunning plot is the bedrock of the novel. Whatever is going on, it is cunning, especially the meticulous plans of the mysterious woman. The man isn't quite so meticulous, but he pulls off the robbery. They may have gotten away with it, but I suspect he will have to pay, one way or another...

Skilful writing and very clever plotting are the standout qualities here. There are areas where you could improve a bit more (as could we all - some suggestions below) and I'd like to see how your latest work shapes up. Meanwhile, I'll give this a high rating.

Possible nits: If you do revise for further publication, my advice would be to reduce the average paragraph length, which is too long especially for this genre and for online reading - it's particularly important that there is a paragraph break wherever there is a change of speaker.

Things to check for in your writing in general: Instances of 'look / looked / looking' in close proximity (alternatives include: appearance / expression / seem / studied / watched / glancing, etc). Watch out for the occasional series of sentences beginning with the same word, e.g. 'He'.

The marinski affair
It's engaging to read, but ch 1 is far too long, I think you need to devide it in two or three chapters, but I'll back it anyway
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)