Riptide

Riptide

Firstly let me record that I am certainly not an expert on this age group.

Short Pitch: This has exactly the right kind of appeal for the target audience. Technically I would shorten the second sentence to increase the punch. So maybe: ‘Is she really so ordinary?’

Long Pitch: There is a great idea here. Straight away we get the idea that ‘something’, possibly spooky, is associated with water. The general skin complaint bit is better than the chlorine allergy part, mainly because it’s just vague enough to get away with and more or less believable. You cheat a little bit with this pitch. I’m not much use at pitches but they are really just selling things, selling the story to readers. You use yours as a sort of prologue. The problem with that is simply that what it says on the cover doesn’t really carry on into the book. Maybe you could put a paragraph at the beginning, before chapter one. Also there is a repeat error in this pitch at the end.

C1: I noticed as I read this otherwise convincing dialogue that you have a tendency to include additional words that are simply best left out. For example, in the sentence …and I tried very hard to shake off my guilt at feeling happy. You just don’t need that first ‘I’, it reads straight on from the first part of the sentence. Apart from such little things the entire chapter read very convincingly and easily.

C2: OK I feel the story developing well through this chapter.
C3: and ditto this as well. It reads really easily, more importantly it urges the reader on, a reader who, by the end of this chapter, is starting to want to get to the main event – clearly some sort of major spooky water related incident.

Overall I think this works fine. I would guess that its target audience would relate easily to the setting and concerns you portray. Probably you need a proof read. I noted a few wrong words here and there: ‘than’ instead of ‘there’ or similar.

Amerynthe,
I went through to chapter five of your book and enjoyed the character development, the little internal conflicts Lori had to endure and her inevitable confrontation with her fear of water/chlorine. "Riptide" tugged at the heartstrings delving into the hopes and fears of a young girl plodding through life with a father recently deceased and a mother grieving. Thank you so much for the compelling read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi, I finally managed to get time to look at your book. Sorry it took a few days. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered:()

Chapter 1: Good kid's dialogue in the intro. It sounds genuine + really fits a kid's mindset. :)

I've a tiny suggestion, though. I'd generally avoid filtering constructions such as thought/felt/saw etc wherever possible. eg in "I must be a really horrible person, I thought." by telling the reader of the thinking, you take them outside of the character. If, instead, you wrote something like "I sighed. I must be a really horrible person." the reader can share the character's thoughts direct.

Reading on...I feel sorry for Lori. Sounds like she's been through a lot, and yet she still thinks of her mother before herself. V unusual for a child. She must be especially sensitive.

Then she gets out, and actually feels happy, but berates herself for the sensation. I'm impressed by the amount she cares.

I've a tiny suggestion with dialogue. I think it reads better if you don't explain it so much. eg in "... "Had a good summer?" The bus driver smiled at me and then, remembering, his smile faded..." you're telling the reader the bus driver's remembering-> his smile fading. It's unnecessary. I think the reader can easily infer the reason for the smile fading. I actually think it's a mistake to spoonfeed a reader too much. I think giving them just enough and letting them draw their own conclusions involves them in the story more.

Reading on... Believable reaction from her friends at the back of the bus. I guess they really wouldn't have a clue how to deal with such a situation. Ah and then we meet what appears to be a new boy. This could be interesting, as he's likely to have no idea of Lori's recent loss.

By the way, I like the way you cover the loss of the dad without explicitly stating he's dead or ran away. I think it draws the reader into the story more effectively.

1 suggestion. I think your writing could be even more vivid if you could find ways to show more and tell less. eg in "He looked disappointed." you're telling the reader a conclusion. I think if you wrote something like "His lips turned down." the reader could infer the boy's emotion from the evidence and draw their own concusion. I think such a technique can help involve the reader in the story more. :)

Reading on... I like the interaction with Jojo. gossipy and believable. Sad coincidence that Romeo and Juliet's the work they discuss in class. I doubt Lori wants to think about love and loss right now. :(

I like her interaction with Matt after the tree accident. It lightens the tone. Optimistic chapter ending, but I suspect things won't esactly be plain sailing in the future.

Chapter 2: Oh this is interesting. She's allergic to chlorine. Hmmm that's an odd 1. I'm wondering... is there something dtrange going on here? Bitch of a teacher, not believing her grrrr.

Then she meets Matt yet again. the fates really are throwing these 2 together, aren't they? I suspect romance is on the cards. Again, I like the banter and needling between them :).

Hmmm I'm getting more suspicious when she says she's allergic to water. I'm not sure how long anybody could survive if they were allergic to water. I think there's definitely another reason she can't go into water. Hmmm and they're near the sea, and her dad got sick. I wonder, was her dad some sort of supernatural sea creature? a sort of merman? That could explain why he got sick, living on land. + it could explain why her mum never lets her in the water. Maybe it will in some way transform Lori. then again, maybe I'm just reading far too much into this. :)

Nope, I think I'm right. The mum's reaction is suspicious.

I just read through the rest of your uploaded book, hunting for the moment when Lori goes in the water, but I couldn't find it. Damn it, I want to see what happens! :)

I think you've a v interesting story here, and you do a great job of drawing ou the tension by dropping hints, but holding back on the payoff. Lori's a sympathetic character. I feel sorry for her loss and sympathise with her difficult situation. And there are enough hints of mystery to come that I'd happily read on to see what happens if more was uploaded. :)

I've rated your book v highly, and hope you find an agent/publisher soon. :)

Best of luck,

Pete x

Hi, Amerynthe. Read the first 2 chapters. Nicely written. After reading the pitch, what is going on so far keeps me hanging on, anxious to get to the boat part. The only thing I can see is, it might be good to put a version of the pitch at the very beginning of the story. Just my opinion. Oh, one other thing; this sentence didn't seem to be complete - "One of the girls in my class said about your dad." - Anyway, I like your style, very easy to read and visualize. I'll back it. Best of luck

I had time to read your first chapter, and thought this was very nicely written. Your main two characters were lovely. Lori's inner voice was well done, smooth, and fitted her age just right. You also portrayed her grief well, subtly, where just one off the cuff remark set her off (the Romeo and Juliet part). I also liked how you managed to get Lori's and Matt's ages in without it feeling contrived, and also in one hit described her in relation to her age: her looking smaller than what a 16-year-old would. In relation to Matt, I liked his full name. It brought out a smile.

Matt is a really likeable character: his chattiness, description, and the falling out of the tree. Lori also. I think you've created two characters that teens can relate to well.

In relation to your sentence structure: it ran very smoothly with nothing pulling me up. I didn't notice any typos, and it came across as a highly polished piece. I also liked your dialogue. It flowed well, the language used fiting the age group you're writing for.

Well done. All the best - Marita.

I think you've got an awesome premise here. The pitch grabbed me and I've been looking forward to this as it's been on my WL a few days. I love the idea and Lorri is an interesting character. I like how we learn it with her, it gives the reader the opportunity to discover what she is with her, even though we have an idea. The voice and writing is good, especially for this genre, it's easy to read and pulls the reader along. And it's different. I can't think of any other books out right now about a mermaid, I think it could be marketable in the sense that teen girls grew up watching the Little Mermaid and would love this. My problem is that I get too busy reading and never seem to critique that much, nothing tripped me up or stood out. I liked this and would have read on! Good luck, I think this book deserves to be seen. It's got a magical feel to it or maybe that's just what comes to mind when I think of mermaids!

Missy
I'll shelve this over the weekend!

RIPTIDE- An interesting premise. Your tag sort of gives away what Lorri turns out to be, but I sort of guessed it from the way her mother reacted when she was in the shower. I am not sure how Matt and his family fit into Lorri’s past, but I am assuming Morgan’s mother is relevant to the unfolding plot. I found the opening chapters easy to read and generally entertaining. I don’t think I can offer much crit as I don’t write for the YA audience, but I think you have an interesting idea and Lorri is a character who is easy to like and root for. Good luck.

This is brimming with possibilities, and I think you've hit the level absolutely right. Teenagers are very quick to spot when people are trying too hard, and I think they will love this.