The Watchers

Chapter 1:

-- “They said the attack appeared premeditated. He went to the man’s house, stabbed him and then just sat on the doorstep waiting to be arrested!’
‘Jesus! But why?” – sure, “Jesus! But why?” an very appropriate quest to be asked.

-- “Mike felt like throwing his arms around her and hugging her tight, but stayed put on the edge of the sofa, fighting the impulse,” – nicely put

“He walked on, head-down, as his attention turned deeper inward, rolling back the years and trawling up memories of laughter and tears shared with John,” – recounted well.

For fiction works, I usually look for good constructions that charms a reader and there good number of them in your work.

enjoyed reading and added to my watchlist to read at a later date. wondered if you would peek at my book and give me some feedback r/t us being in similiar genres. thanks.
kendra ziems/autumn lullaby

Have now read first chapter. Mike the main character has not really made an impression on me.The writing is good and it moves fast. Will try more later, its still on my WL. Good luck . Sandy.

your narrative and dialogue stick out here, helping you to tell your story...this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Many thanks for the comments, Rand. There are probably many spelling errors in the book and many more punctuation errors - I seem to have a problem with both . Thanks again, your comments are much appreciated. All the best, Gnostic

This is an exciting read, and I'll be back for more!

Chapter one wastes no time delving into the story. You convey the characters' emotions well and the reader can feel their distress. And you keep the cause of John's sudden illness shrouded in mystery, which adds a good bit of suspense. And when Zoe invokes the title of the story when describing the phone call she received, well, that adds even more.

It seemed slightly abrupt when Mike decided to go to the store and get a drink. Maybe Zoe should have been shone calming down a bit more first?

You use a lot of hyphens at the start. Hyphens make me pause more than commas do, and I think commas would server better in most places you used hyphens. But after the first few paragraphs you seemed to stop using them so heavily, which is good.

Found a typo for ya! You say “surly” instead of “surely” near the end of chapter 1.

Well, overall, the first chapter entirely held my interest, and I'm very interested in finding out what's in John's journal.

Typo in chapter 2: near the start you say “completion” instead of “complexion”.

The mural was a very good plot device. This guy obviously was disturbed somehow. And I'm starting to get the vibe that Mike might have alcohol problems. And it looks like Mike and Zoe might be setting up for a romance. So it looks like the story is getting deeper and deeper.

There might be nothing you can do about this, but it looks like the font of your story is grey? It makes it kind of hard to read.

+watchlist
+backing

This is an exciting read, and I'll be back for more!

Chapter one wastes no time delving into the story. You convey the characters' emotions well and the reader can feel their distress. And you keep the cause of John's sudden illness shrouded in mystery, which adds a good bit of suspense. And when Zoe invokes the title of the story when describing the phone call she received, well, that adds even more.

It seemed slightly abrupt when Mike decided to go to the store and get a drink. Maybe Zoe should have been shone calming down a bit more first?

You use a lot of hyphens at the start. Hyphens make me pause more than commas do, and I think commas would server better in most places you used hyphens. But after the first few paragraphs you seemed to stop using them so heavily, which is good.

Found a typo for ya! You say “surly” instead of “surely” near the end of chapter 1.

Well, overall, the first chapter entirely held my interest, and I'm very interested in finding out what's in John's journal.

Typo in chapter 2: near the start you say “completion” instead of “complexion”.

The mural was a very good plot device. This guy obviously was disturbed somehow. And I'm starting to get the vibe that Mike might have alcohol problems. And it looks like Mike and Zoe might be setting up for a romance. So it looks like the story is getting deeper and deeper.

There might be nothing you can do about this, but it looks like the font of your story is grey? It makes it kind of hard to read.

+watchlist
+backing

I looked at your prologue and liked the idea for the story.Have added your book to my watch list and will return later.Could you perhaps spare the time to have a look at "When the Earth Moved".If you like the story I would appreciate any comments or feedback. Backing would be a bonus.I will return all backing. Thank you in advance for your support. Sandy

thanks ever so much for the backing ...take a look at your second sentence try adding in Hr stolled as i find it takes away from the story if i can't get past the first paragraph..

I saw by your profile that you are Gnostic (both in name and spirtuality). I have to admit that I didn't know what that was and had to look it up. But from what I have read so far of your work, I can see that there is a strong spiritual aspect and that appeals to a wide range of readers.

I like your story so I wish to offer some personal observations for your consideration. Please use what you can and discard the rest.

As I read the beginning, I kept wondering about the main character (at least so far) Mike. We learn some things about him, but I did not feel "invested" in him. I think it is important to be able to connect to characters right away, even if unlikable, and Mike came across as being 2 dimensional.

There were some parts within the story that were repeated (literally). A read through to review for these kinds of blatant errors should easily identify them. Also, I think your story would really benefit from having a review by a professional editor because at some points, there is redundancy and at other points the language is "clunky" and mechanical.

As for the english voicing, I am an American and I did not have any trouble comprehending the subtle nuances in diction.

I hope that helps. Thank you for creating such an interesting story and may God bless you.

Sincerely,
D.S. Gibson

AS PROMISED this is now on our shelf!!

have 6 starred this to show intent and have added to our WL which means you WILL make our shelf in the next round of backings (its 11pm for us). Feel free to chase if at any time n will let u know exactly how long. Good luck with it!

Hi Laith. Many thanks for the feedback . Much appreciated.

A British voice has the advantage of coming across as quite literary to an American reader, but you will need to iron out some the terminology.' Commercial' instead of 'advertisement',' cab' or 'taxicab' instead of 'taxi' etc. You also need to ask yourself if the story is improved by relocating it to the US, as the job of making the story come across as authentically American is probably a bigger task than you might realize. However, it might be worth doing as Americanisms increasingly infiltrate British English. British novels even from the 60s now come across as rather antiquated to many an English reader.

If you wish to continue writing in the American idiom, I would suggest submerging yourself in Americana. Read only American novels. Watch only American films. Take notes of Americanisms. I would also suggest you buy the book 'The American Language' by H. L. Mencken, which I'm sure you'll find invaluable, as it highlights the differences between US and British English. It should be available on line.

Laith

Many thanks, Dan. I will have a look at your book as soon as I get the chance. I had a quick look and like what I read.

Hi. I browsed through your book and have enjoyed it enough to back it. I will try to return, when I have more time, and will do a more in depth commentary.
Could you please take a look at mine?
Dan

A British voice has the advantage of coming across as quite literary to an American reader, but you will need to iron out some the terminology.' Commercial' instead of 'advertisement',' cab' or 'taxicab' instead of 'taxi' etc. You also need to ask yourself if the story is improved by relocating it to the US, as the job of making the story come across as authentically American is probably a bigger task than you might realize. However, it might be worth doing as Americanisms increasingly infiltrate British English. British novels even from the 60s now come across as rather antiquated to many an English reader.

If you wish to continue writing in the American idiom, I would suggest submerging yourself in Americana. Read only American novels. Watch only American films. Take notes of Americanisms. I would also suggest you buy the book 'The American Language' by H. L. Mencken, which I'm sure you'll find invaluable, as it highlights the differences between US and British English. It should be available on line.

Laith

I've placed 'The Watchers' on my watchlist. Comments to come soon.

Laith (A Picture of Eva Braun / The Watchers).

I originally set the story in Wales, but decided to redraft and set it in Massachusetts … so the odd ‘English, English’ word or spelling may have escaped my scrutiny. Also, I am aware that in places the punctuation may be a bit dodgy … I’m working on it.