Left At The Crooked Pine

Hi Jules.

I love the idea of a historical romance..! One of my fav books is Pride & Prejudice, in fact, and I've read it so many times, I've almost by-hearted it!

The writing is smooth, the POV shifts are beautifully done, giving us an insight of the hero's mind and the heroine's mind in the same scene. I loved that! I also love that you've inserted a big brother in the scene; it adds a kind of belonging to the heroine, and makes the book wholesome in a way..
I like the word 'flower', and how you've used it, not the same old endearments used in other stories.
I like how you've woven the plot, the characters' introduction and how you quickly got to business and brought the main characters together. That's what people reading romance want to read!

There were some other things I've noted which I've written about in a message..

All in all, it is a wonderful read! Good luck!
Poorwa Y. Kamat-Tarkar
The Sign of The Maya

The hook of the young girl Bianca longing for romance and adventure perhaps by encountering the local highwayman is a good one. A period romance quickly follows - perhaps too quickly but the emotions of the characters and their actions are consistent. The first encounter is mildly erotic and this particular thread is handled very delicately. The revelation at the end of chapter six is a fine surprise and perhaps there are more to come. I wondered about the choice of Bianca, an italian name, for the MC. Perhaps Blanche would have been more appropriate. I agree with other comments about the period feel and language. We need more of the art, flamboyance and formal manners of the period. A lot of the dialogue is too modern. There is a hint early on with the spoken word 'it's'. Jane Austen started with 'It is a truth universally...' and it is also a truth that they did not abbreviate their speech as much as we do now. Phrases such as 'driving me up the wall' and 'she starts next week' are out of place. Also adrenaline wasn't discovered and isolated by Takamine until around 1900 and no one would have known of it around this period However I enjoyed this and if you are prepared to get more period feel and dialogue to add to the storyline I think it would be even more succesful here.

This is a very romantic book, not my type of read, but it will go down well with the ladies.
It has all the ingredients, love, romance and danger.
You have written it well and created some lovely scenes as you've gone along.
You certainly have the makings of being a good author.
I intend to get my other half to read this, she'll love it, I know she will.
From my point of view, this is a very good book and I wish you well with it.
Pleased to star rate it. Well done!!

Kind regards,

Neville.The Secrets of the Forest - The Time Zone

You've done a wonderful job with this, I was drawn in from the beginning and it only got better from there. I like your writing style very much, it flows well and does a nice job of complimenting the time you've set this in. Everything is set up quickly but I didn't feel like I was missing anything because of that, it's a nice balance. This is what I look for when I want a nice historical romance, it's just got a cozy feel to it. I'd definitely want to read on. The only thing I'd suggest is the POV switches, but I see you've got some great suggestions about those below, I did the same things at first!

Nice book though, I know a lot of women who would enjoy this, including my mom. I've starred you and wish I could leave you up a little longer..maybe next month!
Missy

After reading the first two chapters, I have a question. Are the two ladies sisters? Also when the POV changes you should start a new paragraph. There is one in ch 2 where Bianca is thinking that his eyes are as hard as emeralds, then in the same paragraph the highway man starts thinking about the color of her dress. I had to re read that one.
While I like what you have so far and will continue to read, a little more excitement when he pulls over her carrage would have been better. After all she is being robbed and she's calm? My heart would be trying to escape my ribs!

But remember, this is only my opinion.

Melissa

Chapter ten is well crafted and speaks to us in such a unique way that it's as if your seated with the church. Tarrant

This is indeed a splendid piece of literature! I like the concept you injected in your story. Backed with pleasure :)

'...he would kiss her and properly not stop there.'

Do you mean, '...he would kiss her and probably not stop there.'?

There are quite a few discrepancies, as when Bianca is first trailing him and commenting on how good he is, except, if he were so good, she would not have seen his clear trail. She supposedly knows little about tracking, and says so, and yet she can tell where he has erased the marks and where he is likely to have gone from there. The facts of the story do not jive with the thoughts and emotions. Confused and confusing.

Inappropriate is a modern word. Bianca would be shocked by Mitchell's thoughts and consider them forward and beastly. The story is interesting, but the disconnect between the time period and the language make it difficult to suspend disbelief or believe wholeheartedly in the characters. Bianca's family will have missed her and if she is gone a week will comb the surrounding countryside, including where the carriage was held up, with men who are better trackers and will quickly find Bianca and the highway man, which brings me to another point: consistency. high way man, highway man, highwayman. Pick one and stick to it, although I would suggest highwayman, which is in keeping with the time period.

Several words are misused, their meanings mistaken, and there are huge paragraphs that need to be broken down into smaller bits, especially when the subject of said paragraph or the tenses change. Tenses are misused and editing is a must.

This is a good start and I'm sure you will finish it, but the mechanics, grammar, punctuation, language and word choice need to be cleaned up.

Best wishes,

JMC

Dear Jules, Chapter 9 is even more enchanting & Bianca's dream, kissing Mitchell was great & I'm so happy she didn't have any nightmares again. :) Beautiful story. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. could you please back my book & help me to the editor's desk? :) I am #9 & need to be in the top 5 by the end of December. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :)

The hook of the young girl Bianca longing for romance and adventure perhaps by encountering the local highwayman is a good one. A period romance quickly follows - perhaps too quickly but the emotions of the characters and their actions are consistent. The first encounter is mildly erotic and this particular thread is handled very delicately. The revelation at the end of chapter six is a fine surprise and perhaps there are more to come. I wondered about the choice of Bianca, an italian name, for the MC. Perhaps Blanche would have been more appropriate. I agree with other comments about the period feel and language. We need more of the art, flamboyance and formal manners of the period. A lot of the dialogue is too modern. There is a hint early on with the spoken word 'it's'. Jane Austen started with 'It is a truth universally...' and it is also a truth that they did not abbreviate their speech as much as we do now. Phrases such as 'driving me up the wall' and 'she starts next week' are out of place. Also adrenaline wasn't discovered and isolated by Takamine until around 1900 and no one would have known of it around this period However I enjoyed this and if you are prepared to get more period feel and dialogue to add to the storyline I think it would be even more succesful here.

It's best to begin with the basics. Never use italics as the main font. Italics are used for emphasis, inner monologue and foreign words. Grammar, punctuation and sentence construction all need work. A good book on grammar will help, as will read the work aloud to hear where commas, etc. go.

I was confused by the modern dialogue and colloquialisms if this was indeed a Regency novel. It's not clear at first and there is little to show the period in which the story takes place until the carriage is ordered. That will prove to be a problem. Aside from the confusion of time periods and modern dialogue, the story is interesting, if not all that unique. Young girl up from the country and approaching womanhood falls in love with dark stranger and problems follow. Not all that unique. However, there is something here in the relationship between the characters that is realistic and not at all cardboard. These people have depth and complexity.

I was not on the highwayman's side since he seems more interested in gold than anything else and there is no darker mystery surrounding his life of crime except for his greed for the shiny stuff. I did only read the first two chapters and part of the third and eighth, so that may be something I missed.

There is also a tendency to continue sentences past when the point is made, as though you found it difficult to stop or felt more was better. Not so in this case. For instance: 'How dare you stop us you scoundrel!' It's obvious the driver thinks he's a scoundrel and it's not necessary to add it. If, however, you leave the sentence as is, add a comma before 'you scoundrel' as the scoundrel is being directly addressed. 'How dare you stop us, you scoundrel!'

Clean up the grammar and punctuation. Use a basic font (Roman or New Courier are preferred). Get into the period with speech patterns and sentences that make the time more evident or state the period right up front. There is some good writing here and an interesting take on an old formula plot. It just needs work and polishing.

JMC
Among Women

Dear Jules, I love the intrigue of Bianca meeting the highway man & keeping a relationship with him after he's come into their house to rob them, as your pitch portrays. :) For your whole introduction & 8 chapters, I smiled all of the way through of Bianca's adventure/plight & kept picturing Mitchell as the Prince in "Enchanted" movie :) - it was like I was reading a fairy tale with the way he talked & all of Bianca's responses & kindness. :) What a wonderful story :) "He had to keep her safe; no matter what" was a most wonderful ending. :) I do hope you will write a lot more books. :) I have now read & commented on & put your book on my watchlist to back more than 24 hours when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing & more-than-24-hours backing moves our books up authonomy's lists :)

Hi Jules.

I love the idea of a historical romance..! One of my fav books is Pride & Prejudice, in fact, and I've read it so many times, I've almost by-hearted it!

The writing is smooth, the POV shifts are beautifully done, giving us an insight of the hero's mind and the heroine's mind in the same scene. I loved that! I also love that you've inserted a big brother in the scene; it adds a kind of belonging to the heroine, and makes the book wholesome in a way..
I like the word 'flower', and how you've used it, not the same old endearments used in other stories.
I like how you've woven the plot, the characters' introduction and how you quickly got to business and brought the main characters together. That's what people reading romance want to read!

There were some other things I've noted which I've written about in a message..

All in all, it is a wonderful read! Good luck!
Poorwa Y. Kamat-Tarkar
The Sign of The Maya

I love the style of your writing. It has wonderful flow. I only read 2 chapters but can see that this is promising. The relationship between the two main characters are very romantic and will be a treat for romance novel fans. Sadly, I am not one of those but I will repeat that your style of writing is very elegant. Best of luck. I'll leave it in my WL for a backing once I have space available.

Asma
The Therions

Dear Jules, I started reading your Opus and my first reaction is mhhhhhhhhh.......

I assume that since you only posted a couple of chapters, you are interested in a critique of the style, so I will limit myself to that.

I have read at least half a dozen period pieces here (feel free to go through my comment section) and this is well ...different. Why? Cause is written in modern style: the phase is fast, the absence of description is Camus-like, the dialogue straight to the point..... is like driving a Ferrari...rather than a carriage.

Now, that doesn't mean is wrong. Here is the reason: when Pinter (that is, Harold Pinter) was asked to write the screenplay of the French Liutenant's Wife, he said "Only if I write it in Pintersque style" . If you watch the movie, the dialogue is short and fast, the scene cutouts do not languish there for eternity, and the emotional embroidery is ...well...cool.... rather than romantic.

The result is a juxtaposition of styles that gives the narrative a surrealist quality (i.e. you are neither there nor here) that is well....worthy of an Oscar

So there is a precedent.

Having said that, is a long climb to get there....

Hope it helps.

david

Regency Romances are my secret -no longer! :( - vice. Good,s olid storytelling with a perky heroine and a mysterious highwayman. Bliss.

Does the title refer to "turning left at the crooked pine" as though embarking on a journey or being "abandoned at the crooked pine"? The word "left" is ambiguous in the title although it IS a pretty title.

it refers to turning left at the crooked pine, this become clear in chapter 3 and hopefully its pretty too because i want it to attract people not confuse them :D jules x

Does the title refer to "turning left at the crooked pine" as though embarking on a journey or being "abandoned at the crooked pine"? The word "left" is ambiguous in the title although it IS a pretty title.

This historical romance reminds me of the 1970’s wave of clean, good romance paperbacks. (For a period of time I used to collect them, actually).

The story was fun and had a lot of action. The reader can get into the romantic tension while still enjoying a PG-13 book. I would even suggest that you could try to sell it for an older YA audience. I want to read the rest! Great job, keep up the excellent work. I love your protagonists.

This is definitely going on my watchlist. Rated very high.

-Judith B. Shields
[Twice Reborn]

Left at the crooked pine-
Love everything about this - the plot, and the characters which you have shaped and developed to a beautiful extent. Your writing flows very well and you show clear talent in this wonderful piece of writing.
backed with absolute pleasure - hope this goes far for you
abi

In reply to your interest in comments, the first impression of the work might be improved with a cover treatment appropriate to the storyline. Even a hand-drawn coach or wheel would suggest contents and draw readers. The childrens' play on words with "High man" is a great anchor for the storyline. In Chapter 3, a few paragraphs (#8 and a few more) are very lengthy. The chosen font of italics is different, but the capability of using italics to convey, for example, thoughts of the main character is unavailable due to this choice of fonts for the entire work. The writing is smooth and beautifully expressive. Good luck and still on my bookshelf. Chuck

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it :)

you've techincally already commented but thank you :D and yay!

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it - read & commented on 1 day later :)