Future Crime

I have read enough to see that this is strong writing. You have constructed your future with plenty of detail and blended actions and attitudes with a sure hand. The detail of the chicken recalls the monstrous Chicken Little in Pohl and Kornbluth's great midcentury novel The Space Merchants, but I'm guessing you arrived at it independently.

Here and there I noticed a missing comma or a pair of commas, especially when dealing with names used in direct address. Example: going down to the vault: "We're nearly there Inspector." And a little earlier I spotted a semicolon where a comma should have been. But overall the grammatical and mechanical structures are very well handled. I can see why a careful reader and brilliant writer like Marj McRae recommended this to the Stampman's Orphans--a group you might well be interested in joining once you've got fully established here on Authonomy.

Shelved.

Bill

There was no future in crime.
Great opening sentence. Very clever. If only more books began with a hook like that ...
This isn't the sort of thing I'd normally read, but then I'm not very experimental when it comes to trying different genres, and so I'm not sure I can really cast a critical eye over it. The only thing I can comment on is the writing in general, which is very good, if my opinion counts! There is a nice balance between dialogue and narration. To be honest, I couldn't see anything particularly wrong with it that hasn't already been said i.e. the commas.
I don't know why it surprised me to read the date 2395 when your book is entitled 'Future Crime' ... it did. Can't be a bad thing, I guess. I salute you for writing a story set in the future. It can't be easy; well, I know I wouldn't be able to do it.
I wish you luck with it!

SF42

Hi Brian

Something about this reminds me a little bit of Douglas Adams' Dirk Gently books, just with less overt comedy. It is clearly well thought out and is very well written. One thing that concerns me is that there is little in the way of description or explanation in what I read. For example, we don't know (yet) what bio boots are, are why he suit eats food. I don't know what he looks like, or what it is that comes out of his wrist.

As well as that, chapter 2 is very long - perhaps it would be best split into 2. But that's just me - makes no difference to the story.

I'll type out my notes, but (because it's so well written) they are all on the same subject. Unfortunately, it's the one thing that drives me crazy!

' "I don't know?" answered Mac' - This is not a question, it's a statement. Question marks do not belong with statements.

'I will contact you?' - Not a question

' What the hell does it matter....loot in?' - not a question

'how they got in and out?' - not a question

'...don't even know why' - NOT A QUESTION!!!!!!

So apart from that, it's well written; I can't imagine an edit would do a huge amount to improve it - from what I've read it's practically ready for publishing already. There's not really anything else I can say that will be of any use. I'm sure it will do well. Good luck with it :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

I agree with everything Peat A said.

The problem with heaps of boring backstory up front is that it gets in the way. Your character would not think all this, that is you who is doing the talking. You are not a character in this story, it shouldn't be there. Everything between - ...the hardest thing to do. (until) ...'Mandates' implementation, so far, so good. - should not be there.

You needed to know all this in order to write the story; we do not need to know it in order to understand it. Honestly.

If you really believe it essential, then it should be in a prologue in the form of short, punchy, newspaper articles, starting with 2395.

After the history lesson all goes smoothly and it shapes up to be a great story. But you absolutely have to get the beginning spot-on right, as everyone judges if they will read on (buy the book) by what is there.

Future Crime
Please note usual disclaimers: I have not published fiction, and I suck at pitches for example. Take what you agree with.

Short pitch: Presentation is all, in this place as in the world of selling, and that’s what pitches are about. So, Brian, starting your pitch with a rogue full stop may seem trivial but it says to the reader (and prospective agent) ‘hey look I can’t be bothered with details.’ The wording of this short pitch isn’t ‘punchy’ enough –it starts well but then trails off with ‘has them all…

Long pitch: Dreadful. Sorry. Again you are supposed to be selling your idea but you start out by talking about somebody else’s work and ask your reader to think about it. I read 20,000 Leagues years ago, barely remember the much later film version and I’ve never read Mysterious Island. Should I stop with your book now? That’s not the effect you want is it? Cut all that out. This is your story. Concentrate on it, and the aspects of it that stir the imagination, raise curiosity and so on. Do not explain its antecedents. Do not ramble through the contents. Sell them. ‘environmental dilemma’ - which one? ‘The team’ – what team? And it’s much too long. Aim for succinct and punchy.

C1: I’m assuming that your use of italics is to indicate thought (internal dialogue). Many people do this. I do. But to start with it with no attribution –no tag – strikes me as odd. Especially as he then says “Aww Jees!” out loud. I know what clumsy is but what is ‘attitudinal clumsiness’? I think this vital first paragraph needs attention. The reported thought, if that’s what it is, focuses the reader on the idea of ‘future crime’ but then does nothing with that idea. There is clearly good stuff here. For example the phrase ‘equally uninterested carpet’ is brilliant, so I suggest you reconsider this paragraph and its subject. And in paragraph 2 you lose the subject of the paragraph again, this time by referring to the ‘desk’ and then attributing action to the ‘bot’. ‘last member of the Anti-theft Squad’ is clearly a vital phrase and I think you would do better by having it up front so the reader says Ah.. that’s what it’s about.

Once you get going with the investigation, and the dialogue in the Museum for example, I thought the whole thing picked up considerably. You seem able to string the story along quite well with dialogue and I would urge you to consider re-visiting the opening using this sort of trick. As it stands the chapter has a stodgy beginning, with techno-dumps and overlong, clunky sentences. Make the role of the MC clear right at the beginning and figure out how to get around that history lesson about crime. I can see where you’re going with this because I guessed why they stole out-of-date money – as I suppose you want most readers to do. It certainly made me want to know more.

Dear Brian,

“There are crimes of property and person, against mankind and nature” - your short pitch is a very attractive one.

“The story involves Earth’s present environmental dilemma, and explores a future beyond the final end of Earth” – this is a very luring knowledge given today's the two top human catastrophes - the environmental degradation and the fear that the would be knocked by nearing other planet objects.

I will read on.

Sincerely,

Julius B

I enjoyed escaping to the future for a while. The imagery of the bot and operator as mother and baby elephant was particularly nice. I am not familiar with the phrase "sweet fuck all" but I plan on using it in conversation as soon as the chance arrives.
Bill Scott
Haktaw Heart

Interesting. you've got me hooked. Backed.
You may want to have a look at What Lies Within by Audrey Finch

The pitch was a little convoluted with all the swap this word for that word. Other than time travel it didn’t give me much of an idea what the story was about and I got a bit lost in it.

The level of detail in the opening compared to the amount of action and what you were conveying about his job and situation made for a very slow start. Put me off a bit to be honest.

Mac recalled in 2395... didn’t really convince. People don’t really reminisce convenient exposition like that and it feels like the writer pushing the info onto the reader. A man alone with his thoughts of the past aren’t very captivating especially when you know nothing about him. You’re info dumping. You do it again when Clancy calls and gives a detailed explanation of his job without being asked. He may just be the type of character that talks a lot, but within the context of all the other exposition it feels like a quirk of the writer more than the character. You keep stopping to explain things which kills the pace (btw, rape is rarely about a desire for sex, so sexbots wouldn’t be a cure).

The plot reveals itself gradually but it’s very linear and every step is shown. People give each other information in a very direct manner which creates a flat narrative, this happens, then this happens, this question followed by this answer. It all makes sense and I can see the mystery of the missing money is clearly shown, but overly so in my opinion. Being able to do more with dialogue and narrative than face value is a big part of writing a story and the first chapter feels very on-the-nose and too much like I’m being spoonfed.

Sci-fi, especially the more tradition Foundation style stuff can be slower and more expositional, but it can feel dated if overdone by a contemporary writer, even if it’s done well. This story doesn’t quite pull it off for me and I think the style of writing made it hard work for me to get into the story.

hi Brian,
you're an accomplished writer and know how to make your world come alive. Your vocabulary is wide and the words used are fitting for the subject. This techno world is dark and sterile, and any referral to emotion has been avoided. I believe, you used 'gently' once and mentioned Don Giovanni. This stark treatment makes the plot and story line more abstract and removes the reader from getting too involved.
Feelings, emotions, greed(?) have been removed. But . . .as always there is no getting away from the monster, and this time it is tied in with a young boy in the cellars, meaning the monster is attacking youth as a concept, and the concept is deep in the cellar. Back with good, old Minotaur then, and from then on the banknotes lose attraction as we want to know about the snake. It's the greed FOR the snake that is impossible to eradicate, and the banknotes become secondary, as always.
There is not much animal left in your characters after technology has had a snatch, and I wonder if you will re-establish this relationship in later chapters. I admired the writing and skill with which you established the little 'future' twists and turns, and your imagination is vivid enough to pull the reader along without effort. Backed.

Future Crime,
Fiction, Science Fiction, futuristic 3rd person

200K words ... This is a huge MS, nearly 2x the size of most full novels. For E-publishing, it might fly. I'm not sure. Most publishers will not consider a MS of this size.

The mechanics are very clean and the prose is very polished. In terms of pacing... IMO, it would benefit by streamlining the plot.

Good hooks, esp the snake at the end of CH2. The author alomst brought a shiver with the description. In fact, the author has a flair for descriptive writing. There is a wealth of wonderful descriptions and dialog in this book.

POV. There were a number of times that I found POV shifts within the same scene, Chapter. For example, in CH 2, when Mac comes across the boy, we are in Mac's POV. Then we suddenly shift to the boy's POV. This is just an observation. Typically, editors do not accept POV shifts within the same scene unless there is a very good reason to do so and the POV should then stay in the new one, not shift back. Any POV shift should be natural and seemless and logical. When the POV character leaves the scene, for example.

I think that this story would have a wide readership, and the premise is very compelling. With a ruthless editing, I think the chaff could be cleared away and this story would be marvelous.
Raechel
Echo

A confession. I read your pitch a while ago and added your book to my watch list. When I started reading today I had entirely forgotten the pitch and it took me more than two thirds of your first chapter to "solve" the crime. I felt very clever until I realized it was only the setting off point for your story.

Anyway, I like Future Crime very much and I will becoming back to read and comment more because it's very well done and the sort of thing I fantasize about! Currently I only have a couple of minor suggestions - and, as always, they may say more about me than about you :)

1. I imagine that the 435th floor would be spectacularly windy. Perhaps dangerously so. You might want to address this with science or architecture.

2. Occasional phrases such as "virtual evidential snapshots" seem a little caught between wanting to ensure that the reader understands that this is Future Science and treating it as Everyday from the perspective of the character. I imagine it's very tricky to get this right but it's about the only area I can see so far that you might want to think about.

I will come back later.

Thanks for sharing.

A beautifully crafted, highly polished piece of writing, which i can't fault technically. I LOVED the first line and i thought you created a believable world (this is so difficult to do). The concept feels different (but you will know the market much better than me).
A job very well done. Lots of stars.
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

This is good science fiction. The writing is slick, uncomplicated and uncluttered but reads with intriguing detail and underlying tension. The detail of mankind's future existence is plausible and believable in it's telling. As for writing technicalities I'm not qualified enough to feel I can comment.

This is an excellent model of Science Fiction and the author has obviously researched his subject.
There are unexpected twists and turns and amidst the horror of having to become subservient to SLIP ( a time travel entity who exudes femininity) in order to survive in a future world, Jimmy and Tommy overcome the ordeal with remarkable acceptance. Reduntant Mac blunders along, living in the past, unwilling to accept "Time Travel" exists.
A futuristic tale and bound to enthrall readers of Science Fiction.
Please address your punctuation, whch can make or break a writer.
Overall, well done.
Adrienne

Brian,

First my disclaimer - I do not read sci-fi or crime fiction, so I am a complete novice here. So what might be obvious to those who read a lot of these genres might not be obvious to me.

The first time I read the first, rather short section, the one that begins, "There was no future in crime. Mac swung his bio-boots onto the desk....", I became disoriented with the description of the removalist working the bot. The second time I read it, however, it was clearer to me what was happening. But, again, as a new reader of this genre, I might have read that and thought twice about continuing.

Where I became more engaged was at the second section where the history of the "Mandates" is introduced and the sort of philosophical construct as to why crime had nearly become non-existent. I found that interesting because it set up some of the cultural setting for this future environment and gave me a way to adjust my thinking from present to future.

I found the dialogue between Mac and Clancy very entertaining, and right away I formed a mental picture of these characters and I was able to connect with their predicament of being stuck in useless professions and isolated from the mainstream of their society. This uselessness became an important conflict for me - one that motivated the story for me. So the dialogue was very convincing and gave both characters tangible humanity. I felt less so about Professor Tino (but I really like his name).

One thing I wanted to know more about was Mac's modus operandi - how does Detective Mac go about solving crimes? what is his methodology? Is he the Sherlock Holmes type who formulates a list of questions and oblique observations, someone who is scientific in his methodology? I didn't get the feeling Mac was like that, btw. Or is Mac the type who solves cases by comparing them to other cases he has worked on? And how does he compare this case to others - I kind of want to know that too. I guess what I'm getting at here is that I want to know how expert is Detective Mac? Is he really good at what he does or sort of a out-of-practice hack?

One last note. I got lost for some reason when Mac pulls out his camera. I could not picture exactly what that looked like in my head or what the camera looked like. I did like where chapter one ends; I felt in sync with the plot at that point.

Brian, I hope this is somewhat helpful. Like I said, I'm a total novice when it comes to this type of fiction. I'll try to add other comments as I read further.

Dale

Brian,
This is very good writing. Crisp, clean and directly to the point. There are a few spelling errors. I'm not sure if you are from England because you all spell some words differently. Personally, I think your chapters are too long. Good premise for a story and a great dialogue. Backed. Lisa

Hi Brian, I read the first chapter of your book and I like the story and the character of Mac, and the time setting with its great potential for anything to happen. I thought the start was a bit slow and at first I wasn't sure where it was headed, but you've put it together nicely and it's an interesting and exciting read. I will put this on my WL until the first chance that I can place it on my shelf.
...ronnie dauber (author of Web Secrets)

There was no future in crime.
Great opening sentence. Very clever. If only more books began with a hook like that ...
This isn't the sort of thing I'd normally read, but then I'm not very experimental when it comes to trying different genres, and so I'm not sure I can really cast a critical eye over it. The only thing I can comment on is the writing in general, which is very good, if my opinion counts! There is a nice balance between dialogue and narration. To be honest, I couldn't see anything particularly wrong with it that hasn't already been said i.e. the commas.
I don't know why it surprised me to read the date 2395 when your book is entitled 'Future Crime' ... it did. Can't be a bad thing, I guess. I salute you for writing a story set in the future. It can't be easy; well, I know I wouldn't be able to do it.
I wish you luck with it!

Goodday. I enjoyed reading the first chapter. I like your creativity. You are a hard writer at times; very forceful words, which can slow the flow. I was a bit unsure where it was going at first but soon it flowed and moved at a memorable pace. I found the use of so many paragraphs a little stagnating and would like to see it threaded much closer together so time is not overly emphasised.
I will read some more. A pleasure, well done.
Marty.

Hi J.S.

Thanks for reading the start of my novel and your comments. The `residual crime', as you say, crimes of passion etc was toned down previously based on sensitive readers perhaps. I will look at revising, even though several motivations for crimes of passion have been eliminated.

Folllowing these introductory chapters Mac leaves the 24C and commences time travelling - yet there is a relevance for his current environment later in the novel and it acts as another point of comparison between characters and subsequent events,

THese first chapters have been read and edited several times and I thought I had them settled but it looks like I have more comma wrangling to do.

Thanks again for reading. I am in the process of preparing the remaining chapters for upload.

All the best, Brian

P.S. I will pop in and have a look at your work.

An entertainingly written SF piece set in a vivid and detailed future world. We have a world weary, heavy liquor drinking cop, who likes his food and fits many of the standard cop genre requisites, but living at a time when there is no crime and he is redundant. Nice contrast.

I found the future world credible in many ways (not least, because of your detailed descriptions), but I balked a bit at the comment that the only crime left was rape. What about murder: crimes of passion, rape with murder, manslaughter or acts of aggression: GBH, ABH – all the inter-action of humans that doesn’t involve theft? A crime free world was an interesting concept, but I needed more convincing.

The prose is well written, albeit the use of commas seems a little erratic.

There is much to admire here. Good luck with it.

J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon

An entertainingly written SF piece set in a vivid and detailed future world. We have a world weary, heavy liquor drinking cop, who likes his food and fits many of the standard cop genre requisites, but living at a time when there is no crime and he is redundant. Nice contrast.

I found the future world credible in many ways (not least, because of your detailed descriptions), but I balked a bit at the comment that the only crime left was rape. What about murder: crimes of passion, rape with murder, manslaughter or acts of aggression: GBH, ABH – all the inter-action of humans that doesn’t involve theft? A crime free world was an interesting concept, but I needed more convincing.

The prose is well written, albeit the use of commas seems a little erratic.

There is much to admire here. Good luck with it.

J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon

Bill,

Thank you very much for backing my book and commenting. I am currently trying to edit the remaining chapters re hard returns etc for the site. And doing a bit of real editing in the process. I hope to have all the chapters up soon. Yes, I'm a bugger with commas, as members of my writing group know, but I keep trying to improve.

Thank you for inviting me to join your group, and I will take you up on the offer as soon as I get settled. I will also have a closer look at your current book. It looks interesting from what I read in the pitch.

Once again thanks

All the best Brian

I have read enough to see that this is strong writing. You have constructed your future with plenty of detail and blended actions and attitudes with a sure hand. The detail of the chicken recalls the monstrous Chicken Little in Pohl and Kornbluth's great midcentury novel The Space Merchants, but I'm guessing you arrived at it independently.

Here and there I noticed a missing comma or a pair of commas, especially when dealing with names used in direct address. Example: going down to the vault: "We're nearly there Inspector." And a little earlier I spotted a semicolon where a comma should have been. But overall the grammatical and mechanical structures are very well handled. I can see why a careful reader and brilliant writer like Marj McRae recommended this to the Stampman's Orphans--a group you might well be interested in joining once you've got fully established here on Authonomy.

Shelved.

Bill

I have read enough to see that this is strong writing. You have constructed your future with plenty of detail and blended actions and attitudes with a sure hand. The detail of the chicken recalls the monstrous Chicken Little in Pohl and Kornbluth's great midcentury novel The Space Merchants, but I'm guessing you arrived at it independently.

Here and there I noticed a missing comma or a pair of commas, especially when dealing with names used in direct address. Example: going down to the vault: "We're nearly there Inspector." And a little earlier I spotted a semicolon where a comma should have been. But overall the grammatical and mechanical structures are very well handled. I can see why a careful reader and brilliant writer like Marj McRae recommended this to the Stampman's Orphans--a group you might well be interested in joining once you've got fully established here on Authonomy.

Shelved.

Bill

Hi Marj,

Thank you very much for reading my few chapters. If I haven't done so, I will return the favour.

At the moment I am formatting (hard return/tab etc) & editing the rest of the book, and expect to have it all up shortly. I assure you there are still surprises in store. So maybe when I have done that I will let you know,

Once again, thank you very much for your comment.

All the best, Brian

I always admire Sci-fi writers, as there's not just a story to make, but a world.
This was a thoroughly engaging read, I just wish you had it loaded complete.
Rated high, and to be backed.
Marj.

I always admire Sci-fi writers, as there's not just a story to make, but a world.
This was a thoroughly engaging read, I just wish you had it loaded complete.
Rated high, and to be backed.
Marj.

You are totally fantastic, Brian!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because I'm 9 from the editor's desk & trying to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of December :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 20 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 9-1/2 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks earlier this year

Dear Brian, I love your exciting time travel financed by use of stolen antiques of 24th century of Jimmy & Tommy & them taking detective Mac to 22nd century to to rescue Lorraine, as your pitch portrays :) - I could hardly wait to read how they would succeed. :) The baby was quite a surprise in chapter 4 :) - & I smiled. :) In chapter 5, "Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dum" story made me laugh. :) I love your adventure & hope you will write a million more books. :) I have read, commented on, & put your book on my watchlist to back more than 24 hours when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** mine, too? :) Thank you so very much for backing my memoirs/testimony book. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing-more-than-24-hours & the longer they are on our bookshelves, the more we move up to the editor's desk :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted & is written arduously my best from my heart, as I'm sure your book is, too. :)

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it - read & commented on 12 hours later :)