Frosh

Hannah is very authentic and pulls anyone who ever wanted a redo right into the story. There is a little bit of Hannah in most of us. Best Wishes.
Marjorie Wilhelmsen
Exact Places

Hi Nita

A comment as promised.
This is a confident and well written piece of YA work and I can see your audience enjoying the similarities between Hannah and themselves starting college and making new friends a comfort to them.
The story runs smoothly, your dialogue flows easily and Hannah is an interesting character for the reader to follow.
Sarah. T-cup and the Dream Team Fairies

Hi Nita, I just had time to take a peek and your beginning brought me right into your story, so I hated to leave. Work calls even on Saturday. I will get back as soon as I can to have a longer read. In the meantime I have placed Frosh on my permanent watchlist. Bravo so far. Please have a read of Epistle when you get a chance. John (Jnortonpa, Epistle Book I, The Promise , and Epistle, Book II, The Present)

I'm totally immersed in your story - now you throw this choice at me. I don't know which to choose! Sigh!
Eeney-meeney-meiny-moe!
Gary D

Ha! I hope you will find equal satisfaction in either choice, and maybe be so curious that you will have to go back and read what would have happened to you if you had chosen the other path. Have you had the opportunity to put Frosh on your bookshelf? I think it would like to live there -- maybe on the second floor in the eastern-most room? That sounds like a very cozy spot! :)

I'm totally immersed in your story - now you throw this choice at me. I don't know which to choose! Sigh!
Eeney-meeney-meiny-moe!
Gary D

grr. yeah so i just think you need to accelerate the pace.
you've got llots of good stuff here and i wish you luck.
katie

Sorry to take so long to get back to you. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. You've made some good suggestions that I will definitely consider. The whole "pace" thing is something I am trying to be mindful of, and I think you're right about speeding things up/cutting out some of the extras.

Thanks for commenting even when your computer got all antsy on you and sent things before you were ready. Best of luck to you! If you think of it, check back next month and maybe I'll have had a chance to update things a bit. Have a great night. :)

A very interesting read, (and I'm not just liking it because I share the same name as your main character :P; btw, "Hannah" is an AWESOME name. ;P)

The character depth is very unique in all of the characters. Hannah's spunk, yet lingering insecurities are easy to relate to. Many moments in the book (though I've only read the first chapter) made me laugh--mostly becuase of the shared embarassment and gratefulness that it wasn't me stuck in that room with Erik or made to say that horribly embarrasing pick up line!

I haven't gotten to the cool twist you mentionned in your plot yet, but the possibility of being able to choose your own story is definitely something that would be very cool to read and experience--what a neat idea! Though many are right in the fact that this would not work for every book. :P It's an amazing and unique idea that you've applied to your own work that keeps is fresh!

There were some minor typos and I caught some missing end quotation marks here or there, but these are things that word programs such as Microsoft Word don't pick up.

My only questioning is towards my liking of Dave...he's just...weird. I'm not very spiritual or religious, so I was a little less taken with his story, but sometimes that's just the way of things (especially because, at the moment, I don't know if Hannah is going to beleive him or not--or perhaps that's something that the reader gets to choose?)

I really enjoyed this--it's just like life.

All the best in your endeavours,
Hannah ;^)

I love your idea here, although I don't think it would work if lots and lots of books had this element, I think it's great fun to be able to choose your own story.
I remember when I was younger I used to read 'Choose your own adverture' books which followed the same idea. They were great because you could have so many different combinations. Some of them would end up with the hero facing a sticky end and the reader would be directed back to the beginning of the book. Maybe this would make some of your twists and turns easier, if you're getting stuck?
I like your narrative and dialogue and depth of characters, I think you have something really good to pursue.
Backed with pleasure.

All the best
Clare Morris
The Cloud Drivers: The Giant's Storm

Hi Have to agree with Katie's comments. Nice writing style so very readable; just a bit slow to get going. However I think this is aimed for a young American and I am a thirty something English mum!

Best of luck with this though!

Jo

grr. yeah so i just think you need to accelerate the pace.
you've got llots of good stuff here and i wish you luck.
katie

sorry- that last comment sent before i was done. i was saying- you want each line of dialogue to be compelling. otherwise you can sum up the conversation.
also, i'm not sure you've chosen the best place to start the story. you really want your first page to grab the reader. your first line, your first paragraph should throw us into the room, into the head of your mc- who is likeable and relatable.
finally, i only read your first chapter, but i think it needs to move faster. we need a sense of there being something nat stake. so i think

your short pitch got my attention. (as someone who writes contemporary fiction with a female mc, but doesn't fit into chiick lit, i recognized familiar territory.)
i think your writing is strong and you do a good job weaving narrative background into active scene. your dialogue is realistic, but at times comes off a bit too generic. it can be really tricky to make realistic dialogue that's crisp and interesting because the truth is that when we speak in real life, we use "um", we talk about boring crap. but i think in your writing, you want each line to be compelling. otherwise,

Nita,
I laughed when Max was introduced. I think I have one of her in my life :) This is a very engaging and easy to read story. The characters are likeable and the story is interesting.
Nicely done,
Sharon Van Orman

Sharon,
Thank you for reading, first of all, and backing is an extra bonus! I really appreciate it. Very soon (as soon as I can re-read the second portion) I plan to upload the chapters where the reader must choose which path Hannah will take. The tricky thing about it is that I want to offer any authonomy readers the chance to really make that choice, so I have to have both choices edited! That has slowed me down a bit. But check back to see which direction you want her to go next. And thanks again for taking the time to read.

Nita,
I laughed when Max was introduced. I think I have one of her in my life :) This is a very engaging and easy to read story. The characters are likeable and the story is interesting.
Nicely done,
Sharon Van Orman

Nita,
I started reading this yesterday at a pool party my kids attended, was writing your comments then got kicked off the low-signal wifi they offer...I will say it was a perfect thing to read, pool-side, on a sunny day, even if it is January and supposed to be winter-like. I think that you nailed the voice and concerns on a young adult here. I felt that the story was immediate, and that Hannah was a true person. You do a good job of getting us into her mind as things happen and the pace of your story is good. Great job with dialogue, great job with moving the action along while giving us little bits to keep us intrigued in the story and what will come. The one advice I would give is to limit Hannah's intrusions, just a bit. When you are describing HOW somebody is saying something, or WHAT they're doing, between speaking or while speaking...some of this should be omitted to keep the story moving along. Tucking hair behind the ear, people "chuckling" and "glancing" at each other between speaking...yes, this is what happens when actual people are talking. But to have it all on a page really slows things down. Don't feel that you always have to put the visuals of going on. If Hannah "stammers" something, we might infer that she is nervous and don't need to know about the tucking of the hair because really, that's what you're doing with the information is trying to get us to know what she's feeling. And I think you can convey a lot of this through the dialogue alone. A good thing to do would be reduce these intrusions by a third, see if that gets the story a bit tighter. But it;s really well suited for YA and I think original that you include the reader as participant in the story.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Mary,
Thanks for the ideas. I think you're on to something in your comment about the little details of what's happening as a character is speaking. Those probably bog it down a bit, and if I reduced the details it would keep the pace faster. Thanks for taking the time to comment! Best of luck to you!

Nita,
I started reading this yesterday at a pool party my kids attended, was writing your comments then got kicked off the low-signal wifi they offer...I will say it was a perfect thing to read, pool-side, on a sunny day, even if it is January and supposed to be winter-like. I think that you nailed the voice and concerns on a young adult here. I felt that the story was immediate, and that Hannah was a true person. You do a good job of getting us into her mind as things happen and the pace of your story is good. Great job with dialogue, great job with moving the action along while giving us little bits to keep us intrigued in the story and what will come. The one advice I would give is to limit Hannah's intrusions, just a bit. When you are describing HOW somebody is saying something, or WHAT they're doing, between speaking or while speaking...some of this should be omitted to keep the story moving along. Tucking hair behind the ear, people "chuckling" and "glancing" at each other between speaking...yes, this is what happens when actual people are talking. But to have it all on a page really slows things down. Don't feel that you always have to put the visuals of going on. If Hannah "stammers" something, we might infer that she is nervous and don't need to know about the tucking of the hair because really, that's what you're doing with the information is trying to get us to know what she's feeling. And I think you can convey a lot of this through the dialogue alone. A good thing to do would be reduce these intrusions by a third, see if that gets the story a bit tighter. But it;s really well suited for YA and I think original that you include the reader as participant in the story.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

"especially since YA in my mind is an older audience than the 9-12 you specified."

Oops, not that it matters in this instance, but I think you misread my comment on YA. Just to clarify: YA fiction plugs the gap between Childrens 9-12yrs fiction, and 17+ Adult fiction,
ie, YA targets readers in their low to mid teens (13-16yr olds).
Yes, a lot of YA is Fantasy and SF, partly because that's what teens like to read, but partly because a lot of mss on authonomy has been miss-tagged, and it's actually more suited to a Childrens or older teen/adult readership.

- NaomiM :)

From the pitch I'd say this is Chick-lit, rather than YA. - or Christian fiction, if her life choices are governed by her faith, and there is a strong Christian theme to the storyline. And you would need to submit it to a publisher who specialises in Christian Fiction, (rather than general commercial/Chick-lit fiction), if that is the case.
YA fiction plugs the gap between Childrens 9-12yrs fiction, and 17+ Adult fiction, and targets readers in their low to mid teens (13-16yr olds). As your main character is in college, it will be difficult for a young-teen readership to empathise with her.
Chick-lit is aimed mainly at a late-teen to 20s readership, where the main character tackles problems like first serious, sexual, relationship/engagement-marriage; first career choices, and similar.
Just to add, Womens Fiction is chick-lit for an older readership - 30+ - tackling more serious issues like divorce, affairs redundancy/career change, illness like cancer, care of teenage children and sick/elderly parents, which your book doesn't fit.
- NaomiM

Thanks for the information! I was unclear about quite where this would best fit, especially since YA in my mind is an older audience than the 9-12 you specified. Also good to recognize that Women's Fiction is aimed at 30+.

The thing about Frosh is that it explores spirituality, primarily from a Christian perspective, but not exclusively. And it doesn't necessarily mean that it is an "explicitly" Christian book. Her growing sense of faith will inform her choices, but it is also a developing sense of herself. I don't know if I would want to pigeon-hole it into Christian Fiction, but you may be right that CF is where it would most readily fit.

Good things to consdier when choosing a genre tag. I've also been surprised by how many YA books are all fantasy or sci-fi type books. That's where I wondered if this could offer an alternative, but maybe not because of the age range.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to write. Hope you have a great afternoon!

From the pitch I'd say this is Chick-lit, rather than YA. - or Christian fiction, if her life choices are governed by her faith, and there is a strong Christian theme to the storyline. And you would need to submit it to a publisher who specialises in Christian Fiction, (rather than general commercial/Chick-lit fiction), if that is the case.
YA fiction plugs the gap between Childrens 9-12yrs fiction, and 17+ Adult fiction, and targets readers in their low to mid teens (13-16yr olds). As your main character is in college, it will be difficult for a young-teen readership to empathise with her.
Chick-lit is aimed mainly at a late-teen to 20s readership, where the main character tackles problems like first serious, sexual, relationship/engagement-marriage; first career choices, and similar.
Just to add, Womens Fiction is chick-lit for an older readership - 30+ - tackling more serious issues like divorce, affairs redundancy/career change, illness like cancer, care of teenage children and sick/elderly parents, which your book doesn't fit.
- NaomiM

Dear Nita, I love that Hannah is starting her freshman year at college & already has good friends & was wondering what the one significant moment that would change the course of her life forever, as your pitch portrays. :) I really got caught up with all of the guys Hannah met & was glad she was above board with Dave about how she felt & made of list of "a" to "e" of what he said. :) I liked that Erik told her that God might be trying to get through to her. :) I loved the ice cream sundae monstrosity :) - it sound really good, right now. :) I hope your will write a lot more exciting books. :) I have read, commented on, & put your book on my watchlist to backing when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated you book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) p.s. every ******-ing & backing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing-more-than-24-hours & the longer on our bookshelves, the more they move up :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted & is written arduously my best from my heart, as I'm sure your book is, too. :)

I like the different narrative for a coming of age story. Gives a more intimate look at the internal changes some kids face that don't necessarily have the really "dark" stuff to deal with. Change is valid no matter where you are in life. Great descriptions of characters

Thank you so much for taking the time to write. If you can put the book on your bookshelf, that would help move Frosh up in the ratings. I appreciate your feedback. I hope I can add at least another edited chapter or two in the next couple days, so c'mon back for more!

I like the different narrative for a coming of age story. Gives a more intimate look at the internal changes some kids face that don't necessarily have the really "dark" stuff to deal with. Change is valid no matter where you are in life. Great descriptions of characters

Great descriptions and wonderful wit! I really liked the beginning of this. You have captured that feel of going to college/university and wanting to reinvent yourself and find out who you really are. I warmed to Hannah a lot. I will have to come back to this to read a bit more at a later date.
Best wishes
Karen

Thank you for your encouraging words. I appreciate you taking the time to check it out and to comment. Have a wonderful day! And keep checking back, because I will upload more very soon. There's a lot more to come!

Great descriptions and wonderful wit! I really liked the beginning of this. You have captured that feel of going to college/university and wanting to reinvent yourself and find out who you really are. I warmed to Hannah a lot. I will have to come back to this to read a bit more at a later date.
Best wishes
Karen

I thoroughly enjoyed reading these 2 chapters! I like the word pictures, the analogies, and the "quippy" and yet gentle humor. At times I felt like I was a fly on the wall of a women's college dorm room. You have a natural way of introducing "spiritual" themes without being pushy or preachy. I want to read more chapters as you publish them! KEEP WRITING! Gary

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it - read & commented on 4 days later :)

The narrative is quietly engaging with little tweaking required and I think if you contract your dialog and break a couple of formal punctuation rules, like where max is bubbling over with her description, it will have more impact - consider:

"I'm Max," she said, "Short for Maxwell, only that's my last name. My first name's Christina, and you can call me that if you want, but back home everyone sticks to Max - I think it's easier than Christina - anyway, you decide. So, what's your name?" She bounced over and plopped down on my twin-bed,her skirt fluttering around her as if orchestrated.Too perfect. I blinked.

It's always tricky to get the run-on effect when breaking into short sentences as you do in this dialog - try reading both aloud and see which you prefer (or which bits)

'flippy' in your second sentence tends to make it clunky. I have read quite a bit more but have run out of time (I should be website-building) but there are no deal-breakers in your opening, which I'm sure you're relieved to hear. Give me a nudge in 2-3 weeks and I will carry on reading. Stef

S-M,
Thanks for taking the time to read the beginning of Frosh. Your suggestions are helpful, and I like the idea of possibly running some words together to give the feeling of someone who speaks the way Max does.

I will try to take a look at some of the things on your bookshelf so I have somewhere to start -- the site can be a bit overwhelming. Thanks again!

The narrative is quietly engaging with little tweaking required and I think if you contract your dialog and break a couple of formal punctuation rules, like where max is bubbling over with her description, it will have more impact - consider:

"I'm Max," she said, "Short for Maxwell, only that's my last name. My first name's Christina, and you can call me that if you want, but back home everyone sticks to Max - I think it's easier than Christina - anyway, you decide. So, what's your name?" She bounced over and plopped down on my twin-bed,her skirt fluttering around her as if orchestrated.Too perfect. I blinked.

It's always tricky to get the run-on effect when breaking into short sentences as you do in this dialog - try reading both aloud and see which you prefer (or which bits)

'flippy' in your second sentence tends to make it clunky. I have read quite a bit more but have run out of time (I should be website-building) but there are no deal-breakers in your opening, which I'm sure you're relieved to hear. Give me a nudge in 2-3 weeks and I will carry on reading. Stef