Flickering Torches

Hi Malika. Okay, I've cut a great chunk from the 1st chapter. What should i do next? Don't hold back.
regards
Derek

My thoughts as I was reading.
Really hate the phrase ‘strikingly beautiful’. Bit of a cliché and the description should show that she is strikingly beautiful rather than having to be told. That’s just a pet peeve of mine though.
Again deliriously happy – you don’t need it. You’ve shown her free wheeling and inhaling and singing. It’s clear that she is deliriously happy.
Jimmy remained glued to Amber’s breasts – his gaze does, he doesn’t. It reads a bit comical otherwise.
But nice opening chapter.
Chapter 2 – again you’re explaining too much I think. Talking about fueling Jimmy’s sadistic tendencies, its obvious from his actions that he’s sadistic you don’t need to spell it out.
Quickly subtracting 11 from 25 – again the reader can work this out.
Experimenting with sex? At eleven? Really?
The details on Jimmy’s odd parents and their sickening behaviour would resonate more if it was done as a scene as it happens, rather than narrated. So we slowly discover from his mother’s stroking etc what her intentions are.

I think there is potential here but you are overwriting it a bit. Giving us details that the reader is intelligent enough to work out for themselves and that’s taking away from the power of the Jimmy character. From his malevolent introduction in chapter 1 I wanted to slowly understand who he was rather than being spoon fed his entire childhood in a few paragraphs.
But it is intriguing reading and the tale is nicely dark (which I like). But it needs a bit of work.

Hi Lj
Thanks for your observations, which I have taken on board - constructive criticism is always welcome, and you are probably right, perhaps I should leave more to the reader's imagination.
Experimenting with sex at 11? Yep, it does happen, especially to someone brought up in Jimmy's environment. And the sex bit gets even worse. What happened between Jimmy and his mother, and her untimely death is revealed in a gruesome flashback in a much later chapter.
Once again thanks for your comments. I have to confess that I haven't had time to trawl through any of the books on offer in authonomy, but when I do I'll definitely take a gander at your book.
All the best
Derek

My thoughts as I was reading.
Really hate the phrase ‘strikingly beautiful’. Bit of a cliché and the description should show that she is strikingly beautiful rather than having to be told. That’s just a pet peeve of mine though.
Again deliriously happy – you don’t need it. You’ve shown her free wheeling and inhaling and singing. It’s clear that she is deliriously happy.
Jimmy remained glued to Amber’s breasts – his gaze does, he doesn’t. It reads a bit comical otherwise.
But nice opening chapter.
Chapter 2 – again you’re explaining too much I think. Talking about fueling Jimmy’s sadistic tendencies, its obvious from his actions that he’s sadistic you don’t need to spell it out.
Quickly subtracting 11 from 25 – again the reader can work this out.
Experimenting with sex? At eleven? Really?
The details on Jimmy’s odd parents and their sickening behaviour would resonate more if it was done as a scene as it happens, rather than narrated. So we slowly discover from his mother’s stroking etc what her intentions are.

I think there is potential here but you are overwriting it a bit. Giving us details that the reader is intelligent enough to work out for themselves and that’s taking away from the power of the Jimmy character. From his malevolent introduction in chapter 1 I wanted to slowly understand who he was rather than being spoon fed his entire childhood in a few paragraphs.
But it is intriguing reading and the tale is nicely dark (which I like). But it needs a bit of work.

great writing...you use narrative and dialogue together very well indeed....great story...
l shall back...
l shall back...
read SEASONS...

Derek,

I've read your first chapter for now, and thought I'd let you know what I think so far. It is quite a refreshing style you've got here. Clean, clear writing, and well edited. I can't spot any obvious errors. You begin with a vivid description of Amber, on her way to her school to be a teacher, and it continues uninterrupted. I like her right from the first couple of paragraphs. You story is interesting, and quietly compelling, but I am curious to know how it ties up with your intriguing pitch!

The dialogue is also realistic, and propels the plot to the end of this chapter. Which is quite shocking. However, there is just one thing I would say. Your exposition in between the dialogue detracts from the flow. I felt myself wanting to skip it out because I really wanted to read what the characters were saying. Without the narrator's interruption, the dialogue would come over as much much more forceful and effective.

I really like it though, and looking forward to reading more.

I will put it on my Watch list for now.

I hope you will have some time to take a look at God of the Cocoa. If you like it and think it is deserving, I hope you can put it on your bookshelf for a while.

Thanks
Marilyn