Gold Demon

''If you can't lick 'em join 'em.''

If you're up for a straight swap, George, so am I.

Best wishes, Richard

Hi George.
I read the first chapter and liked the general feel to the piece. I thought the pace was good, flowing easily and to the point. I could sense a 'voice' already coming through, which is necessary for a writer. You have set the mystery up well. I love this genre you have chosen, modern thriller meets ancient myth, and if I have time I will return to see how it develops. Here are one or two thoughts on the nuts and bolts.......
Pitch - 'from' an ancient civilisation?
Don't need 'but that is not all'.
'Dabble' in the shares market and 'notices' the gold market change appears at odds with losing £280,000.
I don't need to be told Soitan is ruthless and sadistic.
I'm not at all worried about Soitan ruining the world economy once he discovers the secret of gold transmutation. Unless I'm convinced he is on the verge of this discovery, and why should I?, ('but first he must discover the secret process') I think we're safe enough.
Take out the second reference to him discovering the secret process.
Chapter 1.
I find it difficult to empathasize with someone who has £3 million and loses less than ten per cent of it, especially when it all seems to have been invested in only one commodity.
Financial 'guru'? See above.
The West End houses are still magnificent. My sister has a flat there.
Take out second 'financial guru'.
Gun toting guards in Barnton?
I think the IMF would move in again. If there is are 'sinister forces' I would place a bet on the IMF being part of the cabal.
regards,
Scott.

Hi George I've read the first 3 chapters of GD and have the following observations/comments. These are of course my subjective views but they may of some use or perhaps spark of a different train of thought.

Ch1: Esta's point of view (POV). We get a physical description of her , but remember she can't see herself. This pulls us out of her POV into omniscient POV, which isn't recommended. Overall, I foind her POV to be a little distant as if we're hearing someone else describe her, rather thasn being in her head. Her dialogue is good, but the other language used is a bit formal e.g. 'raise her skirt a trifle.' A young, modern sassy like woman like her would have a far less polite way of saying it! With POV, someone once gave me the advice of rewriting the scene in the 1st person and see how it reads. You'd be amazed at how things don't quite fit and you change the wording (and then back to 3rd person of course!) I loved the gold/alchemy/seven link: great foreshadowing/premise. I also really liked when Esta saw the family photos: that helps with description/her character and is woven in more naturally. Great hook to end chapter 1.

Chapter 2: I really liked the way she understands cars/modern technology. This is still rarer for men than women and makes her different. There's good tension in this chapter, but again watch your POV. You don't need italics for all internal thoughts. You can just weave them into the narrative and they'll be fine.

Chapter 3: Great hook in here with the time portal, making your book different (although time travel/paranormal are big in romantic fiction just now).

Chapter 4 starts to give us a sense of your skills in writing historical fiction and these are evident. You might want to research a bit more. HF readers are sticklers for accuracy and want to know times/places etc.

Overall, I got a real sense that your biggest strength is as a plotter. Believe me, this is an enormous strength. Some people write fabulous prose... and then it doesn't go anywhere! There are a few basic craft issues which need to get ironed out (which applies to us all). If you're looking for really good solid information/articles/online workshops, I highly recommend Romance Writers of America (google the name). There's an annual sub which is reasonable and you get access to fantastic resources. I also think your work would go down very well in the paranormal suspense area of that market and RWA gives members access to agent/publisher listings.

Hope this has been of some help. Very best of luck, Collyn.

Hi Kenneth

Thank you very much for your encouraging comments. May I ask how many chapters you've read, as there is quite a lot of adventure - another 43 chapters - before the end? Is there any chance of you backing it? I have added your novel to my WL and will get back to you.

Best regards
George

George,
You've put together interesting material, robust and well researched. At the same time, with all this content, "Gold Demon" moves along majestically, all sails unfurled to favorable winds. The concise prose and cleverly organized dialogue help the story progress at a goodly pace as we watch Esta zero in on Soitan. Thank you for this entertaining read. I'm anticipating a superb finish.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

George,
You've put together interesting material, robust and well researched. At the same time, with all this content, "Gold Demon" moves along majestically, all sails unfurled to favorable winds. The concise prose and cleverly organized dialogue help the story progress at a goodly pace as we watch Esta zero in on Soitan. Thank you for this entertaining read. I'm anticipating a superb finish.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi Kenny

Thanks for the comments, which I will take into account.

Best regards
George

Hi,

I've read the first few chapters - my instant reaction is that there is an awful lot of information in the first chapter. Sure, there's nothing wrong with getting the story moving, but I felt the dialogue, especially in the first chapter, between Esta and Bill was simply too convenient, and heavy handed. I felt carmudgeoned by the passing back and forth of information - whilst I have no problem with a rattling good plot, and an express train pace, there still nevertheless has to be a time and place. Though I like the sound of Esta - an interesting protagonist.
Best of luck,

Kenny

Hi,

I've read the first few chapters - my instant reaction is that there is an awful lot of information in the first chapter. Sure, there's nothing wrong with getting the story moving, but I felt the dialogue, especially in the first chapter, between Esta and Bill was simply too convenient, and heavy handed. I felt carmudgeoned by the passing back and forth of information - whilst I have no problem with a rattling good plot, and an express train pace, there still nevertheless has to be a time and place. Though I like the sound of Esta - an interesting protagonist.
Best of luck,

Kenny

HI Anna

Thanks very much for the encouraging and critical comments, which I will take into account. Any possibility of backing the novel?

Best regards
George

I read the first two chapters of this (sorry not to read more – I get very little reading time!) and I enjoyed the story that began to unfold, especially the hints of the supernatural on Soitan’s part.

I made a few notes as I was reading –

I think it would be better if you didn’t entitle the first part of your work ‘Facts’. This could stand alone without a heading, and the word ‘Facts’ seems rather blunt and didactic (History would perhaps be a better word?)

I like the sense of mystery you built up with the secret that Esta cannot tell Jane. It’s a good hook for the start of the book.

‘…horse bridles and copper pots, cluttering the walls.’ The comma’s wrong here - I would put ‘…horse bridles, and copper pots cluttering the walls.’

When Esta phones Bill I felt like the phone conversation was glossed over very quickly.

‘Rose Street was awash with a sea of souls, flowing towards…’ – I really like this sentence.

The story really opened up in the second chapter – I liked the hints of something intriguing happening, like the heat on Esta’s face as Mintasi looks at her.
I was a bit thrown out when she suddenly mentions Mintasi being Soitan in the second chapter – it might help if you gave a bit more hint in your ending of the first chapter of him being the instrument of whatever ill befell her real family.

I enjoyed this, and you have the makings of a good mystery. Good luck with it!

Anna
Angelwings

I read the first two chapters of this (sorry not to read more – I get very little reading time!) and I enjoyed the story that began to unfold, especially the hints of the supernatural on Soitan’s part.

I made a few notes as I was reading –

I think it would be better if you didn’t entitle the first part of your work ‘Facts’. This could stand alone without a heading, and the word ‘Facts’ seems rather blunt and didactic (History would perhaps be a better word?)

I like the sense of mystery you built up with the secret that Esta cannot tell Jane. It’s a good hook for the start of the book.

‘…horse bridles and copper pots, cluttering the walls.’ The comma’s wrong here - I would put ‘…horse bridles, and copper pots cluttering the walls.’

When Esta phones Bill I felt like the phone conversation was glossed over very quickly.

‘Rose Street was awash with a sea of souls, flowing towards…’ – I really like this sentence.

The story really opened up in the second chapter – I liked the hints of something intriguing happening, like the heat on Esta’s face as Mintasi looks at her.
I was a bit thrown out when she suddenly mentions Mintasi being Soitan in the second chapter – it might help if you gave a bit more hint in your ending of the first chapter of him being the instrument of whatever ill befell her real family.

I enjoyed this, and you have the makings of a good mystery. Good luck with it!

Anna
Angelwings

I enjoyed reading this. Hopefully, someday it will be printed, and I'll be able to read the whole thing. Best of luck with this.

Chapter 5:
1. In the first sentence, should it be dodging boulders?
2. If Marduk stopped his horse, Esta would’ve had to immediately. The way it’s worded, I picture her ahead of him by the time she stops.
3. The description of Namtar kind of takes away from the story. I suggest working in it a little at a time.
Chapter 7:
1. The deep felt memories of fear and hatred rose like a monster from the deep. – Suggest changing one of the deeps in this sentence to something else.
Chapter 10:
1. His eyes were adjusting to the darkness as Esta switched on the torch she had brought. – I think you should say: lit the torch she had brought.

Mandi

Hi Mandi

Thanks for the comments - I will take these into account.

Best regards
George

I know a lot of things are different between English and American English, so with that said, you may have to disregard many of my critiques.
Chapter 1:
1. In the midst of the twenty-first century’s financial crisis a superpower awakes – I would change that to awakens.
2. Sweeping long dark hair over her shoulders, Esta gazed at Jane – There should be some sort of punctuation here.
3. You’ve won the last twice. – Suggest changing to: You’ve won twice. Or: You’ve won the last two.
Chapter 2:
1. Esta thoughts hovered for a few seconds – Should be Esta’s.
2. His poise(insert comma), that (of) a ballet dancer
3. In the nineteen-century – should be nineteenth
Chapter 4:
1. And the other had white dapple patches on its’ grey coat. – Should be its.

Looking forward to reading more!

Mandi

I know a lot of things are different between English and American English, so with that said, you may have to disregard many of my critiques.
Chapter 1:
1. In the midst of the twenty-first century’s financial crisis a superpower awakes – I would change that to awakens.
2. Sweeping long dark hair over her shoulders, Esta gazed at Jane – There should be some sort of punctuation here.
3. You’ve won the last twice. – Suggest changing to: You’ve won twice. Or: You’ve won the last two.
Chapter 2:
1. Esta thoughts hovered for a few seconds – Should be Esta’s.
2. His poise(insert comma), that (of) a ballet dancer
3. In the nineteen-century – should be nineteenth
Chapter 4:
1. And the other had white dapple patches on its’ grey coat. – Should be its.

Looking forward to reading more!

Mandi

This is not my area of expertise so i won't give you detailed comments, but i thought the idea was a good one, the story started off in the right place and that there were lots of hooks to keep me reading. I thought your writing was very accessible (so differences in opinion!).
Read and given lots of stars.
Good luck with it.
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

There is lots to like about 'Gold Demon.' That ruthless and sadistic baddy of the pitch, intent on world domination by manipulation of the gold markets sounds like one of the more memorable Bond villains. The history of Golds interaction with man, the first metal our ancestors encountered, the wonderful partly discovered truth about the ancient Sumerians, the mysterious city of early bronze age Ur with its ziggurat and temples are all great hooks for someone like me. A tough-minded but beautiful female lawyer investigating the shady goings on of Soitan sounds interesting but a question mark was raised in my mind as to whether such an opponent would be a match for a grandiose supervillain such as him. All the money, luxury goods and privileged high powered lifestyle combine to add to the hook. The Edinburgh backdrop is also good. Perhaps you could have named that Rose Street pub and dwelled a little longer in that atmospheric city. Too much happens in the first chapter in my view. Why not draw her investigation out and ratchet up the tension a bit more.Given subsequent events and the revelations in ch 4 I questioned why Esta seems to be perplexed by the gold market goings on and even needed to see her financial guru. Later it is made clear that she was placed in 21st century Edinburgh specifically to deal with this particular crises. I felt the plot lost me when we discovered Esta's real nature. I like the 'idea' of being back in Sumeria and finding out what went on but time portals and a family of Gods for me was a step too far away from the 'suspension of belief' which you are asking of your readers. My own preference would be for you to seperate the two stories. To some extent this was handled quite well in the original screenplay of the film the 'Mummy' with events of ancient egypt having consequences for modern day egyptologists/archaeologists and reincarnation being an integral plot device as opposed to time travel. (?Did Sumerians believe in reincarnation?) I think that there is a better blend to be made of some wonderful storytelling here which will capture the imagination of many readers. I have this vision of a climax where Soitans dreams are shattered when he finds that even the mysterious powers of the ancient Gods have only managed to create a form of 'fools gold.'

This is a novel much time and research were put into. I am compelled to keep reading especially after that whirlwind of a first chapter. You are a talented writer indeed and I am more than happy to give this novel exposure on my shelf!

Liz
The Cheech Room

I haven't had the time to read beyond the second chapter, but I am definitely interested in the story so far. Usually any form of business/political genre completely fails to grip me, but somehow I'm finding it difficult to stop reading.
I did find one or two of your sentences to be slightly clumsy (e.g. "Sipping the whiskey the mild peaty..." should probably have a comma) but this is easily rectified and does not detract from the story as a whole. I shall be placing this on my watchlist and returning to read as soon as I have the chance :)

There's much here to digest in the opening chapter--maybe too much. First, the pitch is well done and straightforward, although with the references to 21st century and with the history alluded to in "Facts" section, I couldn't help but think that there would be some type of science fiction or time travel involved. I don't know why. Is Esta one of the "omniscient beings?" Is her suicidal flashback some type of supernatural ability or just a human weakness? I felt confused, on unsteady ground, in the first several paragraphs of this...not exactly sure what was going on. Once the scene settled down at the bar and the dialogue began, I felt that the story began.

As for technicalities...you have issues with lacking commas and commas in the wrong place. For example I would put a comma after "From the beginning of time." Maybe this is a cultural difference as I see that there are several times you do not set aside a starting clause by a comma. There are other punctuation issues too. Get someone to read and help. The other thing is a common one. Watch that you don't overdescribe things or people, or slow down the dialogue with descriptions of what everybody is doing between speaking or HOW they're speaking. Examples:

"drying tears and sweeping long dark hair over her shoulders"
"she tilted her head, pursed her lips"
"arms raised and waving gently"

When I see two actions like this...I find that my mind halts, trying to imagine the person doing both of these things while talking, or before talking. Because really, in real life people seldom sweep their hair back dramatically, then say something. People rarely wave their arms around while talking. Right? If you must give stage notes, then make sure they're something memorable, something that tells us something about the character that you can't show in the dialogue. Otherwise, unnecessary. More:

"handed one to Esta with a fleeting smile"
"she sipped the cool beer then spoke"
"Bill set down the bottle and heaved a sigh"
"Esta exhaled deeply"

Try not to use cliche-type actions like sighing and exhaling. We've all seen it a million times, right? Bill's frustrated...maybe "His beer bottle plunked on the table with a resolute sound." I don't know, try to think outside the box in terms of wording.

Of course, after a time I began to get a feel for Esta and her other-worldly connection. I think you need to re-work the beginning, though, consider getting rid of the prologue or shortening it up. Particularly the part about good and evil--again, very cliche and something our eyes just gloss over. The next bit about the gods of Sumer, now that's interesting.

Hope this helps. A very imaginative novel and overall, well written. I like that you give us Esta's thoughts while in some ways, she remains a mystery. I like the modern setting with the hints of the past bearing relevance on the plot. Good luck with this.

---Mary

Hi Sarah

Thank you very much for your time reading my novel, and for your comments and ideas, which I will take on board. I am not sure what you mean by "I would like it to be a little more accessible." Do you just mean call it Literary Fiction? Thanks again.

Best regards
George

This has a very interesting premise, blending ancient ritual and beliefs with the modern world. I would probably classify this novel as literary because of the style of your prose. The beginning would put me off as the narration appears removed and distant. I am drawn in more as soon as the action begins, and your dialogue is mostly very good. It is stilted at times by too much description, though this is not a huge problem. I would like it to be a little more accessible. But that is purely a subjective observation. I think this would do better if you listed it under literary fiction as it would draw in more people who like this type of writing.

This has a very interesting premise, blending ancient ritual and beliefs with the modern world. I would probably classify this novel as literary because of the style of your prose. The beginning would put me off as the narration appears removed and distant. I am drawn in more as soon as the action begins, and your dialogue is mostly very good. It is stilted at times by too much description, though this is not a huge problem. I would like it to be a little more accessible. But that is purely a subjective observation. I think this would do better if you listed it under literary fiction as it would draw in more people who like this type of writing.

Have read chapter i. Firstly let me say I do not give technical critiques. Firstly I am not qualifed, and secondly I don't really care if a comma is in the wrong place, or whether a paragraph is too long, or whether teh grammar isn't exactly correct. People have said that my novels are perhaps a little drawn out. (I needless to say, do not agree). Yours is the opposite. Too much is happening in chapter 1. There is no build up, descriptions of places, and people, are too scant. I was also confused. Firstly Esta has lost money on gold, and yet later we are told that the price of gold has increased. Sorry to sound so negative, but this has not drawn me in. Sorry. I wish youw ell with iyt.
John

fascinating- bringing ancient mythology into this story is great idea, and you tell it well with such skill; l shall back...
read SEASONS...

Hello,

chpt 1:
"made pools filling with her life" sounds a little odd maybe try 'made pools of her life on the floor' or somthing.

whos tanned face? I got a little lost on who we were talking about here.

"won the last twice." ??

"in you come." odd

at the end Jane becomes "more like a sister" and before she was only a friend and not family...maybe just a change in thought to sute your main character or a flaw...dunno really.


I read the first chapter and (although not my genre) it does look interesting. The book holds enough answers hostage to intrigue the reader but still gives them enough leads to not completly baffeling them.
My only worry is that the discription of people adn places (at least in the first chtp) are a little lacking.

The bar...i didnt rally get a feel for the bar...I knew that was were Esta was at but I didnt really 'see' it..

As far as dioluge is nice but seems a little 'typed' at times.

I would go through with a slow hand and add a little detail here and there but as far as intrigue and plot- you have that. I am not a expert on grammer but I think you are missing a few commas and have a few others mispalced but I could be wrong.

I hope this helped and when things slow down I hope to return to your book and find out the end.

Hi George, I have read the first chapter and although it could be something I may enjoy I struggled a bit. The descriptions you give are somewhat expected but there were some rathing interesting examples of originality that did stand out. But it was hard for me to remain attentive as like I can sometimes do it is easy to accept the first description that comes into your head and this was how it appeared to me. I liked the description of the outside of his house with regard to the faded colour. It provoked an idea in me without being told. There is a difference between telling and guiding and there was just to much of the telling for me. I like characters to be rounded and human and the cleche of a fit head strong woman always turns me off. Can you suggest some other chapters which may give me a better insite into the characters. On a positive the topic is one of interest and had merit.

I find this a fascinating book! I've read a couple chapters and skipped around the rest and it's the kind of book I feel I could lean something in, one that's not just entertaining but educational. I enjoy books like that, ones that I can walk away from feeling like I didn't truly waste the time. You've got some interesting issues in here and an engaging writing style. That said, I do think you can kick it up a notch. Not sure how exactly, as a reader I liked it but just looking for that extra notch. Am I making any sense? Add a few more descriptions, a little more drama. Give the reader not just a lesson but make them feel your writing. I wish I could put a handle on what I'm talking about. In it's present state, it's a good book but given your writing skill and the subject matter, I think you can easily turn it into a mind blowing thriller. On that note, I LOVE when you switch to the historical part! A nice switch...

I hope this helps and doesn't just confuse the heck out of you!
Missy

I never actually read any book about gold. Even though your is fiction, I still believe that there is some truth in it like all fiction novels. I wish you nothing but the best for your book.

Dear George,

How are you? I read this book and enjoyed thinking about the issues of wealth and greed. I don't like greed very much but your book is pretty interesting to read. I hope that one day maybe in a hundred years or so they find a way, at least here in the Evening Land, to raise the minimum wage to at least $100 an hour.
Well, best of luck with your writing career.

If you choose to read any of my books please enjoy How to Win the Lotto. I think some of the issues parallel each other with what you have written.

Thank you.
Billy McBride

You are totally fantastic, George!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for & backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** mine, too? :) Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because I'm #6 on the editor's desk & have to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of January :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 325 days of trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Dear George, I love the intrigue of your pitch of a ruthless sadistic tycoon Soitan aimed on world domination, trying to discover the secret process of gold transmutation in an ancient civilization, as he hordes huge amounts of gold to destroy the world's economy & as Esta, the attorney tries to intervene in an esoteric world of dangerous & history changing events that she has no control of, as your pitch portrays. :) Chapter 1 starting 2008 & chapter 10 is in 3125BC is amazing &, as I read, your book isn't all on,so I will have to guess that Esta succeeds & saves the world's economy because I love happy endings. :) I am 70 & wish that when gold was $200 #, I could have bought massive amounts & now, at over $1300 #, I'd sell it & be rich & not struggling to not lose our condo, so what a pipe dream. :) I have read & commented on your book & will back it when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) I would really appreciate it if you'd help me over the finish line of the editor's desk January 31 to be chosen in the top 5, because I slid from #4 to #6, so need your help of pushing me back in by backing my book. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing more than 24 hours & the longer on our bookshelves, the more they move up :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted & is written arduously my best from my heart, as I'm sure your book is, too. :)

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An intriguing start to what promises to be an equally intriguing story. An interesting main character. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) Your second line hooked me. Have you considered starting with it?
2) 'The lounge was large and opulent.' 'Opulent' is telling. Since you suggest opulence in the rest of the sentence, consider deleting 'opulent' as redundant.
3) 'Bill had drawn the short straw' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
4) 'Thanks very much Bill, that's what I'll do.' Comma after 'much.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.
5) 'A stone's throw from Bill's' is cliche.
6) 'Siblings in a synthetic family' ratcheted up the drama considerably.
7) Good end of chapter hook.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Happy writing.

Al

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it :)

A solid peice of work. I always look for one single problem that I know, in other people's works, and I happily tell them, but I failed here, nothing to mention. Then, that is where I gather that the work is perfect and I say it. I mean, imagine about the meeting between Esta with the man who is buying the gold. Anything could happen there. They could fall in love, or maybe not, they could come up with a deal, they could turn enemies, anything could happen, so we need to read on to know, because that is going to be awsome to know. And the idea behind the story, someone buying all the golds from the market and selling it as he pleases. I mean, this can add certain horror into the market and into the reader's heart. I suggest creating a little bit more of such horor in anyway that the author can, so we get a little more scared of the whole situation. The story is already good in my eyes, but it can be improved, because we can always do better. Please don't be too happy, because others may say something else:). If anything comes up into my mind, I will tell you in a message. Starred and backed.

Dan,

I loved the way you started your first chapter and enjoyed the rest of the first chapter as well. You have an interesting premise here and a great title for you book also, one that makes us want to see what it's about. I maybe would have enjoyed a little more description as the first chapter went on, but I'm one man, and it was an enjoyable read. You'll be on my wl for now and I'll back for a while later. Thanks for taking a look at my book too.

Have a great day!

- Scott Toney, The Ark of Humanity

Hi Dan

Thank you for your comments and backing. I am intrigued by your novel pitch and have backed it, and put it on my watchlist.

Best regards
George

Hi. Only had time to brows through the first few chapters but have enjoyed it enough to back it. My days are hectic and don’t have lots if time. If you would like a specific comment, send me a request and I’ll do my best.
Could you please take a look at mine?
Dan

The pitch is right up my street! On my watch list without hesitation.
Laurence (Winchester) Howard, The Cross of Goa.