The Dragon's Son

Hi Kathryn. I'm not a big fan of fantasy, it normally leaves me cold, but I really liked The Dragon's Son. The story fairly rips along, as Keegan, the prophesied dragon slayer destined to reunite his people, suffers the loss of all he holds precious and then meets the dragon through whom he will fulfill his destiny. The masterful prologue sets up the action beautifully - with wicked King Sloan lusting after his throne like a demented Smeagol, and Bowen defending it by taking on a red dragon - and I look forward to you loading more chapters (that dream in your last one was frightening, did Keegan's dad really die so horribly?). Six golden stars from me, and well done!

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

Only two tiny things caught my eye; don't you mean 'readily accept the thought of HIM placing four kings on the thrones?....and '..the enormous red dragon fly directly BY' might read better, since you have another 'it' straight after!

THE DRAGON'S SON
Kathryn Fogelman

Ah, how I wish there was more here to read. This adventure is so well told that I was enjoying it very much. Chapter Five was especially entertaining. I love the Dragon Pharrgon. He has a personality that is endearing yet he is dignified and magnanimous. What a great character you have created in him. Young Keegan is brave and good. I am eager to know what path he is destined to follow. His affinity with the dragon is a wonderful alliance and I want to look forward to many adventures with the two of them. I am involved with this story now and hope you let me know if there is more to read at some point.

I feel you are an accomplished writer who is able to set the stage and provide the action to keep things moving along at a good pace. There is balance in your work and it sets well with me as a reader of many tales of fantasy. I am delighted to back your story and give you my stars.

I hope you will have read some of my work as a dragon is among my dearest friends.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck
A King in Time

There is a medieval feel to this high fantasy tale of dragon slayers collecting wood for fires and wielding swords. The history, traditions and motivations of the 'Wovlen' are presented entertainingly. We are introduced to a number of characters and the warmth of the family/tribal trelationships is clear. it is a 'Coming of Age' saga with Keegan's tale not dissimilar to that of Frodo Baggins or Luke Skywalker as he uncovers the truth about his Wovlen dragon slaying ancestors and the mystery of the dragon stone he has been given as a 12th birthday present by his father. The prolonged battle scene as the mysterious dark strangers and their accomplices attack the village is peresented in a thrilling manner and Keegans character is demonstrated in action as the desperate struggle and tragedy unfolds.Escaping by the skin of his teeth into the forest he encounters a dragon only to find that friendship ( as well as roast venison and cold showers) is offered him and that perhaps these creatures have been misunderstood by the Wovlen. Pharrgon the dragon is clearly going to offer him information and support as he follows the path to his currently hidden destiny. There is a tendency for too many adjectives in places and I think Keegans reflections on the battle when he reaches the forest could be reduced as there is some repetition which slows the pace. The action scenes are very good indeed in this and the authors created world is a convincing and intriguing one. I am not usually a fan of fantasy but this is a cut above most on the site and so one to W/L for now.

Kathryn,
The Dragon's Son is a fantasy lover's dream. Keegan's adventure is beyond anything I could have imagined, but I write in an entirely different genre. I love your exquisite descriptions of Keegan's surroundings and actions. This is a thrilling and riveting tale crafted in a professional style. Rated with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Your hope has come true, I truly enjoyed reading this and I hope that any further editing will bring more of the same level of writing standard. You drew the reader in with no problem and you made it easy to connect with the characters which is very important to get the full impact of what is happening in the story. I honestly thought Bowen was about to meet his end on the balcony.

Keep going with this. Well done :)

Lesley-Ann (Ezeldren Spirit of Ezereth)

Exciting and a new style of Christian book.
A thrilling read.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Hey Kathryn,

I like the opening line a lot: "A strong framed boy of about age eleven ... with a grass thatched roof." It has rhythm and timing and sets the stage for the tempo of the writing to follow. I'm also struck by the discrimination of the Wovlen's, that their clan is an outcast among the rest of society. It's clearly depicted. And it alludes to peoples throughout history who have been forced to be outcasts. I think Keegan is a strong character, strong enough to be the one who will become the dragon slayer, and, hopefully, help his clan regain legitimacy among the others. I'm touched also by the love shared at the Wovlen's table; I'm thinking of the gift given by the father and their embrace. Thank you for sharing your work! I really enjoyed reading it.

Sam Cronin

Thrilling opener. I love the action that comes from the characters and makes the plot begin with a lot of action.
It is very original story with twists and turns from the beginning.
Your words flow very well and make vivid images.
Good title and pitch.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

DRAGON’S SON
This book begins with a dramatic first chapter: brothers fighting each other, a ride on a dragon, a village about to be burnt to the ground . . . . You have a good character in Bowen. He’s a good contrast to his older evil brother (altho I didn’t understand why he was so quick to try and kill the dragon - could you include an explanation of how dangerous they were to justify that (otherwise he’s guilty of eliminating a vanishing species, not a good thing to do by today’s standards). Either way, I think this is a story that will attract a large young adult audience: a good mixture of fantasy and likable characters. Highly rated and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi Kathryn. I'm not a big fan of fantasy, it normally leaves me cold, but I really liked The Dragon's Son. The story fairly rips along, as Keegan, the prophesied dragon slayer destined to reunite his people, suffers the loss of all he holds precious and then meets the dragon through whom he will fulfill his destiny. The masterful prologue sets up the action beautifully - with wicked King Sloan lusting after his throne like a demented Smeagol, and Bowen defending it by taking on a red dragon - and I look forward to you loading more chapters (that dream in your last one was frightening, did Keegan's dad really die so horribly?). Six golden stars from me, and well done!

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

Only two tiny things caught my eye; don't you mean 'readily accept the thought of HIM placing four kings on the thrones?....and '..the enormous red dragon fly directly BY' might read better, since you have another 'it' straight after!

I've just finished the first two chapters and am thoroughly impressed.

You have created a intriguing world here and I am eager to read more to discover the rest of it.

I found some of the dialogue between Keegan and his friend a little odd, but perhaps that is just me.

Overall there is a good story here and it will remain on my wl so I can come back to read more.

Seth

Hello Kathryn:

The Dragon's Son is quite an adventure whose action launches right from the get go.

My only suggestion is that you may want to divide the novel into chapters.

Blessings.

James

Hi

I just read chapter 2. The story is continuing to develop nicely, and it is great to see that you have developed a whole world that includes history, the development of people groups and lore.

I did notice, though, that the editing of this chapter is not quite as clean as the prologue. I have included some of my observations below. These are just my opinions and suggestions, and you are free to take them or leave them.

The sentences of the first five chapters need to be revised. Some ideas are repeated, such as, “Everybody he knew had a mark on their right shoulder...” and “...but all Wovlens had a mark. At least, everyone he knew anyway.”

Throughout the fifth paragraph I noticed more ideas that are repeated (the origin of how the Wovlens were outlawed, for example). These ideas could condensed into one phrase. Also, there are a few short sentences that seem to throw off the flow of the paragraph. You might want to consider rephrasing the whole thing.

There are also punctuation issues that need to be resolved, such as ''...dragon slayer's son too.” he reminded with a wink.''

Finally, the chapter is very long. Though there are some interesting elements in it, it's tiring for the reader to have to wade through a long chapter. Also, it might discourage him from moving on to the next one when he scans through the chapter and sees such a long stretch to read. You might consider splitting the chapter in two. I've done this in my own book and it makes a big difference to the over all feel.

I mention these things because you have a good story here, and with some basic revisions, your story could be lifted to a new level.

All the best, and I hope your book continues to please readers to come.

Charlotte12
The Eagle's Gift

Hi!
I like this very much. I have only read through the prologue, but it is very well written, tells a good story and has enough intrigue to keep me interested. The only thing I wonder about, is that it felt more like a chapter than a prologue. But that's just my opinion. I am very eager to read on.

Very nice job!
Charlotte12
The Eagle's Gift

I love the description of Bowen and the line about the "thump and pain shooting up his arm" being compared to an arrow hitting a tree. You use these types of writing tools to help bring the story to life for the reader. Each character has their won distinct voice, something that I personally struggle with. Paced well and kept me going from the very start, I'm wondering, "What is going on with Bowen?" and this sentiment never really fully let up. It keeps me turning the page. By the time I read the line, "He is still in the mountain, as well as our families," I was invested in the story. I want to know how everything turns out. I will be coming back for more! Best of luck with this!

Ashley
"Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket"

Love how you go right into the thick of things with Sloan fighting about the throne and the dragon. Be careful about too much action though. I rather get to know the characters first and once I like them I am willing to go with them through all their battles.

The ending was good, however. The only thing that must be looked at is trimming the dragon scene a bit. It just drags on just a little. So take a look at that. Other than that very good. You definitely get to keep your 6 stars.

Cover: One of the more professional ones I have seen here. I could actually see this on a book.

Title: Simple, to the point. Sure. Works.

Short Pitch: A prophecy in a YA Fantasy book? Hmmm. You know that’s a huge cliché, right? As for the short pitch:

Little too much going on here. Is this story about the prophecy? The Sorceress? Keegan’s world collapsing?

I’d simplify this.

Maybe: A sorceress’ actions cause Keegan’s world to collapse and forces him to confront the prophecy he doesn’t
believe is true.

Long Pitch: This is all over the place and a bit on the sloppy side. Not to mention the amount of times you mention the word ‘change’ is a bit much. What is the central focus of your story. What is the time line? First you tell us everything is taken from him, then you throw in a dragon and a prophecy. But it doesn’t end there. You toss in a princess and a sorceress and then suddenly his friends and family are in trouble? Weren’t they taken away from him?

While it sounds like you have an epic fantastical story on the go here, you really need to simplify and clean up your Long pitch. It is confusing. It jumps all over the place. And I have no idea what the main focus of this book is.

Give a read of other peoples pitches and see how they set it up. All you really want to do is give the reader an idea of what they will be engaging in, not a mini synopsis.

Prologue

People on Authonomy really like to write these. I often find they are better off as chapters and not prologues. But we shall see...I am starting to read...now:

Not a very long prologue, but you have thirty ‘that’ in it. I noticed it in the third sentence and wanted to do a quick search. That is a tricky little word that can often be taken out without affecting the sentence too much. Examples of:

...not expect that his older brother...--...not expected his older brother...

...and smug look that his older brother wore...--...and smug look his older brother wore...

...ignoring the words that Felnost had heard...--...ignoring the words Felnost had heard...

...wind that whipped through...--...wind whipping through...

...grasped the dagger that extended...--...grasped the dagger extending...

Alright, now...onto the story:

...his older brother Sloan would readily accept...-his older brother, Sloan, would readily... (comma)

....but he had not supposed Sloan would act so immaturely either. – doubling up on Sloan in one sentence,
unnecessary, and this line is a bit awkward.

...of a younger brother Sloan. – of a younger brother, Sloan. (comma)

“...up to the common folk?” He asked in a... –“...up to the common folk?” he asked in a... (no capital on he after a
question in dialogue.

You might want to research proper placement of punctuation and capitals when writing dialogue. For example:

“...on the throne either.” Bowen said as he... – should be—“...on the throne either,” Bowen said as he...

“...line of kings to be brought forth.” He added in a quiet tone. – “...line of kings to be brought forth,” he added in a quiet tone. (also, look at this, you are missing the period at the end of tone.

I notice this improper punctuation on the dialogue as it is throughout the novel. I will leave this note here. Look into correcting.

As I read this prologue it bored me a bit. I am really not a fantasy fan, not an epic fantasy like this, much prefer urban fantasy. While I think you have the ‘fantastical’ elements. I felt the writing lacked in the sense that it felt static. You are good at dialogue though. Not many issues wth the writing, except the punctuation with the dialogue.

Also, you might want to look at your personal pronoun starts and your speech indicators.

After everything someone says there is a speech tag or movement. Too much actually, which I found interesting because a lot of people on Authonomy tend to miss out on the importance of movement during speech.

There’s a lot going on in this first chapter, errr prologue, but I do think it can be shortened. Parts of it were a bit overwritten, narrative wise, and repetitive, dialogue wise.

This doesn’t feel YA at all. Well, not to me.

Am moving on to chapter one to hopefully take a look at Keegan as he is your MC.

Chapter One:

strong framed – strong-framed

of about age eleven? – Do you not know??? Can’t you just say he’s eleven, the uncertainty is weird.

Here is a great example of the personal pronouns:

He ran his finger...He huffed quietly...He suddenly paused his pacing...He knelt down and picked it up.

These sentence starts make your writing boring. Think of a personal pronoun start as a HARD stop. It disrupts the flow. Well, I feel it does. I would be aware of this because it is awkward and takes away from the writing.

Another example:

He closed his eyes...He remembered...The rejection...He had always known...He never wanted...He didn’t believe...

Do you see what I mean?

You start this chapter with a bundle of info. It prevented me from submersing myself into your story.

And again, I need to mention the punctuation with the dialogue. It’s bothering me. And I know I already mentioned it, but please look it up, or just pick up a book (published) and see how it is done properly.

Okay, just noticed the names. You use them a lot. Too much really. Try tossing in a he/him/his/her/she/hers.

Example:

Keegan smiled and shook his head at his friend’s persistence in annoying him. However, Torry was right in reminding Keegan. Keegan often looked at life negatively, and Torry would often reminded him of the bright side of life.

Three Keegans and two Torrys.

Keegan smiled and shook his head at his friend’s persistence in annoying him. However, he was right in reminding him. Keegan often looked at life negatively and he needed to be reminded of the bright side of life.

Also, there are some careless things that indicate this needs to be edited, issues with punctuation and overwriting.

I took another look at the ‘that’s in chapter one and it is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy over done with. I would go through and show you them all, but the list would be really long, here are a couple in chapter one:

...with flames that erupted from its...—with flames erupting from its...

...fangs that were as large as...—fangs as large as swords...

...talons that were sharp as knives...—talons as sharp as knives...

...a tail that could have...—a tail capable of destroying stone...

...and powerful that it had also...—and powerful it had also filled Keegan...

...a sort of awe that he had never...---a sort of awe he’d never...

...overpowered the fear that had been....—overpowered the fear he’d felt at the time...

...decided that if he ever...—decided if he ever were to look...

...pleased to feel that awe again...---pleased to feel the awe again.

All of those instances are from ONE paragraph.

To be honest, this isn’t for me. It’s not that I can’t see the merit in some of your writing, I can. You have some gorgeous descriptions and, as far as I can tell, you’ve fleshed out your MC.

The punctuation, the ‘that’ issue, the overuse of repeating sentence starts, and the abundance of narrative and back story in the first chapter alone have made this a daunting read for me.

Also, the sheer length of the first chapter is...well, way too long. In my opinion.

Good luck with this.

T.L Tyson- The Reign of Billie Blackwater

THE DRAGON'S SON
Kathryn Fogleman

This continues to be so rich and believable. It makes me want to know there are dragons out there and they can be good, kind, and compassionate. Not to mention, powerful. We could use a few of those in todays world. I bet our times would be significantly different were it so.

I want to tell you that there are several instances where you use lied instead of lay. For example, the last sentence in Chapter 7. Otherwise it is tightly written and full of marvelous imagery.

I am backing you again for this latest offering and by chance, I acquired some more stars that I am throwing your way.

Keep on writing on this one. It's magic.

Sincerely,
Mary Enck
A King in Time

- The Dragon's Son -

(Based on the prologue and chapters one and two)

I'm not best placed to evaluate YA/fantasy as it's a genre I don't have the skills to write in myself. That plus my being a novice as a writer generally should perhaps mean that all comments here should be taken with a pinch of salt.

In any case, I did enjoy the read and was impressed by the breadth of imagination on display and clever plotting. We are dropped right into the action with the prologue as we join the action during a medieval-type royal power struggle that soon turns to violence and ends with the breathtaling entrance of a dragon no less. A lot to keep the reader hooked there.

The interspersing of Keegan's coming of age style story with the steady drip feed of backgound on the Wovlen is also well executed and well paced. This gives us the promise of adventure to come as well as a good sense of setting and background.

All that I can add in the way of constructive criticism would really be nitpicks:

- In speech, a form of address should be both preceded by a comma and capitalised.

....."Aye sir."........should be........."Aye, Sir."

-I would have perhaps liked a little background on the dragon, at least some clearer mention of it, a little history of dragons in the area, begore it made its appearance in the prologue. Or perhaps some more anticipation, hearing or feeling it coming before it entered. It did come a little out of the blue for me and I had a little trouble pitcuring it for that reason. That could just be me though.

- If the sentence carries on after speech, the letter after speech should not be capitalised, unless it is a nampe etc.

........"He should be there by now," He huffed quietly........should be........"He should be there by now," he huffed quietly.

- The general consensus seems to be that whenever you set up the past perfect by saying someone 'had done' something, you follow the rest of that story in the past simple, as the 'hads' make the read less smooth and take the power out of the verbs. So, in chapter two, the second 'had' can be taken out of the following sentence:

"....when he had showed him his ring that morning as he had gathered wood."


Okay, my pedantry is over now;-)

Overall, accomplished writing and a well plotted tale with a lead character I'm sure would appeal to the target market.

All the best with it,

Ross

The Dragon's Son by Kathryn Fogleman

Prologue

I'm really stepping out of my normal reading zones here so I can't offer much in the way of knowing how this stands up within the genre categories it has, but as a story in itself I can see the appeal and it has great elements that I think would work well for it's audience.

Considering it isn't the sort of thing I normally read I'd say it's a good sign that I had no difficulty or disengagement while reading it. I hope I can offer something useful, and please treat these notes as mainly suggestions and IMHO.

A general point:  I wasn't sure why the scream was there in the earlier part.  I wonder if you need that? 

Nice opening line.  Gets me straight into the story.

Second line I think it might read better if you said
'...would readily'

'as calmly as he could'

'Master Felnost passed these words to me'
You use more normal speech throughout so what you have there sticks out a bit.  I think it's a smoother read in the normal speech pattern.

Would it really be like the sound of an arrow shot into a tree? I have no experience, but it seems it would be closer no noiseless.  I would maybe just describe the sudden sensation.

'...with the pain of a terrible betrayal...'

'But when Bowen saw...'
Just reads a bit smoother.

'he realised Sloan had no remorse'
Quite often 'that' can be removed a make for a more flowing sentence. It was pointed out go me and I found it useful to take some out of one my uploads.

'and with deep, narrow...'

'a roar as if to tear the sky apart'

'it was Sloan's knife that pierced you'

The sound of horses came from the distance'


Overall I was pleasantly surprised how easy a read I found this.  I think that's because, as I said, you do have the elements, and use them well, for a good story.  But I have to add the caveat again that I think you need solid opinions from others who know this field a lot better than me.

I just looked through your other comments now and the one that stands out is that you have made a believable world.  I agree :).  


Best,

John

I don’t read fantasy often, actually ever but on this occasion I could make an exception. You drew me into the story straight away with the conflict between the brothers and not knowing what would become of the kingdom.
You develop a lot of interesting concepts in the Prologue that I look forward to seeing you follow thorough but for me (purely a personal thing here) I would prefer to discover about all these aspect as I read through the story rather than have a taster of them all given to me in the prologue. As I said this is just me, I have noticed a lot of Fantasy has a prologue so it’s probably perfectly fitting to your genre.
There is a lot going on in the first chapter. Some wonderful description. I genuinely enjoy how clearly I can imagine everything because of your vivid imagery. Perhaps on the odd occasion in your quest for imagery perfection it can become a little jarred and over written. I thoroughly enjoy chapter one but I would have like it even more if it was slightly less wordy.
Great story, wonderful dialogue and powerful imagery. The very best of luck, I’m sure fantasy readers will love it.
Janny
Ps Super title.

I like the way we're immediately dropped into conflict with the brothers fighting over what is to happen with the kingdom. By doing this, you also allow for your world to be introduced without lengthy backstory or info-dumping. In fact, by the end of chapter 1, you've successfully developed your world through your conflict.

There's a lot of interesting developments just through the fight in the prologue. The four thrones, Dayspring, the outcome of the kingdom, dragons. You've definitely piqued my curiosity.

The prologue does a great job of introducing the conflict. However, I feel your writing style and story are much stronger in chapter one. It comes off as if you are much more at ease writing from Keegan's perspective.

I like the idea of the "W." Very creative. It also does a good job of making Keegan and his people sympathetic in the eyes of your reader. People love rooting for the underdog. In fact, I think your characters Keegan and Torry are the strength of this so far. There is some excellent characterization in the opening chapter. I particularly liked the line, "I am afraid that I shall never be done with my chores, for I shall have to do them again tomorrow." I think there are more opportunities for this voice if you look for them. And I'm curious about Felnost, since he was mentioned in the prologue. I'm excited to see his character come into play.

Nice foreshadowing with the mention of dragons. Dragons are a popular element in YA, so there's a very large market for this idea. Great premise!

Suggestions: I'd comb through this and eliminate any unnecessary adjectives and adverbs. You use them quite often, but your writing is strong enough without them. By eliminating them, you'll be smoothening out your narrative and improving the pace of your story. Careful on the dialogue tags. Remember that their purpose is to indicate who is speaking, so when you only have two people conversing, you don't need such lengthy tags. Sometimes you don't even need them at all. I'd cut them to make the conversations read more realistically. Also, some of the dialogue doesn't sound authentic. I know it's tricky because it's a fantasy and you're trying to capture the right speech pattern, but lines such as "Your shoulder had been pulled out" just don't sound authentic.

My main suggestion is to trim and polish this. I like everything that happens in the prologue and first chapter, but it feels a little overwritten at times. I think both chapters would be more effective if trimmed by about 25%. This can be done by cutting unnecessary info, words, and descriptions. Lastly, I wonder if there's a stronger way to end chapter one? There's not a whole lot of conflict in the opening chapter, so I think some sort of hook or cliff-hanger would benefit this to keep your reader engaged. Just a thought.

Typos: You're missing a period after "hoarse voice." You have a comma splice, which is technically a run-on, in the sentence "Sloan yelled and slammed..." Any time you have two or more independent clauses incorrectly connected, you have a run-on. It should be a comma instead of a period before the quotation in the dialogue, "I do not deem you capable..." In fact, there are quite a few issues with punctuation in your dialogue. Make sure you review how to use it correctly. "Reined" doesn't appear to be used correctly. I'd look the word up to make sure that's what you mean. "High-pitched" should be hyphenated since it is two words serving as one adjective. Same with "strong-framed." Make sure if you use an adverb that you put it in the right spot. It shouldn't be tagged at the end of a sentence. It should appear beside the adjective or verb it is modifying. For example, "A sharp yell entered his throat and unexpectedly escaped out of his mouth."

This is a very solid start. I particularly enjoyed the action in the prologue and your character development in chapter one. This promises to be an exciting fantasy that is perfect for today's market. With a bit more polish and editing, this will be even stronger. Great start!

Very well written. Keegan is cool. Descriptions are brilliant. This should really take off with lovers of fantasy. Highly starred.
Brava,
John B Campbell

THE DRAGON'S SON
Kathryn Fogelman

Ah, how I wish there was more here to read. This adventure is so well told that I was enjoying it very much. Chapter Five was especially entertaining. I love the Dragon Pharrgon. He has a personality that is endearing yet he is dignified and magnanimous. What a great character you have created in him. Young Keegan is brave and good. I am eager to know what path he is destined to follow. His affinity with the dragon is a wonderful alliance and I want to look forward to many adventures with the two of them. I am involved with this story now and hope you let me know if there is more to read at some point.

I feel you are an accomplished writer who is able to set the stage and provide the action to keep things moving along at a good pace. There is balance in your work and it sets well with me as a reader of many tales of fantasy. I am delighted to back your story and give you my stars.

I hope you will have read some of my work as a dragon is among my dearest friends.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck
A King in Time

Hi Kathryn, Thanks again for backing Whither Thou Goest. I’m happy to take a look at The Dragon’s Son.

Your pitch is fine, but I think you could punch it up a little. You’ve got some passive voice, your verbs are low key, and the sentence construction is pretty conversational. To change it up, consider using shorter sentences and conveying the story arc with short sentences and active verbs.

The story’s terrific – you’ve got the makings of a hit here!

In some sections, your story is a little heavy on narrative, which tends to put off contemporary readers. Try to reserve narrative for setting time and place at the beginning of chapters and sections and to transition time forward. Keep it brief and then roll right into action. Still a good story, and I’ll happily back it on my next rotation.

I think this will be a very interesting story, but I think it would benefit from fewer adjectives and adverbs. Too much description can take away from the action. You might also consider using contractions in places where the speech isn't supposed to be formal; it reads easier. I had a hard time switching from essay style writing to fiction writing, but I decided that if C.S. Lewis could use contractions and a less formal writing style, then it would be okay for me to.
Best wishes,
Kitch

Hello Kathryn! I've finally got round to reading your book and, although this isn't usually my type of genre, I found myself drawn in and really enjoying it. This first chapter is a great scene to start with. I think maybe you could blend in a bit more description with the action. I loved the dragon scene when it flies over, and was sad when Bowen stabbed it! Glad it didn't die!
This is by no means criticism, just a couple of things I noticed that might tighten your writing: if I were you I'd cut out your adverbs (mostly words ending with 'ly'). These, instead of adding to writing, actually take away from it. For example, 'slowly oozed' would be much more effective as just 'oozed' because how can something ooze quickly?
'Looked sharply', for example, could be 'glared' or 'narrowed his eyes'
I hope this is helpful. I learnt all this when I sent my story away to be critiqued professionally. As I said, I'm really enjoying your story and your characters, and I'll carry on reading.
Becky x

You have a nice plot and the Keegan character is a good hero. Yet, there are areas where this could be stronger.

I would open the book with chapter 2. That's where Keegan's life changes and we see our hero faced with adversity. The prologue has conflict but I don't feel attached to the characters there. Why is there screaming before Bowen is stabbed? Or are you implying that he heard screaming before he realized he was stabbed? The dragon is cool but it comes out of nowhere. Chapter 1 is mostly background information and back story that can be woven in later. It ends with the main character going to sleep peacefully, which isn't exactly a cliffhanger. After people read the first chapter, they should immediately want to know what happens next.

Pay attention to your dialog. Try reading dialog out loud to make sure it sounds natural. I know it's tough with fantasy, but avoid cliches.

You have the foundation of a good novel with the story and the main character so I'll back this.

Brian
Mute

There is a medieval feel to this high fantasy tale of dragon slayers collecting wood for fires and wielding swords. The history, traditions and motivations of the 'Wovlen' are presented entertainingly. We are introduced to a number of characters and the warmth of the family/tribal trelationships is clear. it is a 'Coming of Age' saga with Keegan's tale not dissimilar to that of Frodo Baggins or Luke Skywalker as he uncovers the truth about his Wovlen dragon slaying ancestors and the mystery of the dragon stone he has been given as a 12th birthday present by his father. The prolonged battle scene as the mysterious dark strangers and their accomplices attack the village is peresented in a thrilling manner and Keegans character is demonstrated in action as the desperate struggle and tragedy unfolds.Escaping by the skin of his teeth into the forest he encounters a dragon only to find that friendship ( as well as roast venison and cold showers) is offered him and that perhaps these creatures have been misunderstood by the Wovlen. Pharrgon the dragon is clearly going to offer him information and support as he follows the path to his currently hidden destiny. There is a tendency for too many adjectives in places and I think Keegans reflections on the battle when he reaches the forest could be reduced as there is some repetition which slows the pace. The action scenes are very good indeed in this and the authors created world is a convincing and intriguing one. I am not usually a fan of fantasy but this is a cut above most on the site and so one to W/L for now.

I am loving this, your cover is stunning and your pitch brilliant. I like the way the prologue starts straight in there, at the story, I don't like books that spend too much time setting the scene. Your writing is wonderful and you have left nothing out. Brilliant and backed.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

I read chapter one just now and I enjoyed what I read. I really feel this will help you: you really need to work on your pitch to make your story sound more original. Prophecies, dragons, etc. is just done a lot - you need find that element to make your story original.
Your language is good and I believe you do have a truly good story in mind. Your writing is certainly good. I look forward to seeing the book finished.
Keep doing what you're doing, let me know if you'd like me to take a look again at a later time.

The Dragon's Son.
Chapter 1 - Vicious sibling rivalry, a prophecy, a rampaging dragon and a lot of action that many, especially young adults, will enjoy. Overuse of Sloan and Bowen's names is rather irritating and slows the pace slisghtly. Dialogue is between these two characters and could be easily followed unless a third enters the coversation. 'as yellow as the yolk of an egg,' nic description of the colour of the dragon's eyes.
Chapter 2 - Quite a bit of backstory slows the pace and could be introduced as the story continues. Children playing, a mysterious stranger watching them sends a shivering chill down Keegan's spine. Nice touch. The passages showing Keegan's family and their affection for one another, described well and his father makes him a gift of what he says is a 'dragon stone'. Good hook.

Nanty - Chrys!

This is really well done. You've created a believable world because your characters ring true. The dialogue is good and you have a good blend of description and story. Really, I just read right along because I wasn't distracted by grammar problems or anything like that. I'm wondering if you should consider this for YA? The brothers seem young and fiesty, I guess is why I say that. Certainly a great and original story idea, and written very competently. Well done!

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Kathryn,
Being a dragon lover myself, I am glad to have had the pleasure of reading the start of a novel with grace. Bowen is wonderfully drawn and Keegan reminds me of someone who really went through trials to only come out on top. I rated it.

Penny Leigh
The Glass Serpent

Hi Kathryn,

I've read to the end of chapter three and really enjoyed what I've read so far. Who can resist a good dragon tale?? Anything you can do to make this as original as possible will work well in your favour. You have a good mix of characterisation and plot. I especially enjoyed the start of chapter three.... It grabbed me more (in the opening paragraphs) than the others. This is only a suggestion and by no means do you have to take it, but I couldn't help but wonder if this would make a great start to the prologue?I say this because the pace is excellent and it grabs the reader making us want more. Great fantasy, sprinkled with star dust and I'll give you some shelf time soon.

Best wishes,
Claire-Curious Cooper and the Screaming Skulls

Hi Kathryn,

I've read to the end of chapter three and really enjoyed what I've read so far. Who can resist a good dragon tale?? Anything you can do to make this as original as possible will work well in your favour. You have a good mix of characterisation and plot. I especially enjoyed the start of chapter three.... It grabbed me more (in the opening paragraphs) than the others. This is only a suggestion and by no means do you have to take it, but I couldn't help but wonder if this would make a great start to the prologue?I say this because the pace is excellent and it grabs the reader making us want more. Great fantasy, sprinkled with star dust and I'll give you some shelf time soon.

Best wishes,
Claire-Curious Cooper and the Screaming Skulls

Kathryn-


Clear and concise plot, full of imagery and convincing characters make your book a fresh idea in this site.
I have read your work and found it interesting and entertaining. I am amazed at the range of writers who have published work on Authomony. Many works on this site would not be out of place in High Street book shops. I think that it is more a reflection of the state of the publishing industry these days, rather than a reflection on the quality of the writing, that so many talented authors find that their work is not taken up by publishers. I will back your work as I feel that your efforts deserve it. Best of luck.

FLETCH
STORIES FROM A LEAKING MIND

THE DRAGON'S SON

GREAT PiTCH. Maybe separate the last two sentences in the long pitch into its own paragraph.
Look forward to reading your manuscript.
a zoomer

I love fantasies and this is a good one!

Kathryn,
The Dragon's Son is a fantasy lover's dream. Keegan's adventure is beyond anything I could have imagined, but I write in an entirely different genre. I love your exquisite descriptions of Keegan's surroundings and actions. This is a thrilling and riveting tale crafted in a professional style. Rated with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Your hope has come true, I truly enjoyed reading this and I hope that any further editing will bring more of the same level of writing standard. You drew the reader in with no problem and you made it easy to connect with the characters which is very important to get the full impact of what is happening in the story. I honestly thought Bowen was about to meet his end on the balcony.

Keep going with this. Well done :)

Lesley-Ann (Ezeldren Spirit of Ezereth)

Very, very good, kept me intrigged!