Magical Journeys: The Dark Realm

Magical Journeys: The Dark Realm.
by Terri J. Taber.

This book has all the ingredients for the Y/A market....and that's a huge market.
Fantasy, Magic, Elve's and Fairies. The book abounds with mythological creatures, very well described, drawing a captive audience to read on.
Beautiful writing.
I have said before, I think there's room for more books of this genre and this age group and your book should do well. Fantastic book cover!!
Pleased to star rate it and wish you well.

Kind regards,

Neville.The Secrets of the Forest - The Time Zone.

I found myself caught a little off guard by this. It starts off so normal! Which is nice for when the magical and fantasy elements come into it. I'm always a sucker for the King Arthur stories and I love how you've taken it and put a new twist on it. I'd be curious enough to read on past the 4 chapters I just looked at. I think it's marketable as well. Nicely done, I've got no complaints thus far!

Missy

I was a little surprised when I read the first chapter. I'm sure the magical elements come later. Very nice writing and the dialouge is real. I liked it. Good start!

Luckyfish09
Spellbound

This starts in such a 'normal' way before you introduce the more fantastical elements. I've not read enough to properly comment yet, will do so when I've got further.
Cariad.

Magical Journeys: The Dark Realm

Terri,

The pitches intrigued me right away, especially the question you ask of the readers. I love the fact Melissa is descended from King Arthur. And magical creatures! I love fantasy of this kind.
I should say I like the way the first paragraphs of Chapter One introduce the main characters. I instantly feel sorry for Melissa—it must be painful for her to recount the particulars of her finding her mother. I’m intrigued by the secret that Melissa keeps inside, my interest in her piqued even more. I love the dialogues here—the change of mood is so natural and believable—one second Melissa is snappy and reluctant to say a word, but when she comes to the house she thaws and is on the verge of tears. I like the e-mail opening with ‘Cia’. It immediately shows close relationships between the two girls.
Hmm, who is the owner of brown gold eyes, I wonder. Jason Marks, a new character. That’s curious. Excellent description of him by the way! And ‘Melissa could have died right then’ is a great way to show how she felt about Jason. I love the way she goes on thinking of him as an illusion. Jason/Melissa’s dialogues are lively and funny and are a real pleasure to read. I see there’s a possibility of a love triangle here—very intriguing. What does Dawn feel towards Jason? I hope to find out :)
In Chapter Two Jason’s note is another hook for people to read more. The fight, meeting Jason’s foster-father, the locket with a pentagram engraved into it—this chapter contains a lot of things and events that turn The Dark Realm into an intoxicating read.
It was nice to find out in Chapter Three that Jason rushed from the meeting to class to see Melissa. It appealed to me that Melissa told Jason (or better say, hinted) that Dawn might have feelings for him. Her frankness is another point why I like her. I’m sorry to find out the way Dawn treats Melissa at the end of the chapter, though part of me understands the reasons for it. I really enjoyed reading the first three chapters. I bumped into a few minor inaccuracies—they are all easily fixable—I hope they’ll help you polish the manuscript to perfection:
Chapter One:
- Her stepfather was a doctor at the hospital in a small town called Ely, Nevada, the capitol of White Pine County [capital of White Pine County];
- Melissa looked at her stepfather and noticed for the first time that week how sad he was looking [‘he looked’, would be better];
- Melissa rolled her eyes … as it passed by the car. As the sagebrush and rocky desert landscape passed by the car [I think you do not need to repeat ‘by the car’ a second time – consider omitting it];
- Melissa groaned and pulled the covers off … a small blue box laying next to her bed which she reached out, but caught sight [you are free to ignore me here, but consider ,please, this variant: ‘a small blue box lying next to her bed. She reached out to take it, but caught sight’];
- As Melissa walked up to the school with her black messenger … some had even had barbed wire fences [perhaps one ‘had’ is extra];
- The girl had obviously died bright red hair [dyed bright red hair];
- Melissa had an feeling of forboding [a feeling of foreboding];
- “I have … History next.” She whispered… he’s way hotter then [than].
Chapter Two:
- Melissa smiled softly, this girl reminded her alot [a lot];
- “What would he want with that freak?” The other girl said, who was named Amanda. [consider, ‘the other girl, Amanda, said.’];
- “That’s the third time this week, Ms. Northstar, principals office.” [principal’s];
- When Melissa reached the Principal’s office … Inside the office there was a lot of different desks [there were];
- “You’re turn, Ms. Starr.” the principal said. [“Your turn, Ms. Starr,” the principal said];
- “She’s a good kid, but she needs to do more then follow Jason Marks [than follow];
- “No, there is nothing wrong with him.” He sighed. “Just watch yourself with him [I’d recommend omitting ‘with him’ in the second case so as not to repeat it];
- “I have an appointment out of town that I can not miss [cannot miss];
- I guess things aren’t so bad here, the guys here are a hell of a lot hotter then [than] … I just landed a triple axle [maybe ‘axel’];
- a tiny suggestion for you here – Melissa had already sent a message to Cia, so perhaps it would be better if Alicia responded with something – it would seem natural, and then Melissa’s message would go – just an idea;
- Melissa took it out of the box and tried to open it … She hung it around her own neck and laid in her bed [lay in her bed].
Chapter Three:
- Melissa shook her head, she hadn’t really thought about it. The thought of just being with him was a little overwhelming to her. [consider dropping ‘a little’ before ‘overwhelming’ – it would work better IMO];
- “You’re ears… They are a lot like my father’s.” [“Your ears];
- “He refuses to believe it is a syndrome rather then [than];
- Jason touched her face softly before replying. “Your skin is paler then I am used [than I am used];
- She followed him away from the field happily as her mind wondered [wandered];
- Dawn made her way out of the school as she pushed her hair back … Melissa was quite and timid [quiet].

This is definitely a six-star book—I read the first three chapters with bated breath, and I’ll definitely return for more.
Ivan Amberlake

- Magical Journeys : The Dark Realm -

(Based on chapters 1-3)

The reader is hooked from the off with this by what is really an excellent first paragraph. We get a lot of backround information very simply and iformation that at once intrigues and shocks. The relationship between Melissa and ger stepfather creates very good tension and Melissa's new surroundings immediately sets the conflict. I started to write a note after reading about Melissa's 'naturally black and purple hair' thinking, 'How can hair be naturally purple?' But then I got over my momentary stupidity and realised that was intentionally made to meke me wonder. Very clever.

The second chapter does well to thicken the plot by introducing the various characters at school and the note she receives from Jason. The necessity of deciphering this and what we find out about Melissa and her mother haing used this secret language is a great hook and very intriguing. I can't rightly remember now whether it was in this chapter but I enjoyed the incident in class where Melissa oiced her opinions on Poe. That was a very nice piece of characterisation to show her intelligence.

Then in the third we get the development of all these themes and some more of the teen angst, dating issues. This is another area which is well covered by the way.

I did find some nitpicks........

-There was some repitition, either using the same words again in quick succession or saying the same thing again in a slightly different way. For example....

....'she stared at the Nevada landscape as it passed the car,' closely followed by 'as the sagebrush and rocky desert landscape passed by the car.' (chapter one)

....'Melissa walked into the school hoping Jason was lying about not being at school.' (chapter three)

...."It's hideous" Melissa said, with disgust in her voice. (chapter two). here, it's not necessary to mention the disgust in her voice as what she says conveys this to us already.


-The next point is that if a sentence continues after dialogue, the dialogue should have a comma beore the closing speech mark. So the above should read "It's hideous," Melissa said.

-Typo: "Cause of Mom's death, I guess."
....Should be 'Cos'.


Minor nitpicks aside, this shows a huge amount of imagination, good characterisation and an intriguing plot. I can definitely see it appealing to a YA audience.

All the best with it,

Ross

While the opening situation of the main character moving to a new town has been done, you make it unique through the mother's murder, and it's an instantly relatable experience for your target audience as most people have gone through this type of move at some point in their life.

Beyond that, Melissa's character is very easy to relate to as she comes into conflict with her stepfather and starts at a new school without any friends. I do think you can improve some of her dialogue, though, to make her sound a bit more like a teenager.

I love that you avoid unnecessary dialogue tags. The conversations flow smoothly as a result.

Nice twist with the scene change. "She had a secret..." As I mention below, though, I think the sentence could be tightened for greater impact. "Melissa was changing. She now had a secret no one would understand." Something like that.

The house is perfect for this novel; I like that she chooses the attic. Not only does it create many possibilities later in the novel, but it tells us quite a bit about her personality.

I like the e-mail. Maybe set it apart by indenting or italicizing or something?

The scene between Dawn, Jason, and Melissa is well done. However, in the very end you switch perspectives which doesn't work because we've been in Melissa's head pretty much the whole time. The switch in the last paragraph felt jarring.

Suggestions: There are a few sentences that I think would flow better if polished a bit. For example, "The moving van followed behind them like a hearse following a police escort." For one, we can assume all of her things are in the moving van, and the simile is more effective this way. Another example: "...her stepfather decided she should move in with him." Since we're already in Melissa's head, instead of "Melissa looked at her stepfather..." just show us with, "Her stepfather looked devastated." Simplify, simplify, simplify. The pace of your writing will improve greatly. I didn't find it realistic for her to say how her mother died. I would imagine it would be a difficult topic to discuss, and the way she bluntly says how she died tells me it's only there to tip-off the reader. I'd rewrite that. In fact, all of their discussions about the mother's death feel insensitive on their part. I don't think they would be this comfortable discussing it.

Typos: Should be, "the capital of..." The word "capitol" is used for the capitol building. That's it. Should be "Alicia and me." Should be: ..."on our way home," Melissa said. Make sure you review the punctuation in dialogue as there are a few issues in this.

This genre is highly marketable right now as readers are devouring this type of book. The set-up feels a bit like Twilight, so you might see how you can separate this from what is already out there. However, this is a solid start and promises to be an intriguing read!

This is not a genre I venture into often, but I have perused a few similar books since joining the site and I will say that this certainly seems to be on par with the best of them. You seem to capture the language for your target audience very well. It’s certainly YA and I don’t think it is something that would transcend the genre but that’s not a bad thing. Teenagers spend a lot on books so it’s certainly a good target audience to have.
I like both the short and long pitch. Snappy and to the point. Perhaps slightly cliché but again that’s perfect for your target reader. YA tend to stick to the tried and tested and you’ve nailed that.
Premise is really good, strong and yet magical at the same time.
Very likeable main character. Perhaps she’s slightly petulant but YA readers will easily see where she’s coming from.
You have an incredible imagine the shines through in every sentence and I found myself getting very drawn into this story.
Perhaps the odd repeated phrase or expression but that may have just happened in the writing as the mind raced to get all the action out sometimes words can get recycled in the hurry.
I really hope this does very well for you. Could easily see this as the start to a follow on series.
Janny :)

I really enjoyed this! The beginning captured my attention and then I was sucked in - I could barely stop reading. Great plot and characters. Backed and rated with pleasure.

Always enjoy Arthurian based books! :)

Ah man, that was so good and I liked how the characters come into play. They are full of wisdom and knowledge that makes them real-like. I hope this gets to be published soon because I want the book.

Penny
The Glass Serpent

Hey there, responding to your request for a read, mainly because your book reminds me of one that I (almost!) finished writing when I was sixteen years old, so I wanted to see what you'd come up with. Forgive me now, because I'm going to be harsh with you, but I think what I have to say may be helpful.

Your pitch is a little cliche, but since your target audience is YA that may not be a problem-- teenagers latch on to stuff like this. However, I certainly wouldn't say that Melissa meets an 'enchanting man'-- the word 'enchanting' makes me cringe and seeing as how they're in high school it seems inappropriate to be calling Jason a 'man'; regardless of how old he might be, if he's in highschool he's still going to be considered a boy. Teenage girls always talk about the hot 'boys' in their school-- never 'men' unless they're actually into older guys and willing to risk being jailbait. :) Also, 'magical land' makes me think of Dragon Tales and Puff the Magic Dragon, so you may want to consider a different adjective to describe this world of yours.

I've only read the first chapter, but your grasp of grammar is pretty good-- usually I can run through and easily find errors that make me cringe, but while you do have errors it's not something that detracts too much from the reading. You've written this in a style that will appeal to teenage audiences-- not so much to me, however, as Melissa seems just a bit too petulant, though I can understand where she's coming from-- but it's good.

One thing that you need to work on is the fact that you tend to repeat things-- redundancy detracts from the story. For example, you start off the scene with Mel and Glen by describing how Mel looks out the window at the passing Nevada landscape, and end by saying the same thing. And you tell us, at least two more times during the exchange, that Melissa is looking out the window. Your words should never be wasted-- always you should be giving new information rather than repeating something old.

Also, "She looked up from the ground and saw the most amazing sight she had ever seen in her entire life," is super redundant. You use the word 'see' at least three times in the one sentence. I'd reword it by saying something like, "She tilted her head up from the ground, her gaze alighting on the the most amazing-looking boy she'd ever seen." Or something like that.

You also use 'said' a lot after ending the quotes for a dialogue, which is unnecessary. Your characters should be distinct enough that we shouldn't need to be told who is saying what-- of course you can use 'Melissa said', but I feel that you're overdoing. Use those spaces between quotation marks to describe some sort of action that lends character to your MCs-- the rolling of a shoulder, a sigh.

For example, ' "Alright," Glen replied with a frown as he drove the car.'

We already know it's Glen talking-- no need to say so, and we already know he's driving the car. Say something like, ' "Alright," Glen frowned, but decided to focus his attention on the road rather than continue to argue.'

You also use 'he smiled' a heck of a lot in the scenes with Glen and Jason, which gets aggravating. The reader wants to see more than that, or they will think that's all these characters do.

You also need to work on your foreshadowing. You tell us what to wonder about, rather than allowing us to draw our own conclusions or figure out what we should be wondering about.

For example, when describing Jason you talk about the scars around his eyes and Melissa draws the conclusion for us that he must've had a rough childhood. Why do those scars mean he had a rough childhood? There isn't enough evidence to point us to that conclusion-- maybe he was just a really active kid, or had been in some kind of accident. Instead of telling us that he must've had a rough childhood, give us more evidence to suggest this in your description, or simply don't tell us at all. Some of us will come to other conclusions, others will come to Melissa's conclusion, but either way you've lent more mystery to the story, which is what compels readers to continue turning pages.

Then, ' "About a year ago, my parents got jobs at the school here so we packed up and moved." Jason said, but he didn't seem to smile as he said it, as if he was hiding something." ' Too many "said"s here, run on sentence, and you're telling us what to think. A thing to remember is that most of your readers are going to be intelligent people who can come to conclusions and figure this out-- or maybe they won't, and so when you finally reveal whatever he's hiding it will come as more of a surprise. Readers love to be surprised, so feel free to be subtle when you foreshadow-- if they're smart enough to follow your breadcrumb trail they'll feel rewarded when they get to the end, but if you leave whole slices of bread out they'll just roll their eyes and wonder where the fun is in reading your tale. I personally hate it when I make guesses and the entire story turns out to be exactly as I guessed-- it's a sign of unoriginality on the author's part, in my opinion (excuse my bitterness here, but when I read Eldest that's exactly what happened and after waiting so long for the book to come out I was disappointed. I don't want that to happen to your book!).

Okay, so that's what I've got to say about your writing style-- there are more instances of what I pointed out other than the specific examples I gave, but I will leave you to find them.

As for characters and scenes:

What's up with Melissa being all timid around Jason? According to your story she's had boyfriends before, and she's also the daughter of a cop, so she should have enough spine to recover herself after walking into a locker, no matter how embarrassing. You picture her here as withdrawn, and while that makes some sense seeing as how she has physical abnormalities, I think you could ease up on that.

And as for the physical abnormalities, why hasn't she done anything about them? In this day and age it's not very widely accepted for someone to have pointed ears and strange hair coloring-- surely there would have been lots of testing, articles published in medical journals and such-like that would have spread the word about her to some extent-- even years later adults would still equate her features with 'that girl in the news so long ago' or something. And it seems she doesn't relish the attention, so why wouldn't she use latex to disguise her ears and hair dye to cover up the streaks?

Why wouldn't Jason help her with her books? It seems very out-of-character since you've pictured him as being sensitive in the rest of your story-- plus he has a personal interest, having been looking for her.

Also, teenagers in general come with walls, especially a teenager who's gone through the trauma of her mother's death. The intimacy that springs up between her and Jason comes way too quickly, making it unrealistic. Melissa has barely met him and she's already telling him her secrets and ready to cry in front of him-- which as a teenage girl I would never want to do in front of a boy I liked, so soon!

I'm sorry if I came off too harsh, but I think that if you fix these things that your story will be much improved. I know that I've given you a lot to think about, but just let me know if you have any questions about what I've said. And also keep in mind that I'm not a professional, just one of many readers who is taking the next step up to become a writer. You can feel free to throw out anything I've said if you truly disagree. But as I gather you are trying to improve your book, I've given you my advice to that end.

Good luck!

Jasmine
To Catch a Falling Angel

Magical Journey
Fiction, fantasy, 3rd multiple

When a young girl's mother dies, she's taken by her step dad to Ely Nevada where she meets the most intriguing guy. Eventually she discovers that she is an elf.

I've read through Chapter 2 and found the story to be entertaining and the writing is pretty good.

Mechanics, a number of punctuation errors esp w/ dialog. "This is said, (comma)" she (lowercase) said. A good copy editor can easily correct these issues.

I think the premise is quite compelling and it would have wide readership. The plot is engaging and the hooks at the ends of the chapters (so far) are good.

The MC is good! Really very good and believable! I really like the characterizaton of the teen who isn't happy with the circumstances that have taken her into Podunk town! (I love that expression too).

As JD Regan mentions below, there are some things that need tweeking and I think the plot could be streamlined somewhat. There are places where the narrator takes over with telling, as opposed to showing. It's a very good start, though.

POV: for the most part, the POV stays soundly with the MC. At the end of the first chapter, it jumps abruptly into another character's pov. That was a little unsettling. I got a little confused in reading about the gym fight. In a small school, Dawn would know everyone's name. Does she have special powers of hearing?

Overall, I think this is a very good start to a good book that will have wide readership.
Raechel
Echo

Magical Journey
Fiction, fantasy, 3rd multiple

When a young girl's mother dies, she's taken by her step dad to Ely Nevada where she meets the most intriguing guy. Eventually she discovers that she is an elf.

I've read through Chapter 2 and found the story to be entertaining and the writing is pretty good.

Mechanics, a number of punctuation errors esp w/ dialog. "This is said, (comma)" she (lowercase) said. A good copy editor can easily correct these issues.

I think the premise is quite compelling and it would have wide readership. The plot is engaging and the hooks at the ends of the chapters (so far) are good.

The MC is good! Really very good and believable! I really like the characterizaton of the teen who isn't happy with the circumstances that have taken her into Podunk town! (I love that expression too).

As JD Regan mentions below, there are some things that need tweeking and I think the plot could be streamlined somewhat. There are places where the narrator takes over with telling, as opposed to showing. It's a very good start, though.

POV: for the most part, the POV stays soundly with the MC. At the end of the first chapter, it jumps abruptly into another character's pov. That was a little unsettling. I got a little confused in reading about the gym fight. In a small school, Dawn would know everyone's name. Does she have special powers of hearing?

Overall, I think this is a very good start to a good book that will have wide readership.
Raechel
Echo

Hi Terri

I have to admit a little bit of confusion in your first chapter. It is well written and is flowing well but there are a few things that could do with a little tweeking. First of all, what is Mel's condition? You tell us that she has purple and black hair but not why. Same goes with why she can't eat meat. It just needs to be fleshed out a bit (excuse the pun). I was a bit confused with Jason's introduction. Was he the one watching her or is this another Jason. Also sometimes your dialogue is out. When to people are speaking the reader assumes who is replying based on who spoke first. for example:

“City girl, how fun.” Jason laughed.
“Guilty as charged… The one thing I will miss most is the malls and hanging out with my friends.” (Mel)
“I am sure you will make new friends.” (Jason)
“Haven’t you already made one?” (Mel)
“I guess I have.” Melissa smiled at him as she popped a piece of apple into her mouth.

the other thing that confused me was the following:

“Ahhh… I see,” Dawn laughed. “Preying on the new girl already.”
“I don’t prey on girls, Dawn.” Jason defended himself.
“Oh really, and how is it that I am the only teenage girl in this small town that you haven’t taken out on a date?”
“I just haven’t found the right one.” Jason shrugged, as he put a piece of banana into his mouth.
Melissa sighed and grabbed her bag.

What Dawn implies is that Jason is a serial dater yet Jason's reply states that he is holding out for the right girl before going out on a date.

We also need more info on the mother's death. The pace is a little too fast meaning that you are rushing the exposition just alittle bit. This has bags of potential that with the right tweeking, would make these a superb book. Good start and I look forward to reading more.

JD

A great opening chapter which really sets the scene and establishes the main characters well. Mel is an intriguing character from the offset and I am sure she will grow and develop through the story. You have a good flow to your writing which makes it very easy to read.
I really enjoyed what I read
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

So pleased to see that this is complete. I'm going to note it down on my profile page as a recommended complete story, and come back to it myself, purely for my own enjoyment.
Like every other story on here, there are imperfections, but remember this is just one person's opinion, and you listen or ignore as you choose. Now I haven't got to the point where you further explain Melissa's mother's death, but gang bangers? In Australian slang, a gang bang is when the local slut takes on the football team. Not like gang rape, but by choice. I doubt if it fits.
A very minor point, - second day at school, would Melissa know whether a teacher was a substitute?
Being knocked over, three times in three chapters. I think this is a little over-used, and maybe you should change one of those incidents.
A few typos, which I'll put in a separate message.
Summary: a very entertaining story. I like it very much. To be backed, Marj.

Terri -

Magical Journey: The Dark Realm - I like the story, good tension there between Melissa and her father, and I like the dialogue although there are instances that could do with sharpening. In the para starting with ... 'What do you mean?' ... I don't understand the second speech-line. Unless necessary, why not leave it and continue with ... We found her like that on our way home. Alicia told the cops ... And omit the repetition of 'Melissa' since it is clear she is the one talking. I hope you don't mind sharing a thought on the very first paragraph. Could you avoid the 'looking out', just an idea... The Nevada landcape passed by in a blur. Melissa thougth of the moving van following her father's cadillac ... and maybe bring Melissa's feelings in early, like ... she resented the move from .... You're getting into the swing later on. A promising YA story, so I rate this well for now. Best success, Pia

This is an enchanting story, I love the way you start with the car journey and the difficult relationship between Melissa and her stepfather and then we reach the house and it does sound like something from a fairytale. This is just the kind of book I love and I executed very well. Excellent. Backed.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

I have read your entire story and I have a few constructive points to dish out.

1. You have a good storyline but there are at certain points parts that do not flow. For example when the Jason, Dawn and Melissa were in the fire engine I felt that it was a bit difficult to follow. I could tell that the scene was meant to be tense and panicked because one of Alvins men was driving but what I got was a frenzy of action that took too long to get over before they got out. Just be careful when to add panic and calm situations. If it helps, role play your scene. I do this and find that things I have written just don't work out the same...makes it easier to spot a flaw.

2. You started off your story at a good pace but the meeting between Jason and Melissa is just way too fast. This is something you can afford to play out. It will also allow the reader to connect more to the characters.

3. Try to be more subtle with Melissa's memory issue. You also give out way too many hints and keep too many pieces of information hidden which the reader may actually find rather annoying.

4. Just minor grammer and spelling (dont worry too much about this, I am the same)

You have a fantastic idea and feel free to ignore the above points but I don't want to see this book be held back. You have a fantastic imagination and that is to be praised.
There is a lot more you can do to make it seem more real and there is definately more you can do to get the reader to fully connect with the characters which I have always maintained is an important aspect of any book. Think carefully about when to describe your surroundings and character appearance. This is important for Young Adults, it keeps them focused and gives them a mental image to think about.

I understand that this is probably not a comment you wanted to hear (I have plenty like this, its not fun) but as I have stated in my profile, I am not here to gush fantastic words of praise (unless I truly cannot find anything to pick at), I am here to offer my thoughts on what may be holding your book back. I will be keeping your book on my watchlist and I look forward to keeping up to date with your progress. If you make any changes and would like me to take a look then I will do.
I would also like to recommend the Author of Hydromancer. Find him on this site or in my friends list. He is 16 so is a potential target reader for your young adult group. It would be good to get feedback from your target audience.

All the best

Lesley-Ann (Ezeldren Spirit of Ezereth) x

I have read your entire story and I have a few constructive points to dish out.

1. You have a good storyline but there are at certain points parts that do not flow. For example when the Jason, Dawn and Melissa were in the fire engine I felt that it was a bit difficult to follow. I could tell that the scene was meant to be tense and panicked because one of Alvins men was driving but what I got was a frenzy of action that took too long to get over before they got out. Just be careful when to add panic and calm situations. If it helps, role play your scene. I do this and find that things I have written just don't work out the same...makes it easier to spot a flaw.

2. You started off your story at a good pace but the meeting between Jason and Melissa is just way too fast. This is something you can afford to play out. It will also allow the reader to connect more to the characters.

3. Try to be more subtle with Melissa's memory issue. You also give out way too many hints and keep too many pieces of information hidden which the reader may actually find rather annoying.

4. Just minor grammer and spelling (dont worry too much about this, I am the same)

You have a fantastic idea and feel free to ignore the above points but I don't want to see this book be held back. You have a fantastic imagination and that is to be praised.
There is a lot more you can do to make it seem more real and there is definately more you can do to get the reader to fully connect with the characters which I have always maintained is an important aspect of any book. Think carefully about when to describe your surroundings and character appearance. This is important for Young Adults, it keeps them focused and gives them a mental image to think about.

I understand that this is probably not a comment you wanted to hear (I have plenty like this, its not fun) but as I have stated in my profile, I am not here to gush fantastic words of praise (unless I truly cannot find anything to pick at), I am here to offer my thoughts on what may be holding your book back. I will be keeping your book on my watchlist and I look forward to keeping up to date with your progress. If you make any changes and would like me to take a look then I will do.
I would also like to recommend the Author of Hydromancer. Find him on this site or in my friends list. He is 16 so is a potential target reader for your young adult group. It would be good to get feedback from your target audience.

All the best

Lesley-Ann (Ezeldren Spirit of Ezereth) x

Really good process! I definitely see where you're going and you're first chapter has good hooks in it. Personally, I could have used a tad more description, and you want to go over the use of quotations again, i.e. comma to close quotations. Like: "I don't prey on girls, Dawn," Jason defended himself.
A good mantra I also use is to have dialogue and description in equal amounts. But, overall a really good story and has a lot of promise. Congrats on the word count! Feels pretty good to scale the mountain and reach the top!

Chapter 2. My daughter wanted me to continue reading your story to her because she thinks it's cool. By the end of chapter 2 she asked for more, so I will read her 3 another night. She's annoyed that I'm not reading it straight away, which shows your story is aimed perfectly for her age group.

She likes your characters and storyline. She finds Jason a little weird, but still likes him. Maybe it's the use of words such as calling Melissa "Dove." But she doesn't think it's a bad thing, it just makes him quirky. In relation to editing, as said in my previous comments I'd take out a lot of the dialogue tags, and be careful of repeating the same word in close proximity. eg. Melissa smiled and headed into the house with a smile. **take out "with a smile" as you've already said she smiled.

That's all for now. Well done for continuing to keep my daughter's interest. Kind regards, Marita.

I think there are lots of, "he whispered, she shrugged, he called, he smiled, Dawn said, he shrugged, he smiled.....", I found them too much, let's see what others tell you.
"Meat?" "Oh I did not know your doctor said you should not eat meat." is not beleivable.
"She was a great cop." "Yeah but her problem was that she did not call for backup on time." the author is trying to let us know why the mother had died, out of place, and not natural. The meeting of Melissa with Jason in the school is too soon, not natural. The dialogues between Melissa, Dawn and Jason, needs to be look at again and make it more natural and beleivable. Getting Melissa into Glen's life seems like a set up that the author tries to make up a later story of Jason and Melissa, not natural, that is why the dialougues between Glen and Mellisa are too superfacial and unnatural. Try to write from your heart, then things will come up natural and beleivable, otherwise the reader will sense that you are setting them up for another story that will follow. I know that is how we write, but we need to be real to ourselves and then everything will follow nicely. I wish you the best of luck and lots of happiness. Please let me know when you bring changes, I might look at it again. Thanks.

My daughter liked your story. She liked Dawn's character the best, but also thought Melissa and Jason were good characters. The difference with Melissa's hair and ears was a nice touch. She also found some of the things Melissa said to her stepfather funny, eg. not to talk to her until she graduated. Good sense of humor.

You've set up the early stages of a romance between Melissa and Jason nicely. I only have one suggestion and it's in relation to your dialogue. You don't need to have all the dialogue tags, eg. she whispered, she said, etc. The reader will know who's speaking if it's in order, plus taking these out will make the dialogue flow better. Other than this chapter 1 is a nice start. Message me if you want to ask anything in relation to my comments - Marita.

This story is really under way! I really like your characters, especially Melissa and Jason. The portal you describe with the two trees connecting is awesome. I like the premise of the story and the beginning sounds just like any teenager would act under similar circumstances. You do a good job capturing the characters in their speech. I cannot wait to read on and see what this new world has in store for your characters! Keep on writing, you are very talented! This is certainly my type of book (love fantasy!). I am backing your book and starring it. :)

S.
In the Depths of Shadows

Wow- this is super! You have been blessed with a gifted imagination and somehow through talented writing have been able to set this book apart from others like it that saturate the reader's market these days. I can easily see this published so Im backing it for a few days.

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

You are totally fantastic, Terri!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because I'm #5 on the editor's desk & have to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of January :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 10 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Dear Terri, I love Jason taking Melissa to a magical planet & her having to "defend the planet from an evil warlord bent on controlling her & everything around her," as your pitch portrays. :) I love that Melissa made friends with Jason right away when she moved to Ely to her step-father's house & love that she ended up being, "Lady of the Lake" & he "Jastonio" - this made me smile really big :) - plus, I just love "happily ever after" endings. :) I hope that you will write many more enchanting books. :) I have read, commented on, & put your book on my watchlist to back more than 24 hours when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book - could you please ****** mine, too? :) Thank you so very much for backing my memoirs/testimony book. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing-more-than-24-hours & the longer on our bookshelves, the more they move up :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted & is written arduously my best from my heart, as I'm sure your book is, too. :)

Terri,
Magical Journeys: The Dark Realm has great appeal to young adults with the teenaged romance and the fantasy elements. I think you could put some more description of the most beautiful house Melissa has ever seen. The reader is left wondering what's so beautiful about it. Is the architectural style one Melissa is familiar with and why does she consider it so beautiful? I love the note from Jason where he refers to her as my lovely Dove. I noticed his phone number is in the note. The problem with putting that in the note is that it could be someone's phone number in real life and they would receive numerous nuisance calls. Imagine how you would feel if you found your own phone number in a published novel. You could simply inform the reader that he left his number at the bottom without putting the number in print so the reader could call it. The awkward way in which they meet is so teenaged it's wonderful. I look forward to seeing more and experiencing the magnificent fantasy elements in this fine story. I've rated it with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Thanks for the advice. I will certainly take that into consideration. I have the book finished but I was unsure of how much I should put up here. Seeing your response I think I might put up the whole thing to see what people think.

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it - read & commented on 3 hours later :)

Terri,
Magical Journeys: The Dark Realm has great appeal to young adults with the teenaged romance and the fantasy elements. I think you could put some more description of the most beautiful house Melissa has ever seen. The reader is left wondering what's so beautiful about it. Is the architectural style one Melissa is familiar with and why does she consider it so beautiful? I love the note from Jason where he refers to her as my lovely Dove. I noticed his phone number is in the note. The problem with putting that in the note is that it could be someone's phone number in real life and they would receive numerous nuisance calls. Imagine how you would feel if you found your own phone number in a published novel. You could simply inform the reader that he left his number at the bottom without putting the number in print so the reader could call it. The awkward way in which they meet is so teenaged it's wonderful. I look forward to seeing more and experiencing the magnificent fantasy elements in this fine story. I've rated it with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story