Below

New cover to follow...

WANTED - honest opinions on a fantasy story that happens to include vampires!

I've done a little re-working of the first chapter, hopefully improving the access to the story.

Happy reading!

enjoyed reading and added to my watchlist to read at a later date. wondered if you would peek at my book and give me some feedback r/t us being in similiar genres. thanks.
kendra ziems/autumn lullaby

This is a gripping read. Great details and a tremendous sense of carrying over the character's fear into the reader. I like that you don't spell out the plot and just let it fall into place as the action advances. My only question is what type of food did they serve Cass and Cam went they went below? I'm guessing it was pretty strange.

Vampire novels are a crowded field so it takes a lot to stand out. The plot isn't exactly unique, but the writing is great and that's the most important part.

I'm happy to back this.

Brian
Mute

Andrea,
Cassandra has very unusual taste in men and Cameron is unlike anyone I've ever known, though his name reminds me of a famous movie producer from Canada. Below is very imaginative even for a vampire tale. I've rated it with six stars and continue to stand back in awe of the writers who come up with these strange tales.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Thanks very much, Cat. I appreciate your time.

Andrea
"Below"

I don't usually do vampires. This one caught my attention though. Backed and rated.

Cat
Twisted
Lies & Love

I don't usually do vampires. This one caught my attention though. Backed and rated.

Cat
Twisted
Lies & Love

Andrea,
I didn't concentrate on any editing this time, I just wanted to enjoy the story. I think there may have been a couple of typos in chapter twenty, but nothing major.
I think this was my favourite chapter so far. I liked learning about the Yama and their ways. I think you have woven this aspect into your story beautifully.
Of course, being the soppy romantic that I am, I loved how Cass is finally admitting her true feelings. This just makes the story more and more complex. I can see how you could write a sequel.
Alexandra is such a good baddy, she doesn't have any endearing qualities at all.
Now i'm wondering about Cam's reaction to the whole thing, he seems to have been a passive player until now.
Curiouser and curiouser!! But I'm happy to wait to buy the book. Let me know when its out.
Cheers Jacoba

Thanks for all your hard work for me, Jacoba. I can only say that you would be pleased with the way the story progresses! And I'm glad I've managed to lead the reader successfully in the right direction.

I have some time today to do some reading, so will look at more of your chapters.

Andrea

Hi Andrea,
I read up to chapter nineteen. I'm savouring the last one, since there isn't any more after that.
You'll be happy to know I only noticed one typo in all seven chapters.
I think you have such an intriquet and great story here.
I'm wondering about Cass???....me thinks she is in love with Mal and doesn't know it. She seems more drawn to him than Cam. I know you haven't focussed on their romance at all, but it just appears that she's a little indifferent to him, almost like the feelings you have for a friend, not someone your passionately in love with.
I really liked the Above chapters, where we got to here Mal's history and the ettiquete regarding the vampire law.
Overall, great job, will be back to finish.
Cheers Jacoba.
PS. I liked the inclusion of Jacobs Creek and the kangaroo paw.

Chapter nineteen.
...did you have sex with Daniella? (have instead of had)

Hi Andrea,
I read up to chapter nineteen. I'm savouring the last one, since there isn't any more after that.
You'll be happy to know I only noticed one typo in all seven chapters.
I think you have such an intriquet and great story here.
I'm wondering about Cass???....me thinks she is in love with Mal and doesn't know it. She seems more drawn to him than Cam. I know you haven't focussed on their romance at all, but it just appears that she's a little indifferent to him, almost like the feelings you have for a friend, not someone your passionately in love with.
I really liked the Above chapters, where we got to here Mal's history and the ettiquete regarding the vampire law.
Overall, great job, will be back to finish.
Cheers Jacoba.
PS. I liked the inclusion of Jacobs Creek and the kangaroo paw.

Chapter nineteen.
...did you have sex with Daniella? (have instead of had)

Great! Just what I hoped! An, oh yeah, Alex pushed her! But it doesn't end there...

I'm writing from Australia too, Adelaide to be precise! (I just read your page rather than going to your book - still learning the site!).

Andrea

Andrea,
Wow!! Very impactful for the beginning of your story.
One question, and this could be my stupidity shining through again, but does Alexandra push her off, or does she lose her balance and fall??
I see you've decided to put more up will come back and read the later chapters. I think this beginning is the large hook you need to engage the readers, well done. Cheers Jacoba

Nice twist on the vampire genre with a multilayered story that kept my attention, good descriptive and images let it play in the readers head

Andrea,
Wow!! Very impactful for the beginning of your story.
One question, and this could be my stupidity shining through again, but does Alexandra push her off, or does she lose her balance and fall??
I see you've decided to put more up will come back and read the later chapters. I think this beginning is the large hook you need to engage the readers, well done. Cheers Jacoba

Hi there

Thanks a lot for all your help! I appreciate your time.

I have finished writing "Below" and am working on a sequel. I don't know if I'll release any more onto Authonomy but it depends on the reaction by readers! I will certainly not be putting the whole novel up because why would anyone buy it if it was printed?! (I've already come across a couple of people who are readers rather than writers and regulars to the site.)

Thanks
Andrea

Finished reading to the end of chapter twelve.
I really liked chapter twelve, starts to bring it all together and answered many of my unanswered questions. I only noticed a couple of sentences that probably need rewording. Are you putting more up, or leaving us all in suspense so we won't know until we buy the published novel. A good marketing ploy on your part!! Cheers Jacoba

Curious, she looked at Sah, who had kept well out of the skirmish. She tried to sit up, cautious of the pain, only to lie back down again finding it impossible.

He went without another word, leaving her to her physical discomfort and to wonder at all the sights on all sides as well as her otherwise anxious thoughts.

Finished reading to the end of chapter twelve.
I really liked chapter twelve, starts to bring it all together and answered many of my unanswered questions. I only noticed a couple of sentences that probably need rewording. Are you putting more up, or leaving us all in suspense so we won't know until we buy the published novel. A good marketing ploy on your part!! Cheers Jacoba

Curious, she looked at Sah, who had kept well out of the skirmish. She tried to sit up, cautious of the pain, only to lie back down again finding it impossible.

He went without another word, leaving her to her physical discomfort and to wonder at all the sights on all sides as well as her otherwise anxious thoughts.

Sorry about that - I had upload problems with a couple of chapters and that errpor sneaked through! Thanks Jacoba. Should be correct now.

Hope to do more on your book during the weekedn. :)

Andrea

Andrea,
Just to let you know chapter seven has been uploaded twice, its chapter nine as well. I don't want to read on and ruin the story until you've uploaded the correct chapter. Let me know when you've fixed the problem and I will read on. I want to know what happens!! Jacoba

Andrea,
Just to let you know chapter seven has been uploaded twice, its chapter nine as well. I don't want to read on and ruin the story until you've uploaded the correct chapter. Let me know when you've fixed the problem and I will read on. I want to know what happens!! Jacoba

Dear Andrea,
Chapter 8
I love this macabre of idea of a party for blood donors for vampires. How weirdly intriguing.
This was well written, only a couple of notes. Just suggestions as always, but there was one typo.

Maybe break the first sentence into two.
...expensive champagne that had been left for her. It busily effervesenced while she sat rigid in an attempt not to chew her manicured nails that she'd paid a hefty price for, not something she usually did.

His grey eyes and cock-eyed smiled, calmed her. She could sense his support and squeezed his arm in gratitude.

She had to laugh.

gotten that vitriol off her chest... ( off instead of of)

Mal didn't hang around to watch her eat, he really had a problem with the idea of solid food as nourishment.

Dear Andrea,
Pick, pick away. I appreciate the time your taking and its those little edits that often aggravate readers and possibly editors ( I wish!!) Any major things that spring out, let me know. I'm pretty thick skinned these days and I really believe in my story and would like to send it out, by making it the best it can be. I've agonised over the first book for many months, the other two just seemed to flow as the story progresses and I know my characters so well. Anway, same goes for you, if you'd like me to stop with the nit picks I can, but I'll definitely finish reading to know what happens. Cheers Jacoba

Thank you very much, I appreciate your backing! Sounds like you're in a beautiful, relaxed place - hope you have plenty more nice evenings!
Andrea

Backed Below. I love vampire stories. I am not an author but love to escape reality by reading. Weekend at big Cedar Lodge in Branson, Missouri, glass of Riesling, logs on the fire, and a scary book is my idea of a good time. Your book was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. Read, liked, star rated, and backed. Hope you will find a place on your shelf for their book.
Kat51

Backed Below. I love vampire stories. I am not an author but love to escape reality by reading. Weekend at big Cedar Lodge in Branson, Missouri, glass of Riesling, logs on the fire, and a scary book is my idea of a good time. Your book was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. Read, liked, star rated, and backed. Hope you will find a place on your shelf for their book.
Kat51

Finished the next chapter.
Hope the comments keep being helpful. I like Asha, very exotic character, has a nice feel about him, I hope he doesn't turn out to be bad.

Just one overall comment on the use of the word 'that' might want to crop a few out, normally there not necessary and can help to tighten the sentence structure when removed.

Sah replied in his own language.
Cass understood his implication and annoyed she retorted, 'I am not!
Both of them looked at her with complete surprise.
"I am not a spy for Alexandra...that's what you said, isn't it?'

Not sure if this question 'As he has so far?' should be 'And has he so far?'

...Guardian was there, advising her to be cautious but confirming she could trust Asha. Portraying him as Water, using a tone which held an unusual quality of excitement. ( not sure if this is quite right, but I think you might want to re word this sentence.)

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Jacoba!

I've taken your wonderful criticisms to heart and have looked at chapter 4 and 6 and made quite a lot of changes to ch 6 especially. Hopefully it makes more sense now!

Authonomy was being too slow to use for most of tonight, so I'll continue with yours tomorrow, all being well.

Thanks again
Andrea

Andrea,
Some more comments on chapter 6. All technical and only suggestions. The story is really good. I'm getting into the above ground, below ground concept. An interesting way to tell your story. I don't think I've seen anyone use this technique before. Just the kind of originality that might capture a prospective publisher. Good thinking!!
Have made comments or adjusted sentence structure.
Not sure about your opening sentence for chapter six. It seems disjointed, not sure what your trying to say exactly. There needs to be a connection with her being at the mansion, rather than just stated.

"It's as obvious to us, as seeing subtleties in colour must be to you, being an artist.

"He seemed surprised a smile of delight twitching on his lips. She didn't know why , she just hoped she hadn't signed her own death warrant.

Andrea,
Some more comments on chapter 6. All technical and only suggestions. The story is really good. I'm getting into the above ground, below ground concept. An interesting way to tell your story. I don't think I've seen anyone use this technique before. Just the kind of originality that might capture a prospective publisher. Good thinking!!
Have made comments or adjusted sentence structure.
Not sure about your opening sentence for chapter six. It seems disjointed, not sure what your trying to say exactly. There needs to be a connection with her being at the mansion, rather than just stated.

"It's as obvious to us, as seeing subtleties in colour must be to you, being an artist.

"He seemed surprised a smile of delight twitching on his lips. She didn't know why , she just hoped she hadn't signed her own death warrant.

You are a good action writer, I was thoroughly absorbed and disgusted. Like I said before this is no Twilight novel. It is a much more sinister and gruesome portrayal. More realistic in the sense that it portrays vampires in the way I think they should be portrayed. I'm not quite sure of a couple of things. One is her comment about how she lost respect for Alexandra. I'm not sure about this. Did she respect or fear her?? Respect is usually earnt and I'm not sure that she had been around her long enough to respect her??
Another is the description of the bedroom in the opening paragraph, could it read ' ...a patchwork quilt made from a number of luxurious and exotic fabrics." "Beautiful just seems a bit bland.
The last is a minor detail, I think with Sevius maybe this would make more sense:
" She is more than the leader of the vampire clan"
"Oh?"
He didn't offer any further explanations. It was clear he didn't intend to elaborate.
Otherwise good job. Will read more tomorrow. Cheers Jacoba

Andrea,
I liked this chapter. She sure is tough. I like that about her.
Just a couple of editing glitches you may consider:
Can you get rid of some of the 'hers' in some sentences it seems overused.
The opening to the chapter I would suggest you either get rid of the spider comment or link it to her thoughts, it seems to stand out on its own for no reason. Maybe "Spiders like cellars. I don't."
Great ending, I love the way he changed tack, and I literally felt her pain melt away with your description. Great writing. Will keep on reading, I am enjoying it.

Dear Andrea,
Thanks for the comments on Reflections. I have read on to the end of chapter three, and I can now appreciate where you are going with the story and the plot is making more sense to me. I really enjoyed the third chapter when you introduce Alexandra, I like the way you have used her to give the info I was seeking at the beginning of the book. I am certainly now drawn into the story more than I was at the beginning. Once again you write very well and use believable and exciting dialogue. The character of Mal sounds like a complex and intriguing one, more of which I'm sure you explore later on.
I, like many others admittedly enjoyed the Twilight series, and this seems a much more real and sinister portrayal of vampires which I think was slightly lacking in the forementioned series of books. You are weaving a unique blend in the social network of how they operate leaving the reader wanting to find out more. I will continue to read and will put on my watchlist. Best of luck. Jacoba.

Thanks Abi
Never let anyone put you off, mother or not! Have faith in yourself and keep writing, knowing you'll improve if you work at it!

Below -
This is pretty good. It's full of mystery and intrigue, and another gem in the fantasy genre. You develop your characters to a good depth. I've found a few minor punctual errors, but nothing that can't be sorted out with a quick read through and edit. You maintain a strong pace and flow throught. Your plot is captivating, and i will come back and finish the last few chapters later. Love it!
watchlisted for now!
abi

Thanks - good to hear! Rest assured, I've never been to Malibu! Must be a doppelganger!
Andrea

Andrea,
Below is a chilling and captivating read. I especially like your descriptions of Cameron who reminds me of a famous movie producer in Malibu. This is sure to enchant readers of vampire tales. Rated with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Hi Jacoba
Thanks for the comments. I'm just wondering how far you got with the reading or if I'd muddled you too much to continue after a couple of pages?
There's quite a lot of back-fill in my story taking the form of Cass' past dealings with vampires and her present predicament. It's the type of style that might take getting used to and might put off some readers. If you'd like to read more, I'd arppreciate your input.
Many thanks. Andrea

Andrea I think you have the makings of a good story here.
You have obviously spent a lot of time working out your fantasy world and the characters in it.
My only concern is the amount of information and characters in the first chapter, I really felt like I couldn't get a grasp on who was who and what was happening then and in the past. Perhaps revealing more of this fantasy world at a slower pace might make it possible to retain more readers attention.
I have no doubt that lovers of this kind of genre will become immersed in your story, i just think you might captiviate other readers if the pace was slowed a little and more in depth detail was revealed to explain some of the characters better. I felt like it was difficult to grasp any of them properly, and at times wondered if this was a sequel rather than an opening to your story.
The writing and dialogue are good and you write very vivid descriptions allowing the reader to get a good sense of the setting. I really like the idea of your world being 'below', and diving below water in the caves to get there. You captured this very well. I hope my comments are useful. Best of luck Jacoba Dorothy.

Andrea I think you have the makings of a good story here.
You have obviously spent a lot of time working out your fantasy world and the characters in it.
My only concern is the amount of information and characters in the first chapter, I really felt like I couldn't get a grasp on who was who and what was happening then and in the past. Perhaps revealing more of this fantasy world at a slower pace might make it possible to retain more readers attention.
I have no doubt that lovers of this kind of genre will become immersed in your story, i just think you might captiviate other readers if the pace was slowed a little and more in depth detail was revealed to explain some of the characters better. I felt like it was difficult to grasp any of them properly, and at times wondered if this was a sequel rather than an opening to your story.
The writing and dialogue are good and you write very vivid descriptions allowing the reader to get a good sense of the setting. I really like the idea of your world being 'below', and diving below water in the caves to get there. You captured this very well. I hope my comments are useful. Best of luck Jacoba Dorothy.

Thank you for your great comments so far, fine people, I hope to return the favour very soon!

Please let me know any errors you spot. I've also been struggling with capitalisation of titles, so any tips would be hugely appreciated.

Thanks again, Andrea

Dear Andrea, I love Cass' dilemma of continuing, as she had been kidnapped & tortured, bonded with her lover Cameron who she was in lust with, wondering if she should become a vampire herself, or even survive, with Alexandra being her enemy, as your pitch portrayed. :) The way you started chapter 1 with "12 days earlier" was good to get a starting point & Cameron needing permission from Alexandra to marry Cass excited me, as I'm sure it did her, but by the end of chapter 1, I was concerned. :) Your adventurous story & your tight paragraphs & dialogue moved me right through chapter 12 & I was glad that Cameron was The Leader in Alex's absence. :) I have read, commented on & will back your book when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing-more-than-24-hours & the longer on our bookshelves, the more they move up :) - click on author's name, scroll down their profile page & click on their book cover or title & their book will come up, then ****** & back the book :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted & is written arduously my best from my heart, as I'm sure your book is, too. :)

Andrea,
Below is a chilling and captivating read. I especially like your descriptions of Cameron who reminds me of a famous movie producer in Malibu. This is sure to enchant readers of vampire tales. Rated with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it - read & commented on 1 hour later :)

A new take on the vampire myth; very imaginative. Very well-written. You set the scene beautifully from the outset and I love the fact that it takes place in Yorkshire! This genre is so popular now and this book ought to do very well.

carol
The Lorestone.

This is excellent writing so far. I think this stands out amongst books of it's nature and maybe a more catchy cover would then attract nine out of ten readers to grab from the shelf because the title and content are superb! Backed for a few days.

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

Below -
This is pretty good. It's full of mystery and intrigue, and another gem in the fantasy genre. You develop your characters to a good depth. I've found a few minor punctual errors, but nothing that can't be sorted out with a quick read through and edit. You maintain a strong pace and flow throught. Your plot is captivating, and i will come back and finish the last few chapters later. Love it!
watchlisted for now!
abi