Losing Michael Malone

I read Authonomy 2-4.

General comments: An engaging start. Well etched characters. Vivid descriptions. Thought-provoking narrative. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on preface:
1) 'Those that solemnly arrived brought ... ' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people. There are more cases of this type of problem in the material I read.

Specific comments on Part One: Passion:
1) No nits.

Specific comments on New Story: Abernath the Forgotten:
1) 'Today's my fifth day here in Moonlight Prisons, inc.' Capitalize 'inc.'
2) "We've got some good time 'fore lights out." Barney chimed. Comma after 'out.' 'Barnet chimed' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation). There are more cases of this type of problem.
3) 'But sitting their silent never occurred to me.' 'Their' should be 'there.'
4) 'I felt teas coming to my eyes.' 'Teas' should be 'tears.'
5) "LIGHTS OUT, MY FRIENDS." No need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics to emphasize words.
6) "Lovin' these biscuits, I tell you that much." He bellowed. Comma after 'much' and 'He' should be lowercase. 'He bellowed' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma and the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name). There are more cases of this type of problem.

I hope this critique will help you polish your all important first chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for shelving "Savannah Fire."

Happy writing.

Al

LOSING MICHAEL MALONE

Enticing pitch. I have starred the manuscript on that basis alone.
Will back it when I get space on my too small bookshelf.
A zoomer

Nicholas,

I read the 5 chapters you posted and here are my two cents worth:
Since you post it only few chapters I assume you are interested in a critique of the style rather than climbing the ranks

So let me oblige:

There are several things working here:

Fist the athmosphere. I don't know where do you come from but, by the accent in athmosphere, it seems to me that you influences come from the Latin American magical realists. There is that reveling in the detailing of place not so much in a descriptive manner, as an aglo saxon writer would, but in the emotional manner (i.e "dead leaves begging....") that Latin American writers do, specially Garcia Marques, Isabel Allende and Jorge Amado.

That kind of animated athmosphere is uniquely Latin American

There is also the phase and emphasis on telling rather and showing which again is not an Anglo-saxon phase but more in the tradition of European and Latin American writers.

All of that works well.

Some of my favorites:

"acidity to the rain"

"the blackness of the collective shadow...." nice

"each snow flake melted...."

"I was my own puppet"

Its hard to say anything else on the first 3 chapters since they are so short, and the plot moves at a leisurely phase.

Chas 4 &5 appear to be an effort at sci fi. The problem here is that what works so well in the previous genre doesn't work equally well we you translate it into a different genre (I mean what could be more athmospheric than a funeral) .

That is, sci fi operates under different guidelines. I am advising several sci fi writers in this site, so feel free to go through my comment section because most of my comments there apply to you as well.

On the other hand I am reluctant to criticize it because buried in there, is some of your best writing:

"That night, I tried to file......"

"When I woke up....

"No time adhered.....

"Fresh blood still leaked..... (i.e. which you posted on my email)

Specifically what makes this first 3 paragraphs work is the sense of disembodiment.

The sense that this is the mind...this is the control button...is not working

It is very hard to evoke de-personalization, there a few writers in this site that know how to do it (i.e. again see my comment section).

The others stick to description for, only few are capable of evoking it.

So my advice is, choose one genre and immerse yourself in it, once you master it, then move to something else. That is, if you hear the calling. I for exp. have been writing for 15yrs and would not even dream of writing a sci fi

Fell free to come back with specific concerns

Hope it helps

david

Nicholas,
You have such an interesting cast of characters in Losing Michael Malone. They are all so profoundly unique and the way you have described them all makes them seem like real people. Your prose is so richly detailed and I look forward to seeing the complete work. Rated with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story