Naive eyes

I thought the short pitch was inviting and read the prologue and first 2 chapters. I liked the writing style, economical and witty, full of clever observations and descriptions. The writing is laced with delightful comedic touches, naming a cow Oxo had me laughing out loud (a rare event when I'm reading). Maximillian is an interesting character, insecure and riddled with neurosis. Some of the descriptions of the poor bloke's advancing myopia are hilarious. Only nitpick, I didn't really get the prologue, but that's probably me being thick. On my WL and generously starred. Good luck with this.

Leigh, I've just read your prologue and first chapter proper. This is excellent stuff. Like the reviewer below, however, I wasn't much taken by the prologue section, and I'm not sure if it a) adds much to the story, and (more importantly, b) would be off-putting ot any potential agent or publisher who needs to be hooked on the first few lines. Maybe you would be better served in going straight in at chapter 1. Here you've captured a unique narrative voice of a weary young man, shunning all the spirit-crushing bullshit of modern life. There's a great flow to your writing. The problem with Maximilian's eyes provides the intrigue on which your story can develop. This is something I would definitely buy, and am more than happy to back.

NA 'The Butterfly and the Wheel'

Once I got into your story, I thought this was a very good read. I have to admit I wasn't fond of the repetition of "With the darkness..." in the prologue, but everything else worked lovely. Maximilian was a really cool character, his thoughts/narrative voice nicely done. He's very realistic: his worries about going blind, his Katie worries, and the monotony of his worklife were all nicely portrayed, and done with a really clever turn of words.

I noticed someone critiqued you on your use of terms in relation to marijuana. Personally, I thought your terms were good, I use them to: toke, spliff... For your target audience this is perfectly fine. And the language used suited your character well. In addition, I liked how you described his pre-Katie days: the messy condition of the house, the remote being lost, all reflective of his more carefree, stoner lifestyle. Now, after Katie moved in, like his office space, he's caught in a sterile environment, something that is very stifling. She's controlling, a neatfreak, and he's the opposite.

A particular line I liked: toking my way to schizophrenia. There were a number of others I liked too, but that was the one that I could pull off the top of my forgetful head. I also wanted to point out your use of the singular lines in italics. I liked this very much; it added to the contemporary feel of your writing.

I noticed a couple of grammatical errors, but I see they have been pointed out already.

All up, this was very nicely done. I'd like to see how your story progresses, and will comment on the next chapter when I get some more time. All the best - Marita.

Hello Leigh,

Just read the first three chapters. There are some really good lines here, lines that made me laugh out loud, and creative use of descriptions. The character is vivid, unique, and very contemporary. I think that as you continue to re-read it, you'll find the typo's I found (ie. using 'id' instead of "I'd", forgetting periods, leaving Max's name lowercase, etc.) and when you correct those it will be a lot tighter.

There are two things you might want to consider. The first is that if your reader is not familiar with marijuana use, there are quite a few references to it and you might need to keep those the same at first, almost like a training vocabulary, and introduce other terms a bit further into the story. Also, while the language was youthful and full of slang, if someone is completely unfamiliar with UK colloquialisms, it might be hard for them to track with you. But maybe making people work to understand is a good thing!

One thing I wanted to be sure to say, if I may, was that I appreciated you choosing your profanity carefully. I'm usually put off by a lot of cursing in a story, and was already sucked into the character when I read the first four letter word. I was concerned at that point, unsure how many more would happen. But I thought that you stayed away from using it too much, and even took the time to describe the taxi driver's language as being profanity laced or something along those lines, rather than beating me about the face with his crass language. There is a time and place for that stuff, and I think you've found the balance in these first chapters and maintained the character's authentic voice.
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I'm going to put this on my watchlist and come back to read more soon. Wish I could stay up later and continue to read now. Great work.

Sincerely,
Booknerd (Frosh)

Leigh,

Truly wonderful work. An exceptional voice that hook, line, and sinker-ed me immediately. You will be on my shelf as soon as prior commitments are fulfilled and I can clear a spot. All the best with this...it certainly deserves it.

Regards,

Eric

Your lack of years on this planet is made up for with a talent for artful prose and an "ear" for dialogue. I enjoyed the poetic beginning and pleasurably took the ride to chapter 7. I liked: Her accent clearly originating from somewhere far from here but diluted by time elsewhere, most likely Essex. There are so many well phrased, insightful expressions here. I didn't see this addressed in other comments, and it's a mere nit, but when Big Grim threw the brick, you have that he through the brick. But an editor or agent will clearly see your talent all round and be impressed.
Regards,
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Hello! Sorry it's taken me so long to get round to reading this.

I really love your writing style. And especially your prologue. It was VERY, very well done. :) I do have to say though maybe break up a few of your massive paragraphs, that would really make it easier on the eyes. And, having only read YA my whole life, it's my opinion that sometimes you have too much backstory, but like I said that's just my personal experience and I'm sure it's only because of what genre I'm used to reading.

Anyways, your writing is SO beautiful. Extremely beautiful. Star-rated and shelving this now. :) Best of luck!!

Could you take a look at my book also?
I love how you write, such a unique style.
I haven't read it all but I will, please give mine a look and tell me what you think and maybe you could star mine?
Thanks and good luck. It sounds great.
Katie

Brillian cover and well constructed pitches are a great start. I love the opening sentence of your long pitch and the name of your MC. Should 'a terrifying diagnoses' be 'diagnosis' in the following line?
I started reading this and was several chapters in without even noticing; it flows so well and you have a rare talent for expression emotion in a realistic manner.
The first person narrative, usually a hit or miss device, works perfectly here. You're a writer of clarity and a deep understanding of human nature and I fully expect you to have success on this site. Of course, you're far too young to possess such wisdom and insight - I suspect you've made a Fuastian pact with the devil.
I have no book on the site at present, pick and choose the books I read, and am ridiculously choosy about books that I decide to support. I'm delighted to add your book to my shelf.
Jake

NAIVE EYES

Although I have not managed to read the whole book online I have to say it is brilliant...so well written..witty, emotional, compelling! For a young person you have so much singiht...Well done Leigh, just cannot wait for the paperback to come out!!!!!

DONNA

NAIVE EYES
A blend of catharsis and prose, this first-person account is absorbing, cerebral and requires more than an idle passing read to appreciate the stream and discourse. I too appreciate the first person and journey into your narrator's attitudes, many of which readers share and therefore appreciate finding personal substance in your written words. Your ability to describe what you see and how you feel is outstanding, bringing true relevance to your obvious writing skill. But this is an unique contribution and one that requires a special editor to see the value of your work. Good luck to you.
Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

A very interesting and fresh style happening here. Your voice is unique and makes the story unlike anything I've read before, but the story is so believable--in fact I have a friend with a degenerate eye condition--so this was very real to me. I felt that you add the mother's reaction down perfectly.
Sue

Dear Leigh, A gut wrenching recherche of emotions that immediately envelops the reader. I was replenished by your raw trip of parables that were passionate and very poignant, [ sorry for the alliteration ]. But with no credentials as a critic, I find it easy to crow about another's work by blending the true basis of an artist who is good enough to aspire to be as good as. You have a lot of experience for someone, still so young. A great benefit but also a burden, but handled quite purposefully by yourself. I have to yield to your strong vernacular, which was fresh and innovative, such a strong credential for today's contemporary market. May you find that someone, [ a reputable publisher ], to believe in you. Your kind of writing deserves to be unveiled, even if we we just learn from the obvious undertones of painful constraint, which is slowly destroying what you display with ease. Good luck and best wishes, and please look out for my future support. Take care, Cicuta, [ Carl, Arcane ].

This is simply marvelous. Your witty style --all the while --delivering a story so emotional that it made me want to cry is quite a feat!

I had no nitpicks, and I plan to finish reading. If I have anything else to add I will come back and leave you a message!
Barbara

Naive Eyes - opening is a winner. First person is right on. There isn't much to mention that would be of any use to you in what I've read so far other than I would like to see some more conversation earlier on since when you do get to the dialogue it is so naturally handled. I will return after reading more if I find anything that I think is worth a mention. For now, shelved with stars.

G.
I would like to see your take on Einstein's Road Trip, magical realism in an offbeat lit fiction also written in first person, when your time allows. thanks

Leigh this is fantastic, I have enjoyed reading this immensely. A very good narrative too, very funny also!

Keep writing and adding more stuff up on here, it's great!

Laura x

I was a bit confused reaaching chapter 8 (6) when first person suddenly switches to Henry. This is Dicklit. Not sure if that's a valid name, but to me, it's a male version of chicklit, which sometimes uses the same method, switching characters and voice at the turn of a chapter, but It came without warning though, and kinda threw me. If this is going to run throughout, I think possibly you should introduce a chapter of Hen earlier, name the chapters, and also keep an eye on the voice! They should read totally unique and the reader should know who is talking.

Please feel free to ignore all this, it was merely an observation.
Sue

Naïve eyes

This is very, very good. Your writing is compelling – I don’t yet know where you’re taking me with this (apart from round the world, obviously:)) but I feel in such assured hands you can lead me anywhere.
An end to light … is superb.
Reading on, I like the conversational tone very much.
I hesitate here because I’m immersed in this – it’s excellent – but I’m not sure employment, credit card, automobile or relationship can be described as ‘traits’, unpleasant or otherwise. Is there another word you could use? Or re-structure the sentence without using the word ‘traits’?

Brilliant description of the hospital – I’ve just spent some time there and you’ve captured the grimy essence. And you’ve cleverly introduced your dreams into the narrative, and you’ve told us more about your MC and his girlfriend Katie than seems possible in so few, well-chosen words.

There’s something about the rhythm of your writing and the structure of your sentences that will lift this from any slush pile straight into paperback. I’m sure of it.

Writing in first person is perfect here. I rarely comment about ‘voice’ (I don’t know what I’m talking about’) but something about this tells me you have ‘it’, whatever it is.

Dialogue is smooth and realistic, your characters sing - perhaps not Katie, she's a bit dull but I think she's meant to be. All in all, this seems effortless to me. Your writing is so immaculate, it’s almost reassuring to have stumbled on a tiny typo: Give me half an hour to actually wake up and ill walk around – should be I’ll (capital).

Leigh, I’ve read to halfway down chapter 5 (your chapter four). There’s a lot here to read. I’m off to add this to my shelf now, but I’ll be back. On this occasion I hate having to read online – I want to savour this – it’s superb.
Diana

This held my attention for 7 chapters, which is more than I can say for most books. There is something unusual about it. I'd probably buy it and read the whole thing.
Good luck with it.
Sue

Leigh,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half

Now, anybody that starts with poetic repetition has my attention, well done. The frame that comes to mind is Foster Wallace and Eggers; that hyper-ventilated cosmic boy/man with a poetically dystopic imagination wondering this earth with a baggage of post modern anomie that springs out of his head like confetti.

There is also a lot of an author you probably have never heard off, but is the current Divo of Latin American literature: Roberto Bolanos, and I mention this only in case you find yourself short of like minded sensibilities to read.

The central premise here is the same that holds post modernism together:

this is the mind....this is the control button.....is not working

And so you get a mind whose emotional map is in an endless googling of images that appear to be independent of the will:

for ex:

"resembling an abstract painting...."

"strange fetish for...."

"smog and designer suits...."

"deadly looking instruments....."

"dazed and uncoordinated"

"my floral refuge"

"Kate is the reason I ate....."
now that is the most romantic thing I have ever heard.......lol

The use of spacing/italics to highlight the illuminated phrase also works:

"There was something....

There are several authors mining this style in this site (you will know them by the similarity of my criticism and cause they are in my back list), several of them, like you, very fine craftsmen.

What makes your signature is the urgency of the anomie, that Antonioni like fatalism that has no name, genealogy or address

is simply there

and so the desires exist independent of its fulfillment; I wanted Kate....I had Kate....now I want something else

Now, like a high wire act, the challenge here is the same one as that of a Rauchenberg painting (if you don't know google it). That is, how do we keep the strings of thought (i.e. images) stitched around a unifying emotional frame;

if you do that right, you got yourself a winner....if you don't then all you get is a collage taken right out of google.

Hope it helps.

well done, sr, 6 stars

david

Happy to back your work.

Rodney B.

Leigh,
Naive eyes treats the reader to a rich narrative where they have an intimate look into the narrator's deep thoughts and feelings. This creates a very believable account. The prose in your opening paragraphs has such deep meaning it seems like poetry. This story is for the intelligent and thoughtful reader and I've rated it with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

I like this very much. I like the asides, the italicised comments, the everyday language, the internal dialogue, (I've done that with Carol Vordman, course they've got a different girl now) - the horror of the situation. Unusual writing with a flow that kept me going. An MC with what must be most people's worst fear (one of, anyway) and the promise of the round the world trip with all its attendant problems to come.

Wonderful idea, ghastly prospect. The writing is the thing here - its a bit different and almost like listening to an internal voice, it's so believable. I've read only three chapters so far, but am keeping on going with it. I'm impressed.
Cariad
STONES.

I havn't read the whole book yet but Mr Mitchell writes a compelling tale and one to continue reading til the end. Well done Leigh

Fantastic Book! Loved it. Cant wait to hear more :)

compelling read- you use very good writting skills to relay this tale...on my watchlist...
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