Jesus Who

I've only read the first chapter, but so far it is an interesting read. I have noticed that other people have suggested this, but some of your paragraphs are really long. Breaking them up will make this an easier read, and I think it will also bring your ranking up.

You start with a great description of their neigborhood, house - I especially like how she refuses to sit on the sofa. She finds a body and doesn't think it's a good place to raise children - of course! And the story starts to pick up in the second chapter when she walks out of church. And the suspense grows as he can't be found, stays home from work, and then...claims to be the son of God in what - chapter 3. Well done. I like the tension of her dislike of church and - I haven't finished it so I'm guessing - sickness. I'm curious how it will all turn out.

The one thing that is intimidating is the length of your paragraphs. They can easily be broken up into two, three, four, or even five paragraphs. Visually, I'd look at them and say, wow, does it ever end? As I read it, I thought, I'd break here for a new paragraph. There were also a few minor typos, but that can easily be fixed. I think your are on to a really good story. I wish you the best...

You've got some really long paragraphs here, which I would think about breaking up. Still reading!

I'm not the first to say that this is an excellent premise, ripe with the possibilities of interesting dialogue and sharp commentary that could be drawn from such a situation. Moreover, from the first 3 chapters what I really appreciated was the character situations and interrelationships. Melissa relationship with Steve, and it being interrupted by Steve's overbearing mother, is played very nicely, especially with the religious over tones.

Still, there are a few things to fix up. Its all there, and you were taken me to interesting places, but structurally I think it needs a rejig. The first chapter (and on into the second) is very exposition heavy, which kind of takes some of the fun out of it. I would introduce things like Steve's relationship with his mother more subtly, perhaps mixing the exposition with dialogue in the scene where they're at church. This way the reader doesn't feel like everything is being laid on them at once.
Some other, small stuff I noticed;

Chapter 1
-The similie of the blood surrounding her foot "like an island" doesn't really work because islands don't surround things. Perhaps it could instead be "the blood surrounded her foot, making her shoe a tiny island" or "like a moat around a tiny castle" or something like that.
-"She only began to relax once she's heard the news". I didn't really understand this, especially seeing as she then becomes detirmined to move away. Is she relaxed? Why would she be relaxed by the news report?
-"How could anyone believe in a passionate diety...". Be careful not to give away your hand too early. All the stuff about the dingy area and the murder is an excellent way to bring up that question, but I think it would be better if its subtly simmering in the readers mind rather than stated out loud (or maybe not quite so early in the novel).

Chapter 2
-Just a bit of a jumble with the sentence "Steve's mother had never quite managed to bring herself to like her no matter how hard she tried". Maybe some simplication needed.

Chapter 3
-This chapter was more solid and once the exposition is moved away from it gets a nicer flow.

Just some fuel for thought I hope. Grapple with this any way you must, because this is certainly an idea worth fighting for. Best of luck!

K

I've often thought that if the second coming did happen, Jesus would end up in a mental health facility on some strong anti-psychotic medication. I'm interested to see where you go with this, and I shall keep reading.

Hi Claire. This is a brilliant premise, highly original as far as I'm aware and actually well-written - if it wasn't for the fact that there are so many lengthy paragraphs. I know I've been told I use too many short paras :) but these - especially in the crucial first para - can be so intimidating/off-putting for a reader. I'm going to give you a temporary bookshelf space for the idea alone and essentially there's nothing wrong with this tale that a fairly simple edit couldn't fix.

Shorter paragraphs, please, let the reader take a breath. But it reads well and I'm interested

Dear Claire,

This is a great premise, and your writing suggests you should be able to carry it off.

However, you need to make some major changes to the way you construct your paragraphs if you want to get a hook into your readers. A lot of the paragraphs are simply too long. Readers' eyes tend to move to the next paragraph break without thinking, even while they're absorbed in reading. This often means that, on first reading, they skip forwards. If paragraphs are too long, lots of the info in them will be missed. Long paragraphs also look quite unwelcoming on paper.

On the positive side, the edginess in the relationship, the shattered dreams, the disappointment of everyday living that can suck the love out of relationships; all this is really well portrayed.

Big edit needed. I'm putting you on my rotating bookshelf to encourage you, and because I think this will be a good book.

R