God of the Slaves - Bringer of War

Thanks for the comments. I've finished editing the first 3 chapters to address the flow and mechanical storytelling issues. I would appreciate more feedback on it, so please let me know.

God of the slaves . . .
An interesting story, the dialogue is good
Backed
Lenny Harry
(Like a dot on the horizon)

Interesting premise. I could see this being made into a movie if published, however, your style is a bit more awkward than it needs to be. Avoid over explaining things; trust your reader to fill in the big picture, especially on trivial details that do not push you plot forward. Example: Yulu caressed the hilt of his sword. Works fine and is a more polished and flowing line. The bit: “attached the belt that holds up his loan cloth” is awkward phrasing on the one hand, and not needed on the other. Most readers of this genre know exacetly where a sword is kept and don't need to be told. Let their imaginaton create the picture you "outline." Gloss over trivial detials and save your word count for details and passages that push your plot.

There are three important parts to a narrative: flow, flow, and the details. You should endeavor to weave all details in fluidly. Never sacrifice flow for details, especially if they are not intrinsic top the plot. Never force details in a line that is crowded or off balance. Count syllable, not words when considering flow. If a line is crowded, drop some details to the next line; add them whenever ever you can do so seamlessly with the overall rhythm. Two fluid sentences are better than one choppy one.


ready “for” anything at all times


Ok, after the first two chapters I can say that you do have what could be an interesting story. Unfortunately (in my opinion only) your voice and style is a little off. You need to edit for fluidity and economy of expression on the one hand, but also your style is rather mechanical. Your story telling in my opinion is what you need to hone. The other things I mentioned are just a matter of polish, and can be done with practice—but intuition for story telling requires a little more effort, as it will mean honing your instincts to go about unfolding a plot line, and doing so with a natural sounding voice. There is really no advice or feed back I can offer you other than to read some accomplished authors: Hess, Nabokov and so forth are great--or anyone you admire. Notice how they go about accomplishing movement within the text, and more fluid interactions between the characters, and work their methods into your style. Sometimes the hardest thing can be getting a character from one side of the room to the other. You just need to get a feel for fluid story telling, and the rest will fall into place.

I’m hesitant to back this as it is at the moment, but will support your work only after I’ve read the other new manuscripts, and only if I can't find something else more deserving. I do wish you luck with your writing though. Your strong points are imagination, and interesting characters. On that note, one last bit of feedback would be to spend some time in character development. A character sketch in which you give your characters motives, desires, and various personality traits will be helpful. After you’ve done that, spend time getting to know your characters. I use to have imaginary conversations with my main characters while driving, doing dishes, or whatever. Once you really know your characters, then your story will unfold more naturally and with a less mechanical tone. You won't have to stop and think and wonder: what will this character do here? In every situation you put them in, you will know exactly what they would do or say, because you know them so well. The story will write itself, free of your conscious direction (or at least with minimal influence) and the honesty will shine through. Forced or mechanical reactions are easily detected by the reader and will be a turn-off, so spend time getting to know your characters so that you can make them more believable.


Goodluck with your manuscript

blueboy

Thanks, I appreciate all of the positive feedback. I am also looking for ways I can make my book better. So if you want to comment about anything that can be improved upon, maybe you want something described more or some of the detail slows things down too much, then please post and let me know.

You are totally fantastic, Kristofer!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because I'm #5 on the editor's desk & have to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of January :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 10 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Dear Kristofer, I love that 4 friends are shaken to their foundations as "an unknown & foreign god declares war on Pharaoh & the rest of the gods who prove powerless before it & don't know what to believe," to "cling to their old familiar gods....or join the God of the slaves," as your pitch portrays. :) I am so happy that you told in your comment that you are making this a trilogy & I was elated, as I opened chapter 1 to see that it is the "Hebrew Slaves," so my premonition was right, that this is Biblical :) - wonderful :) - I am sure God is smiling :) Yalu being hired to be over the Hebrew slaves was sad, because he's on the bad side, unless he's of the ones who choose to go with Moses, so there is hope. :) I laughed about the beer :) - I never thought of beer being in those times. :) "Oh great Wadjet" made me laugh at your names & I am still laughing :) - I love the humor of it :) - even though it's sad that the worshiped other gods :( - "the unknown god" was good at the end of chapter 2. :) "The water....is turned to blood" was good, that the maid proclaimed when she poured it from the pitcher she had filled at the Nile. :) This is greatest of writes. :) May God bless you for bringing Exodus to life. :) I have read & commented on your book & will back it more than 24 hours when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs/testimony book, in return? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. every ******-ing moves our books up authonomy's lists, as does backing-more-than-24-hours & the longer on our bookshelves, the more they move up :) - click on author's name, scroll down their profile pages & click on their book cover or title & their book will come up, then ****** & back the book :)
None of this comment is copy/pasted & is written arduously my best from my heart, as I'm sure your book is, too. :)

Kristofer,
I read God of the Slaves-Bringer of War with great interest as I love this type of historical fiction which takes the reader back to ancient times. I marvel at the imagination of writers who craft in this genre and rated it with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it - read & commented on shortly thereafter :)

I uploaded the first three chapters to the book. The book is 15 chapters in total and about 105k words. I am planning to turn this into a trilogy and chronicle the character's journey with the Hebrew people in two more books, God of the Slaves - Path to Peace, and God of the Slaves - Rise to Power. Visit the facebook page "God of the Slaves" or my website to learn more.