Ambassador 12

Now THAT is an opening! Immediate, active and thrilling. The reader doesn't have a chance, can't help being swept along and into your story. The issues in play are instantly clear. IC is a good guy a young teen can happily identify with.

I can imagine a thoughful teen, perhaps not a big confident leader of the pack type, being engrossed by the notion of being suddenly enthused with super energies, powers and skills. It is his chance to be a hero in a world where the focus is so often on cool, brutal, street. Your reader is on the nice rather than the ferral side of life. We are talking grace more than grit. But if society is to thrive that is all to the good.

Sorry to take so long getting back to you.
Ron

I read number 9 last night to Narise. It was another exciting chapter with Cecile being introduced and saving Isaac. She's a good character, and Narise liked her. Narise also thought the motorbike chase was excellent, and she was hanging off every word. In regards to what happened to Isaac's friends, she felt the same way as Isaac, mad at the bad guys. So, you have a really good MC that she can empathise with, and great bad guys that she can hate :)

But we have a problem here, and it's in regards to my girl wanting to ONLY read your book and not have a look at any others on Authonomy until Ambassador 12 is finished. Just shows how good your writing is. I have to insist sometimes when there's a new story I want her to look at, and reassure her that I will be reading all of your book, but she's is pretty insistent too, saying that the other books can wait :)

Just to remind everyone - This is my daughter's number 1 book on Authonomy. And I have read her a lot from here.

******Highly recommended******

Churchman is able to project the voice of youth, lay out a scene to where you feel every part of the room and move along an incredible story line all at once. Fantastic story.

I read number 7 to Narise last night, and again, she loved it. The action makes things rocket along, and there is always something exciting in each chapter to keep her interest. The men barging into Isaac's house, Isaac running, then escaping with Ruth's help, and then the men get close to Isaac again. I like how he escapes the country--very clever idea with the coach, and having him enter France. I can see them chasing Isaac across Europe now, and beyond. The international aspect allows for so much more. Will comment on the next chapter when I get back from Malaysia. -Marita.

Yahoo! I finished the book. In addition to being a terrific read, I think the book has a very important message. Of course, I've chosen it for my bookshelf and I'll promote it, but I would like to do something more. As I've said earlier, I work with teenagers who are charged with serious crimes, including murder. In the state I live in, Georgia, there is a law that allows them to imprison children ages 13-17 in adult prisons and to give them very lengthy, non-parolable sentences. It is not unusual for a 13 year old to receive a life sentence. However, the ones I see are still just kids - some more literate than others. Is there any way I can get this book to them? Would you like their feedback? They don't have access to the internet.
Sandy Arnold

hey Philip... Ambassador is still on my shelf to finish... You had mine on your shelf too but I accidentally unpublished the book, which took it off the shelf :( feel free to put it back on if you'd like, thanks!

Been busy so I haven't been able to get back to your story for a while, but definitely missed it :) Had another story to read Narise as well as yours, so when I asked if she wanted me to read her a book she assumed it was the other one and said no. But when I said I was meaning yours she instantly said, "Yes," repeatedly.

Chapter 13 is a very good chapter, full of action with the escape. I also liked how they escaped (the clever use of the lighter) and the palm reading bit. Narise also thought it was cool and liked how they avoided detection on the outside. Both of us found it amusing when the two Ambassadors were told to leave some food for the other guests with the buffet.

Will leave another comment when chapter 14 is done. Keep plugging your story as it's a gem. Definitely movie potential in my opinion :)

Chapter 12. Haven't read this for a bit as have been busy (my daughter says lazy because she wants me to read the lot in one sitting), but I fell right back into the book without any problems. Again, your writing is very engaging, and the connection made between Isaac and Katarina steps up the story to another level. I like the pacing, it works very well, and keeps the reader enthralled. I also like the touches of humor, which also progresses the story: the phasing and the stabs at the British captures (Muffet and Foster). Chapter 13 another night.

Chapter 11: LOVED IT. Best chapter thus far. Narise really liked it too, but was growling every so often, wanting to punch three of your characters: Foster, Crooked, and Thumb. She also said to tell you that she wanted to hurt them for hurting Isaac and that they had no right to do this to him. Now, when you get a reaction from a reader like this, totally immersing themselves into your story to the point that they want to smack a character that you've created shows that you have a damn good book. Your characters are alive for my daughter, with the bad guys deserving of a smack down.

Also, clever use of names with Isaac allocating his interrogators nursery rhyme identities. Thumb: from Tom Thumb-missing a thumb (gives both a name and reminds the reader of his injury/deformity). Crooked: also reminding the reader of what the character looks like. And Mr. Foster: more dapper. Just wanted to give you Narise's reaction on how Foster (Brown) dressed. She sniggered at the pink shirt :) In NZ it's sort of taboo for men to wear pink, a girly thing. And everytime my daughter or son sees a male wearing pink in Singapore they laugh, my son in particular pointing it out. So, inadvertently, you gave my daughter some amusement.

And Muffet. Narise didn't mind her so much, didn't care about her at all. It's the 3 guys that need punishment in her opinion. But Muffet gave Narise some amusement too. Narise liked that Muffett had power over Foster/Brown, making the man act in a worried fashion when Isaac pretended to react to the drugs. This highly amused her, as did the two Hungarians getting their own one-upmanship out of Foster's "blunder."

In regards to how you structured this chapter, it was very good. I liked how the days separated the chapter, and how Isaac was able to do this through observing his kidnappers' appearances. Cleanly shaven and fresh-morning; dark under the eyes, tired looking-early morning ... and so forth. I also, as well as Narise, thought it was clever how Issac kept a track of where he was through numbering. The containers in which he was constantly moved to. Clever memory tricks.

I wanted to also point out one thing that greatly impressed me about this chapter, which I think you did exceptionally well at (besides having a bloody good story) and that is the settings. I could picture everything because your descriptions were excellent. The way the "units" looked: the black oily substance on the floor, the gross paint work on the walls, the table that Isaac was strapped to, where Muffet sat in the corner, the freezing cold claustrophobic room Isaac was tested in ... and I could go on. Excellent.

In relation to the plot, progression of the story. Very good, the information being given to Isaac's interrogators also makes it interesting for the reader. Plus, I like the fact that we also get to see the YDDA in action. Before it was them chasing Isaac, the bad dudes always on the margins, not fast enough to catch the clever boy. Thus, we didn't get to see their objectives, their single-mindedness... I liked how you've portrayed them here. Yes, they are nasty, but the nasty ones are there because they can't be soft in the extraction of information. But you also include the ones that aren't as nasty: Muffett. It's a job to her, she doesn't get pleasure out of Isaac's pain like Thumb does. She's not a sadistic blighter. There are also the ones experimenting on him. Yes, they are nasty in their scientific dehumanisation of Isaac, but they are different from Thumb. They are treating Isaac like a different species or a lab rat. He's not human to them. An experiment. But Thumb is treating him like a being. A being that he gets pleasure out of torturing. One lot sees him with no feelings, thus allowing them to do their jobs without emotion, while the other lot (Thumb...) see him as having feelings, thus it makes the torture all the more enjoyable for the sadistic Thumb. BUT, I can't tell you who are worst: Thumb or the Scientists, because Isaac is a child whether they believe it or not.

I'll stop here. Obviously by my comments above you can tell I think you did a stella job. And Narise also thought so, because she was trying to grab the computer off me to get chapter 12 :) But I'm afraid she will just have to wait until another night when mean old mum gives her another chapter of her favourite book.

Haere ra - Marita.

In regards to the shift in chapters --- 9: A good chapter, explaining a lot about the Ambassadors. You even got a "cool" out of both me and Narise in regards to the first piece of dialogue: "Isaac, you are not entirely human." Both me and Narise liked this turn in the story, Isaac's special abilities now taking in account a wider plot, a bigger storyline in a direction that I definitely like. Ambassadors: an alien race that adapts to different species, taking on their appearance so that they can fit into the society that they grow up in and in turn attempt to help that species to stop from destroying themselves.

However, I do have one criticism with this chapter and it's with the huge bit of information about techonology and species (the bit around the area with the mention of dolphins). I think this can be cut down majorly, and I was sort of going, hurry up, get to the point. And you did when you got to the part when the Ambassadors came into the information Cecile gave Isaac. Could you possibly just cut and weave a small part of the technology aspect into the Ambassador's information, or just get to the point that at a certain point a species starts to destroy themselves, or puts themselves at risk of destruction when they get too advanced in their use of technology? That's my only criticism and easily fixed if you wish to do so. Eveything else worked nicely, and unlike many other fantasy and scifi stories you give the reader an understanding on what the MC is in regards to his powers. This is good. In addition you put a bit of humor in here, the mention of animal DNA, and Isaac asking about a space ship beeming the Ambassadors up to safety (in so many words). Narise grinned at this.

So, as I said, this is a good chapter, in fact I liked it very much. Just minus/truncate a bit of the techno info and you'll have it just right. The reader, or me and Narise, wants the background story/info in an economical fashion, succint and clear, not in too much detail. Also, one more thing, the word "species" was repeated too much. This will probably be rectified by a chop where I said, or another means.

Hope this is helpful. Will move back on track with chapter 11 another night. All the best - Marita.

The pitch sounds very interesting. I've read the first 2 chapters and am looking forward to reading more. I am not typically a fan of YA or the first person perspective, but this story sounds very compelling. The first two chapters definitely have grabbed my attention. My only constructive comment would be to check your adverbs. There are a lot of "ly" adverbs that break up the flow.

I'll keep reading.

Ch 2
Editing ideas. Graph one.
-- uneventfully -- is a long word and not that strong
-- reasonably -- qualifying it with this word is not scoring and is slowing things in the vital opener
-- I was however -- however is another braking word and isn't a teenish word, being more formal
-- very well aware -- is also a bit slow, is there a quicker or fresher way to say this? Shoulder barge, dead leg and Chinese burn are right but feel subsidiary, and are a bit of a list. The main hit in this graph is, 'Daventry's cool and malevolent stare...'
-- back/back Daventry/Daventry -- if you can avoid words doubling up in a graph I think it is best to do so as the doubling can be jarring and in the case of D/D is probably not needed and thus slows things without gain.
-- momemnarily -- this is an odd word in that it is expressing something brief yet actually has five syllables. I think shorter words are best as the work quicker.
-- apparently -- this is another longish word. It is also a vague word and sounds a bit weak.
-- principal -- is also questionable. It sonds a bit official, the sort of word a headmaster might use rather than a cock of the walk teen dude. I don't know what word a Dav might use but I don't think he wld say and here's my 'principle sidekick'. If in doubt there is always the dictionary of urban slang. Gang might become crew, Dav's crew.
-- commas -- ...... , that whenever I wasn't looking, ... they slow things here. I believe Hardy in some edit of Jude the Obscure went through the whole novel doing nothing but taking out commas. I can't remember how many he removed but it was several hundred.
-- 88 words comprising 135 syllables -- That graph cld be shrunk a lot.

I reckon teens will sniff the road bumps in a story better than an old dad like me. But once we get into edit mode then it's not too difficult to make the story leaner and fitter. I believe editing requires an entirely different approach and skills than the original conceiving and writing of a story. I used to write in the morning and edit in the evenings. I felt I was more in touch with dream city in the morning and more alert mentally later. I wld also have a gap between finishing a story and starting to edit it, maybe three months. Things look and feel very different a few months on and it is easier to be more critical of cherished bits. The first thing is to start thinking of Daventry as Dav, or Davvo. I'll come back in a day or two and read the rest of the chapter and see how the story goes.

Ron

Greetings. Back to have a look at Ch 2.
But first I read a couple of the the other comments that have been made, specifically Tracy McCarthy's and CarolinaAl's. Of the two I think CarolinaAl's is the most accurate and useful. I agree with the former's comments about editing though. But most stories need a good edit and then another and another. I agree with Al that the opening is captivating. The fact we don't get what seems to be called an 'info dump' i.e. all the answers as to who, what, why I don't think matters. And all that stuff about show and tell. That's just a stick teachers and other high priests of pedantry use to beat their pupils with. 'Tell' seems to be bad in some odd way that I have never understood. It is a powerful verb. So I am always wary of people who bang on about it as if it is bad. I think it's better to ask: Does the story having a beating heart?

Hi Philip,

Here at your request.

My thoughts, to take or leave (and please don't get hurt feelings. Honesty and sugarcoating so rarely merge):

Cut out chapter one. Sounds harsh, I know, but it's not particularly interesting action. He's running, he's running-- oh, now he's running faster. And he's running. Has to reach two characters we know nothing about and don't care about yet, and we don't know why he even has to reach them. Then we get some philisophical ideologies that are tiresome because we don't know anything about this character or the story to care enough about what he has to ruminate about.

So, where to start your manuscript: Chapter two, at 'The regional inter-school...' This is interesting because it sets the scene very clearly and in a way that creates questions about the characters, and the action is immediate, but in a way that we connect to. We get to feel the fear of his beating, and freezing to death. Then the curiosity of his getting out of it, etc.. The scene about international fear can be added in while he's 'healing', perhaps. But keep it short. Again, we're not invested yet to care enough about it to wonder why. I don't think you even need to add details about the Gang because we learn from their attack that they have it out for him. I'm assuming you explain later where it stems from. That's all we need.

If you're pitching to the YA market, be careful to keep the 'voice' youthful. Not dumb, but use words, terms that youths use.

Get rid of paranthesis as much as possible. It interrupts our time in our hero's head and takes us out of the story. Ask yourself, do we really need to have him tell us he's flexible? Show us by having him twist out of a difficult spot without trouble. Look at every paragraph with that question in mind. Agents/editors forever say, 'Show, don't tell.'

It didn't ring true to me that he wouldn't tell about the beating because the revenge had been met. That wasn't revenge, that was pure luck away from murder. It makes more sense to me that he wouldn't mention it because of his fear/uncertainty over what happened in his body.

I think this needs a really intensive edit, then a shaving down. For example, the last two paragraphs aren't terribly interesting and don't really advance the story. Sure, we need the question answered, 'what happened during that time?' but it doesn't need a detailed answer. Keep it simple. 'When i didn't show up, the police were called. When they found me at home, they assumed I'd skipped off. Having to call the amublence was the only thing that saved me from getting in trouble.' Something like that...

I think the concept is definitely sellable. It's interesting, has a fresh twist, which is always a buzz phrase in the industry, but without a strong edit, I don't see it moving anywhere. You write very well-- that part of your craft needs littls honing. But it's taking too long to connect us to your main character and what is so interesting about him.... what the driving question is in this story. I also think (and this is very, very subjective) you might want to reconsider 'Ambassador' as a title. It brings to mind adults, never teens, or youths of any kind. By using 'Ambassador', I immediately thought this was geared toward adults.

That's my take on the opening. Feel free to use my message box to direct hate mail. Or, if you'd like me to delete this comment, send me a message with the request.

I truly wish you the best.
Tracy

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A captivating start. A wholesome main character. Excellent action writing. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) Your second line hooked me. Consider starting with it.
2) ' ... like a boy possessed' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
3) 'After half a mile my chest was pounding' could be written 'After half a mile, my chest pounded.' Can you see how the second version is a tad more immediate and might be more engaging to the reader?
4) 'It felt like the rush of adrenalin, but more profound, ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' How did this transformation manifest itself in Isaac? Describe the transformation so the reader can experience it right along with Isaac.
5) 'It was such an unfamiliar sensation ...' This sentence tells the reader nothing about the actual 'sensation' other than it was 'unfamiliar' and that it causes Isaac to 'nearly stop pedalling.' I can assure you, the reader would like to experience this unfamilia sensation righ along with Isaac.
6) 'I could feel my blood flowing faster and more smoothly.' Try to avoid using the word 'feel.' Just describe the feeling. When you do that, 'I could feel' is implied.
7) When Isaac crashed in the van, you don't describe any pain. Is that intentional?

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for commenting on "Savannah Fire."

Have a fine day.

Al

Hi Philip,

Triumph of good over evil is everybody's joy, but hard to convince readers who have been brought up believing it. That's why Ambassadors 12 is a valiant attempt and I hope you succeed in getting a review. Isaac and Cecile are characters that I will remember and think about for a long time.

I've backed the book and starred it so you can move up the charts. All the best!

Jay Adiyarath

Now THAT is an opening! Immediate, active and thrilling. The reader doesn't have a chance, can't help being swept along and into your story. The issues in play are instantly clear. IC is a good guy a young teen can happily identify with.

I can imagine a thoughful teen, perhaps not a big confident leader of the pack type, being engrossed by the notion of being suddenly enthused with super energies, powers and skills. It is his chance to be a hero in a world where the focus is so often on cool, brutal, street. Your reader is on the nice rather than the ferral side of life. We are talking grace more than grit. But if society is to thrive that is all to the good.

Sorry to take so long getting back to you.
Ron

I re entered my childhood, remembering when everything was possible. Experiencing new thrills, living on the edge and fighting for life and being extraordinary ordinary and inside superhuman, faster and tougher. Thank you.

10 tonight. I should just have a quote saved in Windows that says, "Another great chapter," because this is all I seem to be saying each time. And it's true. Your story just keeps propelling forward, with no sign of letting up or sagging in any areas. Narise again loved it, and we both liked the idea of Isaac wanting to get caught so that he can try and get Katarina out of the Hungarian branch. Both of us liked that there were a number of Ambassadors and in this chapter the title of the book clicked into place. Excellent idea. There were also some fun/light-hearted moments, such as Isaac dressing up like an Italian boy, with his fancy clothes and mobile, as well as the new hairstyle. We both found his looking at his own reflection funny, and the flirtation with the Italian girls.

The ending was excellent, a nice cliffhanger with the cutting off of the phone line. Ominous. Also, what his Mum wanted to tell him also added to this, and made me want to know the agency's secret. Number 11 another night. Ciao!

Hey Philip, finally got around to Ambassador 12, sorry it's taken so long. I enjoyed this and think it'd be great for the intended audience, here's some thoughts I jotted down while reading:

Great opening hook, starts with action and suspense. Smart move to get the cops to chase him, we're already on his side even before he chucks his fingers up at them :)
Good incentive to read on at the end of chapter one, knowing that payback is on its way. The final sentence can probably be removed, as the penultimate sentence has the same effect and encourages the reader to continue.
Chapter two continues the interest with the confrontation in the forest and the changes to the protagonist.

A couple of little thoughts:
The colons and semi colons stand out a little, perhaps replace with commas or full stops?
You've done what I always do and chucked in a load of adverbs - viciously, superficially, immediately, smoothly, etc. I think your writing would be excellent with a chunk of them removed.

Looking forward to reading more, keep up the good work!

Cheers,
Chris

Ambassador 12.
Chapter 1 - An action packed, exciting opening. Like the sudden change in Isaac's abilities and the amazing stunt after crashing with the van.
Chapter 2 - Daventry, cold and calculating, has a touch of a psycho about him. He's a good adversary to pit against Isaac, good versus evil, and a character children will love to hate. Really nice description of Isaac's growing abilities, eg: 'I wasn't just looking at the picture; I'd learned how to read.' Isaac comes across as extraordinarily mature, but I'm not sure if he would be cool-headed enough to reflect,cable ties had done a great service to abductors, while he was being gagged and bound to the tree, even if he had anticipated an ambush. Isaac seems to just accept the warmth that instigates his release, and on waking up in hospital with marks of the beating he's had, either gone or disappearing after so short a time, wouldn't he be a bit surprised, if not creeped out, by the strangeness?
Chapter 3 - Isaac finally telling Hugo and Ruth about the attack he sustained. You tell of their 'shock, sympathy and incredulity' , but I feel this would be better shown as I think it would make them more fully rounded characters. At the moment, Ruth comes across as distantly analytical and Hugo, only too willing to compare him to super heroes seen on tv. The organisation searching for children with unusual abilities, sounds rather sinister, which is a nice touch. I liked Isaac's view about his father's illusion of being Stephen Spielburg when filming with his video camera. Again, Isaac remains remarkably calm and collected when he's trapped under the ice. Perhaps consider, knowing he is running out of air, he struggles, tries to break through it before the strange heat kicks in. Realistic, Daventry and his gang dubbing Isaac as a freak.
The chapters read are a very good indication this had all the elements of a rip roaring adventure, children will love. My only concern is, I wonder if some of the language used might be a little adult for the target audience stated in the classification, though it would suit the young adult market extremely well.

Nanty - Chrys!

I've read the first few chapters of this and found it immensely readable. Your descriptions of Isaac as his body changes are particularly well done, and I think the storyline should appeal to lovers of fantasy and more espionage-type fiction.

You might want to watch what age group it's aimed at - you used the word 'shit' at one point, which is perfectly in character for children of that age but probably not going to be accepted in a book aimed at them! Also I occasionally felt like you were trying to fit in explanations and backstory that might need to be done in a more subtle way. But overall, this was excellent. It will be backed when I have space on my shelf!

Anna
Angelwings

Philip -

Ambassador 12 - The story plants some intriguing questions right away, how did Isaac know his friends were in trouble and how come his metabolism suddenly relaxes and his body is infused with heat everytime a strong motivation kicks in. Recalling the scene under the ice now, I'll never think of 'central heating' again in the mundane sense :) You tune into the young reader's natural suspicion of authority, who would not perk their ears at a news item that calls on everybody to report teens with out-of the-ordinary behaviour, using the lame justification that most certainly drugs would be involved :) Isaac has some formidable enemies and seems otherwise isolated. His family is only touched upon, and I wondered about his friends until Hugo and Ruth appear shortly in chapter 3, a little sudden. The story deals with interesting themes and has much scope ... intelligence has to be protected from itself ... I haven't read far enough to see how such ideas develop, only dipped shortly into later chapters. The suspense is there to pull the reader along. In the second chapter I noticed three paragraphs in a row starting with 'The' ... The emotions of the country ... The most worrying thing was .,. The was now limited to ... An alternative beginning, like ... Most worrying, the fear was increasing ... would also loose one of the 'was', a word you could often do without. Something for you next edit. It's a thrilling read for young teens. Best success to you and plenty stars for now. Pia

I've read your prologue and Ch 1.
The ageing adult part of me is sceptical of there being any such positive force in the universe and I confess I questioned the notion of intelligence being rare and precious. But ignore that as I am not intelligent. The child in me likes the idea of their being such a force. So much in the world seems to work the other way. So to carry on without going mad we need to believe in something. I suppose in previous centuries it wld have been god and the Ambassadors wld have been disciples and prophets, or angels. We absolutely need to feel we are not alone it seems and that others are looking out for us.
I thought the detailing of Isaac in the early graphs is good, but I wondered if it might be better to dab it into the story as you go along. Or perhaps you cld disguise it as a shool report or some such. We wld all like to read others' personal details. Or maybe it cld be an essay he has to write for a school lesson. But I think 13 yr olds will relate to it as it is, comparing their own lot with Isaac's. You cld tighten in a few places. '...for much of their lives, as a single unit.' might be '...for much of their lives as one.' And in the next graph, '...if it suited his purpose.' might become '...if it suited him.' But these are very small nits. However, however... The fact I was noticing nits at the start of the story is a bad sign from the story telling angle as the story is all I think, esp for kids.
I believe a better start to the story might be, 'I just had to catch Ben and Emma to warn then.' It is absolutely urgent and you wld be off like a rocket. I also strongly like the graph which starts, 'Then something changed...'
You cld do the info dump about his background while he is in the policestation. Maybe a DC cld be reading it back to him. And then... You cld hit us with the sweeping theory of the prologue. I wld have no problem with having the prologue after a bit of action. Perhaps Isaacs efforts over E&B cld be a sort of test, which he passes of course. 'Though he didn't know it Isaac had just passed the most important test of his life. It was sixty-five years ago...'
I will try and read more anon.
Ron

I like the pitch. Your story sounds well thought out for the market you have in mind. It sounds like an intelligent read that will appeal to a young, idealistic audience who have reason to worry about the threats to our collective future. But it sounds like it tilts towards the forces of optimism, which is another plus point for it. And of course the notion of adventure and saving a damsel in distress will be a winner with many teen boys, though they might not admit it openly. It sounds like the forces of lightness and darkness are clearly drawn and basing things on a dark conspiricy provides a classic contest. I immediately thought of Alex Ryder and the basic storyline of Star Wars, which follow the good vs evil adventure theme with a young hero at their core. Such stories are always popular because they are models for how we want to life to be and how we wish to be when we dream. I will start reading later tonight or tmr.

Hi Phillip,
I like the shorter Prologue better but I'm not even sure you need it. This could be more of your back cover blurb or an author's introduction. Writer's tend to over use prologues or misuse them. A prologue is something that comes before the story. Critical information that a reader needs to know Before the story begins. Just my thoughts on it. I'm still reading and except for the passive voice (was's and were's) that will really need to be fixed, it is a great story. Still on my watch list but I have rated it for you.
Take Care
Kelly
The Haunted Mirror

This had me locked in for the first opening chapters. Particularly when the bully and his thugs got their just deserts. I can't wait to read the next chapters. It reminded me a lot of the TV series 'Heroe's' Great vivid writing from you makes it a treat to read. Well done.

Philip. Thank you for taking the time to read a few chapters and comment on The DEAD Bloc. I corrected the typo you kindly pointed out, thanks.

I've only been writing a little over 3 weeks, so I don't ever feel confident in offer crit on someone's pov, prose etc. I'm here solely as a reader.

I've just read 2 full chapters. What a curious story this seems to be, and you write it well.

The only thing I can offer you today in the way of criticism (which must be a good thing) are 3 of the names you've chosen. Firstly 'Daventry' never in my life have I ever heard someone called 'Daventry' We do have a town here in Northamptonshire called that. Then there's 'Machell' again, never heard anyone called that before. And finally 'Constance' yes, I've heard the name, but usually in television period dramas starring Emma Thompson and Kenneth Branagh. Your school is set in 2009 and you make no mention of it being a private school, so what's with 'Constance' ? The 3 names just seemed odd and unreal compared to your 'Emma' & 'Ben' etc. Just my thinking anyway.

Good luck with this Philip, and thank you once again.

Sir Daniel.

The DEAD Bloc.

I like this. The voice is engaging and I want to know more about Isaac. He does a good job painting his life and giving the reader some ground to identify with. There's some quality that keeps me reading. We have development and, just when it might get boring, some action. This book doesn't get boring.

There are a few unnecessary words I'd like to point out to make it a tad more perfect: delete ¶2 'respectively' and ¶4 'however'. OK could be written out as 'okay'. Near the end of ch.1 is some repetition. You say 'got to the alley' and then 'got to the yard'. The second could be 'entered' to be more specific. Then we have a police care taking Ben, Emma and Isaac, and others who 'took' the two boys. 'Took' could be 'brought' or something else.

So far Ambassador 12 is amazing and I see no reason for that to change. If I had to choose a book in the 200s that looks most bound for the desk, this would be it. Likable characters, smooth writing, gripping plot; it has everything. I wish you the very best success.

Joel Juedes- Purple Eyes

I read number 9 last night to Narise. It was another exciting chapter with Cecile being introduced and saving Isaac. She's a good character, and Narise liked her. Narise also thought the motorbike chase was excellent, and she was hanging off every word. In regards to what happened to Isaac's friends, she felt the same way as Isaac, mad at the bad guys. So, you have a really good MC that she can empathise with, and great bad guys that she can hate :)

But we have a problem here, and it's in regards to my girl wanting to ONLY read your book and not have a look at any others on Authonomy until Ambassador 12 is finished. Just shows how good your writing is. I have to insist sometimes when there's a new story I want her to look at, and reassure her that I will be reading all of your book, but she's is pretty insistent too, saying that the other books can wait :)

Just to remind everyone - This is my daughter's number 1 book on Authonomy. And I have read her a lot from here.

******Highly recommended******

Okay, I had to stop before I got too far. The idea of this story is very intriguing and I'm hooked so I will keep reading. There is one thing that I picked up on right away and it is a very common mistake when writing in first person. Go through your manuscript and count the number of times you use the word 'was'. It is slowing down your manuscript and if you remove it and use more active verbs I think you will be amazed how much more intense your story becomes.

I do tend to agree with the last two previous comments. If you can hook me with who Isaac is and weave the back story about the Ambassadors in then I think you will have a much more compelling story.
Nice start though. You're on my watch list.
Kelly
The Haunted Mirror

I can see 10 + children really loving this story. The author clearly understands the needs of this readership. Just one thing - I agree with SH - you do give too much away at the start. We should find out about Issac's powers at the same time as he does. But fantastic work.
Backed with pleasure.
Kim

Philip - the return read and apologies for the delay. I read Chapter 1 and 2, then Chapter 12. I've no literary training nor published so feel free to do with these comments as you wish.

Chapter 1 reads as deeply philosophical - perhaps not the best tone to start a read. I was convinced of this when I turned the page. You gave too much away with that opening. Let the reality weave its way into the story. The simple language of Chapter 2 makes it an easy read; you've added enough mystery that we want to read more, to turn the next page. Constance appears as a normal teenager in typical scenes and yet you leave sufficient to suggest there is more. I am not a sci fi kinda guy but the intrigue pulls. No comments on grammar or typos - I'm enjoying the read. The first 'miracle' is perhaps rushed - I need time to absorb what has happened and so should the constance.

Chapter 12 is a very different pace, more thriller than anything. Well written and as with the previous Chapters I've no comments on typos or grammar. Within this Chapter are 8 days - you appear to be building the pressure on Constance; I would suggest for the reader, we are looking for more and perhaps a faster pace. Are those middle days important, could this be absorbed into one? I felt the individual paragraphs worked but overall it lacked the pace of the earlier read. The story is there, and the voice, but with not a great deal of editing I feel you can improve voice and maybe even pace this read up. It is interesting and overall a read I stayed with. best. Steve.

great build up for this story; good pace too, taking us through your tale...this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

It was number 8 tonight, and at the end of the chapter Narise again wanted to read on, trying to convince me to give her the computer so she could read it herself. She said it was too good and she didn't want to stop. Though, she did tsk every time a rabbit was mentioned :) She didn't like the cute little bunnies ending up in Isaac's stomach...but she understood...but still tsked.

She thought Isaac's ability to pick up languages super fast was really cool, and also liked how he changed his appearance with dying and cutting his hair. His travels throughout the different countries also received favourable responses, as did the internet message. Like Isaac, she knew instantly that the last email wasn't from Isaac's father.

So, again, well done for capturing my daughter's full attention. I will leave a comment when I do number 9. Have a good night. -Marita.

Churchman is able to project the voice of youth, lay out a scene to where you feel every part of the room and move along an incredible story line all at once. Fantastic story.

Yahoo! I finished the book. In addition to being a terrific read, I think the book has a very important message. Of course, I've chosen it for my bookshelf and I'll promote it, but I would like to do something more. As I've said earlier, I work with teenagers who are charged with serious crimes, including murder. In the state I live in, Georgia, there is a law that allows them to imprison children ages 13-17 in adult prisons and to give them very lengthy, non-parolable sentences. It is not unusual for a 13 year old to receive a life sentence. However, the ones I see are still just kids - some more literate than others. Is there any way I can get this book to them? Would you like their feedback? They don't have access to the internet.
Sandy Arnold

I read number 7 to Narise last night, and again, she loved it. The action makes things rocket along, and there is always something exciting in each chapter to keep her interest. The men barging into Isaac's house, Isaac running, then escaping with Ruth's help, and then the men get close to Isaac again. I like how he escapes the country--very clever idea with the coach, and having him enter France. I can see them chasing Isaac across Europe now, and beyond. The international aspect allows for so much more. Will comment on the next chapter when I get back from Malaysia. -Marita.

I would like to explain my earlier comment about grammar. After reading the first two chapters, I couldn't remember seeing any grammatical errors, but "felt" like there had been some. I made the comment and then read to chapter 8 looking for grammatical errors and not finding any. Then, I thought it must be the difference in languages. You are writing in true English and I am reading in American. In chapter 8 I found the tiniest, most insignificant grammatical error. Here is why it is important to me. The most amazing thing about your writing is your timing and rhythm. Reading your book is the emotional and intellectual equivalent of running a marathon. The smallest grammatical break in the rhythm can be off-putting. It reminds me I am reading a book, not running away from the agency - that I'm a middle-aged fat lady and not a 14 year old superboy. Please do the tedious work of going back through the book and catching these tiny blips.

Your sense of timing is incredible. I was bored when your main character was bored and I sped through the action scene. I also loved your descriptions. You spent just the right amount of 'words describing people and place - not too skimpy and not too over-long so that it took from the action. Can't wait to read more. I'll certainly put this on my bookshelf. I was so pumped up by the action that I'm not sure but that I might have run across some grammatical or spelling errors. I didn't slow down enough to really note them, but, please go back over the book once you finish with a fine tooth comb and make sure they aren't there. They can be annoying and slightly distracting, especially when you're racing along with a really good action thriller. This book is fun. Thanks!
Sandy Arnold

Hi Philip,

Have finally got to reading the first half a dozen chapters of Ambassador 12. This is a rattling good read, great story - fast moving plot and nice hooks that keep me wanting to read on - so much so I nearly missed my stop on the train tonight I was that engrossed! Backed with pleasure and highly rated.

Couple of (I hope constructive) suggestions to enhance the work. You provide a lot of detail in the story. When you go back and re-edit have a look at those bits of detail and ask yourself if they're genuinely helping or hindering the telling of the story. There were a few times when I thought - is it essential that we need to know this detail? e.g. the fact the brake needs to be pressed to get the automatic transmission into drive on the BMW. Let the reader use their imagination and fill in some of the gaps for themselves. Your publisher will work with you on this when it gets to them, but it will help swing it with them even more if you've got your secateurs out before. An editor friend of mine subscribes to George Orwell's view that if you can use three words instead of five - go for the three words every time. I feel the same principle applies to the telling of detail in stories - particularly in the thriller/sci-fi genre. If it's acting in any way as a brake (excuse the pun) on the flow, see if anything is lost by leaving it out. You sometimes have to be a bit ruthless with yourself , but usually end up with a better result.

Looking forward to reading the rest of it. If I miss my train and end up in Norwich I may be knocking on your door!

Tim
Loud Laughs on a Long Journey

PS I'm now going to go and apply that sage advice to my own work!

BRILLIANT. The first chapter summarises what's going on whilst leaving SO much mystery. Very impelling to read on... and I will. Backed with pleasure!! :)

Does sound like a young Jason Bourne at first but develops its own near to unique concept and direction. Deeper than most sci fi imaginary worlds and well worth staying with to see what happens beyond chapter 1

Clive Radford
One Night in Tunisia

I've just got to the skiing episode in chapter 5. This held my attention throughout and I would be happy to go on reading. A gripping story that YA's should love. A smooth, easy read.

Hi Phillip-

Really great read. Wonderful pitch and fab adventure. You'll find a very good audience with this I'm sure. Backed!

Best of luck to you,

Claire-Curious Cooper and the Screaming Skulls

Hi Phillip, I have to say how much I liked your prologue, it was clear, compelling, good, strong writing. I'm looking forward to continuing on reading. Super job.

Hello Phillip, The Prologue to your story, Ambassador 12 drew me in. This is a unique concept and very well written for the genre(s) you have chosen. I am an adult and I enjoyed the first three chapters immensely. What child wouldn't wish to become Superman? Well done. When I have room on my shelf, I will place it there with pleasure, so until then it is going on my Watchlist. Highly starred.
Could you possibly find time to look at either of my two stories, please?
Best wishes
Phyllis
PAPER DREAMS & A PASSING STORM

Hello Phillip, The Prologue to your story, Ambassador 12 drew me in. This is a unique concept and very well written for the genre(s) you have chosen. I am an adult and I enjoyed the first three chapters immensely. What child wouldn't wish to become Superman? Well done. When I have room on my shelf, I will place it there with pleasure, so until then it is going on my Watchlist. Highly starred.
Could you possibly find time to look at either of my two stories, please?
Best wishes
Phyllis
PAPER DREAMS & A PASSING STORM

Hello Phillip, The Prologue to your story, Ambassador 12 drew me in. This is a unique concept and very well written for the genre(s) you have chosen. I am an adult and I enjoyed the first three chapters immensely. What child wouldn't wish to become Superman? Well done. When I have room on my shelf, I will place it there with pleasure, so until then it is going on my Watchlist. Highly starred.
Could you possibly find time to look at either of my two stories, please?
Best wishes
Phyllis
PAPER DREAMS & A PASSING STORM

Thanks so much for your backing and nice comments! I've just read your prologue and found it to be very well written; it easily draws the reader in. On my shelf, and looking forward to reading more :)

Rachel

You do a great job of building the tension and setting up page-turning scenes. I like the premise and the internal thoughts of the narrator. I've only read three chapters so far but I'll put it on my shelf and keep reading. Also very good description. One tech comment in the first line. "When the signal arrived" might sound better than "that the signal arrived." If you have a chance, I'd appreciate some feedback on my book, "Americans in America." Anyway, I'll have more feedback on the way,

Yo

I like this... a lot!
Have only read up to C4 so far, but i am happily glued.
The pace is fast, the language simple and the action very well described. so far, thoroughly enjoyable!
I can't wait to get to know Ruth and Hugo better, too...

just one Q - is not "save the cheerleader, save the world"?!

:)

Definately on my bookself for futher reading!

I read "A holiday in the mountains" and "Unwanted attention" to my daughter tonight, and again she loved it. In fact, the holiday chapter was her favourite, and by the end Narise said this: (Quote) "That was awesome, that was beyond awesome, that was incredibly cool, stupendous... (you get the picture)...This shouldn't be on this site, it should be published, I would certainly buy it...." I think my daughter is a fan (lol) to say the least.

Now, Narise loves action, and with the way you started off with Isaac learning how to ski, then progressing into his skills growing, then the avalanche and the rescue, you had her at the edge of her seat. I thought it was very well written as well, and it kept my attention throughout as I read it off to her in rapid fire.

Now nitpicks. Again extremely minor, you could even call them pedantic:
1) "I thought so," I grinned. **A grin is an action and not speech, therefore the comma after "so" needs to be swapped with a fullstop.
2) Your line: ...dinner with Dad and the girls... **I'd swap "the girls" with "my sisters" as it's more personal. I don't think I'd refer to my two sisters as the girls. You also used this reference to his sisters elsewhere.

The next chapter was also very good, showing how people can turn on you so quickly (mob-like proportions), especially if you're different. You also provoked a reaction from Narise here, and she wanted to punch that principal. She was so annoyed that Isaac was being treated in this way. She was saying that Isaac was the hero and Daventry deserved all he got :) She thought the principal was also useless since he didn't know what was happening in his own school. You certainly got Narise fired up, and firmly supporting Isaac like Ruth and Hugo did. She may have been annoyed with the outcome, but again, like in the previous chapters, was captivated by your text. So, when I told her that this was all for tonight she started begging for more. But, it was late and she has soccer tomorrow, so she got a firm "No."

My only nitpick from this chapter was the word: apoplectic. Now, when Narise asked me what it meant I couldn't answer and had to look it up. When you got an adult with a couple of degrees not knowing what a word means then maybe it needs to go, since the book is for YAs. Anyway, you've taught me a new word :)

Overall, excellent chapters, well deserving of getting my daughter's praise. I will comment on the followup chapters when I read her some more. Kind regards, Marita.

Philip,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps out is the phase.....you are like a Ferrari. From 0 to 200 in 5 seconds

Then there is phase...it has a fast phase...but is also steady, something that matters when you are flying through events

The dialogue has also plenty of goodies. Is compressed, it has colloquialisms, it has felt language

Finally the premise of you narrative. Not having read the whole thing and sticking to the blurb, these are aliens that come to save humanity rather than to destroy it. If that is the case, then that is the jewel here.

Why?

Because sci fy works best when is a metaphor for contemporary society. That is when it extrapolates contemporary questions into a world where is safe to attack them from multiple perspectives, perspectives that when brought to the present create controversy. As a global consultant., you probably realize, as I do, that the theme of the global village these days is regional integration.

That creates the problem of the self and the other. What happens when you neighbor (i.e. traditionally "the other") becomes your partner?

Sci fy in order to succeed today then cannot treat the other an an enemy, as it did during the cold war. It has to treat it as a partner, in order to represent a contemporary sensibility.

If that is your premise, as I understand it, then you are going in exactly the right track

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

The the literary style is a moment by moment perception, were each moment is a dangling act that promises the next one to have the same intensity as the previous one. That kind of promise is not easy to keep for, every time you sideway into a description or a character's psychological map, you are breaking the promise. And if you don't sideway the reader does not have a mind image - given by description - or a delicately fibrillated map that would make him care about the characters.

And that takes me to the two problems I think need to be finessed:

First there is a reason why every sci fy movie spends 30% of their budget on the first 3 minutes of the plot. And that reason is called the landscape shot. That is when you do sci fy you are introducing the reader to a world he/she has never seen before. An alternative universe that creates the kind of suspension of disbelief that makes the reader accept all the extraordinary premises that sci fy makes

Think of the starting scene in 2001. Or the one in the Fifth Element. Or the one in AI. Or the one in Star Trek.

You are missing the landscape shot. Without that, it doesn't read like a sci fy narrative, You need a visual post card that says to the reader

"Come...this is the world you about to be enter"

It has to be original in design, visually poetic so that the reader says: "Wow I have never seen that before"

Then you also need to give the main character an internal life, so that we not only see him doing this or that but also feeling this or that. A few lines here and there would suffice

Let me know if that helps,

Overall this is wonderful, 6 stars

david

Hi Philip, you have a good Sci-Fi story here, excellent description, plenty of excitement and a compelling read.
I think the young lads will go for this one, it's got everything there that lads associate with, the school bully brat pack, the thrill of the chase etc...this is all good stuff for a young age...you bet.
You have started the book off exceedingly well, this is so important.
It makes the difference as to whether a book will succeed or fail, whether it's purchased, or put back on the shelf of the bookshop to stay there.
Yours has definitely passed the test.
Pleased to star rate and find room on my shelf when I can. Well done!!

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST - SERIES.