I Rise-The Transformation of Toni Newman

Hi there - just extending the hand of friendship.

I'm still fairly new to the site, but I've found it to be an extremely constructive and rewarding experience so far, though it does pay to have a thick skin sometimes.

Backing books, making friends – that seems to be the way to raise the profile, so here I am. It would be fantastic to hear from you.

http://www.authonomy.com/books/44385/heart-on-fire/read-book/#chapter

Despite the improper dialog and character flaws, this is a necessary read. Regardless of the fact I am a novice in the area of editing this type of material, the message of the story is very clear. Thank you for bringing the 'Downlow' to the forefront.

Unlike some stories where an improvement in the writing will not make up for the character flaws or lousy dialogue -- this story is one that could really soar should you get it pinned down and precise. Most of my comments have already been covered by other reviewers here except for narration vs internal commentary.

You tell the story as a narrator but keep slipping in to your own thoughts without a proper indication. e.g. "During freshman orientation I felt like, wow, I am an adult now!" - you need to put the 'wow' part either in italics, or inverted commas ... something to keep you as the narrator and you as the person experiencing it separate.

All the best. If there is not a niche begging for this book, then we're all screwed! ;)

Toni,

I started to read your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The story starts with a map of identity confusion. You are there, free from home yet lost in a place where being different becomes a felt experience. Thus the journey toward finding kinship and a sense of alliance.

My advice is to place this first episode as a scene, rather than as a sequence of telling's. You arrive on campus, lost, and amidst that sense of loss, that night you go to a party and meet Jeff. The content is the same, the setting is what is difference.

You are not telling, you are showing.

The psychological map that emerges from the main character is deeply touching. Here is mama's boy, god grades, church going who cannot escape his true calling, a calling that he knows will be pushing him out of the mainstream, and so the search for a self narrative starts.

For, there is a multiplicity of impulses here that inhabit one self, all struggling for supremacy.

There is intensity without direction: I wana be a doctor...I wana party all night...I wana be my mother's eye....I wana be a drag queen.
.
The psychological map then is one of trying to build a narrative of the self that would encompass all this contradictory impulses.

Thus the tension

Since this is the central theme, I would focus a little bit more on the inner struggle rather than rushing from episode to episode;

Instead of the .. I did this....I did that.....place more focus on .....I felt this...I felt that

For it is the psychological map of the main character what drives this plot.

For example you write: "I was in awe" Explain that awe. How did they look as a result of the hormone treatment? Describe their bodies.

like when do it here" "She was voluptous...:"

you write: "I began to analiyze myself" How? What specifically?

Another prize in the novel is the dialogue: it has lingo....it has a beat....it flies..
You are under-utilizing the dialogue.
Some portions of the telling can be replaced by dialogue for, the dialogue places the characters in the present...in the now....thus making them more alive.

Overall, this is a story with a lot of potential.

Why?

Because identity is the subject of our times. We rarely get to read about characters whose identity conflict is in extremis. We hear the middle age man having an identity crisis and the Hispanic/African American as a fish out if it's bowl.

What we have here instead, is a a much more extreme identity crisis, one that pushes the need to build a narrative much further into the limits of self understanding.

There is guilt, self disgust, awe, the search of alliance, the need to belong, to accommodate the perceptions of the loved ones....

....all as a dangling act.

Thus, the need for this type of story to be told

Hope it helps

David

A bold, brave book with much to commend it and, I would have thought, just the sort of story that Harper Collins looks for.

I'm not sure you are totally doing the book justice with the chapters you have uploaded here. The upload appears to start with chapter 2 and to me, it does feel as if we have been dropped in the story in the middle. There is no chance to get to know the narrator in the way one would if reading from chapter 1 and that runs the risk of reducing the emotional response to some of the incidents you describe. I would have thought that a full emotional engagement with Toni would be extrememly desirable.

The language used here is clean and simple and flows smoothly and the simplicity of it may enhance the story being told, but given the apparently abrupt start to this upload, the simplicity of the prose may also serve to reduce the emotional impact still further.

Notwithstanding the above, this looks like it is a fascinating story and I should love to read the opening chapters in their entirety.

J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon

Hi, Toni. I went to put your book in my watchlist to read at a later point, as I have a big backlist, but after reading your pitch I decided it looked very interesting, and started reading right then and there. I wasn't disappointed either, and found it a good read. The way you progressed from starting college (the equivalent of university in New Zealand), detailing your studies, your new found freedom, the finding of the drag queen clubs, and so forth was nicely structured.

Often when I pick up a book, I look for things that are unfamiliar to me. Your description of the college, and the mentioning of race is something that is very different from my country. We don't have fraternities in New Zealand, and there isn't the feelings of separation between people of different nationalities like there is in America.

In regards to your experiences and desire to be a drag queen, then a transexual, this was also interesting. Your interest in Sociology makes sense. We all want to learn more about ourselves, making sense of why we are like we are. Though, I must admit, the bit about injecting yourself with silicone was rather scary. I only had time today for the first chapter, so I don't know how you fared, but I do know this is very dangerous and can cause a lot of damage.

I will read on later and find out what happens. All the best - Marita.

P.S. The start of your first chapter says "Chapter 2."

You write with the typical style of a first-time writer with an autobiography, slightly sparse, a simple recitation of facts. This is an observation, not a criticism. I think your story sufficiently unusual that you will have an offer of publication. Have you labelled it 'Harper True Life?' It might give you more of a chance with Harper Collins if you have.
Observations: I am an Australian, and some of the things struck me - first, that you seem to assume that you need to look for black friends, and that white and black don't mix. You speak of black fraternities, black schools, and when you went to College, you found black friends, even when there were so few there. I am not sure that that attitude is less prevalent here, or that it only seems to be less prevalent from the white side.

There were hardly any typos - (I read all the first chapter, and then started to skim.) Ch 1, 'this was first time' should be 'this was the first time,' and 'so I never mentioned I was student there' should be 'a student.' These are tiny, and while you should correct them in your master copy, I hardly think it's worth editing your book on Authonomy, especially as quite a few people will be looking at it by now.
And something that puzzled me: 'She was a very sexy, thick young lady.' What does 'thick' mean in this context. Is it a localised jargon? Because if it is, it does not translate.
Summary: You have an unusual story, and I fully expect that it will eventually become a published book.
Marj.

Dear Toni;
You are one of God's children, and God loves you. Not sure if this is the end of the story, but i hope there are some good news coming. A parent's love is unconditional, and your parents are no different. Reach out to them, be happy, be you.
I am putting your book on my WL, until there is room on my shelf.
God bless.
Maria

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it :)