The Fathers of the Sons

- The Fathers of the Sons -

(Based on the prologue and chapters one and two)

The premise for this is one that intigued me as I have also previously thought about a novel involving a search through a family tree. The idea is most likely one that will resonate with a lot of readers too, given the current trend towards researching ones family roots.

In general, I found this to be an absorbing read. What stood out to me more than anything was the very different style that each of the three chapters I read was in. But I'll come to that shortly. As a general comment, I'd suggest looking through some of the longer paragraphs and deiding whether they could be broken up at all. It's just easier for the reader if the paragraphs aren't too long. As things stand, there are some dense passages that can sometimes be difficult to read.

The prologue is very much a tense and action-filled afair, a nice hook to keep us wondering throughout the later chapters how Jimmy got to where he is. I did have a little difficulty what was happening thoughband felt things could have been smoothed out with a few more visual images to make things learer and more evocative.

The first chapter gives us a lot of exposition and characterition on Jimmy. Although it worked quite well for me, I had to wonder why there was so little of Jimmy interacting with others or dialogue, which always draws a character more sharply and more quickly into focus.

I wondered more about that last point upon reading chapter two as here we have almost all dialogue and interaction, quite the change of pace. I began to wonder as well why we had been given so little on Jimmy's wife up till this point as she is so prominent here. The plotting and tension here is good, with Jimmy trying to find out about his family and the poker game over the info going on with the estate agent. I enjoyed these scenes a lot.

As I say, this is absorbing and seems a story that with add depth and plot as it develops. I did have those issues with technique but those are something for the author to decide upon. I'm a complete novice as a writer so I make no claim to being correct in these things.

All the best with it,

Ross

Dear AJ-Vosse,

I enjoyed your poetic “me” page and your intelligent The Fathers of the Sons and wish you all the best.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Hey AJ, happily re backing.

jim

Hi AJ,
I read the next two chapters and they're excellent. Check your messages and reply when you can.
Cheers!
JBC

Very interesting read. Congrats!
I know this is nit-picky, but (and I know this can be difficult depending on the circumstance) I would recommend your building more dialogue into the chapters. It can intimidating to see nothing but block paragraphs. Yes, I know that's technical and not creative, but it's an editorial suggestion either way.
backed
- Genevieve
Under the Same Sky
published by Penguin Jan 2012

Hi David,

Thanks for the message. I've got your book on the WL... I'm also a bit of a slow reader so please give me time... As for my work on the site... it's draft number whatever... please excuse the errors, I'll soon have the professional copy uploaded...

Cheers for now,
AJ
http://ouchmybackhurts.wordpress.com/

Hi AJ

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Hi Ross,

Thanks for finding the time to have a look at 'Fathers'... thanks for your positive response to some of what you've seen. We are doing an edit... with the help of someone that understands the technical bit of writing somewhat better than what I do... I keep telling myself I'm a story teller and not an author!

Anyway... good luck to you in your last month before getting onto the Ed's Desk. I'm rather chuffed that I've been fortunate enough to have my book looked at by a few folk that have actually made it all the way!

Thanks again,
AJ

- The Fathers of the Sons -

(Based on the prologue and chapters one and two)

The premise for this is one that intigued me as I have also previously thought about a novel involving a search through a family tree. The idea is most likely one that will resonate with a lot of readers too, given the current trend towards researching ones family roots.

In general, I found this to be an absorbing read. What stood out to me more than anything was the very different style that each of the three chapters I read was in. But I'll come to that shortly. As a general comment, I'd suggest looking through some of the longer paragraphs and deiding whether they could be broken up at all. It's just easier for the reader if the paragraphs aren't too long. As things stand, there are some dense passages that can sometimes be difficult to read.

The prologue is very much a tense and action-filled afair, a nice hook to keep us wondering throughout the later chapters how Jimmy got to where he is. I did have a little difficulty what was happening thoughband felt things could have been smoothed out with a few more visual images to make things learer and more evocative.

The first chapter gives us a lot of exposition and characterition on Jimmy. Although it worked quite well for me, I had to wonder why there was so little of Jimmy interacting with others or dialogue, which always draws a character more sharply and more quickly into focus.

I wondered more about that last point upon reading chapter two as here we have almost all dialogue and interaction, quite the change of pace. I began to wonder as well why we had been given so little on Jimmy's wife up till this point as she is so prominent here. The plotting and tension here is good, with Jimmy trying to find out about his family and the poker game over the info going on with the estate agent. I enjoyed these scenes a lot.

As I say, this is absorbing and seems a story that with add depth and plot as it develops. I did have those issues with technique but those are something for the author to decide upon. I'm a complete novice as a writer so I make no claim to being correct in these things.

All the best with it,

Ross

Thanks... the family tree becomes evident from chapter 3 onward... hope you enjoy your search for the Boers... ;-)

Cheers,
AJ

An interesting start,when do the Boers come into it?best wishes,Strachan Gordon

Dear GK Stritch,

Thank you kindly for the great words and the backing... long may they last!! Good luck with your work too... long may your upward progress continue!

Cheers for now,
AJ
PS: Feel free to have a look at the blog if you so feel...

Dear AJ-Vosse,

I enjoyed your poetic “me” page and your intelligent The Fathers of the Sons and wish you all the best.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Hi Jane,

Thanks for your inputs... at least someone is still having a read ;-) To be honest... I hate my little mistakes... blame it on the lisdexia... I simply cannot see the errors... I'm hoping the dream of an offer from some kind soul for editing services will become a reality some day... You Keen? ;-) Could be a bit of light entertainment while you're on holiday!

Thanks again,
AJ
PS... I see your cover has changed to a generic one... are you still tweaking? Enjoy...

AJ.

Ch.5. You must mean Vivien saying more than she wished to 'reveal', and he is 'pursuing' his quest. And you think 'subconsciously'. I love your little mistakes, especially the one where Pedro told the table that supper was served. Oh - and the end is 'nigh'.

A last evening up at Mamma Rosa's. I'm tempted to pursue this genealogy thing with my own family...

And you're right. There are other places in this world as beautiful as Africa. We just have to find them, and be in the right frame of mind.
Jane.

AJ.

Ch.5. You must mean Vivien saying more than she wished to 'reveal', and he is 'pursuing' his quest. And you think 'subconsciously'. I love your little mistakes, especially the one where Pedro told the table that supper was served. Oh - and the end is 'nigh'.

A last evening up at Mamma Rosa's. I'm tempted to pursue this genealogy thing with my own family...

And you're right. There are other places in this world as beautiful as Africa. We just have to find them, and be in the right frame of mind.
Jane.

Hey AJ, happily re backing.

jim

Hi Margaret,

Wow... thanks for taking the time to put together such an insightful critique! You have given me much food for thought. Please allow me a day or two to reflect before I put my foot in it again... yes, you most definitely have many a valid point.

I sometimes think it was rather premature of me to upload the book... but then, if I did not I would not be getting quality advice like yours. There is no second hand working at this stage... I believe I loosened up as I got further along with the tale... I've always been living in my mind... developing stories... so once I actually got started the trickle grew to a more steady, easier flow... I'm also working on the continuation of Jimmy's saga... for that's what it has become for me...

Anyway, many thanks for your positive advice... I'll go away and think... maybe a glass or two red stuff less will be good... don't want the readers to think all the characters are raving alco's...

Cheers for now,
AJ,

PS, your book is still on my WL and when I have a bit more time to read it will most likely go back onto the shelf...

Hi AJ, I have read a number of chapters and scanned throughout Fathers and their Sons with great interest. With concentration the book is an absorbing read and might have fitted the 19th century book market with its inter-twining and highly contrasting stories. Unfortunately today's publishers and booksellers want to categorise their wares very tightly and when faced with this complex book they have a problem.

You have several plots, each of which could make a book, and it is not at all clear which is the dominant one. Is it the thriller which shows Jimmy's past catching up with him? Or is it the diary adventure of his ancestor, embedded as it is in Boer War history (which is particularly interesting for readers more likely to know the other side of the story. You have also played very cleverly by sliding into active 'showing' almost as soon as Jimmy starts reading. It would have been all too easy to stick with 'telling' through the diary's words which would have been far less effective). Or is it Jimmy's present day seeking for satisfaction in his life and career, or the much lighter (perhaps too light and lacking in tension) domestic friendship between Jimmy's family and Henry's? You do include in it several thought-provoking philisophical discussions which give this thread body, but you would have to choose your reader carefully if this is to work. I think what Gefordson was saying is that you have to choose one of these plots and make it dominant.

But you need to choose one these as the 'trunk of your tree'. If you choose any or all of the others as sub-plots you must use them only to push the main plot forwards but you have to make sure that they do not over-shadow the main one,thus unbalancing the book as a complete unit. The sub-plots have to attach to or grow naturally out of the main plot. And, as it stands, you have too many details in all of the plotswhich serve no purpose - e.g. great eating and drinking but far, far too much of them!

Also, cut out 'somewhat' everywhere, and any fluffy padding like 'perhaps' 'maybe' or 'just'. If a word, phrast or scene does not push the plot forward, cut it out. Then cut again, and again, to make a lean, clear story. And nine times out of ten, the simplest way of saying something it probably the best. - I would think especially in your second language.

Writing a novel in your first language is admirable. Doing so in a second is a triumph and I admire you for it. Inevitably it means that, unless you are totally fluent in both, there will be risk of cross-over between the two. You think in one but translate from it into the other - including nuances, verb constructions etc. which may not be natural in the second, a particular danger if the languages are philologically close. (I am presuming that your first tongue is Afrikaans.) Translating proverbs is not so much a problem because they can add an unexpected freshness to the work.

As for the language glitches, - you have now cut out too many 'had's! To help you, may I point you towards a great website for writers and researchers, Suite101. Look at their grammar section and you will find lots of short items (400-800 words) on single language topics, written by experts. Type in the topic you want to study, (say commas or Past Historic tense,) etc and the articles will be listed.

I sensed a second hand at work in some parts of your book. Publishers today cannot afford to pay editors to prepare scripts for print. There are private editors for hire, some of them very good, but they are expensive and in the long run it would be much better for you if you were to become an assured master of the skills yourself. I feel sure you could do it, and you have already done the bulk of the hard work in this book.

Because I enjoyed the stories so much I am starring this book well, but because it has a fair way to go before being ready for publishing I feel it would be unfair - to you - to shelve it. But I do wish you welll with this and hope you will pick up the challenge and eventually produce a triumph.

Margaret Woodward :The Devil's Bairn

I shall surely try... thanks again Stephen,
AJ

Keep up the good work!
SJP

Ch.4. The French paragraph made me sit up and take note! The diary notes are exciting, and Seamus's enthusiasm for the Valerie is catching.
Jimmy's misgivings are so natural, and his character is developing well. You have a good story here. People love to find out about their ancestors, so you should be able to gather a sizeable readership, too.
Just a thought: I wonder if it would be more realistic and varied if you treated the South African bits as flashabcks, through Jimmy's eyes, rather than the narrative form, with all the "his fathers".
You handlewell the chatter and exchange of information between Henry, Jimmy and Vivien.
I am enjoying your story more and more.
More stars, and back onto my shelf for a while.
Jane.

Hi Catherine,

Thanks for your continued support... I'll keep you informed of Jimmy's further exploits... if there are any... Well, I hope so! Pass on the word please... I need all the support I can get since reloading the book...

Cheers for now,
AJ

i really enjoyed this read - keeps you wanting to turn the pages from page to page, chapter to chapter. have placed it on my watchlist, bookself and given it well deserving stars! thanks for writing it and best of luck
Catherine/Cathon.

Hi Genevieve,

Thanks for returning... your inputs and backing are valued...

Cheers,
AJ

Hi Boris,

Thanks for the backing and stars... I'm rather happy folk are returning to 'Fathers' with positive intent... your help is welcome.

Cheers,
AJ

5 stars

Hi AJ,
I read the next two chapters and they're excellent. Check your messages and reply when you can.
Cheers!
JBC

AJ,
I’ve read enough here to feel that you need to do more than give this to an editor. An editor won’t do the work you think they will – which is give you a writing style.
When you say that ‘English is essentially my second language’ it shows and painfully detracts from the work. You won’t get by just on story. To be brutally honest no agent or publisher will give this more than a glance before rejecting it. If and when you pitch this project it won’t be face to face it’ll be through an email or letter and your other communication strengths won’t be effective. The market is saturated and people in the trade have the luxury of being able to give less and less time to supporting would be authors.
My advice would be not to tinker with what you have here but to start again by writing out a clear plan and then aiming to flesh that out slowly, taking time to develop characters, working on good dialogue and taking time to come up with effective descriptions. If that all sounds like homework I apologise. Old teaching habits die hard.
Best of luck with this. You have a good story and obvious commitment. I hope it works out.
Geoff.

Thanks for your positive take on things... I don't quite understand how and why you have to log your comments four times... I don't really have difficulty reading something once... on a more positive note though... I thought there would be real merit in your work... only thing... I found your writing style difficult... so, lets just agree to disagree...

So long... good luck,
AJ

Overall, there is a good story here,but a lot of dead wood: repetition, unecessary information, really slows it down. I don't get the connection between the opening and ch 2. Phrases like: it quickly became evident', lots of stodgy space fillers. show don't tell us what's going on. We don't need all the stuff of setting up business in a new country etc, unless there's something truly remarkable about it. Figure out what it is you are trying to say. Too much of your prose reads like a holiday postcard. Sorry, but hope this helps. Find a few truly great authors in a similar genre, look at how they structure sentences, paragraphs, see what works for them and then apply it to this and you will have an interesting book.

Overall, there is a good story here,but a lot of dead wood: repetition, unecessary information, really slows it down. I don't get the connection between the opening and ch 2. Phrases like: it quickly became evident', lots of stodgy space fillers. show don't tell us what's going on. We don't need all the stuff of setting up business in a new country etc, unless there's something truly remarkable about it. Figure out what it is you are trying to say. Too much of your prose reads like a holiday postcard. Sorry, but hope this helps. Find a few truly great authors in a similar genre, look at how they structure sentences, paragraphs, see what works for them and then apply it to this and you will have an interesting book.

Overall, there is a good story here,but a lot of dead wood: repetition, unecessary information, really slows it down. I don't get the connection between the opening and ch 2. Phrases like: it quickly became evident', lots of stodgy space fillers. show don't tell us what's going on. We don't need all the stuff of setting up business in a new country etc, unless there's something truly remarkable about it. Figure out what it is you are trying to say. Too much of your prose reads like a holiday postcard. Sorry, but hope this helps. Find a few truly great authors in a similar genre, look at how they structure sentences, paragraphs, see what works for them and then apply it to this and you will have an interesting book.

Overall, there is a good story here,but a lot of dead wood: repetition, unecessary information, really slows it down. I don't get the connection between the opening and ch 2. Phrases like: it quickly became evident', lots of stodgy space fillers. show don't tell us what's going on. We don't need all the stuff of setting up business in a new country etc, unless there's something truly remarkable about it. Figure out what it is you are trying to say. Too much of your prose reads like a holiday postcard. Sorry, but hope this helps. Find a few truly great authors in a similar genre, look at how they structure sentences, paragraphs, see what works for them and then apply it to this and you will have an interesting book.

Thanks Rab... I hope you enjoy,

Cheers,
AJ

Hi Vossie, so I had aread, as promised, when can I go to SA for a holiday?? keep writing, I am not a book 'person', but I do read 6-10 books a year, and this is up there with the best!!, keep it going, cheers, Rab

Hi Jane,

Thanks for your re-backing and advice... yes, my book needs a bit of TLC, I'm really thinking of letting an editor at the whole thing... as soon as funds are availible. I think I'll stick to the story telling and get someone that has the real know how at getting it in shape...

Cheers for now,
AJ

Ch.3 - AJ, you've still got some multiple adjectives to do away with...
I know what it entails having to jump ship at a moment's notice - many of my friends did just that. I also understand the feeling of alienation when you translocate from Africa.
But it's your story-line - the search for your ancestor - which takes people's fancy. It is a great story, and would flow better if you recorded conversation as it is spoken in everyday life, rather than as a tool for conveying information to the reader.
Hope this helps. Jane.

Hi Laila,

Thanks for the re-visit... I appreciate your help... you are still on my WL and although I'm not too fond of the darker stories I'll have a look again in the near future... PS... refering to one of the earlier comments from your initial backing... thanks for saying it seems almost real... maybe I'm getting somewhere if I can get people to think it's more than just a tale... ;-)

Thanks again... good luck with your work...

Cheers,
AJ

Dear AJ. I have read 3 chapters of your book for now. I love the way you start to write the opening of the book. It is very real almost as this feels like it is a true story and not a novel. I have travelled to SA many many times and i know the situation about the white people leaving the country. I would have loved to read more about the life in SA before moving to Ireland. The challenge by not only changing country but continent would maybe even have a bigger effect of steering up the emotions to the reader (that is just me, because i know so many people that have left SA, its a huge thing to do) I love the way you also describes the arrival in Ireland its very authentic. I think this is well written!
Laila

Hi Genevieve,

You most definitely have a valid point... I will give it some thought and also visit your website to see if I could take you up on your offer of editorial support... thanks for the backing, I especially appreciate the wide diversity of backers the book seems to be gaining... It's rather gratifying to get positive feedback from someone that is actually going to get published soon ;-)

Cheers for now,
AJ

Hi Jim,

Thanks for the backing and the positive comment... I've got your book on my WL and hope to read some in the next week.

Cheers,
AJ

Nice work....backing again.

jim

Very interesting read. Congrats!
I know this is nit-picky, but (and I know this can be difficult depending on the circumstance) I would recommend your building more dialogue into the chapters. It can intimidating to see nothing but block paragraphs. Yes, I know that's technical and not creative, but it's an editorial suggestion either way.
backed
- Genevieve
Under the Same Sky
published by Penguin Jan 2012

Very interesting read. Congrats!
I know this is nit-picky, but (and I know this can be difficult depending on the circumstance) I would recommend your building more dialogue into the chapters. It can intimidating to see nothing but block paragraphs. Yes, I know that's technical and not creative, but it's an editorial suggestion either way.
backed
- Genevieve
Under the Same Sky
published by Penguin Jan 2012

HI Catherine,

Thanks for all your great feedback... I hope to have the final chapters complete soon... I'll let you when that happens... ;-)

Thanks and cheers for now,
AJ

Hi AJ,
I have completed all 22 chapters now, i just kept reading, needing to know what happens next!! I hate to be left hanging...Really enjoyed the story and loved the easy flow of writing used! I have placed it on my bookshelf & watchlist and have star rated it highly, best of luck with it, hope to see it completed soon.

Catherine/Cathon.

Hi Stephen,

Thanks for that... I'm doing a bit of an edit at the moment so don't be too surprised if you find errors from now up to about chapter 15 ;-)

Cheers,
AJ

Hi AJ,

Read the first 4 chapters this morning and enjoyed it very much so far. On my bookshelf etc. Good luck!

Stephen

Nice one AJ .. read the first 4 chapters .. look forward to reading the next 4 ...

Hi there,

Thanks for that... don't forget to put it on your bookshelf... if you think it deserves to be there...

Cheers,
AJ

This is definitely something i will continue to read.

Hi Cathon,

There are four more up now...please let me know how you get on at the end... ;-)

Thanks,
AJ

Hi AJ,

Thanks for putting up the next 4 chapters, enjoyed them as much as the earlier ones, keep them coming, cant wait to see what happens next!

Cathon.

Hi Jane,

Thanks for all your good advice and pointers... yes, I know the word 'had' creeps in too often... so do the dreaded exclamation marks. Two excuses, if I may... English is essentially my second language and I have never had a single day's writers training apart from the good old school essays... and that was a life time away (oops, almost used an exclamation again ;-)... getting back to exclamations... I'm a very expressive speaker... hands, facial expressions... tone... you get my drift... that's why I tend to think everything must be emphasised.

I've stared at my own writing for too many months now, I've attempted the self editing thing, with some success. I've managed to fix quite a lot and re-write portions... however, I feel I'm sort of a write by the seat of my pants type, if that is any explanation at all. I wish a professional editor will volunteer their precious time and efforts and apply their skills to polish the script...

I talk too much... I've re-backed your book... good luck to you and your progress up the lists as well. Something that I'm definitely going to pinch from you for my next book is to include 'Africa' in the title somehow... yes, I'm learning as I go along. I've only been on the site for a week now and I think I'm suffering from information overload! (excuse that one... ;-) ...please?)

Thanks again for your time... keep reading, most of Africa is later in the book...
AJ

AJ - It was good to have another glimpse of Africa, even if only in the Prologue, but I expect more is to come in the following pages. Yours is an tinriguing story, which draws you in from the start. You give tantalising hints of problems to come, and skilfully leave a "hook" at the end of chapters, to lead the reader on. Wish I were as talented as that...
One or two style-type points, which I hope you will take in the spirit with which they're offered -
Your writing might flow even better if you simplified some of the sentences. i.e. something like: "He believed the Cessna 172 parked on the hard stand would give him a chance of making his getaway", instead of the rather convuluted way you expressed it.
Perhaps less of the "hads" and "had beens" would make for better flow, and a change of tenses: "Time flew by" instead of "Time had flown by."

Editors hate exclamation marks - they call them howlers, so try and avoid them. Also using fewer adjectives will add crispness to your writing, making it flow better.

Your rate of progress up the ranking ladder is impressive, and I want to read more, so I have no hesitation with backing your book. Good luck with it.

Very many thanks for "backing" Breath of Africa. For some reason, the fact has not been registered against my book - there must be a glitch somewhere. if you remember, might you please try and re-back it?
Jane (Breath of Africa)

Hi John,

Thanks for reading... please continue and pass on the good advice, I'll hopefully try and get further into your book this weekend,

Cheers,
AJ