Three months' notice

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

I really appreciate your having taken time to read my work and the thoughtful comments you've made, Anthony. They certainly hit home as I've had other comments such as yours - tho' not so critically detailed as yours. I don't mind admitting that I really have to stand back and take another view of the work and then take a sharp editorial pencil to it and make the story much more discernible through all the words. That won't be easy as I don't have a great deal of time these days since work has become so 'unmissable' (i.e. hugely busy).

I was looking forward to a nice relaxing recession but we're so-o-o-o busy right now and that's not happening! If there's anything you may want me to do for you...

Nicko, while beginning a novel with the description of a toothache is an interesting idea, this does not quite work, partly because the description is too long and partly because it is overwritten. Phrases such as ‘conducting it like a magnet’ don’t quite work: magnets do not conduct. And what is the purpose of starting with this? You introduce it but then abandon it so that it is no more than an anecdote.

Similarly, you spend far too long on the woodpecker. Indeed, you tend to overstate the case each time. You do the same thing in Chapter two with the ‘twos’. Once the point is made, move on.

There is a lot of reflective inward-looking discussion but not much movement forward in the narrative. So much so, in fact, that I don’t know what Chapter two is about. Chapter three is, again, introspective without much discernable movement in the narrative. This seems to be repeated in each chapter thereafter and I am left wondering what this about.

While I appreciate that you want to convey a character who is being reflective as he considers his life, you need to have a narrative thread to carry the reader with you. By this I mean that his reflections need to come out what we see him doing, how he behaves, rather than what he is thinking. Without forward movement, you have no more than a collection of disconnected anecdotes on the awfulness of one person’s life. We need to see its awfulness, not to be told about it.

While the idea is not a bad one, although it has been done many times before in literature and on screen so that you run the risk of having a derivative tale, I have to say that I could not discern a plot in this.

Nicko, while beginning a novel with the description of a toothache is an interesting idea, this does not quite work, partly because the description is too long and partly because it is overwritten. Phrases such as ‘conducting it like a magnet’ don’t quite work: magnets do not conduct. And what is the purpose of starting with this? You introduce it but then abandon it so that it is no more than an anecdote.

Similarly, you spend far too long on the woodpecker. Indeed, you tend to overstate the case each time. You do the same thing in Chapter two with the ‘twos’. Once the point is made, move on.

There is a lot of reflective inward-looking discussion but not much movement forward in the narrative. So much so, in fact, that I don’t know what Chapter two is about. Chapter three is, again, introspective without much discernable movement in the narrative. This seems to be repeated in each chapter thereafter and I am left wondering what this about.

While I appreciate that you want to convey a character who is being reflective as he considers his life, you need to have a narrative thread to carry the reader with you. By this I mean that his reflections need to come out what we see him doing, how he behaves, rather than what he is thinking. Without forward movement, you have no more than a collection of disconnected anecdotes on the awfulness of one person’s life. We need to see its awfulness, not to be told about it.

While the idea is not a bad one, although it has been done many times before in literature and on screen so that you run the risk of having a derivative tale, I have to say that I could not discern a plot in this.

Hmm. I wrote a comment earlier and was going to add to it but now it's gone. So, then I will just write everything here.

I almost walked away from this. I've mentioned in other posts that it takes a lot for me to give up on a book. You write beautifully but you totally lost me in the first 3 chapters. Way too wordy. I forced myself to skim 2 and 3 just to see if I was anywhere close to getting to the point of the story. I would suggest trimming the first 3 down a bit.

Now on to chapter 4. Again, you write beautifully. But something happened in this chapter. You were descriptive, but not wordy. You didn't skimp on details, but managed to keep the story moving. That's what I would suggest you try to rework for the first 3. For this reason I am going to keep reading.

I'll be back later.
~Michelle

Hi Nicko, This sounds interesting. I've put it on my WL.

Joanna

Hi Nico

You have an incredible talent for writing, that much is evident. In fact, too evident. The first chapter in particular, for me, was overwritten. Beautiful description and thought provoking ideas, but so many that they lost their power. The next few chapters were easier on the eye, but I worry that a publisher might pass this over given their lack of time. I loved the humour and the great deftness you deployed with the firing scene - it still came as a shock even though I'd been prewarned with the pitch.

I feel that if the work could be thinned out a little it would be an easier read, for me at least. I can only comment from my point of view of course, and will not be offended at all if you dismiss it. At this point I feel the need to reiterate that I love your phrasing and imagery.

I wish you luck with this,

Kat

Nicko, I'm finally getting around to this, and I'm sorry it's taken so long.

There are things in here I really like, and things that just don't work for me. But let's start with what I like.

The prose in places is layered and beautiful, and the main character has a unique voice of that drips with the sarcasm and wry bitterness of the middle-aged middle-level manager (like me - so I could relate). There's some biting humor in it, which I love. The stream of consciousness flow is interesting and can pull the reader into the character's head very quickly. When you follow a long paragraph of near poetic, lyrical description with a one-liner like "Twat! they must think" it really bites well. Picturing this guy walking down the street bobbing his head back and forth to see what a woodpecker does was just hilarious. The description of the tooth pain was both realistic and painfully funny, as was his observations about the receptionist at the dentist office.

On the downside - at least for me, and as always this is purely personal preference - the description is over-the-top, overkill. To the point my eyes glazed over and I started skimming. Pulling one example at random: Sun-lit from behind, the banked up clouds appear as a vast mountain range fringed with electric orange snow along their white-grey peaks. Gnarled hulks of trees flanking the route to the station, knuckled and waving in the wind, splinter my squint.

I have trouble getting through three, four, five paragraphs of that at a stretch. For me, less is more. You've got 4 or 5 really great descriptions in there, when one would bring it to life for the reader more clearly. Too much description becomes no description as most readers can't retain and visualize all of those descriptions. Long stretches of that kind of description pulls the reader out of the story for too long. When it's in the character's voice, it's interesting. When it goes off in paragraphs of overwritten description of leaves, it goes on so long and so much I would feel the story left me.

Halfway through the second chapter, it just left me. I had to set it aside and do something else. I came back to it later and tried again, but no go. Without some scenes, some interaction between characters, all internal monologue in stream of consciousness, and the overly descriptive stretches, I couldn't stay engaged with the character, even though when he was the focal point I found it interesting. I don't know if the style changes in the 3rd chapter and begins to scenes with people and dialog and interaction, or if the entire novel is in this same style. While interesting, I couldn't read an entire novel in this style.

You demonstrate some serious writing skills. The story completely intrigues me (sounds very true to life to me right now). But it's not a structure that can hold my attention. My recommendations, for what they're worth (which ain't much), is to keep this character's voice and the humor, keep but pare down the description by 75%, and build scenes to show the character and the story, using his internal monologue to comment on the interaction with others. Of course, that might just be how I'd write it, and it's your story, not mine.

Hi Robb

Your comments really were appreciated last week / 10 days' back. I read them with great interest and I thank you for your very acute reading. I've tried -- in between -- masses of work, to do as you're suggesting. I'm still not succeeding because it takes more time than I've got (lame and pathetic excuse) but if you have a moment to give the first few chaps a quick scan (not too cheeky, I hope, because everything takes time and effort) I'd really value your comments!

With big thanks

Nicko, I'm finally getting around to this, and I'm sorry it's taken so long.

There are things in here I really like, and things that just don't work for me. But let's start with what I like.

The prose in places is layered and beautiful, and the main character has a unique voice of that drips with the sarcasm and wry bitterness of the middle-aged middle-level manager (like me - so I could relate). There's some biting humor in it, which I love. The stream of consciousness flow is interesting and can pull the reader into the character's head very quickly. When you follow a long paragraph of near poetic, lyrical description with a one-liner like "Twat! they must think" it really bites well. Picturing this guy walking down the street bobbing his head back and forth to see what a woodpecker does was just hilarious. The description of the tooth pain was both realistic and painfully funny, as was his observations about the receptionist at the dentist office.

On the downside - at least for me, and as always this is purely personal preference - the description is over-the-top, overkill. To the point my eyes glazed over and I started skimming. Pulling one example at random: Sun-lit from behind, the banked up clouds appear as a vast mountain range fringed with electric orange snow along their white-grey peaks. Gnarled hulks of trees flanking the route to the station, knuckled and waving in the wind, splinter my squint.

I have trouble getting through three, four, five paragraphs of that at a stretch. For me, less is more. You've got 4 or 5 really great descriptions in there, when one would bring it to life for the reader more clearly. Too much description becomes no description as most readers can't retain and visualize all of those descriptions. Long stretches of that kind of description pulls the reader out of the story for too long. When it's in the character's voice, it's interesting. When it goes off in paragraphs of overwritten description of leaves, it goes on so long and so much I would feel the story left me.

Halfway through the second chapter, it just left me. I had to set it aside and do something else. I came back to it later and tried again, but no go. Without some scenes, some interaction between characters, all internal monologue in stream of consciousness, and the overly descriptive stretches, I couldn't stay engaged with the character, even though when he was the focal point I found it interesting. I don't know if the style changes in the 3rd chapter and begins to scenes with people and dialog and interaction, or if the entire novel is in this same style. While interesting, I couldn't read an entire novel in this style.

You demonstrate some serious writing skills. The story completely intrigues me (sounds very true to life to me right now). But it's not a structure that can hold my attention. My recommendations, for what they're worth (which ain't much), is to keep this character's voice and the humor, keep but pare down the description by 75%, and build scenes to show the character and the story, using his internal monologue to comment on the interaction with others. Of course, that might just be how I'd write it, and it's your story, not mine.

Hi, First thing to say is that you can write beautifully - descriptions that convey powerful images. - eg the leaves / the toothache, and lines that are taut and to the point - 'I'm not sure she meant it as a joke.'
I enjoy reading this kind of atmospheric writing, but I did spot a couple of probs here. - ' How I must look then' is very clumsy. / 'Here's some middle-aged bloke...' -'they must think' weakens impact for me. - Serves no function, not needed. / Final para would be much stronger starting at 'Years that have flown away...' and deleting the questions it currently opens with. Uncertainties like this weaken writing.
The biggest issue I see here - for the average reader (and hence many editors) are the length of sentences - one in the para beginning 'But above the ebb and flow...' is 8 lines long. Prob here is that however good the writing (and yours is) people will drop away if they can't access the writing reasonably easily.
But in general this is an easy read and you have some great ways of expressing things.
Staying on my watchlist just now.
Good luck with this,

Margaret (Munro's Choice)

This website has a knack of defeating me every time I think I'm making headway with it. I'm trying (and hoping) to say thanks for your very considered comments on my work. When I started writing this, I never 'envisaged' it online and so didn't think about electronic appearances, if you know what I mean.

However, this site has taught ne that you need to write for the medium...and that's not paper! So, yes, I shall be looking at the opening again with two main objectives: (i) to get into the story more quickly and (ii) to make it more 'electronic reader freindly'.

Appreciate all your comments very much :-)

Hi there. Had to stop by for a bit of a read of this when I saw Great Aunt Ida's Revenge on your bookshelf. First of all ouch - that description of the tooth ache was a little too good. ;-) Unusual way to open a book but it actually worked, got me reading more. You have a lively and entertaining style, and I did find myself chuckling along the way. Surely a good sign after the dental sympathy pains. I think my main cautionary note would be in reference to the length of some of the paras, it can be a little intimidating on a page - especially for a bit of comedy - the effect though is magnified here on the screen, it's worth bearing in mind, so mightn't be so pronounced in an actual book. But see what you think and at least consider breaking up some of the longer paras into smaller parcels. Other than that, not much to complain about here. I will confess it didn't *grab* me in any dramatic way, but like I said it did entertain me and if that is what you're aiming for, then well done, sir. With a spot of editing and polishing (ha, good dentist joke there) I think you could have something here.

Hi there. Had to stop by for a bit of a read of this when I saw Great Aunt Ida's Revenge on your bookshelf. First of all ouch - that description of the tooth ache was a little too good. ;-) Unusual way to open a book but it actually worked, got me reading more. You have a lively and entertaining style, and I did find myself chuckling along the way. Surely a good sign after the dental sympathy pains. I think my main cautionary note would be in reference to the length of some of the paras, it can be a little intimidating on a page - especially for a bit of comedy - the effect though is magnified here on the screen, it's worth bearing in mind, so mightn't be so pronounced in an actual book. But see what you think and at least consider breaking up some of the longer paras into smaller parcels. Other than that, not much to complain about here. I will confess it didn't *grab* me in any dramatic way, but like I said it did entertain me and if that is what you're aiming for, then well done, sir. With a spot of editing and polishing (ha, good dentist joke there) I think you could have something here.

Thanks Chris

I have had, as they say, mixed reviews. Probably not supposed to admit to that but, hey, stick the work up there and let the people talk! It's not bad but I think there's something to say about getting into the story more quickly. So I'll probably get to amend the opening of this. I have a plan! But thank you so much for your comments. Anyone who bothers to readthink and then pen something is a friend. :-)

I've just finished your first chapter. There's something hypnotic about your writing style and I found myself getting more and more drawn in.

I will be reading onwards shortly and then hope to shelve. I'm off on holiday at the end of the week though, so it might be a little delayed.

Chriss Corkscrew
'A Fistful of Magic'

Nicko,

Some comments here. I'll have a nother look later, but it's almost dinner time and I want to jot this down before I forget.
I've read chapter 1 and 2. I thought the dentist-phobia was a spot of fun. I'm one of those rare beings without fillings, but I can really imagine this. There is also a lot of funny observations in the narrative.
I have one big concern about it: it goes on for too long. Far too long in my opinion. From the pitch, I feel that the inciting incident of this novel is going to be Nigel losing his job. When you start with the dentist scene, I could imagine a quick funny scene that leaves him groggy and dozy turning up at work to be called into the CEO's office looking like a hamster, to be told he's getting the sack. Those were my expectations. I squizzed at chapter 3, and you jump six months? Why? Funny as it is, what does the dentist scene add to the plot? OK, I will come back and have another look at later chapters, but that is my feeling at the moment. You write well, Nigel's voice is funny, but I'm wondering if you've started the story in the right place.

This is so timely, with all the baby boomers retiring I'm sure alot of people will be able to relate to this. I think it might be a tad too flowery, too many descriptives, but that just might be personal taste. But, I do think you have captured the essense of growing old, especially with that toothache, I have one right now.

Hi Nicko. this has great promise. there are things you do extremely well, the continuation of the stabbing pain descriptions, the evident universal anxiety of your hero. I think there are a couple of angles you might want to consider revising. firstly I think it's worth looking at your sentence construction, especially near the beginning of chapter one. eg, full stop after magnet, leave out the and, then start a new sentence. then - First drilling sharply etc, then gnawing etc. and maybe, the banked-up clouds, backlit by the sun, etc. I think that you could make the writing flow more just by rearranging a word or 2 here and there.
now the construction of the novel as a whole. I know there's a lot of extra info packed in but for me the whole tooth thing (2 chapters?) goes on too long. this may be a very personal opinion due to my dentist phobia! however, we then jump back to UK (?) then back to the first location and I'm beginning to lose the thread of what you're trying to say. I think flashback, backstory etc can actually be the main story so I'm not against those but I do feel there needs to be something fundamental, some focus, carrying the book on. think about this but don't feel you need to agree with me. reading online slows things down and also I'm getting very hungry which I'm sure is taking my own focus. potentially very good writing that might benefit from a little refining and the plot being brought together a bit. Ali.

Chapter 2 - rather reading your diary! As if you have left it open on the sideboard for me to check out. :-)

I have started reading just to let you know. ;-)

Watchlisted, lest I forget

I'll pop up here now!!!
See once you befriend an angel - she gets everywhere....
Just to say thanks for reading my book! Coooooool! Hey, and if you like it, nudge nudge, you can always back it. ;-) Just a thought....
You are officially on my watchlist.
Hannah

Hi Nicko, thanks for your comments on 'Itch', much obliged. Hopefully you'll read more when I get around to posting it. I'll return the favour and comment on Three Months Notice shortly. Cheers!

Thanks for your straight talking, Jo Carroll. I'm trying to make semi-desperation sound 'comical' here...because it's important that NIgel Freeman has to survive. Stuff happens, as they say, and trying to deal with everything in 'real time' can be tough. But Nigel isn't too blind...!

Thanks Nicko for your comments on Evil. Much appreciated. Hopefully Harper Collins will feel the same way. I also have a kids' book posted here at the moment, if you'd like to have a look at that. But in the meantime many thanks again and I hope to be able to take a look at Three Months' Notice before too long!

Aha...! From the position of the last email I sent (in semi-desperation) I think I've twigged how this works! So to SPMiskowski a big thank you for some really heartening comments. I know the 'prose' goes on a bit but if you can stick with, there is a point!!! To Richard P-S another big thank you for some observant commentary. And more big thank yous to FaithB whose comments on saying that she stayed to read when packing up and going home early might have been an easier option!
If this is using the system correctly (?) then I'd like to say what a fab idea this site is. Finding new works of fiction (my preference) to read ad infinitum is absolutely brilliant. Then being able to make and share comments...wow! Big bookcub online. I'll keep adding my chapters when I finish the day job each day!

Thanks to anyone who has made a comment about my work. If I knew how this email system worked I'd have sent a a more personal message!

Hello Nicko, I love your opening and your style of writing really appeals to me. I suspect the subject matter will strike a chord too, and I can see I will be drawn in and lose track of time - so I'm sticking you on my bookshelf.
Good luck!
Faith

Dear Nicko,

Thanks for putting BB on your shelf despite the subject matter. I must admit that it can be a difficult read exactly because of that. Thanks again. And good luck with Three Months. R

I like this. It has an almost streams of consciousness apeal to it that makes me become a part of the story. It deals with everyday things that we hate to acknowledge. A universal truth.

It does need editing (punctuation police hat on here); that would make it tighter.

I think there's enough potential here for me to put it on my rotating bookshelf.

R

Hello Nicko,
Thanks for popping by and shelving my book, I really appreciate that. I've had a dip into Three Month's Notice, and enjoyed it. It is well written and your descriptive pieces are excellent. I loved the opening paragraph particularly, although it had me holding my own cheek! I shall put it on my rotating shelf briefly, and I know you will leap from that 737 position. (...sounds like a plane!)
Nicky
(Chickens and Churchbells)

Dear Nicko,

It does get a bit upsetting as you go along, I'm afraid. But life's like that, and when you get to my age, there's no point in avoiding that fact anymore.

Thanks for shelving BB. Really appreciate it. Have added you to my watchlist.

R