The Unfaithful Seven

Alasdair,
Wow this is pro writing if I've ever seen it. The casual opening as Steve glows in his own brilliance is accented with the image of a hanging man dripping his own fluids. Hilarious, as the house keeper just cleans it up without reaction before calling the police. Then we are on to the pub with brilliant dialect between Quinnie and Ratner shooting for gold. Also hilarious how Quinnie seems quite content in the trunk of the Mercedes, lolling off to sleep. You have a wonderful writing voice and the story is so entertaining in every paragraph. A British sense of humor for sure but quite funny universally. Fun read, good luck with your great story.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Help ma boab! I'm so glad I came here for another feast of this. It rollocks along at a rollocking pace. Great fun for one an' all!

This book is a pleasure to read. The characters and situations are introduced at the perfect rate and the story develops properly with each new chapter. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hey Alasdair,
I promised to come back for another read a few months ago and when I did it wasn't here. I've just seen it's returned and glad I found it. I'm not sure if I backed it last time I read (I'm guessing by my previous comments that I didn't) but it's definitely worth a shelf now.
Cheers!
Simon
ps. got a new book up if you get the time to have a look.

Well, what a nice tongue in cheek romp. How utterly kind of Catherine to clean up before calling the police. A project getting through on its own merits without greasing the wheels? How unlikely!
Poor Louis, what a mess to be in, tsk, tsk.
This is funny and well done. Delightful. On my shelf. Oh, one thing. You need an original cover. This is the fourth book I've looked at this week with that cover. It does nothing to showcase our great book.
Jeff

Hi Alasdair!

Since you haven’t been to Authonomy for a while, I hope it’s okay that I’m sending this through your book comment:

I’d like to thank you for backing BRAINRUSH (a Thriller) last year. Because of you it hit the Authonomy Number-1 slot, attracted an agent, and landed a film option. Now that’s a brain-rush! The formal book launch is September 1st and the sequel will be released in December. None of this would have been possible without your help. So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Sincerely,
Richard Bard, BRAINRUSH

PS. If you want a good laugh, check out the temporary book-trailer video on the BRAINRUSH website. It’s there as a placeholder for the upcoming professional video. The current one features children and it’s guaranteed to make you smile! And yes, the younger kid on the screen is really me. You can see the video at www.RichardBard.com. The link is also on my Authonomy profile page. Special offer for former Authonomy backers between now and the formal launch on Sept 1st: If you would like to receive a “Review” copy of the eBook (plus 2 FREE thrillers from the Kindle Top-20 PAID Bestseller list – yes, really), go to the website, click the “Contact” button, and leave a message that includes your Authonomy username and the secret code words “I Feel the Rush!” Details of this promo will be emailed to you. Thanks!

Tremendous stuff. Love the scenario of the planner in love with inflicting overpriced flats on an area that just doesn't need them or want them. As a former local government reporter in the North East, it's amazing how true to life this scenario is!
Really felt I was there in Glasgow in the second chapter, in the pub with Ratner and Quinnie. Just wanted a Deuchar's too!
Anyway, great stuff, well worth backing. Shall be reading further, no doubts.
Cheers, Si.
PS - just in case you fancy it, feel free to peruse my efforts at Scots-based literature.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/33422/icarus-athletic/

UNFAITHFUL SEVEN
This is a book based on a clever idea: a guy decides he wants his poker losses back (we’ve all been there; makes it easy to relate to this). Louis is a good character; a common guy easy to like. If I had a suggestion, it’s that it seems to take a long time to get to the heart of the story. Did you think about beginning with the poker game and then coming back and explaining what led up to that on a need to know basis? I see you mention you once had a prologue and now it’s gone. I’m hoping that wasn’t the poker game because now I’ve really confused you. Either way, there’s good writing here. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Alasdair, your first chapter is a smooth read. I choose not to nitpick anythere there.


Shelved!

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Alasdair,

You have a keen knack with history in your storytelling that I wish I could conjure. A well plotted storyline unfolds nicely and runs smoothly within, and I enjoy the splashes of comedy interspersed throughout! "Steve McDonald!" said Steve McDonald = so simplistic, and yet my favorite line from the first two chapters I was able to peruse. Kudos for a story well written! Backed!

Teric Darken (K - I - L - L FM 100: "Music to Die For!")

A very interesting and amusing book. Your characters come to life quickly. Steve, in his interview by phone with the reporter Ashley, gives away a lot about himself without realising it. The scene at the end of this chapter when Catherine discovers the body is an amusing satire, more of a caricature than anything real, and its humour is very black. Then you introduce us to Quinnie and Ratner, who will later be heading off to the big poker game, that is if Ratner goes. Again, the characters are lifelike and believable. Your writing is clear, easy-to-read and amusing. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Pacey, amusing, well crafted; why is it going down the charts?!
Backed!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.

Intriguing and engaging. This work is polished and a brialliant. C W Shelved.

Alasdair
I surfed Authonomy for books involving Glasgow, and I am delighted to have found The Unfaithful Seven. It is so well written, so well observed, and with such quiet humour (but the lols are loud) that I truly wish it to be published. All your reviewers have remarked on Catherine's Calvinistic phlegm, but it just goes on and on. The next chapter with Quinnie and Ratner destroyed me and the peace and quiet in front of the fire, much to my wife's annoyance.

Thus far, I see many parallels/similarities with Alexander McCall Smith. Am I alone in this?

I am stopping to back this now, but will be reading everything that you have posted, just for the sheer pleasure of it. If this fabulously high standard drops off, I shall be sure to let you know ... but somehow I doubt it.

Chris

I like this. Some of the dialogue is really cracking, with a wry sort of humor thrown into the narrative your piece held my attention for the three chapters I read. Quinnie was the character that captured my attention. This is a great romp with a perfect pace and ideal setting.
One nit, there seems to be a fair number of run-on sentences. for example the first one, too much information, and what a tongue twister!
I would look into putting shorter more precise sentences into this piece, after all it is a thriller and this would only increase its readability.
Still really well done, great images depicted for the reader to see clearly.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Slick, funny and engaging. What more could a reader want?

Andrew

I'm not sure wehther we are supposed to be on Louis's side, or whether we just say 'serve you right' and I suppose I'll have to come back later and read a lot more. That won't be dificult, given that I've thoroughly enjoyed what I've read so far: economic use of words, deep insights into complex characters, a cunning and clever plot, all laced together with fine, dry humour and sparkling dialogue. This is really first class, and I'm backing it. Best wishes, Tony.

You've got a great, easy-reading style and this cracks along just fine. I did wonder about his phone - would it really shatter if it fell to the floor? I drop mine regularly and it bounces!
The conversation with the journalist didn't quite ring true at the beginning to me (as a journalist!).... Ten to one media enquiries would come through a PR department....so you'd need some device to have her getting straight through to him....a secretary out maybe? or he might wonder aloud how she got his direct line?
Is her feature going to be for the evening edition of a paper? Not many do that any more.
She'd be more likely to say something like, 'you got some nice coverage this morning. I'd like to do a follow-up for the next edition' or 'we'd like to focus in on......' Journalists tend to call features 'pieces' - don't ask me why, just do.
Anyhow, those nits aside - I am happy to back you with it.
jane
WALKER

As with so many others I did find you defiantly have strength as a writer. Your story line is strong and a reader can easily be carried away with the plot. The only suggestion I would have would be the length of some of your sentences. You might consider shortening or dividing some. Other than that an enjoyable read. Good luck. Connie

Alasdair,
Wow this is pro writing if I've ever seen it. The casual opening as Steve glows in his own brilliance is accented with the image of a hanging man dripping his own fluids. Hilarious, as the house keeper just cleans it up without reaction before calling the police. Then we are on to the pub with brilliant dialect between Quinnie and Ratner shooting for gold. Also hilarious how Quinnie seems quite content in the trunk of the Mercedes, lolling off to sleep. You have a wonderful writing voice and the story is so entertaining in every paragraph. A British sense of humor for sure but quite funny universally. Fun read, good luck with your great story.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Hi Alasdair!

You've got a witty delivery about your writing that makes for a very intriguing and enjoyable read! This is a timeless story and one that will appeal to a large audience. Great job - backed with pleasure!

Kim
Invisible Justice

This is a pretty cool story - steve, oh yeah. Darkly comic and absorbing.

Backed

Kev(Catherine Wheel Alley)

Sounds like just whats going ob among the polititions in todays society. I was watching csi the other day with my colleague at work and he asked me why i liked watching it. i said theres nothing else on, its either crime or politics. he said what's the difference! this reminded me of that and i had a giggle. This is definitely my sense of humour. It was a riot, funny but with deeper meanings that make you stop and think. So realistic i coud've been having a glass myself at the bar. Easy enjoyable read. Alice

I liked your pitch, but Chapter 1 of 'The Unfaithful Seven' was hard going. Then as chapter 2 opened with the subway train rattling and smelling of damp books, it suddenly all came alive with powerful scene-setting and an easy narrative style. Now it feels like a quality story that I've happily shelved.
Suggest revisiting Chapter 1 - perhaps as a shorter prologue in the lighter style of your later work?
Good Luck
Bob Steele [SPIN]

Gripped by your pitch right away, Alasdair, and you're writing, which is pretty well perfect. You have a fine story in The Unfaithful Seven and you have developed it as a page-turner with excellent characterisation. One very minor matter: try to get rid of the distractingly large spaces between your paragraphs; you should be able to do this by re-uploading with all the spacing the same. Backed and good luck - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

The Unfaithful Seven...

Promises to be funny and exciting at the same time. Good on ya! (I don't think I could do it.)

I do have a couple of suggestions:

1. watch out for Ing sentences (you have one in your first chapter where the actions are sequential, not concurrent), i.e., sentences which begin with participles (e.g., walking across the room, he screwed in the light bulb)

2. almost always avoid adverbs (Noah Lukeman, The First Five Pages...reasons why agents reject)

You do need to check your punctuation, etc., but if you do, and make the above suggested changes, I have no doubt that this will attract the attention of an agent and then, of course, a publisher.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Now this is a good crime caper! Funny and original. WL.

Alasdair,

What a joy this has been. I love your comody. Louis is a top-notch character that's in a bit of a situation, isn't he? Excellent. On my shelf.

Heidi

Hello Alasdair,

A moving story of the intrigues of politics, crime, power and fame, brilliantly told by a writer who knows the mix well. The story holds much promise. It took me t the third chapter before I realised it.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Alasdair,

This is my kind of story, a book that places the often shady under-the-table deals made by government officials against the public's "right to know" (represented by journalists). And too often, as you so expertly capture here, those journalists simply pass along press releases with no investigative work whatsoever. The result is an official like Steve McDonald, who is lauded as a hero in the media despite evidence to the contrary.

We can all use tighter editing, of course. But as I said, this is my kind of book. It has drama, wit, intrigue and a great plot.
Backed.
Mark

Alasdair
I read the first 3 chapters. Before the big picture, here are some line edits for you:
...big way you know[,]" said Ratner...
...chips then[,] Quinnie?"
...fucks sake[,]" howled
...red fuckin sauce[,]"

Overall, this shows great promise. You have a strong narrative voice and Ratner and Quinie are good characters. The dialogue is also rich and convincing.
I found chapter 3 the best and I think this was because it flowed better. Early on (especially the start) I felt you were trying too hard to set the scene. In thrillers you don't need to do this. You can fill in the descriptions later. In fact some of your early sentences are (imho) way too long. I counted 8 nouns in one of them.
If yoyu rewrite chapter one consider making it more active to pull your reader in. Dialogue is often used to achieve this. Keep the sentences shorter and drop in the descriptions subtly.
Good luck with this. It's shelved.
Chris (I Dare You)

Great read. I like the insights, the humor and the cleverness of the story. The close of chapter 1 is especially good. On my shelf and good luck.

Alasdair,
A fun romp through the gritty world of politics-- down and dirty politics. I have a few politician friends here in Ft. Lauderdale, FL who would be interested in a read like this. Nice dialogue. Great imagery. Shelved! Congratulations. Hope you get a chace to look at "The First Daughter". Cheers!
Tom Mahon

Hi Alasdair,

Before I give you my comments, you have to know I judge it solely on 3 criteria: PITCH, WRITING IN CHAPTER 1, and STORY IN CHAPTER 1. All three criteria are geared towards maximizing your chances at getting an agent and publisher since it makes no sense to say you have a great chapter 12 when an agent can’t even get past your first chapter, right? Your pitch is essentially your query letter. I differentiate between your writing and your story in Chapter 1 since you can be great in one but not in the other. After each criterion, I add a + or a -. Sorry I can’t be more in depth but I have like 100 comments to return just in the past week—and I actually read each entry carefully. Finally, I don’t pretend I know what I’m talking about so take everything with a Morton warehouse of salt. Haha. So . . .

PITCH: I understand what the plot is, but I feel you might need to break up your sentences. They're just too long so you're demanding the reader to pay special close attention; otherwise, she might miss something. I'd doubt your number of sentences to 8 to make everything easier on the readers. -

WRITING IN CHAPTER 1: The writing is pretty good. +

STORY IN CHAPTER 1: I felt your first chapter to be pretty good. It's two guys talking about housing developments, then this woman Catherine coming in and being nonchalant about the body. The body is funny and ironic. I like the first chapter. +

Shelved.

Help ma boab! I'm so glad I came here for another feast of this. It rollocks along at a rollocking pace. Great fun for one an' all!

Hello Alasdair,
I thoroughly enjoyed this. It has good pace and reads smoothly, quickly involving the reader. Knowing Glasgow a little and having a great love of the Orkneys I couldn't help but smile at Catherine's determination to clean up. This should do well; I will watch its progress with interest. (Shelved)
Rheagan Greene - Unwelcome Reflections
PS If you have time, I would appreciate hearing what you think of my work. Thank you.

Now this is interesting. Loved the hook at the end of Chapter 1 -- the housekeeper so wrapped up in her work and so committed to routine that a body hanging in a room hardly fazes her. That could be critiqued further, as in, Hey, there's a dead person there -- why isn't she freaking out? But I think you set it up nicely, especially with her cleaning the scene before the cops arrive, that it can be forgiven. I also thought the ambush interview with the Evening Express reporter was well done.

I also liked the pub scene in Chapter 2, made me feel like I was there. I would recommend, however, maybe trimming the part where Quinnie and Ratner purchase their food, it seemed to go on a bit.

In Chapter 3, you wrote, "As he stopped briefly to search for the last few greasy shards of pakora, he continued to fail to notice the car" in consecutive paragraphs -- need to cut one. Read over, you'll see what I mean. Also, consider writing, "...he failed to notice the car..." to tighten things up a bit.

Keep an eye on capitalization (Poker is capped once, lowercase in other references) and punctuation, and maybe lose some of the exclamation points. On the whole, I like this -- I am wondering if the dead man at the end of chapter 1 is Steve McDonald, so I may have to read more. In the interim, onto the shelf for a while. Nicely done.

This book is a pleasure to read. The characters and situations are introduced at the perfect rate and the story develops properly with each new chapter. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Alasdair,

This sounds good. On my Watch List.

Peter.

Backed it cuz it's good. So there.

A modern urban tale. Very refreshing after all the stories about science fiction, fantasy, vampires, etc. And I like that it deals with urban planning, an area rife for corruption and kickbacks, as well as idealism and art. You have the makings of a good brew of a novel here.

I like the way you write details -- the phone breaking into pieces, the description of Steve's apartment, even the use of the words "Captain's chair." Details help ground a story in reality -- and your plot promises that this will be a gritty one. So the more you get into details, the better.

I could use a bit more about the characters, like Steve, placed upfront, so I can care about who he is. Same with Catherine. I'm sure there will be more in the later chapters -- but if we get inside their heads more, feel their concerns and personalities more upfront, we are more drawn in. You do have some of that there already, I'm just talking about a bit of organizing.

But that is a quibble. Fact is, I like your premise, your plot and, in short, your book. So I am backing it.

This is good stuff, Alasdair! Kind of like a throw-back to the old pulp crime novels. A lot of fun. My only criticism is that I think the story is such that you should be looking to pare down the prose a bit, at least in the opening paragraphs, where there are some unnecessary adjectives and adverbs (in my opinion, of course.) Overall, this is quite worthy of some shelf time, good job!

Matt Rogers

Hi Aladair,

Great writing. The sentence structure is precise and the pacing is just right. Your descriptions are vivid and comes alive. You’ve done a wonderful job in creating suspense; it makes you want to read on.

“Oh I think we could pretty much do it on the phone(,) Steve.” Don’t forget the comma with direct address. It’s easy to miss.

Well done on this intriguing and gripping story.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Alasdair

A good old Glasgow underworld tale. Excellent. Been looking forward to this one for a while.

Your opening sentence is overloaded. Break it up for clarity, either using commas to show the separate clauses; or break into separate sentences. Just a suggestion.

Apart from that (and a few other wee typos that a quick proofread would fix in no time) this didn’t disappoint at all. It has a definite feel of quality about it. Not sure Brookmyre’s quaking in his black and white stripey boots yet, but you’re closing in fast. Good work. Shelved and best of luck.

--Jack Ramsay (Brogan's Crossing)

as crime capers go, this really goes

mixing realism with deeply subversive humour, gritty observations with witty narrative asides..

"yes, karl is australian, but at least he had the sense not to take up a job in a pub on the royal mile in edinburgh"

thrown in at the deep end of an ocean of alcohol and criminal mayhem, you start to wonder just where this caper will end up hitting the shore, if ever

hugely enjoyable and entertaining, and on my shelf..

i am backing this now and wish you well with it.

all best, freddie

("honour")

Enjoyed this read. Loved the way each character unfolded and there is a gentle wry humour underlying the subtly unfolding plot here. I love the sound of the pitch and the prospect of following these characters and more around Glasgow's pubs is an enticing one. Shelved.

your pitch has quite a few ambiguities in it and sentences that are not quite transparent. i would clarify it all if i were you since the pitch is so important.

chapter 1
your first sentence might read better if you stopped after 'in front of him.' and had a new sentence 'Then the phone rang.'

your first page is a great example to us all of showing rather than telling. very nice.

i'm confused about steve's economic status. the plate glass windows etc don't go with the sink full of dishes. housekeepers don't let things get to that stage. and why doesn't he have an espresso machine to go with the apartment? if he's rich, wouldn't everything be immaculate and on tap?

beware the odd cliche " strict, religious upbringing', 'crooked developers',

i love the way we discover the body with catherine. excellent, great hook for ch 2.

backed this yesterday but didn't have time to comment then. I CAN SEE WHY IT'S DOING WELL!
good luck
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

Alasdair
I like the look of this but have only read a few pages!! - have put you on my bookshelf to read tonight!

Hey Alasdair,
I promised to come back for another read a few months ago and when I did it wasn't here. I've just seen it's returned and glad I found it. I'm not sure if I backed it last time I read (I'm guessing by my previous comments that I didn't) but it's definitely worth a shelf now.
Cheers!
Simon
ps. got a new book up if you get the time to have a look.

Love the twist at the end of Chapter 1. And the tone in writing it.
Three references to the scattered bits of phone
Top property correspondent turns into health & leisure! Funny.
He doesn't have to say her name in "that's very kind of you Ashley" – we know he's talking to her. That same paragraph, repeated use of the word "fine."
And Ashley doesn't have to then call him Steve in her next speech.
Might we see a bit of physical action intermingled with the blocks of dialogue? You need something other than speeches. Is he roaming around the room? Looking up his name on Google at the computer to see how many times it's mentioned? What does she sound like? Is her voice sexy? Brittle? Might he try to humor her, flirt a bit, when she comes on too strong?
The second to last paragraph before the end of Ch 1, "As she worked …" you're losing the macabre humor, packing the sentence into one long run-on.
Jeff Blackmer's right: get a personalized cover. Steve McDonald would not allow such poor salesmanship! Shelved.

this is interesting story, we get two sides of the action, I like the interview stuff, and the homocide/murder in the apartment, very vivid, this is polished stuff.

What an original character Catherine is!

I would advise you to get an original cover to make your book stand out from the crowd. Lots of books on this site have the same cover you have chosen and it makes them melt into the background. You might also miss out on reads becuse newer members might think they've read this book before.

This is on my watch list. I'll be back for more.

Joanna

Hi Alasdair! I enjoyed reading this. I appreciated how your story has a real setting and not some generic, no-name location. You do a very good job in making the reader feel like they're there. Well done! This is a solid crime thriller with all the elements in place. I like your writing style as you have a good balance between dialogue, description, and narration. It makes reading this a pleasure. My only quibble, and it's a small one, is the name Steve McDonald. I suppose you've heard this before, but I couldn't get out of my head the Corrie character. In any case, good luck with this work and your writing.
Hi Richard! I found the beginning, starting at the end, to be a good and unconventional hook into your story. It made me want to continue reading. My only suggestions would be to edit out the overuse of Alford, and, perhaps, work in some scenes among the initial narration. I found those parts not as interesting as the rest of the story where you use good dialogue, description, and narration to keep the story going. Oh, I loved you dedication. Very beautiful! Good luck with this work and your writing.

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

Hi there,
This is a good story, love the sense of humour running through this. I laughed out loud at times. You have a great mix here, the story moves along well, it's pacy and fun. Well written and deserves to rise here. Good luck with it!
SHELVED!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Well, what a nice tongue in cheek romp. How utterly kind of Catherine to clean up before calling the police. A project getting through on its own merits without greasing the wheels? How unlikely!
Poor Louis, what a mess to be in, tsk, tsk.
This is funny and well done. Delightful. On my shelf. Oh, one thing. You need an original cover. This is the fourth book I've looked at this week with that cover. It does nothing to showcase our great book.
Jeff