Heavy

Intrigued by the pitches, I read the first couple of chapters, and found an original, enjoyable piece of work. The characters are nicely developed. Impossible not to feel sorry for Heavy and angry with Alister. The conflict between the two is well-written and the harsh working conditions skilfully described. I thought Heavy (great name, by the way) was a fascinating character, and was really rooting for him by the end of c1. It did take me a while to get the flow of his speech pattern, but it did sound authentic. Some of the grammar and spelling needs tidying up, but a good edit will easily rectify this. Generously starred and on my WL for further reading. Good luck with this.

It took me in right from the start. Love it and added it to the shelf (my last slot open!). Good luck.

Hi Aubrey. Firstly I have to say I enjoy your writing style very much. The narrative and descriptive usage seem very natural, nothing appears forced or jarred. The descriptive passages scan very well and your dialogue, particularly in the opening chapter, builds a great three-dimensional profile of Heavy. He is a sympathetic character, sometimes a little simple, sometimes a loveable rogue but nevertheless a character that the reader builds in their own mind due to the quality of the writing. You need to edit, as do most books that appear here, take a look at your pitch there is an 'of' missing between full and crooks but that doesn't detract from the fact that you are an assured writer who has crafted a very effective opening to your novel. Impressive.

Very good feedback, many thanks, I will build it in.

regards

Aubrey,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The narrative is a moment by moment perception that sometimes is told in journalistic style, sometimes, specially during descriptions, told in an poetic style. That is a nice mix for, moment by moment narratives need stellar moments where the eye can slice through the music.

The dialogue here is the first thing that jumps at me. Specifically the steady repetitions of the Heavy.

"But Sr when it got dark....."

They give him character, they give him a ready-made psychological map, without the need for heavy psychologizing for.

"His words are him".


Some of my favorites:

"smart mouth do get fat lips"

"and foster mother and mother...."

"almighty zap"

"burning the clouds in an orange"

"Sky shone cold"

"a hard rustling"

"wet in patches"

"Welcome to Wow..." that one, frame it

"It was now floppy and soggy'

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

My biggest concern is that given that you do know how to sprinkle this delicacies around

Why not more?

Original language awaken the eye and make the reader pause to savor and , since obviously you do know how to do it, then why not?

Finally, I would not use spacing as generously as you did during the dialogue. They cut the tempo

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

Aubrey,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The narrative is a moment by moment perception that sometimes is told in journalistic style, sometimes, specially during descriptions, told in an poetic style. That is a nice mix for, moment by moment narratives need stellar moments where the eye can slice through the music.

The dialogue here is the first thing that jumps at me. Specifically the steady repetitions of the Heavy.

"But Sr when it got dark....."

They give him character, they give him a ready-made psychological map, without the need for heavy psychologizing for.

"His words are him".


Some of my favorites:

"smart mouth do get fat lips"

"and foster mother and mother...."

"almighty zap"

"burning the clouds in an orange"

"Sky shone cold"

"a hard rustling"

"wet in patches"

"Welcome to Wow..." that one, frame it

"It was now floppy and soggy'

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

My biggest concern is that given that you do know how to sprinkle this delicacies around

Why not more?

Original language awaken the eye and make the reader pause to savor and , since obviously you do know how to do it, then why not?

Finally, I would not use spacing as generously as you did during the dialogue. They cut the tempo

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A captivating start to what promises to be an engrossing story. A well fleshed out, sympathetic main character. Vivid descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) 'It was a lonely site many Australian farmers know ...' 'Site' should be 'sight.'
2) "I know what you said mister Radcliff." Comma after 'said.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases of this type of problem.
3) "it's just that ... sir ... " Capitalize 'it's.'
4) "You see, it's not that it's only me each time that's affected." The second 'that' should be 'who.'
5) " ... I think you must have, can we not argue," Period after 'argue.'
6) 'He was outraged' is telling. Consider showing this important emotional reaction.
7) ' ... and a very scruffy brown teddy bear.' Consider not using 'very.' If 'scruffy' isn't an adequate word, how about 'tattered.?'

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a sensational day.

Al

OK, thanks, i hope you like it.

:) I will comment on your books as soon as I have read it :)