Book Jacket

 

rank 4585
word count 81515
date submitted 24.01.2011
date updated 06.04.2012
genres: Fiction, Chick Lit, Romance, Comedy...
classification: moderate
complete

One Night

Robert Fry

A story about finding, losing and looking to rediscover love, all from the point of view of one young man.

 

It was during a rain delayed layover in JFK airport that Luke met Sophie. What followed was the greatest night of his young life as he and Sophie shared a connection; the likes of which he’d never known even existed outside of movies. However their time together was brought to an abrupt end the following morning when the skies cleared and they went their separate ways.

Two years have passed since then and by now Luke is a different man. Having failed to even once come close to replicating the connection he found during his night with Sophie, Luke has all but resigned himself to a life of disappointment and loneliness.

However in one final attempt to meet someone new Luke, at the behest of his friends, agrees to go on a blind date with the beautiful Brooke. During their date Luke, in a rather misguided attempt to explain how he has come to find himself on yet another blind date, begins retelling the story of his night with Sophie.

Will Brooke understand Luke’s situation? Can she, having never experienced a night quite like it herself? Only time will tell as their night together unfolds.

 
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tags

airport, comedy, fiction, funny, intimate, love, new york, one night, romance, romantic, two people

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10 comments

 

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MaCain wrote 365 days ago

I just read the first chapter and I will continue but I will give my initial critique now. You do use words like 'rather' and 'as' a bit too much. If this is in first person and you intend it to be as if the narrator is retelling a story, it doesn't really flow. The same goes for the descriptions of how the character feels in between the dialogue. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "trust your reader". I could identify with him without you spelling out exactly what he was feeling or telling me why he said something or if Brooke reacted the way he wanted her to. Sometimes I felt it was vital to explain what he was thinking and other times it seemed redundant.

Now the good stuff. I love the opening and I was obviously interested enough in the pitch to read it. I really like your narrator. My favorite part so far is how he warns Brooke that when he's telling the story of how he met Sophie his listeners lose interest because he gives every tiny little detail. I relate to that so much, because it has happened to me so many times. You try to explain why something was significant and people just don't get it or care.

All in all, I think you have something good and I look forward to reading on...

JackieB wrote 476 days ago

I saw your post about this on the romance thread and figured it was worth a shot. I like to use a lot of dialogue and I found it very easy to follow. In fact, I was more than willing to dive head first into it. I'll have to read on to see what Sophie was like, but Luke and Brooke sound like they have a really good chemistry. Can't wait to see how everything goes.

silvachilla wrote 483 days ago

Hey Robert

I've read through the first page up to being at JFK, so I will read more as and when I find the time. The only things I would say is that I agree with Blueboy's comments about Guiseppe's :)

I personally found the conversation with Brooke a little hard to read and digest. Carla Rene on here gives fantastic critiques, and one of the best bits of advice I got was to read what I had written aloud as what is written may not necessarily read well or make sense from the readers point of view. Hope that makes sense? Also, you need to proof read this as there are some tiny errors where you've missed words out - not the end of the world though. Also, lots of use of the word 'rather' in my opinion. I did skip to the end (which I dont normally do) to see if it went back to Brooke, as I initially thought you might be able to just cut her out or cut down the scene with her at the beginning to move the story along, but having read the end I can see she's integral to the story.

Anyway, I liked it and will read more when I have the time. Feel free to read the critique Carla gave me on the following link. Obviously it wont all make sense to you since its about my book, but the overall advice is very good, especially if you're writing in 1st person like I have.

http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/69026/for-silvachilla-natalie-/

Good luck!

Natalie
Behind Closed Doors

Fry87 wrote 485 days ago

Is this a novel or a brochure for Giuseppe’s? lol Some of the description is well done.. up until you actually start recommending the place to your reader in the text. I would rethink the opening paragraphs and edit them down. The style is a bit too informal for my taste, even for first person, and so think it needs more structure and more secure voice. Read other first person narratives to see how the authors accomplish certain tasks. Otherwise an interesting premise. I will read more before commenting on plot structure.


blueboy


Hi Blueboy,

Thankyou for the comments on my story. I think looking at my story now that you may have had a point about my opening paragraphs. See originally I had very little in there that helped to set the scene, however in my attempts to fix this I can see that I may have overcompensated. This is something I may change in future revisions to the story.

In terms of the style it was a largely conscious decision to make the style quite informal, as the story is being told by Luke as he writes a diary/blog which one would suspect would be fairly informal in terms of language. I'll keep your advice in mind though and will definitely look into finding other first person narratives to help me learn about writing in that particular style.

Robert.

Fry87 wrote 485 days ago

Hi Robert,
This begins like it will be a fun read. Natural voice. Good premise. I humbly suggest that you have your opening paragraph simply be: Last night I found myself sitting in Giuseppi's. A natural curiosity will nudge us to read the next paragraph to learn what Giuseppi's is. I believe the opening will have a bit more power that way. I'll try to fit in more of a read soon. Best wishes.
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)



Hi John,

Thanks for taking the time to read my story and for your advice. Your suggestion sounds like a good idea and I'll keep it in mind when I go back to edit the story.

Robert

SusieGulick wrote 485 days ago

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it :)

katjay wrote 485 days ago

Hi Robert, I have read only the first chapter so far of your book, One Night, but it has an excellent opening. I like to give a decent, comprehensive review so always like to read more first.
So be patient, I will get back to you soon. If time permits, Robert, I was hoping you might care to take a look at my own book, Hens from Hell.
All the very best of luck and success with your writing. Kat from Wales

V.M Cloud wrote 486 days ago

Like the look of this and have added you to my watchlist.

blueboy wrote 486 days ago

Is this a novel or a brochure for Giuseppe’s? lol Some of the description is well done.. up until you actually start recommending the place to your reader in the text. I would rethink the opening paragraphs and edit them down. The style is a bit too informal for my taste, even for first person, and so think it needs more structure and more secure voice. Read other first person narratives to see how the authors accomplish certain tasks. Otherwise an interesting premise. I will read more before commenting on plot structure.


blueboy

Nigel Fields wrote 486 days ago

Hi Robert,
This begins like it will be a fun read. Natural voice. Good premise. I humbly suggest that you have your opening paragraph simply be: Last night I found myself sitting in Giuseppi's. A natural curiosity will nudge us to read the next paragraph to learn what Giuseppi's is. I believe the opening will have a bit more power that way. I'll try to fit in more of a read soon. Best wishes.
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

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