ARACELIS

You take the literary word and bend it and shape it into a fantastic story. I especially enjoy the changes to words to give emphasis with sounds and textures in your novel to make the read more enjoyable. I did the same with my novel to get in the reader's head. Karen is a compelling character with frailties that endear her to the reader. Supporting characters are good too. I will come back to this and give another review soon.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

With a heroine called Karen, how could I fail to read this? Beautifully written "fragments of her dream lingered" Love that, am always happy when this happens to me. Nicely done on my W/L for more all the best, Karen x

Well upto date imagination. upto date with story theme, talking map, we are well aware that, aewn't we?
The charrecter Aracelis is very active and constant. Grandpa is very engaged too.

Karen is daring and her fascinating deam. A lots of attention to The room and door and the noises. well written and high rated.

This is an engaging read and it should appeal to your target audience. I like the concept and you have a believable way with dialogue. Just occasionally I felt you were a little formal for a younger audience but it certainly captures the imagination.

~Aracelis by Richard A. Wentworth~

Time Weavers travelling through power and phone lines and whispering ideas to humans whilst they sleep! What a BRILLIANT idea! This would make such an fantastic children's TV series! It reminds me a little of when the BFG blows lovely dreams into children's rooms at night. It's also very Hannah-Barbera!! I love 11-year-old Karen - she's such an endearing character!

I wish you every success with this gem of a read! This is a story that will stay with me long after I finish reading it!

Highly-rated, recommended and WL so I can come back and read more! I can't wait to find out what happens!

Iman xxx

Miss Manners: http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners

Here are just a few minor suggestions:

- '...more like a[-]tiny woman!' (You don't need a hyphen here)

- I am awake [s]he reassured herself' (small 's' here)

- 'Cho[o]se one, start writing...' (add an 'o' here)

NOTE: I love Karen's inner voice. Perhaps whenever Karen has an inner thought you could start a new sentence to separate thought from speech? Also, it might help to separate the block sentences a little more and make it easier on the eye?

Rick,
This is a fantastic story! It grabbed my attention and I couldn't stop reading it. It reminded me of "The Unicorn Sonata" by Peter S. Beagle in the way it seemlessly blended the elements of high fantasy and realism. This story is imaginative and original, and I can't wait to get my hands on the finished copy. =D

-Tamara
BTW: many, many stars!

An excellent piece of work.
A pace that young readers will appreciate, always something going on and no distracting, long explanations.
Very well written and edited. A couple of things that you might what to check:
Long pitch: 'Karens fascinating dream become reality.' Should there be an 's' in there somewhere?
Prologue: 'The tiny shapes' dark, flowing hair.' It is only one shape so should be (shape's).
'En-snared' is one word. 'Ensnared'.
Chapter eight: 'recognised Karen's Grandfather' should be 'grandfather' small 'g' in this context.
I hope this book gets published soon, it's very imaginative and I know some young ladies that would adore this story.
All the best of luck to you. Six stars.
Pollyanna. 'Marsupeople'.

Hi Richard,

Just stopped by for that promised read. What graphic imagery you've used in the prologue and opening chapter. I was well impressed and could visualise events perfectly. Think you might have it tagged with the wrong genres. Children's fantasy would be perfect. The story is captivating and as good as any concept JKRowling came up with.

But starting at the beginning... the pitch could do with a good edit. If you simplified it by changing the punctuation and shortening the sentence structure, it would be less confusing. Commas have always been a problem for me and you seem to use them to add dramatic effect to your prose. Believe me... it'll work just as well with less of them.

In the opening paragraph of the prologue you started with a contradiction. Her brain jolted her awake and then you had her opening her sleepy eye. If the brain jolt was Karen's thought, it might have been better to put it in italics the same as you did later on.

In the second paragraph, you seemed to be struggling to stay in Karen's pov. Don't worry, even if the subject matter is strange to you, you're a good writer and your readers will believe everything your character tells them, as long as you stay with her. Try not to say things like.. she decided. Just put – it was about nine inches tall. Ask the question – what was she seeing?

As a whole the chapter was well constructed and flowed through in the right order leaving me wanting to read more... and I did. Liked the introduction to Arc at the start of two. It gave the story an added edge.

Reading and reviewing on this site will help you iron out the kinks in your punctuation, but I wouldn't worry too much. What counts most is having a good story and being able to tell it. You do that and with style. Nice one.

This looks like a good, fun read for middle readers. You move quickly into elements of the story that I think should captivate them. Best of luck with this!
--Tod Schneider
The Lost Wink

There shouldn't be a comma after nudged in the first paragraph.
what was in her room.(drop - with her)
I like "..snuggled into his warmth" "those eyes held me"
The desription of the grandfather is well done.
"Many years ago before you came about "-maybe replace came about with "before you were born" so that you don't repeat the word came from the previous line.
generally a good story in my humble opinion and shows a lot of promise

i agree with a lot of the comments below regarding grammar and working too hard in the pitch. you could drop the IT in caps and just tell us what IT is... i also like the idea of the time weaver, and could use a little visit from Aracelis myself...

though this is not my genre, i think it has potential and a good foundation...

j
what every woman should know

Hi Edward,
I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth.
Your short pitch is a run-on. There should be a period after “Weaver.” Additionally, the colon doesn’t work, because the previous clause is a subordinate that connects with that final clause. It needs to be a comma.
“she has to travel far” This isn’t clear enough, since you say she’s a time weaver. We initially are thinking, therefore, in terms of time, so when you provide a measurement word (far), we’re confused if you mean far in time, or far in distance.
Why is “IT” capitalized?
I would delete that first paragraph. It’s over telling, which has no business in a pitch.
“human’s” this is written as a possessive. I think you mean to drop the apostrophe.
“humans” “people” are the same thing. Change “people” to “them”
That first line in the second paragraph could be polished.
Again, drop the apostrophe in “human’s”
The period after “humans” should be a comma
I love the premise, but this pitch needs some heavy editing for grammar and punctuation. The reader has to work too hard, which means he/she misses some very intriguing concepts that you’ve laid out.
Prologue/Chapter One
“Prolog” is spelled “Prologue”
“Trust her brain to jolt” This is confusing as it’s written.
Great hook in the first line.
I would do away with the ellipses.
Again, there’s a lot of misused punctuation. “I am awake; she assured herself…” This isn’t what a semicolon is for and should be a comma. Semicolons are generally meant for lists, especially after colons, or to separate two independent clauses.
The prologue and first chapter has a lot going for it. Great suspense and wonderful flow. Some strong imagery too, though I do think that could be amped up a bit. The biggest thing to focus on is grammar and punctuation. They’re holding you back and making a potentially wonderful read very choppy and tedious.
Overall, a fun read with tons going for it. I expect this to start doing even better on the site once it’s cleaned up.
Best of luck.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

The writer has a lively imagination and the basic story is interesting and would engage a young adult mind. However there are many grammatical errors here that got in the way and distracted. There was a mixing of tense as well. These problems got in the way of my understanding and enjoyment of this text. I'd like to come back to it after a good edit. Candy.

I love the imagery you create but feel that grammar lets you down a bit. This seems to have been covered by others so I will not repeat things here (other than where I got to before I checked to see if I was doubling up; see below) but rather concentrate on the story.
The story line is paced well and engaging, there is a bit of confusion where thoughts end abruptly and hint at other things. This works if it is not over done but I felt in a few spots it was used too much and left me more irritated than intrigued in just a couple of spots (probably just my reaction), mainly at the end of the 3rd chapter.
I read through to Chap 5 and enjoyed the characters you have set up. The book has promise and flair and with some editing will come along well.
Please invite me to read any time you upload any major changes as I would like to follow its progress.

Chap 1

-… reached to the good parts || … had (just) reached the good parts.. || had just got to the good parts
-This creature… || The creature….
-She thought. || not needed or should be included as part of the previous sentence
-In-line of a || bit awkward, maybe “more like a”
-…of an electric appliance || like that of an electric appliance (unless it is an electric appliance because you mention “power up”, etc. later.
-…taking on a hypnotic being. || not sure what this means

Andrew

A Fatal Misuse of Time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.

Hi Richard, just read your chapter 10 as requested. I'm no big fan of fantasy, but can see this has genuine promise - diminutive fairy-like Time Weavers, a spirited and likable 11-year old girl, a characterful dog who knows when to get out of the way of an otherworldly shroud, and a surprisingly sleepy cat who doesnt, lol! It's hard for me to judge, based on just this one chapter, where exactly this is going but I LOVED Ekawa 'Alphabet' - he's a kind of genie Highlander leprechaun, isn't he? - and his jolly japes with the 'white house' phones made me laugh. Okay, there's a little bit of editing to take care of ('except for Aracelis, WHO took up' in line one, and lots of 'is's instead of 'was's'), but all the same I really enjoyed it. 5 stars, and good luck!

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

(oh, I was a little confused over the last para. Is Quatro now possessed by Arc?)

A great piece of fantasy that has a strong start.
Fluent and well thought out.
Dialogue adds colour to the text and you have researched your genre well.
Believable characters blend in well with the narrative.
A good read and will rate well.
Well done.

Hi Richard,
Here at last my crit of Aracelis, this is obviously only my opinion so use or discard as you see fit.
I love the concept, that the Time Weavers can give you ideas while you sleep.
Prologue: This was a good introduction to the idea of Aracelis inducing dreams and planting thoughts while you sleep seen through the eyes of Karen who’s only pretending to be asleep.
I jumped to chapter 5 as the first three or four chapters had been looked at by others.
Chapter 5
I liked the descriptions here, the sound of the sonic boom and its affects making animals scatter and people wonder what it was. I had got the impression Aracelis was in the desert though and there wasn’t anyone else around. You tend to over describe sometimes – the barren, hot, desert valley floor- if it is the desert I would cut valley and swap hot and barren around I think it would flow better – the hot, barren, desert floor- There were 2 or 3 other places I felt it would flow better if you swapped a couple of words around – the afternoon, blue sky- is a bit clunky I think it might read better as –the blue afternoon sky- I find I do this a lot too, I pick up on it when I read it back out loud.
You also tend to repeat words and phrases in the same paragraphs and occasionally in the same sentence, this slows the pace down as well. ie –made their way back to the three sisters: stopping, hovering close to the three sisters- I think you could lose the second three sisters here.
I loved Uncle Zappo and the image of him and the three girls sharing his experiments was good. It was obvious the girls really liked their uncle and you get the impression they tease him a bit in a good natured way. It comes across well that Aracelis is probably the more mature and responsible of the three girls.
You use exclamation marks and ellipsis a lot. I was told to cut these out as much as possible, exclamation marks should only be used if someone is shouting very loud or something is extremely shocking. I think this also goes for words in capitals, they tend to indicate that someone is shouting very loudly and should be avoided. I love ellipsis, but I read an article by an editor saying you should avoid using them, so I tried to cut a lot of mine out (I have still got far too many in though).
Towards the end of the chapter you repeated the words Amp board and ‘the line’ quite a lot which again slowed the pace. The line was also highlighted with “speech marks”. I think you need to use ‘apostrophe marks’ or italics instead.
I got a bit confused when Aracelis was having trouble with her board, I found it difficult to follow the action here.
There seemed to be quite a few big gaps between lines which made it hard to work out where the paragraphs started and ended, but this may have happened when you uploaded it.
This is a lovely appealing story; I shall definitely go back and read it all from the beginning

I've read only half the next chapter, but your story is alive and breathing! Completely!

Your imagination leaps ahead of the reader by leaps and bounds which is terrific to have to guess and then be completely wrong and loving it! ;) So engaging, Richard! Love it! I'll revisit when I can to finish. It's so fantastic!

Also, I've rated you six-stars! ;)

ARACELIS -- Richard A. Wentworth -- What a great first chapter! I love the instantaneous involvement with your adventure. Already, we know that this eleven year old, Karen, will enjoy something mystical and magical. She already has, but only thinks it a dream. When we see with her in the bathroom mirror that her eyes change differently, that was exciting. When her grandfather has had similar encounters, we are glued to what will happen next. And why is the sculpture missing? Great lead to keep us reading.

There are some typos and missing words, but a good edit will find these corrected. :)

Great job, Richard. Sorry I've taken so long to reciprocate your kindness. I'm very slow and tired and working frantically when I do have the energy. Thank you for your patience with me. ;)

All my best to you and your incredible story!
Ellise
~The Governess~

ARACELIS
Richard A. Wentworth

Fantasy is my passion. I love stories that reveal new places where your characters adventure. You have written a compelling prologue that introduces a wealth of unusual characters, incidents and already I see the time movement. How exciting to anticipate what you will do next. Where will you take these likable characters? I intend to read on a find out.

I read through chapter two. There are only a smattering of issues I see that you need to address at some point in the editing process. I notice that others have commented on this and there certainly is no need for me to be redundant. I hope you make adjustments with words that flit back and forth in tense. Something happening at the moment (present tense) versus past tense and sometimes you mix the two in one sentence. I well understand how this can happen if you are just beginning and writing like the wind to get it all down as it comes to your mind. These things can be fixed and once you do that, I feel you have a great story.

I wish you the best with completion of this novel. I believe it will appeal to many different ages. In line with that, I would like to learn earlier in the beginning of the young age of your main character. It soon becomes obvious but I did have to stop the flow and guess.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck
A KING IN TIME

Ok, so here’s a little didgery-doo and please take all with a pinch of salt. I don’t want to change the style of writing to something outside of this genre.

…It looks like a little plastic doll… but it is not: more in-line with a tiny woman! Since these are her thoughts it might be written more smoothly as in dialogue.

…It looks like a little plastic doll… but it’s not. She rubbed her eyes. It’s a tiny woman! (I wish Autho would reproduce italics but for some reason it doesn't.)

Or would an eleven year-old say —a tiny lady

Your imagination is second to none but for some reason I kept getting stuck on the prologue. Boy those things are hard to write.

The tiny shapes dark, flowing hair reached its hips. She thought. What about: It has dark, flowing hair down to its hips, she thought. (Again in italics)

Karen, by accident, lets an audible gasp escape. (I think there is a tense change here). What about: Karen gasped suddenly and then winced. (We get a bit of ‘show’ here rather than ‘tell’.) In other words we see she made a mistake and that the creature will sense her movement as the next sentence cleverly indicates.

The next two chapters I thoroughly enjoyed and with a little polishing (grammar etc which we all need to do) it will be a truly mesmerizing ride. It hard to give constructive critique to different genres without writing them and studying them ourselves. Claire.

Richard, I have read though the first three chapters again and I can see you have worked extremely hard on this. I definitely think your chapters look sharper and more refined. The comments others have written below reiterate much of what I saw also so you don't need duplication. So sorry its taken me a while to get to it, but I read slowly and take notes as I read. In all cases, I see my comments have already been addressed. There are some sentences that might flow better if written in a slightly different way. If you would like a sample, I would be happy to provide one but I am reluctant. Its your work not mine and I respect that. But for now, this work is fascinating and will certainly draw your readers in.

Thank you for your tremendous support. Have a great day. Claire.

Aracelis:

Even though I don’t normally read, or write, fantasy I do envy ones who are blessed with such vivid imaginations. :o)

I’m not the best person to critique the genre, but I think this is something your target audience would love.
I’ve read the first two chapters as well as the prologue but because of time constraints, I’ve made notes only on the Prologue and first chapter.

There are a couple of words repeated and I find the many colons,semicolons and exclamation marks distracting. I’ve noted just a few of them. Much of this could be tightened and I’ve made a few suggestions below.

I think it’s a lovely story for children. I’ve given it lots of stars and I’d be interested in reading it again when you’ve revised it.

All the best, and I’ve added it to my ‘Backing waiting list’.

Cait.:o)

~Reminiscing
****
to solve [comlex] – complex - problems.

ARACELIS
PROLOGUE
KAREN’S BEDROOM
~ Karen shuffled under the sheets, - Don’t think ‘shuffled’ is the best word to use here? Maybe twisted and turned, as you use shuffle again when she goes to the bathroom, and when the grandfather goes into the library?

Trust her brain to jolt her when she was getting to – reached - the good parts.

Karen blinked, her sleepiness forgotten. - Several paragraphs begin with Karen. Try to move things around to use her name mid-sentence instead? Her sleepiness forgotten, Karen blinked?

Drawing the sheets closer - comma needed - she squinted at the movement…

This thing [was hovering] – hovered - a few feet away from her.

… flowing hair [reaching to] – reached - its hips.

[Some kind of a] – A- tiny woman! [She thought, t] The shape hovered over her bed now, and Karen felt [suddenly] afraid.

[Karen held her breath.] I am awake, she assured herself[.], and held her breath.

She didn’t want to disturb whatever was going on, so she didn’t move a muscle. Instead, she observed this hovering wonder... - It sounds as though she’s more fascinated than afraid?

…tints of red shooting lights danced inside the charm[,] – full stop instead.

with excitement! [Karen thought. ] Not needed as we know she’s thinking this.

*[However, Karen watched as t[ The creature[,] slowly opened its eyes. – No need to tell us she watched as we already know this? Also, it gets rid of ‘However’. You use it several times again.

Karen did not realize; *however, when a person was en-snared in this gaze, it was starting - italics needed? to power-up.

Karen let[s] an audible gasp escape.

… and then… she [knows,] - knew -

Karen stared, and the need for sleep nearly overwhelmed her. – The need for sleep nearly overwhelmed Karen as she stared?

[However,] Another ‘However’. - I’d begin with, The creature did something odd:

the affect lessened, as if [the creature] – it - wanted her to see what it would do next.

It winked at Karen, turned, and a huge smile emanated from it. - I’d give this a paragraph of its own?

Karen followed its gaze to where their dog, Red [was sleeping] slept.

Karen let out a giggle [when Red reacted…] . Not needed as we see how he reacted below.

[However, ]Red awoke with a start, leaping to his feet, eyes searching

… he stretchED slowly, his hair now curly with an electrical static charge—and seconds later, he settled back down.

Karen smiled brightly. She imagineD what he was thinking, - full stop instead of comma at end of sentence.

“I hate it when my hair gets poofed out!” - No need for quotation marks for thoughts?
***
CHAPTER 1
Still groggy, she *shuffled to the bathroom,

… Karen ran her fingers through her shoulder-hyphen needed- length, brown hair [absentmindedly].

Sometimes[,] she wondered how her brain could conjure up such amazing images;

…she stopped, pinching some of the hair strands between two fingers[,] – Full stop

… and the smile brightened- full stop, then new sentence.

… typical for an eleven year old, - eleven-year-old -

When she reopened her eyes—another pair and image [were staring]- stared- back!

Karen dropped the brush[!].

…in its place, [was] the mysterious creatures’ –creature’s eyes - [gleaming]- gleamed - at her. She screamed [in shock!].

[In addition—w] When she slowly opened her eyes a crack; her own image glared back.
and she slowly reopened [the door,] –it – then full stop. [w]Within seconds of entering the library

Sweet! Papers and pencils [j] –need to italise it - ust waiting… for little ol’ me!

She floated over to a comfortable chair in the sunlight. - This sounds as though she actually 'floated'.

and clarity [shined] – shone?- bright—

… her left hand [unconsciously] twirling her hair through her fingers. The other hand tapping the [pencils] – pencil’s, or just pencil eraser? eraser onto the paper

Picture books for the children are on the south facing shelves. Self-help, poetry, gardening, cooking, and
outdoor… references books line the east-facing wall. On the west facing wall are abstract writings from foreign
writers. – Here you lapse into present tense.

A creature of (small stature) would she use these words?

‘[However], the creature was not standing—it [was—hovering] - hovered- in front of me.

[However,] the creature’s eyes were very strange[!]’

She [started to draw] – drew - the eyes, making tiny scratching marks with the pencil. As she progressed with the drawing[—] – use comma instead? approaching footsteps[—] distracted her [from her thoughts].

She quickly hid the drawing as her grandfather *shuffled into the library. *Third time you used ‘shuffled’.

“Good Morning Grandfather[!]. How did you sleep?”
“Good morning Karen[!]. Where are you? Be a dear and help me to my chair[!]”

Karen walked to her Grandfather(’)s side.

*However, I smell paper and pencil!” She gazed evenly at him, knowing he could only see shadows, or outlines of the people he was looking at[!].

*However, his hearing and sense of smell were keen after cataracts robbed his sight.

“I had a dream last night, and I was trying to capture it on paper[!].”

“So what was this dream?” [He asked.] As he held her hand, -he- shifted in the chair[,] and patted his left thigh.

She sat down on his leg and tried to remember[,] full stop instead.

… its long, black hair[:] comma instead? with red tints.”

Grandfather’s mind raced, ah ha, [its]-it’s- Aracelis and not Arc, he thought, and let[’s] out a breath. POV change is a bit jarring.

Her Grandfather’s face changed[;]. [a] A slow grin radiated into a smile of acknowledgement and, he raised his hands, placing them around Karen for a deep, bear hug.

One tear formed and slid from his blind[ed] eye.

“So—my old friend has come back! I knew she would! But—never mind. What do you remember of this dream?”

“When the eyes were gazing at you: making you sleepy, the voice was warm—soothing, in fact, and you wanted to go back to sleep, correct[!] - question mark instead- ”

“So—my old friend has come back! I knew she would! But…never mind! Were there any others that came to you?” [He asked.] Too many exclamation marks throughout.

[However, s]So he had seen the same creature, she thought, shocked. [How could he?] Not needed as she asks him about it.

“When did you…How could you know [them] -it?-, Grandfather?”

“Many, many years ago—before you came about[!]

~Reminiscing ~

I read your prologue and first chapter.

General comments: An engaging start. A clever, fascinating main character. Excellent world building. Good descriptions. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) Some kind of tiny woman! She thought, ... 'She' should be lowercase.
2) ' ... Karen felt suddenly afraid.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe her fear so vividly the reader will experience it along with Karen. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your scene.
3) 'My lord, the charm thingy's' alive ... ' Remove the second aprostrope in thingy's'.
4) 'Karen lets an audible gasp escape.' 'Lets' should be 'let' to keep the writing in the past tense. There are more cases where the writing slips into present tense. It's best to keep the writing in one tense.
5) 'ONLY A DREAM ... ' There is no need to writing in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics or an exclamation mark to emphasize words. There is another case of writing in all caps in Chapter One.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'As she awakened, she was deliighted that ... ' Since this is the beginning of a new chapter, it's best to quickly establish who 'she' is. Consider replacing the first 'she' with 'Karen.'
2) Hyphenate 'eleven year old.'
3) ' ... in its place, was the the mysterious creatures' eyes gleaming at her.' Creatures' (plural possessive) should be creature's (singular possessibe).
4) 'She sets the papers in her lap, ... ' 'Sets' should be 'set' to keep the writing in past tense. As mentioned above, it's best to keep the writing in one tense. There are more cases where the writing slips into present tense.
5) 'The other hand tapping the pencils eraser onto the paper ... ' Pencils (plural) should be pencil's (possessive). There are more cases where you use the plural form when the possessive form is appropriate.
6) ' ... more specific, her Grandfather.' 'Grandfather' should be lowercase. When a kinship term is modified (often with a possessive pronoun) it becomes a common noun and is lowercase. There are more cases where a modified kinship term is capitalized when it should be lowercase.
7) "Good Morning Grandfather!" Comma after 'Morning.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue and didn't offset their name or title with a comma.
8) "So what was this dream?" He asked. 'He' should be lowercase. 'He asked' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's someone's name). There is another case of this problem.
9) ' ... ah ha, its Aracelis and not Arc,' Its (possessive pronoun) should be it's (contraction for it is).

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important opening pages. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you again for your past support of my books.

Have a splendid day.

Al

Good evening (or good morning, in my case), Sir Dream Catcher! I've got an Alliance crit for you. As it's rather late and I'm tired, I only read the prologue and chapter one, but I can have a look at later chapters if you'd like once I've gotten forty winks or so. As always, please take with as much or as little salt as you'd like.

Prologue
If you’re going to use italics to denote her thoughts, then “I am awake,” should be in italics, too.

“…a spinning top affect…” should be effect. Affect is a verb, effect is a noun.

Chapter 1
The punctuation is not quite right – I’ve noticed extra commas, semi-colons where commas would be appropriate, etc. There are also a ton of sentence fragments. These things need some work to make it easier to understand; there were a few things I had to read over twice to make sure I understood what you were trying to say. Also, typos and grammatical errors are things that really stick out for me and pull me out of a story. A good spell checker and/or grammar checker can help with this; so can having someone go over it who's good at catching those sort of things.

The fourth paragraph (Karen slowly shook her head…) has a very odd flow to it; it feels incredibly disjointed.

I love Karen’s reaction to seeing another face in the mirror – I imagine I might react similarly! :)

I’ve noticed a couple of places where you switch from past tense to present. This is rather jarring and doesn’t work. Stick to one or the other. As the majority of what I’ve read appears to be past tense, I’d stick with that.

“As she progressed with the drawing – approaching footsteps – distracted her from her thoughts.” All this sentence really needs is a comma between drawing and approaching – the dashes are completely unnecessary and break up the flow of the narrative.

Hopefully I've been of some help and if you would like me to look at something specific, let me know!

I get a good sense of Karen's personality early on. I read a page along with the synopsis to get an idea of the writing quality, as you asked.
In terms of what can be done to improve, I immediatly spotted a few things.
*Deepening POV
*Tightening where voice will not be lost (ie, reducing redundancies)
*Context/Flow of ideas.
*Punctuation/Grammar (missing commas, comma splices, incorrect grammar/sentence structures, incorrect capitalizations)
The pitch also has some of these errors.

From your pitch, sounds like you have a pretty neat story on your hand. Definitely interesting ideas. From the pitch, I don't know if you are just missing info in your pitch, not realizing it's important, or if you have a bigger plot issue to address. I'm thinking specifically of the arch rival who wants Karen under her control. WHY? Is there something special about Karen, or is it because she's recalled some of the dream?

It probably won't need a great deal of work. These are common mistakes, several of them being ones I make in my rough drafts also. But learning how to fix them could really help bring your MS up to par with publication standards (which, to be honest, would probably put you far ahead of most as you already have a good story, and there are a lot of people self publishing these days without addressing these issues).

Good luck! Let me know if you need anything!

Richard,
Loved the characters and story line. The descriptions are excellent and lead the reader forward. No suggestions to change anything, Good Luck! Highly rated and backed.
Gretchen
"Drágön Spawn"

Finally got to Aracelis – sorry it’s taken a while.

The first thing that strikes me about this is that your own voice definitely shines through. You have an idiosyncratic style that makes your writing distinctive. This is a good thing – you don’t want to lose that. Having said that, though, there were times when I wasn’t sure exactly what you were getting at. For example, ‘They appeared at ease, relaxed, because it sensed no danger, taking on a hypnotic being. The whites were not normal – in power-off state, the colours remained stationary, very thin, vertical lines of wonderment.’ I can get the sense of what you mean, but I don’t think it’s clear. Something that might be helpful is if you got someone to read the book back to you aloud. Then you’d spot where they stumble over the meaning, and it would show you where you could perhaps do with clarifying the writing.

I also don’t get a full sense of being in Karen’s head. For instance, in the prologue you say she ‘felt suddenly afraid’, but I didn’t really feel that emotion alongside her and it seemed to fade very quickly (since in the next paragraph she doesn’t want to disturb the ‘hovering wonder’, which suggests something she’s amazed rather than scared by). I’m not sure her emotions would change so quickly away from fear in a situation like that. Also, there are times when you leave her POV, which again doesn’t help to create that feeling of being in the moment with her – ‘Karen did not realize’ and so on. If you’re aiming for close third person then anything that Karen wouldn’t think or feel herself has to go.

BTW, have you changed from present tense to past tense at some point? Only there are still a couple of sentences in present tense – e.g. ‘The tiny shape’s dark, flowing hair reaching to its hips’, ‘Karen lets an audible gasp escape’.

Moving on to Chapters 1/2, I didn’t understand about the sculpture – Grandfather saying the sculpture had disappeared and then it turns out to be in the desk drawer. How does he not know it’s in there? It was all a bit confusing. And I think there needs to be more reaction from Karen when she learns that her grandfather has seen the same creatures that she has. Before that she still half thinks it was a dream, so she’d be pretty surprised to learn that he had experienced something similar.

I was a little surprised in Chapter 2 that you explained so much about Aracelis and co by having the grandfather talk about the sculpture. Currently it doesn’t feel as though there’s much suspense or mystery about the whole thing, which means I’m not gripped to read on. Everything is very cosy and I think maybe you need a bit of tension running through these early chapters – more questions in Karen’s mind, more doubt and confusion, perhaps not reveal the full extent of the grandfather’s knowledge so early. Just my opinion though.

Finally, there is a quite a bit of erratic punctuation here and there (my editor’s pen was itching to come out ;-) When you’re happy with the story and writing overall then I’d suggest getting it copyedited before you take it any further.

Hope this is helpful, but let me know if you have any more specific points you’d like an opinion on.

Richard,
"Aracelis" gets right down to business with your time weaver introducing herself to Karen in a dream or what passes for one. The prose is simple and straightforward, the dialogue apt, keeping the action sequences vivid and real. Carried along in the alignment of forces against the villkain ARC, Karen holds herself well as a representatiuon of all us ordinary mortals caught in this fantasy adventure. Thank you so much for the fun read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi Richard....love the genre, enjoying your work. Suggestion? Don't listen to suggestion! :-) Not with much more than a grain of salt, anyway...particularly from other writers.

Yours on my WL for now, looking forward!
blessings,
Jim

Okay, chapter three:
The first thing I noticed is that the descriptions in this chapter are quite clinical, quite detached – I know it’s third person POV, but when you’re coming from grandfather’s POV you’re expressing the world as he is seeing it. This may not be as intimate as first person POV but it should still reflect his feelings and reactions. The bones are all there, but there’s not enough flesh for my liking (which is odd, I’m usually much happier with bones lol). I would imagine a person in his position would be outraged at Arc’s behaviour and treatment of him, then terrified at the prospect of her going after Karen. For me, your descriptions should reflect the emotions he is feeling, at present they don’t – at least not for me. Second point on description is that it is very basic. This may well be intentional as you’re writing for a children/family market. Personally I’ve never been able to wrap my head around the concept of writing for children (my head is filled with far too much smut!), but I have found many eloquent books for children that do not simply ‘dumb-down’ the prose to accommodate the younger audience. C.S. Lewis is a good (if rather predictable) example of this; very much written for children but with a much deeper, more adult theme embedded in them. I’m not saying you should start spouting Christian religious jargon in your writing, rather that you might try reading (or re-reading) one of two of his books paying particular attention to his descriptions so you can see what I mean. His writing style is a little old fashioned to mesh with your own, and I would never suggest copying another author’s style – far better to find your own – but it might give you some more ideas.
In terms of the rest of the chapter, you have more of the editorial problems I’ve already discussed with you (once again, happy to play editor if you want to send it over), but the plot is fine, trot along at a good pace, and your characterisation is good, although I think it could be better – but then there is always room for improvement in everything!
Hope that helps hun, hugs xxxx

I see a lot of my first novel in this. It's very clear that you have everything--the characters, the plot, the descriptions--perfectly assembled in your mind, and they're beautiful. The story you have to tell is exciting and passionate and will appeal to young readers, but right now, it's hidden beneath necessary edits. There are glimpses of just how wonderful this could be, but it almost reads like your ideas are bursting forth without any particular order. It needs work.

Are you a member of a critique group? Check around where you live or visit websites like absolutewrite.com/forums. There are a lot of people out there working to improve their craft who would be willing to help you. As I mentioned at the beginning, I had many of the same issues with my first novel. I'd spent so much time developing the story, the characters, the descriptions, everything, but when I went to put it all together, it just didn't come out right. After some heavy-duty editing and brutal, honest critiques, it shaped up quite a bit. Ultimately, though, it took writing another novel before I really began to understand the art of storytelling.

With some work, I believe this could be a marvelous story. I wish you the best with it. Let me know if you make changes. I'd love to come back and view your progress. Good luck!

Hullo,

I see that since I last read the first chapter, you have edited further. However, I would like to comment, if I may.

There is, I believe, a fair element of robust editing required. The dream sequence is written in an oddly fractured style. I mentioned this in my last comment, and I thought it echoed the inherent confusion of a dream rather neatly. You condensed the description of the creature into a workable structure, creating a more tantalising and suggestive image to the reader. Possibly still a bit journalistic in its style. By that, I mean, the descriptions are such, that you appear almost to be ' reporting' on the creatures physical abnormality. Would you consider a more metaphorical slant - remember, this is the opening scene, and you have gone for an entirely visual beginning - no dialogue. It has to be special, every sentence a locket of wonder for the reader. When I read, I like descriptions to be quirky comparisons. The dark lord himself proclaimed on the thread last night that one should be immersed in a worlds, and achieve this in a few short sentences. Your opener is bountiful with description, but I think it has to rise a further bar - to draw the reader into a very special dream, of a very special creature.
I got a little confused with Chapter 1, probably because I'm obtuse. Is Karen still dreaming, as her eyes shift colour. If not, and she sees the startling image of the creature in her own reflection, then her reaction to that is bewilderingly indifferent. Were it you or I, we would be clawing out our hair and reaching for the whisky bottle...
But she retires to her easy chair, and then engages in a conversation with her Grandfather. Here, the perspective suddenly changes, and we hear his thoughts. Yesterday, we discussed the novel Dune, by Frank Herbert. He switched points of view in that novel with such fluidity, that it didn't jarr. But then he was a master. But suddenly, I'm distracted from the heroine, and I'm listening to the Grandfather's thoughts, and I'm not entirely convinced that's an appropriate switch in this first chapter.

Please note - I'm obviously only a dire amateur at this game, as indeed all the fantasy writers here are. All of us require considerable work on our manuscripts. Make no mistake, there are no exceptions.

Take care,

Kenny

Hi Richard,
I am really enjoying this. So far I've read the prologue and first chapter.
The story starts off with a really good 'pull in' for the reader. I love the way the reader is allowed so much access into Karen's thoughts. We see everything through Karen's eyes, and her 'voice' really shines through.
I noticed you repeat two sayings rather a lot: 'However' and 'In addition'. You use these at the beginning of sentences, and I think if you scrap them it would make the sentences much stronger. Also, it's not quite the language that a little girl is likely to use :)
I immediately warmed to Karen and her blind Grandfather. This is unlike anything I've read before and I can't wait to find out more about Aracelis.
Becky.

Dear Richard,

There is substance in your book. Even the greatest authors need several edits before becoming publishable. Therefore I have looked mainly at the plot and setting, which is to my liking. The pace and structure, as I said will certainly improve if submitted for copy editing. I have come through the same route, so I should know.
Keep up the good work and you will finally get ahead in the rankings.

For my part I have starred it and backed it too.

All the best

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

Aracalis
fiction fantasy. 3rd person

Through Ch 1 .
This is a ton better than before. Still a couple of spots where verb tenses are mixed. The descriptions are far better and the POV is staying more firmly with Karen. Good job. A copy editor wouldn't mind looking this over now. It is a very compelling read and it has a vibrancy to it that should appeal to the worldbuilding group.
Raechel
Echo

Richard, I re-read the prologue and found the descriptions a ton easier to visualize. But they are still confusing. I looked up a black opal and found stones mined from opal fields are frequently flecked with fiery reds. They also include a myriad of colors made apparent in their polished state. I assume this is what you mean, but if not, then I was thrown off course.

Watch the tenses as in para 5 “ The creature’s eyes are closed, . . . (were).

Chapter 1 – remember this dream. Is there something special about this dream and if so, at this early stage, can we know about it? (Perhaps it is explained later and I haven’t got there yet.)

“I should become a fantasy write; (writer).

Later on there is a sentence that bugs “….created an ideal environment……&&” (spell out ampersand).

With more editing, I can see this being a great read. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Had a quick read. Much better! But there's still room for improvement. You're still not quite sticking as close to Karen as you should- she needs to be the filter through which events are filtered through.

The orb thing description still threw me. You went into too much detail and didn't give me Karen's opinion of what she was seeing, so it remains dry.

Also the opening sentence- you repeat the word 'dream'. Try and give us a flavour of what was in the dream to avoid this- just a brief sentence of description, maybe.

The writing too isn't quite as smooth or streamlined as it could be- try reading it aloud, that often helps get the flow right.

But it's much stronger than it was, so well done!

In my very humble opinion, this is significantly improved, but from a purely technical perspective, it could still be tightened. Please understand, like absolutely everybody else on this site, I'm only an amateur, and my advice might be as worthless as piss in a kettle. But construction could be more efficient - eg. ' having the most wonderful dream' Really ? from whose perspective. You don't elaborate further - so why desrcribe it in such subjective terms ? Why not simply say she was dreaming.
'That was all she could be sure of'. This, to me, is a clumsy sentence.
Your descriptive prowess sparkles ; I however, prefer a more metaphorical style, but that's only me.
This work has the promise to be something more. Eradicate the rawness, edit further, and you'll get there.

love your opening lines...you takes straight into your story with the description of the creature...a very readable book...backed; six stars******
read SEASONS...

Richard, your visual descriptions are second to none. 11 year-old Karen has a dream, or was it? I found the first paragraph that describes this creature easy and my mind was able to conjure it. I like the ‘power-up’ image when a person becomes ensnared in its gaze. But I was lost by the descriptions in between. Being a visual, sensual type (as we writers usually are) I want to see it, touch it, feel it. I wonder if this can be somehow simplified. Is the word ‘tilde’ overused? Later on, when Karen draws the figure, I start to see it in more detail. There are some tense changes―easy to remedy.

Just a few nits: No―a being of small stature, stands up-right (should there be a dash between these words?) on two tiny legs:’ “I think she stand!” Should this read, “I think she was standing?”

Your premise, by the way, is mesmerizing. It certainly draws in a wide audience. Still reading on because I am intrigued. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

To be candid, I thought the beginning was over blown. Your description of Aracelis is lengthy. As such, the impact of its oddity gets lost ( at least to me ). Couldn't you condense to one well written, insightful paragraph.The creatures eyes seem to be its most unusual facet, judging by what you're saying. But look at this sentence - ' she knew what the pupil looked like. The pupil was similar to a cuttlefish's pupil'. In one short burst, you've used the word pupil on three occasions. It is then used again ( and again) shortly after.
This description is puffy, too fleshy. It's not clean enough. Hone it down, make every sentence count.

I see what you're trying to do, by creating hesitancy in some of the decription, reflecting her dream state. But this is too clever by far, and I thought unnecessary. Only an opinion.
The interraction between grandfather and grandchild was good, though you went out your way to tell us he was visually impaired, when perhaps I might have got more satisfaction assuming this from subtle hint and mannerisms etc.

A few edits away from perfection, but almost there.

This quote, suggestions and advise are WHAT I need to polish Aracelis. The opening needs to be tighter, drawing the reader in to a fantasy world. Make every sentence count, don't repeat the obvious, let the reader figure out and explore. I agree with your first Paragraph" "The beginning was over blown." You are very right. And I agree with this. It is too lengthy and I will cut and focus, make it one well written, insightful paragraph.
Please feel free to make any comment because I will not be offended. I made it through US Marine Corps boot camp in 1977 with a promotion from Private to PFC as a squad leader, so I can handle any advise.

Richard A. Wentworth
Aracelis

To be candid, I thought the beginning was over blown. Your description of Aracelis is lengthy. As such, the impact of its oddity gets lost ( at least to me ). Couldn't you condense to one well written, insightful paragraph.The creatures eyes seem to be its most unusual facet, judging by what you're saying. But look at this sentence - ' she knew what the pupil looked like. The pupil was similar to a cuttlefish's pupil'. In one short burst, you've used the word pupil on three occasions. It is then used again ( and again) shortly after.
This description is puffy, too fleshy. It's not clean enough. Hone it down, make every sentence count.

I see what you're trying to do, by creating hesitancy in some of the decription, reflecting her dream state. But this is too clever by far, and I thought unnecessary. Only an opinion.
The interraction between grandfather and grandchild was good, though you went out your way to tell us he was visually impaired, when perhaps I might have got more satisfaction assuming this from subtle hint and mannerisms etc.

A few edits away from perfection, but almost there.

Right then, found some time to give your book the once-over. Remember, you're the man in charge, so whatever I say need not influence your own grand vision of greatness.

PITCH- okay, this is a bit all over the place. I think I understand, but it's very messy in its presentation. Now I'm not familair with the ins and outs of your story, but from what it reads it's very muddled. Who is Karen? Why mention her after Aracelis? Is Aracelis a Dream Water or a Time Weaver? Is there a difference? Just what is the main theme of the story, and what thread connects the characters? Give us at least some cohesion to what's to come.

ONE/ PROLOGUE

This reads very clinical. You're telling us what's happening- fine. But there's no zest to it. I'd like more of Karen's insight into what's going on. Maybe:

'Karen opened a sleepy eye a crack, frowning. She'd been having the most wonderful dream; trust her brain to jolt her awake when she was getting to the good bit. Yawning, she shuffled under her sheets, trying to find a comfortable position to drift back to sleep, when something flitted across her vision.

Karen blinked, her sleepiness forgotten. What was that? Drawing the sheets closer, she peered round the end of her bed. Sure enough, a dark shadow was sitting beside her feet. A dark shadow?!...'

Just something to build up the atmosphere a little, so when Karen gets her surprise, so does the reader.

'She didn't move a muscle. Instead she lay motionless'- this is the third time you've told us she's lying still. No need for the last one- cut it.

You description is interesting but this creature's small, right? And standing a bit far away. So how can Karen see so clearly? I'd give me a line telling where the fairy-creature is so I can gauge how near it is.

Hmm, I have to say, you're not holding my attention very well. Lots of description, but not enough relating it to what Karen is seeing/ thinking/ feeling, so the ideas don't flow. Also, with Aracelis blurting out her role, it's just info dump. Step back a bit and see things from Karen's point of view. Filter events through her. Get her scared (which you've done), but then show us her personality- is she docile? Curious and can't stop asking questions? Thinking it's all in her head? By giving us her reaction we can tell what kind of person she is. I'd like more of her inner narrative.

Hence the dog bit lost all impact because it was just thrown in, rather than linked in to what went before. More characterization would bring this together more.

Writing wise it's good enough- easy to read.

ONE

A little better as you're more in Karen's head. But again, you could do more. Give us her thoughts. Is she thinking about the dream? If so this could link in nicely with her altered reflection...

'Karen smirked, brushing her hair and watching her curls straighten in the mirror. What a crazy dream last night! Some weird fairy thing called an Aracelis had given Red a new hairdo, and then buzzed off with a promise of some stories. Sometimes Karen wondered how her brain could conjure up such amazing images. She'd seen the creature so clearly; with its hip-length hair and strange pulsing eyes. Eyes that were right now staring back at her from the mirror...

Karen dropped the brush, staring her reflection. Only now it wasn't her reflection anymore...'

Obviously something neater than that but just to link in the event more naturally.

The scene changes are too quick. One minute she's in the bathroom, then in the library. Smooth them out.

You're changing tenses- 'The chair...and is comfortable'. Stick with past. Also 'young body'- would an 11 year old girl think of herself as having a 'young body'? Don't think so. Keep things to her point of view and her level.

'I think she stand'- eh?? Grammar check. Didn't understand this.

The exchange between grand-daughter and grandfather is sweet but again, you seem to be in a rush to get the plot out, you've left the characterization and world building in the dust. Events don't have a nice natural link between them and it's not as coherent and smooth as it should be.

Chapter Two is much the same.

You have a lovely idea, but you'll need to work hard to bring it together. Some things to consider:

1. The structure of the narrative. If Karen is the main character, stick with her thought/ feelings and reactions. In a lot of good books I read, it's almost like the character is giving a running commentary on what's going on. Everything that happens is filtered through her- she has a reaction to everything, whether it be boredom, fear, excitement, curiosity, anything. Strengthen her personality, show us how she's like as a person.

2. Grammar and verb tense- keep it consistent. None of us are perfect, that's true, but this is important to keep the flow of the writing and not lose the reader's attention.

3. World-building- give us an idea of the situation Karen inhabits. Even if it's just her house, tell us how she sees it. Her room- large? Full of toys? Wishing she didn't have to share with a sister/ brother? You did this nicely with the library. Just to bring the setting to life a bit.

4. Don't try and be too fancy with punctuation. I noticed lots of ellipses (I'm addicted to these things myself!), hyphens and semi colons. If it can be done by comma and full stop/ period, do it that way. Save the exotic punctuation for the high impact moments.

And most importantly, let the story come on its own through the interaction of the characters, not because the plot says we need to move on. This is tricky (and I'm no way near there myself), but it's important to help the story flow more naturally and smoothly so when we read we don't constantly nitpick at the plot or why things happen.

This might sound negative but in truth I think you've got a magical and fascinating story begging to be told. But you'll need to sharpen up how you present the ideas to us. Execution can be just as important as the story itself!

Reading other books with a similar premise to yours can help, too, as you can see how certain things are presented and take it into your learning.

All the best and good luck,

Sam241

Hi Sam,
I read your comments and...THANK YOU!!!!!!!!
Finally some one to set me strait, give me practical advise to improve Aracelis and encourage me to get down to business. Thanks again, and if you have any more great thoughts, please feel free to comment or message again.

Thanks,

Richard A. Wentworth
Aracelis

Right then, found some time to give your book the once-over. Remember, you're the man in charge, so whatever I say need not influence your own grand vision of greatness.

PITCH- okay, this is a bit all over the place. I think I understand, but it's very messy in its presentation. Now I'm not familair with the ins and outs of your story, but from what it reads it's very muddled. Who is Karen? Why mention her after Aracelis? Is Aracelis a Dream Weaver or a Time Weaver? Is there a difference? Just what is the main theme of the story, and what thread connects the characters? Give us at least some cohesion to what's to come.

ONE/ PROLOGUE

This reads very clinical. You're telling us what's happening- fine. But there's no zest to it. I'd like more of Karen's insight into what's going on. Maybe:

'Karen opened a sleepy eye a crack, frowning. She'd been having the most wonderful dream; trust her brain to jolt her awake when she was getting to the good bit. Yawning, she shuffled under her sheets, trying to find a comfortable position to drift back to sleep, when something flitted across her vision.

Karen blinked, her sleepiness forgotten. What was that? Drawing the sheets closer, she peered round the end of her bed. Sure enough, a dark shadow was sitting beside her feet. A dark shadow?!...'

Just something to build up the atmosphere a little, so when Karen gets her surprise, so does the reader.

'She didn't move a muscle. Instead she lay motionless'- this is the third time you've told us she's lying still. No need for the last one- cut it.

You description is interesting but this creature's small, right? And standing a bit far away. So how can Karen see so clearly? I'd give me a line telling where the fairy-creature is so I can gauge how near it is.

Hmm, I have to say, you're not holding my attention very well. Lots of description, but not enough relating it to what Karen is seeing/ thinking/ feeling, so the ideas don't flow. Also, with Aracelis blurting out her role, it's just info dump. Step back a bit and see things from Karen's point of view. Filter events through her. Get her scared (which you've done), but then show us her personality- is she docile? Curious and can't stop asking questions? Thinking it's all in her head? By giving us her reaction we can tell what kind of person she is. I'd like more of her inner narrative.

Hence the dog bit lost all impact because it was just thrown in, rather than linked in to what went before. More characterization would bring this together more.

Writing wise it's good enough- easy to read.

ONE

A little better as you're more in Karen's head. But again, you could do more. Give us her thoughts. Is she thinking about the dream? If so this could link in nicely with her altered reflection...

'Karen smirked, brushing her hair and watching her curls straighten in the mirror. What a crazy dream last night! Some weird fairy thing called an Aracelis had given Red a new hairdo, and then buzzed off with a promise of some stories. Sometimes Karen wondered how her brain could conjure up such amazing images. She'd seen the creature so clearly; with its hip-length hair and strange pulsing eyes. Eyes that were right now staring back at her from the mirror...

Karen dropped the brush, staring her reflection. Only now it wasn't her reflection anymore...'

Obviously something neater than that but just to link in the event more naturally.

The scene changes are too quick. One minute she's in the bathroom, then in the library. Smooth them out.

You're changing tenses- 'The chair...and is comfortable'. Stick with past. Also 'young body'- would an 11 year old girl think of herself as having a 'young body'? Don't think so. Keep things to her point of view and her level.

'I think she stand'- eh?? Grammar check. Didn't understand this.

The exchange between grand-daughter and grandfather is sweet but again, you seem to be in a rush to get the plot out, you've left the characterization and world building in the dust. Events don't have a nice natural link between them and it's not as coherent and smooth as it should be.

Chapter Two is much the same.

You have a lovely idea, but you'll need to work hard to bring it together. Some things to consider:

1. The structure of the narrative. If Karen is the main character, stick with her thought/ feelings and reactions. In a lot of good books I read, it's almost like the character is giving a running commentary on what's going on. Everything that happens is filtered through her- she has a reaction to everything, whether it be boredom, fear, excitement, curiosity, anything. Strengthen her personality, show us how she's like as a person.

2. Grammar and verb tense- keep it consistent. None of us are perfect, that's true, but this is important to keep the flow of the writing and not lose the reader's attention.

3. World-building- give us an idea of the situation Karen inhabits. Even if it's just her house, tell us how she sees it. Her room- large? Full of toys? Wishing she didn't have to share with a sister/ brother? You did this nicely with the library. Just to bring the setting to life a bit.

4. Don't try and be too fancy with punctuation. I noticed lots of ellipses (I'm addicted to these things myself!), hyphens and semi colons. If it can be done by comma and full stop/ period, do it that way. Save the exotic punctuation for the high impact moments.

And most importantly, let the story come on its own through the interaction of the characters, not because the plot says we need to move on. This is tricky (and I'm no way near there myself), but it's important to help the story flow more naturally and smoothly so when we read we don't constantly nitpick at the plot or why things happen.

This might sound negative but in truth I think you've got a magical and fascinating story begging to be told. But you'll need to sharpen up how you present the ideas to us. Execution can be just as important as the story itself!

Reading other books with a similar premise to yours can help, too, as you can see how certain things are presented and take it into your learning.

All the best and good luck,

Sam241

Hi Kim
This is what I need. I've been working on POV and am still trying to understand, however, this comment helps alot, because it points out things I missed or thought it sounded good.

Thank You Kim

Hello! So, chapter 9. I still like your story very much and want to read more. Here are a few things you may want to think about:
- Be careful not to change between past and present tense.
- You are getting much better at POV, but you still slip in places. Grandfather "detected a scent of freshly baked bread". Karen wouldn't know this unless he told her. She also wouldn't be able to see the stunned look on her own face.
- I wanted more visuals.
Keep going with it. You are doing a great job.
With best wishes
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

Hello! So, chapter 9. I still like your story very much and want to read more. Here are a few things you may want to think about:
- Be careful not to change between past and present tense.
- You are getting much better at POV, but you still slip in places. Grandfather "detected a scent of freshly baked bread". Karen wouldn't know this unless he told her. She also wouldn't be able to see the stunned look on her own face.
- I wanted more visuals.
Keep going with it. You are doing a great job.
With best wishes
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

Chapters 6 and 7 were a hoot. Aracelis the Commando, sending a tickle to the dog. I like the nervous laugh escaping from both Arecelis and Map, adding a touch of absurdity (maybe a sense of humanity). And I loved, loved, loved how the air-born tickle then passed through Map's hair. I laughed out loud here. I really enjoyed this stint.
Best,
John B Campbell

I enjoyed this whimsical YA book and was wondering if Aracelis could come visit me tonight?

The premise is fantastic and your writing is filled with lots of beautiful images that give the reader a sense of wonder. I would include Karen’s age in the first chapter to help flesh her out more quickly.

Nice work and happy to have on my shelf.

Jaen Wirefly
Glimmers

Chapter five is fun. "I love that sound." Many things here made me smile. Uncle Zappo, Map's wild ride. Such an imaginative story that young folks should love.
J