Jack, I Am

JACK I AM
Chapter 31-37. Jack kills his old boss and Spicer loses his job. And the killings continue. A good comparison of how little CSI knowledge there was in London at this time. Today, John would never be able to get away with all this mayhem.
Chapter 38 -42. This is an interesting stretch of chapters as trailing Jack becomes a cat and mouse game between Abberline and John.
Chapter 43-45. John’s father dies and leaves him some money and a bunch of letters. A good connection that John likes to journal and his father also appears to like to write. And made me wonder how different John’s life would have been if this man could have actually been a father to him.
Chapter 46-end. John can’t stop killing even when he moves to New York. I read somewhere about similar murder in New York. Made a good ending to this.
Cover and pitches: My computer is a laptop so the cover design isn’t clear from the small picture I see. I like the read, though. Certainly suggests the amount of blood there is going to be in this story. The pitch is good.
Pace: Because you include so much detail about John’s life, this isn’t the fastest moving book. I enjoyed the day by day detail, though, so didn’t mind that.
Point of View: Telling this from John’s point of view is what makes it unique about Jack stories.
Authenticity (Historical accuracy): After I finished, I googled Jack the Ripper’s murders; was pleased to find the names of his victims are the same as the story.
Characters: John is a complex character. Liked him a lot. Kate was a puzzle to me; I liked her a lot in the beginning, but when she joined the house of ill repute, I lost a lot of respect for her. Felt she was too good for John. Spicer was a good character; made a good confidant for John.
Descriptions: You describe things well. Seemed to fit the period.
Dialogue: I liked the lisp because it is part of what make John work; on the other hand, it’s hard to understand. If I had a suggestion it would be to pick out only one or two words that John can’t pronounce, so the lisp exists, but it’s not constant.
Plot: If I had a suggestion it would be to get to the first murder sooner in the story because that’s when a reader’s interest really picks up.
Publishability: I have no idea why publishers choose books; I know I enjoyed reading this.
Style: This is a strong point; your style is simple and easy to read.
Technicalities (grammar, repetitions, typos, etc.): No problems.
OVERALL: A good character study; Reads as if John really could have been Jack the Ripper.

Hist.Fict. Group
Dear Mr. Carter-Squire, Read 3 chapters; will continue. Very good atmospheric scenes, and the plot moves along at just the right pace. Your research must have been very good. No quibbles so far other than some already mentioned in earlier comments. Do wonder: Since he has already killed one prostitute, at least, why does he spare the next two, although he is furious at them, and there seems to be no greater danger to him? It seems to be about Jack the Ripper, or a copy-cat, but doesn't use the worn-out trick of making him a nobleman or other Great Person (one had him as the Prince of Wales). Your book is far more likely. Will write more, as I read (later), and decide on bookshelf and stars.

Egon Richard Tausch
A Voice In Rama: A Novel of the Slaughter of the Innocents

Hi, there – this is your BHCG review from AudreyB. As you may know, I am accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. Whatever you don’t agree with was likely her doing.


Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
I’m not terribly enthused by your SP or LP—but that opening paragraph, that’s a good one. Extremely tantalizing.

I think the word you wanted was “foreword.” Not forward.

After finishing the first bit, I believe I’m about to read a new take on the story of Jack the Ripper. True?

So he heads off to the pub, interested only in good food. Then he tucks into his mystery meat because he’s so hungry he doesn’t much care what he’s eating. These descriptions conflict.

I also feel, after 2 chapters, that the description of John as ‘naïve about women’ isn’t totally accurate. He’s mistaken about women. He views them in rigid categories.

You offer lots of detail when describing the interiors of the pubs where John eats, but not nearly enough when you describe the whores John meets, or the family of the Chinaman. Concentrate the details on the most important parts of the plot; that’s what keeps the reader engaged. For example, we follow John on two very similar nights. He gets off work, eats, is propositioned. Instead of presenting these two similar incidents, present just one—but infuse it with the sights, smells, and sounds of the fish market, the streets, the whore, the pub and the night.

Characters/Characterization
So far the most interesting character is the setting, a grimy and unhappy place.

Point of View/Voice
I’m not sure what you’re doing here with POV. First we have the foreword, written by the MC. Then we have a description of “a man” who sits and writes in first person in his diary. Then in Ch 2 we have a 3rd person present tense description of John.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
I am not sure how to describe your style. I think you are trying for a sort of Poe/Dickens quality to your writing, and I think you are hitting the mark pretty well. I am way outside my comfort zone here, however. I think a more straightforward style could convey the horror a bit more dramatically, but I’m kind of a fan of the straightforward style.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
The Hag could have a field day here, but she often runs off when there is too much to be done. Don’t fret, though. Publishers can pay a Hag of their own to scrub manuscripts. What sells is the story, and you have a good story idea.

Would the old Oriental man be described as such in 1889? I think he’d be called a Chinaman.

Dialogue
There was very little dialogue in the first three chapters.

Originality
I don’t read this genre, so I don’t really know.

Publishability
I think you have a ways to go here. John’s motives need some depth, some underlying psychology besides the standard mommy issues. His humiliation being introduced to her johns could be presented in a much creepier way, for instance.

And do take me with a grain of salt. I write Christian YA, for pete’s sake.

All the best to you,
~AudreyB

Jack, I’m is the most atmospheric read here. The writing style appeals to all senses and creates multiple visual experiences. The MC is a ticking bomb, the tension is mounting and, as the excerpt ends, one is anxious for poor Kate. Awesome. Happy to shelve this.

Iva P. / Fame and Infamy

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: A chilling, gritty start. John is a sympathetic main character. Vivid descriptions which add dimension to your scenes. A strong sense of time and place. Good tension. Quick pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... the streets were less crowded, and bleak.' Insert 'less' before 'bleak.'
2) Hyphenate 'night covered.'
3) 'There are sounds; church bells, horse's hooves clattering on the cobbles, ... ' horse's (singular possessive) should be horses' (plural possessive).
4) ' ... and begins to write ..... ' When using an ellipsis ( ... ), only use three dots. Using more than three is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean to imply with five dots. You don't want that.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) You use a 'constant' word twice in the second paragraph. Consider using an alternate word for one of them.
2) "For a fine gentleman such as yourself, we have an excellent pot pie," the landlord snorts. Since you can't 'snort' dialogue, put a period after 'pie' and capitalize 'the.'

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) ' ... John shakes the preferred hand, and smiles weakly at the rest of the people.' 'Preferred' should be 'proffered.'
2) "Keep your filty old hat covered woman, and leave me alone." Comma after 'covered.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There is another case in this chapter where you address someone in dialogue, but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
3) Hyphenate 'white washed.'

I hope these comments help you fuurther polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a marvelous day.

Al

Crime/Thriller and Sub-genre Review Group
Title: Jack, I Am
Author: Rick Carter-Squire

Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[07] Speed
[07] Enjoyment
[05] Interest

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure) [Grading criteria for ‘Literacy’: 1 = Lots of errors, 5 = Enough errors to interrupt my read, 10 = No errors]
[05] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors
[05] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors
[10] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[07] Coherent / Order
[09] Character/Subject Development

Marketing
[05] Cover Design
[08] Pitch

TOTAL
[68/100]

Comments: I read your first three chapters. A chilling, gritty start. John is a sympathetic main character. Vivid descriptions which add dimension to your scenes. A strong sense of time and place. Good tension. Quick pacing.

Star rating: 4

My grading criteria for everything but ‘Literacy’: 1=not publishable, 5=publishable, 10=exceptionally publishable

Dear Rick,

Sorry for the delay in posting here on this page but relieved the IT problems are solved....

Here is my review for the purposes of our new thread.
Crime/Thriller and sub genre review group
Title: Jack, I am
Author: Rick Carter-Squire
Chapters 1,2 and 3
Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[6] Speed (Easy/Fast)
[6] Enjoyment
[7] Interest (very good scenes)

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[5] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors (easy fix)
[4] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors (small punctuation errors)
[07] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[6] Coherent / Order
(7) Character/Subject Development

Marketing
[5] Cover Design
[07] Pitch
(TOTAL
[72/100]

Comments:
Strong start, atmospheric, all that swirling fog.
This book is a good example of the crime/thriller genre, and a re-imagining of the Jack the Ripper story is one that should appeal to other readers.
4 stars

Other Comments
The way that Jack examines his hands in the candlelight in the first chapter leaves this reader with a sense of foreboding as these hands will, no doubt, go on to kill and kill… How chilling to promote him from porter to fish filleter, learning his skills from a master in the arts of wielding a knife.

I have never heard of the use of the word ‘chippy’ before in the context of Victorian England. Is it a word more familiar, perhaps to North American readers?

Great to see you've taken on board the copy edit nits and are getting on top of those wretched commas!

Alison (Lambert Nagle)
Revolution Earth

Jack I Am.
Ch.6. Once again, I find myself transported into Jack's bewildering world, and I like the contrast between his diary and hislife in the present tense. You chronicle his gradual degeneration with skill.

Ch.7. Depravation has set in with remarkable speed, and we see a new, mischievours John who is turning into a bully.
Then you drift into Kate's viewpoint, but the change is natural enough.
Do you really need that sentence 'She finds him interesting most of the time, although he can be difficult sometimes.'? You show it well enough.
And you can safely remove those words: eventually, just.
In the paragraph when dJohn kisses Kate, the changes in viewpoint muddle the impact for the reader, rather. Perhaps it would be better to show it through the eyes of one of them, while describingt the reactions of the other?

Ch.8. 'Wisps of vapour ... like shredded curtains.' What imagery.
That description of Kate's father looks sudden and a bit contrived. Might it be better to introduce it earlier, when William first appears in the story?
And the plot gallops ahead, with John already thinking of marriage, while still uncertain about Kate's questionable heritage.
You are developing his character and emotions very credibly.

I'm glad I've come back to read on. Are you going to post up any more chapters?

Jane. (Breath of Africa)

Crime thriller and sub-genre review group feedback:

JACK I AM by Rick Carter Squire

Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[09] Speed (Easy/Fast)
[09] Enjoyment
[08] Interest (very good scenes)

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[10] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors (easy fix)
[08] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors (easy edit)
[10] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[09] Coherent / Order
[09] Character/Subject Development

Marketing
[10] Cover Design (Great - black, red and white - perfect for the genre)
[06] Pitch (a little too narrative-led - could use more shock-tactics, short and long statements mixed up a bit for impact)

TOTAL
[88/100]

Comments: Good, atmospheric, almost steampunky.

Only hitches as I could see were that in the third-person passages 'John' is mentioned by name far too often - when he's the only person in the scene having action described, no more than naming him once every other paragraph should be necessary, the rest replaced wth the identifier 'he' - I don't know if this is for style, but it's a little jarring - I kept checking no-one else had been introduced between sentences, and would save having many sentences begin with 'John...' Also in the diary passages, I felt that John/Jack's writing was a little immature 'diddies' and few commas used to pause for breath - also didn't know yet if this was for style. His outward actions and attitude portray someone more sophisticated.

Interesting subject to pursue as a story, particularly since recent revelations in the press about a convict who was executed that is now believed to have been the real Jack - great timing for another fictional account.

Lisa

I've sent you a message with the full review.

Crime/Thriller and sub genre review group

I read the first three chapters of your novel and I have slightly mixed views about it. First the positive things – you have a very good talent for interesting description. The prose is not bogged down in it and it tends to be interesting. The setting and premise are both interesting. What I found difficult was the mix and switch between narrative styles. There seems to be three in the first chapter alone. Originally I had tried something similar with mine but found it worked better when I just stuck to third person. I also personally find it hard to follow when something is written in the present tense but this is very much a personal thing.

Hi Rick,
Have a bit of a problem working the site yesterday and today – keep losing everything every time I click or change pages. However, as a last move I will cut and paste into comments. I made some notes on Chapters 1 2, 3 & 8. Your book seems to have been around some time and I am picking up things which people advised you about some months ago. I don't want to get too far ahead here as you may not be updating your story. However, as you backed me, without review, and which is no longer there, I thought I would give it a go. The following is only so the piece can be improved in terms of a first read which you need when submitting to a publisher. One point that nags me: have you researched the type of labour employed at Billingsgate at that period? I thought that, generally, the gutters and filleters were groups of women who 'followed the catch' from Aberdeen in Scotland down to the South of England. Men worked at Smithfield – Meat Market – just a thought.

Chapter 1.
Hags who stand. (maybe stood).
Scotland yard. (Yard)
Were there street lamps in the East End in 1899?
Shadow but anaemic lamps?
Breathe forming. (breath?)
Foot of candle. (maybe base of candlestick).
He gently reaches for the ink bottle. What changes his mental situation to suddenly 'plunge' the pen into? (maybe carefully dips).
Maybe place Feb 24 1888 at the beginning of where: Fog chokes...
A woman I think. Then you go on to describe her in terms of mother. Maybe sort this 'mother' image out. It is repetitive which is okay but needs to be put differently.
You KNOW she is old.

Chapter 2.
Change of tense. Not sure about this.
Carriage tracks churn up otherwise virgin covering or something like that.
Overhear conversations. (maybe overheard).
Seeing an empty table by the bar. (period). The Landlord approaches.
Rough hewn lumber. (maybe timber).
Diddeys. (okay, could guess meaning but had to go online to check this. Not in Oxford dictionary).
My back gave out lucky. (comma after out).
A tiny little man. (maybe tiny or little or dwarf).

Chapter 3.
Maybe no work at that time was easy.
Naturally causes some discussion(s) over beer. (maybe ambiguous).
Why not refer to the man throughout as the Chinaman? unless used twice in close succession.
There isn't much time anyway. Believing...take man by arm (omit comma).
Jabbering. (maybe find alternative to duplicate word.
'knives more quickly and some of the oriental fighting. (maybe re-arrange all this).
Bit of a gap between a three shilling and a threepenny shag. Twelve times as much and both are old slappers!
Chapter 8. You make much reference to fog, vapour, clattering coaches, (maybe too much).
Sound of drowning fish? Never heard a fish drown.
In that period, children were publically visible 24 hours per day, usually drinking gin.
Fine women of the street? Contradicts his earlier description.
I must be vigilante. (maybe I must be vigilant).

Hope this is of use. Let me know when you amend the story.

Chris

A BHCG Review,

Rick - I'm at a bit of a loss here. I read through maybe half of your opening chapter and had a pile of comments; every single one of them was negative. Now I've read through your other comments and feel as though I must have been reading a different book! Everyone else raves about how well you've captured the character of John, how well you've got his POV and his motivation, and I didn't get any sense of that what-so-ever! I was, quite frankly, appalled at the poor punctuation. It's not even the fact you're punctuating the diary entries poorly to show the character, because the middle section about the shadow (which I have a particular aversion to - especially when you think you're shocking me by declaring "the shadow is a man") is just as poorly punctuated.
I'm full of a disgusting flu-type bug at the moment, so I can only assume that's why my viewpoint is so different from many others.
If you want my actual comments, please message me and I'll pass them on, but they're definitely brutal.

I read the first few chapters, and from what I see you have painted a very good interpretation of one of the most facinatining and disturbing historical figures I can think of. I don't read much historical fiction but from what I can tell, this is very good. All in all very good.

Good Luck,

Roy Earle, "Bad Men and Bad Odds"

HI Rick,
As promised I read the first three chapters today.
Overall the English you write comes across as authentic and well researched. I liked the 'three-penny upright' and athough I'd never heard it used in this context the tag 'chippy' sounds right and the reader accepts it because of the authentciity of thje language. Perhaps it is most evident in what Jack writes - all sounds very 'of-the-time' and i sgripping as a result.
I thought the opening was cinematic, great atmosphere. I am a fan of different POVs in a story and like the tandem effect with the diary-entry at the end.
Some sentences need work - chap 2 para 9 'Repulsed...' needs at least one comma and conjugation.
The MC is powerfully present. His contempt , his thrills ( good that you have him excited as books seem awash these days with robotic psychos) and his motivation - what a nice mum!
Thank you for the read.
Regards,
John

Happy to back your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
Sue50

JACK, I AM-

Hello Rick,

Here are my comments over your first chapter. As I tell everyone I comment on, take what rings true and just pitch the rest. I think too many times authors stop following their own intuition about their story and start listening to these comments too much. So if you don’t agree with something, just ignore that I said it. Before I begin, I wanted to say that I agree with one of the commenters bellow about the word “trollop,” I have no idea what this means. But it could just be the differences in countries and their English use. Either way, I found the long pitch interesting enough to make me see if you wanted to swap reads, so it serves it purpose in hooking the reader.

CH 1-

I’m usually not a fan of forwards, prefaces, or prologues. But, there is something about this entry that I really enjoyed. It was haunting almost, in part because of the simple language that conveys a very powerful message. This is an awesome hook that keep propelling the read. Good job with that.

I would like to see more line breaks, instead of white space to indicate a shift in scene. This could just be personal preference though. But, it’s something to think about.

“I have stabbed someone this night,” is a really good moment. Full of suspense and intrigue for the reader. Then we learn that he enjoyed killing the woman, a really disturbing admission on the part of the main character.

I like that we see that Jack the Ripper may have had some Mom issues here... I love that you are showing us something is plausible and you are making me believe and buy this version of events. 6 stars from me and good luck!

I very much enjoyed the writing in your prologue. Perhaps it is an American/British english difference but I really have no point of reference for the word "trollop" it is not a word I am that familiar with and it stopped me as I was reading because I had to go look it up to see precisely what you were referring to...Of course these things can be figured out by context, but I just wanted to be honest and mention that...

Fog: it should either be "hanging" or "swirling" - not both (I'd vote for "swirling" personally)

I was not as convinced by this second section that was not written in first person. It seems to me that you write better in first person, and I'm not entirely sure this second "section" is necessary. Yes, it sets the tone, but I felt like it took me out of the story rather than bringing me into it. I wanted to get back to Jack's voice which I found compelling and original. Perhaps if it were told in the first person? I understand there are journal entries but maybe someone observes him and then tells it from his/her perspective? Something about it just didn't work for me.

Yes! Back to Jack's voice. And again - very good writing - I am drawn in immediately.

Chapter 2 -

Even though this is not written in first person I am enjoying the writing here immensely - so perhaps it was just that interlude in the first chapter that needs to be reworked a bit. The writing here is chapter two is crisp and confident.

Chapter 3 -

I'm very much enjoying this voyage into the mind of a madman.

The addition of the fish story and the Chinaman to this story gives it richness and intrigue. How Jack obtains skills with his knife - and it seems - he will learn stealth this way too - from a master. Fascinating.

This is a chilling read, that's certain. But I very much enjoyed the interplay between the journal and the writing about what happens during Jack's days - there is a sense of a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde attempt or play at work here and I think it works well - it kept me reading.

I wish you lots of luck with this - I certainly enjoyed what I read and I like the "voice" that you conjure.

All the best,

Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

Hi. This is a BHG review:

Pitches - both good. Pitched well to draw the reader in.
PLOT - Always popular topic and situation. Jack the Ripper and his equivalent appeal to the crime loving reader. Here we follow a well-drawn character in John, charting his disintegration as he begins to head towards murder. His backstory is well drawn to explain what leads him to it.

PACING - I found it well paced. Just enough to lead the reader on, without dragging or being overdone. I thought the place was very well described to give the feel of where it is all happening, the historical background and even the feel of the relations between men and women and the habits of a single man like John. It does keep more of less the same pace, so if I were to make a suggestion as a reader it might be to vary it a little, either in sentence length etc. within a chapter or in individual chapter pace, for eg. when the murders happen, to help with a sense of urgency and tension as events unfold, in contrast to his dometic life.

CHARACTERS/ISATION - I thought John was very well drawn. We get a definite sense of his held in, slightly disturbed personality from the start. The other characters are also individual and recognisable. I thought the whole bit with the workers, expecially the Chinaman was excellent.

One point - is he deliberately writing the journal for someone else to read? Because if not, he wouldn't give all that explanation and backstory to himself. Minor point and only happened in an early entry.

POV/VOICE - I like the style of the writing. John's journal showing his inner thougths, and also the actual authorial choice of pov, where we get a sort of relating of events that due to immediacy, comes over as a personal relating too.

General comments- I read 14 chapters of this - very easy to read and creates an atmosphere when reading that is excellent. Liked the start - a chilling voice with a sense of wrongness. It was clever how his mood seemed to reflect the way he saw the city as having changed, too. The writing is well done and accessible. We learn about John's past and feel sympathy even while we realise how warped he is. We want things to go well when he meets the girl at the pub. We want it to be a good marriage, but it's not long before things go wrong. I can see this, with one or two tweaks, being very popular with your target readers. It's not the sort of thing I'd normally choose, but I read a lot of it all the same.

Typos and so on - You can ignore these if you like. Some people like to have them pointed out, some don't:

Need consistent capital letters for - East End, Scotland Yard
Words that should be one word, not two - 'overnight' (chapter 6, diary entry) Streetlamps, whitewashed (ch 3 in the pub) overhears.

typos - 'breathe forming soft clouds around him...' should be breath.
'.. with it's' vapour...' should just be with its vapour.

tense changes here and there - chapter 6 - 'she did not want to continue questioning John (past) because she could tell....... she cleans up (present)
another tense change when the boy spills water over his foot at work - what John did to him should be in past tense too.

tense change - 'Kate giggled (past) as she sits (present) with John (chapter 10)

Overall, very good read that kept me reading for ages. Well done.
Cariad.

This a BHCG Review

Your pitch is good. The one thing I did wonder though, is that you have told us his backstory, told us why he is this way, which in turn takes away the reader discovering what has brought him to this point, so I am hoping that backstory doesn’t weigh down the narrative – as it has already been stated.

I think the setting is fitting for the location and period. I think the writing flows well and the pace is good. Technically there are a few small issues, nothing that a few more edits won’t fix.

POV you go from present tense to an omniscient narrator in the second chapter which I feel works all right, although I wasn’t sure if that was intentional.

The style is simple, yet engaging, and I was surprised after three chapters that this is languishing in the charts.

I like the character of John and overall think this is well done. I feel this has great potential in the genre it is listed under, although I am certainly no expert on genre or anything else.

Below are just some small things I noticed why reading.

Little thing, but I think it should be – “like the chains of Newgate prison” – no ‘a’

“Stopping finally at a single door, the sound of a key clattering in the lock and it opens allowing the shadow to drift inside.” ----- tense problem. It should be ‘clatters’ not ‘clattering’

The shadow is a man in his late twenties, thin moustache curled up at the ends, bright blue eyes and pleasant to look at face although currently sweating profusely. ---- ‘and a pleasant”

Blowing out the match he stands straight and hangs his wool coat on a hook by the door. ---- why wasn’t he standing straight before? You never mentioned he had bent over or sat all anything so ‘stand straight’ isn’t needed…her can merely ‘hangs his wool coat on the hook by the door.’

He sits on the chair next to the table and stares into the candle, ----into the flame?

Several healing cuts on the knuckles but otherwise clean. ----several healing cuts are ect

The teeth begin to show and finally his head rocks back in a silent laugh. -----comma between ‘show’ and ‘and’

After a moment his body relaxes and he places his hands flat on the table staring at the candle once more. ---- comma between ‘relaxes’ and ‘and’

with it’s’ ---- should be ‘its’

CH2

At first sight, John appears normal although he is slightly taller and better built than the average man. ----- normal compared to what? I’m not sure you need the normal bit – although I think that is because you are comparing what is probably and internal abnormal to his build, which btw I wondered if ‘better built’ fits the period.

“For a fine gentleman such as yourself we have an excellent pot pie” the landlord sneers. ---- why is the landlord sneering. Doesn’t he want the business? –

John’s head snaps around in anger looking for the owner of the hand. He sees an older woman standing beside him smiling down. ----- ‘smiling down’ is awkward – You don’t smile down at things. I think you need ‘smiling at him’

CH3

Lee chuckles softly, “ ---- need a full stop or period after ‘softly’ not a comma

Backed and goodluck with this.

JACK I AM
Chapter 31-37. Jack kills his old boss and Spicer loses his job. And the killings continue. A good comparison of how little CSI knowledge there was in London at this time. Today, John would never be able to get away with all this mayhem.
Chapter 38 -42. This is an interesting stretch of chapters as trailing Jack becomes a cat and mouse game between Abberline and John.
Chapter 43-45. John’s father dies and leaves him some money and a bunch of letters. A good connection that John likes to journal and his father also appears to like to write. And made me wonder how different John’s life would have been if this man could have actually been a father to him.
Chapter 46-end. John can’t stop killing even when he moves to New York. I read somewhere about similar murder in New York. Made a good ending to this.
Cover and pitches: My computer is a laptop so the cover design isn’t clear from the small picture I see. I like the read, though. Certainly suggests the amount of blood there is going to be in this story. The pitch is good.
Pace: Because you include so much detail about John’s life, this isn’t the fastest moving book. I enjoyed the day by day detail, though, so didn’t mind that.
Point of View: Telling this from John’s point of view is what makes it unique about Jack stories.
Authenticity (Historical accuracy): After I finished, I googled Jack the Ripper’s murders; was pleased to find the names of his victims are the same as the story.
Characters: John is a complex character. Liked him a lot. Kate was a puzzle to me; I liked her a lot in the beginning, but when she joined the house of ill repute, I lost a lot of respect for her. Felt she was too good for John. Spicer was a good character; made a good confidant for John.
Descriptions: You describe things well. Seemed to fit the period.
Dialogue: I liked the lisp because it is part of what make John work; on the other hand, it’s hard to understand. If I had a suggestion it would be to pick out only one or two words that John can’t pronounce, so the lisp exists, but it’s not constant.
Plot: If I had a suggestion it would be to get to the first murder sooner in the story because that’s when a reader’s interest really picks up.
Publishability: I have no idea why publishers choose books; I know I enjoyed reading this.
Style: This is a strong point; your style is simple and easy to read.
Technicalities (grammar, repetitions, typos, etc.): No problems.
OVERALL: A good character study; Reads as if John really could have been Jack the Ripper.

JACK I AM
Chapter 23-26. I like the idea of the mushrooms. A good gimmick to get close to street walkers. Joining the street patrol was a stroke of luck. The way you’re tying the reason for making the murders more and more violent is good. Gives John motivation rather than being a senseless serial killer.
Chapter 27-30. John continues with his periodic killing, but then kills Kate. Half of me tells me this is out of character for him. The other half tells me killing has become such a common act for him, killing her is just a routine part of his life. This is definitely a turning point in the story, tho. Up to this point, no matter what John was doing, I felt sorry for him. Now, I’m anxious for him to get so over confident he’s caught even tho I know if you hold true to history, that’s not going to happen.

JACK I AM
Chapter 14 & 15. Things are going downhill in a big way. I’m really disappointed in Kate; I thought she was going to be a good wife.
Chapter 16 & 17. John has sunk to being a grave robber. And is becoming proficient at killing woman. This has become a case study in sociopathic behavior. Amazing to me, as terrible and gloomy and as unfeeling as John is, I still like him. In light of his background, his behavior seems justified.
Chapter 18 & 19. John sinks lower and lower. And then decides killing whores is his duty. That’s a novel idea as to why Jack the Ripper did what he did. And works. Good writing.
Chapter 20 & 21. John gets a job in construction and does well; enough I really had hope for him. But then he meets another whore and his hate clicks in again. I was surprised he gave up the bridge building job after he paid money for a new apartment. Now he’s back in the same fix he was in when he lived with Kate; shortly he’ll have to give that up again because of back rent.
Chapter 22. John kills again. I like the way he’s trying to save Kate by killing so many. And how he realizes simply killing women will not be important enough to create any change; he’s going to have to mutilate them. Again, this all makes sense. HFGR

JACK I AM
Chapter 6. Sorry I took so long to get back to reading this, but work and family insist on interfering. I liked this chapter because it shows how really terrible sanitation is in the city. It’s ominous not only because of the way the rats are becoming so bold but because of the way Jack likes the feel that ale leaves with him so much. I’m getting used to his lisp but still having to reread some of his dialogue for it to make sense.
Chapter 7 &8. Jack is thinking about Kate more and also drinking more. This is interesting reading, but at the same time I’m ready to get to the first ripper murder.
Chapter 9. Jack proposes and looks for a bigger room. The hints he could be fired because he’s not working fast enough are good; I can sense how he will explode the minute he learns he no longer has a job.
Chapter 10. John almost kills Annie’s client. Good. You’re setting up what will eventually happen here very well. I was surprised to hear John call Kate a “silly woman” and he drinks because she “babbles” in his journal. I thought the one positive thing about him was he loved Kate.
Chapter 11. The wedding. Good chapter. I feel badly John’s money is gone; some people just can’t get a break. The wedding night scene is graphic and very telling how unsatisfying this marriage is going to be.
Chapter 12 & 13. Kate meets Elsie. And she changes into the type of woman John hates most. Overall, this is a little more graphic reading than I’m used to in historical fiction but the overall feeling of suspense and knowing there is no way this is going to end well keeps me reading.
Historical Fiction Group REview

Jack, I am
Chapter 3. John learns to fight. This reminds me of The Karate Kid. A lot of people thought Jack was a surgeon because he used knives so well; this is an alternate explanation as to why he uses knives well.
Chapter 4. John finds a better room and meets Kate I’m surprised at his lisp here. He didn’t speak that way in Chapter 3 when he was talking to the Chinaman.
Chapter 5. John is getting involved with Kate. Should you explain what hypospadius looks like? And wouldn’t his mother have pointed out to him he’s different than other men? Or if he saw so many men coming and going with his mother (he slept in the same bed as them), wouldn’t he have noticed he was different? Wannabeawriter Who Killed the President? Historical Fiction Review Group

JACK I AM
When I first looked at this, I thought, do we need another story about detectives investigating the Jack the Ripper murders. I soon changed my mind when I discovered this isn’t as much about the murders as it is about Jack himself.
Prologue. This prologue is a little preachy. I almost feel as if it should be an epilogue or come at the end of the story after we learn first hand how badly women are treated and how bad detective work was at the time.
Chapter 1. Jack as a small boy. He’s obviously smarter than his mother. You have an easy to read writing style; makes this an enjoyable read.
Chapter 2. John voices his dislike for prostitutes. Good introduction to what he’s thinking and the reason for the murders.
Wannabeawriter Who Killed the President Historical Fiction Group Review

Hi Rick,

Here is your Brutal Honesty Crit Review (are you a member of the Historical Fiction Group, as well by any chance?)

I am going to be brutally honest in this review but please remember that this is just my own opinion. Please ignore everything you disagree with.

Cover: Loved it.

Pitch: Not so keen. Sounds more like an introduction to a biography than historical fiction. You need to create some suspense and give a hint of your story line. Give the readers a reason to read your book, rather than all the other books about about JTR. (I'll come back to this with some more practical help when I've read a bit more.)

Prologue: This is not a prologue. It is a factual article that can included in 'Author's Notes' at the end of the novel - or saved to use as a blog entry when you are rich and famous. Whilst it is well written it is off putting to a fiction reader.

Foreword: I like the idea of him leaving a written account of his actions (very original) but I think there are a few problems here. First of all, get rid of all the exclamation marks. These should only be used in direct speech. Then I stumbled on the phrase 'barking mad' - this makes him come over as too jolly and a bit upper class. Try replacing it with a phrase that has 'evil' in it.

I also had a problem with his description of the East End of London as a clean place where people walked around with smiles on their faces and laughed. My own research of the Whitechapel and the East End has shown that it was a squalid, vice-ridden den of iniquity for centuries. Check out the excellent Channel Four series 'City of Vice' with Ian Mckellen (or was it Mc Diarmad?) and you will see where I am coming from.

I was also uncomfortable with the idea that he set out to 'change' London and the way things were done. Your 'prologue' tells us - no doubt correctly - that great changes were made in London following the ripper murders but I find it hard to believe that social change is what motivated the evil barsteward to butcher five women. I think you just need to get the readers hooked by telling the story and and stop trying to make it political.

I may be wrong but I think the word 'cops' is a bit too modern for Victorian London. Sounds like an American import to me.

I absolutely loved the section from 'The fog choked the night...' to the end of 'she is the one I blame. I found your writing lyrical and felt myself in London with the anaemic street lamps and the boat whistles from the Thames. This is your story Rick - and this is what you should concentrate on - because this is where your real skill lies. The only problem I had with it was the simile about the chains of Jacob Marley, how about changing that to rattled like the chains of a Newgate convict ?

Unfortunately, you then instantly threw us into the dreaded 'back story.' I wanted to know about the woman he killed and how and all I got was the tale of a seven year old who is clearly going to develop 'mummy issues.' As a rule of thumb back story should only be inserted into the second half of a novel. I would strongly advice you copy and paste it into a spare word document called spare script and save it for use later. I don't advice this lightly, Rick because in the end I removed the first two chapters of 'Catching the Eagle' (all back story, as it turned out) and started my novel with the robbery I had promised my readers in the pitch.

To be honest, the only bit I would keep of this first chapter is the excellent part I noted above which starts: 'The fog choked the night...'

Now back to your pitch: How about something like this to start it off?

A London fish gutter flees from the mutilated corpse of a prostitute. Quivering with excitement, his bloodied hands pick up a quill to write his journal.

With exemplary calligraphy and painstaking neatness, John _____ tells us his story in his own words......

Anyway, all the best with it.

Susanna
'the Missing Heiress'

Hi Rick,

i think there's a lot of interesting information in here, both the stuff you've made up and the more factual stuff, but the story still feels very convoluted in style and structure.

The prologue feels unncessary. I think what all that sstuff about what it was like back then is interesting, but would be much better conveyed within the story. Something like how bad visiblity was at night could be made obvious where it had a bearing on the story.

The way you swap between journal and narrative feels very arbitrar. The first flashback abot his childhood is from the narrator, the next one about his sailing days is in the journal. You mention how much he hates his mother and would gladly kill her if she wasn't already dead, but the flashback is more about the dad leaving, and she never seems really terrible (he is Jack the Ripper after all, you expect something truly awful in his childhood).

The construction of scenes and how hey relate to each other often feels a bit random. The first journal entry (24th Feb 1888) is about how he has just killed a whore, but the actual circumstances are left vague. The next entry (25th) reads like he hasn't killed anyone, although he's thinking about it.

The way whores upset him is almost comical and makes him come across as quite juvenile.

i think the jump between narrative approaches doesn't really help. His meeting with Quan could esily be all done as journal entry and woudl give us an insight into how he thinks. Lines like how he wasn't helping the old man out of altruism, but because he wanted the secret to his art would be better coming from him. I don't see the advantage in doing it both ways (which doesn't mean there isn't one, of course).

I'd have to say the natural starting point for me was him working in the fish factory competing with the old man but unable to keep up, and then helping him. A Jack the Ripper story that starts with martial arts is certainly an attention grabber. I would also work on his relationship with whores. Just freaking out every time one flashes him seems a bit over the top. That may well be how it was, but that sudden and extreme a reaction doesn't allow for much build up and so isn't that great in story terms.

i read the first three chapters and I think the pace is too slow at the start and the structure is confusing. But there is certainly a lot of good material and the writing feels cleaner than before.

regards
mood

A BHCG review
Jack the Ripper tells his side. Reminds me of an excellent Fred Saberhagen book where the infamous Dracula tells his side.
Looks well-researched, so if you're not careful, you might learn something.

Plot / Pacing
Prologue too much like a school essay. An interesting thesis, but not a hook.
A prologue and a forward, double awkward.
followed by a journal followed by a flashback that has a daydream sequence. too much. You may need more linearity.
I would try to write it solely as a series of journal entries.
his work experience that grooms him to be a good killer is well-done, as is the constant search for a good place to eat.
I would specify the restriction -- not fish.
However, in chapter two when things are building to a peak for him, you refer to the first kill in past tense. That sounds like a something we shouldn't have missed, rather more important than a first sexual experience in a romance novel.
In three, his learning martial arts fits very well into the super-criminal origin story; however, I don't quite buy someone who is that skilled in the arts would let himself he beaten to the ground. You might need to have him justify this more
In four, be clear about why he is getting another room when he already has one.
But you do a good job showing how constant insult to injury makes him want to act.
In 6, you add ale to lower his inhibitions, and encourage magical thinking. again, good building.
By chapter 7, he's becoming that greatest of all evils, the person he hates most.

Characters/Characterization
the time spent with his mother and father were very good.
The angelic contrast of Kate comes across well.
If you go to the trouble of bringing up hypospadias, you should say how severe/how far down.
You seem to make Whitechapel itself a character, complete with smog and plague.

Point of View/Voice
Unless we see from the policeman's eye later, you might consider first person.

Style –
Victorian, a little stiff. Interspersed journal, sometimes shifting without warning. I would be more comfortable with one, instead of the hoping. The writing about him writing feels awkward.
consider contractions

Sentence level - in email separately

Dialogue
Because Jack is so anti-social, lisps and is such a loner, this is rare.
Be consistent about the lisp, because he doesn't seem to have it with Quan Lee.
Make sure to put different people speaking into different paragraphs.

Originality - I remember a recent one by Patricia Cornwell, but I don't know about her POV, etc.

Publishability - not in its current form, I think. There is some great meat here, but publishers tend to stop reading in less than three chapters.

Scott Rhine -- House of the Holy

Jack I am. A HFG read.
Rick, I see I've already read three chapters, so will continue on.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.3. Your style is without embellishment, workmanlike, and probably mirrors exactly the time and place, and people of whom you speak.
But an early sentence strikes me as cumbersome. Might it not be clearer to simplify it to saying John was fascinated by the greater skills of the oriental man, especially as they resulted in less work - or something on those lines?
And if you said John saw two other men approaching oriental man, it brings the scene more alive than the passive tense you use.
That's a great touch - revealing John's inner motive for helping the Chinaman.
You dont always need to refer to 'the man'. Just plain him' would do most times.
You convey the bleak simplicity of the place just as it is: 'The courtyard is surrounded on all sides by the blank back walls of four storey (you spelt it wrong!) buildings as if the builders had forgotten the centre bit.'
And I have a vivid picture in my mind of the Chinaman's home. And the scene where John is subjected to a taste of the martial arts is delicately drawn.

Your grammar and some spelling need attention, and you stray sometimes from the immediacy of the present tense, which is a distraction. There are also some unnecessary repetitions. But these are technicalities, which an editor will addre3ss for you (probably better sooner rather than later).
It's the story you tell, and the way you tell it, that strikes me. Maybe because I havent read any other Ripper stories so I come to yours fresh!

I will read on, ignoring most of the nits, as I am fascinated.
(Cant help myself!): 'He leaves the pub cautiously' is better. Grammarians will tell you never to start a sentence with an -ing word.
Wouldnt that diary episode be better written in italics - to differentiate from the action?

Ch.4. You stray into the landlord's viewpoint briefly in that first paragraph, which is a distraction. You couldd remedy it by simply deleting the final sentence, which is superfluous anyway. You are conveying the landlord's surprise with the words 'After a moment.'
Did John steal the knife, you've got me wondering... and then the answer comes. Good technique. But youdont need that bit about his training with Quan Lee again. The reader will have guessed it already.

John's character and shortcomings are being gradually revealed as the story progresses.
'Her eyes and her mouth are smiling' - speaks volumes.
Yes - men do find it hard to follow women's logic, I've noticed!

Ch.5. Be careful not to strayfrom the third person to the first person in that paragraph where he is thinking of Kate.
And I think youdefinitely do need to show the intimate diary entries in italics.
More is revealedabout John's shortcomings, and so the tension builds.

I'll leave it there.
Hope this helps, Rick. There is something compelling about your book...
Jane (Breath of Africa).

Hi Rick,
I love your new format for Jack, I Am. It's come a long way! I expect you'll find it now has a wider appeal. I read the first five chapters and was well and truly impressed with the improvements. Already liked your approach to the story. Five stars.
Cheers!
John

I'm intrigued at the way you have approached this story of Jack the Ripper. It is certainly very unique and a clever thought. The Ripper is an enduring tale which raises as many questions as it does answers. To look into the mind of a murderer presents a challenge and an understanding of pyschology which will hopefully emerge as the story progresses. An impressive Foreword which sets the tone well got me off to a good start.
I do wonder if the police were called 'cops' as opposed to 'peelers' in those days, but you have clearly done some research so I'm sure you must be right. Anyway, this is proving an interesting and compelling read.
If I were to be really critical, I'd have to say your format worries me a little. There are long solid paragraphs as I read through the chapters which might be better broken down and perhaps as he keeps his journal, writing it in italics might draw the eye better. It sort of just appears and therefore for me lost some of its impact.
These are just my thoughts sent with respect and I shall certainly come back to read more. Margaret. HFG.

OK, this was a recommended read so I checked it out.

Based on the alluring subject matter, that of Jack the Ripper, the unique take on a potentially tired out theme--first person no less--and a stunning foreword (yes, foreword, not 'forward' - sic) I'd buy this book in a heartbeat...

BUT, guess how dismayed I'd be when I got it home and discovered that the font style throughout it was in italics?!

(Regrettably, I had to stop reading here because the room felt like it was tilting.)

(Or else I was.)

I would correct these things I've noted above because you have a real winner here, IMHO, so it will aid its ascent considerably, whereas now I'm afraid it's teetering on somewhat unreadable as is.

On my lists/s. Best of luck with 'Jack, I am'. Really dig that title, too.

E.R.

Hi Rick This is a Historical Fiction Reader's group review.

The cover is nothing less than one would expect from the incomparable Bradley Wind. It was your pitches that made me want to read the book due to long fascination with subject matter. and the promise of learning more about the man who became probably the best known monster of all time..

The pace is steady enough to build up a picture of John's liife and encourage you to read more. Neither too fast nor too slow you have it just right.

POV is unique as no other Ripper book (in my understanding) has ever given as a personal insight into Jack's head and thought processes. or even tried to truly understand them. It was this above all else that recommended the book to me because I think we also have a deep seated Ripper curiosity whether we admit to it or not.

Characters arre great and we can easily identify with John as who would want to sleep in the same bed with their mother while she was having sex with some stranger? Kate is sweet and engaging and different from other women John is aware of. She also does not make fun of his speech defect which endears her to him.

The description is very evocative and you get a feeling of being with John both at home and at work. I even got the queasy feeling I get in real life when exposed to string fishy smells) The dialogue is also extremely evocative and conveys a sense of the time and I had to laugh at the police man's comment that Scotland Yard men could not find their arses with two hands and a map.

The plot is engaging although we think we know where it will end up I expect a major twist at the end and it's that that makes me want to keep reading. The building of the scene is essential and the character development engaging.

When it comes to publishability I think this is the Ripper book the world has been waiting for as it does not bore us with the same known facts.

The combined narrative and diary style is also well thought out and imaginative as it really gives us a look inside Jack's head.

I am no expert on technical stuff like punctuation as always being pulled up on it myself.

All in all this is a great read and I weill be back for more soon. I will recommend highly to the histroical fiction group which might be worth you joining to raise your profile as more who know about it the better it will do.
I think every one has a secret curiosity about Jack the Ripper whether they admit it or not.

Shelved and starred. well done and I look forward tor evised edition although to be honest there isn't much wrong with this one.

Hi Rick

A powerful atmospheric startr and I could feel the tension and smell the London smog. I am drawn in wanting to know more because to be honest this subject has long fascinated me and I think you have presented it from a brand new angle which I like.

I have watchlisted you and will give you stars. I have a few other autho reads on the go but I fully intend to return to this one. I think you have something uniquely brilliant here on asubject which fascibnates most of us whether we admit ot not. I wish you the very ebst of luck with this!!

Hi Rick

A powerful atmospheric startr and I could feel the tension and smell the London smog. I am drawn in wanting to know more because to be honest this subject has long fascinated me and I think you have presented it from a brand new angle which I like.

I have watchlisted you and will give you stars. I have a few other autho reads on the go but I fully intend to return to this one. I think you have something uniquely brilliant here on asubject which fascibnates most of us whether we admit ot not. I wish you the very ebst of luck with this!!

Hi

RJ from the BHCG

Here is your review based on about 20 pages.

Pitch: A pitch for me is like a menu. I look for something I might like; something that pulls me in. I wasn't pulled in by your pitch. The 'Jack the Ripper', history, I feel, has been done to death and this puts me off.

Plot: It has a 'prequel' quality to it. A lot has been written about the murders in Whitechapel. Jack himself has seeped into our criminal mythology.

Pacing: pacing was good. It ticked a long quite nicely, though the fist few sections jumped around far too much which made the POV disjointed. I would suggest a more structured chapter format.

Characters: This is the aspect that needs the most work.

I feel you need to get to grips with the psychological underpinnings of these characters. As some one who works in psychology I found some of the main characters ramblings unbelievable and at times wholly unrepresentative. A few examples.

1. 'He buggered me many times but it didn't matter as I was learning.'

You are telling the reader that the character has had ongoing child hood sexual abuse. Most children who suffer such terrible abuse would not go on to address it in such plain and factual or view it as a transaction.

2. We are presented in the first few sections with a young man's radically developing misogyny, the result of a dysfunctional projection, representative of his drive for social purity. The word 'whore' and his ideas about women and female sexuality being implicit to this. ( These terms are massively overstated in the first litter of segments). There is no slow corrosion or bend toward psychosis or sociopathic behaviour, it is a drop down a hole. I think this belies the reality of such personalities and as a result does not evoke authenticity. It is all too readily explained and too quickly established. Undoubtedly you understand your Ripper history and conjure well the East End and Whitechapel of the 1900''s though this is not going to be enough to make this story stand out.

Also, why does the main character have these views? Is it because he came from poverty, experienced abuse and watched his mother die to the bottle? Many people experience such painful realities but do not turn out to be famous mass murderers? What is different about this person? Why does he descend to such depths? Remember, when answering this question, that you are writing for a modern audience. Our understanding of disturbed psychiatric conditions and personality disorders are extensive? A person so disturbed would sound like what? How would they think?

I want to hear and feel the journey of this disturbed and fractured mind as it lends itself to the knife, to blood, and eventually, to hell.

I would suggest some excellent books about psychopathy, Sociopathy psychosis and the criminal mind.

Point of View: I think you have definitely got the right perspective on this. We want to get close to the heart of the killer and what better place to start than in the heart of the man himself.

Style: Touching on my points earlier, it was too superficial and lacked depth, considering it is a FP POV fo one of the most shrouded figures in criminal history. Detailing thought and dialog in writing is a real skill because it is the one thing that can quickly end suspension of disbelief for the reader if it is not accurate and authentic. Owing top the POV it has to feel intimate and representative of the character, after all they're not just telling us a story they are revealing themselves, often sub-consciously. It can easily start to sound clichéd or borrowed.

Style: Style was solid.

Sentence Level: Can I suggest reviewing your use of grammar in the opening sections. I had to re-read some of the sections owing to a lack of punctuation. Shotern some of your prose and make it punchier. Semi-colons might help to break up the clauses of some of the sentences.

Originality: An interesting approach to a well known story, one of the most explored in criminal
history.

Publishable: In its current form no. This manuscript needs a lot of work. However, there will always be a market for JTR books and with tGothic and horror novels making something of a revival there is always scope.

***Some years ago I did some research into Ted Bundy. There's a lot archived video footage, interviews with Bundy himself, court footage as well as academic studies. They give good insight into the machinations of his personality disorder and misogynistic actions, leading to the violent sexual murders that sent him to the chair. You get a good sense of him as the manipulative, charismatic to whom morality meant little. Looking at characters who have commited such violent crime might help***

Hi

RJ from the BHCG

Here is your review based on about 20 pages.

Pitch: A pitch for me is like a menu. I look for something I might like; something that pulls me in. I wasn't pulled in by your pitch. The 'Jack the Ripper', history, I feel, has been done to death and this puts me off.

Plot: It has a 'prequel' quality to it. A lot has been written about the murders in Whitechapel. Jack himself has seeped into our criminal mythology.

Pacing: pacing was good. It ticked a long quite nicely, though the fist few sections jumped around far too much which made the POV disjointed. I would suggest a more structured chapter format.

Characters: This is the aspect that needs the most work.

I feel you need to get to grips with the psychological underpinnings of these characters. As some one who works in psychology I found some of the main characters ramblings unbelievable and at times wholly unrepresentative. A few examples.

1. 'He buggered me many times but it didn't matter as I was learning.'

You are telling the reader that the character has had ongoing child hood sexual abuse. Most children who suffer such terrible abuse would not go on to address it in such plain and factual or view it as a transaction.

2. We are presented in the first few sections with a young man's radically developing misogyny, the result of a dysfunctional projection, representative of his drive for social purity. The word 'whore' and his ideas about women and female sexuality being implicit to this. ( These terms are massively overstated in the first litter of segments). There is no slow corrosion or bend toward psychosis or sociopathic behaviour, it is a drop down a hole. I think this belies the reality of such personalities and as a result does not evoke authenticity. It is all too readily explained and too quickly established. Undoubtedly you understand your Ripper history and conjure well the East End and Whitechapel of the 1900''s though this is not going to be enough to make this story stand out.

Also, why does the main character have these views? Is it because he came from poverty, experienced abuse and watched his mother die to the bottle? Many people experience such painful realities but do not turn out to be famous mass murderers? What is different about this person? Why does he descend to such depths? Remember, when answering this question, that you are writing for a modern audience. Our understanding of disturbed psychiatric conditions and personality disorders are extensive? A person so disturbed would sound like what? How would they think?

I want to hear and feel the journey of this disturbed and fractured mind as it lends itself to the knife, to blood, and eventually, to hell.

I would suggest some excellent books about psychopathy, Sociopathy psychosis and the criminal mind.

Point of View: I think you have definitely got the right perspective on this. We want to get close to the heart of the killer and what better place to start than in the heart of the man himself.

Style: Touching on my points earlier, it was too superficial and lacked depth, considering it is a FP POV fo one of the most shrouded figures in criminal history. Detailing thought and dialog in writing is a real skill because it is the one thing that can quickly end suspension of disbelief for the reader if it is not accurate and authentic. Owing top the POV it has to feel intimate and representative of the character, after all they're not just telling us a story they are revealing themselves, often sub-consciously. It can easily start to sound clichéd or borrowed.

Style: Style was solid.

Sentence Level: Can I suggest reviewing your use of grammar in the opening sections. I had to re-read some of the sections owing to a lack of punctuation. Shotern some of your prose and make it punchier. Semi-colons might help to break up the clauses of some of the sentences.

Originality: An interesting approach to a well known story, one of the most explored in criminal
history.

Publishable: In its current form no. This manuscript needs a lot of work. However, there will always be a market for JTR books and with tGothic and horror novels making something of a revival there is always scope.

***Some years ago I did some research into Ted Bundy. There's a lot archived video footage, interviews with Bundy himself, court footage as well as academic studies. They give good insight into the machinations of his personality disorder and misogynistic actions, leading to the violent sexual murders that sent him to the chair. You get a good sense of him as the manipulative, charismatic to whom morality meant little. Looking at characters who have commited such violent crime might help***

Hi Rick,
This is my first effort as a member of the BH Group. I should explain that my appreciation of any book from an academic viewpoint is extremely limited. I read for enjoyment, stimulation and excitement. I am a very visual reader in the sense that i need to have a strong image of each character, both mentally and physically, as well an awareness of the background in which the story is set.
I like the way you describe your characters through their actions. John's body strength is vital to the plot but their are no cliches about rippling muscles. Alright, he's got wavy hair and a moustache but thankfully we are spared the colour of his eyes and the presence, or not, of an aquiline nose is left to the readers imagination.The handling of his speech problem and minor deformity were handled very sensitively and added much to the suspense of when and how he would eventually snap.
I thought John's progress from teetotaller to drunkard and Kate's from naive virgin to whore were a little too rapid but this was partly caused by your dating of each page in the diary. I really like the way that you build up the suspense of the story, once again without resorting to endless cliches. For example, when John sees Kate talking to the two women in the pub.We may speculate that they're whores but we are left in the dark as to the possible outcome. Very Hitchcockian if there is such a word?
My main concern is that the writing, both narration and diary is a little bit stilted and formal for the circumstances. This is the rough and tough East End.I know you have tried to give the dialogue a period tone but for me it doesn't quite come off. Maybe the occasional rhyming slang and a few abbreviatins would create a slightly more realistic picture?
Finally,... Fish smell and if you work with them all day, you smell. When Kate first asks John what trade he's in, it should be pretty obvious, particularly as the washing facilities in his digs appeared to be very limited.
So far, I have only read four chapters but I intend to read the whole book because I want to know what happens, not just next, but right to the end. A thoroughly enjoyable read. I wish you every success.
Carl

Rick, this is my initial BHCG review for you and Jack, I Am.

Plot: Pretty clear what you intend to do; a bio/memoir of Jack the Ripper. From the beginning there's lots of back story, which for me as an American with no Ripper fetish is helpful.

Pacing: A bit slow for me. I think at times it bogs down in the desiderata of his daily life, especially when echoed in his own journal. The narration at times felt more like stage directions.

Characters: Obviously Jack is a compelling character, I do like that you've made the effort to get into his head, aiming at psychological thriller style. At times I do wonder if he would refer to himself the way he does, at one point in his journal referring to his "wavy hair" and his moustache. In the first chapter, at least, there don't really seem to be any other three-dimensional characters, except for his mother. I do like the madonna-whore complex she generates in him.

POV - Mixed here. I like Jack's voice through his journal most of the time, though I'm not always transported fully to the time period. The narrator's intervening style, as I mentioned above, feels like stage directions for a play, with very brief, declarative sentences.

Style: I liked the letter intro - I think it's the best writing in the whole piece. I suspect some of that is intended to draw contrast between early Jack and late Jack, and that works. Beyond that, I kept reading wondering when we were going to get into the "real" story.

Sentence: Not bad. A few errors here and there, but nothing editors couldn't help with.

Dialogue: Limited because of your stylistic choices. I didn't always find the words or phrases chosen by characters to be era-appropriate.

Originality: A well-worn subject matter, but with what seems to be a fresh approach.

Publishability: Not sure. it would depend on how the editor feels about the narration-journal style. You've done something different, and that is always a gamble.

Best of luck!

Joe

Jack, I am. BHG Review.
The cover - I cant see it, it is too dark. Short and long pitches work fine. Many words have been written on this subject. Let's see what yours have to say.

Forward. A compelling, well-written forward, which gives a glimmer of the raison d'etre of Jack's life.

Ch.1. You paint a vivid picture of the docks.
Try not to repeat words within a paragraph - gut, tub, room - it spoils the flow, and becomes tedious for the reader.
You can safely delete words such as still, which wont take awayt from the quality of your writing.

The sentence 'He stopped Constable Spencer again' speaks volumes in the light of John's lisping request. Clever.

I am intrigued by your technique of switching POVs from the authorial to that of John. I've tried it with another story of mine, but kept the personal POV only for times of dire stress.

You dont need to repeat John's name with a paragraph - the reader knows who you're referring to.
Try omitting the sentence 'He hardly noticed her hand on his arm,' and try deleting adverbs like sweetly, softly, flatly. You will find this strengthens your style. Do you mean she'd taken off her hat?

Avoid exclamation marks wherever possible. They distract the reader. And beware of changing viewpoints within a paragraph (you switch to Kate's VP when you say 'relief swept over her')

John's personality grows as the chapter progresses. Boosted by the beer, he becomes more sure of himself, and begins flexing his muscles and showing his darker side. Kate brings out the best in him - but I wonder for how long?
I am wondering if it is really necessary to repeat the days' activities through John's diary. Would it be better to incorporate the events in his viewpoint, and save the diary entries for his times of great stress? Or maybe even have it all in diary form...

3. Poor John, the victim of circumstances. I liked your turn of phrase, 'Something has to be done, he thought, and his hands made fists of themselves.' Poignant.

I find it hard to believe that William the publican would denigrate his own daughter. Would it be better if John were told by someone else about her mother?

You have an easy style of writing, and I feel drawn into the story. I hope you will forgive the nit-picking, but you will need to address these problems if you want your readers to enjoy your book without being distracted.

Jane. (Breath of Africa)

Hi Rick,
In considering how you might bring out John's character more so (in chapter one), a decision will have to made (most likely--again) about the use of POV. Now, this beginning is often cinematic, as if we're being introduced to John via a movie. However, this holds us at some distance, which you might decide to continue to do here.
I thought we were getting into his POV when he was at the market, filleting fish, but then we come across: He is a handsome man with a winning smile. This, of course, is a narrator's view. Were you to decide to change this to John's mind in third person, you could convey such as thing as his good appearance by having John notice the lingering gazes of young women passing by--kind of thing. So, it's a choice. I don't mind the approach you have at present, but it could be told from a more intimate perspective.
Cheers!
JBC

Hi Rick.
These are my thoughts and responses for the BHC group.
I do not offer these on grammar and writing other than to look for a good story which makes one want to read on to the end and use the GMC criteria to do so.
One problem I had was I found your chapters so hard to read because of the change in font style and points of view I would have stopped reading very quickly except that I wanted to be able to offer my opinion on your chapters.
As it is I only managed to read through I read through chapters 1 and skipped up to chapter 11 so that I could get the flavor of your voice and style.
Goals, It soon became obvious that Jack goal was to get revenge on the society that allowed women to sell themselves as his mother had been forced to so that they could live.
His motivation was his hatred of women and prostitutes in particular. Were these sufficient motivation to murder, he believed so and was able to shift the blame onto others. The conflict was not obvious in the little I read.
Plot;/Style- You show us a fresh take on this iconic story and underneath the clutter of the many changes of POV and tenses, there lies the backbones of a good yarn.
Characterization:- We see a little of the confused state of mind of jack during the time spent their in the first person but I did not find I could relate to his time frame and background as the locations were not fully described or shown.
Originality:- Indeed whilst this is not an original idea you do give it your own slant and an interesting concept.
Publishable:- As I have mentioned I could not get past the quirkiness of the formatting so this is not for me to say.
I wish you all the very best and trust you will accept my comments and opinions in the good faith they are given. Ray Jones. Hyperion. The Chosen.

Rick - a BCHG review. I've no literary training nor ever published so feel free to deal with these comments as you wish.

Interesting intro's but would suggest the long version almost indicates this is non-fiction.

Ok Very long Chapter 1. This is the pull for the agents and most indicate they know by the first two paragraphs if they are going to read further. The letter from Jack almost works for me. It's dark and brooding with sufficient vagueness to intrigue. But I feel it could be really sharpened with editing. For me personally the three short paragraphs where you touch on his sanity could be very sharp with just one - let us see his madness slowly - and that perhaps at the end of the letter not the beginning - less is more.

You've taken on a very heavy first person MC view of the world however the use of the diary provides a neat juxtaposition to the actual events as seen through his eyes. That was clearly a deliberate choice by you and offers huge oportunities to almost take a bi-polar view on his madness. I'd love to see that used to the full.

My comments from here are very personal so please don't change anything without looking at others also. You've created a very distinct 'voice' here and one that is eerily intriguing. My own thoughts are you've overplayed slightly his upbringing. He's been raped by a friendly vicar, laid in bed while his mother prostitutes herself, and fallen asleep in the arms of sweaty sailors. I'd like to see something brighter, within there, that moment of escape, perhaps within his own mind, or perhaps a moment in his life he always remembers.

If you have time perhaps a discussion with a clinical psychologist would assist (not for you personally!), but to better understand how/what a paranoid schizoprhenics mind works. Your use of the diary to juxtapose his thoughts would be an excellent vehicle to really develop that.

Because you rush through his youth and straight into being offered 'everything you can see under her skirts' I'm not connecting enough with Jack and dont understand why he became this monster. Instead I'm left with mixed feelings of being sad for someone I would rather not know more about. There are some excellent articles on serial killers and they have very distinct aspects to their life that make them stand out. Each are different, some very sociable, some control freaks others cleneliness freaks.

By Jan 4th I'm seeing small repeats between Jack in his life and Jack in his diary - we know he's in the lodging.

Later you do start to let us see a deeper Jack, sartorially elegant. His interests and clothing in cravats is a good angle, something to hide the huge inner rage that someone of his character is constantly controlling. I would also be careful about the bar fights - I could be wrong here but I feel that's also out of character.

Ok Now the writing. You've pushed the MC all the way and the diary alongside is working. I'd suggest push that with more focuson his dark side. This elegant man of the streets and this monster raging in the diary. And you can write. The scenes do work for me in fact I felt cheated for not spending longer on the boat.

Also the church with Kate. I felt the constant focus on his struggle with Kate/sex and desire could be improved upon. Change the pace a little. Let him feel the church is a place where he can escape - we already know different.

Around him you have some good supporting characters. The landlord and the poilce officer are important and should continue.

Overall the writing is intriguing and the vehicle you've used to portray Jack has huge potential with this diary alongside. This book however is totally reliant on Jack as a character and I feel you need to work on him a little more. Change the pace more with some moments of kindness and beauty, build the suspense and leave his sexual urges more hidden - we the reader know they will return so let our minds wander - Hitchcock did this superbly. On the practical side I would suggest time with a clinical psychologist may provide stronger insight into how such a mind works and such a person hides away in society. Some good articles on Sutcliffe and others of his ilk. If you approach your local Police they may well assist with an intro.

Overall the story does have huge potential. Best. Steve.

Hey Rick, hope you're well mate. Here's a review as promised, for the Brutal Honesty jobby wotsit.

Very good start, you've got a great ability to reveal backstory without it feeling like backstory! Instantly sympathise with John and it's clear how messed up he is through his upbringing with phrases such as 'He buggered me many times but it did not matter as i was learning' - ! Horrible thought to have to share a bed with your mum while she 'conducts business' with random strangers too. Very compelling stuff.

I also particularly liked the conflict between Tommy and John, you know how to make a scene tense.

And I liked the swapping from journal to third person, it certainly didn't distract me in any way and broke up the chapters nicely. Although as other reviews have pointed out, this does lead to some repetition which slows the pacing. Otherwise, style, plot and pacing are all good.

I found some tense swapping too - He left the room and stepped onto the pavement; He takes a deep breath and walks faster. Those two sentences were within the same paragraph. I do this all the time, it's a big thing to watch out for when rewriting.

A few little typos I found, apologies if I missed any:

"Excellent pot pie" - needs a full stop

God saved me the knowledge of seeing my mother in that position - extra full stop after this sentence

As he walked along the pavement on Fenchurch street... - this sentence is confusing, maybe split in two

But this pup was clean - pub?

She even lifted her skirts and shewed me her pussy - showed?

Right, originality. Obviously Jack is a popular literary character, but usually these tales are told from the point of view of a policeman or friend of a victim. So far John's voice and the journal style help to separate it from the others, at least that's my own personal opinion. As for marketability, I'm the last person to ask - I'd buy the damn thing, but if it doesn't have a soppy conflicted vampire in it then most editors don't seem to want to know :)

Best of luck with this Rick, it definitely deserves attention.

Cheers,
Chris

Hiya Rick

This is my Brutal Honesty Review

It is always difficult to write about Jack the Ripper because he holds such a gruesome fascination for the British and so much has already been written/speculated about him. Having said that, I haven't come across a fiction novel about him before (although, I must confess that I have not been looking) so you may have something original here.

I think that your characterisation is good and authentic. I can well believe that this psychopath was the abused son of a whore, with a lisp and poor social skills. You have also given him frightening skill with a knife and great physical strength.

Overall, it is simply written but I was not hundred percent convinced that I was hearing the diction, dialect and language of the Victorian working class.

The biggest problem I had with your novel is the use of both the first person in the journal and the third person narrative. I seriously think that one of them should go - but I am unsure which one. Some parts of the narrative (especially at the end of the chapter when you have got into your stride) are very descriptive. And some parts of the journal give us great insight into the mind of a psychopath (although I struggled to get that impression with your opening few paragraphs.)

Initially I found the third person authorial narrative too intrusive and irritating - I wanted to read more of the journal. I was also confused why you use the present tense at the beginning for this and then change into the past tense by the end of the chapter? However, by the end of chapter one I changed my mind and was enjoying your third person narrative and found the journal entries intrusive and unnecessary. Perhaps you should try separating the two strands and write the novel both ways? This would help you to see which method has the most success in achieving your aim.

In addition to this, using both methods means that most of the information is repeated twice. The worst example started with the line: 'John has a lisp and it makes him very insecure.' I had already worked this out from John's comments in the journal. The whole of the following paragraph was also just repeating information which I already knew. This seriously slows down the pace.

On balance, I think I would drop the journal writing and just go with the (past tense) narration to tell the story.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best with it.

Best wishes,
Susanna
'Catching the Eagle'

BH review. There’s no better puzzle in crime than who was Jack the Ripper. Made me want to open this and learn more about him. I read the first chapter.
PLOT. If there’s a problem with this (for me), it’s that there’s a lot of repetition. First, there’s the description of what happens to John, then there’s the same account written in his notebook. I’m wondering if you want to repeat everything that way.
Pacing – Because there is so much repetition, there is not a lot of action here. I’m thinking the average reader will want things to move a little faster.
Characters. You have a good character in John. His background gives him a good reason to dislike street walkers; his skill at filleting fish makes him a good candidate for carving up women.
Point of View; style. I like your writing style; it’s simple and clear and easy to read.
Dialogue. Because a lot of this involves journal writing, there isn’t a lot of dialogue. That’s okay but I think more dialogue would give the story a better sense of movement.
Originality. There must be a hundred books out there about Jack the Ripper so it’s hard to come up with something totally original. The idea of Jack as someone who keeps a meticulous journal is good.
Publishability. I’m a poor judge of what is publishable. All I can say is: the topic is great; John is a good main character. I think Jack the Ripper fans will find this an interesting read.

A message from the Brutal Honesty Crit Group

Hi

The new thread is now launched and all the information about the group and lists of members are on the first page.

It is called the Brutal Honesty CRIT Group.

http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/71383/the-brutal-honesty-crit-group/

Please let me know how many reviews you have done and received from other members, so that I can update the list. (If you have already done this, apologies for mentioning it again. :)

Best Wishes

Susanna

Brutal Honesty Review

Jack the Ripper is a fairly popular character so my initial thoughts when starting this book were wondering what new twist or approach this would take. That may mean my expectations are a little higher than normal, but I think you have to do expect that when taking on such an iconic figure.

The voice you use for him didn't really strike me as authentic for the time. There were numerous modern sounding phrases in there. Gramatically I don't think it's as polished as it could be, with absent commas and unnecessary exclamation marks, making it read a little stilted at times.

By starting his story more or less from birth and then makes for a very slow paced narractive. You're describing what happened to him, but the events read a bit like a list rather than a story and it felt a little distant. I didn't really feel I was getting much insight into his character. His education with the Minister and his time at sea shaped his understanding of life, but you don’t really say in what way. And you give him a very generic sort of hatred of prostitutes. This isn't really building up a picture of a unique individual. I would suggest you need to write down what happened with the Minister or at sea for us to see the lessons learnt for ourselves. Telling us he spent time doing X and came away a changed man is too vague.

Telling us he's disgusted by whores doesn't really have any impact, you have to show what he’s so upset about, which means you have to go deeper. And at the same time his reasons shouldn’t be obvious or predictable. At the moment I feel like you’re taking too much for granted, as though we should understand how he feels without explanation. We can certainly do that but only by resorting to cliched ideas that we've seen in other books and movies.

Those elements of his life that had affected him need to be unpacked. If life was good for seven years as a porter then give us an examnple so we can see what a “good life” means to him. If it isn’t important enough to explore, then it should be cut altogether. Dropping in bits of information about his life doesn't build up an interesting mosaic by itself, you need a reason for telling us why he went to sea that goes beyond ‘that's what happened.’

A moment like when he meets the old manwho teaches him how to use the knife is an example of a scene that could be very interesting, but you just skim over it. Somehow he bumped into the man, somehow they started talking, about what isn't specified, then the manages to getthe man to show him how to be expert with a filleting knife. If you had shown is all that is it happened it would have not only been an engaging moment, it would have told us something about him, how he interacts with people he's impressed by, or how he manipulates people into doing what he wants. Whatever he does , you can use it to shows us who he is, but only if you allow us to see him doing it. If you just summarise it for us and tell us it happened then we don't get the benefit .

Even when he has to fight with the new guy, it's too simple and straightforward, and almost cartoonish. It comes out of nowhere, and has no real consequence. These sort of moments don't seem very well integrated into the narrative. Just another thing that happened.

At the moment I'd say the first chapter is quite hard work to read, with lots of small errors that could be easily fixed by reading it aloud to yourself. They don't stop the reader from understanding what's going on by any means, they just spoil the flow of the piece. The character of Jack seems a little too cliched. He doesn't like prostitutes and whores and has issues with his mother. A brooding loner with delusions of grandeur. He seems to have all the familiar psycho tropes.

I would say the thing that really stands out is that there is no purpose to him. You're describing him going about his life, one thing after another. But the narrative isn't building to anything. Events are unrelated except that they are part of his life. That isn't enough to keep my interest. I feel there needs to be a through line to the story, whether that's an internal one of what he wants, or an external one of what he's doing, there needs to be a sense of momentum. Even though I'm sure things develop later, the first chapter still needs to have a direction and have a focus, rather than a disparate group of of vignettes, which is how it feels at the moment. Obviously I can't speak for how the story develops, but as an opening chapter I think it's just a bit to all over the place at the moment.


regards
mood

http://mooderino.tumblr.com
http://moodywriting.blogspot.com

Rick, firstly I tip my hat to you in absolute respect for even thinking to tackle this story. Most Ripperologists, and lets face it there are thousands, will probably look down their noses at you with an air of superiority should this be unleashed onto the market, and why shouldn't it be ? !

To my mind you have done something very different to all the other books I've read on Jack and the countless Discovery Channel documentaries I've seen, that we've all read and seen.

In 'Jack I Am' he's not Druitt, or Sir William Gull, or Oscar Wilde, or Sir Authur Conan Doyle or even a woman etc etc. He is John, and he has a lisp, what a nice touch that is Rick. Who's ever thought of THAT before.

I assume you don't live in London,or even the UK so you've not even had the benefit of going on one of the many 'Jack The Ripper Tours' to get the feel before you wrote this ?

I peeked at this when I first joined 2 weeks ago because the subject facinates me. I am VERY glad to see you have taken the advice of others and changed the font, this is now a much easier story to read, I found it difficult before and had to leave after a few paragraphs.

You paint the picture. You describe. You show me.

Highly starred, on my w/l and for sure I am backing this within a week. I will read to the very end, I NEED to see what happens to Jack, does Inspector Aberline aprehend him ? Does he die ? Or simple disappear ?

Daniel.

The DEAD Bloc.

Thanks a bunch for the great critique! As to a couple of your questions, no I've only been to London once and unfortunately never got near Whitechapel. As for Abberline, well if I told you there wouldn't be any point in reading to the end! Thanks again and I'll be reading your book in the next two weeks.
Rick - Jack, I Am.

Rick, firstly I tip my hat to you in absolute respect for even thinking to tackle this story. Most Ripperologists, and lets face it there are thousands, will probably look down their noses at you with an air of superiority should this be unleashed onto the market, and why shouldn't it be ? !

To my mind you have done something very different to all the other books I've read on Jack and the countless Discovery Channel documentaries I've seen, that we've all read and seen.

In 'Jack I Am' he's not Druitt, or Sir William Gull, or Oscar Wilde, or Sir Authur Conan Doyle or even a woman etc etc. He is John, and he has a lisp, what a nice touch that is Rick. Who's ever thought of THAT before.

I assume you don't live in London,or even the UK so you've not even had the benefit of going on one of the many 'Jack The Ripper Tours' to get the feel before you wrote this ?

I peeked at this when I first joined 2 weeks ago because the subject facinates me. I am VERY glad to see you have taken the advice of others and changed the font, this is now a much easier story to read, I found it difficult before and had to leave after a few paragraphs.

You paint the picture. You describe. You show me.

Highly starred, on my w/l and for sure I am backing this within a week. I will read to the very end, I NEED to see what happens to Jack, does Inspector Aberline aprehend him ? Does he die ? Or simple disappear ?

Daniel.

The DEAD Bloc.

Hi Rick,

I think the reason you have so few shelves for what is a pretty gripping theme, is the fomats you have chosen. Long sections of Upper case are very difficult to read and are italics.

I'd advise you to put everything in normal and use italics and uppser case sparingly. If you decide to do this can you let me know and I'll return and give it a read. It's certainly a possible for my shelf, as one of my ancestors was accused of being Jack the Ripper, so the subject interests me.

On my Watch List..

Joanna.