The Circle of Seven Things

Hi Ursula,
I've just finished the fifth chapter- i didn't mean to read so far but i have found your ms so involving that I just want to read the whole thing( and i will read the rest of the material posted here) I think what's made this so compelling for me is that you are making me read as Matthew, knowing no more than him and living through this mystery with him, The characterisation is great- I was slightly worried in the beginning of the student chapter that it was going to lapse into The Young Ones but you steered us safely out of that trap by making Matthew behave so well and bringing in a very appealing love story which helped the character development immensely.
Of course the real issue for this ms must be whether the mystery works- and yes it does! Magnificently. You are playing this so well, giving glimpses, moving on, making references back , suggesting resonances. This is very, very clever plotting indeed. That Matthew's suspicions should be aroused by a split infinitive was wonderful.
Your style intrigues me because you let the words lead with perfect clarity: no embellishments; no 'look at me, aren't I a cleverclogs? ' just real skill and elegance with vocabulary patterns and syntax. Mind you- I do think your occasional moments of levity are great. i very much liked 'the carpet's relationship with the vacuum cleaner had been fleeting'
Two minor suggestions - I'm not sure 'brownie points' works for late seventies- but i'm not swearing to it.
I think the sofa description (which was great) would be better as 'into the sagging middle . . . where . . . it was possible not 'that' as you have it at present.
i think this really merits the way it's thundering up the charts (just wish i'd caught it earlier) so it gets a place on my revolving bookshelf.

Hi Ursula! Wow, this is a tense, creepy thriller that succeeds right off the bat in creating the sense that every step Matthew takes -- and he's flying blind -- has a preordained weight that brings the world closer to -- we don't know what, but it sure doesn't seem good, given that people keep dying. (Okay, the synopsis makes it plain that it's DEFINITELY not good, but in the context of the excerpt itself we know only that it appears ominous.)

The impossible tension of Matthew HAVING to act and finding that everything he does makes things WORSE (in terms of the prophecy) lends an uncomfortable urgency to everything he does, however slight. This is brought home particularly well with the Rachel romance: they're already in love by the time they see the allusion to lines joining, and so it's really too late...even though that faint penciled line between their names on the family tree where they discover they're second cousins certainly must give them pause. I am not always a fan of starting at a critical juncture and then flashing back to explain what led up to it, but I think it works very well here -- mostly because those Bible quotes (heh heh, *I* should've been in that class, I recognized 'em!!!) are so alarming, which makes for an interesting scene, but PARTICULARLY with the ambiguous entrance of Susan and her remark, which I think will prove to be very important, about CONTEXT defining MEANING. (Does this mean that the CIRCLE'S meaning is amenable to alteration, depending on circumstances? Er, I kinda hope so, given that Matthew doesn't seem to have had much luck in derailing its completion...)

The characterizations worked well for me -- I have a good feeling for Matthew, including his history, and a solid feel of Rachel too, which makes me care about them personally as well as of course the outcome of their search to find out what exactly is going on. The writing had a good mix of reflective, introspective moments and vivid description without ever bogging down in either, so the pace remained fast (as it should, in a thriller!). It does need a pass for minor copy-editing stuff, mostly dropped punctuation (students attention should be students' and so forth) -- I stopped making these notes fairly early on as doing so was distracting me from the story, but if you'd like to send me a file any time after this Crazy Month for me, I'll be happy to do the copy-editing (it is IMPOSSIBLE to do on one's own work and SO EASY to do on other people's, for whatever unknowable reason). I don't know whether this is a UK/US spelling difference, but in the States at least, "prophesy" is a verb while "prophecy" is the noun form.

I am curious, although you probably shouldn't ANSWER my curiosity until you POST MORE OF THE TEXT and reveal the answers in due narrative time, about that 142857 progression -- I can't help noticing that this is the "negative energy" progression of that old Sufi shape of the enneagram (the positive progression would be 175824).

Anyway, this is great stuff, and I hope you'll drop me a note if you post more! TCOST is definitely shaping up to be a thriller I'd buy in the store, so onto my revolving shelf space you go -- and best of luck!!!

HI URSULA 'THE CIRCLE OF SEVEN THINGS''

OH what a great start, almost immediate it;s suspensful and taught. want to read more and more, just read first few chapaters will read more,
It's gripping to sayh the least and will do very well when published
love the cover love the pitch, it's a thriller
backed
TOM BYE 'FROM HUGS TO KISSES
please read some of mine and back/ comment if you like it thanks

A good read. Thanks, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Excellent with a distinct syle of writing that makes the story flow - congratulations and backed
Andy
When Spirits Break Free

A well written and an original story. I didn't even see any spelling errors to criticise. Backed. Marj.

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Hi Ursula,
This is excellent, one of the best beginnings I've read on this site so far. This MS seems so well crafted and honed. On the shelf and wishing you the very best, Eric

Ursula,
this is really intriguing and well written. I only read four chaps (time pressing) but would like to read more.
Great characters - Matthew and Rachel work well together, and the way you give us the info only as Matthew finds out really puts us in his shoes.
Being an English teacher I nodded at the Star Trek split infinitive. To cleverly weave that into the story was very good. (See what I did there?!)

some typos I noticed in chap 2: what's missing in brackets
you too(,) Ben
where are you boy(?)
'we have to go(,)' he told her

Cheers, on shelf.
Simon

Read the first chapter, Ursula.

Very gripping and I love the cliff-hanger at the end of the chapter.

The start is intriguing and leads straight into the story.

Matthew's character is honed nicely up to this point and I am keen to read on.

Susan is mysterious also.

I can't play critic because I can't find fault - apart from one word missing in a sentence about 3/4 of the way down.

I think I thanked you for your comments on Ritual - if not, thank you!

I will be placing this on the shelf once I've decided what can be safely removed and I will read further.

So far, quite chilling!

Good stuff!

Mazza

I've read three chapters and I'm hooked. I would read more tonight, but I can't due to time constraints. I love a good thriller and this certainly is one. I like Matthew and care what happens to him. The story is well paced and I love your style. Unfortunately I can't give constructive criticism as I'm rubbish at it but then again there's nothing about your work I don't like. I've bookshelved you and am looking forward to reading more.

Hi Ursula,

I can't believe you read all my chapters, there are only a few people on the site who have read as much as you. Thank you for taking so much time and effort with it.

Hi

I must apologise for taking so long to get to you. My daughter had a baby just over a week ago and I've been more than a little preoccupied there.

I've just read the first four chapters and found then totally engrossing. You have a writing style that sucks the reader in and holds them there until the last word is read. Well done.

Just a few comments on the text are below:
Chapter 1 Grammar - .....watching still there.... Should be ....watched was still there....
Chapter 2 - orange squash to show willing the excuted his escape plan. This sentence doesn't make sense. Perhaps words were omitted.

I can't imagine the MC falling asleep. He'd be too hyped up on meeting his mother's sister.

Chapter 3 (I think) - Mathew gets Rachel to go to his place when it's the middle of the night. I think he may need a stronger reason as to why she agrees. She seems level headed and not the sort that would go to a stranger's house. That's just my thought and I may be wrong here.

Mathew tells Rachel that his father wanted to meet her so much. Surely, after seeing her for a period of time, she would have met his father. Also, does Rachel have any family?

I am putting you on my bookshelf as this has potential. I must urge you to finish it. It has all the hallmarks of a best seller.

I've rewritten my first chapter and would love some comments on my story.

Cheers Olga:)

Ursula, at work, but here are my comments on chapter one - please excuse the abrupt tone. Here are my thoughts as they arise:

"He wished he didn't understand them, but he did." Do you need the "but he did". It's self-evident.

Heart racing, breath quickening - do you need this, it's a cliche. The water bottle to his head alone is enough and more more original and immediate.

"don't be so paraonoid he told himself". End the paragraph there. The rest is superfluous.

"A line from a nursery rhyme that had been taken and bastardised" Again, end the para there. The something more sinister is over-writing again.

Typo "as the laughter HAND subsided". Don't say look to its owner. Just say, he looked to the woman or something.

The opening chapter is arresting, but I have one small problem, you are overplaying the professor's nerves. He is an endless sequence of beating hearts. He is an intellectual, would it not therefore be better if he is intrigued, curious, less terrified at this juncture. It would be less melodramatic and more credible. Also it woudl give you the opportunity for him to become terrfied later and thus have a shift in tone, character and narrative drive? I don't know the character of course, but I would be more willing to read on if he was simply trying to work out who had given him the note and, possibly whether it was a joke, rather than immediate panic in scene one.

Hope this helps.

Ursula,

Just read chapter 6 - still liking it, still on my shelf.

A couple of things struck me whilst reading this, and I hope they help.

Firstly, I think there's a bit too much repetition here, especially in the dialogue between Rach and Matthew. We know there's a mystery and that we have a lock without a key and a key without a lock - but I felt this was mentioned too many times. I think there's room here for making the dialogue a bit tighter and perhaps even introducing a bit more 'darkness' as they ponder what sort of thing his father was trying to hide?

Secondly I felt there was a shade too much levity and lightness in the dialogue between Matthew and Rachel. I'm not really getting the sense that here is a man whose father has just died. Yes I think he'd be interested in the mystery, but I also think there would be moments of sadness - maybe as he's handling things that remind him of his parents?

Anyway - I hope these comments help - I mean them to. Just my impressions on reading.

Simon

Ursula,

Thank you for watchlisting and reading my book, I'll watchlist you and read tomorrow or Tuesday.

Hi Ursula,

Just re-read chapters 4 and 5. Still liking it a lot and still wanting to find out more.

When I first read these two chapters my first thought was that there were too many 'convenient' circumstances. The letter to Jim, Jim being an inquisitive journalist, there being carbon paper, Matthew remembering about the blue box, the shadow puppets and the conversation about the hidden key with his father. It jarred a bit, but the good news is that I still wanted to find out more.

I didn't get this sense as much when I read through the chapters the second time. The only thing that really jarred, for me, was his memory of the conversation with his father about the hidden key. I'm not sure why but it didn't ring true. I was wondering whether his father may have told him about it more cryptically - especially as his dad liked puzzles. Something that would intrigue a young boy but also stick with him? Or maybe he'd hide a clue at Matthew's favourite tombstone. Another way might be to have a cryptic letter written to Matthew from his father but held at his solicitor's until the event of his death?

But these are minor comments, and hopefully helpful. I'm really enjoying this - definitely the sort of book (story, pace, style, characters etc) that I'd buy if it were on the bookshelves.

Simon

Hi Ursula

I just wanted to say that I completely loved this. It held my attention throughout and scared me in several places, just the way I like it. I would definitely buy this book if it were on a shelf in a bookstore and as such I shall place it on my bookshelf.

Thank you for allowing me to read this. I wish you good luck and feel sure that this will go far.

Kat
DFYLP

Ursula,

I've read the first three chapters and I have to say I'm really enjoying this. I would love to be able to make some incisive comment to help you improve the story but two things get in the way; firstly, I don't think it needs any improvement and secondly, following any suggestions of mine will inevitably make it worse!

Great pace, just flows along and nothing really jarred. The story drew me in and made me want to find out more - which is exactly what I look for in a book.

There are a number of published books I've stopped reading, some quite near the end, simply because I didn't really care about the characters or the story and just couldn't be bothered going any further. Early days after only 3 chapters but I don't see yours falling into this category.

Good luck with it - I'm certainly going to read more and will let you know if I have any helpful suggestions.

Simon

Reading the beginning tempts me to read more. This is compelling work.

Malcolm

Ursula, let me start by saying this has the makings of a real great novel. I love the concept, love the Dan Brown feel with prophesies and the like. This has SO much potential. The characters are good, the scene progression is well done. Really gets me interested.

Of course, a lot of editing is needed and I mean a lot. Incomplete thoughts, mixing of character quotes and attributions within the same paragraph, sentence structure in some cases even. really, practice reading each line out loud and make sure it flows. Then make sure the sentence structure makes sense in every manner.

Finally, the word 'thing' is tough word to use *ever* in a novel. Its so ambiguous, you don't know anything by reading it. And the use of the word itself trivializes your concept. The Circle of Seven, or The Circle of Seven Prophecies, or something else might be better. But thats just my opinion - feel free to ignore it outright. I'll definitely understand.

Really, this has SUCH potential, I can't wait to read it again when its cleaned up and on the shelf at the local bookstore.

Hi Ursula
Thanks for your comments. I clicked through to see what you'd written and it looks intriguing. This is the sort of thing I like reading along with anything vaguely crime related, I'm supposed to be working so I've put it on my bookshelf to look at later...
Jo

Hi Ursula,

I've watchlisted! Please take the following as constructive critique, not mean criticism.

After the initial line and (sensational paragraph, ie; conjurs all manner of moral outages that might be incurred if the book makes it to publication and, cause a bit of a stir.


I think this particular "opening" is less effective than a later paragraph in which Mathew reviews his discovery of an "Envelope".



It's just a thought, but as the "envelope" scene grabs greater attention and could instill serious air of mystery right at the beginning,( as opposed to mild interest in reference to incest) what if you started at "He stared at the two items in front of him, causes enough for current distress. The first item was an envelope addressed to Professor Matthew Rayburn, Departmental Head of English. The second item, a sheet of paper, the sole content of the envelope, on which was typed a single line of text. Both items lay on the desk as his hands still shook too much to hold them. <<< At this point: leave the paper and envelope and let the onscreen text invade the scene in Italics as is. >>>

Then add straight text paragraph: "The words on the overhead screen . . . and STOP at end of:"Just enough light fell from the screen for him to see them." << now skip straight to: "He re-read the words . . .

Hey, you may not like the change, after all it's your baby. That said, it has great promise!

Still itriguied Ursula, but I spotted quite a few typos and mixed-up dialogue you might want to fix. I didn't write them all down but here are a few of them.

Mark.

Patting the ground again she smiled... (the following line of dialogue is her's, but it is also joined onto Mathew's line. Then again it reverts back to the woman).

He looked roughly (the) same age as the woman.

Mathew set (off) at a run.

Ursula, very intriguing indeed. I have read only chap 1 and it may be a little too soon to say this but it did have a slight Dan Brown feel to it. I will read on now and hope it carries on in that vein.

Mark.

Hi Ursula

See you have changed your first chapter, and i think this works much better now - it makes us ask questions about what is bothering him so much - have watchlisted to read more of it later

Frankie

Hi Ursula, thank you for your comments on Inner space, I have left you an in depth answer when you have a moment to look.
I have added the Circle of Seven Things to my Watchlist.... and I agree with you there are dark similarities between our story plot. .... That's why it's called the Supernatural.....!

Hi Ursula,
I've just finished the fifth chapter- i didn't mean to read so far but i have found your ms so involving that I just want to read the whole thing( and i will read the rest of the material posted here) I think what's made this so compelling for me is that you are making me read as Matthew, knowing no more than him and living through this mystery with him, The characterisation is great- I was slightly worried in the beginning of the student chapter that it was going to lapse into The Young Ones but you steered us safely out of that trap by making Matthew behave so well and bringing in a very appealing love story which helped the character development immensely.
Of course the real issue for this ms must be whether the mystery works- and yes it does! Magnificently. You are playing this so well, giving glimpses, moving on, making references back , suggesting resonances. This is very, very clever plotting indeed. That Matthew's suspicions should be aroused by a split infinitive was wonderful.
Your style intrigues me because you let the words lead with perfect clarity: no embellishments; no 'look at me, aren't I a cleverclogs? ' just real skill and elegance with vocabulary patterns and syntax. Mind you- I do think your occasional moments of levity are great. i very much liked 'the carpet's relationship with the vacuum cleaner had been fleeting'
Two minor suggestions - I'm not sure 'brownie points' works for late seventies- but i'm not swearing to it.
I think the sofa description (which was great) would be better as 'into the sagging middle . . . where . . . it was possible not 'that' as you have it at present.
i think this really merits the way it's thundering up the charts (just wish i'd caught it earlier) so it gets a place on my revolving bookshelf.

Hi,

Just read your blurb and it sounds great. Watchlisted.

Kat

Hi Ursula! Wow, this is a tense, creepy thriller that succeeds right off the bat in creating the sense that every step Matthew takes -- and he's flying blind -- has a preordained weight that brings the world closer to -- we don't know what, but it sure doesn't seem good, given that people keep dying. (Okay, the synopsis makes it plain that it's DEFINITELY not good, but in the context of the excerpt itself we know only that it appears ominous.)

The impossible tension of Matthew HAVING to act and finding that everything he does makes things WORSE (in terms of the prophecy) lends an uncomfortable urgency to everything he does, however slight. This is brought home particularly well with the Rachel romance: they're already in love by the time they see the allusion to lines joining, and so it's really too late...even though that faint penciled line between their names on the family tree where they discover they're second cousins certainly must give them pause. I am not always a fan of starting at a critical juncture and then flashing back to explain what led up to it, but I think it works very well here -- mostly because those Bible quotes (heh heh, *I* should've been in that class, I recognized 'em!!!) are so alarming, which makes for an interesting scene, but PARTICULARLY with the ambiguous entrance of Susan and her remark, which I think will prove to be very important, about CONTEXT defining MEANING. (Does this mean that the CIRCLE'S meaning is amenable to alteration, depending on circumstances? Er, I kinda hope so, given that Matthew doesn't seem to have had much luck in derailing its completion...)

The characterizations worked well for me -- I have a good feeling for Matthew, including his history, and a solid feel of Rachel too, which makes me care about them personally as well as of course the outcome of their search to find out what exactly is going on. The writing had a good mix of reflective, introspective moments and vivid description without ever bogging down in either, so the pace remained fast (as it should, in a thriller!). It does need a pass for minor copy-editing stuff, mostly dropped punctuation (students attention should be students' and so forth) -- I stopped making these notes fairly early on as doing so was distracting me from the story, but if you'd like to send me a file any time after this Crazy Month for me, I'll be happy to do the copy-editing (it is IMPOSSIBLE to do on one's own work and SO EASY to do on other people's, for whatever unknowable reason). I don't know whether this is a UK/US spelling difference, but in the States at least, "prophesy" is a verb while "prophecy" is the noun form.

I am curious, although you probably shouldn't ANSWER my curiosity until you POST MORE OF THE TEXT and reveal the answers in due narrative time, about that 142857 progression -- I can't help noticing that this is the "negative energy" progression of that old Sufi shape of the enneagram (the positive progression would be 175824).

Anyway, this is great stuff, and I hope you'll drop me a note if you post more! TCOST is definitely shaping up to be a thriller I'd buy in the store, so onto my revolving shelf space you go -- and best of luck!!!

Hi Ursula,
Just read your thread and thought, as i liked all the books you chose, I'd probably like yours. Have watchlisted and will read asap.

(lucky you, escaping the career thing- i'm writing this chained to the desk with the boss's lackey strutting down the corridor)

Dear Ursula,

Have just missed you. Saw you were on-line nine minutes ago. Nice work on Circle of Seven Things. Have read chapter one and moved you from watchlist to bookshelf.

I loved the opening lines. Somewhere in my brain, they turned on a flashing light (of anger) regarding patriarchy and so on. I have no time for ignorant old men hanging on to 'power' over the world.

Ursula, nice, clean, fast moving writing. You know what you're doing. You don't try to impress. You're a born story teller. I'm going to promote Circle on Forum now.

Write, write, write, girl. See you around. Regards, Pierre.

Dear Ursula,

I've just read the first 2 chapters and I'm quite hooked. You've pulled me in and kept me there and if I weren't so tired, I would be reading on!

I love the pace, the writing's very good and the details you've chosen to show are are just enough to whet our appetite and make us want to find out more.

There are just 2 things I picked up on the constructive side, in Ch.2:

When Matthew thinks he sees his mother under the old oak tree after her funeral it says:

'As the smile spread across and (should be his?) face.......'

and...

'Matthew!' the name is (was?) said with such force it sounds (sounded) like a rifle shot amongst the headstones. Should those 2 verbs (is -sounds) be in past tense since the narration is in past tense or is there some reason they were in present tense? Just curious.

Other than that, I really enjoyed this and I will come back for more. I will also put your book on my shelf. Glad to have it there!

Take care,

Annia

Hi Ursula, sorry it's taken me so long to find you but glad I've come in on this one. I like it very much. I'm completely drawn in and can picture it very vividly. you clearly have very accomplished writing skills so I'm going to act as editor and point out any teeny bits I would change in the first chapter. hope you will take this as fine tuning and not criticism.
right. the quotes on the screen are already in italics so I'd leave out the inverted commas except for the speech in the second one. I think this is neater and easy to read.
missing apostrophe - his students' attention began to waver. I'd leave out span - attention span may be short or long but it's the actual attention that wavers.
I don't think you can speak with more confidence than you feel BUT because you are well practiced your speech can convey more confidence - that's different.
repeat of the word hear with Susan Leyton - maybe, address the whole class, stand up so everyone can hear you.
are guilt and fear interchangeable? or are they inseparable or synonymous?
he refers to his wife, Rachel. after that he can just say her name.
sorry - I've been doing too much editing recently, it's becoming a habit! hope it's helpful. Ali.

Hi Ursula

Had a look at this before, and see you've changed the order round a bit. Like the title, but you've got a couple of typos in your pitch that need sorting - it's the first thing we see so needs to be short, snappy and interesting.
Ref the text - I think the first italicised quote is quite enough - it's shocking and enages our attention.
The first 3 paras are really important - if you don't interest a reader/editor by then, they won't read on, so I think you should find a pivotal point to start with, as this beginning is not gripping enough. We don't need to know what the lecture is called or what his day job is - we need the who, what where and why in condensed form, with bucketloads of tension/emotion so we really want to find out more. Some descriptive, emotive words can fill in the background very quickly. I suggest something immediate, with movement/action taking place, rather than a flat re-telling of what happened. e.g. " The words stood out starkly on the bright white glare of the overhead screen. In the deep shadows of the darkened auditorium, Matthew could hear his students shifting in their seats.
" Probably not what they were expecting...' he thought."
Just a thought, but after that, you need to SHOW how agitated he is before you show why - the envelope could be mentioned and then you can show how he found it etc. You need to keep up the suspense/pace and make us wonder what it's all about. Like the end line - good hook about his mother coming back from the dead.

Good luck

Frankie

Thanks, Ursula - I'm glad you didn't think I was poking my nose in. It's interesting what you say about dialogue. I find myself doing the same thing - almost like taking dictation.

Ursula, Gillian recommended this to me, and I’m glad she did. As I know the person who pointed me to the piece I feel fairly confident that you’ll be looking for genuine comments on what I liked and what I thought you could look at. I hope that’s right. I’m a real sucker for this kind of thing, and there is enough really good stuff here for me to be happy to find shelf space for you. I hope the comments help.
I love the opening lines – there’s a light, comedic touch that’s instantly engaging and endearing. You also have an incredible talent for dialogue. It’s both natural and zings off the page. Once we’re in dialogue I could keep reading forever. Maybe I’ve been watching too much strictly – but I feel like I’m watching a dancer and when they’re in hold I’m 100% confident, but when they break hold I’m not so sure. When we’re in the narrative passages I definitely didn’t feel the absolute sharpness of the dialogue.
I think your opening, once we leave the quotation, needs a bit of work – there’s slightly too much reliance on adjectives to create atmosphere, and I also though that what you give us is just a bit general – “Animated discussions broke out around the auditorium. Students questioned each other about the meaning of the text” in particular is too general really to pique our interest – we want to be a fly on the wall of those discussions rather than taking them on trust. I also had a problem with the two paragraphs after he gets the letter – these should be white-knuckle nailbiting stuff but they aren’t. I think one factor is the sentence length – try it with punchy, staccato sentences, or mixing up the length of your sentences.
Two more points from the opening section that, as with the above, illustrate general points that you could look at to make this really tight. The first is the description of Matthew – that kind of self-reflection feels like you’re shoehorning information in rather than dripping it in – as a result it interrupts the flow – at this stage of an action story we need to be on a streamlined, single path. He other point is the sgue into his reflection – “Thoughts of Rebecca brought to mind the evening ahead” This again interrupts the flow, and it feels like a slightly clumsy way of getting backstory in.
All of this said, I would happily keep reading. I have questions about the commerciality of books in this subject area at this time, but I like the way this is going – and as an old Oxonian the Oxbridge setting certainly has me hooked

Thanks very much. I hope you enjoy it :) x x x x

Thank you! Its just that I'm begining to wonder now whether the begining is adult enough. Just had a look now and I've noticed I'd somehow unticked the YA box. My fault, sorry!

About Dreamspiller. It is about a girl but that doesn't necessarily mean that it is a children's story. Alot of what happens later on definitley isn't. That's why I changed the genre setting to young adult fantasy. Thanks for looking anyway!

Ursula, have re-read. Much tighter. Erm ... still a few issues about the big lump of back story you drop in before you fully get into character or plot. I'm going to find some info I have about tick boxes for openings - and I'll email them across to you. Okay? Good work though.

Hi Ursula,
Your first chapter is well written with a hook on revelation like that of Da Vinci Code. Interestingly convincing, with allure in the descriptions of characters and scenes on mind picture. I have watchlisted it for more read later. Good luck.

Ursula,
Thanks for your kind comments on Sticks and Stones. I've put it under fiction although I did suffer with PND and a strange compulsion to write after my daughters birth.
The kind words mean a lot comig from an author of your calibre. I am pleased to see you rising through the ranks.
SarahK

Thanks! I'm going to read more of Circle of Seven Things and shall comment more if there's anything I think I can offer you. Can I ask if you're a member of any writing groups? I am part of an online group that I think would both benefit you and would benefit from your membership. Not sure how to go about it on here, but if you're interested email me Gill9999@aol.com and i'll give you details. Thanks again.

Ursula. Really appreciate the constructive advice. I'll root out the dialogue that didn't feel right to you. Regarding the bookshelf I fear if I slip any further down I shall pull the book at end of month anyway, so if I don't push this month I probably never shall! Many thanks.

Hi

The first chapter unfolds very well. And the first sentence certainly hooks the reader with it's revelation.
This type of Da Vinci Code story is big at the moment. I have watchlisted you and will read the rest of your story shortly.

Cheers Olga:)

SarahK ... I meant to add to my review that this very much reminded me of Da Vinci Code and could imagine Tom Hanks in the film role! It may not be trandy to say so, but I loved the book, and would be happy if someone told me my book had a similar feel in that it may go on to sell squillions!!

Your synopsis has echoes of the Da Vinci Code; and I mean that as a compliment. You achieve something, I’m unable to do, which is slowly revealing Matthew’s character through a scene that has some great action in it. We learn about him not from descriptions of what he looks like, but can see from the outset that he’s a lecturer but also learn about his values, and the kind of person that he is.
I tend to look for interesting characters in a book and I definitely want to learn more about Matthew. From the synopsis, it’s clear he’s about to embark on a journey of discovery. As I like him it’s a journey, I want to take with him.
Keep going, because I want to know what happens at the end!

Ursula. Glad we met up in the forum, as I loved the opening chapter of your book and wish I had a longer lunch break to read more. The opening is original and gripping and the end is a brilliant punch line. I love a good hook at the end of a chapter to keep the reader turning the pages.

If I had to suggest any improvements it would be to cut the lecture scene, and get to the message sooner. To me this is where the story really starts, and you want this in as soon as possible as it's super.

Also with your sentence structure, can I suggest cutting out some of the 'ing' words. I think I counted six early paras that all began with an ing word. I've been taught that they weaken the prose, and over used I think this is correct. I've noted within about three paras you use leaning, shifting, realising, remaining, swinging, switching. Some of these would be stronger if you said, he switched or he leaned.

But despite these minor niggles, I totally enjoyed this first chapter. I'm going to move you up onto my book shelf and shall return with comments on the next chapters in due course. Well done!

Thanks to everyone who's commented so far, I really appreciate it.

There have been a couple of comments that the lecture chapter is a bit long and needs the hook earlier, which I agree with. It feels right to start with the lecture so I'll give some thought to how to restructure it.

Ursula,

I think this deserves a go on my bookshelf for a bit!

Hi Ursula, reached you at last. Anyway, I think what you have here is promising and the pitch is certainly suggestive of a Da Vinci Code style thriller, so that has to count in your favour commercially speaking. I'll be honest, the opening intrigued me rather than grabbed me, and then not really until the latter part. I can see why you'd want to start with the lecture, but it feels like it needs to either have some more immediate hook preceding it or perhaps needs to cut to the meat of it sooner. That said, there's a lot of strengths here and since you yourself say it's a work in progress I can safely assure you that you have the potential, with a little trimming and rearranging, for a great thriller worth building on and maybe show Dan Brown a thing or two. :-)